... the curve balls of life....

... okay, we know we are here to become more and more like Christ and to represent Him well, push back the gates of hell by His grace and strength and bring glory to Him... this is an established fact...

We can walk along in our life, trying really hard, focusing on Him, drawing closer and seeking Him... getting to know Him more and more, more successful at times than  other times.. all along trying to figure this out... being blessed as we are... getting used to the areas we are struggling with, in His grace getting a handle on it , one breath at a time, one little baby step at a time....


And then... life throws us a curveball... and all of a sudden we are finding ourselves in different circumstances and confronted with areas we never thought we would ever struggle with...

I am sure that happens to all of us at one point in our lives...this could be a bit of a problem, it could throw us off, make us feel as if we are not as closely connected to Him as we thought.. we could start doubting, we could start beating ourselves up... we could become discouraged and because of that be even more unsettled and loose the grip on walking  with Him...

 when confronted with new challenges in regards to walking with Him closely we need to trust that He who started a good work in us will bring it to completion, He is not surprised at the curveball or the new challenges...He allowed it to prove to us that our faith is indeed genuine and will result in praise , glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed....so, rather than beating ourselves up and feeling guilty if this is not as easy as we think it should be, we need to again draw closer, repent and keep on keeping on, relying 100% on Him who has given us everything for leading a godly life when he gave us the faith to believe...

Circumstances change, challenges will always be there.... the only constant is the Author and Perfecter of our faith... the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords....to Him be all glory forever AMEN

... Love overflowing....

... wondering this morning... if there is anyone out there who knows this feeling...
I never knew it before I was saved, before God had my heart grow ears and and I could hear Him calling my name... before the blinders were taken off and I could see.... the truth... of who He is, who I am, and what life is all about..

I remember lying in bed at night as a child trying  to figure out what  life was really... were my dreams my reality and what I thought was reality really my dreams... could there be more to life than going to school and working and then eventually dying?...

Anyways, thankfully He in His great mercy gave me all the answers... and wow, I had only been trying to figure it out for 30 years....  ;)

My questions though is... is there anyone out there that just has no idea how to contain the love they feel for the Lord and His people... I am finding myself at times in a position where the love I feel is just too overwhelming to even be able to express it...

Sharing with my group at RENEW yesterday if Jesus shows up in my life...shows up?????? On occasion ??????????? Are you kidding me?????? He is there ALL THE TIME!!!!! And my love for Him cannot be contained in my soul, body or heart... it breaks forth and needs to find an outlet... it flows over to the people I come in contact with all the time... the supply is unending... I am so thankful for that..
And then there are His people... love so pure and so immense... or should I say intense... I guess that's what allows you to put others first and yourself last... to be there for them no matter how you are... not worrying about getting your needs fulfilled... so, I am wondering... am I just a little crazy... or are you like that??? Love the family of God and love everyone...  I love the 3 girls I meet with at the Center... I truly do.... I am so blessed..... oh the goodness and tenderness of our Father in Heaven... who would have thought the journey with Him would be that full, that mind blowing... that wonderful... turmoil included.... :)

... shortsighted and blind????? :O

 A new morning... and His mercies are new... His promises still are just that, promises giving by the Divine Promise Keeper... no need to struggle in our faith but reason enough to hold on and stand on  them... the promises... fix our eyes on the One who so willingly gave His life, who suffered greatly and loved even more...

Rely on Him and what He has done and get up and follow in His footsteps... because .. if His love does not propel you forward, His Word also contains some dire warnings...

But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins.

 So, dear brothers and sisters, work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things, and you will never fall away.  Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

( 2 Peter 1:9-11)

When reading scriptures like this I know that His grace is still that... grace, that catches us when we fail to work hard on this for a while... understanding and mercy and compassion... but we NEED to accept the forgiveness and grace ... and then get up again, in His strength and move forward... so whatever keeps you stuck this morning... let Him lift you up, allow His love and grace to permeate you, fill you and give you the courage to make the first step towards knowing Him more... and the "proving" is taken care of... 

I am imagining the "Grand Entrance into the Eternal Kingdom"..... He blows me away... there will be a party... cookies and cream cupcake towers... beautiful music and LOVE so tangible, if there were tears in heaven there would be that never ending stream of them flowing down my face... as my soul for the first time will fully comprehend His divine LOVE for me.... Joy that will never end... bliss for eternity.... so today, as I am again filled by Him.. His Word, His power and love... I am asking Him to allow me to be useful for Him...LOVE Him like crazy....

... divine employment.....

.... dizziness .... perhaps left over from the head cold... or maybe a permanent state of mind because of all that's going on in my life... CRAZY... closing in a week, moving in 9 days....Poland in 3 and a half weeks... Birthdays throughout and then CHRISTMAS!!!! somewhere in between there I am going to get a new car too... wild and crazy...

Drove through town, the other night, and someone had their Christmas lights lit already... they were beautifully colorful... and there it dawned on me... I can now pick exactly the lights I like.... I also ordered Scripture Stencil Stickers for the walls.... bought an electric fireplace and arranged for new flooring to be put down in two bedrooms before we move in...

Work in Cambridge is still the Highlight of my weekly schedule... did my first pregnancy test today...I am so blessed to have the opportunity to get so well prepared for the Center we will be opening here, God willing...

Very blessed by the passage in JOG this week... 2 Peter chapter 1.....so much in there... never a dull moment  in His Word...


By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.
  In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge,  and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness,  and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

 The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Meditating on this and all that has been going on in the last year and half I do rejoice that all I need for godliness was given to me when Jesus claimed me as His own, and as He is refining me through all kinds of trials I am able to love better, have more patience, have more self control, know Him more and ultimately can be more productive and useful for Him....

The Pregnancy Center  comes to mind, and all the ministries I have been allowed to serve in over the years... and I am once again assured... this is what it is all about... We are saved for our own benefit, to start our eternal life in fellowship with the Father... but this is not the only reason... we are to be representatives that are productive and useful for furthering His Kingdom... He gives us all we need and as we draw nearer and nearer to Him through His word we are becoming more and more the willing vessel for His Goodness, Love and Grace to flow through to others..... no longer hindered by our own impurities and selfish hang ups, all burned away by the fiery trials He allowed...
So I thank Him today, I thank Him for leading me through the valleys... for faithfully refining me... for allowing me to be stripped of all that was not from Him, all that has been standing in the way.... I thank Him for giving me a passion to serve Him and the many opportunities He puts into my path... truth is, He is the best "employer " one could ever wish for.... I am so glad He " hired" me, considering my credentials were  total depravity and a wicked and deceitful heart.....

..who is on the throne of your heart????

..... who is on the throne of your heart... who is the Lord of your life??? who calls the shots... who do you trust... and obey????????
we all have someone on the throne, even though we might not be aware of it... it's worth examining this because it has quite an impact on the life we are leading..
it could be Jesus... it could be you yourself...

the Turmoil in our lives definitely highlights those questions... when you find yourself stripped of any earthly security and the allure of what we might think life can give us.... when the "rug" of security,  stability and pleasure  has been violently ripped from under your feet.... when nothing distracts you any more from the deep and solely important questions...

when in your insurmountable sorrow and deafening pain you are reduced to your naked soul desperately seeking HELP, HEALING and HOPE... you are made aware that these really are the important questions... not,  the "do people like you", "are your kids turning out well", "where are you going to go for your next vacation" "will you retire on a houseboat" or "will you put the sticker family on the back of your car or not"....

so it is rather... who is on the throne of my heart? ......what does it mean other than that I agree to follow His lead, give over all areas of my life, trust Him with everything that is dear to me, what does it mean... how is this making a  difference??

if it is me on the throne, I am just going to go for whatever I feel I need, perceive my right to be.. no consideration for others and their needs... rules and regulation would change according to how they affect the desired outcome for me... the worst part of it though would be that the other aspect of having a king, the protection and care we find, would not really work that well.....

as a believer, I have not only been saved by Jesus from the ultimate punishment for my sins... I am now called to be a follower and accept His Lordship over my life... When I understand fully what He has done and continues to do for me how can I not also bow my knee to him and cheerfully obey Him??? I really get the best of both worlds... His gift of salvation, the joy and blessing of obeying Him AND His protection... because as my King, He will always keep me safe... for some reason, this has become very important to me..

So, WHO is on the throne of your life??????? I know for me, it's my Jesus, Lord of Lords and King of Kings... and u know, He also is a very merciful King....that's why my love and gratitude keeps flowing, an unending stream... because His love is just that... infinite......

... coming home....

Have you ever come home, have come inside from the cold, hostile, dark and stormy night... out there you felt scared, alone, cold and helpless... then you opened the heavy wooden door... and right then you entered into the warmth, the light and the smiles of your family were welcoming you into the fold of their protection... the love in your Father's eyes meeting your eyes and warming your heart... security, acceptance and LOVE better than anything ever imagined.... Warmth enveloping you like a nice and fluffy super soft blanket... Oh, and let's not forget... a fire going in the fireplace.... 


Last night, when meeting with the Elders all of a sudden my computer would not turn on. My carefully prepared Power Point.... not available... a last minute attempt of the evil one to thwart God's plans and frazzle me to an extend that I would not be able to present well what I think is His calling on my life... 
( some might say that my Macbook just had a bad moment.... and then again, only those without a Macbook could ever even imagine that.... I have NOT have had any trouble with my computer and I do not have any trouble now....)


Long story short.. there I was, in a room with a huge amount of men... could have been intimidating... but it wasn't... I tried as good as I could to make my presentation from memory ( and that is me... remember the purse...yeah...) I think I covered the material well enough and asked them to please pray to find out if this is really from God and not just my idea...


The response I got was encouraging and now these godly men will pray and seek God earnestly in their capacity as the leaders of the church, the church which is my home... my family... they are the head of that family and when they responded to me and prayed for me I felt loved and secure...


Leaving I was overwhelmed by an emotion of thankfulness and love... it was Worship Team Practice night and I snuck into the sanctuary to praise Him for showing me His love and care in such a tangible way.... the picture of the fireplace and the cozy and safe home... you guessed it... that's how I felt last night.... Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.. in His great mercy He has made me His own.. and He will ALWAYS take care of me... both now and forever more..... 

... Confirmation Wanted....

... today , tonite actually is the big night...the excitement is rising... thanks to very faithful friends I am not at all feeling insecure about presenting my life's dream before a whole room full of honorable, godly men.
Weird, not at all my natural inclination, so all by God's grace and in His strength... Cool, that's the way it should be. Relying on Him fully.

The last few days have been rather adventurous.. and this is a nice word... I could say tumultuous ... or I could use other words I would not use... you get the picture... many things went wrong... not horribly wrong but still causing upheaval and extra stress, unnecessary and just ughhhhhhhh....

It started on the weekend with this stupid cold and cough... and then the window ... got that fixed,.. finalizing the move, the mortgage, the presentation for tonite..taking care of everything and still being sick.. drove to Cambridge Wednesday morning, parked my car in the front... new window.., didn't want to run the risk of it being smashed in again.. :(

my little one at "take your kid to work" day... calling me sobbing.... throwing me off, on my way to pick her up I realized I left my purse at the Center... thats 60 km away from home... thankfully someone I know who works in Cambridge and lives half way my way was kind enough to meet me with my purse... drove there in a fog, feeling like I was going to faint, went to see a friend on the way home and.... left my purse there AGAIN....

not sure what that means... my head is spinning with too much going on, information overload and a sinus infection..... I should not carry a purse... or, someone was trying to throw me off enough to be too frazzled to do what I believe God is calling me to do...

which is to respectfully present to the Elders of my church the passion God has placed in my heart and ask them for direction and confirmation...

It's all good, my purse is safely with me at the moment, the presentation prepared, movers scheduled, services moved to the new house, paper work signed and moneys transferred... children comforted, floors vacuumed, laundry folded, dogs taken outside and fed, teenage mothers encouraged, friends prayed for..... all is good...  and all is well with my soul.....

Reading in 1 Peter 5 this past week... verse 8 to 11:


Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I think that was what was happening... he was prowling... he got me frazzled, he got me exhausted, he got me foggy and dizzy.... but in the end, he cannot stop God's good and perfect will from being accomplished... because we also know this:
... the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. ( 1 John 4:4 )

So I am saying... bring it on, you can't stop me because I am a child of the King of Kings.... and He is sovereign over all creation.... may His will be done tonite as the Elders, called by Him, will discern if I have been hearing from God and if the timing is right... Whatever the outcome will be, to God be the glory forever, Amen

... comfort overflowing....

... reading and meditating on 1 Peter over the last month and a half has been a wonderful thing... definitely timely for me, with all the suffering as a theme...Great to get a better perspective on this..


Sharing in the sufferings of Christ is a privilege, bringing us closer to Him who never complained or tried to get out of the suffering. He chose to do this because He was focusing on the joy laid before Him...which was to reconcile us to the Father..


And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ( 1 Peter 5:10)

.. in the same passage we read this:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

He does, He really does.... tonite, my girls and a friend of theirs were all going out for another family outing that included everyone but me... seems to be happening a lot lately... so tonite could potentially have been another night marked by waves of sadness... but because He cares the opposite was the case actually...
my mother and sister dropped by for a quick visit, to see how I was doing... that was very kind of them... next, my "Hero to the Rescue" came and fixed my window, Hallelujah... it was -3 Degree Celsius this morning...I do no longer feel unsafe and exposed.... then a new friend came over and we had a great time of sharing and watched a movie after I burned the first bag of Popcorn... ;)
the gas fireplace was brought to life and with the 2 white fluff balls curled up all night this could not have been a nicer evening.

I am fully aware that all good things come from God in Heaven... who does care...

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. (2 Cor 1:5 )

Now this is the truth:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ( Romans 5 :1-5)


Because I know He is the one that orchestrates our lives down to the tiniest detail I thank Him and Praise Him that the comfort overflows... not just the suffering..

.... safe and secure???

....I had a nice evening last night.... great conversation...really nice... this morning when waking up cough was worse, congestion was worse... but nothing is holding back "Superwoman"... hahaha... no seriously, I try to live up to the commitments I make... so I got my girlies and myself going...  was on my way to Cambridge by 8....
My first client didn't show up... called the second one, she wasn't going to come either.. too uncomfortable and sick as well, wow, this looked like a sad day right there... thankfully the one that was scheduled for 10 walked in at 11:15... she and her mother had been moved to another shelter and it took them quite some time to get to the Center... I really have  connected with her so I was very happy she made the effort to come...
When the time came to get going I went to my car, parked behind the center, as always.... I opened the door and saw glass shards on my seat... didn't quite get it... looked around.. and there it was... the passenger window had been smashed in, the glove box was open and all kinds of stuff was lying on the floor.... my car had been broken into.. I couldn't believe it....
Stunned as I was I went back into the center and called 911...
After finding out that there was nothing the police was going to do I left to get the window taped up a bit at least... I did have to drive 60 km to get home.. wow...
Now thankfully for some reason I had taken my ipod and my purse with me that morning... I have been known to leave all kinds of things in my car... that will not happen again...
Anyways, other than a few CDs nothing was stolen from my car....a new window will be put in tomorrow already ( thanks to a wonderful brother in Christ...) it was a little cold on my way home and my cough seems to have gotten a bit worse...oh well.....
This incident made me feel violated I have to admit... I know that this was a random thing and has nothing to do with me... but still...I also felt quite alone,  in a situation like this the need a woman has for SECURITY is shaken up big time... especially when there is no more husband... no one anymore to take this over for you, hold you and whisper in your ear that all will be well..... Needed the help of a friend to pick up my youngest from school, I couldn't make it... had to take back roads and go slower than usual...thank the Lord for the support I have...
Drove home like in a fog... fighting tears a few times ... prayed and let Him know how I was feeling... and the truth is...this is no big deal, no one got hurt, the car will be fixed, nothing that was very important was taken... I guess this was just one more little speed bump... a reminder that there is trouble in this world.. but that as much as on a certain level I am alone... I am not... He has surrounded me with great friends that are willing to help me with whatever I need.... to bring the day to a perfect end a dear friend just dropped off some soup and freshly baked muffins... Christ above me, Christ beside me, Christ within me ever guiding, Christ behind me, Christ before...Christ my love, my life, my all.....

With Him all present, ministering to us through His people... and within us through the Spirit... what can man do to us... after all, God is for us....

... examine yourself....

... today is Halloween... I hate Halloween.. anything dark and so obviously NOT from God repulses me.. so sorry, I am not giving out candy... not me... have some different opinions about that as well... I know, I am no fun.
This morning... Church... Hallelujah... it was another amazing service... Great Worship, a sermon once again challenging us to live authentically, following Christ, allowing Him to be Lord over all areas of our lives...
Actually, we really need to do that... if we say He is Lord, He needs to be Lord... otherwise we are not representing Him well and are hurting the cause...

Only through Him can we have this kind of an authentic walk, only He can make us act in love and not react in anger and revenge... if we are  not increasingly becoming more and more like that we need to be asking ourselves if we will be one of those people that when we see our Lord in person get's this answer... why are you calling me Lord... I do not know you...

So let's do this...Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 2 Cor 13:5

How can we know.... well, if the Holy Spirit is in us... we will see changes as He is growing His fruit in us... a desire to serve Him and know Him more.. deep sorrow when we slip and increased love when we find His forgiveness and unconditional love...

He has promised us this:

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

So let us examine ourselves, let us surrender to Him and seek His face daily... not only can we then be sure to be one of His children, but we also will be filled by His love and we won't be able to contain it....
others will be blessed... Thank You Lord..

.. light breaking through???

..done with sin???? dying to it???? Is that even possible while we are here? wow... that would be a great thing... how to achieve this I wonder... best would be to be able to flick a switch... a miracle... but, what can I say, I doubt it would happen that way...


In 1 Peter chapter 4 it says something intriguing:


Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 


Intriguing for sure...


Done with sin... no more evil human desires??? I would love to meet someone who can give testimony about this... I am thinking it must be some very old, very sick for a very long time person... for this to work out...


Examining myself , after almost 16 and a half years of walking with Him, choosing to follow Him and by His grace succeeding to be obedient once in a while I am far from anywhere near this goal... not enough suffering, in my body? 


It goes on in 1 Peter...
..be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.


Some steps towards the goal : be clear minded, self controlled,pray, love deeply to cover over a multitude of sins.. don't grumble but serve, extend grace through it and do it by God's strength...


further on..
do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.


and finally:
So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.


Here we are... that's how it goes... commit yourself to the Lord and continue to do good...
This is a daily, step by step commitment... to accept suffering and to rely on Him, through praying and serving bringing glory to God....  


still sick today... circumstances not changed..some more light shed on my life through His Word... light breaking through Eeyore's cloud... a better look at the Truth.. fixing my eyes on Jesus... thanks be to God for His unending patience and His powerful way of penetrating the darkness... committing myself again... committed for another step along the way.. by His strength...  

... under the cloud of sin and wrong choices....

..to live in this world..in the mug... in the middle of the heartbreak, the lies, the lack of morals and loyalty...the selfish choices and the total disregard of others... the confusion over what is right and what is wrong, the injustices, the devastation... it is so black... it is so overwhelming, so painful, so unfair...so hopeless and so exhausting...

To be called out of this darkness into the light... it is amazing. To be sucked back into it at times is unfortunate.

I am "rememorizing" 1 Peter 1 right now... and there it says... Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that will never perish spoil or fade kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed  in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to SUFFER  GRIEF in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold which perishes even though refined by fire - is proven to be genuine and may result in praise , glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed....

May have had to suffer???????????? just today a big wave pulled me under... took my breath away and had me realize AGAIN how horrible sin's consequences are ( and that I have to live "in" those consequences, even if I didn't commit the sin)... May have had to suffer???.... maybe it should go like that:  you ARE and always to a certain extent WILL BE suffering......that is depressing ... hopeless, really, but then... so that your faith may be proven GENUINE and will result in GLORY , HONOR and PRAISE for Jesus..

Hmmm. Right now, right now I do not like this one bit, I have a cold and like I said was hit with a baseball bat over the head with the "facts" of my life....so I AM fed up and very sad... the truth of the memorized scripture is still that: TRUTH  and He, the Truth, the Way and the Life is the one that called me out of the darkness into His marvelous light... right now, because of the black cloud, I might not see it, but that doesn't mean it is not there...

Just this morning, before all this happened, I was thinking how I just still have such a hard time that he could have just walked away from the commitment and US... dismissed us as worthless...

I need to focus on the fact that this does not mean we ARE worthless, it really only means that one person made a very wrong choice... and we have to live with the consequences... bummer...

If it results in GLORY PRAISE and HONOR I guess I am okay with it... anything for Him...the one that gives me my worth... hmmmmm, sucky night...  Pray for us....

... sold out to Him...

.. this morning at RENEW... during our Worship time... He was telling me something...I felt so warm and full of joy, knowing I was at home.. home in the place where I belong... home where I can be myself... in His house, with His people, for the first time since I became His child living a 100% for Him..
Realizing that my love and passion for my Saviour defines me.. it is okay to be "just" that... not just tolerated and sometimes made fun off.. my passion looked upon as being fanatic... not able to share this passion with the one I was sharing my life with... something always missing ... this part of me allowed to be lived out only in the ministries I was serving and with my Christian girl friends..
I never  knew that some part of me was always tucked away when I was the wife that was trying to make it work ( in His strength.. funny isn't it ) never aware I was putting some part of me on hold... nobody made me do that.. I just did...
Now, as I am getting more and more comfortable being "just me" there is no more reason for me to hide who I really am... a grateful follower of Jesus Christ, fully sold out to Him, living out of the abundance of His love that is oozing out of me... unstoppable no matter the cost....
I have been told numerous times that I was too intense, that not everything had to do with God and the Spiritual Realm... when I always see what is going on on this level ...
This morning He made that clear to me.. that I am me, Miriam, His beloved child and that He has made me into this passionate and totally committed to Him woman... that my purpose is to represent Him to the world and that this is GOOD. That it is all I need, and that this is the reason He allowed the sin that was committed against me... allowing me to know from the bottom of my heart that I had done everything I could to make my marriage work ... He allowed it to set me free, to be free to be who He has made me to be...
My heart once again is overflowing with thankfulness and awe.... uncontainable, overwhelming... and I know that many people just cannot relate and understand what is going on.. .and that is okay...
My focus is to follow Him, worrying not how to please men but how to please Him who died for me.... surrendering my will, my life, my hopes and desires... and realizing that I will not settle... that if there is a man that God has for me it will have to be someone who is as crazily in love with Him who is the reason we are here.. the lover of my soul.. my Redeemer and King...my Jesus!!!

.. he loves me... he loves me not...

..he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me.. he loves me not... remember that game.. all the poor, unsuspecting flowers getting their petals ripped off in an attempt to find out if he, the one we like, loves us... little girls are doing it... girls a little older do it and even "old" girls are still vulnerable and insecure..
especially when, like me, they found out the hard way that the one who said he loved her turned out to have been lying about it for a time and eventually admits that he DOESN'T..
Over the last year or so, after what I had fearfully suspected was proven to be a fact.. ... I have continually struggled with this....
As a born again Christian, in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He actually does love me... not only that, He made me the way I am, is constantly very gently making me even better... He will always love me and nothing can ever change that...but.... the need to be validated by a human, real flesh man is creeping up... again and again... sometimes it is only a "little need"... that is easily dealt with through prayer and time with Him, the one true love I have.. He helps by giving me other stuff to focus on, opportunities of service and joy through blessings from Him, like my kids and my friends...
Other times it comes over me like a black cloud, and this cloud follows me around... (I always have had a close connection to Eeyore... what a cute little munchkin....) then it is harder to shake off and then I am saddened  for a bit longer...
Then there are other times when I am walking in the warmth of the embrace of my Father in Heaven and I feel so loved.. it is amazing...
So, is it going to stay like this forever? the changes? There are less "very needy" times, for sure.. so maybe it will change.. I am actually pretty fine alone, most of the time, enjoying the freedom....but then the Eeyore moments come and again my Saviour has to pick me up and put me back on my feet... so glad He does not get annoyed easily... actually He has amazing patience and love for me...
He does make me smile... and He does give me strength... He is the One that lifts me up... and keeps me close.... no need to pull out flower petals, no need to wonder and fret... I know that I know that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus loves me... because the Bible tells me so...  :)

... we are living stones...

.. an new morning and God's mercies are new again... Heading to Cambridge again and meeting with 2 clients.... the one professes to be a buddhist, the other was brought up Catholic and had no trouble us praying for her when she came the first time...

As I am so excited for what God is doing in my life and as the fact that I get to share Him and His love with those that do not know Him I need to make something very clear....

Jesus came to save the lost and when He left He gave us the Great Commission... telling us to go and make disciples of all nations... He also came to give us something very worth wile, He gave it to us, because he knew, considering we are made in His image and He is in constant community ( The Trinity...)  we needed it...He gave us the church, His body, to be encouraged, held accountable, taught and ministered to, a "building" of living stones, build on the Cornerstone,  Jesus Christ....

Jesus disciples, at the Day of Pentecost, when the Counselor that Jesus had promised them came over them did just that, he made them into a church, a community of believers and from there it spread...

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.  

(Acts 2: 42-47)

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.(Hebrews 10:24 -26)

As I go out into the world so to speak, by God's grace, I am deeply rooted in the spiritual building He allowed me to become part of by serving Him, worshipping and learning together, making the Invisible Christ visible together..

And this is where I return to, to be build up and encouraged, to be spurred on, to be loved, to be ministered to and to minister to others...

Jesus, who gave His life for His bride, the church has this plan for me and for you.... to be part of a community of believers, to worship Him together to seek Him there and on our own in our Secret Place, and from there go out and make disciples... because He came so that we would bring the Good News to them ....to those that have not heard about Him... who alone can bring salvation and a purpose... I love Him and I love the church He has placed me in...

.. let His light shine...

The other day in my JOG group ( Journey of Growth, a mentoring ministry that was given to my beautiful, godly and wise pastor's wife) after reciting our memory work, sharing how God had spoken to us through the passage we were reading that week, accountability and prayer, we somehow ended up talking about what our names meant... and what was our verse, according to the book my friend owns...
Her verse turned out to be one of my most favorite verses :

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing."

Not fair...I should have had this one  ;)....but good for her..
She was kind enough to look my name up for me..


Miriam...
Inherent Meaning: Dwelling in the Spirit,
Spiritual Connotation: Discerning one...
My verse : Matthew 5:14-16 "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. ♥ ( original heart from my friend... she is cute like that :)

Now, isn't that amazing, it definitely totally confirmed all He has been revealing to me over the years of me being a Christian... all I have been hearing lately... Dwelling in the Spirit... this has been my prayer every morning for so long... Discernment, one of my spiritual gifts.. cool, and then the verse...
This has been my focus, shown to me by God for so long as well, and just lately it definitely has been the main focus.... no idea how the author of the book comes up with this, and really, it doesn't matter..

 Believing that God is sovereign over all Creation,
Isaiah 45: 6-7
I am the LORD there is no other,
I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

this is what He wanted me to hear.... how kind and amazingly loving of Him..the attention to detail blows me away again and again...
so today, as every day, I am asking Him to let my light, which is really His light pouring out through the cracks in me ( cracks left by sin and wrong choices of myself and others ) SHINE today, so that HE would be revealed in me and glorified through me.. because NEWS FLASH...that's why we are here...

.. a broken world without hope...

.. it would be really interesting to find out how we come up with this... we are selfish and full of pride.. liars, cheaters and greedy people...how did we come up with thinking we have a right to be perfectly happy and taken care of... how DID we ????

I think it is  something deep down inside, since we are made in the image of God, maybe there is some memory or idea how it should be... in the garden of Eden.. walking with the Lord, enjoying His love, attention, provision and care... right... that's probably why..

But back then, it happened, sin entered the world and brokenness has been the norm since... and until our eyes are opened by God's grace, revealing Himself to us and letting us get a glimpse of who we really are, corrupt and totally depraved, we have no idea and DEMAND all the good stuff, feeling entitled to judge others and get really upset that they are, as we are ourselves, totally unable to treat us that way..

Until 3 months ago, before getting involved at the Pregnancy Center I had NO IDEA!!! Oh, I had heard about people struggling, drugs, abuse, poverty... I had felt sorry and I had even prayed, given money for good causes etc. ... but, I had  no idea.

God had allowed me to reach out to hurting women and to extend His healing but that was all inside the church walls, ministering to people that already had received the most important gift there is..salvation through Jesus...

I am so thankful to have been led outside the walls in a capacity to try and make a difference for God's glory, to walk along side people that never had a chance... lost in a broken world, dealing with tough stuff, making wrong choices and just never able to get ahead and find some stability and hope.

How small even the "ultimate" betrayal by an unfaithful husband, the pain inflicted by some of the closest people stabbing me in the back seems in comparison to what these girls deal with on a daily basis..

Girls the same age as my girls, even younger, with so many scars already... so many losses and hurts...
and I am not saying that my girls have not been hurt by those letting us down, but I am realizing that through all this God has had us under His wings, protected for sure from greater harm.

Again, nothing compared to the 3 young women that I am mentoring now.. As I am praying for them I am fully aware that the biggest gift I have for them is not all the nice stuff they can find for their babies , or the help, support and encouragement I can give, but the one thing, that alone can make a difference in someone's life, the Good News, a relationship with the One who gave His life so that by His wounds we could be healed..

As I am relating to the women that come into the center, I pray that they would see Jesus in me and that His love would touch them and draw them close. I am thankful that sharing Him with others is something I love doing.. so as relationships are being established I will tell them about my best friend, the One who does not only have for me all I could ever need but who is always going to be there....and that He wants to be their friend too!!!!!!!!!!  :D

... a new morning....

... a new week...woke up with a headache, again... a long list of to do's... moving in less than a month...I really do NOT want to pack everything up again.... another consequence.. sucky...  "3" moves in one year... :(
The last few days were kind of grey, like the weather and for a while there I got a little discouraged.. I so want to be done with this...
Then, this morning, like every morning, I heard from God... He speaks to me from His word, and it is all very clear to me.. no surprises that we are facing trials.. but such a wonderful privilege to be called by His name... love His people, and that I do... feel His presence and know that HE is trustworthy and faithful... reliable... I guess that's one of the main things for me , and I shouldn't be surprised... promises broken leave you with a humongous need for someone who won't break His promises, thankfully I have known Him for a long time to be sure that I can trust Him...
Heading to Cambridge today, excited about that.. meeting with the lady I am working together to open our own Center tomorrow morning.. He is moving... in big ways and it is EXHILARATING !!!!!!!
So taking my eyes off the bleak, the grey and the painful ... fixing them on the One who calls me His sister and by His strength and grace I will embark on a new week... He gives and takes away... I will choose to say, Lord blessed is Your name!!!!!

...light and momentary troubles...

..this has been an interesting day...it's coming to an end, and that is a good thing. I am exhausted and spent emotionally.
This morning at RENEW, our Women's Bible Study, I was leading the discussion on how through Praise and Thanksgiving any circumstance becomes bearable because we are taking our eyes off ourselves and are fixing them on Him... how we are called to Praise God in the turmoil and thank Him rather than be negative and complain.
I thank God that tonight, confronted once again with the futility of life, appalled and saddened what a life lived without Him looks like in the later years.. I can praise my Father in Heaven once more for saving me...
rather than feeling defeated and empty after a quite depleting evening I  am reading all the "tweets" of the godly people I am following on twitter and I am being encouraged...
God is at work and He has amazing people out there serving Him in great and new ways...
Encouraged to look to Him and His Word rather than to the circumstances this is what comes to mind and points me in the right direction:
my light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Thanks to what He did for me, eternity is something to look forward to and not something to be feared...
even though a wave of sadness and loss came my way very unexpectedly this afternoon and made me cry..again... I rejoice that this day, like tomorrow is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it... through Him, the One who is greater than my yesterdays, who holds me close today, who is the Lord of my tomorrows.... I can face whatever comes my way and Praise Him in the Turmoil...

... intended for evil...

10 months ago something tragic happened ( actually 10 months and 2 days ago to be precise) a dramatic and shocking turn of events, a tsunami that knocked the life right out of us.

10 months later, one thing has become very clear to me... God in His sovereignty , after sifting what was coming at us through His loving fingers, allowed what was intended for evil...  because He was going to use it for good, to bring about  His purpose in my life... (I am trusting that the same is true for God's purpose for my children...)

intended for evil... God turning it into something good... sounds familiar?
right, Joseph, his envious brothers selling Him as a slave... God allowing it and using the evil to make sure Abraham's descendants would not have to starve during the famine..

10 months later, the wounds that were inflicted are healing slowly, scars will remain, a sadness that will probably never really leave for what was lost, but at the same time it seems that by losing my marriage I was freed up to pursue what God had been preparing me for my whole life. Allowing heartache and wrong choices, allowing me to serve and learn in Women's Ministry for many years, he finally brought me to the place where my greatest passion and the biggest perceived need intersected... the place where I will be able to bring the most glory to Him..who prepared these good works in advance for me.

today I found myself to be the only one at the Center to welcome a young pregnant girl and offer her our help. I set everything up for her to start the appropriate program. She left with a bag full of maternity clothes, some baby items, a lot of helpful info material and an appointment to meet with me for her first session next week. entering her data in the system and preparing her file made me feel that I was helping this young girl to find support and hope.

it feels like "in the fullness of time" God is bringing to fruition what He had planned from before I was born..
it fills my heart with gratitude that He would have a purpose for me, a place where I can extend His love to needy and lost women in a crisis situation bringing glory to Him and representing Him to the women that will come into "my" Center one day...

So, what was intended for evil... by God's grace might turn into something good after all...