.. he loves me... he loves me not...

..he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me.. he loves me not... remember that game.. all the poor, unsuspecting flowers getting their petals ripped off in an attempt to find out if he, the one we like, loves us... little girls are doing it... girls a little older do it and even "old" girls are still vulnerable and insecure..
especially when, like me, they found out the hard way that the one who said he loved her turned out to have been lying about it for a time and eventually admits that he DOESN'T..
Over the last year or so, after what I had fearfully suspected was proven to be a fact.. ... I have continually struggled with this....
As a born again Christian, in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He actually does love me... not only that, He made me the way I am, is constantly very gently making me even better... He will always love me and nothing can ever change that...but.... the need to be validated by a human, real flesh man is creeping up... again and again... sometimes it is only a "little need"... that is easily dealt with through prayer and time with Him, the one true love I have.. He helps by giving me other stuff to focus on, opportunities of service and joy through blessings from Him, like my kids and my friends...
Other times it comes over me like a black cloud, and this cloud follows me around... (I always have had a close connection to Eeyore... what a cute little munchkin....) then it is harder to shake off and then I am saddened  for a bit longer...
Then there are other times when I am walking in the warmth of the embrace of my Father in Heaven and I feel so loved.. it is amazing...
So, is it going to stay like this forever? the changes? There are less "very needy" times, for sure.. so maybe it will change.. I am actually pretty fine alone, most of the time, enjoying the freedom....but then the Eeyore moments come and again my Saviour has to pick me up and put me back on my feet... so glad He does not get annoyed easily... actually He has amazing patience and love for me...
He does make me smile... and He does give me strength... He is the One that lifts me up... and keeps me close.... no need to pull out flower petals, no need to wonder and fret... I know that I know that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus loves me... because the Bible tells me so...  :)