.. let the Word make your heart sing....

so this is my newest fav song... I like the lyrics... but most of all I like what John Piper says....

take a moment to listen to it.....

I love John Piper, he is a 72 year old pastor, professor and author who I think is very accurately and passionately sharing and teaching from scripture..

I think it would be right to say that he loves the Word...

so do I.

I think it would be accurate to say that he loves Jesus...

so do I

I think it is fair to say that he has gone through some suffering in his life...

so have I.

in this little blurb John Piper speaks about suffering... and the weight of glory it achieves for us, how purposeful God in His goodness is when He allows it in our lives...

but most of all these few last lines are what have really ignited my heart:

" take the truths ( from these verses - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18  / or any other scripture that applies to your life situation )  and focus on them day by day.

preach them to yourself every morning.

get alone with God and preach His Word into your mind ( let it sink in deeply, anchor itself in your mind, heart and soul ) until it makes your heart sing with confidence 

that you are NEW and CARED FOR. "

and LOVED. and PROTECTED.

that nothing is MEANINGLESS

that there is a PURPOSE

that He NEVER LEAVES

that He is the one that gives it all MEANING

and JOY

.....

I could go on and on and on.

so, when there is conflict, hurt, loss and grief, when there are things that annoy, aggravate, or scare me...

I choose to get out my Bible and do just that.

this is why 2 years ago I reinvested myself into memorizing scripture, verses, passages that are meaningful to me... 

that's what I do, when I cannot sleep, when I cannot stop thinking about what's going on...

I recite those verses that speak right into what I am experiencing to myself... there is no shortage of scriptures for anything you could encounter at any time...

I pray them back to Him who gave them to me in the first place....

what a delight it is.

how He meets me in my moments of need and gives me the strength to go on, on the path of obedience... all by His strength, never mine...

God is so very good.

though He slay me, yet I will praise Him

in Your presence there is fullness of JOY

at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

eternal glory achieved....

So we do not lose heart. 

Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  

as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. 

For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Because God in His loving Sovereignty,

to reconcile those He chose before the beginning of time to Himself,

gave His one and only Son

I do NOT ever have to lose heart.

no pain is meaningless

nothing happens to me that is not according to His perfect plan.

any Exile that I am in,

any broken relationship,

any "unfair" situation,

any sickness

any hardship..

ALL OF IT..

is not meaningless.

it is temporary

it is light 

compared to the most peculiar glory it achieves...

in the trial, 

I am called to be obedient to Him.

to forgive the one that hurts

to pray for my enemy

to trust Him, the Lord of my salvation

to as far as it is up to me

 pursue peace

to love

to reach out in kindness and patience and forbearance

to submit to God

and those He put in authority over me

never forgetting that it is about Him

and His Glory

God does not need me to manipulate or try to control

He is more than capable to orchestrate His will

He alone is God

He alone is worthy

in His time 

He will make all things 

BEAUTIFUL 

fixing my eyes on HIM

on things eternal

and in the temporary

by His grace

and His strength 

represent HIM well

thank you Lord for the trials of many kinds... through them the ones that don't know you yet can see you clearly in me.

thank you for my brokenness... through the holes in this vessel others can see your light shine out...

take my life Lord and let it be, consecrated Lord to you....

SOLI DEO GLORIA

..heart-breaking humility and toe tapping happiness...

I am so overwhelmed.

I don't even know where to start.

so all I can do is tell Him that.

I am overwhelmed by who He is.

the more I know Him, 

the more I study His Word,

the more I enter into this intimate relationship,

the more I lean into His heart and listen to His heartbeat...

the more He shows me that He can be trusted.

the more He walks with me through the yucky stuff

the heart-wrenching, heart-breaking stuff

the more He reveals to me what it is all about 

the more overwhelmed I am by His love.....

“Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name’s sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself.” (1 Samuel 12:20–22)

really???

do not be afraid... you have done all this evil.... uh... what?

do not be afraid, you have done all this evil???

yes. fear not. you have done evil. there are consequences.

but there is mercy. there is grace and therefore there is hope.

if you have maneuvered yourself into a tunnel, a corner, a cave,

if life in this broken world has left you feeling shattered and forsaken,

there is hope.

pain and hope do not cancel each other out...

this is what walking with Him is all about..

there is pain, some pain will never go away

but there is always hope with Him, who gave His life for us so we could be redeemed, 

bought back, 

put back into the fold, back into reconciled fellowship with the One who made us..

and why???

He will not forsake His people, for HIS NAME'S SAKE...

this fills me with joy

with gladness 

it's assurance

for His name's sake

that's not going to change

for His glory.

His love

His son

given for me

no fear

JOY that can't be taken away

and HOPE

tomorrow it will be 2 years since my mother even though kind of expected,  so suddenly passed away.

my heart is shattered still because it is just so very wrong.

it's a pain in my heart that will never go away.

but I can walk in this pain, I can love in this pain, I can bless others in this pain,

because of Him I can take my eyes of myself and look beyond my circumstances and ask Him to help me to bring glory to Him by being who He is in the process of making me into..

a representative of His in this world..

when sadness overwhelms I lift my eyes to Him and instead pray for those He has given me to love, send a text or make a phone call, bring some flowers or just stop in for a quick visit..

through Him I can do all this... comfort with the comfort I have received and love with the love He fills my heart to overflowing every single time I hang around in His presence...

He overwhelms me.

He really does.

making much of JESUS

It's the night before Good Friday

Good because 

Jesus, God the Son

obediently

gave His Life

as a payment for my sins

God killed Him

sin needed to be dealt with

sacrifice needed to be made

God the Son,

the lamb without blemish

the ultimate and the only sufficient one.

heart wrenching

every year

so very, very important to remember

came back from Israel two weeks ago, reality driven deeper into my soul

 experienced more intimately

thankful that through what He did, I, a Gentile

 was now able to be added to the family

thanks to 

my brother,

Jesus

full of passion for Him, my heart overflowing with a love like no other for Him,

teaching on the Early Church this week

I challenged the ladies that we too need to live like they did

doing life together, 

authentically

serving, loving, encouraging, supporting, learning, 

drawing closer and closer to Him

together

standing up and speaking truth

sharing who He is with all those around us,

 in deed and word,

and love

a friend shared this:

Gospel Truth + Gospel Culture = Power

tonight,

tomorrow 

and every day

I want to make much of Jesus

I want to live in such a way 

that others can see that He is indeed who He said He is

God's Son,

the King of Kings

the Lord of Lords

with Him as my Lord,

with the Holy Spirit in me

I can choose not to sin,

forgive instead of becoming bitter

consider others more important than myself

bringing His light into dark situations.

By His unending grace and for His sake.

We NEED to!

..obedient to the point of death... Israel take three / Caiaphas' house

the house of Caiaphas... the night before the crucifixion..
in the pit, an old cistern, let down by a rope, or maybe with a ladder...
left alone there for the night.
Jesus.
He knew what was going to happen.
all man.
all God.
He could have freed Himself, easily.
He could have changed it all.

but... for the joy set before Him He decided to stay.
instead he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

He did that for me.



a week ago,
I too was in that place

so humbling, to be in the exact same spot where God, the Son surrendered Himself to go ahead and pay the price for my reconciliation to the Father.

challenged to consider what I needed to surrender it didn't take long for me to come up with it.

I knew it before. I have been struggling with this for a long time.
it just has been highlighted once again in the last few months.

the need to protect my children.

it's as "easy" as that.

all I have ever known, seen in my life has been the mother trying to protect the children from the cruel and heartless treatment by the father.
my mother was still trying to do just that right before she died.
sad, considering that the "child" she was trying to protect was 51 at the time.
what seemed necessary when we were small definitely was out of place and rather detrimental even for that grown child later.

as a mother I too felt that need. I think as much as I learned as a follower of Christ that I needed to trust the Lord for them rather than trying to defend them all the time, I struggled.
truth is most of the conflict between my Ex-husband and I was about the children.
I learned to not get involved, not get in the middle as they got older, that my intervention actually made things harder for them...

once divorced I could only watch from afar and pray, and if needed help to put the broken pieces back together. I prayed a lot.

sadly lately I have been feeling a little more protective once again.
never expected a scenario like this, I guess it is just another consequence of broken families.

God is bigger than this and I just didn't want to stand in His way anymore.

so I surrendered.

I don't know about Jesus, I would assume that surrendering once was enough for Him.... after all, He is God and I am not.
My prayer is I won't pick it up anymore.
But rather leave it in God's capable hands.

when He gave Himself up for those the Father had given Him He did so in obedience to the Father.
when I give up my need to protect my child I do so trusting Him to love her more than I.
I trust that His plans are indeed to prosper, not to harm.
that all He allows or orchestrates is for His glory and for our good.

He is GOOD. All the time!

Thank you Jesus for what you have done for us.

living life on the altar...as a living sacrifice... Israel take two

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,

to present your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and acceptable to God,

which is your spiritual worship.......

Romans 12:1

have I told you how much I LOVE memorizing scripture??? I really do love it!!!

this is one of the verses that I have memorized! so good to dwell on the Word...

since leaving Israel on Wednesday lots has been going through my mind.. can I say my faith is even more real to me since seeing the places where it all happened... not that it was not real before.. the visual of those 10 days is being combined with what His Spirit has been showing and teaching me  over the last 24 years... it's amazing...

this morning in church during worship time I felt even more uplifted and moved than before... and I am emotional always..

at the Garden Tomb, from where you can see the place where Jesus most likely was crucified and where we looked at a grave that could very well have been the one that He was buried in, we had a sweet time of communion and sang Amazing Grace together... for me that was the most touching time of the whole trip... singing His praises this morning I thought if there was anything I would love to do differently if ever I went back it would be that I would want to take the time to sing His praises in all those places.. 

coming back to the scripture... living our lives as living sacrifices...... not like all the goats and lambs and doves who had to be killed.. but alive, continuing to live,  surrendered, fully sold out.. giving up everything, our whole lives... living in a way that keeps us without blemish like the animals had to be, not possible without what Jesus has done for us on the cross, when He offered His body as the ultimate sacrifice... how does this work itself out in our every day life situations..

when we are hurt, disappointed and wounded, when life is hard and boring and frustrating... will we take these moments as ministry opportunities? will living a life on the altar make us more like Jesus as we choose to do what is so against our nature: forgive, keep on loving, honoring, fervently serving, humbly surrendering to His sovereign will in our lives???

as we were driving home from church, in a nice car, going back to a nice house, in safety and comfort my thoughts were : How can we not????? 

having been in the place where Jesus chose suffering because that was what God's will had for Him, when He decided to consider this suffering to be pure joy because it was going to allow us full access to the Father.... even though we ourselves had destroyed that relationship in the first place..... How can we not ....

live as an ambassador for Him, bringing glory to Him, by His Grace and strength alone obviously.....

How can we not worship Him as living sacrifices... giving our all, always?????

walking in His footsteps... Israel take one

still dizzy from my travel induced vertigo, sick with a cold I have been fighting for a week, waiting for the next load of laundry to be done and just not quite up to go grocery shopping yet, I am listening to an old favorite song I was reminded of by a blog post from 7 years ago......

"... sometimes I wish I  lived when Jesus was walking this earth, I would have wanted to be Mary, sitting by His feet and listening to what He had to say, soaking in His presence, basking in His gentleness and love.... hearing truth , spoken by the "Way the Truth and the Life"..... but then I would have had to go through the heartache of losing Him, seeing Him again, just for Him to leave for good... to have known Him "personally" though would have been so amazing... wondering if I would have loved Him more than I do now... or believe in Him more...

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him (1 Peter 1:8 )

Loving Him, enjoying His presence.. staying at His feet, pouring out my love, my heartache and my sadness... my joy and my excitement... my worries and my brokenness...letting go of any selfish notion.. makes me think of a new favorite song...

Here before Your altar

I am letting go of all I've held

Of every motive, every burden

Everything that's of myself

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh, I am lost for more to say

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence

I am not afraid of brokenness

To wash Your feet with humble tears

I would be poured out till nothing's left

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

I just want to dwell on who He is, how much He loves me, how much I love Him, and how I can serve Him and follow Him... "


returned two nights ago from a 10 day visit to Israel. the amount of impressions, information and emotions is totally overwhelming... percolating, as always, the Lord, the Spirit, His Word and His nearness... walking on roads and steps He walked on, overlooking landscapes He was overlooking, sailing on the Sea of Galilee, like He was... standing in the places of His suffering, dwelling on who He was and is... I am getting new glimpses of my Jesus.....  too much to process right there and then I am excited what He will show me through all of this..

having studied the Old Testament over the last 6 months more intensely, being where King Hezekiah ( my absolute fav king, what can I say ) build a tunnel to have a source of water in the city in case of a siege by the Assyrians, just almost blew my mind....

one of the words that are bubbling up through all of this is AWE.... total AWE ..

from the beginning, we, God's creation, have always messed up so royally, it is almost incomprehensible that He has not totally ERADICATED us...
but instead He kept on forgiving, He kept on hearing the cries of His people, coming to their rescue, again and again...

MERCY... GRACE... not getting what we deserve and receiving what we do not deserve....

all of the Old Testament makes one very clear point.... mankind is not able to live up to what God rightfully expects of us... we are irredeemable ...

HE, the Redeemer had to come, goats and lambs were never going to be enough of a sacrifice to atone for our relentless sin... not until He came... and He did....
never have been able to get my head around this, and I never will, I am sure until I see clearly, not like in a mirror.. when He finally calls me home to spend eternity in His presence, finally...

His love is uncontainable and I want to sit at His feet, I want to absorb it all, down to the last little bit... and with it, I want to love Him back and those He has put into my path... so as to not hinder Him from accomplishing what He wants to accomplish through me... that they too would know Him... and that He would receive the glory and honor He deserves... it is and will always be only about HIM!

SOLI DEO GLORIA

... the "unconditional love" miracle

unconditional love.

no conditions.

patient

kind

not envious

not boastful

not proud

not rude

not self seeking

not easily angered

keeps no record of wrong

doesn't delight in evil

rejoices with the truth

always protects

always trusts

always hopes 

always perseveres...

there

that's unconditional love

that's agape love

that's the way our Father in Heaven loves us

that's how we need to love one another

not just husband and wife

everyone

that has been my prayer, this is what I am asking God to help me be better at, every single day

so lately... I have realized something ( I can be quite slow at times ... )

when you are asking God for something, you better be ready for it.. yup

I think, we ask, and we mean it, we sincerely want to be better at those things He wants us to do..

what I did not expect, even though He has shown me this before in other areas..duh.. I am really slow, is that He does not just magically drop some "love unconditionally" potion on me and ..tada.... I am this amazing unconditionally loving person...

not at all..

unfortunately.

instead, my most loving Father, who is so very committed to making me more like Him, I love Him for that :) creates the scenario that allows me to practice this..

the situation where, because apparently I have conditions ( don't be fooled by my kind face ;) it hurts to love, where the decision to love anyways - doesn't come easily... where it takes a choice and an action to follow, because let me tell you.. the feelings so most definitely want to run the opposite way... ( the heart is wicked, didn't you know ? )

when, even though you are hurt, disappointed, misunderstood and plain "didn't sign up for this" you have to forgive, and PURSUE the one who did the hurting in the first place....

when extending respect and acceptance is a pure act of obedience, because, let's face it, nothing is worth disobedience and the consequences that will so inevitably follow.. ( learned that the hard way )

that's what you get for asking God to change you and help you to love unconditionally, the way He, the Creator of the Universe loves me.

sounds like a bad deal, but, far from it, it never is with Him.

because that's how you can see Him at work, and be part of it.. how exciting is that...

Happy Valentine's Day <3 p="">

... standing firm means being obedient???????

love when we can take part in the Worship service, singing in a spontaneous choir or sharing a verse of scripture that is especially meaningful like last Sunday...

I have so many to choose from but I chose this one:

You do not need to fight in this battle, stand firm, hold your position and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, oh Judah and Jerusalem ( or personalized as I like it : oh Miriam )

Do not be afraid, do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them and the Lord will be with you!

2 Chronicles 20:17

having had to hold on to this one in rather scary situations like coming back from rushing to Switzerland to be with family when my mother so very suddenly passed away in April of 2016,  having "violated" my immigration status by leaving the country - how could I have not gone - God was indeed faithful and all He wanted me to do was to stand on His promise... and not be anxious...

the immigration process was complicated by this quite a bit and for sure delayed a long time, but, what we feared the most, me not being allowed back into the country, did not happen.
I saw the salvation of the Lord on my behalf!!!!

another time when because of business done in my name a long time ago,  I potentially could have lost all I had, the Lord once again went before me and blew my mind by the salvation I was able to see on my behalf....


but, since the Word of God is indeed living and active, sharper than a two edged sword and piercing to the division of soul and spirit ( and does it ever... ) there this morning, praying and reflecting on a conflict that's been going on for a while... He, my most precious father and king, showed me something new...


yes, this is an amazing promise God made to His people, and to me, but all of a sudden I realized something that I hadn't seen before...

standing firm... and so far I thought that meant to stand on the truth that God keeps His promises and to trust Him ( which it for sure means ) in this newer scenario it meant something a bit different, a bit more personal...

standing firm means not wavering, not moving away from what is God's will, His good and acceptable and perfect will... His will, that is the very best for me...

His will is revealed to me in His Word, and really, to me anyways, it basically means His will for me is to be obedient... to His will... to what He told me.

so when it says respect your husband, put him first right after God, then that's what I need to stand firm on.

and when it says do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit and count others more significant than yourselves... then that's what I have to stand firm on.

when it says look to the interests of others and not only your own.. then that's what I have to stand firm on

when it says forgive like your Father in heaven has forgiven you, then I need to stand firm on that...

when it says as far as it is up to you, pursue peace, then I need to stand firm on that.......

and then, because He is faithful, and merciful and gracious and in His purposeful goodness has chosen me to be His, then I see the salvation of the Lord on my behalf...
and for that I will praise Him forever and ever, Amen

no New Years resolutions ????

it's that time again... all the social media sites and all conversations seem to be centering on what will all be better next year... next year ... that's only 13 1/2 more hours ..
New Years resolutions...  was asked if I had any by a friend who knows me well...
she knew my answer before I even opened my mouth..

I have NONE!

I don't believe in New Years resolutions..
I don't believe in just because tomorrow's date will have a different number as the year, we need to come up with all those big ideas for change for the better...
I don't believe in all the many failures.. all the frustration that comes when all those new and lofty goals aren't being reached..

I just don't do it...

there is nothing wrong with making decisions to change things,
there is nothing wrong with new motivation to make better choices,
about food, exercising, traveling, seizing the moment. being kinder, working harder, saving more, enjoying more and all that..

I just don't get the hype..
aren't we always working on those things?
aren't we always called to improve?
shouldn't we take care of our relationships, bodies, health, finances etc at all times?

truth is...
we all have really good intentions.. at times.. we do get motivated.. and we get going.. we make ourselves get going... and we try.. try real hard.. and then something comes up and we fail..

truth is..
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

I have seen it in myself and in others.. it is true.. we can't make it happen without Him helping us.

but if we do... if we surrender all those great things and changes and all that to Him.. if we rely on Him for everything, depend on Him, open our fists and let go of the control, if we open our hands and receive what it is He has for us.. then this is true:

 I can do all things through him who strengthens me..

that's the truth..
found in the Book, the Word He gave us, the Word He is.. the truth, that contains all we need for life and godliness.. it's all there right there at our fingertips..

so.. all those amazing resolutions .. they are all nice.. if I was forced and had to come up with one.. it would always be the same.. the new goal for every new day..

to know HIM more, to focus on HIM more, to follow HIM more, to serve HIM more..

there.. ok, there it is.. my right now and every tomorrow resolution.. by His grace and His strength..

..."God at Work" .... His purposeful goodness teaching us ...

when sharing some of my "God at work" story with my church family this Christmas I was a bit disappointed that some of the things that I think God has taught me through my trials didn't make it on the video.. how hard is it to condense one's life down to 5 minutes... ;)  ( our Worship pastor did an AMAZING job editing this video - so blessed by him )

this is one of them right here: ( wrote this 7 years ago, so very true still today )




"The blessings we enjoy are Divine deposits, committed to our trust on this condition, they be dispensed for the benefit of our neighbors." ( a tweet I saw )


 Blessings a deposit from God to be passed on... hmmmmm...

If I think of my children and the way they bless me, they make my heart overflow with love and this love then makes its way to others.. I am more considerate, caring and loving with those around me..
If I think of material blessings.. that's easy, not use this all for myself, but give and share with others that are not as fortunate..
Other blessings could be time, I have been blessed pretty much most of my life as a mother by the fact that I did not have to work outside the house but could be there for my children.. as they grew older I used the blessing of my free time to get involved in ministry at my church, blessing others with the time I had by investing in their lives.
Talents and skills are blessings that should be shared for the benefit of others... a beautiful voice or a talent for organizing events.. there are always opportunities to bless others with the gifts we have been given..


In short, I guess it comes down to one thing... we were made for community... we were made a certain way to fulfill a certain purpose, we are given certain skills, talents, opportunities  and blessings throughout our lives to share them with those around us.
The Sovereign God  has us in exactly the right place at the right time and we , like living stones are used to built His temple... in the community of our families, our churches, our schools, workplaces etc. There are no randoms in our lives... the blessings we receive are, like this tweet said it so well, Divine deposits... like everything we have, just given to us  for safekeeping and to be used for the furthering of the Kingdom...


There is nothing about anyone of us that is useless and random... there is no experience negative or positive that is not purposefully woven into the tapestry of our lives... we are not an island, we are part of a community, a family... a Kingdom...
We all are important and have significant roles to play... we are gifted and valued...


Since becoming a Christian so long ago I have been filled with gratitude and awe regarding this fact... I have rejoiced in the opportunities to serve and to pass on the blessing... how empty and hollow my life would have been had I just kept all those treasures to myself... It is a blessing to be able to share oneself with those around us.... God made us that way... we thrive when we share the deposits He makes into our lives....


As we are approaching a New Year I am excited about the opportunities this year will bring, opportunities to bless... and be blessed... to live a life in community with other believers and unbelievers... sharing all the blessings and in turn be blessed beyond anything I could ever wish for...


Be assured that the service opportunities are right there for you... just ask God to open your eyes.. He has you where you can make a difference for someone... share His love, be generous...... it is better to give than to receive.....

shouting my sins from the rooftops... say what?????

over the last few days I have been hearing something from my best friend, Jesus that is, He has been telling me I need to shout my sins from the rooftops....
living in an atmosphere of what seems to me a bit more judgemental ... I believe He wants me to be real and authentic and share the bad and the ugly
and I do not have a problem with that at all!


I am 53 years old.
my first 28 years I lived in Germany.
the next 23 years I lived in Canada.
the last 2 years and a bit I have been living in West Michigan.



the first 30 years of my life I was what I came to understand to be a "nominal" Christian ( someone who by association / tradition believes in God / Jesus etc. but has not personally encountered the Saviour )
the last 23 years and 5 months I have been walking in close fellowship with Him, who gave His life to save me, have been committed to becoming more and more who He wants me to be and spurned on by the gratitude for what He has done for me, I have chosen to stand firm on the truth He has been and continues to reveal to me through His Word.

one of the ways this works itself out in my life is that I have not hidden anything from those around me. having been accepted and forgiven by the God of the Universe I have no reason whatsoever to be too concerned about what others are thinking about me, I do not need to worry about approval of men since I have the only thing that counts already... the approval of God!

in the first 30 years of my life, for the most part trying to live up to moral standards taught to me by my parents and the society I lived in, I, as I later learned sinned quite a bit....

• sex outside marriage
• abortion
• divorce

I could tell you that my father was never around and when he was, he was not interested in me ( and that was the best case scenario )
I could tell you that I was sexually assaulted at age 15
I could tell you that my mother told me to not have sex as early as some of my friends ( as early as 14 ) and I listened, I was 20
I could tell you that I did not know that it was a sin to have sex outside of marriage
I could tell you that I got pregnant the first time I did... and I could tell you that again my beloved mother ( who also didn't understand any different, but thankfully met her Saviour 3 years before she passed away after a long battle with cancer a year and a half ago )  advised me to have an abortion, telling me that my life was just starting and this would never work.
I could tell you about the horrible depression I fell into right after, the guilt I felt for 10 years, the way this made me get married far too young for the worst reasons ( the need for a replacement baby - the need to find out if God would punish me by not being able to have a child )
l could tell you that believing the lie that it would be better for my children to have a peaceful life without their father than being in a family that wasn't working, was what informed my decision to leave my husband....
I could tell you that I didn't know that God hated divorce


all those things are true.
all those things are still my sins.

coming to Canada after my first attempt at grown-up life had failed, I met and in a matter of 3 months moved in with my new boyfriend, who, again, couldn't meet my needs, no surprises here, as I couldn't meet his, in my desperation I started praying to God to reveal Himself to me... I prayed every day for 6 months.. I remember exactly what I kept saying to Him... "there has to be more to you, to this life than this, than all I had learned about you in religious classes at school and catechism classes "( yes, I had to take those to be confirmed in the Lutheran church )

searching for Him in all the wrong places I am thankful that He never let me be satisfied with any of the counterfeit stuff like astrology, new age and other religions...

so then, when in June of 1994 he directed me to go to church with our neighbours and I heard the gospel preached for the very first time, I couldn't stop crying and the overwhelming joy of meeting Him and realizing what He had done for me has never left me since.

I got involved in Small group right away and a few months later I lead my first Bible Study... I have served in all kinds of different ministries, have been a Women's Ministry director, a Biblical Counselor, the Director of a Pregnancy Center, Adult Sunday School coordinator, Worship team singer, Mission team member and so much more.

God blessed me with a church family that loved me and when my second husband left me, supported me and showed me the love of Christ.
I was blessed by Elders and staff that cheered me on and made it possible for me to follow the calling God gave me to open a Pregnancy Center ... sharing my testimony about my abortion in front of my whole church at our Grand Opening was something I felt I could do, since God asked me to, and, believe it or not, had forgiven me for....

I did not choose my family. I did not choose my circumstances. the culture I was born into.
but I did choose to sin.

my sins nailed Jesus to the cross
my "big" sins and my "small" sins...
He paid for them all

I wish I hadn't made those choices, but I know also that because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a sinner in desperate NEED of a SAVIOUR, I am in a great place.
I know that I cannot live my life in any way that is pleasing to Him without Him being the One who does that through me.
I know that I am depending on Him for EVERYTHING.
I know that I am not contributing anything.
I am eternally grateful for His forgiveness and the new life He has given me.
I am relying on Him for all that I need
and I love Him, so much, that I do not even know what to do with it at times
I love Him so much that doing the hard stuff, the forgiving and loving anyways is a no brainer for me.
I am thankful that what I and others in my life meant for evil , He from the beginning of the world meant for good and that He in His most wonderful sovereignty is working it all out for HIS GLORY..
and, ultimately even for my best.

I don't deserve Him, and what He did for me and that's why this is my life motto:

SOLI DEO GLORIA

You are the Lord of my tomorrows

a question from yesterday's Bible study: 

when facing trials and tribulations.... do you trust God.. do you believe He is trustworthy, do you believe that He is good??????????

looking back on the 23 years of being a Christ follower I have indeed come to know Him as trustworthy, have come to know Him as loving, gracious, full of mercy and GOOD... all the time..

I have come to know Him in the midst of my trials, when my husband cheated and walked away, when my mother got so very sick, when a lawsuit was filed against me that would have destroyed and taken away all my worldly goods, when the dysfunction and sorrow caused by my extended family reached new heights... 

I met Him when what I was hoping for did not come true. when frantic prayers were not answered the way I wanted them to be...

when the marriage did come to an end, when my mother succumbed to the cancer that could not be stopped, when more and more abuse was heaped on top of what was already there...

when I found out that my hope is not in changing circumstances but in Him, and that He, and that is the most wonderful thing, will never change...

I now know Him to be worthy of my trust. I know that all He ever orchestrates or allows is the very best for me...

facing new and troubling scenarios I ( after first still getting frazzled and afraid ) I choose to think about that which is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, anything that is excellent and praiseworthy... knowing that the Lord is near, I choose to rejoice and give Him all my requests by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving and His peace floods my heart and my mind.... and it is all because of Him....

I have come to know that I am in the best place when I am weak, when I know that I cannot control anything and surrender it all to Him, because in my weakness He is strong, He is glorified the most... 

I have no good thing apart from my Lord, and only because of Him do I have fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore.

remembered this song from 7 years ago.... and it is still so very true:

Here I am a sinner

Broken and in need of You

Take my life and wash my fears away

For You are the Great I AM

Rest assured, I feel Your hand

Holding me until the darkness clears

A Father to the fatherless

Redeemer of my soul

My Life is Yours forever

I want the world to know

Your mercy saved me

Mercy made me whole

Your mercy found me

Called me as Your own

Here I stand a child of Yours

Broken and in need of You

Break these chains and wash my guilt away

Healer of my brokenness

My weary soul will find its rest

You are my strength, the lifter of my head

You're greater than my yesterdays

You hold me close today

You're the Lord of my tomorrows

My heart will always say

You're greater than my yesterdays

You hold me close today

You're the Lord of my tomorrows

My heart will always say

You called me as Your own

Thank You for Your mercy

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

    to the soul who seeks him.

Lamentations: 3:25

The Lord is good to all,

    and his mercy is over all that he has made.

Psalm 145:9

repaid according to my mess ups???

today is a new day. 

a glorious day.

yesterday's broken moments do not have to define my today.

His mercies are new.

so is His grace.

so is His love

He won't deal with me according to my sins,

He will not repay me according to my mess ups

so I don't have to either.

sin done against me yesterday 

doesn't have to ( and really shouldn't ) be carried into my new day.

be angry and do not sin. do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.

forgive, because you have been forgiven.

so today,

it most definitely holds enough worries of its own,

no need to still carry yesterdays worry and hurt.

someone hurt me yesterday

and he shouldn't have

but because of what Jesus has done for me,

I can ( and have to ) let it go.

instead of dwelling on past hurts 

I can press on. 

I might not even want to, but I need to.

fixing my eyes on Him who gives me all that I need at all times

and live in a manner worthy of my calling.

called to be loving unconditionally.

NO CONDITIONS

love because He first loved me.

living He loved me

dying He saved me

buried He carried my sins far away

rising, He justified freely forever

one day He's coming

oh glorious day !

no matter the struggles - entrusting my soul

this last few days I have been reading through many of my old blog posts from 7 years ago and I have been reminded of a couple of things...

one is, how hard it was. another is how amazing God is. and yet another one how blessed I am today.

many of the things that were hard right after my husband left our family for good have changed for the better, many are still hard. new losses have occurred and things that looked a certain way are looking different now.

the one thing that has not changed is that the One who was there to help me through this very dark and tumultuous time is the same today as He was then. He actually has always and will always be the same.

how cool is that?

His love for me is the same today, yup, and I do hope that I am following Him closer now, that He has indeed changed me and made me more like Him in the last 7 years... but even if I hadn't changed much and even when I do struggle still today, He loves me the same He did when He first opened my eyes to see me for who I was and when I saw Him clearly for the very first time..  and my need for His salvation, the forgiveness of my sins, past, present and future...

walking with Him today looks different at times, yet He still meets all my needs.

losing my mother was / is hard, seeing some of my very loved ones walking away more and more...
having had to leave behind the ministry God gave me and finding my way in a new place, with new people, different dynamics and different hang ups... not that easy at times.. encountering scary things like the prospect of losing all my earthly belongings, immigration issues, hard hard stuff happening in the life of a loved one... all this has kept me on my knees, desperate for Him, with the need  to know Him even more, to search His scriptures and to hold on to them...

committed to walking in a manner worthy of the Lord's calling I have had to dig deep at times.. when He called me to love the one that has caused so much heartache to me and others, I found myself struggling, walking rather discouraged and subdued He showed me that nothing could take my joy away.. that when I didn't really feel any joy much in my daily existence, when discouragement seemed to be far too big to be dealt with He told me to look at Galatians 5... the passage about the flesh and the Spirit... memorizing it all I chose to stand on the truth that joy, like love, peace, patience,  kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control are fruit of the Spirit who lives in me.. and that made me think:

He lives in me. this fruit it mine. it is there for the living, for the taking. I don't have to jump through some hoops and somehow ramp up my walk as a Christian... He is in me.

memorizing Psalm 16 helped as well.... the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance... for He makes known to me the path of life, in His presence there is FULLNESS of JOY, at His right hand there are pleasures forevermore.....

when my circumstances and the resulting feelings want to make me feel like Eeyore under that black cloud, and let's face it, this has been my go to place by nature, I instead will recall from memory what He has promised. what He has revealed to all of us in His Word... and I am taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, choosing to stand firm in my faith, resist the devil who prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour, I hold my position because I know that He is fighting my battles and I do not need to... I just have to watch the Salvation of the Lord on my behalf...

the passing away of my mother last year has been tremendously painful, but it showed me something very profound as well....

if you are sure that you have been saved, if you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are His disciple, ( a little hint: if you keep my commandments , you will abide in my love,  just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in His love. - Jesus )
then you can be sure of eternity with Him, and when we get there one day, all of the trouble that we for sure are facing while in this world will be forgotten and will not mean anything anymore... He Himself, the God of all grace has called us to His eternal glory and He will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish us.... when we finally meet Him face to face He will wipe away every tear and we will live with Him, praising Him forever...

so... take heart, our Saviour, our precious Jesus has overcome the World... He came to give us life abundantly, so that we would have joy to the full and peace... a peace that surpasses all understanding....


and I know that this is a FACT!

so let's entrust our souls to a faithful Creator, while doing good... no matter the circumstances, the world falling apart around us, no matter the suffering...
and represent Him well! It's what we are here for!

A Psalm of Praise.. for the Lover of my Soul

Jesus,

The great red dawning that rises over the mountains of all eternity.

The shining bridge of stars that arches up and up and gives us a path from earth into heaven’s throne room.

To our ship, battered in a storm He is the lighthouse.

He brings the message of eternity to us over the vast gulf of time.

He is the well of our hope.

He  is the reason our hope endures.

He has brought us so much more than the happiness we might wish for.

He has stretched out His arms in humility so that 

the gap between us and a Holy God could be bridged.

He was the lamb without blemish, sacrificed for our transgressions, once and for all.

Without Him we would be forever caught in the futility of ever striving and never arriving.

Without Him there would be no light, only darkness. 

Without His unfailing love there would be NO HOPE.

Let us Praise Him,

Let us bow down before Him in eternal gratitude and awe.

In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was  God, He was with God in the beginning.

He, who being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God 

something to be grasped,

but made Himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

 being made in human likeness..

..he humbled Himself 

and became obedient to death,

even death on a cross!

Let us Praise Him and Worship Him,

Let us come before Him with thankfulness in our hearts.

Because we are the people walking in darkness,

who have seen a great light.

We rejoice in you, oh Lord and Saviour,

Oh Father of the fatherless,

Oh Lover of the souls of all the lonely and rejected.

We love You because You first loved us...

You considered us worth dying for 

even while we were still your enemies,

dead in our transgressions.

Let us Praise You, Jesus, 

Lord of Lords

and King of Kings

Brother and Friend,

You are worthy of our Praise

Both now and forever more!!!

Last post: one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead

I started blogging in June 2010.. I have had 24,700 page views on here, from all over the world ..
God has used the blogging, or "public journaling" to guide me through the last 2 years, a time of deep sadness and turmoil..
I am marking this day as the day I have officially felt released from the journey through this last valley..
I am aware that God in His love for me will continue to allow difficulties to shape me and refine me, make me more like Him, but I needed to acknowledge that I am no longer defining myself as the woman who is going through the turmoil caused by her tragic marriage break up, the woman, who so never, ever wanted to get divorced again (now that she had found out it was against God's will ), who never wanted it for her kids and who was betrayed and abandoned..
this is my past, thanks to God I have been healed, there are scars, but no more open wounds.. there will always be moments of sadness but I am NOT defined by those..
I am a child of God, a grateful follower of Jesus Christ, someone who knows and accepts that in this world we will have troubles, and I  know that my Jesus has overcome the world : For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I am His daughter, the daughter of the King, chosen, adopted and loved eternally..

so there.. this is why I have started a new blog:
www.beyondtheturmoil2301.blogspot.com  Beyond the Turmoil : A Tender Reed He will not Break!!!!
Hope to see y'all there :)

...life threatening situations.. He makes all things beautiful !

feeling a little bit better but still pretty beaten up, I was just reminded that our life here on earth is troublesome and full of sickness, sadness and difficulty.. we are withering away and our time here is short.. we are like a vapour..

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

( James 4:13-14)

just added another person to my acute cancer prayer list, making it 6 at the moment..
praying for my parents salvation and health, my mother ignoring her health problems and putting herself in danger of dying of a heart attack without a hospital in adequate proximity..
praying for family issues to be resolved and peace to be restored, praying for wisdom and guidance for myself and my children, for healing and protection ...
our days are numbered and each of them have been written in the book of life... our loving Father in Heaven cares for us and wants to meet us in those difficult times..
I have experienced His comfort often and so I am asking Him to grant the family members of those facing the reality of cancer and other life threatening illnesses the same comfort...
I know that He can envelope us in an embrace so warm and soft it allows the tears of grief and fear and sadness to flow freely, knowing that He has all our lives in His capable hands..
visited today by beloved, caring people, I felt His love... I am thankful.. what would we all do without Him, our Heavenly Father, who loves us more than anyone ever will?
lifting up those around me before His throne, knowing that He will make all things beautiful in His time!

In His time, In His Time

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Lord please show me every day

As your teaching me Your way

That You do just what You say 

In Your time.

In Your time, In Your Time

You make all things beautiful in Your time.

Lord my life to You I bring 

May each song I have to sing

Be to you a lovely thing 

In Your time.

..growing pains.. or "going through the middle"

sitting on my couch, icepack on my head, trying to recover from "major dental surgery" I thought it would be fun to share another little Cruise tidbit with y'all :)
last port before arriving in Boston was Bar Harbour, Maine.. the coast of Maine has been on my list of places I would like to visit for some time so I booked an excursion that sounded interesting..
Cadillac mountain was beautiful with picturesque views of the stunning coast line of Maine, second stop on this excursion was the Oceanarium... the lobster museum to be precise..
other than the fact that the owner and guide was a Christian who was delighted to have a group of believers as his visitors, him sharing some pretty cool stories of how God has used him to witness to other tourists, him praying for us at the end.. he also gave us some very surprising information about lobsters..
learned that lobsters live 50-100 years, that Maine Lobstermen put female lobsters back into the water so that they can continue to have thousands of lobster babies :)
the most amazing fact though was this: lobsters shed their shell, 25 times a year in the first few years of their lives and once a year or even only every 3-4 years when they are older...
an enzyme makes the shell and the connective points softer and it takes lobsters about 15 minutes to half an hour to get out of their  shell, while "molting"  they absorb water which makes them grow about 20 % of their size... for 6-8 weeks their new shell is too soft to protect them from their predators and so they stay hidden away, bury themselves in mud and eat voraciously, often eating their old shell because of the minerals it contains..

amazed at the detail in God's Creation, seems funny to me that some people would think some big bang and random selection would be able to create something that perfectly put together..
what struck me most was that in order to grow, lobsters have to shed the old, ( I am sure the shedding / molting is not an easy task...) that it leaves them vulnerable for a time and they hide away, feeding on what gives them strength to emerge bigger and stronger in the end...
sounds familiar? sounds to me like the growing times the Lord has for us.. painful, shedding something old, in order to be changed, retreating during the vulnerable times and hiding in His arms, being nurtured and emerging stronger and wiser...

always have loved lobster... eating lobster that is.. oopsies.. but I really appreciate them now, after meeting the old Christian Lobsterman from Maine.. so blessed to have met him, another little tidbit my Jesus had for me.. thought I'd share this.. :)

.. dental surgery and a HUGE loss :(

today has been a very sad day... I forgot to tell someone something, and then it was too late...
this morning I took 2 "Dopey" pills to be sedated for my dental surgery... no fun, still felt too much of the pulling and drilling for my taste but wasn't awake enough to tell the dental surgeon something...
you see, two of the three teeth he pulled before drilling the six implants into my jaw bone ( :S )
have been with me for 46 and a half years... yes, they were my baby canine teeth.... and I would have liked to take them home... my friend Cindy suggested I should put them under my pillow and I thought I could have expected a nice cheque the next morning... after all there was no tooth fairy around, when I was little over there in Germany..
but all jokes aside I thought I would have liked to have kept them...
they were good friends to me these tiny little things... served me well, and I would have liked to give them a place of honour in my jewellery box... I might have even put them in the box I keep all my kid's little baby teeth in... ( shhhh, don't tell them or they will know there is no tooth fairy )
anyways... in a daze most of the day and in quite some pain, no fun... today must also have been the hottest day, and somehow my little AC had no chance, it was steaming hot all day... or maybe it only felt like that to me.... in my daze.....
feeling rather raw and achy I was just feeling a little sorry for myself... but I have no one to blame but my father :) whose genes made me miss 12 out of my 32 grown up teeth... and myself, for finally wanting to be done with partials and other fake things in my mouth...
"wer schön sein will, muss leiden" my mother always said... there is suffering involved with being made beautiful... oh well....
true for beauty outside and inside, as I am well acquainted with ... I shall take another painkiller and try to sleep... ttfn...