..God wants me to be happy... really?

..heard that a few times in the last little while..."God wants us to be happy"..... where do people get that from??????

yes, the Bible is telling us about how much God loves us, how He blesses us, what He has for us, the life He has for us, a life He wants us to live abundantly... He gives us joy, peace, kindness, patience, gentleness... He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us..  He gives us hope, and a future, He is promising us that in the suffering He will be there, that the peace that passes all understanding will always be ours ... in persevering our characters will be refined, in the fire our faith will be proven genuine.. He says to pick up His cross daily, we are to bring glory to His name.. He gives us His rules and regulations to keep us save from hurting ourselves and everyone around us..
He definitely wants us to become more like Him, know Him, put others before our own needs..
where does it say He wants us to be happy????
I have not found it.. he wants what is best for us... in the long run, and in the long run it is about knowing Him more and more and to learn that we desperately depend on Him... that we NEED to rely on Him alone...
I think those that want to change some of the rules because He definitely can't mean this since He wants us to be happy, don't really trust Him..
driving this morning listening to Casting Crowns, I was once again overwhelmed that the fact that He has saved me when I didn't deserve it, should really make me "HAPPY" for the rest of my life... here and in Heaven with Him...
shouldn't born again followers of Christ, those that have a relationship with Him and have tasted the blessing of knowing Him intimately know better???
I know that it is easy to get caught up in all this... our world tells us we have a RIGHT to be happy... well.. again, is God saying this? I don't think so... we will have total bliss, no more tears and all the joy and happiness there is when we are with Him for eternity.. here on this earth He said we will have troubles.. but He has overcome the world... He said "Don't be surprised when you have to deal with suffering and heartache... with me you can continue to do right, serve me and be a good ambassador for me... I think the whole "God wants me to be happy thingi" is a little off.. holy, yes, joyful in all circumstances yes, but happy??? not so sure...

.... Hope for Life.....

this wonderful friend of mine.. one of my innermost circle of friends... one of those that you meet and have that instant connection with... a friend that supports you and is always there for you... a friend that has your back .. a mutual friend today said she thought of her as being Job... this friend of mine has had to go through a lot in the years I have known her...
sickness at first, her child, and then her.... and then, 10 months ago I received a call from her that made my heart break all over again... here she was facing the same pain I had had to go through 2 years ago... I never would have wished this on an enemy of mine ( I don't even think I have any) but for a friend that close to my heart to go through this hurt me as if it was happening all over again...
we have become even closer through the last 10 months and as much as we both would not have wanted the other to have to deal with this, it is good that we have each other...
last week, more bad news.. this time her precious child, sick again, seriously sick... waking up many times every night just praying for both of them... I know that He is right there with them, I know that He will turn this into something good... He will do that because they love Him... He has called them according to His purpose... He is there to comfort, to give hope, to heal, to walk through the valley with them..
He is giving them peace, peace that surpasses all understanding... He has surrounded them with great doctors and loving nurses, supportive family and friends, and even though had they had a choice they would have chosen not to have to deal with this on top of the turmoil of the last 10 months, He will bless them through it... there will be beauty from ashes and they will know Him even more.. they will know His sweet fellowship and love.. they will know His presence and faithfulness on a much deeper level...
He has perfect plans for them, plans to prosper them, both of them, and not to harm them.. even if this might be hard to see right now.. plans to give them a hope and a future... a future so much brighter than anything they could wish for....

there is a girl I will meet with this week, a young girl that is pregnant... overwhelmed by her reality... there is a woman who is on the path of healing from an abortion.. another woman met with my partner today, pregnant too and not sure what to do... there is such heartbreak EVERYWHERE...
..and like our Pastor for Outreach so passionately communicated on Sunday... we have something to offer to the hurting world.. we relate to them in our sinfulness, in our brokenness, the only difference is that we have HOPE..
a hope that will not be disappointed, because of the Saviour we have... that's the difference.. and we HAVE  to share it... why else did He leave us here... right on Pastor Bob....

...my very own "Princess Party"...

this has been quite the week...  ups and downs , deep satisfaction and turmoil... scary developments and God answering prayers...

insight and wisdom gained, grace extended, "nest" protected... sickness and fatigue, exhilaration and excitement..

what a roller coaster, and, on so many levels..

I am sure that could be said about any given week in anybody's life ...  

struggling to trust for some of the situations that arose over the last week I am once again amazed how God works..

have made some new friends through the ministry God gave me,( Hope for Life ) ..spending lots of time together we are connecting on a deeper level all the time.. enriching my life these new friends have been speaking truth to me these last few days..

a client that came for counselling shared with me how the day of the Anniversary of her abortion has had real significance in her life...

the same is true for me.. August 6, 1984 was the day of my abortion and this day has been difficult not only that year but again and again...

the last August 6 was another one of those.. the Wedding date of my Ex-husband, a very difficult day for my children and in some way for me as well...

was reminded of this when telling another one of my volunteers about what God did for me on August 6, 2011... how He had orchestrated the most personalized "Blessings Weekend", my own "Princess Party" for me, more than I could ever have imagined.. retelling the story opened my eyes again to one very amazing fact :

I can trust Him to mean well at all times, I can depend on Him and do not have to worry and be afraid how things will turn out... He proved it to me on that weekend.. there is no doubt.. He proved it to me again yesterday when talking about it reminded me of His love for me and His goodness..

this morning, after a VERY long and beautiful time with my Lord I received an email that had me dance around like a little kid... He is just so good... ALL the time.

I knew it before but am more aware of it again that we need to be in community with other believers. we need to tell about the wonderful things He has done for us... we need to share how He is at work, how He helps and how He comes through for us, and how He continually blesses us... just saying'

#SoliDeoGloria

..music...makes my soul sing..

spent some of the day downloading old songs off iTunes.. got me all sentimental... ELO, Chicago, Barclay James Harvest... Chris de Burgh... Phil Collins, Elton John..

music is just such a wonderful thing the Lord gave us..

had a very sweet friend tell me today I could come over and she would play her harp for me... how nice is that.. and that just because I commented on her status on Facebook where she was asking about any engagements and wedding plans as a result of today.. "that I wish.. but no... :( "

music.. I have thought many times the fact that God gave us music tells a lot about His heart... about how much He cares and who He really is..

without music life would be so empty .. less beautiful... there is something about music that makes our souls sing.. there are so many songs that never fail to touch the deepest places of my heart.. my innermost being resonates with music on such a deep level.. I don't know what I would do without it..

how kind of Him to enrich our lives this way..

was thinking the other day that I really need to get my violin out again..  and I need to sit down on my piano and play again.. when I was a child my piano was were I was able to move beyond whatever had upset me... a release... music ministering to my soul...

every Sunday I can lose myself in the wonderfully long Worship time we have.. offering my heart and my soul to the One who is worthy to be praised.. what a privilege..

lifting my hands in praise to Him, leaving my burdens at His feet and giving Him my all.. sometimes I wish I could stay there.. 

some very dear friends made a point today to tell me they love me and again I am touched by the kindness and thoughtfulness of my sisters in Christ.... 

they are...

Christ before me 

Christ above me 

Christ beneath me 

Christ beside 

Christ my vision 

Christ my wisdom 

Christ my comfort 

Christ my guide

so thankful for the community of believers He has placed me in.... I have done nothing to deserve their love and support... blessed beyond belief..... you know who you are... and I LOVE YOU TOO..

and not just today ;)

  

A reminder... needed so much...Patience..

This is a post from almost 2 years ago.... just reading through some old ones and this is still so very applicable... I guess I am who I am... needed the reminder.. and serving Him I am... Thanks be to God!!!!

If you know me, you know that I am a passionate, 

(some negative and very mean :( people call me fanatic.. the nerve) enthusiastic person.... most of the time this kind of character trait comes with another , that is not quite that positive (if you think it is positive to  begin with).... the not so good thing that comes with passion is often times IMPATIENCE...


So, God, my beloved Daddy, has had his hands full with me in that way... many times in my life I have just jumped right into situations that seemed so right at the moment but then turned out disastrous......
After 16 years of having the Holy Spirit living in me I am happy to say that the patience that is part of His fruit has also grown "a little bit" in me......


 As I am so very excited now.... you got it, I am also really struggling with impatience...
So I thought, why not try and get some wisdom from "THE" source of wisdom... so I did a little word study of the word patience in the bible.


As all good scholars ;) do, I first looked patience up in the dictionary and the thesaurus..here it goes:


Meaning: the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining
Synonyms: forbearance, long-suffering, sufferance, tolerance
Related Words: acquiescence, resignation; passiveness, passivity; amenability, compliance, conformism, docility, obedience, subordination, tractability, willingness; discipline, self-control; submission, submissiveness
WOW....I knew it was a high calling...


Now, what does the bible have to say... interestingly enough patience, the noun is only found in the  bible 17 times, to be patient 27 times.... hmmmmm
 Does that maybe mean this is an action... something we need to choose to do, rather than wait for it to happen by itself... ( as an aside... to bad this site has no emoticons... I so would like to use some here and there)


I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1)
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ( Romans 8:25)
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ( Romans 12:12)
And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. (Hebrews 6:15)


These are only four of the verses that contain the word patient... there is quite a bit though that speaks to me and let's me know what the Lord has for me, if I wait patiently....
He will hear my cry, we will receive what is promised... it tells me too when to be patient... in affliction, and when I am hoping for something I do not have....this verse in Romans 8 reminds me of another one that sounds almost the same: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)  isn't it interesting the connection that can be made here..
If we hope patiently for what we do not have, and we are being sure of what we are hoping for, that's faith... after waiting patiently, we will receive the promises...so even though we cannot see them now, through faith, which is a gift from God, we do not loose hope, actually, like Romans 12:12 says, we are joyful in this hope...it is amazing.
I love the Word...it has answers for all our questions.... that's another proof that our Father in Heaven loves us so much...He has given us His word, so that we can find all we need, wisdom, hope, joy and faith..


So, once again,   I have the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining, I have the willingness to be obedient...because, as I wait patiently, my God gives me joy as I hope in what I do not have, knowing that He hears me and will give me what He has promised  and He even provides and grows the faith that I need to be able to hold on to this hope.... AMAZING!!!!!!!!!


As the Spirit testifies to my spirit I can joyfully and patiently serve Him while I am waiting.....


So I am, today... and for however long I need to..because I am sure of one thing most of all, my Father in Heaven is GOOD ALL THE TIME... I know it because I know Him...after all, He is right here holding me... Hallelujah!

.. His love is PRICELESS...

VALENTINE'S DAY

a "regular" Saint's Day of the Catholic Church until done away with by  Pope Paul VI in 1969.. only because nothing of the Saints was known other that one of them was martyred in 269 AD, another one was a bishop who is said to have been martyred under Emperor Aurelius, this was even earlier..
 Saint Valentine's Day had no romantic meaning until during High Medieval Time in France it became the day of the highly romantic and "love crazy" French, who picked it as the day to express their love through flowers and gifts...
today it is all about chocolate hearts, all in red or pink, tons of flowers and cards... I have to admit.. I liked getting my bouquet of roses and my chocolates.. but nevertheless... it is just another way for the candy and cards industry to make some good money... :)

thinking about love and what we all are longing for, I just had to look up some of those verses again, the ones that speak about the love God has for us...

His love is not only unfailing, never-ending, faithful, His unending  love is there for us every morning anew, it is not dependent on our "behaviour" or our usefulness, not even on our loyalty or gratitude... it is only dependent on the One who gives it so freely..
it is not just an emotion, as flimsy and beautiful yet fleeting as a snowflake, it is an expression of the character of God... He is LOVE... His love teaches us, picks us up, it holds us close and floods our heart with joy... we are restored by His love, we are sustained by His love, His love is a shelter, always there for us.. His love guides us and carries us.. no matter who we are... He chose to love us.. and He is not going to change His mind..
 it doesn't matter if we are smart, or brave, or timid and weak, if we are a girl or a boy.
if we are pretty or plain, exciting or dull... old or young.. we do not have to worry about losing His attention.. we do not have to try to catch His eye...
His eyes are always on us, His tender hands are holding us.. His ears are always inclined towards us..
We are his heart's desire.. the feast of abundance He has for us will never end.. the delight we can have if we only drink from His river is unending..

We are His VALENTINE..... 

 how do I know all this? He told me... He wrote it down in His love letter to me.. His Word..

He has proven Himself to be Faithful and True..

In him our hearts rejoice, 

   for we trust in his holy name. 

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, 

   even as we put our hope in you.

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, 

   your justice like the great deep. 

O LORD, you preserve both man and beast. 

  How priceless is your unfailing love! 

Both high and low among men 

   find refuge in the shadow of your wings. 

 They feast on the abundance of your house; 

   you give them drink from your river of delights.

...fragile and trampled upon...

I started to cry when my father talked to me when I was 2 years old.. I was a fearful child.. I had not seen him around much and he for sure had not paid much attention to me... but, I think I was just especially fearful and sensitive...

I remember being anxious at night being afraid I hadn't prepared well enough for school .. I was so afraid of some of my teachers I often had stomach cramps I couldn't even sit up straight and I had to spend a lot of time on the couch in the apartment of the Janitor and his wife, who acted as the School nurse...

I was so afraid of my father, that even though I was scared to death of the big huge, in my eyes uncontrollable horses , I would go to my riding lessons... even though that meant more cramps and fear..

when I was 15 I rebelliously had a friend pierce my ears in school... after my father threatened to kick me out of the house I took them out.. and the story goes on...

I am 48 years old now and last week my father turned on the voice that scared me to death when I was a child, telling me he was not happy with my "behaviour"   (SERIOUSLY?????) when asked what he meant he told me it was "believing what my brother said"  ..... wow...

have been going through this book by Beth Moore in my Tuesday afternoon Bible Study .. it is called "So long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend to us" having done a little more than half of it we are concluding that all of us, thanks to God ministering to our souls,  do not have to deal with a lot of those insecurities anymore...

this is true... I know that neither my father's lack of interest nor his abuse have anything to do with my value and worth... neither has the fact that my Ex husband has made me feel inadequate always and finally proved my fear that he didn't really love me to be legitimate by leaving me for someone else... my worth and value is found in Christ and Him alone.. I am a child of the Living God, He considered me worthy enough to lay His life down for me, to die a horrific death on the cross... He loves me, wants to know every detail of my life and is always there for me...

okay... then why, when it comes to men, do I still have this deep insecurity? 

I am drawing near to Him, I am seeking Him, I know Him so much more than ever before.. and yet.. the little 2 year old that was afraid of that man that most definitely didn't really care about her, is still in there... that scared little girl is still trying to find that man that will prove her fears to be wrong.... because he will love her for who she is... he will want to know everything about her and he will never leave her.... 

is it futile ? is it childish and unrealistic ? is it even maybe dangerous? 

not sure... maybe the little girl has to run to Jesus... might it be that the fearful little heart needs to find the security of the Father's embrace? ... don't know where this thought just came from but I have a hunch.... for sure the fragile, trampled upon little soul does not need condemnation or rebuke... not from herself or others... she feels really small and breakable.... she needs the compassion of the One who loves her... good thing He does not let her down.. ever...

...licence to become a parent.....

thinking about "family"..  how God designed it..

starting with the married couple, man and wife... connected by unconditional love and respect, becoming one...
and then, the baby.. , making it a family...
the family, husband / father and wife / mother and the child or children...
by God's design intended to be a safe place to model God's love to the children and to bring them up in the knowledge of the Lord , guide them and nurture them so that they will be able to make an impact in this world for God.. and will know how a family is meant to function...

what a great plan... too bad that we humans just mess it up left, right and centre...
God has given us not only the design but also the guidelines of how to love well, nurture well, discipline well... He is our Father and He does not leave us out there without  instruction, love and the strength to do it..

having spent some very taxing time over the last few years trying to prevent my birth family to go up in flames, having had to live through my own family breaking apart, I am even more convinced that it needs a strong foundation, strength and wisdom from God to have a family that will live up to what it is intended to be....

dealing with the clients at Hope for Life so far, they all are living the nightmare of families that are not intact...  families where children have been abused and tossed out... women and girls that are so craving for the love of a man that they engage in dangerous activity and end up facing such life altering decisions as : will I keep the baby or have an abortion... without any support of the fathers...

children are a gift from the Lord, they have been given to us for safe keeping, they are not our possession... they belong to God... they are coming into the world not by their own choosing but by the choices the parents have made.. they deserve to be treated with respect and with love... they have a right to live...  they have a right to know how much they are loved by their Father in Heaven and this love needs to be portrayed by the earthly parents..

if I could, I would want to make it mandatory to go through in depth counselling, dealing with your own baggage and intense training in parenting before you could have a licence to "Become a Parent"...
SERIOUSLY... in the meantime I am going to continue to try to be a good daughter, a good mother, a good counsellor, and I will try to educate those that are becoming mothers and fathers by leading them to the One who has all the answers and all the help we need...

... impossible WITHOUT God....

another client last night at Hope for Life.. just loving what God is doing, and how He cares so much about us.. the ones that don't know Him and us, the ones that know Him, love Him, want to serve Him and seeking His will for our lives..

I shouldn't be that flabbergasted about how He is at work.. but I am.. I am in awe...

read this story about the little baby that survived without amniotic fluid for almost 20 weeks , when the Drs were expecting him to die for sure..
instead of dying after a day his heartbeat became stronger and stronger and he was delivered healthy at 33 weeks, only his one leg was a little damaged because he had been lying on it all this time..

an Epic meeting this morning... humanly speaking there was no possibility for it to turn out the way it did.
humanly speaking, there was no solution, there was no willingness to compromise.. both sides, because of many old hurts and hardened hearts, because of pride and selfishness, were not really willing to meet half way.. and then.. as the meeting had to come to an end.... there it was, prayers sent up, 2 out of 3 children  trusting Him... there was a compromise ..

again, flabbergasted.. surprised.. in awe of Him, with whom all things are possible.. even when the main players independently and rebelliously are rejecting Him.. He still steps in and does the impossible..

I have come to understand how much He does so that we would know Him more, which leads to us loving and admiring and worshipping Him more..

what love is this.. that He would care enough to do what He did today.. it makes me think of this scripture:
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!... wow, really, after He already gave the biggest gift, His son as a sacrifice for our sins, he continues to give and give and give...
Praising Him today and always...

..Marriage Seminars and Superbowl Parties..

this is a day that will go down in history... it is the day that I will....*drum roll* ..... will go to my first.... *another drumroll*..... Superbowl Party.... yes, it is true, it is also, I think my youngest daughter's first Superbowl party.. then again, she is only 15.... :)
have been inspired by this whole "let's branch out and try new things" spirit I have adapted 2 years ago...

this morning in church I was hit by a wave of sadness,  I guess it happens to all of us...
an announcement of the upcoming marriage seminar made me think of the last one that was run in my church... went there with my then "still husband" and it was a nightmare.. a nightmare because it was like an X-ray showing me just how hopeless and bad my marriage was... no help for us.. funny that it turned out to be that way very soon afterwards... what I didn't know then was that my husband had given his heart to someone else already...  no wonder there was no hope.. duh...

during worship time a beautiful song was sung.. a song that was on the Lullaby CD I had been given for my youngest, now 15 year old daughter.. remember playing that for her and the hopes I had then... hopes  for that child to grow up in a solid Christian home, in a family that would stay intact no matter the conflicts..

so I guess no wonder I was a little subdued and with other stuff distracting me I had some difficulty entering into Worship the way I would usually do... the sermon was great as always.. good thing we are paying our pastor "the big bucks" like he calls it, so that he can make the connection between the food offered to idols then to what we are facing today.. it's what the Lord uses him for :)

hanging around and talking to some of my sisters in Christ afterwards another amazing connection for Hope for Life was brought to my attention and I am once again in awe.. no matter how grey and dull my reality sometimes can be, He is always at work, and.. no matter what others do or not do.. He is always committed to me and His provision not just for me personally but for the girls in  Halton Hills is not only sufficient... it is overwhelmingly generous.. Praise be to Him..

.. children are a gift from the Lord...

... as we grow in our walk with the Lord, it seems that the trials increase, it is almost as if that He knows we can handle it ( and He does know...duh) and He wants to take us to a higher level of trust and faith again and again... as we are getting to know Him more and more,  we trust him and rely on Him, learn about His faithfulness and how much He loves us, our joy increases, even though our circumstances might be tougher..


all that said, I am in this, and I am thankful for the Lord, for His love and His commitment to making me more and more like Him..
today, I could have written a blog post about how difficult it all is, and I didn't want to do this... instead, I started watching old videos of my children..
focusing on my blessings...

after my abortion way back when I was terrified I would not be able to have any more children... my Louisa, born almost 24 years ago was such a blessing from day one.. such a sweet and angel like little Munchkin, what a wonder and blessing she was.. and is..

two and a half years later I remember lying in bed, the night before the scheduled cesarean, worrying if I could love this new baby as much as I loved Louisa... the next day, when I held her in my arms, with her little heart shaped mouth and her ears all rolled in ( seriously ) my heart flooded with a special love for this child... oh my  foolish worries, I didn't know that the capacity of a mother's love is infinite... little Laura has been a delight ever since..



6 more years went by and there was baby number 3... expected with as much anticipation and excitement this little Bekkielein arrived and has brought tremendous joy into my life, oh how I cherish having her home with me, my little independent  girl, love her like crazy...

all 3 are so very different, each of them put together lovingly by the God of the Universe, he knows the numbers of hairs on their heads and He has made them unique and so very special.. each daughter of mine has a specific purpose to fulfill here on this earth, He has called them as His own and has given them His Spirit.. He has given them special talents and gifts, He has knitted them together in my womb, He knows them and He will never leave them or forsake them... He will dry their tears and rejoice with them in the good times.. He has plans for them to prosper them and not to harm them, to give them a hope and a future.. He delights over them with singing and quiets them with His love...
He has given them to me to cherish, nurture and guide.. to bring them up to love the Lord their God with all their hearts and minds and strengths... all my almost 18 years as a Follower of Christ this has been my prayer... and I will never cease praying this for them... that they would love Him passionately, that they would want to please Him and that they would trust Him with all their hearts...

I know that I will spend eternity with them and I am cherishing each moment I have with them now...
they are my joy and my delight.. a gift from the Lord..

... We bought a Zoo.. and the answer to all our questions..

when God made Adam He made Him in His image... male and female He created them... we are made in His image... we are  not made to live in a broken, sinful world, a world  where cancer kills, accidents devastate, violence maims and relationships break..

just spend a very nice and relaxing day with my sister, even watched a movie at the movie theatre.. "We bought a Zoo" definitely a movie that is going to make it into my collection...
heartwarming and a true story... beautiful...

one moment in the movie just made it so clear to me...again.. we are just not made for things to end.. for life to end through  tragic accidents, for health to give way to terminal illness, for childhood to be brought to an abrupt end by abuse.. for relationships that are meant to last a lifetime to be discarded..

in the movie Kelly tells Benjamin "that everything comes to an end"... and it is true... in this world everything will come to an end.. the question is, will the end be a passing on to eternal life with God or to eternal separation from God?

will we be able to come to the place where He will wipe away all out tears... where there will be no more pain, or sadness or fear?
will we finally see Him face to face and will seeing Him make everything make sense, once and for all?????

are you sure you will???  are you really? how can you be sure?
the answers are found in His Book... it's the only reliable source... it's where His followers have found all the answers for all the questions ( I know I have said chocolate was the answer to all questions... not true... sorry) for thousands of years...

just saying'... if you are not sure... check it out.. start with the Gospel of John... book number 4 in the New Testament.. ( which is kind of the second big part of the Bible)  :)

.. I find you on my knees....

this morning I had to get up real early to take my little daughter to the airport to go away for a few days with her Dad.. lucky duck... now, I am sitting at Starbucks ( me the country girl, how exciting) my macbook on my lap, like it is so fitting for a laptop ;) waiting to meet someone for a tea... actually that would be a Soy Tazo Chai for me..
hate traffic and hate snow and cold and yucky...
thankful I do not usually have to get on the road every day to get to work... a leisurely 3 min drive through little Georgetown is my "commute".. very blessed I have to say..
driving on the Highway just now I was listening to the new CD from Kari Jobe, downloaded it from iTunes 3 minutes after it became available... beautiful songs, once again touching my soul..

one should think that after yesterday's "High" I would have been in a great place today,
truth is that the last few days have had me look at some really deep stuff...
giving up my own will, realizing that contentment needs to be found in who God is, His character , His Goodness, His Faithfulness, His Mercy and Love... that I cannot try and make a deal with Him... "I am going to work real hard on being godly and try to make myself think that the grass on my side is as green as the one beyond the fence... and then I will gain what I am wishing for"... foolishness... SERIOUSLY..

contentment includes to be content no matter what He will have for me... to be WITH Him in any circumstance, even the one that has me lonely and longing for companionship every night when I am alone..
I am striving for contentment and godliness which equals great gain... but HE gets to decide how that great gain looks...
giving up my idea of what "great gain" really means... ( a godly, loving and COOL husband) is very hard.. it fills my heart with fear.. realizing that it means I have to embrace whatever pain and suffering is included I want to say "No, thanks"... it's like me trying to forgo having to go to the dentist... which never works... you just end up having real pain.. even more, just a little later.. there.. it is just not working..
really, I am only fooling myself into thinking I had a say... I need to surrender, I need to accept where I am and what my future will hold is in God's hands.. and if I really believe that He is my best friend, the One that loves me perfectly and will never forsake me, what is the big deal?
It is giving up my own will... even if this is only an illusion anyways.. thy will not mine be done.. and resting in it.. accepting that sharing in the suffering of Christ is part of the deal...
 So thankful that Kari puts it like this in her new song:

Trouble chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God I'm looking for your

Weary just won't let me rest

And fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God I'm longing for you

But I will

Find you in the place I'm in

Find you when I'm at my end

Find you when there's

Nothing left of me to offer you

Except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I'm lost and searching

I find you on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith

What if heartache still remains

I'll trust you

My god I'll trust you

'cause you are faithful

And I will

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When  it's hard to heal.

When my faith is shaken

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God I know that you lift me up

You never leave me searching

AMEN

..Life affirming choices and Superheroes....

my great buddy and friend just said I could now get my Super Hero Cape... she obviously is suffering from some form of sleep deprivation or something...
truth is.. today a young woman made a life affirming choice after finding out she was pregnant... circumstances more than tough and still, she decided to carry this baby to term..
I am amazed and I think if anyone should get a Super Hero Cape it would be her..
I am thankful to God for bringing her our way.. for her to see our brochure at a "Help" agency and call... takes guts and I am proud of her..
sounds like her life has been rather hard so far and I am so thankful we can help her along the way..
this is what it is all about and how amazing is God to allow us to come alongside her and support her in any way we can!
was struggling this morning about if I should blog and announce  that so far no one has come to our Young Mom's Drop in... or the Free Prenatal class... felt like a failure, even though I know better..
it takes time to get the word out and we are not some big city with so many pregnant young girls.. thankfully these two classes might not be that needed at this moment... or the ones that need it just haven't heard.. yet.... the Drop in will be there from now on every Tuesday night... the Prenatal class we will just offer again in a couple of months..
so this morning, praying and proclaiming our trust in the Lord and the plan He has for this ministry.. that waiting on Him could be waiting for a long time.... and all that...didn't He just have a surprise for us... AMAZING... the phone rang and there we were...
Praising Him for allowing us to give from the abundance He has blessed us with.. to share His love and care...
oh.. I am still single... yeah... forgot about that.. funny how that goes... many more thoughts on that one.. but that will have to wait.. for now.. we are rejoicing!!!!!!!!!

..shooting the messenger?? NO WAY!!!!

today I had to ask for forgiveness for something I did last week...

last Sunday in church I felt resentful towards my pastor for what I usually, for  almost 14 years now, admire about him so much..

he has gotten so much flak for preaching the Word, the Truth as it is communicated in the scriptures.. I have heard him say many times "I am the messenger, don't get mad at me"

I didn't get mad, but I resented that someone, who clearly didn't know at all what he was talking about, could, like it seemed to me "dismiss" something so easily that I have found so very, very difficult...

truth is, and I knew that all along that in fact he was just doing what he always so faithfully does, he was speaking truth into my life, from God's Word to my heart..

I guess in 14 years nothing has ever touched such a tender spot in me like this topic did..

as he ended the sermon last week with something like "being single is a blessing" I turned around and told my best friend "I am not feeling blessed at all"... * felt like stomping off like a little stubborn 2 year old*

since then, for 7 days now, I have chosen to thank God for my singleness, like I shared in my last blog...

and once again, my God is not disappointing me... once again, taking a step towards Him in obedience is rewarded with Him showing me things I wasn't able to see before...

I am indeed blessed to be single, not only because of the things , so very substantial and important, that my pastor spoke about... things like being able to serve Him more, focus on pleasing Him because I am not distracted by having and wanting to please a spouse... 

it is so much more than this.. truth is, He has been protecting me and will not stop until the time is right... actually he never will stop protecting me, but He is the one that has made sure I am single still, because, truth is, with a teenager who is still struggling so much with the fallout of the divorce, more tears about this again last night, a man and potential stepfather would have complicated an already challenging time.. for her and for me...

He has been protecting me from myself... and I know that full well... somehow I will have to develop more self discipline... have to learn how to hold back and wait for that man God has for me to pursue me and woo me.. not to jump in too early, like it is my habit of doing...

I am not there yet and He knows it.. duh....

this morning, with all my kids and all my doggies in my bed with me, I thanked God that I did not have to worry if a "new husband" would be okay with the way it got a little crowded.... I LOVED it...

last night's Birthday dinner with them was a wonderful treat... again... between the four of us we can just be ourselves and I enjoy this SO much...

so today, after this amazing man of God had preached the truth once again I made sure I went to him and asked him to forgive me for getting "mad" at the messenger... I thanked him for allowing the Lord to use him once again to communicate to me.. it was hard for me to hear, but it was necessary... another step taken on the journey of my life... 

48 years old tomorrow and a little wiser... thanks to a pastor who takes his "job" very seriously and does not shy away from speaking the truth, no matter what kind of response he gets...

.. no more tears...

okay.. so  I didn't like this week's passage, didn't like the fact that I was supposed to feel blessed to be single..SERIOUSLY??? I am supposed to embrace singleness, as I am called to be content in all circumstances... well.. tough.. I have been fighting this tooth and nails for a long time..

at the same time I am feeling blessed, I know me feeling lonely is something that really has not much to do with my circumstances, but more with a longing that has never been fulfilled..  in my marriage or now, literally alone...a longing for a closeness and intimacy, an eternal love and security..

I know that I am blessed because I can serve my Lord without having to worry about pleasing my husband. I am not using up my energy trying to keep the peace in a house full of tension.... I don't have to worry if my husband will be okay with what  I and the children are doing, if we are going to be living up to his expectations..and the list goes on..

I am blessed because I know that He is who He says He is... He is my shelter, He loves me and will never forsake me, I know this better now than I did 3 years ago..

I am blessed because there are so many possibilities and opportunities that were not there before..

and still... the loneliness..

in my little Bible Study group with two VERY special friends this afternoon I read something from
"So long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore... and as I was reading it, it brought tears to my eyes..

" God does not take lightly that some of us were raised in a veritable madhouse. He does not take lightly that some of us have been mentally berated, or physically beaten or sexually abused or simply abandoned.... He knows that it is scary to be us..
Son of David, have mercy on us.. it is almost too much to bear here at times Lord, no wonder we are insecure..
The thunder crashes in the heavens, and the earth grows dark in the middle of the afternoon, and a man, beaten to a bloody pulp, cries from a cross between two thieves, "it is finished!" Because He did, one day God will wipe away every tear from the eyes of those who trusted Him, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will pass away and all our hardship will be finished...

tonite at my Cell group meeting I told my accountability group that this is my action step from this day forward, actually I started it on Sunday already:
I am going to start my day each day from now on by thanking my Lord for my singleness..
I will thank Him for 3 specific things I can think of each day.. I am praying that this over time will change my attitude and allow me to be content..

... you have NO idea...

was reminded of something very significant yesterday... we can never know how something difficult feels until we have experienced it for ourselves... and even then we still might not have any idea, since every situation is different..

during the last 2 years I have had people say things to me that definitely were meant well... and what they said offended me, then I have had self-centred people say stuff to me, comparing their situation to mine when it could not be compared.. making statements about how I should feel... not helpful...

yesterday someone I love very much said something about my situation and all I could think was "you have no idea"....

rather than being upset about this I am choosing to learn a lesson... even when meaning really well, I should never assume I have any idea what the other person is going through... I need to be careful what I say... what kind of advice I am offering... 

my wonderful friend and partner is travelling to Uganda this week... in preparation for this trip her and her husband have asked for prayer that they would do just that.. that they wouldn't assume they could understand what the people they will meet are going through...  they will minister to children that have been forced to be child soldiers, women that have not only lost their husbands in the war but have been raped and tortured.. people without hope..

their prayer is to just communicate the love and the hope of Jesus.. relying on Him to give them the wisdom for when to say what... and when to just offer compassion and support..

I am convinced God is going to use them in a mighty way... as they are willing to serve Him wherever and in whatever way, trusting Him one hundred percent...

what was said yesterday was meant well, but it didn't give me any new or helpful advice.. it made me feel even more alienated...I  am sure I could have easily said the same thing before I ended up where I am today...  I definitely will try very hard never to come across as if I was trivializing other people's pain and struggles... I will try to be sensitive and careful... it's called empathy.. once again relying on Him to help me with that..

..unmarried.. not by choice...

....Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”  But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  I say this as a concession, not as a command.  I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.  But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion....
(1 Corinthians 7:1-9)

this week's passage.. have known this one very well for a very long time..  my situation has changed, and sorry, I have to say it again, but I never thought it would... and so this week so far I have tried to avoid  dwelling on it.. the thing is though I just can't...

always having embraced the teaching in this passage wholeheartedly , the last verse is now what is directed to me.. I am the "unmarried" or even the"widow" in some sense... sucks, is all I can say..

not sure how to reconcile this with the calling to be content in all circumstances, to trust and be obedient no matter what's happening around us.. interesting to see that Paul acknowledged there could be something like a burning passion being too much of a temptation to stand up against.. then again it says we will never be tempted by more than we can handle ... self control, a fruit of the spirit... and still... he says, better get married than to burn with passion and subsequently sin... ha... not that easy..

not a decision to be made by just one... thinking about this, and what I am longing for, a man that loves the Lord like I do, a man that would be the spiritual leader, who I could learn from and who would be as excited about what the Lord is doing as I am, a man that loves me  and cherishes me, accepts me and is willing to stand by me for the rest of our lives here no matter what.. someone able to feel as deeply as I do, someone who knows what forgiveness is and knows how to give it and receive it.. someone who will be good to my children and who will understand my background and will be familiar with the kind of life I have had all along... so this week, getting a little depressed, I wondered what made me think that there will be a man like this... truth is, the only few I know that are like this are committed, married men... and I am rejoicing for them and their wives...  so, I would love to be married so that I would not be tempted, but unless God brings this man into my life it will be just me.....

so really, I need to focus on some other scriptures.. those about obedience, self control and trust... hope.. and focusing on what is eternal, not temporal... living in the temporal my eyes sometimes wander... and then I get sad and hopeless...
so, for all my married friends... live this passage, embrace it, both men and women... lest Satan will tempt you..  and we all know where this leads.. give yourself lovingly to your spouse... after all, it is a great gift, designed by God.. and all that comes from Him is GOOD...

... he has come to steal, kill and destroy...

Salzburg, Austria... this is a picture of the open-air theatre on the front stairs of the Salzburg cathedral... one of the plays that has been performed there during the time of the Salzburg Festival held every summer, since 1920 is the play "Jedermann" ( Everyman) from Hugo von Hofmannsthal...
it must have been in 1990 that I had the privilege to see this play right there with my family..
Jedermann, a rich and stingy man ( like the Scrooge: cold-hearted, tight-fisted and greedy ) who is visited by Death, announcing that he will come and get him soon....I don't remember all the details anymore but what stayed with me was that Jedermann at one point in time sells his soul to the devil in order to have a long and prosperous life.. at the end of his life though he is a miserable, cold hearted man who is tormented by Satan, who owns his soul... before Death finally takes him he has to stand before his Maker and is held accountable for the choices he made in his life.. in the play he repents, makes amends and is forgiven..

remembering that even then I saw the relevance of this "morality play" ... so very relevant .. I guess that's why the main character is called "Everyman"....

Jedermann is a rich guy and confronted with the choice who he will worship, he chooses money / the devil... rather than God..

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money... ( Luke 16:13)

deciding to serve "money" instead of God... not sure if people are even aware they are making that choice.. a need for significance is the driving force behind it.. materialism is just one of the things that play right into this.. if I want more and more and more I eventually find myself in a place where I am deciding against what God in His wisdom has put up as limits and rules....I will end up lying, cheating and betraying because of greed ...

all of that has been happening all around me and what made me think about this today is how sad it is that Satan eventually will come and demand his "payment".. while there might have been many years of bliss because of all that money can buy, eventually and this is a sure thing, Satan will have fun torturing the ones he tricked into serving money, instead of realizing their need for a relationship with God..

to watch a "Jedermann" who had found his identity solely in what he accomplished and owned get old, depressed and empty... the cold heart lonely and shrivelled away... is very, very sad...
praying that for the ones I am thinking of right now there will still be a happy ending.. like in the play, I pray that God would step in and make them take a good look at the decisions they made..
that they would recognize their need for something money cannot buy... something they cannot control or manipulate, something that only requires a contrite and broken spirit, a spirit that acknowledges the need for a Saviour and will accept the gift of forgiveness gladly...
there are no u-hauls behind a hearse... eternal significance is only found in a relationship with God...
not in power, position or possessions...

let's be on guard ... Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour... ( 1 Peter 5:8 )

... filthy rags..

..two full weeks and my 48th year of life will come to an abrupt end.. I will turn 48... pretty old I would say... and the 49th year of my life will begin..
it's the way my Grandmother used to always say it and I thought I am going to share this with you.. :)

48 is almost 50 and I hear that life will really begin once you are turning 50... works for me..
all kidding aside I am so very thankful for where God has me at the end of this my 48th year...

He has given me 3 wonderful daughters, who like I put it today talking about them to a friend, are my most treasured and cherished human beings... then there are my puppies, and you are guessing it, they would be my most cherished and treasured animals.. :D

He has blessed me by filling my life with wonderful friends, brothers and sisters in Christ that bring so much joy to my every day ..  renewed and restored relationships with extended family members, a blessing indeed...

passionate about life and all that it is about He has given me a true purpose..
He has freed me from most of my fears.. ( I am no longer hiding from my dentist, or try to get out of obligations that had me get on a plane...)

most of all I am blessed though to have been walking closely with my best friend for the last almost 18 years.. Jesus , God's son and God Himself, He has been faithful and full of love.. He has gently nudged me and stretched me and transformed me, pointing out weaknesses without condemnation, but with love.. supplying the means for change, He is the One that has to be praised for anything in me that is not as bad as it was before.. because..all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags.. ( Isaiah 64 : 6) ..for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God ( Romans 3: 23)

confronted with a real weakness that has come to the forefront only in the last year or so, I again had to go to Him for the strength to change, for Him to change me, because I am not able to do this on my own..
I am frustrated about myself and was reminded again just how HUGE and unending His love for me is..

the area in Germany I grew up in there is a saying,... it says that a "Swabian" ( someone born in Swabia... ) suddenly becomes wise when turning 40... maybe there is hope for an almost 50 year old uprooted German in Canada... let's see what God is going to do....