.. I find you on my knees....

this morning I had to get up real early to take my little daughter to the airport to go away for a few days with her Dad.. lucky duck... now, I am sitting at Starbucks ( me the country girl, how exciting) my macbook on my lap, like it is so fitting for a laptop ;) waiting to meet someone for a tea... actually that would be a Soy Tazo Chai for me..
hate traffic and hate snow and cold and yucky...
thankful I do not usually have to get on the road every day to get to work... a leisurely 3 min drive through little Georgetown is my "commute".. very blessed I have to say..
driving on the Highway just now I was listening to the new CD from Kari Jobe, downloaded it from iTunes 3 minutes after it became available... beautiful songs, once again touching my soul..

one should think that after yesterday's "High" I would have been in a great place today,
truth is that the last few days have had me look at some really deep stuff...
giving up my own will, realizing that contentment needs to be found in who God is, His character , His Goodness, His Faithfulness, His Mercy and Love... that I cannot try and make a deal with Him... "I am going to work real hard on being godly and try to make myself think that the grass on my side is as green as the one beyond the fence... and then I will gain what I am wishing for"... foolishness... SERIOUSLY..

contentment includes to be content no matter what He will have for me... to be WITH Him in any circumstance, even the one that has me lonely and longing for companionship every night when I am alone..
I am striving for contentment and godliness which equals great gain... but HE gets to decide how that great gain looks...
giving up my idea of what "great gain" really means... ( a godly, loving and COOL husband) is very hard.. it fills my heart with fear.. realizing that it means I have to embrace whatever pain and suffering is included I want to say "No, thanks"... it's like me trying to forgo having to go to the dentist... which never works... you just end up having real pain.. even more, just a little later.. there.. it is just not working..
really, I am only fooling myself into thinking I had a say... I need to surrender, I need to accept where I am and what my future will hold is in God's hands.. and if I really believe that He is my best friend, the One that loves me perfectly and will never forsake me, what is the big deal?
It is giving up my own will... even if this is only an illusion anyways.. thy will not mine be done.. and resting in it.. accepting that sharing in the suffering of Christ is part of the deal...
 So thankful that Kari puts it like this in her new song:

Trouble chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God I'm looking for your

Weary just won't let me rest

And fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God I'm longing for you

But I will

Find you in the place I'm in

Find you when I'm at my end

Find you when there's

Nothing left of me to offer you

Except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I'm lost and searching

I find you on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith

What if heartache still remains

I'll trust you

My god I'll trust you

'cause you are faithful

And I will

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When  it's hard to heal.

When my faith is shaken

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God I know that you lift me up

You never leave me searching

AMEN