tonite... one year exactly after the night that he left the house around midnight... , sending an e-mail 2 days later saying he indeed would NOT come back ever again....
so tonite... like the last little while and the rest of the year basically is full of things that are not the way they are "supposed"to be...
... but then again... who promised anything was ever going to be the way it was supposed to be????
I definitely never pictured it to be that way... I would lie if I said that I am not sad.... I am much better than a year ago but I am still sad...
I figured something out....
..when I had my first baby and ended up having a C-Section it took me a VERY long time to get over the fact that someone had just randomly decided to cut my tummy open and take my child out that way... I was fully aware that my little baby and I would probably have died otherwise but still ..... it bothered me...
Now... what I have the trouble with in this situation ( and there are so many more layers obviously...) is that someone just decided to break up something that was not supposed to be broken apart... like my tummy was not supposed to be cut open..... it's violent, it damages and hurts and it leaves scars....
It takes a long time to heal.... 4 - 6 weeks for the C-Section, to be without pain.... over a year for sure for this "surgery".... the pain is not constant anymore... but there are times, like the scar of my C-sections hurts when the weather changes.... when it still hurts.... and I have not gotten my head around it.... it is just not supposed to be like this.
A wonderful new friend send me a great song as a reminder today....it goes something like that:
You are my hiding place,
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance.
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.
I will trust in You.
Let the weak say I am strong in the strength of my Lord.
I will trust in YOU
.. so tonite.. as I am sitting in my home... all alone and sad.... I am finding comfort knowing that He indeed is my Hiding Place... and I am strong in the strength of the Lord... He is holding me in His arms of love.. never to let go... never deciding to dismiss or abandon ..... He is not like that... so I will trust in Him....
..and... because of that.... as I am held in the arms of my father.... my prayer for all involved is to feel the love that I am experiencing right now... letting go of the hurt.... in obedience..... filled with love, His love... for all...... leaving justice once again in the only capable hands.. His....
