I'm Waiting On You Lord

Your Hands with Lyrics JJ Heller

...beauty in the turmoil... ...Because of the LORD's great love... we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22 23) Sometimes this "feels" so true, it makes me get up, full of energy and passion, ready to serve and trust...let His Glory shine forth through my imperfections and cracks... other days, it's all I can do not to hide under my covers and cry, pleading with my Lord to give me the strength to be the mother and friend I need to be..But His Compassion never fails, and that is TRUE, no matter what the start of my day looks like. 6 months have gone by since that devastating day, when life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. The Lord's faithfulness is what has allowed me to keep going..only, it seems, for a new hit to come my way, this time through another person that was supposed to be someone I could count on... my own mother. In an effort to work on our relationship that had grown pretty strained since I became a Christian and had withdrawn from all the common behaviors in my family... gossip, negativity, aggression, unforgiveness,... I was sitting right next to her at a family dinner..when she told me that she thought it served me right that my husband had cheated on me and left me... I was stunned. It felt like I had just ran full force into a concrete wall...she continued to spew hatred at me for a little bit while I was trying to stay composed and not let my children clue into what was going on... Long story short... not only did I not have a husband anymore, I officially did not have a mother anymore either. My father had been abusive and using and betraying me for a long time, so, even though I had forgiven him a long time ago, he was not a father to me... It seemed that God was removing one person after another from my life that I was finding some kind of security in...was it to find my security, hope, future and purpose in Him alone????????? Could this be the purpose of Him allowing any trials in our lives? We can be sure that God is the one allowing trials of any kind in our lives, He is allowing them because they will ultimately benefit us... refine us, make us more like Him... we can refuse to let Him teach us and try to get away from under the pressure He is applying ... we could get injured and hurt by resisting the Lord to make us more holy, less selfish and self sufficient..if we become unforgiving and bitter and because of that others will be hurt as well...  So understanding that a loving and caring God is leading us through the difficult times for our good should help...shouldn't it? Walking through difficulties is after all one of the most common activities of a Christian...Jesus Himself told us: "in this world you will have troubles, but I have overcome the world"...Paul is telling the Corinthians: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal".. (2. Cor 4:17 18).  It's a no brainer, right??? When He first saved us, lifted us up, flooded our hearts with His unfailing love and it seemed to good to be true... we were sure we would never question, doubt or feel we just couldn't go on anymore. As we grew in our faith, got to know the Lord better drawing close to Him and He was drawing closer to us, He slowly taught us to understand the truth of our purpose for being here..because we are His children He is constantly at work in our hearts, refining us by allowing the heat to rise, bring the sin and imperfections to the surface, only for them to be broken off of us...( that process is painful as well..) the result is someone who knows who he or she is in Christ, someone who is relying on Him only, someone who stands with her or his arms wide open, inviting whatever God has for her ( I am talking about myself... sorry...) to come her way, no self defense necessary.. because she trusts Him... and that doesn't mean that when the next blow hits her she will not at first be shocked again... but hopefully the refining has left her in a place where His beauty will be visible to those around her... Trusting Him, every second of every day!!!!!!!!!!

Beauty from Ashes...are we coming any closer??? ... Patience,... . it's a virtue... .part of the fruit of the Spirit, highly priced and even harder to obtain...I have not been born with a patient spirit, but over the last 16 years the Lord has been PATIENT with me, and has been allowing me to become more like Him even in this regard... this was during "normal" trial times... ... ..when the earth shattering, life altering, devastating blow was administered to me... ..patience and trust went out the window in a second... This needed to stop, this feeling of worthlessness, deepest hurt and loss needed to be taken care of, as soon as possible, and when I came out of my first shock, that's what I was all about... Replacing the void left by the man who had promised to cherish me and lay his life down for me daily, (with another man I hardly knew... how foolish) taking the steps necessary to move on (well known to me, as I have been counseling women for many years - "forgiveness" ) and dealing with it by establishing the "New Normal" TODAY... (signing a lease agreement for a house, 1 1/2 months after the break up) ... Patience I was lacking, but what was lacking even more than patience was TRUST... . Oh Lord, forgive me for "taking things into my own hands" only because my husband and I hadn't been able to figure out what it meant to have a good marriage, only because he, who isn't even a child of yours made a wrong decision...I thank you for forgiving me for my lack of faith and perseverance ... Lord, forgive me for questioning your faithfulness and love..put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. ( Psalm 130:7) I was shaken to the core and shockingly to me I lost sight, even if only for a while, of WHO I have in heaven...who is on my side, who is the One who carries me when the going gets tough... Lord, I needed to repent for putting my trust in people, a house and "steps to take"... I thank you for not letting go of me even as I was trying to run away from you... It took a sermon, a Adult Learning Committee meeting at my church, the prospect of being able to help others to help work through what I am going through at the moment, a connection with another ministry opportunity that the Lord had been putting on my heart for the last few years and bringing 3 ladies into my life in a matter of 2 days that I even now was able to convey God's comfort and love to... ..Isn't our God an amazing orchestrator of events? Today my prayer is a cry to my Lord, telling Him I need Him... over and over again, often that is all I can say, when the sadness, the loneliness and the pain overwhelm me, He has taught me one thing, on a much deeper level then ever before... the fact that I am fully dependent on Him, I am desperate for Him, that I need to surrender and trust Him for leading me through the time of trial, the time that the Lord allows in my life to refine me, to teach me and discipline me, to make me a little more like Him... to use me better, let His light shine through me and bless those He will gather around me... Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:7-11) I am your daughter, what a blessing it is to be sure of that fact because you care enough to allow me to go through hardship and trial... and today I am sure once again of this: But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. Job 23:10 Praise the Lord oh my soul, He who crowns me with love and compassion, and satisfies my desires with good things ( I took the liberty of putting a few verses of Psalm 103 in a different order...)

Beauty from Ashes continued

... Making it through the days was hard, never has anything been harder before, but I was being showered in scriptures that spoke about the unfailing love that God has for us : Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14, May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22, Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. Psalm 31:16... . there are many more and I clung to them and read them to my girls... then, I knew my husband was traveling to Germany to be with my cousin, and the thought of the betrayal was killing me...I took my eyes of Jesus and joined a Christian Dating site, not even 2 weeks after my husband left.. I felt I needed to see if there was ever in the future a man out there for me, just wanted to look... it seemed encouraging to see that there indeed were Christian men out there looking for a godly woman...I decided to get off the site, because that was all I wanted.. right????? I did, but only archived it, so I was able to go back on any day.. this was not a good thing. I know was periodically logging on to see if there was anyone interesting, so far I had ignored all attempts from men to talk to me.. I knew this was far too early. My birthday came , a little over a months after my husband left and this was going to be a very hard day.My girls did a wonderful job of making me fell very loved throughout the day. My oldest daughter and my wonderful friend planned a birthday party for me and 35 women from my church, that all loved me and who I loved came out that night and made the day the most special day I ever had... they all gave me a rose with some scripture or encouragement attached, all the roses together made a "bouquet of encouragement"... and each one of them gave me a coupon for some time spend with me doing something special... I felt surrounded by Christ's unfailing love that night when my girls and my closest friends read scripture to me and they all prayed over me...what a wonderful way to communicate love... I was blessed...A day later.. alone again and confronted with my "New Reality" I found myself online again... and there it was, someone IM me... for some reason I responded this time and met a man, who lived about 20 min away and had some friends I knew, many different connections that made this all of a sudden feel right...maybe even from God??? I was not really asking Him though, because deep inside, as I know now, I had stopped trusting Him and had started to take matters in my own hands.. ( we all know what kind of disaster usually follows when we think we can just lean on our own understanding...only fools do that... or people whose trust in God had been shaken to the core without her even realizing it).
I am sparing you the details of me getting romantically involved.. let me just tell you, the "taking the eyes of Jesus" thing is was happening and it was not a good thing. It was exciting, very exciting at first and it seemed to be what I really needed, a man showing his interest, expressing appreciation and affection... wow, I was sooooo starved for that because this had not been part of my life for so many many years. As it could have been expected, this relationship didn't last much longer than 2 1/2
months and left me once again sad... but now I didn't even feel I could run to God, because, hadn't I ignored Him and taken my eyes of Him? I had been disobedient and now the guilt of this was keeping me isolated. Not many of my friends knew about my involvement either.. I had even kept it from my mentor and counselor, because I knew she would have not approved..
Good Friday came and I broke down, I needed to confess and be forgiven.. at the same time my cousin came into town and was visiting with my husband, who was then living with his parents...everything was so broken and so complicated..the kids were having a horrible time, their father ditching them twice on the weekend for the new woman and little child in his life...lot's of tears that weekend..On the Tuesday I finally told my mentor about my relationship  and finally was able to receive God's forgiveness... I went home that day and spent many hours in the scriptures and in prayer and felt an urge so strong, I couldn't hold back. I went before the Lord and forgave both my husband and my cousin for all the things their betrayal meant for us, letting them off the hook and accepting the consequences of their sin... no longer holding it against them.. I had done this for my husband throughout, but never to that degree and also never for my cousin... ...to be continued... .

Beauty from Ashes??? He is in total control, the Sovereign God, the Creator of the Universe... "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted... . Job 42:2... .or before, as God challenges Job, Who has a claim against me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to me... Job 41:11 He loves me. He chose me before the beginning of time... He asked me to abide in Him, to be obedient and He promised to be my shelter, my father, my Rock, my deliverer... So how then did He seem so far, so disinterested, so uncaring? I had tried to be obedient, to accept suffering, I had confessed and my heart was changed, I was committed to my marriage, even though life with my husband had been painful, complicated, full of criticism, verbal and emotional abuse.. He had opened my eyes how I had given up on my marriage an retreated... built my own defense mechanisms...I repented, I loved my husband with no conditions, honoring came easily, respecting him, even though he had not changed, but God had opened my eyes, I could see my husband with God's eyes..and I was soooo excited, so full of hope, so close, walking with my Saviour.. Then the first blow...my husband telling me he didn't love me anymore... how, God, why now, God... there had to be a reason, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God wouldn't just do this to me, change my heart and for it to be too late... I was going to show him how I had changed, I was going to love him and convince him that the changes were real. He declared he wasn't sure if he believed anymore either..this was a spiritual battle for his soul.. that's why God had changed my heart , to love him with the unconditional love that only comes from God... Things were tough, but I kept praying and trusting... when asked if there was another woman he always said no, so I prayed and asked God to help me to trust and not be suspicious, but also to bring to light what was hidden in the darkness... 6 weeks into the ordeal I woke up one morning and felt the urge to try to get into my cousins e-mail account... I got on, and there was the proof... they were having an affair...on my way to the church, to see my mentor and my pastor I screamed so loud, like an animal that had been hit by a car... . hurt beyond comprehension, shocked and terrified... we prayed, again, willing to do what is right. I called him and asked him to come home to talk about this. I asked him to decide, break up or leave...I had already forgiven him and was willing to trust again, he chose to stay...the best 2 1/2 half months of our relationship came and went...God was so good, He was blessing us... but then things started to feel weird again, my husband became more distant...again... and one week before Christmas he just left..he had never broken up with my cousin, they continued to communicate... He tossed me and the girls aside like garbage... When he e-mailed me to break up with me I was alone at home...just my little puppies were there with me... .. and again I screamed... and rolled on the floor, my dogs were so scared...I called my mentor and when the kids came home I told them... I know that only by God's grace were we able to make ot through the next week, through Christmas... . God was surrounding us with friends, bringing food, presents, going grocery shopping, cleaning and reading scriptures to me and praying with us... these first 2 weeks are a blur, a fog... my eyes still get teary when I think about it... how was this what God could have in mind...how was this His best, for me, for my daughters... ... ... . to be continued