...fragile and trampled upon...

I started to cry when my father talked to me when I was 2 years old.. I was a fearful child.. I had not seen him around much and he for sure had not paid much attention to me... but, I think I was just especially fearful and sensitive...

I remember being anxious at night being afraid I hadn't prepared well enough for school .. I was so afraid of some of my teachers I often had stomach cramps I couldn't even sit up straight and I had to spend a lot of time on the couch in the apartment of the Janitor and his wife, who acted as the School nurse...

I was so afraid of my father, that even though I was scared to death of the big huge, in my eyes uncontrollable horses , I would go to my riding lessons... even though that meant more cramps and fear..

when I was 15 I rebelliously had a friend pierce my ears in school... after my father threatened to kick me out of the house I took them out.. and the story goes on...

I am 48 years old now and last week my father turned on the voice that scared me to death when I was a child, telling me he was not happy with my "behaviour"   (SERIOUSLY?????) when asked what he meant he told me it was "believing what my brother said"  ..... wow...

have been going through this book by Beth Moore in my Tuesday afternoon Bible Study .. it is called "So long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend to us" having done a little more than half of it we are concluding that all of us, thanks to God ministering to our souls,  do not have to deal with a lot of those insecurities anymore...

this is true... I know that neither my father's lack of interest nor his abuse have anything to do with my value and worth... neither has the fact that my Ex husband has made me feel inadequate always and finally proved my fear that he didn't really love me to be legitimate by leaving me for someone else... my worth and value is found in Christ and Him alone.. I am a child of the Living God, He considered me worthy enough to lay His life down for me, to die a horrific death on the cross... He loves me, wants to know every detail of my life and is always there for me...

okay... then why, when it comes to men, do I still have this deep insecurity? 

I am drawing near to Him, I am seeking Him, I know Him so much more than ever before.. and yet.. the little 2 year old that was afraid of that man that most definitely didn't really care about her, is still in there... that scared little girl is still trying to find that man that will prove her fears to be wrong.... because he will love her for who she is... he will want to know everything about her and he will never leave her.... 

is it futile ? is it childish and unrealistic ? is it even maybe dangerous? 

not sure... maybe the little girl has to run to Jesus... might it be that the fearful little heart needs to find the security of the Father's embrace? ... don't know where this thought just came from but I have a hunch.... for sure the fragile, trampled upon little soul does not need condemnation or rebuke... not from herself or others... she feels really small and breakable.... she needs the compassion of the One who loves her... good thing He does not let her down.. ever...