.. no more tears...

okay.. so  I didn't like this week's passage, didn't like the fact that I was supposed to feel blessed to be single..SERIOUSLY??? I am supposed to embrace singleness, as I am called to be content in all circumstances... well.. tough.. I have been fighting this tooth and nails for a long time..

at the same time I am feeling blessed, I know me feeling lonely is something that really has not much to do with my circumstances, but more with a longing that has never been fulfilled..  in my marriage or now, literally alone...a longing for a closeness and intimacy, an eternal love and security..

I know that I am blessed because I can serve my Lord without having to worry about pleasing my husband. I am not using up my energy trying to keep the peace in a house full of tension.... I don't have to worry if my husband will be okay with what  I and the children are doing, if we are going to be living up to his expectations..and the list goes on..

I am blessed because I know that He is who He says He is... He is my shelter, He loves me and will never forsake me, I know this better now than I did 3 years ago..

I am blessed because there are so many possibilities and opportunities that were not there before..

and still... the loneliness..

in my little Bible Study group with two VERY special friends this afternoon I read something from
"So long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore... and as I was reading it, it brought tears to my eyes..

" God does not take lightly that some of us were raised in a veritable madhouse. He does not take lightly that some of us have been mentally berated, or physically beaten or sexually abused or simply abandoned.... He knows that it is scary to be us..
Son of David, have mercy on us.. it is almost too much to bear here at times Lord, no wonder we are insecure..
The thunder crashes in the heavens, and the earth grows dark in the middle of the afternoon, and a man, beaten to a bloody pulp, cries from a cross between two thieves, "it is finished!" Because He did, one day God will wipe away every tear from the eyes of those who trusted Him, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will pass away and all our hardship will be finished...

tonite at my Cell group meeting I told my accountability group that this is my action step from this day forward, actually I started it on Sunday already:
I am going to start my day each day from now on by thanking my Lord for my singleness..
I will thank Him for 3 specific things I can think of each day.. I am praying that this over time will change my attitude and allow me to be content..