...after another hospital visit....Agape love...

love... feelings of affection, connection, deep understanding, closeness, a willingness to do anything to help the other.... patience in relating, forgiving wrongs, a "bonus" the other can never use up.. deepest caring, wanting to share time, experiences, a longing to make the other happy, rejoicing with one another, compassion for the other....
coming back from another few hours with my mom, I am trying to express what those feelings of love I have for her are really all about...
sneaking into her bed at night, when she was still up doing stuff... just because it smelled like her and feeling so loved and protected... waking up from my 2nd C-Section after being put under , confused and scared, I called out for her.... apart from me she is the biggest fan of my kids, I am always excited to share their cute moments with her... the one I came to for advise on how to be a mother, the one I trust to tell me if an outfit looks good on me...

love... letting go of hurt feelings, deep, deep hurts, because she IS my mother and I love her...
I am an intense person and when I love I love.... this feeling usually is too hard to contain... it bursts out of me... looking at my mother for hours, the way she is breathing through that tube...  her hair brushed back and her hands and arms... well really her whole body all poked and bruised, makes me all choked up and  feeling such compassion I don't really know how to contain it...

these feelings of sadness I was speaking about earlier are because I am not able to take away the pain...
telling her how much I love her and using words of endearment I really only use for my children, because no matter how old they are the will always be my little "Mausis".... is all I can do.. feeling such motherly feelings for my mother now, mixed with the gratitude and love I have for her for being my mother...

the last 10-12 years of our relationship were harder but the years before were wonderful and close... I have not forgotten , could never forget how much I love this woman.... studying her face for so many hours, afraid that this was the last time I would see her at first .... I thank the Lord for giving us the ability to love, for a mother like mine to be a good and caring mother, to teach me how to be a mom, what a wonderful blessing.... I am praying that when she gets better that we will be able to establish our relationship on a much deeper level than it even was 10 years ago... my prayer is for her to finally experience the love the Father has for her, that she could soak it in and let go of all bitterness and anger... that I could minister to her wounded heart and love her with the love Jesus has for her.... like putting ointment on her soul like I did on her dry lips today.... smoothing over the rough spots.....
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres.... I learned to love my husband this way,  when he had had an affair for a year already.... it was too late .... I knew that God was not a mean guy... there had to be a reason he taught me when he taught me, even though it didn't change anything for our marriage.... maybe this time I can use this love, the AGAPE love on someone, and this time it is not too late.... wouldn't it be wonderful.....

..@ hospital day 4

... another day in beautiful, sunny Celerina, Switzerland, ... already spend 4 1/2 hours in the ICU of the "Oberengadiner Spital" the little hospital outfitted with Swiss precision and perfectionism... and thank the Lord for that... technology and science are quite amazing... a little hospital, with a total of 10 beds in the ICU, there have only been 2 patients the whole time we have been there, my mother and one man in the next room.... very competent nurses and doctors have made this experience as good as something like this can be for us....
talking to the Dr in charge this afternoon he stated that where my mother is today is the best possible state of recovery she could be in right now, when he painted best case scenario for us on Tuesday, when worst case scenario would have been that she wasn't going to make the night, where she is today was exactly what he said... no set backs and a little itty bit of improvement each day.... he keeps on stressing that patience will be needed and that recovering from a septic shock will take a very long time...
best prognosis is now that she might have to stay in ICU for another 4 days... if all continues to work out and no secondary infection occurs....
while being with my mom she again was coming up a bit out of her sedation, lifting up her arms and "fighting" against all the tubes ... so far this has never failed to bring tears to my eyes, she obviously is scared, in pain and has no idea what is going on, holding her arms and telling her all will be fine is all we can do.... one of those moments today she looked at me and I am sure she saw me...
patience... it is hard, now that the fear of losing her has pretty much left me I so want to be able to communicate and know that she understands... we are always talking to her and are holding her hands, and I am sure on some subconscious level she knows we are there... but it will be so amazing to look her in the eyes and connect on that level again...
the extent of stress this week has brought, is wearing all of us down.... I am so thankful for how the Lord has been with us and has been at work in my mother... I am not sure how I could have made it without Him, He is the One who gives me strength ... so yes, I have been strong and at peace....
but, if I have learned anything through the last 18 months going through the break up of my marriage, it is that yes, because of Him, I am strong , but that at the same time I am also broken, sad, in pain..... real feelings... I am not immune to those, I can function and deal with them better, but they are still all there...
that's when I need the time alone for me to recharge and find the comfort in my best friend... the lover of my soul.....
when I am resting my head against His shoulder ( and it is a very soft shirt material that I can feel against my cheek.. yes, that's how real it is) and His arms are holding me, the tension flows away, the burdens are lifted and new hope and strength fills my heart..... I am in desperate need of some me and Jesus time right now.... so grateful that He always has time for me.....

..@ hospital.. day 3

.. Praise the LORD, O my soul; 

   all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 

 Praise the LORD, O my soul, 

   and forget not all his benefits— 

 who forgives all your sins 

   and heals all your diseases, 

 who redeems your life from the pit 

   and crowns you with love and compassion, 

 who satisfies your desires with good things 

   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

 Psalm 103... this is what I have been praying over and for my Mama for the last few days....

God has blessed us with such peace about her and all that is going on... but still, today's surgery we were warned would again take her back to where she was Monday, in critical condition, with a whole set of new complications that could arise.....  waiting after seeing her only for a short while this morning to hear  from the Dr. 4 hours later turned out to be quite okay.. blown away by the peace that passes all understanding...

..a little afraid of how she would be when we were allowed back in the ICU..  relieved and amazed by how well she looked , taken off the NorAdrenalin she had been on since Monday, her blood pressure stable by itself for the first time... unbelievable...still sedated.. still a very long potentially scary road to recovery but so far each day, even today has brought better news...

the fact that through the unfortunate and life threatening event that happened on Monday a tumor was found is a miracle, praise be to God, the fact that even though this was an occurrence with a 20-30% mortality rate ( bigger the older you are) each day has been better than the one before, miracle... spending time together in a crisis like this.. getting along and having meaningful and constructive talks... huge miracle... 

life for our family will drastically change... this event has now officially made us the "Sandwich generation", my brother, my sister and I, taking care of our aging parents will definitely become a significant part of our lives, while we are still parenting our children... ( we are the "Ham" in the middle ..get it?)

another amazing blessing is the closeness I have found with my dear sister, a work the Lord had already begun a while ago, praying together all night sitting by your very sick mother forms a bond much stronger than 46 years being sisters did... 

I praise you, oh Lord, you are unbelievably AMAZING... who are we that you are mindful of us?

entrusting my mother's physical and spiritual health to you is not a very hard thing to do... it is a privilege and a blessing to know that this is what you want from me.... Your love is amazing....

@ the hospital day 2

I love my mother... I love her very, very much... to spend hours at her bed side, her looking so helpless, so fragile, so many machines and tubes and sounds and lights and.... it tends to put things into perspective...
yes, she might have been controlling, manipulative, negative, bitter and sometimes tooooo easily angered... she was not there for me when I had to go through the most horrible time in my life... but who cares?
She is my mother... and I love her... tears continue to come, anytime I look at her, when she , totally sedated and confused fights the nurse when doing things, seeing her facial expressions of fear and pain, it breaks my heart and I am feeling the over-protective unconditional love one has for her children... I would like to crawl up on her bed and hold her and take away any pain, happily suffering it for her... if only I could... today, she has been a lot more stable, no fever anymore, some functions becoming more normal with less meds... when spending 4 hours with her early this morning, I recited scripture, prayed and sang to  her, all the german lullabies I have been singing to my kids over the years... stroking her hair, holding her hand and kissing her precious face...
I am at peace, my Abba Father is holding me, I am leaning my head on His shoulder... in the place where it fits perfectly and I am feeling His warmth and love flowing into me... He has givien me His hope for my mother.... and even though tomorrow's surgery will mean more potential complications and for sure a set back... I am trusting Him... with all my heart, soul and mind...
on top of all that I have had the most wonderful talks with my brother... open like never before to hearing me...not debating the validity of my faith but telling Him about His loving Father in Heaven...
there is, again, and it shouldn't surprise us, beauty in the turmoil....
I praise you my faithful God!! SOLI DEO GLORIA

.. hospital visit # 1 please pray....

...driving first up and then down the Julier Pass, 2200m above sea level, after having been on 2 plane rides, one from Toronto to Munich, then on to Zuerich, so nauseous and dizzy, we finally drove through the round about that takes us to the little town Celerina where my parents live in the Winter... made me think that exactly 24 hours before I had driven through another round about on my way to the Center in Cambridge... right about there is where I received a text message from my brother.. “Mother in hospital with excruciating stomach pain”... little did I know then that  24 hours later I was going to be only a few minutes away from visiting my mother in the ICU ...
the good news was that she had survived the surgery to deal with a perforated  / burst intestine... “cleaning” out the abdominal cavity, her body going into shock because of the onslaught of germs and other horrible stuff.... a big tumor cut out of her intestine and a big piece of it too, a stoma put in place and the incision kept open for “2nd look” surgery, to clean out her intestines again in 3 days.... on the respirator to help her breath, on  about 7 IV’s with different meds... a feeding tube through the nose to motivate the intestines to start working again, by feeding her tea.... flooding her body with fluids to keep the organs dealing with the over reacting immune system functioning as well as they can...
my mother in a sedated state, not “awake”, just lying there....
thankful she has made it that far, and scared out of my mind to see her like this... fighting tears as I am taking her hand, I told everyone we had to pray... and so we did... I have been praying consistently since I heard... many others have and I am eternally thankful for that...
the doctors are doing an amazing job and science and technology are mind boggling...
recovering from a trauma like this for a 70 year old body still seems too big a mountain... too many things can go wrong, so many things have to go right... this is going to change my mother’s life forever, the next weeks, months potentially nightmarish to say the least...
in the light of such circumstances, dysfunction and family trouble take their deserved back seat... here we are, my brother, my sister and my father, all gathered around my mother just lying there....
..if I was not a child of the Great Physician, the Creator of the exact body that just suffered such trauma, the Sovereign God... I would have to go crazy with fear and anxiety.... and, I am not saying I am not scared, I am, but... I continue to go to the throne of the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, I recite to Him His promises and I claim them for my mother... He is the one who is in control, He is the only one who can heal her...
so I am choosing to trust Him because He is trustworthy... I know He has the best in mind for all of us...
belonging to the Kingdom of God I am blessed to be surrounded by my family of God, people that care enough to comment on facebook and telling me they are praying, to text and ask for updates... once again it is proven to be true, the bond we have is deeper than anything... it binds us together in love for each other, it spurns us on to encourage one another, to rejoice together, to mourn together and to pray together...
please keep on praying.... she is far from being out of the woods.... but He is with her, so she is in very good hands...
Love you all!!!!!

.... what is truth??????

living in this world, even in churches that are made up of born again believers, sin still remains part of the make-up. there is gossip, unforgiveness, jealousy, envy, even lies....
through all my life I have always been bothered by lies the most... realizing that sometimes liars believe their own lies to be the truth, loosing sight of what truth / reality is... sometimes it is just that everyone sees the truth from their point of view... trying to accept this I think is what has led today's world to say there is no ultimate truth... as a Christian, believing what theBible says, I do not agree with that.
there always is truth,  no matter how distorted it gets by being filtered through our own experiences, hang ups and issues...

this is what the Webster's Dictionary from 1828 says truth is:
Conformity to fact or reality; exact accordance with that which is, or has been, or shall be. The truth of history constitutes its whole value. We rely on the truth of the scriptural prophecies.
Conformity of words to thoughts, which is called moral truth.
Veracity; purity from falsehood; practice of speaking truth; habitual disposition to speak truth; as when we say, a man is a man of truth.
Correct opinion. Fidelity; constancy. Honesty; virtue. Sincerity The truth of God, is his veracity and faithfulness. Ps.71.
Jesus Christ is called the truth. John 14. To do truth, is to practice what God commands. John 3.

isn't it interesting that a dictionary in 1828 would have used the Bible as a reference to explain what truth is? This is what the Bible says...

John 1:14, 16, 17 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.  For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
John 8: 31+32  If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
John 14:6,7,15-17 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” “If you love me, keep my commands.  And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—  the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.

so, lying... considering there is a lie at the source of every sin, this is serious... lying could also be telling half truths, sharing only part of what happened, keeping things that would allow others to understand the full truth hidden...
as Christians, we are called to do everything we can to find out the whole truth, without jumping to conclusions and gossiping about it, .. this might be very hard, go against our feelings, but we cannot just see one side and let that cloud our judgement... there is only one that will benefit from this, and we do not want to help him now, do we?

... hope.. is it for real?

...hope... a four letter word... so important to have in any circumstance.... let's see what the dictionary says it means:
to expect with confidence , to cherish a desire with anticipation
to wish for, to expect, but without certainty of the fulfillment; to desire very much, but with no real assurance of getting your desire.
in Scripture, according to the Hebrew and Greek words translated by the word “hope” and according to the biblical usage, hope is an indication of certainty.

“Hope” in Scripture means “a strong and confident expectation.” Though archaic today in modern terms, hope is similar to trust and a confident expectation.
Hope may refer to the activity of hoping, or to the object hoped for—the content of one’s hope. By its very nature, hope stresses two things:  futurity, and invisibility. It deals with things we can’t see or haven’t received or both .
..growing up hoping for a good outcome sometimes seemed to have to do something with someone crossing their fingers for you... actually in german you "press your thumbs"  ..closing your fingers around your thumbs and squeezing them.... hilarious... and how did we think this was going to make any difference...
hope for a better outcome is what gives us the courage to keep on going when the going get's tough but really, what is our hope based on?  it really is only based on the possibility that things can go either way... nice and dandy but really nothing too concrete.. not really helping...
in scripture, God's Word spoken to us, the source of my hope is clear...my hope is in the Creator of the Universe, my hope is in how powerful He is, it is in His goodness, His love, His mercy, His understanding and in His grace.. so really in Who He is...

Romans 5:3-5 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Psalm 25:3 No one whose hope is in you  will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future...

the Bible is full of so many promises that give us hope, it tells us where our hope comes from and who God is... I can know all this not only in my head but also in my heart.... I am not relying on some magical thumb squeezing but on the One I have this eternal relationship with, the One that has not only sent His own Son to die for me but has also revealed Himself and His plan to me in His Word...
it can't get any better than that....

...unexpected punches out of nowhere...

.. it's like an earthquake, shaking up what was presumed to be peaceful, solid ground... coming out of nowhere,  leaving me curled up on my bed.. falling asleep with tears flowing, whimpering like a wounded animal... AGAIN.... drifting away as a measure of escape...
u'd think someone my age would know herself a bit better... what is it about the break up of a family that continues to allow punches to hit so totally unexpectedly..
waking up with the sick feeling in my stomach.. knowing that another consequence has come up that needs to be lived through, oh....to be able to escape...
connecting with a friend this morning one thing we shared was that maturing and "growing up" comes with understanding and accepting that there are things we just have to face, as something that just "is what it is"... and that as much as we would like to change it we have to be courageous and make the best out of it, not necessarily for ourselves but for others, like our own children...
so today... I wish it was over... I wish it would finally be done .. I wish I wasn't knocked out like that anymore... and as much as I know that nothing will be able to shake me, or destroy me, because my house is build on the solid Rock,  still,  fifteen months later I so would wish  the punches in the stomach would stop....
I was planning to meet with another friend today, then work on some stuff for the center, instead I was debilitated , trying to regain my equilibrium, getting together the courage to continue on the path that has become mine... trusting Him for the strength to get up from my bed, wipe the tears off my face and keep on keeping on... one minute at a time..
the question I have is:  Will it end?

... pouring out my brokenness.....

... sometimes I wish I  lived when Jesus was walking this earth, I would have wanted to be Mary, sitting by His feet and listening to what He had to say, soaking in His presence, basking in His gentleness and love.... hearing truth , spoken by the "Way the Truth and the Life"..... but then I would have had to go through the heartache of losing Him, seeing Him again, just for Him to leave for good... to have known Him "personally" though would have been so amazing... wondering if I would have loved Him more than I do now... or believe in Him more...

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him (1 Peter 1:8 )

Loving Him, enjoying His presence.. staying at His feet, pouring out my love, my heartache and my sadness... my joy and my excitement... my worries and my brokenness...letting go of any selfish notion.. makes me think of a new favorite song...

Here before Your altar

I am letting go of all I've held

Of every motive, every burden

Everything that's of myself

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh, I am lost for more to say

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence

I am not afraid of brokenness

To wash Your feet with humble tears

I would be poured out till nothing's left

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

I just want to dwell on who He is, how much He loves me, how much I love Him, and how I can serve Him and follow Him...

I am still wishing though I was there when He was... because sometimes I feel He isn't there. sometimes I am feeling alone, I know that He is always there, but sometimes His presence escapes me..  I am a touchy, feely kind of person and to be able to really see Him will one day be just amazing...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ( Hebrews 11:1 )

considering that faith is a gift from Him... I am going to hold on to what I know to be true... that His presence is always there, that He walks with me wherever I go...

because that is what His Word, the truth, says: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” ( Matthew 28: 20 )

..I am looking forward to seeing Him in all His glory when He takes me home one day... and I am sure that He will...

...my Husband...

finished reading the book "Single, Married, Separated , and Life after Divorce"..... good to read all the things the Lord has been teaching me throughout my walk with Him nicely organized in chapters... forgiveness and openness the key to healing, accepting that the trauma of tearing apart what had become one takes time to heal, finding healing and acceptance, a restored heart and soul in Christ Alone, not in a new relationship, taking time to be in "intensive care" alone with Him, and moving on to the healing in community... companionship with sisters in Christ and family, learning that God made me whole and unique ... being wise and making good choices for the future, taking care of all areas of my life, appreciating the help I am getting..learning from mistakes I made in choosing my partner and and being a godly wife, accepting my part in the failure of my marriage, even though I was not the one ending it.. knowing that a failed marriage does not make me a failure... understanding that my God in His infinite wisdom has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future..... 

This future may or may not include another husband... a flesh and blood one... but this is true for me:

For your Maker is your husband— 

   the LORD Almighty is his name— 

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; 

   he is called the God of all the earth. 

 The LORD will call you back 

   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— 

a wife who married young, 

   only to be rejected,” says your God.

 Isaiah 54:5+6

a vow made in the presence of the Lord, a commitment, broken, the greek word for divorce means "defection"... the one to leave a marriage a defector, choosing to not "stick to and chase after" ( that's what cleaving means ) the wife of his choosing anymore.. the husband is the one doing the chasing... as it says in Genesis, it is the man that leaves his father and mother to "cleave" to His wife... not an unforgivable sin, but one to repent from and sin no more... found myself asking my Ex husband to never lie to the new woman in his life... to not put her through what I had to go through ...

my prayer for me, my children and anyone who is close to me is that  we would be wise and seek the Lord's will... try to walk with Him, not ahead of Him, let Him be the One to call the shots... give Him the role only He can successfully play... after all, I am a sheep and He is the Shepherd, He alone knows what is good for anyone of us...to know Him more and more is what I am striving for...

... showing love to a thousand generations..

I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Exodus 20 : 5 + 6

memorized this verse in January, wanting to have it available to me anytime I pray for my kids...

claiming this promise for my kids... I love God and try to keep His commandments as good as I can... so He promises to show love to my children for a thousand generations...

 a promise to hold on to, when things are difficult and we worry about where our children are heading...

thought of this again today.... not because of my children, but rather because of my own parents, and the dysfunction of my family. I am so thankful that He in His mercy and grace has chosen me before the beginning of the world to be His, has given me eyes to see and ears to hear, has freed me from the bondage of being the first generation of those that hate God... that are openly scorning His commandments ....

I have done nothing to deserve this.. giving my life for Him seems to small a Thank you.... I am so glad that by His grace and His strength chains can be broken and dysfunction can be overcome.. as much as I have not had the chance to change some of the patterns, by loving God I am giving my children a better chance...

by walking in forgiveness and mercy, by seeking Him and allowing them to see my desperate dependence on Him, I am breaking the pattern of that sin that has been keeping my family in bondage.. pride...

very sad to see the torment and destruction that are the fruit of resisting God and rejecting Him... not being able to admit mistakes and weaknesses, not surrendering and acknowledging that God is in control, that He is the One from whom all blessings flow... proudly claiming their success as their own and pointing a finger at anyone who does not live up to their expectations, never seeing how much they have let others down and hurt them....

it breaks my heart and I will not cease to plead with my God to open their eyes and unstop their ears, so that they too can find the forgiveness, the peace and the love that is only found in the One who is the Beginning and the End... the Alpha and Omega, the Prince of Peace, Almighty God, the King of Kings...

I will continue to try to live authentically before them, try to be an ambassador of Christ, allowing Him to shine His light through me... to be a light in the darkness... so that they too will spend eternity with Him... because no matter what hurt they are continuing to inflict, I do love them...

.... Tsunami... eternity: a top priority...

..earthquake, tsunami, hundreds and hundreds of people swept away and buried beneath rubble, nuclear reactors heating up...
..far, far away and yet so close in this day and age.. woke up to three e-mails from USGS, the United States geological Survey... ( signed up for these a few years ago and have been baffled ever since just how many earthquakes there are all the time)
twitter was already buzzing with calls to pray.... Tsunami warnings... thanks to the "connections" I had pretty much turned off last week I now could find out easily that my sister was safe, up on a hill, evacuated from her resort in Hawaii, the husband of a friend, in Japan, but safe, a man from our church already back from his trip to Japan...
the blessings of the "information age"....
still reeling from saddening changes in my church .. a doctor's appointment for my daughter to get to the bottom of a potentially serious health issue...
more news about some spiritual warfare going on in an unexpected place, affecting another of my children and me... a book in the mail from a treasured friend... confirming to me that being single is something very valuable... being unique, whole and complete... knowing who I am in Christ, what a blessing....
" in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world.." ( Jesus )
on a day like today, I am compelled even more to lift up all those who do not know my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ... on a day like today, when we are being confronted with how quickly our world can come tumbling down around us... from one second to the next the destination we are heading to for eternity can become top priority...
I am thankful that He has promised to take us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom if we only believe that He died on the cross for our sins and that we are forgiven and redeemed because of that. Making Him Lord of our life and living this earthly life for His Glory.... SOLI  DEO  GLORIA
May His power and healing grace be evident to the people of Japan today and always!

.... losing sight of the CONNECTION that counts...

facebook, twitter, blogging,... texting.... what did we do before we got so used to all these ways of communicating CONSTANTLY????

My mother used to make fun of me by saying my "eighties - baby" was growing up with the phone cord around her.. ( that was me talking to her for hours figuring out the secrets of motherhood )  

today's kids don't even know that phones had cords at one point in time... 

writing letters? I had a pen pal when I was a teenager, a girlfriend living about an hour away, we would write to each other pretty much as soon as the letter arrived, which would be a day after it was sent....

last Sunday I decided to get off facebook for some time and reduce my texting and twitter activities...

I realized I was receiving some of my affirmation and sense of importance through connecting with people that way...

I am energized by relating to others, I usually enjoy being together with my kids, my friends... I also have a profound need to be alone, which then makes the fact that I am "alone" as in no longer married so much more evident... so really, these devices have become even more important for me...

as I have been trying to find all I need in my relationship with God, I just decided I needed to get rid of the devices that make me feel less alone.. because , the truth is I am, I am not, because I do have my kids and my friends that love me,  but I am, because I am not a part of a couple ... the plan is to be fine with that... and I am, but then I am not other times..

Long story short... these last 4 days I have been praying a lot more and taking my loneliness to Him, rather than trying to distract myself by knowing everything everyone is sharing with everyone... wow... that's crazy anyways...

I am not signing off facebook for good.... just taking some time off...  ( I will actually post this on there today.... but just not go on ;)for a while, fixing my eyes on the eternal... he was enough the last 2000 years...  He is today, and He will be for the next 2000 years if this is the plan.....  I am fearfully and wonderfully made; my God does not make junk... I am complete and I am His beloved child, I have a purpose and He made me to long for Him... like the Donut man back then told my kids... our hearts are like donuts... they have a hole in the middle that only He can fill, no friends on facebook or followers on twitter or my blog.....  

So I am continuing to draw close to Him, because He promised to draw close to me then, He also said He would be found if I am seeking Him with all my heart... and I am, I surely am....

... Conflict.. Change... :(

... expectations... disappointments... conflict... change.... misunderstandings... anger... hurt..pain...unforgiveness, bitterness.....
as humans relate, no matter what level, personal or corporate... as spouses, friends, boss, employees, any of these things can happen, and do happen... it is something that cannot be avoided...
as Christians we are called to deal with conflict differently than the world, just heard a great sermon again today about how by our fruit and by our standing firm and living according to our beliefs we shall be known...
 so, when change happens, we don't like it... we don't necessarily know all that has led to the change... we might never know... we have to be careful not to jump to conclusions and take on a perceived offense... no one is helped by that..
 what are we to do when we are faced with things we don't want, don't understand and just are not okay with? well, if what we are proclaiming is true, then we need to trust God, who is sovereign to know what He is doing... we need to trust that He, as much as we can't get our head around it has the best interest of ALL in mind... both "sides" in a conflict that leads to change are going to learn something, are going to be more refined after going through this trial, for those that love God and surrender to Him He will work even these things out for the best...
as we are trusting Him for all of this what else can we do? I think we can pray... pray for everyone involved.. let go of our own emotions and be supportive to all who are going through the conflict and stress of hurt feelings and disappointments..
as humans we always want to take sides and find the party that is to blame ...justice, it's something we have a tremendous need for... realizing that this is not our job is a very important step... He who alone is just and holy is the one that needs to do this.. we, as His followers are to live the way He calls and enables us to, not judging anyone, but in love pray for and walk beside our brothers and sisters.... that does include both "sides".....
what to do, when painful changes unsettle us ?  Give all our fears, feelings and anxieties to God, trusting Him to guard our minds and hearts and give us the peace He has promised... leaving our burdens in HIs capable hands, lifting up those that are most affected by those changes and loving one another like Christ loves us....
"Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.  Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many." ( Hebrews 12:14+15)
so many things we do not like... so much sadness in a life time.. accepting it as inevitable and trusting God as He works it out for the best for those that love Him... that's the best we can do.....

... life is a beautiful struggle????

human nature.... what's up with that? the flesh.... sinful nature... why the battle... that's my question.. okay, let's look at the facts:
Adam and Eve messed it up... yes, the fall, not a good thing, went all downhill from there...
really? and we are now lost because of that... well thank you very much... just kidding... if I know anything I know I would have done exactly what Eve did... I am curious, rebellious, and, if that man in my life is not taking his leadership role seriously and puts his foot down I will take what he told me ( and let's face it... he didn't tell Eve exactly what God had said... Adam!!!!!!!) question it and do what I want anyway... if tempted enough... and, considering a chocolate bar in my cupboard is something I cannot resist, how would I have been able to resist the serpent... deceiving and scheming, charming and playing into some secret desires... yup, it's for sure, would have caved as well...
so, since then we really had no freedom to choose what's right... no excuse for me today though..
Jesus came to redeem me, buy me back, from the one who had ownership of my soul... not only did He do that when I was saved, He also moved right into my heart... took up permanent residence...  and with Him, it is PERMANENT... because He is faithful and will never just give up on me and decide He just doesn't care enough anymore to stick around...
okay, so then... why still the struggle? I understand it is a process... some things are taken care of in an instant, some He gives us time to figure them out.. burns them away as He allows us to be confronted with our own wrong choices and sinfulness... don't like it...
last night was an exciting and at the same time very difficult night for me...
first of all, I was tired... and wired.... I drove the by now very familiar way to Cambridge, got there, and other than the few people I see when I am at the Center I did not know anyone..... came by MYSELF... considering I am single.. it sucks... anyways, on top of it I was now slowly getting a bit nervous.. didn't go there, but rather prayed again.. asked a few close friends to pray and trusted Him...
gave my little testimony, God carrying me through it with ease... He is sooooooo AMAZING.....
felt better after that, some people came up to me and spoke to me ... that was nice.. the evening went on, a Jazz pianist and singer was making music and it was nice... until he started playing one song that in the past had meant so much to me... my Ex husbands and my song.... "Unforgettable".... really????? not quite I guess..
tried to be okay but needed to get out of there then, driving home through the snow ( seriously!!!!!!!!) listening to my favourite love songs by Michael W Smith... praying most of the way and asking the One in my heart to be all I need.....
so, flesh, spirit... struggling... my spirit in communion with the Holy Spirit living in me knows exactly what's happening and that this is the best for me... my "humanness" is hurting and longing for something else... good to know, that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.. and I am sure He knows just how much I love Him... so I guess I do not need to worry..................  :(

... led into His presence... thank you MWS and AG...

...got home at 2 last night from an exhilarating and long awaited event.. a concert ... a time to worship my Jesus... led by 2 of the most talented Christian Artists ( my opinion anyways)....
spent 6 hours total driving, having great fun speeding on Canadian and "All" ( for you James ) American highways... spending time with great friends ... so blessings all around...
brought to tears a few times during the concert... touched once again by the love my Jesus has for me.. made aware of my desperate dependence on Him, who alone can meet my needs..
I love Him with a passion that makes me jump out of my seat, annoying people behind me, worshipping Him , my hands lifted high, with every ounce of everything I am... spending myself, pouring myself out in desperation... because there is NO OTHER WAY...
tonight I am going to give testimony of just how AMAZING He is... how He has brought me where I am today, how He is using the trials and the refining to bring glory to His name..  may all I say today and forever be SOLI DEO GLORIA... for His glory ALONE...
.... wired and tired and emotionally charged to bursting I am so thankful for the way He minsters to me and all the 2000 other fans that where there yesterday... using willing vessels to draw us close to Him...
that's what life is all about.. closeness and relationship with the One and Only, Jesus Christ, the Son of God..  Praise Him oh my soul....

..hollow and deceitful philosophies..

..as the student of the Word that I am I need to get to the bottom of thoughts and find the "black and white" that the Lord has given me whenever I think He is saying something to me..
my JOG "homework" for this week was to look up some verses that speak about me being complete in Christ, so that I could counter the lie I am believing and replace it with the TRUTH.
I am then going to memorize some of those so that when the old deceitful thoughts want to creep up I can take them captive to the obedience of Christ and filter them through this beautiful verse the Lord has given us:  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.....( Phil 4:8 )
so, if my thoughts don't fit with this verse, I am going to have a truth tucked away in my mind to think about... something that just by nature, it being the Word of God is all those things Phil 4:8 talks about...


.. so here we go... this is the passage I will memorize..


Colossians 2

I want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. ( Colossians 2:1-10)

As I have been reading through this, something else hit me.. it is interesting how it speaks about that we have to make sure no one takes us captive through "hollow and deceptive philosophy".... I was watching a show that my daughters are watching and had taped last night and even as I was watching I realized how it was all about finding all we need in that one romantic relationship... 3 couples were getting together in this one episode, all teenagers and as a mother of a teenager I was saddened how they were all falling for some empty promises, and at the same time I realized what it was doing to me... I all of a sudden felt the need to experience the exhilarating feeling of that first kiss.... just after I had made up my mind that this was not what I wanted to focus on. I turned off the tv ... took these thoughts captive and rather read through yesterday's blog again.... so in this passage, no surprise, God has a lot more for me than just confirming that my fullness, my completeness is found in Him alone, it also educates and guides me even further..

He is and gives me all I need and that is a fact. proven to me over and over again. Oh what a merciful and patient Father I have... I love Him with all my heart.

...Prince Charming?????

...in my quiet time this morning... and a bit later while reaching out to a friend who finds herself in a similar situation , I figured something out..
my JOG partner had asked me that not so long ago : Why would you, who has only encountered sadness, disappointment and loneliness in your relationships, have never felt loved by any of the significant men in your life, starting with your father, think it is so important  to be in a relationship with a man again?
well, a very good question...
little girls already are longing for Prince Charming to come and sweep them off their feet...  those that are blessed enough to have a father that makes them feel special might have a better chance of accepting reality....
someone like me, who felt afraid of her father and never good enough, was traumatized by violent outbursts that would come out of nowhere and as a result of his inability to communicate love and relate in a healthy way has always felt extremely insecure... someone like me, who ended up with a man who wasn't emotionally available and as frightening.... who continually pointed out shortcomings and would react with ice cold anger...  someone like me, as crazy as this is, ends up after 47 years still hanging on to the dream that Prince Charming  will eventually show up.....

and then, I thought this morning, there is God, my Abba Father, my Daddy, who loves me and has made me in His image, who has forgiven me for all my shortcoming, past and future, who longs to spend time with me, wants to know all that is on my heart... He, who delights over me with singing and knows all my inmost thoughts, He cherishes me and has prepared a room for me in His mansion... He has promised to walk through my life with me , carry me when I am  weak and tired, give me all I will ever need...

how in the world can I still be fantasizing about this mere mortal, who finally will love me for who I am , who will not put me down for my enthusiasm and my passion, who will appreciate my compassion and share my love for my Saviour.... I really should just be content with the fact that I have this eternal Father, who also is the lover of my soul, fix my eyes on Him and be thankful and leave my unrealistic dreams and romantic fantasies at His throne of grace... and only if He brings this man ( and I know there are some ;) into my life, accept this relationship as yet another blessing from Him....

there, that's what I figured out... let's see how long I can stick to it, hopeless romantic that I am :(

... indicator light off?????

I love my macbook, I think it is the greatest laptop anyone can have, I really am convinced there is nothing better out there...  no viruses and other "normal" problems.. nope, nothing going wrong here....
just now as I plugged in the power cord, and, let's face it, this one is getting a little "old", I realized that the little red light indicating that the laptop is now charging was not turning on... had to wiggle it a little to make sure it was working.... if I don't move the laptop too much it will stay connected to the power source, otherwise, even though the plug is in the right spot, there is no power coming through and my laptop is not charging...
made me think of how I need to be plugged into my power source, otherwise I am loosing my energy and my abilities... become sluggish and rather useless... the plug can be in, but because I have wiggled around way too much the flow might not be coming through well enough... following up on yesterday's sermon I am thinking that this is exactly what has happened to me lately...
sometimes I am thinking I am charging my computer only to see the little icon on the top right corner  saying: "not charging"... unfortunately humans do not have such an indicator...
I had taken my eyes off Him who is able to move mountains and fixed them on the mountain... I moved my focus and somehow, even though I was still believing the same things my indicator light was off.... no power coming through... I was reading my bible, I was praying, journalling and still... the attitude of my heart was not the right one. Feeling sorry for myself and upset and defeated... forgetting that with Him I indeed can RISE ABOVE the "unfairness" of what I see around me.
It hit me yesterday that no matter the circumstances here, after the 60, 70, 80 years we might have, eternity awaits and mine has been secured to be with my Saviour... in a place where there will be no more tears, no more disappointment, no more lies, betrayal and loneliness, but rather a love that we cannot even imagine since we only get a few little glimpses of it once in a while.... and not only that, but this relationship I have with Him is already allowing me to be courageous and strong, serving Him and being blessed in return... looking at a possible location for the Center in my church yesterday my heart welled up with excitement about the possibility of helping those that are without hope, overwhelmed and desperate.... what a privilege that is......  truth is, I needed to be made aware that I needed an attitude adjustment... needed to focus...

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— 

   where does my help come from? 

 My help comes from the LORD, 

   the Maker of heaven and earth.

  He will not let your foot slip— 

   he who watches over you will not slumber; 

 indeed, he who watches over Israel 

   will neither slumber nor sleep.

  The LORD watches over you— 

   the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 

 the sun will not harm you by day, 

   nor the moon by night.

  The LORD will keep you from all harm— 

   he will watch over your life; 

 the LORD will watch over your coming and going 

   both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

.. got your HDSD glasses???

I love my pastor, he is just the bestest in the world.. what a sermon today... I know it was exactly what I needed for sure... another light bulb moment ... definitely something that shed some light on my struggles and gave me new hope....


So have you got your HDSD glasses??? they are High Definition Spiritual Dimension glasses... yes, that's what they are, they allow us to see the world, our circumstances, our trials and fears and sorrows with God's eyes... rather than looking just at what the world sees we can understand the purpose that God has for what is going on in our lives...


if we look @ life from a worldly perspective, we will live defeated lives,
if we look @ life from God's perspective, we will live victorious lives.
The world looks at life like something that will end with death.... for someone with God's perspective after death life will start... 
in this world it is about how much we own, and we all know that we can loose this in a second... from God's perspective it is about who owns us... the One who chose us and loves us, the One who gives us eternal life with Him...who bought us with a price..
with the HDSD  glasses we see His provision instead of our poverty...
instead of my guilt and shame I see His grace... His son died and payed for all my sin, I am forgiven ... no guilt for my part in messing up my marriage, hurting my children.... sin, indeed but paid for by my Saviour...
instead of my circumstances I see His courage... when I am defeated, depressed and afraid what my life from now on will look like, I do not have to worry or be afraid.. He has promised me to never leave me or forsake me..He will bring me through this and He will hold me in His arms as we are walking through the difficult times..
instead of just keeping on keeping on for the sake of being committed seeing His reward... eternity with Him, allowing me to live a life of joy , motivated by having my eyes fixed on Him like it says in 2 Corinthians 4:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...


I memorized this passage many years ago... it was true then, it is true today and it will always be true... I am sorry that in the last months I have somehow not worn "my HDSD glasses" often enough... I definitely had them on for the first 6 months after the life shattering events of 2009... I was able to rise above my circumstances and courageously trust him for each step of the way... I think as I have been doing better I have put the glasses aside a little bit too often and 
have fallen into the trap of thinking I could handle things on my own...


well, I have put them back on and I will try very hard to remember to keep them on... at all times...