... fill the void.....

.... wouldn't  it  be so great if we just could hibernate.... crawl into bed and hide and stay there until all wounds have healed and a nice new layer of healthy skin has grown over  the holes... no longer any evidence left of what has been ripped apart...
... if you think about it, had I been in a car wreck... and really for sure you can compare wrecking a family to a car accident... I would be in the hospital and then in rehab until all healed and ready to enter the real world again..
so, if I could just stay in the presence of the healing power of Jesus and not have to go on living my daily life, maybe I would be healing better, more consistently.
I feel pathetic and self absorbed to talk about the ongoing struggles, but then there are some that say it helps them, knowing that they are not alone in their troubles..
... just now, when driving to the church to pick up my little one from Youth group I had tears streaming down my face again and just pleaded with my Lord to please meet me in a different way... it's just not working, the up and downs,  so tiring and frustrating...

I need Him to permanently fix my lonely, rejected heart... my heart that is too vulnerable and so tossed  about like a little boat in a storm... I am pleading for His Spirit to wash over me and fill me in a way He never has... to transform my foolish, foolish heart that still falls for human attention instead of only relying on His love... so foolish, it sickens me...
So now, I am going to go to my bedroom and in the loneliness of it I am going to cry out until He meets me... I know that He will.... .......maybe I just need to stay there for a time....
...... maybe even  for a season...

... A Prayer for All the Children....

...You thought of them before the creation of the world...Thank you Lord
...You gave your life for them.... We can never thank You enough.
... fixing Your eyes on the joy laid out before You, You sacrificed yourself
... You formed them in our wombs...Oh Lord Thank You for the privilege of being a mother
...You put them together and made them into the unique and wonderful children they are, we shall forever praise You
...You have plans for them , Lord
Plans to prosper them and not to harm them
Plans to give them a hope and a future...
.... so Lord, as we let them go one step further away from us,
may You be their shelter and refuge..
may You lead them and keep them safe...
... We praise You because You promised you would never leave them or forsake them,
... we praise You because You love them more than we do...
We praise You because You are their Daddy and You will keep them close in Your embrace
when we have to let them go...
We bless Your Holy Name Lord as You bless our sons and daughters today and forever more.
May they draw closer to You each day of their lives and surrender themselves to You.
We praise You  forever and ever...
Love you Lord

.......One instead of Four.. August 3, 2010

..and here I am again... up in the middle of the night... not alone though, everyone is home..in my bed today 1 child, 2 dogs..... not lonely, rather crowded...she hasn't done that in while, wanting to sleep in my bed...not since we moved here anyways...but today

my little Bekkie needed her mommy... it is all just too much for her..the freaking out and crying for an hour this afternoon... a wise friend suggested maybe this was more than just a hormonal teenager not wanting to help... but rather a little girl finding an outlet to let all the emotional stress flow out of her.... it is good to hug her and just hold her hours later, when she has calmed down and I can just love her.

As I was lying in bed and communicating with my Father, I placed her once again in His arms, relieved to know that He cares for her more than even I do.... she gets me going, when this kind of stuff is going on and I am at my wit's end... I shouldn't be surprised that this is where He, the Lover of my soul, the Refuge, my husband,the Rock, my Eternal Daddy is right there for me... I need to take a step away when this happens, intentionally sink into Him and let His wisdom guide me.... I need His guidance in all areas of my life but find myself especially needy right now when it comes to my abandoned teenager... 

I found out today, that He really is not only wise and loving but also immensely strong...yes, He can carry me and my kids, all at the same time...My God is so good, so strong and so mighty , there is nothing my God cannot do....where there were 4 sets of footprints before, this evening, there was only one...

How marvelous, how beautiful YOU are!!!!!

.... Reality..... August 2, 2010

Today, as I was packing all kinds of stuff that is still at the old house, in the heat, as my youngest was hysterically screaming, lying on the floor... ( for a very long time) as I was looking through pictures and albums ..... it hit me again how this really is so wrong. 

The kids came back from the cottage last night.... they brought our sheets back.. and for a moment I thought am I now washing the sheets of my husband and his girlfriend when it dawned on me that thankfully they were still there and so their bed had not been stripped.... they are my sheets...I hope they will have the courtesy of not giving them back to me dirty...
As I was sorting the laundry the kids brought back there was a woman's PJ pants ( her's)....and a T-shirt of their Dad's... turns out Bekkie was wearing both... that's what she does... she always wears my stuff and her Dad's... or at least she did when he was still at home...
It breaks my heart, and I am realizing again that this is such a twisted, screwed up situation... there are so many reasons why God does not want us to have a divorce... the girlfriend is nice, they all had a great time... I am happy about that... it is what it is... and considering the circumstances God is blessing us... and let me tell you I prayed a lot about this all during this week...but it is all so complicated and everyone on our side is paying the price... big time..
Thankfully God is bigger than that and He loves my kids, He is able to heal all that is done to them by the brokeness and selfishness that surrounds them...
It seems unfair that I would be the one who has to deal with all the emotions of all of them, with most of the work of moving,the one that is left alone, with all the baloney.... makes me think of my favorite song again... by Natalie Grant... "Held"...... "it is unfair, but the promise was that "when" everything fell we would be held"... not "if", not, "oh, you are a Christian, this won't happen to you".... no : WHEN it happens, I am HELD... in the comforting, soft and strong at the same time embrace...in the arms of my Daddy... oh how I love Him..... Bekkie relaxed, we packed some more stuff... the laundry will be done tomorrow...
We had a great dinner and card game, just us girls... God is good, He is holding all of us......

........Lonely.....July 30, 2010

I never signed up for any of this... and as much as I am so much more aware that God in His love for me has allowed me to be basically alone and sad for the majority of my life ( loneliness in a marriage is no picnic either) and I am thankful for the closeness I have been allowed to find with Him... there are times, like right now, ( it is 2:17 am ) where all of this is just so very very sad...

2 of my daughters are up at the cottage with my soon to be Ex husband and his new girlfriend, one is staying over at a friends house... it's me and my fluffy little puppies and thank God for them... at least I have them snuggle up to me..

I have cried, and I just need to be open about this too... I am excited, and I am so blessed to know my Daddy in Heaven, but there is quite the price to be paid to get there ( and I know that the price I am paying is nothing compared to the price that He paid for me to have this relationship)... but really,  life "sucks" when this is going on..( I never used this word before all the garbage happened... sorry) 

I am longing for what I have been longing for all my life... and I am not giving up hope that there will be a real man in my life again, someone to care for and someone who will care for me..

I am no saint and I am not perfect yet...I have feelings and needs...

I am learning to be content in who I am, Miriam, the single woman... I am excited about what is going to happen in my life through the new opportunities.... but sometimes, at night, I am just alone. 

And I don't like it.....

That's when I am telling my Daddy that I really really wish for a man in my life when the time is right and I am asking Him to make it so that this will be soon...

I used to be afraid of the possibility that God, who is all about refining us, would not give me the desire of my heart... in the meantime I have learned that I am indeed God's favorite... that He wants to bestow His favor upon me and I am claiming this favor.

During my marriage there have been times when I resented my husband  that I needed so much of the energy I had to make sure my home was relatively peaceful that I didn't have enough left over to be at work for God... I love serving Him and I am so blessed to know that He has a specific purpose for me..

My longing now is to be allowed to experience the joy to serve Him together with a godly man, on fire for Jesus.....together!!!

I am sad and alone... I am feeling a bit sorry for myself.. I admit that... I know that I am not alone and that tomorrow is a new day with His mercies that are new every morning...

But right now... right now I am not enjoying where I am...

Thank the Lord for little Minnie snoring right next to me... :)

... Patience....in the excitement...July 29, 2010

If you know me, you know that I am a passionate, ( some negative and very mean :( people call me fanatic.. the nerve) enthusiastic person.... most of the time this kind of character trait comes with another , that is not quite that positive ( if you think it is positive to  begin with).... the not so good thing that comes with passion is often times IMPATIENCE...

So, God, my beloved Daddy, has had his hands full with me in that way... many times in my life I have just jumped right into situations that seemed so right at the moment but then turned out disastrous......

After 16 years of having the Holy Spirit living in me I am happy to say that the patience that is part of His fruit has also grown "a little bit" in me......

 As I am so very excited now.... you got it, I am also really struggling with impatience...

So I thought, why not try and get some wisdom from "THE" source of wisdom... so I did a little word study of the word patience in the bible.

As all good scholars ;) do, I first looked patience up in the dictionary and the thesaurus..here it goes:

Meaning: the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining

Synonyms: forbearance, long-suffering, sufferance, tolerance

Related Words: acquiescence, resignation; passiveness, passivity; amenability, compliance, conformism, docility, obedience, subordination, tractability, willingness; discipline, self-control; submission, submissiveness

WOW....I knew it was a high calling...

Now, what does the bible have to say... interestingly enough patience, the noun is only found in the  bible 17 times, to be patient 27 times.... hmmmmm

 Does that maybe mean this is an action... something we need to choose to do, rather than wait for it to happen by itself... ( as an aside... to bad this site has no emoticons... I so would like to use some here and there)

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1)

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ( Romans 8:25)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ( Romans 12:12)

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. (Hebrews 6:15)

These are only four of the verses that contain the word patient... there is quite a bit though that speaks to me and let's me know what the Lord has for me, if I wait patiently....

He will hear my cry, we will receive what is promised... it tells me too when to be patient... in affliction, and when I am hoping for something I do not have....this verse in Romans 8 reminds me of another one that sounds almost the same: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ( Hebrews 11:1) Now isn't it interesting the connection that can be made here..

If we hope patiently for what we do not have, and we are being sure of what we are hoping for, that's faith... after waiting patiently, we will receive the promises...so even though we cannot see them now, through faith, which is a gift from God, we do not loose hope, actually, like Romans 12:12 says, we are joyful in this hope...it is amazing.

I love the Word...it has answers for all our questions.... that's another proof that our Father in Heaven loves us so much...He has given us His word, so that we can find all we need, wisdom, hope, joy and faith..

So, once again,   I have the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining, I have the willingness to be obedient...because, as I wait patiently, my God gives me joy as I hope in what I do not have, knowing that He hears me and will give me what He has promised  and He even provides and grows the faith that I need to be able to hold on to this hope.... AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

As the Spirit testifies to my spirit I can joyfully and patiently serve Him while I am waiting.....

So I am, today... and for however long I need to..because I am sure of one thing most of all, my Father in Heaven is GOOD ALL THE TIME... I know it because I know Him...after all, He is right here holding me... Hallelujah!

... My love letter to the man God has for me...July 26, 2010

I am so full of Joy and Love, I am ready... 

When God had His way with me last July, when He opened my eyes to how my pride and fear and selfishness had contributed to the horrible marriage I was in, when He spoke to me through the words in 1 Corinthians 13.... love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast, it is not rude it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth... It always hopes always trusts,always protects, always perseveres..... when in the gentle way of the Father He convicted me of how I had fallen short of loving my husband that way, as I repented, He changed my heart completely...

Even through the following 4 months, when I found out about the affair, when I trusted and forgave, when I gave it my all and needed to depend on Jesus for every moment I loved my husband like that... funny that even to this day, loving like this allows me to deal with all the garbage of breaking apart a family... forgiveness is easy, seeing the good in the husband that has betrayed and rejected me and my children... thank the Lord for that...without this change of heart I would have had a much harder time to live through this the way it brings glory to my Father in heaven... it is by His grace alone...

Why am I talking about this... well, I guess it explains that I am in a place where I am bursting with so much love and excitement...ready to love...whoever the Lord will put in my way...

I love all the women that I will meet as my calling ( the Pregnancy Center!!!!!) will manifest itself, everyone who God will put in my way... all the cracks and holes in this vessel that I am have the love of Christ pouring out of them... Praise God for allowing the hard times....no hard times, no cracks.. no love pouring out...it's a no brainer ;)

I am excited for the man I will get to share my passion for ministry with... I am excited for where He, the Lover of my Soul and Daddy in Heaven will lead me and take me.... I am held... I am where I need to be.....I am weak and vulnerable, but that's when He is strong... His grace is sufficient for me and I am  so thankful... eternally thankful....

Oh what a blessing to be used by God... what a tremendous privilege, to be part of what He is doing......... I love Him with all my soul, heart and mind....

so... whoever this letter is to... my prayer is that you would be on fire for Him, and that together we will be skipping along the path that He has for us....

I can't wait ;)

...Hindsight...Take Four........

...these 3 weeks with "her" here must have been the most trying and hurtful and scary weeks in my life.. you know the physical feeling when your stomach is in a knot and you are shaking inside..when I am scared I always feel the fear in my stomach.... it is not a nice feeling..

during these 3 weeks, (remember he had already told me he didn't love me anymore, just after the Lord had filled my heart with that totally unselfish  love for him..she, invited by me, her always supportive and compassionate cousin, was here because I wanted to provide refuge to her while her husband was cheating on her.. get that.... Satan definitely had his hands in this....oh... and she was my Maid of Honor)

okay so during these 3 weeks I fervently prayed every minute of every day.... he denied there was anyone else, but then I would find the two of them alone, him arranging for them to spend time together alone doing stuf, I wanted to trust him but also felt weird about all this, asked him not to do that. One day she sent pictures that I had taken of her to him, while sitting across from me, sitting on my couch, using my old laptop, to my husband... I didn't know.... it was a nightmare..

a week before she left I had some inkling and checked his laptop- I guess I should mention that throughout all this time I was trying really hard to show my love to him, no matter what, I also prayed that God would allow me to trust him but if there was something going on to show me, to bring to light what was hiding in the darkness-... so checking his laptop I found the e-mails with the pictures of her that I had taken ...

confronted him... he denied it meant anything... talked to her, she denied it meant anything.... so there I was...kind of wanting to deny it too... but at the same time my stomach was tightening up even more... the only release I found was when alone, praying and listening once again to my Michael W Smith CD... this time Healing Rain was the song for me....Healing rain is falling down, Healing rain is falling down, I am not afraid, I am not afraid...

oh how mysterious are the ways the Lord ministers to our hearts... He gave us music to touch our souls in the moments of greatest needs.. I was drowning in my circumstances, praying constantly, too frantic and frazzled to be able to do it on my own.. one of those times when we cannot even find the words but only utter "Help me Jesus".... this song gave me hope... and gave me the courage to live, minute by minute holding on to Him.... Oh Lord you are my only Hope...

going to New York like planned a while before with my girls for the last weekend she was here in Canada.... crazy, leaving them here, alone, going to New York where I had been many times with him, only ever with him, only by God's grace and His loving care for me was I able to not ruin this for my girls... my heart knew...my mind didn't want to know... my soul was grieving....God sustained me...His healing rain falling down on me, giving me what I needed not to lose it and to be able to hold on...to the hope that only He can give..

looking back, a year later, this doesn't send me in a panic anymore. I know that the Lord was in control even over the things that 2 people that were not only totally ignoring Him and His commands but also the pain they were inflicting on 4 people they supposedly loved and cared about were doing... He allowed them to take us all to a higher level of trust in Him.. because even then, we were Held by the God of the Universe, Almighty God, Our Redeemer and King... the Lover of our souls who will never let us down... Praise be to Him both now and forever more....... to be continued.....

....the smell of death....

...so I was stupid enough to agree to get together with my dad.... I kind of had decided I was not going to try to make them understand how much they are letting me down and hurting me... I was sure that it would not make any difference but just give them more ammunition and gossip material...
The little girl inside of me was naive enough to have some hope and that's why I agreed... I think...


As could be expected my hopes didn't come true... you wonder how long it takes for me to get it...  (I must be quite dense...)


Far from hopes coming true ... more things were said that were hurtful and I am sure I did give them more interesting tidbits about their horrible daughter.. to be shared with others that are shaking their heads about me.


It is interesting, I am disappointed, but it is not hitting me as hard as I would have expected it to.... well, for one, I knew they didn't care about me, I knew they are stuck where they are...


And I have known this for a while as well:


If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. ( John 15:18)


If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. (John 15:19)


I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. (John 17:14)


Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. ( 1 John 3:13)


So maybe this is rather a comfort, knowing that my mere existence, as a born again follower of Christ is causing the hatred... 


But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. ( 2 Cor 2:14-16)


So as I am learning to walk in His strength and security alone, I am comforted by the fact that it must mean I am standing up for what is right... following my Lord as good as I can.....


It might be a sad and lonely place at times, but it is where I need to be....

Safe by Natalie Grant

...seek His Kingdom FIRST.....

This morning the Lord spoke to me...yes, He did, out of nowhere He gave me this verse: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)


If you are following my ramblings on here you know that the last little while had me struggling a bit more and had me focusing on the mountain rather than on the Mountain Mover... 


As He has been gently leading me out of the pit I was in, He once again allowed me to take my eyes off me and rather look to Him and let Him lead me.


Serving Him is a passion of mine and as you also know, He has been opening my eyes to the needs of those around me that do not know Him...
So this morning I decided I was going to look up "serving" the Lord... (I love biblegateway.com) 


 But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you: to love the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to obey his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and all your soul." (Joshua 22:5)


But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (1. Samuel 12:24)


Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.' (Luke 4:8)


As I prayed for God to continue to allow me to serve Him only and take the focus of my selfish needs my heart received real peace and contentment..


Moving through my morning, in my kitchen, tidying up some stuff I all of a sudden had the Holy Spirit bring this verse to mind... 


Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you...


Seeking His kingdom, fixing my eyes on Him and obeying His commands cheerfully, serving Him and putting my needs and wants last, He will give me the desire of my heart... which is to serve Him, together with the man that HE has for me... dedicating my life to His service.. whatever that will look like...


I understand that it is not wrong to desire this, I just cannot let the fact that this is not happening right now throw me off and unsettle me.. I need to continue to Seek His Kingdom by drawing close to Him... because that is the place I need to be... maybe one day together with a man after God's own heart... or maybe not... but in His presence all those earthly desires can dim just enough to rest again in the love and faithfulness of the Father.... Thank you Lord....

...break my heart for what breaks Yours....

..... had a nice lunch with 4 special friends today... celebrating a birthday...always love getting together, sharing our lives and always ending up talking about our best friend... Jesus...
...have been caught up in my own self pity the last few days...Thankfully the Lord does not let me stay there for too long anymore, what a blessing.


These last few months He has been at work in me quite drastically.. taking my eyes off or should I say beyond my church bubble and getting me so excited about serving Him outside this bubble..


I am not saying there is anything wrong with church programs that promote growing up in Him, sound biblical teaching and bible studies.. counseling and mentoring all intended to help us move along on the path that God has laid out for each of us...


But we can't get stuck there, it shouldn't take all our time and energy... after all he called us to go out... share Him with those around us that do not know Him, the ones that struggle with all the same things as we do, broken relationships, illness, hardships in all kinds of areas..meet them where they are... let's forget to try to get them into our nice little bubble where most of them will not feel they fit... but let's go out there and shower them with the love of Christ...


I am thanking God for allowing me to go out in His name, pretty much wherever I go...I am thanking Him for the direction He is leading me.. my heart breaks for what breaks His... for the lost and dying... for the ones that in their struggles that are so common in this world have to face them all alone...


I wish I could perform miracles like Jesus did when He was meeting with the broken people in His time..I can't heal a blind man or raise someone from the dead..
But I can extend a hand, I can allow the love of the Lord flow freely from me to a broken heart and walk alongside them and encourage them as I go..


I can do that wherever God has me...on my street, my grocery store, in Tennessee or in Africa... Can't wait where He will lead me one day but until then I am going to share my Saviour with those that the Lord has for me here....
Once again I am blown away that He would even care to let me be a part in this. There is so much need around us, open our eyes to it Lord... let us not overlook the lost and broken you have put in our path...you didn't overlook us...


Lord let me be a blessing today and every day.... I am safe with you and there are so many that need to find that place of refuge and love. 
I want to be the worker that brings in the harvest with you... use me Lord and forgive me for every day that I am too caught up in what my troubles are... you have overcome them, so can I... I love you... don't even know what to do with this love.. so you better channel it and use it, my dearest friend...to you be the GLORY

A Psalm of Praise and Thanksgiving...

.... I look exhausted my oldest daughter observed... thank you Lord for her ability to pick up on this
...Every time after a total melt down as a response to my cries for help to my Father in heaven, Bekkie and I have had heartfelt communication... thank you Lord for this
....we had a nice and special family (our new / female only family) dinner last night...thank you Lord..
...Bekkie could go and find some refuge with a trusted friend and family...thank you Lord
... we can afford the dentist filling her cavity last night..thank you Lord for Maik being responsible and taking care of the financial needs
... we have a house to live in... You are a good God...Thank you Lord...
... food to eat...You promised you would provide and you are a Promise Keeper, Thank you Lord
... friends who love us...you bless us and you have your people be Christ to us...
... ministry to touch other people's lives..you promised there was a purpose and that You would use us... Thank you Lord...
...The sun came up this morning, Thank you Lord, your mercies are NEW every morning...
....You gave me another song that speaks exactly to my situation, and ministers to my heart... Thank you my Father, I love and appreciate your attention to detail...
...my light and momentary troubles are achieving an eternal glory that far outweighs them all... Thank you Lord, you are faithful
... you saved me by sacrificing your Son, making Him the payment for my sin.... I can never thank you enough for the undeserved gift of salvation through Jesus, the lover of my soul...
.... you are my Lord, my Maker and my Husband...
... you will never leave me or forsake me or my children... Hallelujah....
My heart is full of gratitude.... which leads to joy.... not depending on my circumstances but on WHO You are... I LOVE YOU and PRAISE YOU, now and forever more...
.. As we are walking through a valley of hardship and stress, we fear no evil, your rod and staff they comfort us... you are leading us to quiet waters and you are making sure of one thing... that we will dwell in the house of the Lord every day of our lives...
Because one day in your courts is better than thousands elsewhere..
LOVE YOU, Daddy.....

.... Oh, THANK THE LORD......

I will exalt you, my God the King; 
       I will praise your name for ever and ever.
 Every day I will praise you 
       and extol your name for ever and ever.


 Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; 
       his greatness no one can fathom.


 One generation will commend your works to another; 
       they will tell of your mighty acts.


 They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, 
       and I will meditate on your wonderful works. [b]


 They will tell of the power of your awesome works, 
       and I will proclaim your great deeds.


 They will celebrate your abundant goodness 
       and joyfully sing of your righteousness.


 The LORD is gracious and compassionate, 
       slow to anger and rich in love.


 The LORD is good to all; 
       he has compassion on all he has made.


  All you have made will praise you, O LORD; 
       your saints will extol you.


  They will tell of the glory of your kingdom 
       and speak of your might,


  so that all men may know of your mighty acts 
       and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.


  Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, 
       and your dominion endures through all generations. 
       The LORD is faithful to all his promises 
       and loving toward all he has made.


  The LORD upholds all those who fall 
       and lifts up all who are bowed down.


  The eyes of all look to you, 
       and you give them their food at the proper time.


  You open your hand 
       and satisfy the desires of every living thing.


  The LORD is righteous in all his ways 
       and loving toward all he has made.
 The LORD is near to all who call on him, 
       to all who call on him in truth.


  He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; 
       he hears their cry and saves them.


  The LORD watches over all who love him, 
       but all the wicked he will destroy.


  My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. 
       Let every creature praise his holy name 
       for ever and ever.


Mourning will last for a night....but your mercies are new EVERY MORNING...

...giving up?

... the question is... when you are looked upon as a mature Christian, so many are so in awe about how wonderfully you are dealing with all the disaster curve balls life has thrown you, how close you are to the Lord and how strong your faith is... can you let on how sick and tired you are of having to be just this person sometimes?
When everything comes crushing down on you AGAIN... when your daughter called her dad, the one that gave her the example of what to do when the going gets tough which would be to walk away... when she calls him and asks him to pick her up because she can't stand it in your house anymore because since all this happened you only care about yourself and you are basically the worst mother there is?
When the day before you had to listen to that new life the man that promised to stay with you until death do us part, is living with his new love AND your children which leaves you not only without a man who loves you but ALL ALONE...
When all you have been doing for the last year is being on your knees and trying so hard to hold on and not loose it... when you are as lonely as can be and it all is so unfair... when you are not even allowed to engage in a new relationship because you are a Christian and even though you had no say in all of this you now again have to be the one that does things right......
Can you voice those feelings even though you know that God is faithful and that being obedient keeps you under the umbrella of protection of the all loving and all knowing God you love so dearly and passionately.... even though you know that all you have to do is run to Him and find all you need?
Can you admit that not always do you act upon that knowledge that you have ingrained in your heart, soul and mind...that sometimes you need to vent and just want to run away yourself... stop doing what is right and go for what your heart longs for... the acceptance and love of a man... flesh and blood... someone to stand by you when like right now all is falling apart and running away  is so enticing..someone who cares about YOU.... because it seems no one does... no one. 
Can you tell people that... or should you figure things out and then come forward and praise God for His faithfulness and stay silent about your faithlessness.... well, I am feeling like I want to just walk away... faithless and ungrateful...selfish and needy...looking for what I need.. not what is right..
The truth is I won't, because thanks to my Lord and Saviour I know better, He has made it clear to me that as much as my human nature inside of me screams to QUIT doing what is right, this would be the worst thing I could do.
He gives me the ability to keep on keeping on when everything in me wants to give up....
Thanks to the Lord I am not really selfish, I am not really just going to go for what feels right at the moment... thanks to only Him and His grace was I able to hug my daughter and tell her how much I love her before she left.... thanks to only Him and His grace will I go on with my life and continue to try to do what is right... thanks to Him alone will I stay under the umbrella of His authority and will obey Him cheerfully....
But right now ... my question is, can I let you know, that I am sick and tired of having to be the one that continues to do what is right...

....He was there....

..there once was a girl....she didn't get the attention of her Dad.. he was far too busy to take the time to know her.. she was growing up ... she was longing for love and affection.
there was a man. He was a friend of the family. he was a frequent guest at the home. even when the parents were not there. He was a lot older than her, more than double her age.
He had a problem, but she did not know about that. She was naive and young. She was vulnerable. so in time, this man started to show interest and affection to the young girl.. she was flattered... he lured her to his place, he did things that scared her. he pressured her and violated her.  He made her feel guilty by telling her she was the only one that could help him overcome his problem. she feared for her innocence and her life.
But then, she got away. she told someone and she was safe from the man.
Looking back she knows that even then, when she didn't know about Him, He was there protecting her from the ultimate  harm that could have been inflicted on her.
He was keeping her safe. He healed her. the scars remain. 
as He was there and protected her from destruction, He still allowed her to be hurt .. today she can understand and help those that are dealing with similar things...bring the comfort she has found in Him to them. this is how He works. this is how much He cares. this is how He loves all that have been given to Him by the Father.
Come and find refuge in the shelter of His wings...you are not alone....

..... forever cherish....

This morning,
seeking Him where He can be found...
in His precious Word, my precious Jesus..
this is what my soul sings.... ( Thank you Steve Bell)


Deep calls to deep
And my soul finds no resting place but Him
He is my God
The yearning of my soul His touch can still
And each rare moment
I felt His presence
I shall remember
And forever cherish


Deep calls to deep
For he created me to be His own
He understands
The joy and pain of life He too has known
And each rare moment
I felt His presence
I shall remember
And forever cherish


Deep calls to deep
And at His feast I am a welcomed guest
He gives me food
The hunger of my soul is laid to rest
And each rare moment
I felt His presence
I shall remember
And forever cherish


AS I am resting in the shadow of His wings, 
as His unfailing love fills my heart this morning..
I shall remember and forever cherish. AMEN

...a prayer at your feet.....

Lord... tonite, I laid my future down....
I laid my dreams down.... 
I laid my wishes down....
my plans, I laid them down at your feet... 
because you are all I need.
I laid my mistakes down.... 
my own ideas... 
I was running again, running ahead of you... 
I laid my foolish heart down...
I want to dwell at your feet and never leave....
WHY do I always make the same mistakes...
 follow my foolish heart... 
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it.
How come I fall for it ...
Hold me tight... Hold me and never let me go..
You are all I need... YOU ARE ALL I NEED!

Praise you in the storm.....

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down 
and wiped our tears away, 
stepped in and saved the day. 
But once again, I say amen 
and it's still raining 
as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away. 


And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 


I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again 
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 
if I can't find You 
and as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away



And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

And even if the storm will never end here... I will praise you forevermore, because I love you with all my soul, heart and mind....

Casting Crowns - Slow Fade