during these 3 weeks, (remember he had already told me he didn't love me anymore, just after the Lord had filled my heart with that totally unselfish love for him..she, invited by me, her always supportive and compassionate cousin, was here because I wanted to provide refuge to her while her husband was cheating on her.. get that.... Satan definitely had his hands in this....oh... and she was my Maid of Honor)
okay so during these 3 weeks I fervently prayed every minute of every day.... he denied there was anyone else, but then I would find the two of them alone, him arranging for them to spend time together alone doing stuf, I wanted to trust him but also felt weird about all this, asked him not to do that. One day she sent pictures that I had taken of her to him, while sitting across from me, sitting on my couch, using my old laptop, to my husband... I didn't know.... it was a nightmare..
a week before she left I had some inkling and checked his laptop- I guess I should mention that throughout all this time I was trying really hard to show my love to him, no matter what, I also prayed that God would allow me to trust him but if there was something going on to show me, to bring to light what was hiding in the darkness-... so checking his laptop I found the e-mails with the pictures of her that I had taken ...
confronted him... he denied it meant anything... talked to her, she denied it meant anything.... so there I was...kind of wanting to deny it too... but at the same time my stomach was tightening up even more... the only release I found was when alone, praying and listening once again to my Michael W Smith CD... this time Healing Rain was the song for me....Healing rain is falling down, Healing rain is falling down, I am not afraid, I am not afraid...
oh how mysterious are the ways the Lord ministers to our hearts... He gave us music to touch our souls in the moments of greatest needs.. I was drowning in my circumstances, praying constantly, too frantic and frazzled to be able to do it on my own.. one of those times when we cannot even find the words but only utter "Help me Jesus".... this song gave me hope... and gave me the courage to live, minute by minute holding on to Him.... Oh Lord you are my only Hope...
going to New York like planned a while before with my girls for the last weekend she was here in Canada.... crazy, leaving them here, alone, going to New York where I had been many times with him, only ever with him, only by God's grace and His loving care for me was I able to not ruin this for my girls... my heart knew...my mind didn't want to know... my soul was grieving....God sustained me...His healing rain falling down on me, giving me what I needed not to lose it and to be able to hold on...to the hope that only He can give..
looking back, a year later, this doesn't send me in a panic anymore. I know that the Lord was in control even over the things that 2 people that were not only totally ignoring Him and His commands but also the pain they were inflicting on 4 people they supposedly loved and cared about were doing... He allowed them to take us all to a higher level of trust in Him.. because even then, we were Held by the God of the Universe, Almighty God, Our Redeemer and King... the Lover of our souls who will never let us down... Praise be to Him both now and forever more....... to be continued.....
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