... fill the void.....

.... wouldn't  it  be so great if we just could hibernate.... crawl into bed and hide and stay there until all wounds have healed and a nice new layer of healthy skin has grown over  the holes... no longer any evidence left of what has been ripped apart...
... if you think about it, had I been in a car wreck... and really for sure you can compare wrecking a family to a car accident... I would be in the hospital and then in rehab until all healed and ready to enter the real world again..
so, if I could just stay in the presence of the healing power of Jesus and not have to go on living my daily life, maybe I would be healing better, more consistently.
I feel pathetic and self absorbed to talk about the ongoing struggles, but then there are some that say it helps them, knowing that they are not alone in their troubles..
... just now, when driving to the church to pick up my little one from Youth group I had tears streaming down my face again and just pleaded with my Lord to please meet me in a different way... it's just not working, the up and downs,  so tiring and frustrating...

I need Him to permanently fix my lonely, rejected heart... my heart that is too vulnerable and so tossed  about like a little boat in a storm... I am pleading for His Spirit to wash over me and fill me in a way He never has... to transform my foolish, foolish heart that still falls for human attention instead of only relying on His love... so foolish, it sickens me...
So now, I am going to go to my bedroom and in the loneliness of it I am going to cry out until He meets me... I know that He will.... .......maybe I just need to stay there for a time....
...... maybe even  for a season...