.. I find you on my knees....

this morning I had to get up real early to take my little daughter to the airport to go away for a few days with her Dad.. lucky duck... now, I am sitting at Starbucks ( me the country girl, how exciting) my macbook on my lap, like it is so fitting for a laptop ;) waiting to meet someone for a tea... actually that would be a Soy Tazo Chai for me..
hate traffic and hate snow and cold and yucky...
thankful I do not usually have to get on the road every day to get to work... a leisurely 3 min drive through little Georgetown is my "commute".. very blessed I have to say..
driving on the Highway just now I was listening to the new CD from Kari Jobe, downloaded it from iTunes 3 minutes after it became available... beautiful songs, once again touching my soul..

one should think that after yesterday's "High" I would have been in a great place today,
truth is that the last few days have had me look at some really deep stuff...
giving up my own will, realizing that contentment needs to be found in who God is, His character , His Goodness, His Faithfulness, His Mercy and Love... that I cannot try and make a deal with Him... "I am going to work real hard on being godly and try to make myself think that the grass on my side is as green as the one beyond the fence... and then I will gain what I am wishing for"... foolishness... SERIOUSLY..

contentment includes to be content no matter what He will have for me... to be WITH Him in any circumstance, even the one that has me lonely and longing for companionship every night when I am alone..
I am striving for contentment and godliness which equals great gain... but HE gets to decide how that great gain looks...
giving up my idea of what "great gain" really means... ( a godly, loving and COOL husband) is very hard.. it fills my heart with fear.. realizing that it means I have to embrace whatever pain and suffering is included I want to say "No, thanks"... it's like me trying to forgo having to go to the dentist... which never works... you just end up having real pain.. even more, just a little later.. there.. it is just not working..
really, I am only fooling myself into thinking I had a say... I need to surrender, I need to accept where I am and what my future will hold is in God's hands.. and if I really believe that He is my best friend, the One that loves me perfectly and will never forsake me, what is the big deal?
It is giving up my own will... even if this is only an illusion anyways.. thy will not mine be done.. and resting in it.. accepting that sharing in the suffering of Christ is part of the deal...
 So thankful that Kari puts it like this in her new song:

Trouble chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God I'm looking for your

Weary just won't let me rest

And fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God I'm longing for you

But I will

Find you in the place I'm in

Find you when I'm at my end

Find you when there's

Nothing left of me to offer you

Except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I'm lost and searching

I find you on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith

What if heartache still remains

I'll trust you

My god I'll trust you

'cause you are faithful

And I will

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When  it's hard to heal.

When my faith is shaken

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God I know that you lift me up

You never leave me searching

AMEN

..Life affirming choices and Superheroes....

my great buddy and friend just said I could now get my Super Hero Cape... she obviously is suffering from some form of sleep deprivation or something...
truth is.. today a young woman made a life affirming choice after finding out she was pregnant... circumstances more than tough and still, she decided to carry this baby to term..
I am amazed and I think if anyone should get a Super Hero Cape it would be her..
I am thankful to God for bringing her our way.. for her to see our brochure at a "Help" agency and call... takes guts and I am proud of her..
sounds like her life has been rather hard so far and I am so thankful we can help her along the way..
this is what it is all about and how amazing is God to allow us to come alongside her and support her in any way we can!
was struggling this morning about if I should blog and announce  that so far no one has come to our Young Mom's Drop in... or the Free Prenatal class... felt like a failure, even though I know better..
it takes time to get the word out and we are not some big city with so many pregnant young girls.. thankfully these two classes might not be that needed at this moment... or the ones that need it just haven't heard.. yet.... the Drop in will be there from now on every Tuesday night... the Prenatal class we will just offer again in a couple of months..
so this morning, praying and proclaiming our trust in the Lord and the plan He has for this ministry.. that waiting on Him could be waiting for a long time.... and all that...didn't He just have a surprise for us... AMAZING... the phone rang and there we were...
Praising Him for allowing us to give from the abundance He has blessed us with.. to share His love and care...
oh.. I am still single... yeah... forgot about that.. funny how that goes... many more thoughts on that one.. but that will have to wait.. for now.. we are rejoicing!!!!!!!!!

..shooting the messenger?? NO WAY!!!!

today I had to ask for forgiveness for something I did last week...

last Sunday in church I felt resentful towards my pastor for what I usually, for  almost 14 years now, admire about him so much..

he has gotten so much flak for preaching the Word, the Truth as it is communicated in the scriptures.. I have heard him say many times "I am the messenger, don't get mad at me"

I didn't get mad, but I resented that someone, who clearly didn't know at all what he was talking about, could, like it seemed to me "dismiss" something so easily that I have found so very, very difficult...

truth is, and I knew that all along that in fact he was just doing what he always so faithfully does, he was speaking truth into my life, from God's Word to my heart..

I guess in 14 years nothing has ever touched such a tender spot in me like this topic did..

as he ended the sermon last week with something like "being single is a blessing" I turned around and told my best friend "I am not feeling blessed at all"... * felt like stomping off like a little stubborn 2 year old*

since then, for 7 days now, I have chosen to thank God for my singleness, like I shared in my last blog...

and once again, my God is not disappointing me... once again, taking a step towards Him in obedience is rewarded with Him showing me things I wasn't able to see before...

I am indeed blessed to be single, not only because of the things , so very substantial and important, that my pastor spoke about... things like being able to serve Him more, focus on pleasing Him because I am not distracted by having and wanting to please a spouse... 

it is so much more than this.. truth is, He has been protecting me and will not stop until the time is right... actually he never will stop protecting me, but He is the one that has made sure I am single still, because, truth is, with a teenager who is still struggling so much with the fallout of the divorce, more tears about this again last night, a man and potential stepfather would have complicated an already challenging time.. for her and for me...

He has been protecting me from myself... and I know that full well... somehow I will have to develop more self discipline... have to learn how to hold back and wait for that man God has for me to pursue me and woo me.. not to jump in too early, like it is my habit of doing...

I am not there yet and He knows it.. duh....

this morning, with all my kids and all my doggies in my bed with me, I thanked God that I did not have to worry if a "new husband" would be okay with the way it got a little crowded.... I LOVED it...

last night's Birthday dinner with them was a wonderful treat... again... between the four of us we can just be ourselves and I enjoy this SO much...

so today, after this amazing man of God had preached the truth once again I made sure I went to him and asked him to forgive me for getting "mad" at the messenger... I thanked him for allowing the Lord to use him once again to communicate to me.. it was hard for me to hear, but it was necessary... another step taken on the journey of my life... 

48 years old tomorrow and a little wiser... thanks to a pastor who takes his "job" very seriously and does not shy away from speaking the truth, no matter what kind of response he gets...

.. no more tears...

okay.. so  I didn't like this week's passage, didn't like the fact that I was supposed to feel blessed to be single..SERIOUSLY??? I am supposed to embrace singleness, as I am called to be content in all circumstances... well.. tough.. I have been fighting this tooth and nails for a long time..

at the same time I am feeling blessed, I know me feeling lonely is something that really has not much to do with my circumstances, but more with a longing that has never been fulfilled..  in my marriage or now, literally alone...a longing for a closeness and intimacy, an eternal love and security..

I know that I am blessed because I can serve my Lord without having to worry about pleasing my husband. I am not using up my energy trying to keep the peace in a house full of tension.... I don't have to worry if my husband will be okay with what  I and the children are doing, if we are going to be living up to his expectations..and the list goes on..

I am blessed because I know that He is who He says He is... He is my shelter, He loves me and will never forsake me, I know this better now than I did 3 years ago..

I am blessed because there are so many possibilities and opportunities that were not there before..

and still... the loneliness..

in my little Bible Study group with two VERY special friends this afternoon I read something from
"So long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore... and as I was reading it, it brought tears to my eyes..

" God does not take lightly that some of us were raised in a veritable madhouse. He does not take lightly that some of us have been mentally berated, or physically beaten or sexually abused or simply abandoned.... He knows that it is scary to be us..
Son of David, have mercy on us.. it is almost too much to bear here at times Lord, no wonder we are insecure..
The thunder crashes in the heavens, and the earth grows dark in the middle of the afternoon, and a man, beaten to a bloody pulp, cries from a cross between two thieves, "it is finished!" Because He did, one day God will wipe away every tear from the eyes of those who trusted Him, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will pass away and all our hardship will be finished...

tonite at my Cell group meeting I told my accountability group that this is my action step from this day forward, actually I started it on Sunday already:
I am going to start my day each day from now on by thanking my Lord for my singleness..
I will thank Him for 3 specific things I can think of each day.. I am praying that this over time will change my attitude and allow me to be content..

... you have NO idea...

was reminded of something very significant yesterday... we can never know how something difficult feels until we have experienced it for ourselves... and even then we still might not have any idea, since every situation is different..

during the last 2 years I have had people say things to me that definitely were meant well... and what they said offended me, then I have had self-centred people say stuff to me, comparing their situation to mine when it could not be compared.. making statements about how I should feel... not helpful...

yesterday someone I love very much said something about my situation and all I could think was "you have no idea"....

rather than being upset about this I am choosing to learn a lesson... even when meaning really well, I should never assume I have any idea what the other person is going through... I need to be careful what I say... what kind of advice I am offering... 

my wonderful friend and partner is travelling to Uganda this week... in preparation for this trip her and her husband have asked for prayer that they would do just that.. that they wouldn't assume they could understand what the people they will meet are going through...  they will minister to children that have been forced to be child soldiers, women that have not only lost their husbands in the war but have been raped and tortured.. people without hope..

their prayer is to just communicate the love and the hope of Jesus.. relying on Him to give them the wisdom for when to say what... and when to just offer compassion and support..

I am convinced God is going to use them in a mighty way... as they are willing to serve Him wherever and in whatever way, trusting Him one hundred percent...

what was said yesterday was meant well, but it didn't give me any new or helpful advice.. it made me feel even more alienated...I  am sure I could have easily said the same thing before I ended up where I am today...  I definitely will try very hard never to come across as if I was trivializing other people's pain and struggles... I will try to be sensitive and careful... it's called empathy.. once again relying on Him to help me with that..

..unmarried.. not by choice...

....Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”  But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  I say this as a concession, not as a command.  I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.  But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion....
(1 Corinthians 7:1-9)

this week's passage.. have known this one very well for a very long time..  my situation has changed, and sorry, I have to say it again, but I never thought it would... and so this week so far I have tried to avoid  dwelling on it.. the thing is though I just can't...

always having embraced the teaching in this passage wholeheartedly , the last verse is now what is directed to me.. I am the "unmarried" or even the"widow" in some sense... sucks, is all I can say..

not sure how to reconcile this with the calling to be content in all circumstances, to trust and be obedient no matter what's happening around us.. interesting to see that Paul acknowledged there could be something like a burning passion being too much of a temptation to stand up against.. then again it says we will never be tempted by more than we can handle ... self control, a fruit of the spirit... and still... he says, better get married than to burn with passion and subsequently sin... ha... not that easy..

not a decision to be made by just one... thinking about this, and what I am longing for, a man that loves the Lord like I do, a man that would be the spiritual leader, who I could learn from and who would be as excited about what the Lord is doing as I am, a man that loves me  and cherishes me, accepts me and is willing to stand by me for the rest of our lives here no matter what.. someone able to feel as deeply as I do, someone who knows what forgiveness is and knows how to give it and receive it.. someone who will be good to my children and who will understand my background and will be familiar with the kind of life I have had all along... so this week, getting a little depressed, I wondered what made me think that there will be a man like this... truth is, the only few I know that are like this are committed, married men... and I am rejoicing for them and their wives...  so, I would love to be married so that I would not be tempted, but unless God brings this man into my life it will be just me.....

so really, I need to focus on some other scriptures.. those about obedience, self control and trust... hope.. and focusing on what is eternal, not temporal... living in the temporal my eyes sometimes wander... and then I get sad and hopeless...
so, for all my married friends... live this passage, embrace it, both men and women... lest Satan will tempt you..  and we all know where this leads.. give yourself lovingly to your spouse... after all, it is a great gift, designed by God.. and all that comes from Him is GOOD...

... he has come to steal, kill and destroy...

Salzburg, Austria... this is a picture of the open-air theatre on the front stairs of the Salzburg cathedral... one of the plays that has been performed there during the time of the Salzburg Festival held every summer, since 1920 is the play "Jedermann" ( Everyman) from Hugo von Hofmannsthal...
it must have been in 1990 that I had the privilege to see this play right there with my family..
Jedermann, a rich and stingy man ( like the Scrooge: cold-hearted, tight-fisted and greedy ) who is visited by Death, announcing that he will come and get him soon....I don't remember all the details anymore but what stayed with me was that Jedermann at one point in time sells his soul to the devil in order to have a long and prosperous life.. at the end of his life though he is a miserable, cold hearted man who is tormented by Satan, who owns his soul... before Death finally takes him he has to stand before his Maker and is held accountable for the choices he made in his life.. in the play he repents, makes amends and is forgiven..

remembering that even then I saw the relevance of this "morality play" ... so very relevant .. I guess that's why the main character is called "Everyman"....

Jedermann is a rich guy and confronted with the choice who he will worship, he chooses money / the devil... rather than God..

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money... ( Luke 16:13)

deciding to serve "money" instead of God... not sure if people are even aware they are making that choice.. a need for significance is the driving force behind it.. materialism is just one of the things that play right into this.. if I want more and more and more I eventually find myself in a place where I am deciding against what God in His wisdom has put up as limits and rules....I will end up lying, cheating and betraying because of greed ...

all of that has been happening all around me and what made me think about this today is how sad it is that Satan eventually will come and demand his "payment".. while there might have been many years of bliss because of all that money can buy, eventually and this is a sure thing, Satan will have fun torturing the ones he tricked into serving money, instead of realizing their need for a relationship with God..

to watch a "Jedermann" who had found his identity solely in what he accomplished and owned get old, depressed and empty... the cold heart lonely and shrivelled away... is very, very sad...
praying that for the ones I am thinking of right now there will still be a happy ending.. like in the play, I pray that God would step in and make them take a good look at the decisions they made..
that they would recognize their need for something money cannot buy... something they cannot control or manipulate, something that only requires a contrite and broken spirit, a spirit that acknowledges the need for a Saviour and will accept the gift of forgiveness gladly...
there are no u-hauls behind a hearse... eternal significance is only found in a relationship with God...
not in power, position or possessions...

let's be on guard ... Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour... ( 1 Peter 5:8 )

... filthy rags..

..two full weeks and my 48th year of life will come to an abrupt end.. I will turn 48... pretty old I would say... and the 49th year of my life will begin..
it's the way my Grandmother used to always say it and I thought I am going to share this with you.. :)

48 is almost 50 and I hear that life will really begin once you are turning 50... works for me..
all kidding aside I am so very thankful for where God has me at the end of this my 48th year...

He has given me 3 wonderful daughters, who like I put it today talking about them to a friend, are my most treasured and cherished human beings... then there are my puppies, and you are guessing it, they would be my most cherished and treasured animals.. :D

He has blessed me by filling my life with wonderful friends, brothers and sisters in Christ that bring so much joy to my every day ..  renewed and restored relationships with extended family members, a blessing indeed...

passionate about life and all that it is about He has given me a true purpose..
He has freed me from most of my fears.. ( I am no longer hiding from my dentist, or try to get out of obligations that had me get on a plane...)

most of all I am blessed though to have been walking closely with my best friend for the last almost 18 years.. Jesus , God's son and God Himself, He has been faithful and full of love.. He has gently nudged me and stretched me and transformed me, pointing out weaknesses without condemnation, but with love.. supplying the means for change, He is the One that has to be praised for anything in me that is not as bad as it was before.. because..all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags.. ( Isaiah 64 : 6) ..for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God ( Romans 3: 23)

confronted with a real weakness that has come to the forefront only in the last year or so, I again had to go to Him for the strength to change, for Him to change me, because I am not able to do this on my own..
I am frustrated about myself and was reminded again just how HUGE and unending His love for me is..

the area in Germany I grew up in there is a saying,... it says that a "Swabian" ( someone born in Swabia... ) suddenly becomes wise when turning 40... maybe there is hope for an almost 50 year old uprooted German in Canada... let's see what God is going to do....

.. sold out to Jesus...

sunshine and crisp air, actually a nice winter day in Georgetown Ontario.... church today again, I love the routine of it and the newness of it every Sunday morning..

love worshipping together with this church family.. for almost 14 years now... feel so at home and accepted and loved..
challenged by our faithful pastor, who boldly speaks the truth, not afraid to call sin a sin and be used by God to point out where we need to take a closer look...

as we do in this church of ours,  we study and meditate on one passage throughout the week, come together one night as a small group to share what God has been saying to us through it, and then on Sunday our pastor preaches about this exact passage...

so for this week....

I am not going to write about sexual sin anymore and how we must flee from it..
I am not going to go on about the fact that He has bought us, His children, for a price..
I am not going to point out that we are here to bring glory to Him ...
or that we need to be totally committed.. that we need to give all of us to His service, faithfully relying on Him, seeking Him out, so that He can make us holy, like He is holy...

for all of us, that know Him, and what He has done for us, we need to commit ourselves to living a life that represents Him well to those arounds us.. allow Him to be Lord of all areas of our lives.. no matter what we are struggling with, we need to be authentic , admit our weakness to each other and with the help of the Holy Spirit overcome it... because with Him we can.. after all, we can be confident of this, that he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6)

Blessed beyond measure again today.. ready for a new week, standing firm in my faith and excited to find out what He will have for me this week....

#SoliDeoGloria

.... real hurt... real love...

... this whole jet lag thing has bothered me on this trip like never before... it results in a lack of sleep, when over there, not able to sleep, back here, up so early... well, eventually it will all get back to normal, right?

anyways, there is good in this because I am up so early, I can easily get my personal time with the Lord in and do everything I need to do and still am so ahead of myself ;)

still meditating on 1 Corinthians 6: 12-20...


Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything.  “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food”—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.  By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also.  Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!  Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
  Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

I love the way the amazing person that puts the SCC books together gives us 2 different Bible versions right there in the book... today something struck me... in the New Living Translation it says: "for God bought you at a high price".....

ha, a high price.. made me think...
yesterday I met with my dear Ex husband and driving away from that meeting I was in awe at what He, my Saviour  is doing... sitting there I am filled with the love of Christ for this man..  all is fine and we can talk like friends... this is a miracle, because the hurt was real, the betrayal was huge, the cuts so very deep... and yet, the healing has come and the love of Christ is there...

it is almost like I paid a high price, and I am aware of it, but Christ and His love wins...
so.... when I, even though I am Christ's and He is in me, sin against Him by behaving immorally, the hurt I inflict on my Saviour is real, the betrayal is huge, the cuts are deep... and yet, He loves me with that love that is immeasurable...

do I want to do that? the answer is NO..... he paid such a high price by His willingness to suffer for all the sins I have and will commit... do I want to knowingly add more to those????????
How could I even consider this? I am not considering this.... so there..

so no new revelation... but, He just used some different wording and a meeting to drive His point even deeper into my soul..... I just love Him!!!!

... black and white...

it is a new year and even though I am not into New Years resolutions and this kind of stuff, this morning during my time with the Lord I found myself journaling about something I need to be faithful about...

finding myself on the dating "market" I have been confronted with issues I never ever wanted to have anything to do with anymore...

becoming a Christian during my relationship with my Ex I have not been in this situation before... committed to following Him and all He tells us to do and not to do, applied now to the area of dating...difficult in this world, pretty much almost 20 years after the last time I was entering a new relationship, without the loving boundaries set up by the Father...

I am a different person all together.. and yet.. still in the "flesh" now struggling with that on a never foreseen level..

passionate and affectionate like I am, I needed to once again affirm with my Jesus this morning that I am fully aware that because of His Spirit in me, I am part if Him... I have been bought at a price and I am not my own.. my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit which is a gift from God...
so.. as much as I am committed to Soli Deo Gloria.. to God alone be the glory in all that I do.. I have to apply it to this part of my life as well..

I know it and I have been striving to be obedient... I also know so much better now that without totally relying on Him I am not able to pull this off..
pouring my heart out to Him this morning I was filled with a deeper understanding of what having been redeemed really means... I have no choice... I do not want to have a choice, I am His and I have to be obedient in EVERYTHING...

I learned this well in other areas of my life.. forgiveness for example...  submission to authority.. this just is  a new area where obedience needs to be applied..

I am so thankful for His Word.. it is so clear and black and white... flee from sexual immorality... no ifs or buts... how could we ever interpret this any other way...
purity it has to be....  there is no gain in indulging ourselves in immediate gratification... it is empty and destructive... staying under the umbrella of His authority is where blessings will flow... oh how much I love Him, by His strength and guidance I will please Him in this area as in all the other ones He has gently shown me...

...a new adventure with the Faithful One.. 2012!!!

January 1, 2012.....

fell asleep sometime last night.. long before midnight... so the New Year kind of surprised me this morning when waking up at 5 am, more like 11 am where my body clock is still anchored..

my two puppies sharing my wonderful king sized bed with me...so cuddly they are... white and fluffy..

So last night, watched a few episodes of my newly discovered tv series online... prayed.. for a long time...it was the last day of a year that, again, had many ups and downs.. scares and exciting events..

in it all, my God has been an awesome God, no surprises here... finally coming out of a second wave of deep sadness over the break up of my marriage in the beginning of 2011, my mother became horrendously ill and we almost lost her.. God was faithful and healed her, restored her to full health... a miracle..

preparations for Hope for Life took up most of the spring and summer and we finally opened October 17, 2011...  my faithful God at work again, confirming His calling and leading us all the way..

a health scare for my youngest...  a mass in her kidney... no longer to be detected by a CT Scan a few weeks later.. God is faithful..

the "Wedding" of the one who promised to never leave.. (in good and in bad times) to a "new"wife... stress for my children, a difficult few months leading up to this, trying to be the mother they needed me to be... faithfully God brought us through this as well...
showering me with His love by orchestrating a getaway and a personal encounter with His biggest instrument in my healing journey.. Michael W Smith, on the day of my Ex's wedding...
faithful and exhilaratingly loving... AMAZING He is...

more conflict in my "birth" family... peace throughout it all and small little steps to a resolution... maybe??? God has been faithful... even here...

the last day of the year, spend with one of my beloved daughters until she left to celebrate New Years with her friends...

walking with Him through 2011 was amazing, faith deepened, my relationship with Him closer than ever before... thanking Him for His Love, Mercy and Grace... even for allowing my whole world to break apart a little over 2 years ago... because not only has there been beauty in the turmoil... there has been Beauty from the Ashes... and only He, the Faithful One, could bring that about..

so 2012.. no matter what it will bring... for sure will find me relying on my Faithful God, the Lover of my Soul, who has marvellous plans for me... to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope ( that will never disappoint) and a future... with Him... for eternity...

Blessings to you my friends... HE ROCKS!!!!! #SoliDeoGloria

..reflection...

wrote this yesterday:
on the plane, somewhere over Quebec, about an hour left on this flight..
listening to music on my iPad , thinking about the last 2 weeks and tomorrow night, with the music making it's way deep into my soul..
wondering if it is a blessing or a curse to feel as deeply as I do... I always have.......sometimes I think it would be easier to be more superficial, able to compartmentalize, not to be sooo in touch with my feelings... must be less exhausting, then again, I would never want to trade my deep feelings of joy, of closeness with God and with people for something else... if I was not feeling things like I do I wouldn't have the deep connections I have with the people I love...
learned a while ago that this is called the "affection of Jesus", so really, it is a gift rather than a curse, yes, definitely a blessing... the deep sadness is what comes with it, the price that has to be paid.... I guess it is like roses have thorns...
believing that God put our personalities together on purpose, for a purpose, I am okay with the way I feel pain..
reflecting on the last 2 weeks... with a thankful attitude.. I can say that it was very nice at times, definitely lots of time to relax and read, fun with the kids and good times even as a big family... the conflicts definitely less than other times..thanks be to God, ... so over all it was a good trip...  it remains a fact that in this world we will have troubles, but He definitely has overcome the world...
it was nice to be able to spend time in this corner of the world, beautiful mountains, sunshine and snow.. skiing still works.. ;) definitely enjoyed  that everyone was healthy and we did not have to spend our days in the hospital like the last 2 times I was there, such a blessing my mother’s health has been restored, another reason to thank God......
a few more days and life will be back to normal, looking forward to going back to work, daily prayer meetings with my beloved sisters in Christ... tons to do ..and that  is a very good thing..... He is blessing me... and I am so thankful....

it is morning right now in Canada..after a night in my own bed... I am praising God... because He is worthy to be praised... that will NEVER change..

... regrets....

thinking this morning about choices... good ones, and bad ones... ones we didn't know would be bad ones and only later found out they were, some that were bad, made knowingly... those are really bad... :(
wondering if there are people in this world that have no regrets?
I have many.
thinking about it this morning because my girls took off to see some "new family"... step-relatives that have been added to their number of relatives just this summer..
on their way here they visited another Step family and with all the talk about all those other families, I was assaulted by a huge wave of regret...
I am so sorry I have put my two oldest girls in such a situation... step families galore... at least the youngest only has one... I so wanted to have avoided this... :(
bad choices.. uneducated, selfish choices on my part.. emotional, unwise choices...  there is the reality that God has forgiven me for those and that some of today's circumstances have not been my choice... but still..
reality is that I am back where I did not want to be... truth is that I got married early for all kinds of reasons, one was to distance myself from my birth family, find security through a husband.. another was because I needed to have my replacement child... needed to know if I could have one.. because I had an abortion when I was 20 years old...
walked away from this marriage... stupidly thinking I must have chosen the wrong man... and that there had to be happiness somewhere else... selfish and immature...
3 months later I stepped into something out of fear I would never ever meet anyone again and got swallowed up in something that was unwise.. emotional, passionate choices....
this time I stuck it out, I really loved, deeply convicted by the God who during this relationship had opened my eyes that divorce is WRONG.... not my choice in the end..

looks like I am back where I wanted to escape from 25 years ago... in the folds of my original family.. not giving any security but rather heartache and twisted dysfunction..

tomorrow I am leaving, and I am thankful for many things.. that this trip was not as bad as others have been , that the huge nuclear explosion was averted ( at least for now) .. I am thankful that I am not looking  to them for security anymore but that I know the truth that my security lies in the fact that I am a child of the Father in Heaven...
coming home into my small little abode will be like a haven of peace... spending New Years Eve all by myself... sad, lonely, but at least no attacks that hurt so deeply... I will let myself sink into the embrace of my Father and soak up His Love and Grace and Mercy...
can't wait to get on that plane..

.... reconciliation...

the birth of Christ... God in His sovereignty sent His Son in the fulness of time to come and live a sinless life on earth.... what happened on the cross was the purpose of Christ's life ... redeeming, paying the price for His people, paying for the sins of all those who would believe, predestined by the Father, saved for a purpose.... His purpose was to reconcile us to the Father ... pardoned, forgiven by what He did..

Reconciliation... this is what our faith is all about...

this is what the dictionary says:..the reestablishing of cordial relations

the act of reconciling parties at variance; renewal of friendship after disagreement or enmity.

as Christians we cannot not forgive... no matter what has been done to us.. we cannot thankfully accept Christ's forgiveness and not extend it to others... if we really understood that we needed to be forgiven and this is not just knowledge stored away in our brains but felt in our hearts... how can we keep it from those that sinned against us... not easy to live this way... yesterday it was something I had to do... again... another very deep cut... inflicted by one that just shouldn't do that... but... no matter the circumstances, if I want to be a representative of my Lord, if I want to be sure I am truly saved I have to forgive... and take a step to reconcile.. no matter if the one that hurt me doesn't even think she need forgiveness.....

reconciliation brings peace and restores relationships... wisdom, given by God, also advices to establish boundaries and sometimes it is not wise to reconcile... other times though, like in this relationship the hope that Christ will use this to break through calloused hearts makes reconciliation essential...

peace, even if it is only on a superficial level has been restored by the strength and the grace God has given me... reflecting on this I am once again in awe and filled with an inexpressible joy... He is all and more He ever promised to be.... that makes Him very unique and worthy to be praised... :)

.... Oh Lord have mercy on me....

Domine deus miserere mei

( Oh Lord have mercy on me)

Carry me away

From the dark I fear

When the storm is near

From the endless night

From my blinded sight

To a sky of light

Free me to fly away

Salva me

(Save me)

Carry me away

From the things that harm

On a sea of calm

From the endless night

From my blinded sight

To a sky of light

Free me to fly away

Salva me

..this world, such a dark place... sunshine, beautiful nature, history and culture, good food, nice things... and yet.. so dark... pain and suffering... free me to fly away... 

Jesus in the garden praying... when darkness threatened to overwhelm even Him... this is who He thought of.. and this is what He prayed..

I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world.  My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.  Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.  For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified..... He also prayed:

Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.

This is what I want...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...

darkness, pain, loneliness, suffering.... free me to fly away.. but your will not mine... it is for their sake.. save them.. have mercy on them.. for they do not know you and your love.... 

..His Splendor and Majesty

went to church here in Celerina this morning... a small, beautiful Engadiner church.... maybe 10 rows of benches, pews... they filled up, after all it was Christmas morning...
a perfectly clear sky... it had snowed again all Christmas Eve and it was now quite cold.. winter at it's best..
Christmas Eve was nice..lots of gifts for the 2 little ones... so cute to see how excited they were to give their own gifts... a nice meal afterwards..
so church... a barogue ensemble, a violin, cello , organ and an Alto recorder.. beautiful and fitting for the church building from the 14th century...  a reformed church, after all, Calvin was a Swiss...
the service very different from what I am used to... then again, a Christmas service is maybe always geared for CNE Christians... ( Christmas and Easter Christian) as in a little more superficial? not in my church, but hey... it was a very festive and traditional service and it was soothing...
skiing for the rest of the day was great... not too many people and enough new snow to make this a pleasurable experience..
cool to be skiing at about 3000m and praising God for His creativity and splendour.. He is marvellous..
His mercy and love know no end...
the pastor today read a poem about what life with God is and basically it was the "despite" message... peace despite turmoil, reaching out despite feeling the need to run away from the hurtful gossiper, hope despite circumstances that look rather grim, forgiveness despite an aggressor who wouldn't even think he needs it... kindness despite cruelty and abuse.... joy despite the fact that in this world we DO have trouble... and all of this because of Jesus entering this world all human and all God..living a life without sin and therefore without blemish, willingly giving His life as a sacrifice for all who believe...
scriptures on the walls of the ancient church.. 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we live by faith.... on the other side: Marc 9:23 Everything is possible for one who believes.... faith, believe...in the fact that God became flesh and came to earth to show us the way and redeem us.. pay our debt... so that we could be in a right relationship with God...
pondering and trying to understand the love... the love of the Father for us His children...
it is immeasurable, like the beauty of His creation... with my eyes turned upon Jesus... the troubles have grown strangely dim and His light and His majesty shine even brighter... Praise be to Him, and Him alone!

... and the things on earth will grow strangely dim...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full, in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangly dim

In the light of his  glory and grace

up again in the middle of the night... and the song comes to my mind again... have had this tune and these words going on in my mind for the last few days... amazing...

indeed... turning my eyes upon Jesus... and not just because today is Christmas Eve... Holy Night.. the night we as Germans are celebrating the arrival of Jesus with a church service and a  festive meal... ( and get to open our gifts..  :P )

not just today, but today it is as special to me as every day, that HE, the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Lord of all, would so lovingly encourage me..

..look full in His wonderful face... AND THE THINGS OF EARTH WILL GROW STRANGELY DIM....

so thankful that this is true.. I definitely needed the reminder

when stuff like it has been happening here over the last little while is going on I can feel it physically in many ways... one of them is that the muscles in my face just tighten up... every little one there is..

but when He has been bringing up this song in my mind a smile just happens upon me and my hearts overflows.. cool..

yesterday, the sun came out and about half a meter of new sparkly white snow was atop everything... so beautiful... Winter Wonderland...with Christ's love and forgiveness passed on, this turned out to be a day as perfect as the weather... unreal..yet REAL...

maturity in Christ... discernment, wisdom, many things are clearer and the truth more visible, humanly speaking this should make one more sarcastic and disillusioned. and sad, profoundly sad.. but then... combined with  His GRACE and His love.... understanding Him so much more and knowing Him on such a deep level... instead the wonder and amazement is an unending fountain of peace.... ( I think peace might also mean sadness about what life is and thankfulness and joy about knowing Jesus combined...)

this is new for me in this setting, no resolution for problems, yet peaceful relating is possible, through Christ who came to reconcile us to the Father... it is all about forgiveness and love DESPITE the utter brokenness and destruction..

so...   Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full, in his wonderfull face

And the things of earth will grow strangly dim

In the light of his glory and grace

Thankful for His arrival on earth so many years ago

Merry Christmas

May the love of Jesus warm your hearts wherever you are..

... live at peace with everyone...

earlier on this trip I had a great conversation with my mother about God, and Jesus and all this kind of "stuff"... for the first time since I have been talking about this with her she asked me this question:
"why did God make it so that he would have to send Jesus to die for us, why did he do that? Why did he let the serpent convince Eve and why would he even have made the rule about the tree?"
today after another spectacle of how sin and destruction is lived out in this world that is ruled by the enemy, this comes to mind and it reveals, I believe very clearly where the problem lies...
the root of all sin is pride... pride makes people think they alone know the "right" way, demand they get the best all the time, it gives people a sense of entitlement , a right... so how come this God made these rules... even if it was just one... the nerve ... and sure, if there was a rule, sure it would be broken... rebelliousness,  after all, is human nature...
we are the sons and daughters of Adam and Eve...  who were, like us, made with the freedom to choose to obey or disobey... they messed it up for us all... then again...we all would have made the same choice..
so today, prayers lifted up for us by many, fervently right here by my sister and I.... we saw the "Bad", the  "Dark" at work... namely through one family member.... others did remarkably well, God definitely at work even in the ones that are not His.. clarity has been provided for those that were willing to hear... then there are those that do not want to hear, that are in such darkness they refuse to believe anything that does not fit their agenda.. trust no one and badmouth everyone and turn around anything that is said or done..
hurtful things were said, again, instigated by the one that just was there to wreck havoc...
all in all, because the whole family was present, this meeting was a little more fruitful than they usually are.. but in the end, unless God intervenes and opens eyes, nothing will ever change.
even the "nice times" together now seem fake and there is no guarantee that even the good experiences will not somehow be turned into something negative to talk about... once we will have left..
very painful and sad. I am just not so sure what to do with this... feeling tired and OLD... what I want is to turn away and not even come close enough again to be hurt...
healthy boundaries.. something I have tried to establish for so long, but.. if the other side does not respect it you can establish whatever you want.. the boundaries will always be trampled to the ground ....

there is a scripture that comes to mind in this regard...
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
( Romans 12:17-19)

no revenge is clear, it is more about, after pursuing peace and not accomplishing anything and trying always to do what is right ... will it be okay to withdraw?
anything I can say or do will always be turned around.. and used against me... do I need to stay around?
will need to seek His wisdom... thankfully He says this:
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.... ( James 1:5)
exhausted... really tired....

....a life separate from God...

more thoughts about the reality of a life separate from God... given over like mentioned in Romans 1 to their own sinful desires, on the surface living the fun, un-prohibited life, following pleasure and own self gratification... selfishness lived out, aggression and any other feeling spat out without any consideration as to who could get hurt...a miserable existence..
when Jesus told us to go into the World, and make disciples, not just stay in our nice Christian bubble, where otherness and kindness are more prevalent than in other places ( SO VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT), I am no longer convinced that this means I have to re enter a place where I have been trying to share through words and actions who He is and what He is all about, again and again and again, when there has not been any sign of anything sinking in...
makes me think of the Words Jesus spoke to His disciples about shaking the dust off his sandals and moving on..
now in a family setting there are different rules and layers of how it effects for example my children..
so I think that shaking off the dust means more like choosing to not spend extended time together with those that just continue to inflict hurt...
to stop trying so hard and give it to Him, who is in control anyways...
trying to keep my head over water when the enemy is seemingly in the majority, when dysfunction and abusive patterns I have tried to escape my whole life, threatening to swallow me up like a big tsunami wave..
it seems once again that any illusion of my family being a good place to find peace and rest since I am just reaching the end of recovering from a huge blow to my "perceived security" found in a relationship I thought was supposed to give me that on an "earthly level", has been revealed to be just that... an illusion...
a "fata morgana", deceitful....
stuck in a place between generations.. trying to be a good mother and a good daughter.... I definitely need wisdom on how to do this without getting mauled in the process...
so... once again I will need to focus on what heaven is and that those that do not know any better are living in a place that resembles hell on earth.. holding on to the One who in His love has taken me out of that so long ago... what I am feeling right now is not my reality... hmmmmmm... so thankful for that.... seems difficult not to be sucked into this though.... while still trying to live for His glory.. not sure I am doing such a good job right now..
sleep has been elusive, not helpful... I shall stop complaining now.. God is Good All the Time...I am coveting your prayers my friends... so thankful for all of you!!!!!