... regrets....

thinking this morning about choices... good ones, and bad ones... ones we didn't know would be bad ones and only later found out they were, some that were bad, made knowingly... those are really bad... :(
wondering if there are people in this world that have no regrets?
I have many.
thinking about it this morning because my girls took off to see some "new family"... step-relatives that have been added to their number of relatives just this summer..
on their way here they visited another Step family and with all the talk about all those other families, I was assaulted by a huge wave of regret...
I am so sorry I have put my two oldest girls in such a situation... step families galore... at least the youngest only has one... I so wanted to have avoided this... :(
bad choices.. uneducated, selfish choices on my part.. emotional, unwise choices...  there is the reality that God has forgiven me for those and that some of today's circumstances have not been my choice... but still..
reality is that I am back where I did not want to be... truth is that I got married early for all kinds of reasons, one was to distance myself from my birth family, find security through a husband.. another was because I needed to have my replacement child... needed to know if I could have one.. because I had an abortion when I was 20 years old...
walked away from this marriage... stupidly thinking I must have chosen the wrong man... and that there had to be happiness somewhere else... selfish and immature...
3 months later I stepped into something out of fear I would never ever meet anyone again and got swallowed up in something that was unwise.. emotional, passionate choices....
this time I stuck it out, I really loved, deeply convicted by the God who during this relationship had opened my eyes that divorce is WRONG.... not my choice in the end..

looks like I am back where I wanted to escape from 25 years ago... in the folds of my original family.. not giving any security but rather heartache and twisted dysfunction..

tomorrow I am leaving, and I am thankful for many things.. that this trip was not as bad as others have been , that the huge nuclear explosion was averted ( at least for now) .. I am thankful that I am not looking  to them for security anymore but that I know the truth that my security lies in the fact that I am a child of the Father in Heaven...
coming home into my small little abode will be like a haven of peace... spending New Years Eve all by myself... sad, lonely, but at least no attacks that hurt so deeply... I will let myself sink into the embrace of my Father and soak up His Love and Grace and Mercy...
can't wait to get on that plane..