.... losing sight of the CONNECTION that counts...

facebook, twitter, blogging,... texting.... what did we do before we got so used to all these ways of communicating CONSTANTLY????

My mother used to make fun of me by saying my "eighties - baby" was growing up with the phone cord around her.. ( that was me talking to her for hours figuring out the secrets of motherhood )  

today's kids don't even know that phones had cords at one point in time... 

writing letters? I had a pen pal when I was a teenager, a girlfriend living about an hour away, we would write to each other pretty much as soon as the letter arrived, which would be a day after it was sent....

last Sunday I decided to get off facebook for some time and reduce my texting and twitter activities...

I realized I was receiving some of my affirmation and sense of importance through connecting with people that way...

I am energized by relating to others, I usually enjoy being together with my kids, my friends... I also have a profound need to be alone, which then makes the fact that I am "alone" as in no longer married so much more evident... so really, these devices have become even more important for me...

as I have been trying to find all I need in my relationship with God, I just decided I needed to get rid of the devices that make me feel less alone.. because , the truth is I am, I am not, because I do have my kids and my friends that love me,  but I am, because I am not a part of a couple ... the plan is to be fine with that... and I am, but then I am not other times..

Long story short... these last 4 days I have been praying a lot more and taking my loneliness to Him, rather than trying to distract myself by knowing everything everyone is sharing with everyone... wow... that's crazy anyways...

I am not signing off facebook for good.... just taking some time off...  ( I will actually post this on there today.... but just not go on ;)for a while, fixing my eyes on the eternal... he was enough the last 2000 years...  He is today, and He will be for the next 2000 years if this is the plan.....  I am fearfully and wonderfully made; my God does not make junk... I am complete and I am His beloved child, I have a purpose and He made me to long for Him... like the Donut man back then told my kids... our hearts are like donuts... they have a hole in the middle that only He can fill, no friends on facebook or followers on twitter or my blog.....  

So I am continuing to draw close to Him, because He promised to draw close to me then, He also said He would be found if I am seeking Him with all my heart... and I am, I surely am....

... Conflict.. Change... :(

... expectations... disappointments... conflict... change.... misunderstandings... anger... hurt..pain...unforgiveness, bitterness.....
as humans relate, no matter what level, personal or corporate... as spouses, friends, boss, employees, any of these things can happen, and do happen... it is something that cannot be avoided...
as Christians we are called to deal with conflict differently than the world, just heard a great sermon again today about how by our fruit and by our standing firm and living according to our beliefs we shall be known...
 so, when change happens, we don't like it... we don't necessarily know all that has led to the change... we might never know... we have to be careful not to jump to conclusions and take on a perceived offense... no one is helped by that..
 what are we to do when we are faced with things we don't want, don't understand and just are not okay with? well, if what we are proclaiming is true, then we need to trust God, who is sovereign to know what He is doing... we need to trust that He, as much as we can't get our head around it has the best interest of ALL in mind... both "sides" in a conflict that leads to change are going to learn something, are going to be more refined after going through this trial, for those that love God and surrender to Him He will work even these things out for the best...
as we are trusting Him for all of this what else can we do? I think we can pray... pray for everyone involved.. let go of our own emotions and be supportive to all who are going through the conflict and stress of hurt feelings and disappointments..
as humans we always want to take sides and find the party that is to blame ...justice, it's something we have a tremendous need for... realizing that this is not our job is a very important step... He who alone is just and holy is the one that needs to do this.. we, as His followers are to live the way He calls and enables us to, not judging anyone, but in love pray for and walk beside our brothers and sisters.... that does include both "sides".....
what to do, when painful changes unsettle us ?  Give all our fears, feelings and anxieties to God, trusting Him to guard our minds and hearts and give us the peace He has promised... leaving our burdens in HIs capable hands, lifting up those that are most affected by those changes and loving one another like Christ loves us....
"Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.  Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many." ( Hebrews 12:14+15)
so many things we do not like... so much sadness in a life time.. accepting it as inevitable and trusting God as He works it out for the best for those that love Him... that's the best we can do.....

... life is a beautiful struggle????

human nature.... what's up with that? the flesh.... sinful nature... why the battle... that's my question.. okay, let's look at the facts:
Adam and Eve messed it up... yes, the fall, not a good thing, went all downhill from there...
really? and we are now lost because of that... well thank you very much... just kidding... if I know anything I know I would have done exactly what Eve did... I am curious, rebellious, and, if that man in my life is not taking his leadership role seriously and puts his foot down I will take what he told me ( and let's face it... he didn't tell Eve exactly what God had said... Adam!!!!!!!) question it and do what I want anyway... if tempted enough... and, considering a chocolate bar in my cupboard is something I cannot resist, how would I have been able to resist the serpent... deceiving and scheming, charming and playing into some secret desires... yup, it's for sure, would have caved as well...
so, since then we really had no freedom to choose what's right... no excuse for me today though..
Jesus came to redeem me, buy me back, from the one who had ownership of my soul... not only did He do that when I was saved, He also moved right into my heart... took up permanent residence...  and with Him, it is PERMANENT... because He is faithful and will never just give up on me and decide He just doesn't care enough anymore to stick around...
okay, so then... why still the struggle? I understand it is a process... some things are taken care of in an instant, some He gives us time to figure them out.. burns them away as He allows us to be confronted with our own wrong choices and sinfulness... don't like it...
last night was an exciting and at the same time very difficult night for me...
first of all, I was tired... and wired.... I drove the by now very familiar way to Cambridge, got there, and other than the few people I see when I am at the Center I did not know anyone..... came by MYSELF... considering I am single.. it sucks... anyways, on top of it I was now slowly getting a bit nervous.. didn't go there, but rather prayed again.. asked a few close friends to pray and trusted Him...
gave my little testimony, God carrying me through it with ease... He is sooooooo AMAZING.....
felt better after that, some people came up to me and spoke to me ... that was nice.. the evening went on, a Jazz pianist and singer was making music and it was nice... until he started playing one song that in the past had meant so much to me... my Ex husbands and my song.... "Unforgettable".... really????? not quite I guess..
tried to be okay but needed to get out of there then, driving home through the snow ( seriously!!!!!!!!) listening to my favourite love songs by Michael W Smith... praying most of the way and asking the One in my heart to be all I need.....
so, flesh, spirit... struggling... my spirit in communion with the Holy Spirit living in me knows exactly what's happening and that this is the best for me... my "humanness" is hurting and longing for something else... good to know, that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.. and I am sure He knows just how much I love Him... so I guess I do not need to worry..................  :(

... led into His presence... thank you MWS and AG...

...got home at 2 last night from an exhilarating and long awaited event.. a concert ... a time to worship my Jesus... led by 2 of the most talented Christian Artists ( my opinion anyways)....
spent 6 hours total driving, having great fun speeding on Canadian and "All" ( for you James ) American highways... spending time with great friends ... so blessings all around...
brought to tears a few times during the concert... touched once again by the love my Jesus has for me.. made aware of my desperate dependence on Him, who alone can meet my needs..
I love Him with a passion that makes me jump out of my seat, annoying people behind me, worshipping Him , my hands lifted high, with every ounce of everything I am... spending myself, pouring myself out in desperation... because there is NO OTHER WAY...
tonight I am going to give testimony of just how AMAZING He is... how He has brought me where I am today, how He is using the trials and the refining to bring glory to His name..  may all I say today and forever be SOLI DEO GLORIA... for His glory ALONE...
.... wired and tired and emotionally charged to bursting I am so thankful for the way He minsters to me and all the 2000 other fans that where there yesterday... using willing vessels to draw us close to Him...
that's what life is all about.. closeness and relationship with the One and Only, Jesus Christ, the Son of God..  Praise Him oh my soul....

..hollow and deceitful philosophies..

..as the student of the Word that I am I need to get to the bottom of thoughts and find the "black and white" that the Lord has given me whenever I think He is saying something to me..
my JOG "homework" for this week was to look up some verses that speak about me being complete in Christ, so that I could counter the lie I am believing and replace it with the TRUTH.
I am then going to memorize some of those so that when the old deceitful thoughts want to creep up I can take them captive to the obedience of Christ and filter them through this beautiful verse the Lord has given us:  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.....( Phil 4:8 )
so, if my thoughts don't fit with this verse, I am going to have a truth tucked away in my mind to think about... something that just by nature, it being the Word of God is all those things Phil 4:8 talks about...


.. so here we go... this is the passage I will memorize..


Colossians 2

I want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. ( Colossians 2:1-10)

As I have been reading through this, something else hit me.. it is interesting how it speaks about that we have to make sure no one takes us captive through "hollow and deceptive philosophy".... I was watching a show that my daughters are watching and had taped last night and even as I was watching I realized how it was all about finding all we need in that one romantic relationship... 3 couples were getting together in this one episode, all teenagers and as a mother of a teenager I was saddened how they were all falling for some empty promises, and at the same time I realized what it was doing to me... I all of a sudden felt the need to experience the exhilarating feeling of that first kiss.... just after I had made up my mind that this was not what I wanted to focus on. I turned off the tv ... took these thoughts captive and rather read through yesterday's blog again.... so in this passage, no surprise, God has a lot more for me than just confirming that my fullness, my completeness is found in Him alone, it also educates and guides me even further..

He is and gives me all I need and that is a fact. proven to me over and over again. Oh what a merciful and patient Father I have... I love Him with all my heart.

...Prince Charming?????

...in my quiet time this morning... and a bit later while reaching out to a friend who finds herself in a similar situation , I figured something out..
my JOG partner had asked me that not so long ago : Why would you, who has only encountered sadness, disappointment and loneliness in your relationships, have never felt loved by any of the significant men in your life, starting with your father, think it is so important  to be in a relationship with a man again?
well, a very good question...
little girls already are longing for Prince Charming to come and sweep them off their feet...  those that are blessed enough to have a father that makes them feel special might have a better chance of accepting reality....
someone like me, who felt afraid of her father and never good enough, was traumatized by violent outbursts that would come out of nowhere and as a result of his inability to communicate love and relate in a healthy way has always felt extremely insecure... someone like me, who ended up with a man who wasn't emotionally available and as frightening.... who continually pointed out shortcomings and would react with ice cold anger...  someone like me, as crazy as this is, ends up after 47 years still hanging on to the dream that Prince Charming  will eventually show up.....

and then, I thought this morning, there is God, my Abba Father, my Daddy, who loves me and has made me in His image, who has forgiven me for all my shortcoming, past and future, who longs to spend time with me, wants to know all that is on my heart... He, who delights over me with singing and knows all my inmost thoughts, He cherishes me and has prepared a room for me in His mansion... He has promised to walk through my life with me , carry me when I am  weak and tired, give me all I will ever need...

how in the world can I still be fantasizing about this mere mortal, who finally will love me for who I am , who will not put me down for my enthusiasm and my passion, who will appreciate my compassion and share my love for my Saviour.... I really should just be content with the fact that I have this eternal Father, who also is the lover of my soul, fix my eyes on Him and be thankful and leave my unrealistic dreams and romantic fantasies at His throne of grace... and only if He brings this man ( and I know there are some ;) into my life, accept this relationship as yet another blessing from Him....

there, that's what I figured out... let's see how long I can stick to it, hopeless romantic that I am :(

... indicator light off?????

I love my macbook, I think it is the greatest laptop anyone can have, I really am convinced there is nothing better out there...  no viruses and other "normal" problems.. nope, nothing going wrong here....
just now as I plugged in the power cord, and, let's face it, this one is getting a little "old", I realized that the little red light indicating that the laptop is now charging was not turning on... had to wiggle it a little to make sure it was working.... if I don't move the laptop too much it will stay connected to the power source, otherwise, even though the plug is in the right spot, there is no power coming through and my laptop is not charging...
made me think of how I need to be plugged into my power source, otherwise I am loosing my energy and my abilities... become sluggish and rather useless... the plug can be in, but because I have wiggled around way too much the flow might not be coming through well enough... following up on yesterday's sermon I am thinking that this is exactly what has happened to me lately...
sometimes I am thinking I am charging my computer only to see the little icon on the top right corner  saying: "not charging"... unfortunately humans do not have such an indicator...
I had taken my eyes off Him who is able to move mountains and fixed them on the mountain... I moved my focus and somehow, even though I was still believing the same things my indicator light was off.... no power coming through... I was reading my bible, I was praying, journalling and still... the attitude of my heart was not the right one. Feeling sorry for myself and upset and defeated... forgetting that with Him I indeed can RISE ABOVE the "unfairness" of what I see around me.
It hit me yesterday that no matter the circumstances here, after the 60, 70, 80 years we might have, eternity awaits and mine has been secured to be with my Saviour... in a place where there will be no more tears, no more disappointment, no more lies, betrayal and loneliness, but rather a love that we cannot even imagine since we only get a few little glimpses of it once in a while.... and not only that, but this relationship I have with Him is already allowing me to be courageous and strong, serving Him and being blessed in return... looking at a possible location for the Center in my church yesterday my heart welled up with excitement about the possibility of helping those that are without hope, overwhelmed and desperate.... what a privilege that is......  truth is, I needed to be made aware that I needed an attitude adjustment... needed to focus...

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— 

   where does my help come from? 

 My help comes from the LORD, 

   the Maker of heaven and earth.

  He will not let your foot slip— 

   he who watches over you will not slumber; 

 indeed, he who watches over Israel 

   will neither slumber nor sleep.

  The LORD watches over you— 

   the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 

 the sun will not harm you by day, 

   nor the moon by night.

  The LORD will keep you from all harm— 

   he will watch over your life; 

 the LORD will watch over your coming and going 

   both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

.. got your HDSD glasses???

I love my pastor, he is just the bestest in the world.. what a sermon today... I know it was exactly what I needed for sure... another light bulb moment ... definitely something that shed some light on my struggles and gave me new hope....


So have you got your HDSD glasses??? they are High Definition Spiritual Dimension glasses... yes, that's what they are, they allow us to see the world, our circumstances, our trials and fears and sorrows with God's eyes... rather than looking just at what the world sees we can understand the purpose that God has for what is going on in our lives...


if we look @ life from a worldly perspective, we will live defeated lives,
if we look @ life from God's perspective, we will live victorious lives.
The world looks at life like something that will end with death.... for someone with God's perspective after death life will start... 
in this world it is about how much we own, and we all know that we can loose this in a second... from God's perspective it is about who owns us... the One who chose us and loves us, the One who gives us eternal life with Him...who bought us with a price..
with the HDSD  glasses we see His provision instead of our poverty...
instead of my guilt and shame I see His grace... His son died and payed for all my sin, I am forgiven ... no guilt for my part in messing up my marriage, hurting my children.... sin, indeed but paid for by my Saviour...
instead of my circumstances I see His courage... when I am defeated, depressed and afraid what my life from now on will look like, I do not have to worry or be afraid.. He has promised me to never leave me or forsake me..He will bring me through this and He will hold me in His arms as we are walking through the difficult times..
instead of just keeping on keeping on for the sake of being committed seeing His reward... eternity with Him, allowing me to live a life of joy , motivated by having my eyes fixed on Him like it says in 2 Corinthians 4:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...


I memorized this passage many years ago... it was true then, it is true today and it will always be true... I am sorry that in the last months I have somehow not worn "my HDSD glasses" often enough... I definitely had them on for the first 6 months after the life shattering events of 2009... I was able to rise above my circumstances and courageously trust him for each step of the way... I think as I have been doing better I have put the glasses aside a little bit too often and 
have fallen into the trap of thinking I could handle things on my own...


well, I have put them back on and I will try very hard to remember to keep them on... at all times...

..accepting what I do NOT want...

JOG meeting today... always a time of deep sharing and accountability.... not necessarily always the easiest time... who likes to realize things about oneself that are not that flattering or easy to deal with...
"the black and white, get things over with" part of me is sooo tired of dealing with all this stuff STILL, after more than 14 months.. I guess I have been resisting some of the lessons I have to learn from this... seriously.....
at the end of the summer last year I sought some counselling to help me figure out if there was anything other than having been dismissed and thrown away by my husband that caused me to feel devalued and incomplete without a man who loved me and was committed to me.
we came to the conclusion that it was me believing a lie, the lie that only when loved by a man was I valuable and complete.. it frustrated me immensely because I knew so much better .... when I was first saved I was blown away by how much God loved me, that He had chosen me before the beginning of the world to be His beloved, that my worth was found in the fact that I was a child of His and that he had shown His love by willingly sacrificing His only son, so that I could have a relationship with Him... how much this knowledge and assurance in my heart had helped me through years and years of loneliness and hurt in a difficult marriage...  and there I was now, falling for that horrible lie that I was only complete when I was a part of a couple...

Confronted with the reality of being alone I struggled with accepting that God had allowed this, knowing  all along, without a doubt that He does have my best interest in mind I tried really hard to be okay with this.
The ups and downs I have been talking about so many times are a sign for the fact that I have not accepted this at all. I do not want to be alone, I did not want my marriage to end, it feels like Jesus is not enough for me and so I find myself being tossed back and forth, one day feeling loved and fulfilled by the love of my best friend and Saviour, just to have a sad pity party the next day, feeling so utterly alone and rejected that only a Knight on a white horse could rescue me from my despair.... oh how horrible is that... I had to realize today that I am not okay with the fact that I had no say whatsoever in this, that my pride and rebellious spirit tells me still  that I need and should control this situation...

the truth is that this is not the case at all... I prayed this afternoon and confessed all this to God, I started telling Him that I was sorry about this and surprised myself when for the first time I told Him how very unfair and mean I think all of this is... asked before if I was angry at God I always , from the bottom of my heart declared that I was NOT... and I didn't think so, honestly....

I have not fully surrendered to where God has me now, I have not reached the place of being content with my circumstances, accepting God's sovereignty in my life... accepting that He wants me to be alone right now, that He wants me to really learn to come to Him and find Him sufficient, maybe even for the rest of my life... I don't want that... there I go again... I want something else... I need to surrender my will..... this is hard... I want to get it done, get it out of the way.. once and for all because I am tired of the back and forth and up and down... resting in Him at all times, content in all circumstances... no matter how "humanly speaking" unfair they seem to be.... I will keep you posted...

.... children, a gift from the Lord...

my little girls are coming home tomorrow... I am thinking of them like that, even though they are not that little anymore, but rather some fine young women.. I am so proud of them and just realized once again just how much I love them... I am getting a little frustrated with myself considering that I am so up and down all the time.. the excitement of this new ministry makes me all giddy and happy, my "regular " life makes me all sad and down and hopeless at times .. I hate that one day I am good and fine with being single, enjoy the freedom it brings and then the next day I am so sad about all that happened and all that I lost, that I am not able to get myself out of that place.
so when talking to my girls yesterday even though they shared with me some stuff that happened I had been worried about I was so happy to hear their voices and just enjoyed how grown up and wise they are... how they are quite accomplished already in dealing with relational stuff, considering that they are the innocent victims of all that went down in our family.
I am heartbroken that I was not able to prevent the heartache they have been experiencing all their lives, that I am as much responsible for the hurt and pain they are living with. at the same time I am seeing that God has been at work in them as much as He has been in me in turning the bad into something good for them... they are such a joy for me and I cannot wait to pick them up from the airport tomorrow... He has given me  3 wonderful gifts that I didn't deserve, I am forever grateful for that, I am cherishing the time I have with them, the times when I can observe how they are growing up , marvel at what they are thinking and caring about, the wonderful ways they have been trying to cheer me up over the last 14 months and what a blessing they are to everyone around them...
my prayer is that I will be the best mother to them I can be... never taking them for granted but investing myself in our relationship.
God is good to me, I shall be focusing on that as I am lonely this evening.... just another day until they will all be back again... what a great and wonderful thing..

... Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center...

... did you know that in Canada there is no limit as to when a pregnant woman can have an abortion?
we are the only nation in the Western world that does not have any legislation governing abortion,
this means that 

if a woman can find a doctor willing to perform the abortion no matter how far along she is there is no law that can stop them,

 no one to protect the unborn child at any time!

some more information regarding Abortion:

70% of abortions being performed are on those who identify themselves as “Protestant or Catholic” of that 70%, 18% consider themselves “born-again or evangelical Christians”
in the year 2005 

there were 447,485 pregnancies reported in Canada, 

out of that number 96, 815 ended in abortion, that’s 22%

between 1996 and 2006

in Ontario: 54% of teen pregnancies ended in abortion
in Halton:  69% of teen pregnancies ended in abortion

a lot of women and young girls every year are finding themselves facing an unplanned pregnancy  and consequently have to make a difficult decision that will have life-long consequences. this can be very overwhelming 

and that is why we would like to be there to help.

help women by offering options counselling to understand what the

3 options of dealing with a crisis pregnancy are....

sharing information about procedures and what health and emotional risks are involved with an abortion,

supporting them in their decision to carry and parent the baby through mentoring programs and practical support,

connecting those that decide to give their baby up for adoption to an adoption agency and 

offering counselling to the birth mom, walking along side her through this difficult time in her life.

we also will be offering post abortion counselling...

fact is : 18 % of all abortions performed each year are performed on evangelical christian women.
in every church there are women that had an abortion at some point in their life,
many feeling too guilty to tell anyone about it. my heart is breaking for all of them, my prayer is that they will come forward and receive the healing and forgiveness the Lord has for them, finally being able to leave their heavy burden at the feet of Jesus...

as we are working towards opening our doors to the women in our community we are asking everyone to search their hearts how they could be involved with this ministry:

you could support our work through prayer, volunteering at the center, financial support, 

donations specific to the needs of pregnant women and newborn babies... 

because let's face it:

Christ came to this world to save the lost
care for the needy
look after the fatherless
we are called to be His hands and feet
will you join with us in making this calling a reality by "Together making the Invisible Christ Visible to the Women in our Community?"

... dealing with dysfunction....

...today was another one of those up and down, really tiring kind of days...  I feel like someone has taken me through the ringer... sometimes I wish I was not capable of feeling so deeply... how great would it be to be so utterly oblivious to other people's feelings like some people I know are....
for many years now have I been feeling physical pain in my right wrist when my heart has been hurt... a shooting pain all the way down my arm and into my wrist... felt that every time my feelings got hurt when I was married... today I felt this a few times, makes me want to crawl into my bed and never come out...

living in this world of brokenness,  I saw more evidence today of just how incapable mankind is to consider the feelings of others and relate in a healthy way.. I have seen what disease, another consequence of the fall does to people and how it leads to even more dysfunction in relationships... why are we continually hurting one another? sometimes, like today, it is quite discouraging to see just how bad it is...

tomorrow morning, my Steering Committee for the new Pregnancy Center is going to meet for the first time and I am not surprised that today has been a rather difficult day for me.
as we are going to get prepared to open a "front line ministry" there is someone out there that is going to do all he can to trip us up, discourage us and take our focus of the work that the Lord has called us to do... the good news is that He who is in me, is bigger than he who is in the world, He who is in me has won the victory and with Him all things are possible..

so rather than allowing the discouragement to make me hide in my bed, in His strength I am going to be at work making this world a better place one woman that will come through our doors at a time... By God's grace we will get to share the Good News with her and support her through teaching her relational and parenting skills... rather than surrender to the hopelessness, pain and brokenness of our world we will be courageous and face the challenge... only through Him will we be able to do that... it will take a daily decision to stand firm on what we know is true... depend desperately on the One who alone is able... makes me think of an old  fav song :

He is able more than able

To accomplish what concerns me today

He is able more than able

To handle anything that comes my way

He is able more than able

To do much more than I could ever dream

He is able more than able

To make me what He wants me to be

so tomorrow we will meet and work through our agenda... because He is more than able... love Him for that!!!!

... sin entangles...

.... I hate sin... I hate how it creeps up and encircles us .... entangles us and how it plays into our weaknesses... even with the mind of Christ, even with the Holy Spirit inside us... the patterns and dynamics of the sinful flesh are still at work....
... frustrating to say the least... sins committed by others... consequences and pain, accepting to live with them.. my own sin, showing me daily my need of a Saviour..
.. what a challenge walking with Him can be, trying to live a holy life, trying to honor Him in all that I do... I know that I am not up to it, not able to do that at all.... only through Him can I even start getting there....
..desperate dependance on Him.. but then, there is the rebellious nature, and yes, I am rebellious by nature..
throwing a stink bomb into the staff room at school in Grade 4, even in a not so disciplined Germany that was quite the thing to do..  good thing was I was a straight "A" student and my teachers loved me ;)
..but all joking aside... what even my mother thought was endearing and cute I have come to loathe..
the truth is, if I was a little less rebellious, life could be a lot easier... but then again, maybe that"s what gives me the spunk I need to approach the turmoil in my life the way I can...
... anyways...thankfully this is a fact:

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy  because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ( Philippians 1:4-6)

He is not going to give up on me, He will burn away the last little ounce of rebelliousness and sin... and then He will take me home... at least I think that's what He will do....

... and all of that not because of who I am , but because of what He has done... and not because of anything I have done,  but because of who He is... He is loving, He is holy, He is merciful, He is just, He is the Beginning and the End.... this whole "cranking up" the heat... melting the gold and bringing the impurities to the surface and then skimming them off... not very nice... worse than the dentist and I HATE the dentist... but He does it because I am His child..


In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.  And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.  (Hebrews 12: 4-8)

.. in the same passage it later talks about the harvest of righteousness and peace all this hardship will produce... that's good, something to look forward to... He deserves it, so I will depend on Him for all that I need for life and godliness... good thing He promised He will do that....

... facing pain and fear...in the arms of the Saviour..

..a very dear friend of mine got some bad news last night... she will need to have some tests and procedures done.. a scary thing because it brings up memories from a few years ago, memories that are horrifyingly painful, memories of months and months of fear, agony, hopelessness and despair.... walking through the very dark valley for what seemed far too long... 

..sharing on the phone last night I was blessed and encouraged to hear where her faith is now and how through the hard hard times back then, the fact that there was light at the end of the tunnel, this dear and wonderful sister's faith is so much stronger today..

..trials come in many shapes and sizes and as James Mac Donald so wonderfully put it as Christians, since our God is about refining us and making us more like Him, if we are not in a trial of some kind at all times we should ask ourselves if we really are born again... 

(sorry, this sounds horrible, and not all struggles are big ones... the truth is He is working on us because He loves us and will bring to completion the work of perfecting us until He takes us home...)

I memorized this a long time ago and have shared it here before... 

it's from 1 Peter chapter 1:

..in all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

when following Christ we are told, actually by Him personally ;) that we are to expect troubles... suffering is a given... so no matter what that suffering looks like, He has promised us that He will walk with us, carry us, hold us close and give us all we need... the peace that passes all understanding and a joy that springs from the well of living water right in our souls.... His presence, that will never ever leave us with anything we cannot handle through Him who gives us strength..

He loves my sister in Christ, He loves my girls, He loves all of us.... He is the source of all love .. He is all we will ever need... may He hold you tight my friend.. I am lifting you up to His throne without ceasing!!!!

... nothing compares.....

security... love... acceptance... forgiveness....reconciliation... trust....love...acceptance....no expectations... forgiveness.. and it goes on and on and on....

it is really logical and straightforward.. there is God, the Father, the Creator... He is the one that is our fortress and refuge, He is the one that keeps us safe... He loves us enough to send His Son to the earth to give His life for the forgiveness of our sins.. through this we are reconciled to the Father and can trust Him to love us and accept us, out of the security of being loved by Him we can accept others for who they are, with a heart full of love from the Father we can love without expectations, forgive and be reconciled with the people around us, by showing this love to others they too can find the security, love, acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation that leads to trust, love, acceptance etc......

today, when out celebrating my birthday again :) with a wonderful friend we ended up talking about that because I know God loves me, and is good, I trust that He had a reason for changing my heart and enabling me to love my husband like He wanted me to, even though, since he still refused to surrender himself to the Lord,  in the end it didn't change anything, but made it even harder for me to lose him.... when it first happened I wasn't sure why God would have done it like this, because I hurt so much more than I would have had He not given me this supernatural love... loving him for who he was, with God's  
love, not expecting anything, forgiving and trusting....

From a worldly point of view it definitely didn't make much sense, but God knew what He was doing... when the final break up came I was able to forgive out of the love and grace God had filled me with, overflowing, it allowed me to choose not to be angry and retaliate and hate, destroying everyone and everything around me in the meantime....

because I know Him to be my Protector I do not have to worry and build huge walls around my heart to protect myself, becoming bitter, sarcastic and negative... because I trust Him I can still be open and authentic not hiding my weaknesses, being vulnerable and real.... because He has walked with me faithfully, holding me close in His arms when all I ever wanted to keep was ripped out of my heart, I know that whatever will come my way will be okay.... because my God is big enough to deal with anything and He promises me to bring me safely to His heavenly Kingdom where I will live with Him in eternal harmony, peace and love.... no tears, no lies, no hurts... until then, I am out there loving, trusting, forgiving, reconciling with people... my prayer is that in turn they will know the love and acceptance and forgiveness He has for them.... for Everyone to feel His LOVE..... that is my desire... because NOTHING COMPARES!!!

.. Seek and you will find...

Praise the Lord oh my soul,
Praise the Lord for He is all I need,
He meets me in the morning,
when I seek Him He is there to satisfy my deepest longings,
He has filled my soul with His living water
when He saved me from my former life in sin and destruction,
His Spirit, the eternal spring of Living water in me,
I find all that I need for life and godliness right there.
Praise the Lord oh my soul,
for He has shown me the path He has for me,
He has shown me His will,
and serving Him is what nourishes me, my heart and my soul,
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
for He has prepared my work for me in advance,
He has planted and now has called me to go out and harvest,
we will rejoice together for eternity,
Praise the Lord oh my soul,
because I can trust Him to equip me for what He has called me,
Praise Him and love Him now and forever more.....

Someone prayed and wished me a Spirit filled day... I sought Him and He was found...
Like He always is... Praise the Lord

... Lonely Hearts Club....

..  I have been alone for over a year now, after being in a committed relationship for 18 years... since I was in it for the long run I never ever thought I would be faced with the horrible task of dating aka "finding a new man"....
 now, I know that my God has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope... and I need to trust Him and wait on Him... and I am very willing to do that....
while I am waiting, I can't help but wonder how someone with my track record has a chance to realize when the right man has come my way... I am aware that my last experience has made me a little bit gun shy... I definitely need to be sure that the man I will allow myself to get involved with is a man committed to follow Christ and a man of integrity.
being a woman, wired for relationship... I have had a very hard time with the fact I am single... had to learn that I do not need a man to make me whole, to give me value... took me a while, being surrounded by couples doesn't help... tomorrow is Valentine's Day... this commercially fabricated day for couples... well, I got my daughters a gift and a card each and that's the extent of it for me this year... like last year... stupid day that just highlights the fact that the one that promised to love me didn't mean it after all...
don't need to be reminded of that..
truth is, life for me is busy and full... not really much time for a new relationship, trying to be there for my girls and carrying the full load for our family is quite the task.... so, even as I am thinking about it and on a day like today that was a little depressing with all the talk of "the new life" of this Ex husband of mine... I am fully aware that only if God is the one orchestrating this can it ever work out and be right... so really, I do not even need to worry about this... it is going to happen if and when the Lord has it planned for me.... in the meantime I am quite fulfilled trying to be the mother, sister, daughter, Ex-wife, friend and servant of God that I need to be... and.... and that's the best part... I do have this Lover of my Soul... His name is Jesus... and He is the most faithful companion anyone can ever have..

Jesus, Lover of my soul,

Jesus, I will never let you go

You’ve taken me from the miry clay

You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now I know

I love you, I need you,

Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go

My Saviour, my closest friend,

I will worship you until the very end

He might not give me roses and chocolates tomorrow... but He for sure will never leave me or forsake me... beats the chocolate I'd say....

... the clouds of sin and deception....

.. another grey winter day... feeling the chills and all around yucky...
on a positive note, all 3 girls home for 24 hours... that's very nice, we do have a great time together and I am so blessed to have these 3 daughters..
hanging out together today these three young ladies shared some of their struggles with the "new family dynamics"
overwhelming for them, no matter their age...
Commitment, Loyalty, Honesty .... it always comes back to this....
on the other side of the equation: Selfishness,  Lies,  Abandonment ....


good thing that over all this is the One that can use all bad choices and turn it into something good for those that love him.... applying His"remedies": forgiveness , compassion and love...

after reconciling with my cousin I have spent many hours chatting with her online and I do feel only love and compassion for her, encouraging her in situations that are a consequence of her and my husband's wrong choices... weird? out of this world? that's for sure... Christ in me? you bet.... it blows me away myself...

the others in my family that in the wake of this sin have betrayed me and my girls... reconciliation and a renewed love and connection for one another... Christ in me? for sure...
in 5 days my lovely daughters are going to leave to spend a week with their "new family dynamic".... anxiety and very mixed emotions in their hearts... sadness in mine...

this summer, another one of those occasion's coming up... wondering if the sting of it will ever go away...
the "not supposed to be" moments are just not very nice... looking back there have been so many of those in my life... yet my loving Father has always been right there... born with a skin just not thick enough for any of the abuse and cruelty, He  has transformed me into a woman with a heart full of compassion for  anyone suffering He allows me to meet... looking to Him for all the answers, following His "Guide to Healthy Living"  ( The Bible :) as well as I can, empowered by His Spirit.. I know that weeping may stay for the night,  but rejoicing comes in the morning. ( Psalm 30:5)
today I might be a bit downcast.... but the SON is still behind those grey clouds in the sky... His light shining  and illuminating the darkness like only He can.... What would I do without Him?

...come away my Beloved...

driving home today I was listening to my new CD, a birthday present.... Kari Jobe is the singer's name and she has a beautiful voice... I love all the songs, they really speak to me... one is about surrendering... and as I was driving through the Winter wonderland I was thinking how we all sing about surrendering to the Lord... laying our life, our desires and worries and fears at His feet... and how hard it is to do this for real...

in the last 1 1/2 year I have been relearning trusting God and surrendering to Him... I had a lot of practice with my situation before, the new one still throws me off again and again... I have to admit as much I am really wanting to surrender ALL, I am not that successful.... when I look at it with my logical mind, like pointed out here before, God is in control and His will is not going to be thwarted by anyone...  when my feelings come in, all my emotions, I am having a much harder time... then, the next song came on, and it went like this:

You're My Beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is My delight

Come away with Me My love

You're Beautiful to Me

So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy

Come and wait

Till we are standing face to face

I see no stain on you

My child

You're Beautiful to Me 

So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace

Cast all your care down at My feet

Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you

I'll bear you up on eagle's wings

And hide you in the shadow of My strength

I'll take you to My quiet waters

I'll restore your soul

Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me my love

 and there is the answer... it is because of His love for us we CAN surrender our worries and fears, our desires and our dreams... He sings over me with delight and hides me in the shadow of His wings... He gave me life and He thinks I am beautiful.... isn't this all every girl ever wants... taking this in and dwelling on it is what I need to do, not worry about how my and my daughters lives will turn out.. but rather resting in the truth... 

this is not news to most of us... and yet it is something that we need to be reminded of often. coming away with Him... sounds wonderful... another song of Kari Jobe is called "Sweep me away"...... a beautiful thought.. swept away by my Saviours love... 

I am thankful for those songs, thankful that the Lord inspires them and through them touches my heart in the places that need Him most...

...Abortion.. no easy way out...

... so yesterday, my friend, the director of the center in Cambridge asked me if I would consider giving my testimony at the Silent Auction and Dinner they are having as their main fundraiser in March.... there are supposed to be at least 200 people.... that's a lot...

I said I would pray about it... honestly, it scares me... but then again, isn't that what He does... He keeps on stretching us.. calling us to step out in faith, never stay where we are comfortable....
has done this to me many times and I have had many sleepless nights, praying and praying and praying for His help... totally depending on Him, and He has never let me down..

so, I will do it I think, it is the right thing to do...

I will have to pray and figure out what He wants me to share ...

I have been forgiven for the abortion I had when I was 20 and because I walked for many, many years with the guilt of this, affecting huge decisions I made that had huge consequences... my heart is aching for those that are locked in the same prison... not knowing that God in His mercy forgives them even for this sin.... that there is freedom from guilt and that He, as in my case will use the wrong choice for His glory...

Isaiah 1:17-19 says:

Learn to do right; seek justice. 

   Defend the oppressed. 

Take up the cause of the fatherless; 

   plead the case of the widow.

 “Come now, let us settle the matter,” 

   says the LORD. 

“Though your sins are like scarlet, 

   they shall be as white as snow; 

though they are red as crimson, 

   they shall be like wool. 

If you are willing and obedient, 

   you will eat the good things of the land;

the passion I have for providing help and support for women finding themselves in a crisis situation like this, so that they might make a different choice... and my compassion for the ones that already made the bad one.. to extend the healing that Christ has to them.... that is what He is going to use  for His glory... by His grace He will allow me to touch lives for His sake... what an amazing blessing that is...

so I think I will say yes... and He will be there for me... like He always is.... Love Him for ever and ever AMEN