...wailing into dancing.....

.. prayers quieting my heart...excitement rising as I am coming closer to the place that God has so clearly called me to...unknown territory, new people...what will it be... will I be able to be all I need to be...
He is whispering in my ear.. Trust me, my child... I have prepared you for this for a very long time...
Baby clothes, friendly faces.. sorting, folding.. I know this.. how fun.. and then there she came... my first client... helping her find things for the baby she is is expecting, a little girl.... very familiar indeed.
Later taking down all her information and setting up our first session together, exhilarating.
My heart is  full of love and compassion... overflowing. And it dawns on me.. this is where we are supposed to be... outside the safe bubble of "Church-ianity".... out, where people are dealing with horrific circumstances... looking for answers and help, and love and compassion.. that's why we are here, that's why I am there, or wherever God will direct me to. To share His love with one person at a time struggling to figure things out, desperate for some light to show them the way...
And then it is  up to Him to turn their wailing into dancing... as He continues to do for me..because He keeps His promises.... my beloved Saviour... I am dancing!


You turned my wailing into dancing;
       you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. 

       O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

...Will you come with me......

It is sticky and hot outside... 2 lunches made, Kids sent off to work, doggies taken care of...and now... some new place in my life is calling for me...it fills me with joy but also apprehension and insecurity..

Looking back I can see the desert I have been walking through for so long, never alone, but still,  dry, barren and lacking.... looking ahead I see... my Father holding out His hand encouraging me to come along with Him... and this is when I know for sure that this is true:

Yet this I call to mind 

       and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, 

       for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; 

       great is your faithfulness.

 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; 

       therefore I will wait for him."

 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, 

       to the one who seeks him;

 it is good to wait quietly 

       for the salvation of the LORD.

Thank you Lord for reminding me.... 

...Hindsight...Take Two.........

...remember, it is May 2009... during the MWS concert...the song "Deep in love with You"...I can't resist the tenderness of You... My Father in Heaven... tenderness?? I thought Holiness, Sovereignty, Power...Tenderness.. really? My heart it beats for you...you're the Lover of my soul.....

They came back... our pastor friends... out for Dinner my friend challenged both my husband and me, saying that she felt that God was saying to us if we both repented from our pride and stopped sinning against each other we could have a great marriage...

Hmmmm, I walked away not quite understanding where there was pride in me in my relationship with my husband.. we got together, just her and me and tried to figure out what that could mean... I did want to figure this out, I didn't want to contribute to the miserable battle field our marriage was.
After a long conversation I went home with the "assignment" to pray through 1 Cor 13 and ask God to show me where I was not loving my husband the way I should....

I didn't do it... not until July, after coming home from a cottage vacation that was the most miserable one yet.....

But when I finally did...what surprise and devastation... oh how I had failed...patient? no, kind? seldom , easily angered? for sure, always trusts? I couldn't.... As my Father TENDERLY convicted me of my sin I broke down and repented...as I did, He was faithful and changed my heart right there and then, as I saw myself in the light I was able to see my husband with God's eyes...not his shortcomings and failures, but rather his potential and his efforts and his good will... I was even more amazed at the love my Father had for me, over all those years, as I was hurt by my husband, I would run to Him and even though He was always aware what my part in this was He never rebuked me but lovingly picked me up and gave me the strength and joy I needed to be able to go on...no " you better first straighten up yourself, young lady, then I will give you what you need"....not at all, rather.."I love you and I am giving you all you need, I also will show you what you are doing wrong only when the time is right"...... what grace, what love... my heart was full to overflowing with gratitude.. and hope, hope to finally have found the key to make this relationship work....

What I didn't know was that at the same time God was changing my heart around, my husband was "consuming" the relationship he had been hiding from me for over a year...to be continued...

.... till death do us part...

Today was a hard day.. this has been a very hard week...been at the house every day, sorting, packing, cleaning... and this afternoon spending time with some pretty special friends around the pool.... for the last time.

Had my first break down this morning.. texted some friends asked them to pray.. called a friend... she came and prayed with me..helped until everyone left and he left shortly after... that was it, the end...walking away from me, once again. Abandoning me, again, seeing my tears, again, but not caring enough to stay..again. And still I am not angry or mad, I accept it, but it does not feel very nice..curling up on the floor in my house for the last time, I let my tears flow... no need to try to stop this, it needs to come out.

It will get better, once Monday comes and goes, just spent too much time with the man that promised to love me and cherish me until death do us part in the home that we made together...not good for me. No wonder it feels like something is dead....some part of me.... but again, the promise was, when everything fell we would be held.. when the sacred is torn from my life I will survive, because I know that I am loved......Hope is  born from suffering.....and this hope will never disappoint.. because it is not in a circumstance or a person....it is in the one true God, the one that made the heavens and the earth and who loved us enough to send His son here to save us, save us from eternity without Him...from eternal misery.

If it takes for me to lie on the floor sobbing until I almost throw up so be it...I know that I am desperate for Him and that He is the air I breath...I know that I am blessed to be His... I am deep in love with you, Abba Father, my heart it beats for you, precious Jesus, I'm deep in love with you Lord...

......Hindsight....Take One....

He was there all the time...looking back it is more than obvious...He always is... but through those last 15 months, this latest valley, He has been using some of His people to communicate truth to me in the most wonderful ways...

A week ago or so I made a new playlist on my itunes... I called it MWS and friends... ( I know, I am a groupie... I am okay with it...)

As I put together this playlist I realized that since going to my first MWS concert in May of last year my Daddy has used him and Natalie Grant to bring me comfort, to prepare my heart for what He was going to do... and then... He put me on a boat with exactly those people.. for the Grand Finale... a Master Piece...

Since I have become a Christian, in June 1994 I have loved Michael W Smith's music, I have had several of his CD's, but until last year I had never been to one of his concerts...

It was 6 months after I had found out that my husband was having some kind of an emotional affair with my cousin.. at first I had thought that forgiving him and moving on had taken care of this unfortunate occurrence.... but I was very wrong...

our relationship disintegrated more and more, I became more and more disillusioned and without my main spiritual mentors around ( our pastor and his wife were on sabbatical for 6 months) I was going down a not so nice path...

So when May came around, and I found myself at the MWS concert God revealed Himself to me in an amazing way... He used the song "Deep in love with you" to show me that He indeed cared... as I was worshipping with thousands I all of a sudden had this vision of me lying on the ground, all broken and crumbled up... and God the Father bending down lovingly and picking me up and holding me in His arms saying to me "I know how you are feeling and I care"....... 

This was new to me... especially after being in a marriage where my heart was broken daily for almost 17 years...

I am sure now that this message of love and care was what softened my heart and prepared me for the next step on the path that God had me on.... to be continued

....Held....

Usually when I start writing, I kind of know where I am going...tonite, I just felt I had to write, I am hoping it will make sense in the end.
Today was the big move... the "old" house, or should I call it "matrimonial home" is now empty...tomorrow we will sign the papers for the sale at the lawyers and the closing is on Monday...
Many have asked me how I was feeling, and was it hard...well, today was another manifestation of what happened 7 months and 20 days ago...the end of our family, our marriage.....so in a way, because I / we have been living this for this time, it was not that hard... and then again it was... because today it just hit me in the face once more, the finality of it....
The good part is that we, as we were both packing and sorting and getting rid of stuff over the last few days were able to relate as we have the last few months, as friends, no negative feelings but a new found friendship.....

I realized this morning that the quality of the relationship that we have now has to do with the fact that there are no longer any big expectations involved that could be disappointed... that's the key...
Anyways, long story short, another chapter of this, the story of the bigger part of my adult life has been written... very soon, the book will be finished...
It is bitter sweet..... bitter, because it just not meant to be that way, sweet because of the good that my Daddy is bringing out of it..... learning to live with these two thing constantly going on at the same time has been challenging and rewarding..
A little story about today... as we were sitting in our basement on the couch for the last time this morning a question I asked and the answer made me all of a sudden very emotional / sad... and I had to leave to not loose it... as I was driving to Goodwill to drop off some stuff I was listening to my fav song from Natalie Grant and I was crying bitterly.... but like it has already become a habit... I snuggled up on my Daddy's chest for a moment right where the head fits so wonderfully in... and I felt so loved and so secure, like never before in my life... I got it together after that and the rest of the day went by uneventful
Tonight my girls plus their boyfriends went to see a musical with their Dad and his girlfriend... and surprisingly I am totally fine with that... so... once again, God is so good,.... He loves us... isn't that just so amazing.....

..Quality Time...JOY abundantly!!!!!

Just a thought this morning , before going to church expectantly... rushing to the place where my brothers and sisters are...coming together to express to everyone around us the worth our Daddy, our Brother and the Counselor have in our lives...
As I just spent extended time in the embrace of my Father, listening to HIS voice, as I was reading in His word, I once again realized that we have gotten it all wrong... ( our picture of who the Father is) 
When Jesus came , He came to reveal to us the Father... when we read the 4 accounts of the gospel, the "Marvelous" news... -the Good News about WHO our Father really is - we can see such a total different view of the Father as Jesus accepts the unacceptable...
 As He accepts us unconditionally, the power of His love is what transforms us, His presence, His concern and compassion... as the peace of this ultimate acceptance envelopes our hearts He makes us more like Him...it is not a set of rules, perfectionism, our failure and the following condemnation and rejection.
Coming to Him, spending time with Him in this new found intimacy is allowing me to understand and feel more and more the joy He experiences when I do come... the exciting and marvelous plans He has made for us, to enjoy together... I am going to go to church today to together with my fellow believers praise Him for the LOVE, that ACCEPTANCE and the JOY HE continues to pour out into our lives....


Let the Celebration begin!!!!!!!!

My Daddy

A week has gone by since I came back, came back from the trip of a life time, a get away to meet with my Father in heaven, who turned out to be that amazingly loving, caring, understanding and merciful one...
the closeness I found has allowed me to continue to enjoy the new found intimacy, the shelter, the SECURITY I have always longed for and never had before..
My prayer life has changed, it always was a continuous conversation, somehow always addressing Jesus, my Lord and Saviour more than the Father, I still have this, a privilege beyond anything imaginable, but now there is this other place I am, constantly, in the strong embrace of my Daddy in heaven, He never lets go of me, how amazing is that??
He is right there with me , in all circumstances...it's almost as if I just look Him in the eye and we have this understanding, that doesn't need any words..
Some of my friends are blessed in that way, that their father was portraying who God the Father is to them pretty well...I, though, was afraid of my Father to an extent that as a young child I would cry when he would speak to me. He never made it to the hospital the day I was born, business was a priority, not his wife and his second child, me.... He could get quite furious and sometimes I didn't even know why, when he got angry he sometimes would hit me very hard... there are memories of him breaking through a locked door to get to us, because we had been making noise and woken him up from his nap... my sister would wake up almost every night because of an asthma attack.... she never dared to go into my parents bedroom to wake my mother up because she was afraid my father would get angry... so she woke me up and I went to get my mother every time..He didn't allow my grandmother to come to our house, he kept the dogs in the house and would continue to come to the house in his riding clothes even though my sister had horrible allergies and this caused her more asthma attacks, ..... he threatened to kill my mother and I believed it to the extent that I took my 2 1/2 year old, my newborn baby , and myself ( 10 days after my C-section) on a trip with them because I felt I had to protect my mother...
These are the memories that just come, without having to think about it too much....
When I became a Christian I worked through forgiveness and my father for sure was one of the people I had to forgive...
As a result of who I am and who my parents are I had to put up wise and healthy boundaries... if anything this has caused my parents to be angry at me even more.
My father continues to "love" ( if you can call it that) conditionally only.....
So you get why this encounter with my Daddy in heaven has me smiling whenever I am thinking about it. I know that we all fall short, in all that we do. I know that I am by far not the mother I want to be, or let alone need to be... I am sure my father didn't get up in the morning and decided that today he would mess his kids up even more.... so he is forgiven....
But thank the Lord, thank my heavenly Father, my Daddy for revealing Himself to me like He has been doing over the last few years, culminating in my encounter with Him on a Cruise ship in Alaskan waters...I praise Him for His goodness and mercy, for His love and acceptance, for His loving kindness and gentleness... for being all and so much more for me and for all of you!!!!

Natalie grant held

Grace That Moves....

Grace that moves...

This was on the Michael W. Smith Cruise…

I heard a great Devotion this morning..

It basically said that God’s Grace,( the unmerited favor) Jesus dying on the cross,  is what has moved us from living in the servant quarters to the Mansion..living with our Father...

What an amazing thought, the concept is not new, but have I ever really believed it....I am an heir of God, I am Jesus’ sister, God’s child, I do not have to prove by my works that I am worthy to be accepted by God ( and we all know that never worked anyways) 

It is in believing in the fact that Jesus did exactly that.... He died and paid for my sins and now I am forgiven, I am righteous in God’s eyes... when looking at me He sees Jesus’ righteousness, not my stained and torn up clothing...but the white robe of righteousness.

My Father is rejoicing over me, He delights over with me with singing... He loves me, He longs for me to run to Him with all my fears, worries, sorrows and pain.. He is not like my father who never gave me the time of life, who only expected perfection and whose love has been and always will be conditional, who inflicted physical and emotional pain and despair...

He instead is my Abba... He is my Daddy, my Papa..... He chose me before the beginning of the world to be His beloved child...He has prepared a room for me in the Mansion in Heaven where I will live for eternity in His presence..my citizenship is in Heaven with Him and not here on this earth.

It is His Mercy that brought this about... because with God Mercy triumphs over Justice...that’s why He sent His son, because He loved us so much that He couldn’t just punish us the way we would have deserved it. He sacrificed His son, who was without sin, the lamb without any blemish, so that we could be reconciled with Him...

Amazing Grace...My King died for me....He suffered and did not complain... He fixed His eyes on the joy laid out before Him!!!!!! That was me, the joy to call me His own...

So I desire to live in this reality every moment of my life, when rejection, frustration, hurt and pain comes my way.

I want to become more like Him, I want to please Him because I love Him so much. My life needs to be focused on Him, filled by the Spirit and carried by Him..

He is the One who is the author and perfecter of my life. With Him all things are possible, without Him I can only continue to run against walls of concrete..I am lost and in despair without Him. With Him there is light, joy and eternal peace.

Light the fire of my first love again Lord... I do not want it to grow dim.. I want to live full out for you... I don’t just want to go through the Motions...Use me Lord for Your glory... Thank you Lord for allowing the Valley... I know that you have cried with me, that your heart is broken for me, and that you are rejoicing over me as I am learning to trust you more and more...Oh if I could just stay right here with you and not run away again... Keep me close to you, let me not take my eyes of you....let me focus on what is eternal and not what is temporary because those light and momentary troubles are achieving for me a treasure in heaven that far outweighs them all... Oh Lord you are my all and all... I love you with all my heart, soul and mind........ Take me, mold me and refine me by your fire, make me pure and allow me to worship you all the days of my life...because one day in your courts is better than thousands elsewhere!!

I praise You Oh Lord of my life... reign in me Lord, fill me Holy Spirit....I am YOURS!!!!

And I gladly move into the Mansion and sit at the table with you as your child!!!!!

I love you Abba Father….

Pro-Life Song & Video (Anti-Abortion)

A Psalm of Praise

Jesus,

The great red dawning that rises over the mountains of all eternity.

The shining bridge of stars that arches up and up and gives us a path from earth into heaven’s throne room.

To our ship, battered in a storm He is the lighthouse.

He brings the message of eternity to us over the vast gulf of time.

He is the well of our hope.

He  is the reason our hope endures.

He has brought us so much more than the happiness we might wish for.

He has stretched out His arms in humility so that the gap between us and a Holy God could be bridged.

He was the lamb without blemish, sacrificed for our transgressions, once and for all.

Without Him we would be forever caught in the futility of ever striving and never arriving.

Without Him there would be no light, only darkness. Without His unfailing love there would be NO HOPE.

Let us Praise Him,

Let us bow down before Him in eternal gratitude and awe.

In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was  God, He was with God in the beginning.

He, who being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God 

something to be grasped,

but made Himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

 being made in human likeness..

..he humbled Himself 

and became obedient to death,

even death on a cross!

Let us Praise Him and Worship Him,

Let us come before Him with thankfulness in our hearts.

Because we are the people walking in darkness,

who have seen a great light.

We rejoice in you, oh Lord and Saviour,

Oh Father of the fatherless,

Oh Lover of the souls of all the lonely and rejected.

We love You because You first loved us...

You considered us worth dying for 

even while we were still your enemies,

dead in our transgressions.

Let us Praise You, Jesus, 

Lord of Lords

and King of Kings

Brother and Friend,

You are worthy of our Praise

Both now and forever more!!!

Arms wide open???????

Arms Wide Open

Arms wide open, trusting the Lord, 

no self-defense

Living out the Purpose He has for us

His Plan, His Will, not mine..

Wherever and However

He pleases..

How does this look then, how do we find out what that Will is, what are the good deeds, what are the plans?

How will we find out....

Trust in the LORD with all your heart 

       and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways acknowledge him, 

       and he will make your paths straight. (Prov 3:5+6)

Maybe we need to ask ourselves a question first... Why are we here anyways? What is that purpose and plan He has for us?

Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. (1 Peter 2:12)

Accusing us? Persecution??? Oh, that's where the trust comes in, the relying on Him for whatever comes our way... good.

So, bringing Glory to God....as we walk with Him,in Obedience, with the Counselor always there with us...

So how do we know what and where it is though? what exactly is my specific purpose?

God has given us His Word, to communicate to us His will, we can be sure of that, it is in HIs Word where we can draw near to Him and He will draw near to us, and we will be in tune with Him and His plans..

Nice.... how else has the Lord communicated to His people... there were prophets...we often have fellow believers speaking into our lives and affirming what we feel God is saying to us..

We "feel" a calling, a passion for a ministry...and we want and need to make sure we are hearing from the Lord, and not someone else, maybe even from our self, our selfish desires...

The Holy Spirit is the Counselor Jesus spoke to his disciples about before He was taken up to sit at the right hand of God..

The book of Acts speaks about the Holy Spirit guiding and enabling the Early Christians in their ministry...

While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, "Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them." So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off

The two of them, sent on their way by the Holy Spirit, went down to Seleucia and sailed from there to Cyprus. (Acts 13:2-4)


So the believers were drawing near to God, they were fasting and worshipping and the Holy Spirit spoke to them...


I want to hear from the Spirit, I want to be filled by the Spirit, I want to have a close relationship with Him, I want to have Him guide me and go with me wherever He will lead me... 


Come Holy Spirit fill me.. I am surrendering my life, my dreams, my abilities and my future to you, no holding back...You are here to help us until Jesus comes, so please Holy Spirit... show me where you want me to go... I trust you with all my heart....


Use me, refine me... so that I can glorify the Father in Heaven...
In Jesus name..

Our Hope Endures

I'm Waiting On You Lord

Your Hands with Lyrics JJ Heller

...beauty in the turmoil... ...Because of the LORD's great love... we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22 23) Sometimes this "feels" so true, it makes me get up, full of energy and passion, ready to serve and trust...let His Glory shine forth through my imperfections and cracks... other days, it's all I can do not to hide under my covers and cry, pleading with my Lord to give me the strength to be the mother and friend I need to be..But His Compassion never fails, and that is TRUE, no matter what the start of my day looks like. 6 months have gone by since that devastating day, when life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. The Lord's faithfulness is what has allowed me to keep going..only, it seems, for a new hit to come my way, this time through another person that was supposed to be someone I could count on... my own mother. In an effort to work on our relationship that had grown pretty strained since I became a Christian and had withdrawn from all the common behaviors in my family... gossip, negativity, aggression, unforgiveness,... I was sitting right next to her at a family dinner..when she told me that she thought it served me right that my husband had cheated on me and left me... I was stunned. It felt like I had just ran full force into a concrete wall...she continued to spew hatred at me for a little bit while I was trying to stay composed and not let my children clue into what was going on... Long story short... not only did I not have a husband anymore, I officially did not have a mother anymore either. My father had been abusive and using and betraying me for a long time, so, even though I had forgiven him a long time ago, he was not a father to me... It seemed that God was removing one person after another from my life that I was finding some kind of security in...was it to find my security, hope, future and purpose in Him alone????????? Could this be the purpose of Him allowing any trials in our lives? We can be sure that God is the one allowing trials of any kind in our lives, He is allowing them because they will ultimately benefit us... refine us, make us more like Him... we can refuse to let Him teach us and try to get away from under the pressure He is applying ... we could get injured and hurt by resisting the Lord to make us more holy, less selfish and self sufficient..if we become unforgiving and bitter and because of that others will be hurt as well...  So understanding that a loving and caring God is leading us through the difficult times for our good should help...shouldn't it? Walking through difficulties is after all one of the most common activities of a Christian...Jesus Himself told us: "in this world you will have troubles, but I have overcome the world"...Paul is telling the Corinthians: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal".. (2. Cor 4:17 18).  It's a no brainer, right??? When He first saved us, lifted us up, flooded our hearts with His unfailing love and it seemed to good to be true... we were sure we would never question, doubt or feel we just couldn't go on anymore. As we grew in our faith, got to know the Lord better drawing close to Him and He was drawing closer to us, He slowly taught us to understand the truth of our purpose for being here..because we are His children He is constantly at work in our hearts, refining us by allowing the heat to rise, bring the sin and imperfections to the surface, only for them to be broken off of us...( that process is painful as well..) the result is someone who knows who he or she is in Christ, someone who is relying on Him only, someone who stands with her or his arms wide open, inviting whatever God has for her ( I am talking about myself... sorry...) to come her way, no self defense necessary.. because she trusts Him... and that doesn't mean that when the next blow hits her she will not at first be shocked again... but hopefully the refining has left her in a place where His beauty will be visible to those around her... Trusting Him, every second of every day!!!!!!!!!!

Beauty from Ashes...are we coming any closer??? ... Patience,... . it's a virtue... .part of the fruit of the Spirit, highly priced and even harder to obtain...I have not been born with a patient spirit, but over the last 16 years the Lord has been PATIENT with me, and has been allowing me to become more like Him even in this regard... this was during "normal" trial times... ... ..when the earth shattering, life altering, devastating blow was administered to me... ..patience and trust went out the window in a second... This needed to stop, this feeling of worthlessness, deepest hurt and loss needed to be taken care of, as soon as possible, and when I came out of my first shock, that's what I was all about... Replacing the void left by the man who had promised to cherish me and lay his life down for me daily, (with another man I hardly knew... how foolish) taking the steps necessary to move on (well known to me, as I have been counseling women for many years - "forgiveness" ) and dealing with it by establishing the "New Normal" TODAY... (signing a lease agreement for a house, 1 1/2 months after the break up) ... Patience I was lacking, but what was lacking even more than patience was TRUST... . Oh Lord, forgive me for "taking things into my own hands" only because my husband and I hadn't been able to figure out what it meant to have a good marriage, only because he, who isn't even a child of yours made a wrong decision...I thank you for forgiving me for my lack of faith and perseverance ... Lord, forgive me for questioning your faithfulness and love..put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. ( Psalm 130:7) I was shaken to the core and shockingly to me I lost sight, even if only for a while, of WHO I have in heaven...who is on my side, who is the One who carries me when the going gets tough... Lord, I needed to repent for putting my trust in people, a house and "steps to take"... I thank you for not letting go of me even as I was trying to run away from you... It took a sermon, a Adult Learning Committee meeting at my church, the prospect of being able to help others to help work through what I am going through at the moment, a connection with another ministry opportunity that the Lord had been putting on my heart for the last few years and bringing 3 ladies into my life in a matter of 2 days that I even now was able to convey God's comfort and love to... ..Isn't our God an amazing orchestrator of events? Today my prayer is a cry to my Lord, telling Him I need Him... over and over again, often that is all I can say, when the sadness, the loneliness and the pain overwhelm me, He has taught me one thing, on a much deeper level then ever before... the fact that I am fully dependent on Him, I am desperate for Him, that I need to surrender and trust Him for leading me through the time of trial, the time that the Lord allows in my life to refine me, to teach me and discipline me, to make me a little more like Him... to use me better, let His light shine through me and bless those He will gather around me... Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:7-11) I am your daughter, what a blessing it is to be sure of that fact because you care enough to allow me to go through hardship and trial... and today I am sure once again of this: But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. Job 23:10 Praise the Lord oh my soul, He who crowns me with love and compassion, and satisfies my desires with good things ( I took the liberty of putting a few verses of Psalm 103 in a different order...)

Beauty from Ashes continued

... Making it through the days was hard, never has anything been harder before, but I was being showered in scriptures that spoke about the unfailing love that God has for us : Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14, May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22, Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. Psalm 31:16... . there are many more and I clung to them and read them to my girls... then, I knew my husband was traveling to Germany to be with my cousin, and the thought of the betrayal was killing me...I took my eyes of Jesus and joined a Christian Dating site, not even 2 weeks after my husband left.. I felt I needed to see if there was ever in the future a man out there for me, just wanted to look... it seemed encouraging to see that there indeed were Christian men out there looking for a godly woman...I decided to get off the site, because that was all I wanted.. right????? I did, but only archived it, so I was able to go back on any day.. this was not a good thing. I know was periodically logging on to see if there was anyone interesting, so far I had ignored all attempts from men to talk to me.. I knew this was far too early. My birthday came , a little over a months after my husband left and this was going to be a very hard day.My girls did a wonderful job of making me fell very loved throughout the day. My oldest daughter and my wonderful friend planned a birthday party for me and 35 women from my church, that all loved me and who I loved came out that night and made the day the most special day I ever had... they all gave me a rose with some scripture or encouragement attached, all the roses together made a "bouquet of encouragement"... and each one of them gave me a coupon for some time spend with me doing something special... I felt surrounded by Christ's unfailing love that night when my girls and my closest friends read scripture to me and they all prayed over me...what a wonderful way to communicate love... I was blessed...A day later.. alone again and confronted with my "New Reality" I found myself online again... and there it was, someone IM me... for some reason I responded this time and met a man, who lived about 20 min away and had some friends I knew, many different connections that made this all of a sudden feel right...maybe even from God??? I was not really asking Him though, because deep inside, as I know now, I had stopped trusting Him and had started to take matters in my own hands.. ( we all know what kind of disaster usually follows when we think we can just lean on our own understanding...only fools do that... or people whose trust in God had been shaken to the core without her even realizing it).
I am sparing you the details of me getting romantically involved.. let me just tell you, the "taking the eyes of Jesus" thing is was happening and it was not a good thing. It was exciting, very exciting at first and it seemed to be what I really needed, a man showing his interest, expressing appreciation and affection... wow, I was sooooo starved for that because this had not been part of my life for so many many years. As it could have been expected, this relationship didn't last much longer than 2 1/2
months and left me once again sad... but now I didn't even feel I could run to God, because, hadn't I ignored Him and taken my eyes of Him? I had been disobedient and now the guilt of this was keeping me isolated. Not many of my friends knew about my involvement either.. I had even kept it from my mentor and counselor, because I knew she would have not approved..
Good Friday came and I broke down, I needed to confess and be forgiven.. at the same time my cousin came into town and was visiting with my husband, who was then living with his parents...everything was so broken and so complicated..the kids were having a horrible time, their father ditching them twice on the weekend for the new woman and little child in his life...lot's of tears that weekend..On the Tuesday I finally told my mentor about my relationship  and finally was able to receive God's forgiveness... I went home that day and spent many hours in the scriptures and in prayer and felt an urge so strong, I couldn't hold back. I went before the Lord and forgave both my husband and my cousin for all the things their betrayal meant for us, letting them off the hook and accepting the consequences of their sin... no longer holding it against them.. I had done this for my husband throughout, but never to that degree and also never for my cousin... ...to be continued... .

Beauty from Ashes??? He is in total control, the Sovereign God, the Creator of the Universe... "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted... . Job 42:2... .or before, as God challenges Job, Who has a claim against me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to me... Job 41:11 He loves me. He chose me before the beginning of time... He asked me to abide in Him, to be obedient and He promised to be my shelter, my father, my Rock, my deliverer... So how then did He seem so far, so disinterested, so uncaring? I had tried to be obedient, to accept suffering, I had confessed and my heart was changed, I was committed to my marriage, even though life with my husband had been painful, complicated, full of criticism, verbal and emotional abuse.. He had opened my eyes how I had given up on my marriage an retreated... built my own defense mechanisms...I repented, I loved my husband with no conditions, honoring came easily, respecting him, even though he had not changed, but God had opened my eyes, I could see my husband with God's eyes..and I was soooo excited, so full of hope, so close, walking with my Saviour.. Then the first blow...my husband telling me he didn't love me anymore... how, God, why now, God... there had to be a reason, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God wouldn't just do this to me, change my heart and for it to be too late... I was going to show him how I had changed, I was going to love him and convince him that the changes were real. He declared he wasn't sure if he believed anymore either..this was a spiritual battle for his soul.. that's why God had changed my heart , to love him with the unconditional love that only comes from God... Things were tough, but I kept praying and trusting... when asked if there was another woman he always said no, so I prayed and asked God to help me to trust and not be suspicious, but also to bring to light what was hidden in the darkness... 6 weeks into the ordeal I woke up one morning and felt the urge to try to get into my cousins e-mail account... I got on, and there was the proof... they were having an affair...on my way to the church, to see my mentor and my pastor I screamed so loud, like an animal that had been hit by a car... . hurt beyond comprehension, shocked and terrified... we prayed, again, willing to do what is right. I called him and asked him to come home to talk about this. I asked him to decide, break up or leave...I had already forgiven him and was willing to trust again, he chose to stay...the best 2 1/2 half months of our relationship came and went...God was so good, He was blessing us... but then things started to feel weird again, my husband became more distant...again... and one week before Christmas he just left..he had never broken up with my cousin, they continued to communicate... He tossed me and the girls aside like garbage... When he e-mailed me to break up with me I was alone at home...just my little puppies were there with me... .. and again I screamed... and rolled on the floor, my dogs were so scared...I called my mentor and when the kids came home I told them... I know that only by God's grace were we able to make ot through the next week, through Christmas... . God was surrounding us with friends, bringing food, presents, going grocery shopping, cleaning and reading scriptures to me and praying with us... these first 2 weeks are a blur, a fog... my eyes still get teary when I think about it... how was this what God could have in mind...how was this His best, for me, for my daughters... ... ... . to be continued