Had my first break down this morning.. texted some friends asked them to pray.. called a friend... she came and prayed with me..helped until everyone left and he left shortly after... that was it, the end...walking away from me, once again. Abandoning me, again, seeing my tears, again, but not caring enough to stay..again. And still I am not angry or mad, I accept it, but it does not feel very nice..curling up on the floor in my house for the last time, I let my tears flow... no need to try to stop this, it needs to come out.
It will get better, once Monday comes and goes, just spent too much time with the man that promised to love me and cherish me until death do us part in the home that we made together...not good for me. No wonder it feels like something is dead....some part of me.... but again, the promise was, when everything fell we would be held.. when the sacred is torn from my life I will survive, because I know that I am loved......Hope is born from suffering.....and this hope will never disappoint.. because it is not in a circumstance or a person....it is in the one true God, the one that made the heavens and the earth and who loved us enough to send His son here to save us, save us from eternity without Him...from eternal misery.
If it takes for me to lie on the floor sobbing until I almost throw up so be it...I know that I am desperate for Him and that He is the air I breath...I know that I am blessed to be His... I am deep in love with you, Abba Father, my heart it beats for you, precious Jesus, I'm deep in love with you Lord...
Well written/expressed Miriam. I am so sorry for your pain, just as I am sorry that I have so much emotional pain in my life. At least, Keith and I don't fight. We are just the same together as we always were (sort of). I don't act out about things but it's only because I asked God the first day this nightmare began to please, please gift me with His portion of the Fruits of the Spirit. He did this immediately. Therefore, I have been able to be patience and kind and self-controlled etc. when I couldn't have been so on my own. I had one major collapse and tore up our wedding album (how childish is that) but retrieved what I could later that day. Other than that, though my heart is just broken, I am still me with Keith. I make him lunches when he comes here to cut the grass or do other chores. We have coffee together and chat like nothing has changed. He gets in his car and drives out the driveway. I almost always have the same reaction. As I see him disappear, I cry a little bit. Still, I feel God's presence and I know that I am never alone in this part of my walk in life. God is my constant companion and all of my hope for the future . . . including the next minute of my life. I too am in love with Him and cannot take my next breath unless He wills it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel His embrace all the time Miriam. He knows your pain, He knows your circumstances and will not forsake you. He also knows how human our responses are and loves us in spite of all that. :-) Hold tightly to His hand sister. We both love you but His love is the very best and most important of all.
The above comment is mine Miriam.
ReplyDeleteCinders
I really don't know what to say to either you, Miriam, or you, Cinders..I can feel that both of you are going through a lot of emotional trauma, but with God's help you're getting thru it. All I can do is pray for you and i will.
ReplyDeleteMaryke