... indicator light off?????

I love my macbook, I think it is the greatest laptop anyone can have, I really am convinced there is nothing better out there...  no viruses and other "normal" problems.. nope, nothing going wrong here....
just now as I plugged in the power cord, and, let's face it, this one is getting a little "old", I realized that the little red light indicating that the laptop is now charging was not turning on... had to wiggle it a little to make sure it was working.... if I don't move the laptop too much it will stay connected to the power source, otherwise, even though the plug is in the right spot, there is no power coming through and my laptop is not charging...
made me think of how I need to be plugged into my power source, otherwise I am loosing my energy and my abilities... become sluggish and rather useless... the plug can be in, but because I have wiggled around way too much the flow might not be coming through well enough... following up on yesterday's sermon I am thinking that this is exactly what has happened to me lately...
sometimes I am thinking I am charging my computer only to see the little icon on the top right corner  saying: "not charging"... unfortunately humans do not have such an indicator...
I had taken my eyes off Him who is able to move mountains and fixed them on the mountain... I moved my focus and somehow, even though I was still believing the same things my indicator light was off.... no power coming through... I was reading my bible, I was praying, journalling and still... the attitude of my heart was not the right one. Feeling sorry for myself and upset and defeated... forgetting that with Him I indeed can RISE ABOVE the "unfairness" of what I see around me.
It hit me yesterday that no matter the circumstances here, after the 60, 70, 80 years we might have, eternity awaits and mine has been secured to be with my Saviour... in a place where there will be no more tears, no more disappointment, no more lies, betrayal and loneliness, but rather a love that we cannot even imagine since we only get a few little glimpses of it once in a while.... and not only that, but this relationship I have with Him is already allowing me to be courageous and strong, serving Him and being blessed in return... looking at a possible location for the Center in my church yesterday my heart welled up with excitement about the possibility of helping those that are without hope, overwhelmed and desperate.... what a privilege that is......  truth is, I needed to be made aware that I needed an attitude adjustment... needed to focus...

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— 

   where does my help come from? 

 My help comes from the LORD, 

   the Maker of heaven and earth.

  He will not let your foot slip— 

   he who watches over you will not slumber; 

 indeed, he who watches over Israel 

   will neither slumber nor sleep.

  The LORD watches over you— 

   the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 

 the sun will not harm you by day, 

   nor the moon by night.

  The LORD will keep you from all harm— 

   he will watch over your life; 

 the LORD will watch over your coming and going 

   both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

.. got your HDSD glasses???

I love my pastor, he is just the bestest in the world.. what a sermon today... I know it was exactly what I needed for sure... another light bulb moment ... definitely something that shed some light on my struggles and gave me new hope....


So have you got your HDSD glasses??? they are High Definition Spiritual Dimension glasses... yes, that's what they are, they allow us to see the world, our circumstances, our trials and fears and sorrows with God's eyes... rather than looking just at what the world sees we can understand the purpose that God has for what is going on in our lives...


if we look @ life from a worldly perspective, we will live defeated lives,
if we look @ life from God's perspective, we will live victorious lives.
The world looks at life like something that will end with death.... for someone with God's perspective after death life will start... 
in this world it is about how much we own, and we all know that we can loose this in a second... from God's perspective it is about who owns us... the One who chose us and loves us, the One who gives us eternal life with Him...who bought us with a price..
with the HDSD  glasses we see His provision instead of our poverty...
instead of my guilt and shame I see His grace... His son died and payed for all my sin, I am forgiven ... no guilt for my part in messing up my marriage, hurting my children.... sin, indeed but paid for by my Saviour...
instead of my circumstances I see His courage... when I am defeated, depressed and afraid what my life from now on will look like, I do not have to worry or be afraid.. He has promised me to never leave me or forsake me..He will bring me through this and He will hold me in His arms as we are walking through the difficult times..
instead of just keeping on keeping on for the sake of being committed seeing His reward... eternity with Him, allowing me to live a life of joy , motivated by having my eyes fixed on Him like it says in 2 Corinthians 4:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...


I memorized this passage many years ago... it was true then, it is true today and it will always be true... I am sorry that in the last months I have somehow not worn "my HDSD glasses" often enough... I definitely had them on for the first 6 months after the life shattering events of 2009... I was able to rise above my circumstances and courageously trust him for each step of the way... I think as I have been doing better I have put the glasses aside a little bit too often and 
have fallen into the trap of thinking I could handle things on my own...


well, I have put them back on and I will try very hard to remember to keep them on... at all times...

..accepting what I do NOT want...

JOG meeting today... always a time of deep sharing and accountability.... not necessarily always the easiest time... who likes to realize things about oneself that are not that flattering or easy to deal with...
"the black and white, get things over with" part of me is sooo tired of dealing with all this stuff STILL, after more than 14 months.. I guess I have been resisting some of the lessons I have to learn from this... seriously.....
at the end of the summer last year I sought some counselling to help me figure out if there was anything other than having been dismissed and thrown away by my husband that caused me to feel devalued and incomplete without a man who loved me and was committed to me.
we came to the conclusion that it was me believing a lie, the lie that only when loved by a man was I valuable and complete.. it frustrated me immensely because I knew so much better .... when I was first saved I was blown away by how much God loved me, that He had chosen me before the beginning of the world to be His beloved, that my worth was found in the fact that I was a child of His and that he had shown His love by willingly sacrificing His only son, so that I could have a relationship with Him... how much this knowledge and assurance in my heart had helped me through years and years of loneliness and hurt in a difficult marriage...  and there I was now, falling for that horrible lie that I was only complete when I was a part of a couple...

Confronted with the reality of being alone I struggled with accepting that God had allowed this, knowing  all along, without a doubt that He does have my best interest in mind I tried really hard to be okay with this.
The ups and downs I have been talking about so many times are a sign for the fact that I have not accepted this at all. I do not want to be alone, I did not want my marriage to end, it feels like Jesus is not enough for me and so I find myself being tossed back and forth, one day feeling loved and fulfilled by the love of my best friend and Saviour, just to have a sad pity party the next day, feeling so utterly alone and rejected that only a Knight on a white horse could rescue me from my despair.... oh how horrible is that... I had to realize today that I am not okay with the fact that I had no say whatsoever in this, that my pride and rebellious spirit tells me still  that I need and should control this situation...

the truth is that this is not the case at all... I prayed this afternoon and confessed all this to God, I started telling Him that I was sorry about this and surprised myself when for the first time I told Him how very unfair and mean I think all of this is... asked before if I was angry at God I always , from the bottom of my heart declared that I was NOT... and I didn't think so, honestly....

I have not fully surrendered to where God has me now, I have not reached the place of being content with my circumstances, accepting God's sovereignty in my life... accepting that He wants me to be alone right now, that He wants me to really learn to come to Him and find Him sufficient, maybe even for the rest of my life... I don't want that... there I go again... I want something else... I need to surrender my will..... this is hard... I want to get it done, get it out of the way.. once and for all because I am tired of the back and forth and up and down... resting in Him at all times, content in all circumstances... no matter how "humanly speaking" unfair they seem to be.... I will keep you posted...

.... children, a gift from the Lord...

my little girls are coming home tomorrow... I am thinking of them like that, even though they are not that little anymore, but rather some fine young women.. I am so proud of them and just realized once again just how much I love them... I am getting a little frustrated with myself considering that I am so up and down all the time.. the excitement of this new ministry makes me all giddy and happy, my "regular " life makes me all sad and down and hopeless at times .. I hate that one day I am good and fine with being single, enjoy the freedom it brings and then the next day I am so sad about all that happened and all that I lost, that I am not able to get myself out of that place.
so when talking to my girls yesterday even though they shared with me some stuff that happened I had been worried about I was so happy to hear their voices and just enjoyed how grown up and wise they are... how they are quite accomplished already in dealing with relational stuff, considering that they are the innocent victims of all that went down in our family.
I am heartbroken that I was not able to prevent the heartache they have been experiencing all their lives, that I am as much responsible for the hurt and pain they are living with. at the same time I am seeing that God has been at work in them as much as He has been in me in turning the bad into something good for them... they are such a joy for me and I cannot wait to pick them up from the airport tomorrow... He has given me  3 wonderful gifts that I didn't deserve, I am forever grateful for that, I am cherishing the time I have with them, the times when I can observe how they are growing up , marvel at what they are thinking and caring about, the wonderful ways they have been trying to cheer me up over the last 14 months and what a blessing they are to everyone around them...
my prayer is that I will be the best mother to them I can be... never taking them for granted but investing myself in our relationship.
God is good to me, I shall be focusing on that as I am lonely this evening.... just another day until they will all be back again... what a great and wonderful thing..

... Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center...

... did you know that in Canada there is no limit as to when a pregnant woman can have an abortion?
we are the only nation in the Western world that does not have any legislation governing abortion,
this means that 

if a woman can find a doctor willing to perform the abortion no matter how far along she is there is no law that can stop them,

 no one to protect the unborn child at any time!

some more information regarding Abortion:

70% of abortions being performed are on those who identify themselves as “Protestant or Catholic” of that 70%, 18% consider themselves “born-again or evangelical Christians”
in the year 2005 

there were 447,485 pregnancies reported in Canada, 

out of that number 96, 815 ended in abortion, that’s 22%

between 1996 and 2006

in Ontario: 54% of teen pregnancies ended in abortion
in Halton:  69% of teen pregnancies ended in abortion

a lot of women and young girls every year are finding themselves facing an unplanned pregnancy  and consequently have to make a difficult decision that will have life-long consequences. this can be very overwhelming 

and that is why we would like to be there to help.

help women by offering options counselling to understand what the

3 options of dealing with a crisis pregnancy are....

sharing information about procedures and what health and emotional risks are involved with an abortion,

supporting them in their decision to carry and parent the baby through mentoring programs and practical support,

connecting those that decide to give their baby up for adoption to an adoption agency and 

offering counselling to the birth mom, walking along side her through this difficult time in her life.

we also will be offering post abortion counselling...

fact is : 18 % of all abortions performed each year are performed on evangelical christian women.
in every church there are women that had an abortion at some point in their life,
many feeling too guilty to tell anyone about it. my heart is breaking for all of them, my prayer is that they will come forward and receive the healing and forgiveness the Lord has for them, finally being able to leave their heavy burden at the feet of Jesus...

as we are working towards opening our doors to the women in our community we are asking everyone to search their hearts how they could be involved with this ministry:

you could support our work through prayer, volunteering at the center, financial support, 

donations specific to the needs of pregnant women and newborn babies... 

because let's face it:

Christ came to this world to save the lost
care for the needy
look after the fatherless
we are called to be His hands and feet
will you join with us in making this calling a reality by "Together making the Invisible Christ Visible to the Women in our Community?"

... dealing with dysfunction....

...today was another one of those up and down, really tiring kind of days...  I feel like someone has taken me through the ringer... sometimes I wish I was not capable of feeling so deeply... how great would it be to be so utterly oblivious to other people's feelings like some people I know are....
for many years now have I been feeling physical pain in my right wrist when my heart has been hurt... a shooting pain all the way down my arm and into my wrist... felt that every time my feelings got hurt when I was married... today I felt this a few times, makes me want to crawl into my bed and never come out...

living in this world of brokenness,  I saw more evidence today of just how incapable mankind is to consider the feelings of others and relate in a healthy way.. I have seen what disease, another consequence of the fall does to people and how it leads to even more dysfunction in relationships... why are we continually hurting one another? sometimes, like today, it is quite discouraging to see just how bad it is...

tomorrow morning, my Steering Committee for the new Pregnancy Center is going to meet for the first time and I am not surprised that today has been a rather difficult day for me.
as we are going to get prepared to open a "front line ministry" there is someone out there that is going to do all he can to trip us up, discourage us and take our focus of the work that the Lord has called us to do... the good news is that He who is in me, is bigger than he who is in the world, He who is in me has won the victory and with Him all things are possible..

so rather than allowing the discouragement to make me hide in my bed, in His strength I am going to be at work making this world a better place one woman that will come through our doors at a time... By God's grace we will get to share the Good News with her and support her through teaching her relational and parenting skills... rather than surrender to the hopelessness, pain and brokenness of our world we will be courageous and face the challenge... only through Him will we be able to do that... it will take a daily decision to stand firm on what we know is true... depend desperately on the One who alone is able... makes me think of an old  fav song :

He is able more than able

To accomplish what concerns me today

He is able more than able

To handle anything that comes my way

He is able more than able

To do much more than I could ever dream

He is able more than able

To make me what He wants me to be

so tomorrow we will meet and work through our agenda... because He is more than able... love Him for that!!!!

... sin entangles...

.... I hate sin... I hate how it creeps up and encircles us .... entangles us and how it plays into our weaknesses... even with the mind of Christ, even with the Holy Spirit inside us... the patterns and dynamics of the sinful flesh are still at work....
... frustrating to say the least... sins committed by others... consequences and pain, accepting to live with them.. my own sin, showing me daily my need of a Saviour..
.. what a challenge walking with Him can be, trying to live a holy life, trying to honor Him in all that I do... I know that I am not up to it, not able to do that at all.... only through Him can I even start getting there....
..desperate dependance on Him.. but then, there is the rebellious nature, and yes, I am rebellious by nature..
throwing a stink bomb into the staff room at school in Grade 4, even in a not so disciplined Germany that was quite the thing to do..  good thing was I was a straight "A" student and my teachers loved me ;)
..but all joking aside... what even my mother thought was endearing and cute I have come to loathe..
the truth is, if I was a little less rebellious, life could be a lot easier... but then again, maybe that"s what gives me the spunk I need to approach the turmoil in my life the way I can...
... anyways...thankfully this is a fact:

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy  because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ( Philippians 1:4-6)

He is not going to give up on me, He will burn away the last little ounce of rebelliousness and sin... and then He will take me home... at least I think that's what He will do....

... and all of that not because of who I am , but because of what He has done... and not because of anything I have done,  but because of who He is... He is loving, He is holy, He is merciful, He is just, He is the Beginning and the End.... this whole "cranking up" the heat... melting the gold and bringing the impurities to the surface and then skimming them off... not very nice... worse than the dentist and I HATE the dentist... but He does it because I am His child..


In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.  And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.  (Hebrews 12: 4-8)

.. in the same passage it later talks about the harvest of righteousness and peace all this hardship will produce... that's good, something to look forward to... He deserves it, so I will depend on Him for all that I need for life and godliness... good thing He promised He will do that....

... facing pain and fear...in the arms of the Saviour..

..a very dear friend of mine got some bad news last night... she will need to have some tests and procedures done.. a scary thing because it brings up memories from a few years ago, memories that are horrifyingly painful, memories of months and months of fear, agony, hopelessness and despair.... walking through the very dark valley for what seemed far too long... 

..sharing on the phone last night I was blessed and encouraged to hear where her faith is now and how through the hard hard times back then, the fact that there was light at the end of the tunnel, this dear and wonderful sister's faith is so much stronger today..

..trials come in many shapes and sizes and as James Mac Donald so wonderfully put it as Christians, since our God is about refining us and making us more like Him, if we are not in a trial of some kind at all times we should ask ourselves if we really are born again... 

(sorry, this sounds horrible, and not all struggles are big ones... the truth is He is working on us because He loves us and will bring to completion the work of perfecting us until He takes us home...)

I memorized this a long time ago and have shared it here before... 

it's from 1 Peter chapter 1:

..in all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

when following Christ we are told, actually by Him personally ;) that we are to expect troubles... suffering is a given... so no matter what that suffering looks like, He has promised us that He will walk with us, carry us, hold us close and give us all we need... the peace that passes all understanding and a joy that springs from the well of living water right in our souls.... His presence, that will never ever leave us with anything we cannot handle through Him who gives us strength..

He loves my sister in Christ, He loves my girls, He loves all of us.... He is the source of all love .. He is all we will ever need... may He hold you tight my friend.. I am lifting you up to His throne without ceasing!!!!

... nothing compares.....

security... love... acceptance... forgiveness....reconciliation... trust....love...acceptance....no expectations... forgiveness.. and it goes on and on and on....

it is really logical and straightforward.. there is God, the Father, the Creator... He is the one that is our fortress and refuge, He is the one that keeps us safe... He loves us enough to send His Son to the earth to give His life for the forgiveness of our sins.. through this we are reconciled to the Father and can trust Him to love us and accept us, out of the security of being loved by Him we can accept others for who they are, with a heart full of love from the Father we can love without expectations, forgive and be reconciled with the people around us, by showing this love to others they too can find the security, love, acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation that leads to trust, love, acceptance etc......

today, when out celebrating my birthday again :) with a wonderful friend we ended up talking about that because I know God loves me, and is good, I trust that He had a reason for changing my heart and enabling me to love my husband like He wanted me to, even though, since he still refused to surrender himself to the Lord,  in the end it didn't change anything, but made it even harder for me to lose him.... when it first happened I wasn't sure why God would have done it like this, because I hurt so much more than I would have had He not given me this supernatural love... loving him for who he was, with God's  
love, not expecting anything, forgiving and trusting....

From a worldly point of view it definitely didn't make much sense, but God knew what He was doing... when the final break up came I was able to forgive out of the love and grace God had filled me with, overflowing, it allowed me to choose not to be angry and retaliate and hate, destroying everyone and everything around me in the meantime....

because I know Him to be my Protector I do not have to worry and build huge walls around my heart to protect myself, becoming bitter, sarcastic and negative... because I trust Him I can still be open and authentic not hiding my weaknesses, being vulnerable and real.... because He has walked with me faithfully, holding me close in His arms when all I ever wanted to keep was ripped out of my heart, I know that whatever will come my way will be okay.... because my God is big enough to deal with anything and He promises me to bring me safely to His heavenly Kingdom where I will live with Him in eternal harmony, peace and love.... no tears, no lies, no hurts... until then, I am out there loving, trusting, forgiving, reconciling with people... my prayer is that in turn they will know the love and acceptance and forgiveness He has for them.... for Everyone to feel His LOVE..... that is my desire... because NOTHING COMPARES!!!

.. Seek and you will find...

Praise the Lord oh my soul,
Praise the Lord for He is all I need,
He meets me in the morning,
when I seek Him He is there to satisfy my deepest longings,
He has filled my soul with His living water
when He saved me from my former life in sin and destruction,
His Spirit, the eternal spring of Living water in me,
I find all that I need for life and godliness right there.
Praise the Lord oh my soul,
for He has shown me the path He has for me,
He has shown me His will,
and serving Him is what nourishes me, my heart and my soul,
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
for He has prepared my work for me in advance,
He has planted and now has called me to go out and harvest,
we will rejoice together for eternity,
Praise the Lord oh my soul,
because I can trust Him to equip me for what He has called me,
Praise Him and love Him now and forever more.....

Someone prayed and wished me a Spirit filled day... I sought Him and He was found...
Like He always is... Praise the Lord

... Lonely Hearts Club....

..  I have been alone for over a year now, after being in a committed relationship for 18 years... since I was in it for the long run I never ever thought I would be faced with the horrible task of dating aka "finding a new man"....
 now, I know that my God has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope... and I need to trust Him and wait on Him... and I am very willing to do that....
while I am waiting, I can't help but wonder how someone with my track record has a chance to realize when the right man has come my way... I am aware that my last experience has made me a little bit gun shy... I definitely need to be sure that the man I will allow myself to get involved with is a man committed to follow Christ and a man of integrity.
being a woman, wired for relationship... I have had a very hard time with the fact I am single... had to learn that I do not need a man to make me whole, to give me value... took me a while, being surrounded by couples doesn't help... tomorrow is Valentine's Day... this commercially fabricated day for couples... well, I got my daughters a gift and a card each and that's the extent of it for me this year... like last year... stupid day that just highlights the fact that the one that promised to love me didn't mean it after all...
don't need to be reminded of that..
truth is, life for me is busy and full... not really much time for a new relationship, trying to be there for my girls and carrying the full load for our family is quite the task.... so, even as I am thinking about it and on a day like today that was a little depressing with all the talk of "the new life" of this Ex husband of mine... I am fully aware that only if God is the one orchestrating this can it ever work out and be right... so really, I do not even need to worry about this... it is going to happen if and when the Lord has it planned for me.... in the meantime I am quite fulfilled trying to be the mother, sister, daughter, Ex-wife, friend and servant of God that I need to be... and.... and that's the best part... I do have this Lover of my Soul... His name is Jesus... and He is the most faithful companion anyone can ever have..

Jesus, Lover of my soul,

Jesus, I will never let you go

You’ve taken me from the miry clay

You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now I know

I love you, I need you,

Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go

My Saviour, my closest friend,

I will worship you until the very end

He might not give me roses and chocolates tomorrow... but He for sure will never leave me or forsake me... beats the chocolate I'd say....

... the clouds of sin and deception....

.. another grey winter day... feeling the chills and all around yucky...
on a positive note, all 3 girls home for 24 hours... that's very nice, we do have a great time together and I am so blessed to have these 3 daughters..
hanging out together today these three young ladies shared some of their struggles with the "new family dynamics"
overwhelming for them, no matter their age...
Commitment, Loyalty, Honesty .... it always comes back to this....
on the other side of the equation: Selfishness,  Lies,  Abandonment ....


good thing that over all this is the One that can use all bad choices and turn it into something good for those that love him.... applying His"remedies": forgiveness , compassion and love...

after reconciling with my cousin I have spent many hours chatting with her online and I do feel only love and compassion for her, encouraging her in situations that are a consequence of her and my husband's wrong choices... weird? out of this world? that's for sure... Christ in me? you bet.... it blows me away myself...

the others in my family that in the wake of this sin have betrayed me and my girls... reconciliation and a renewed love and connection for one another... Christ in me? for sure...
in 5 days my lovely daughters are going to leave to spend a week with their "new family dynamic".... anxiety and very mixed emotions in their hearts... sadness in mine...

this summer, another one of those occasion's coming up... wondering if the sting of it will ever go away...
the "not supposed to be" moments are just not very nice... looking back there have been so many of those in my life... yet my loving Father has always been right there... born with a skin just not thick enough for any of the abuse and cruelty, He  has transformed me into a woman with a heart full of compassion for  anyone suffering He allows me to meet... looking to Him for all the answers, following His "Guide to Healthy Living"  ( The Bible :) as well as I can, empowered by His Spirit.. I know that weeping may stay for the night,  but rejoicing comes in the morning. ( Psalm 30:5)
today I might be a bit downcast.... but the SON is still behind those grey clouds in the sky... His light shining  and illuminating the darkness like only He can.... What would I do without Him?

...come away my Beloved...

driving home today I was listening to my new CD, a birthday present.... Kari Jobe is the singer's name and she has a beautiful voice... I love all the songs, they really speak to me... one is about surrendering... and as I was driving through the Winter wonderland I was thinking how we all sing about surrendering to the Lord... laying our life, our desires and worries and fears at His feet... and how hard it is to do this for real...

in the last 1 1/2 year I have been relearning trusting God and surrendering to Him... I had a lot of practice with my situation before, the new one still throws me off again and again... I have to admit as much I am really wanting to surrender ALL, I am not that successful.... when I look at it with my logical mind, like pointed out here before, God is in control and His will is not going to be thwarted by anyone...  when my feelings come in, all my emotions, I am having a much harder time... then, the next song came on, and it went like this:

You're My Beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is My delight

Come away with Me My love

You're Beautiful to Me

So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy

Come and wait

Till we are standing face to face

I see no stain on you

My child

You're Beautiful to Me 

So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace

Cast all your care down at My feet

Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you

I'll bear you up on eagle's wings

And hide you in the shadow of My strength

I'll take you to My quiet waters

I'll restore your soul

Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me my love

 and there is the answer... it is because of His love for us we CAN surrender our worries and fears, our desires and our dreams... He sings over me with delight and hides me in the shadow of His wings... He gave me life and He thinks I am beautiful.... isn't this all every girl ever wants... taking this in and dwelling on it is what I need to do, not worry about how my and my daughters lives will turn out.. but rather resting in the truth... 

this is not news to most of us... and yet it is something that we need to be reminded of often. coming away with Him... sounds wonderful... another song of Kari Jobe is called "Sweep me away"...... a beautiful thought.. swept away by my Saviours love... 

I am thankful for those songs, thankful that the Lord inspires them and through them touches my heart in the places that need Him most...

...Abortion.. no easy way out...

... so yesterday, my friend, the director of the center in Cambridge asked me if I would consider giving my testimony at the Silent Auction and Dinner they are having as their main fundraiser in March.... there are supposed to be at least 200 people.... that's a lot...

I said I would pray about it... honestly, it scares me... but then again, isn't that what He does... He keeps on stretching us.. calling us to step out in faith, never stay where we are comfortable....
has done this to me many times and I have had many sleepless nights, praying and praying and praying for His help... totally depending on Him, and He has never let me down..

so, I will do it I think, it is the right thing to do...

I will have to pray and figure out what He wants me to share ...

I have been forgiven for the abortion I had when I was 20 and because I walked for many, many years with the guilt of this, affecting huge decisions I made that had huge consequences... my heart is aching for those that are locked in the same prison... not knowing that God in His mercy forgives them even for this sin.... that there is freedom from guilt and that He, as in my case will use the wrong choice for His glory...

Isaiah 1:17-19 says:

Learn to do right; seek justice. 

   Defend the oppressed. 

Take up the cause of the fatherless; 

   plead the case of the widow.

 “Come now, let us settle the matter,” 

   says the LORD. 

“Though your sins are like scarlet, 

   they shall be as white as snow; 

though they are red as crimson, 

   they shall be like wool. 

If you are willing and obedient, 

   you will eat the good things of the land;

the passion I have for providing help and support for women finding themselves in a crisis situation like this, so that they might make a different choice... and my compassion for the ones that already made the bad one.. to extend the healing that Christ has to them.... that is what He is going to use  for His glory... by His grace He will allow me to touch lives for His sake... what an amazing blessing that is...

so I think I will say yes... and He will be there for me... like He always is.... Love Him for ever and ever AMEN

... walk humbly.....

I am 47 years old now, that is OLD :( and have been a Christian for almost 17 years...
it is interesting how the more I am getting to know the Lord, the more I am confronted with how sinful and broken I am... I guess that is to be expected, when coming closer and seeing His holiness and glory more and more clearly, my own shortcomings are increasingly exposed in the light... considering the reactions of some mighty godly people in the Bible this is not surprising at all...


There is Isaiah when encountering God he fell to the ground ....
"Woe to me!”he cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.” (Isa 6:5)


Then there is John, on the island of Patmos... seeing the Lord in all His splendor...
When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: “Do not be afraid. ( Rev 1:17)


( I love how caring Jesus responds to John...)


as the Lord continues to show me my faults, hang ups and hurtful ways, I am amazed at His love for me, it might sound crazy ( and there are some that say  I am just that) but I am so thankful He does that... each time I am blown away by the way He does this so gently... and each time I am more assured of His unconditional love for me..


a few days ago , having lunch with my sister I was once again reminded that our upbringing was far from gentle, perfection was expected and cruelty was the response to failure.... it has left us afraid of failing ... living under a fair amount of pressure constantly... for some reason both of us ended up with men that continued the cycle.. criticism our daily bread.


so as I am realizing more and more that I too am someone that, even if unintentionally, hurts those around me, as my Father in Heaven convicts me and lets me see this, as I am horrified and repent, He affirms His love for me even more..

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, 

   slow to anger, abounding in love. 

 He will not always accuse, 

   nor will he harbor his anger forever; 

 he does not treat us as our sins deserve 

   or repay us according to our iniquities. 

 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, 

   so great is his love for those who fear him; 

 as far as the east is from the west, 

   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

 As a father has compassion on his children, 

   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; 

( Psalm 103:8-13 )

I am blessed because not only does He forgive, He also restores relationships ..  the sweet aroma of those restored relationships is a wonderful gift from Him who requires this from us: 

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. 

(Micah 6 :8)

.... Hope for Life Pregnancy Center....

..what a day... such a day... an amazing day... a date that will go into my history book.....
started the day out with a meeting with my JOG partner and that is always a wonderful time... when leaving there I quickly glanced at my good little friend.. my bb... and lo and behold, an e-mail from my pastor.... so exciting........


it read something like " Elders were thrilled with your presentation and decided to have the Pregnancy Center become a ministry of the church.. we will support you in any way we can....."  the smile has not left my face... this is the best day in my life since... I can't even remember since... I have not felt this blessed in a very long time... then I went for a lovely lunch with my sister and that was another wonderful blessing... after picking up my daughter from school I went by the mailbox... and there it was, my new personalized license plates......
you know, I have had personalized ones for many, many years... it was all our initials and since my husband walked out of our lives I knew I had to get another one eventually.... about 4 weeks ago I finally got around to ordering it and it arrived today... God's timing is perfect... I <3 HP4LF  stands for I love Hope for Life Pregnancy Center... rushed to get to the Service Ontario place and got it all registered and put them on my car... all things I have never done before... 
( just because that would have been something my husband would have done)
....felt so taken care of and cared for last night when meeting with the Elders and today's events just made this even more real.....
His timing is perfect, His plan is perfect and He thrills me... He amazes me.... I am so thankful, my heart wells up with such joy it is uncontainable...
.. we will be very busy starting next week getting everything done to open the doors of the Center... we have been praying for a while for the women that the Lord will bring to us and that the Center will be a place of comfort and support for them, that lives will be changed and souls saved..... Soli Deo Gloria... to God alone be the Glory... which actually was tattooed onto my wrist this afternoon... it's going to be my "evangelizing tool" aka conversation starter... what a day.... what a wonderful day this has been.... 

... no need for the one who walked away...

..ha... who needs a man.... who needs that one man , oh yes, he promised to stay till death do us part, right... but who needs the one who is not faithful when there are eleven faithful, godly men making sure I am safe and secure, watching over my soul and, best of all, are my cheerleaders... encouraging, supporting and spurning me on... thanking me for following where God is leading me...
wow... I am so blessed just now, I wish I got to go meet with the Elders more often ;)


I am so very, very blessed to be part of a church where the leadership is made up of humble men taking seriously the charge they have been given...


have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.  Hebrews 13:17

the elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching. 1Timothy 5:17

I love the way the Lord has laid out this plan for His church... I love that by God's grace and His guidance I do have this place I can go, to the Elders of my church and find God's love and support right there, His encouragement and blessing.

tonight my partner and I were once again affirmed, affirmed that this is the Lord's calling and it is a wonderful thing...
waiting patiently for the final go ahead, resting in the knowledge that those that He called to be our leaders will prayerfully seek His direction.. so blessed again and so thankful.. God is good all the time!!!

..my first love...

from my time with the Lord this morning:
to the church of Ephesus... a church that has been faithful in suffering and true to their calling... this is what Jesus says:

yet I hold this against you: you have forsaken the love you had at first.  consider how far you have fallen! repent and do the things you did at first.... (Rev 2:4+5)

Paul in his letter to the Ephesian church:
therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children and walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God... ( Eph 5:1+2)

and I am being challenged.. has my first love dimmed? do I walk in love and imitate God to those around me? do I always remember what He gave for me, what He was willing to endure? is my passion for Him all it should be?

it guides me in my decisions... when I forgive, I do so because He first forgave me, when I reach out in love to those that hurt and persecute me I do so because he loved me when I was still His enemy, when I patiently endure another blow and choose to accept the suffering, I am following His example... all not out of what I could do, but because He lives in me and gives me the strength and the ability to do this...

but, where is the passion? has it grown cold? or at least cooler? I need to be honest and say yes, this is true, sometimes more than other times but it seems that I too have a hard time maintaining this first love of mine for Him, the lover of my soul... I have to admit that I sometimes look around me to find the fulfillment only He can provide... even a new ministry, as much as it is in tune with what God has called me... if I find fulfillment there it has become an idol and I have allowed for my eyes to be taken off Him... the author and perfecter of my faith.

even when longing for a man to love and to be loved I am searching in the wrong place... drawing close to Him this morning I am praying for the fire of my first love to be rekindled... for it to become a  consuming fire.... burning away all that is in the way to be an imitator of God... walking in love, as He in His unfailing love modelled for me, when He gave His life, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

.......lonely.... yes and no....

all good things come in God's time... what if He doesn't want it..... but He is good...  He cares more than anyone ever could....  but more about our holiness than our happiness... right..

this is the kind of dialogue that goes on in my mind some days... I am convinced that God is good, I know for a fact that He is all about making us more like Himself... transforming us so that we reflect Him to the world around us and bring Him glory... I also know that the refining happens through suffering, loss and adversity... not through happiness and bliss.....


I am thankful for the last 16 years and 8 months, I am thankful that since He has been walking with me this is true for my life:
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed ( 2 Cor 4: 7-9)
there has been joy and blessings all along, there has also been a fair share of pain and sadness... my faith is strong as a result and He has changed me a lot in those years...

is it wrong to desire some happiness,  to be loved by a godly man? cherished and respected, valued and appreciated? after all, after such failure in marriage and having been taught all He has about how to be a godly wife, wouldn't it be okay to give me another chance????

this world is so full of sin, of lies and betrayal, of heartache and trials.... wouldn't it be okay to show to the world the mystery of Jesus' love for the church... Eph 5: 31 +32 : For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church....

today as I was shovelling my driveway, and don't get me wrong, the exercise is great for me, I know that, I was thinking about how I have no reason to complain, there are many of my girlfriends with husbands out there shovelling as well...but then again, these husbands are out there providing or inside cooking a meal for their family... even though... I am not complaining... but I am sad... and the dialogue goes on again... I know that I need to trust Him and that this is not really helping me, but then again, I know that my Jesus understands my humanness, my weakness and my loneliness...

He has been walking with me for such a long time, we are such a great fit, I am leaning my head on His shoulder right now, in the place where I can hear His heartbeat... and I am allowing the feelings, because I am safe in His presence... as I am opening myself up to Him He in His compassion and love for me touches me with His healing hands... I love Him with all my heart... I will be eternally grateful....

... do not worry....

.. the snow storm of the decade...  really????? well, we have our snow day and that is wonderful... someone asked yesterday if we needed to stock up on food... the truth is, garbage was picked up, even our little street is plowed already and if we needed anything we could go and get it...

isn't this what we always do? we get ourselves all worked up about something that seems to be right around the corner?


Thomas S. Kepler, a respected biblical scholar  (1897-1963) told the story about a woman who tracked her worries and found the following:


40% of the things she worried about were about things that would never happen.

30% of the things she worried about were about things that had already happened, water under the bridge.

12% of the things she worried about were about others' opinions and when she thought about it she realized that criticisms are often made by those that are jealous or insecure and therefore unjust criticism is a disguised compliment.

10% of the things she worried about were needless health worries, which made her health worse as she worried.

8% of the things she worried about were "legitimate," since life has some real problems to meet.

Interesting facts..... I have encountered some new worries since I am a single woman... never had to worry about finances much, always felt secure and taken care of... have been spending many hours in bed at night doing Math in my head and getting all worked up about things...

so thankful for my accountability partner and the wonderful program called JOG that is offered at my church... each week, after dwelling on the same passage of scripture each day on our own, we come together and share what the Lord has been bringing to our attention, we also hold each other accountable about living life the way we are called to... knowing that worrying is not what God wants us to do, I have learned to take my worries captive as soon as the thoughts enter my mind and offer them up to my Lord and Saviour and leave them with Him.  by His grace and strength it is getting better....


in Matthews 6: 25-27 we read:
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

it goes on to say in verse 33+34:
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

snow storm... financial security... the future of our children... it's all in the hands of the One that put the stars in the sky... the One that has loved us with a love so great to sacrifice His only Son to be reconciled to us... will He not with Him give us all we will ever need?

each struggle we face is an opportunity to grow in our faith... we will never encounter anything that He will not also provide the strength to overcome.... find the peace that He promises and learn to depend on Him even more.. love how He works it out for each one of us.... just resting in His goodness today...

... eternally separated...

was challenged on Sunday to be more outspoken about the hope I have...

"But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear their threats do not be frightened.”  But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,  keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." ( 1 Peter 3:14-16)

There are many in my life that do not know the Lord... many of them have heard the Gospel, but somehow it is not that important to them... for some reason they think this is a more cavalier kind of a thing... " this might be important for you... good for you... but I don't need it..." and stuff like that...

challenged to be prepared to speak the truth.... if what I believe is true, that without a personal relationship with Jesus, total surrender to Him all that we have to look forward to is eternity separated from God ( also called HELL) then all those that are not taking this seriously are in deep doo doo... or, if what I am believing is not true... and either there is no "eternity" then we all will just become dust and that will be it, or, like so many believe today, we will all just live on in peace and harmony... anyways, looks like I am the one who is better off...

 But all joking aside... We all are lost, we all fall short of what God calls us to be, which is holy, we all are sinners and without God's plan of redemption lived out through Jesus have no chance to be right with God... by believing He did pay for our sins and asking for forgiveness we can become a child of God and eternity with Him starts that moment... no more facing heartache and every day troubles alone, no more confusion about what is right and wrong, no more meaninglessness.. a real purpose... hope that never fails and acceptance and love... a peace that passes all understanding and joy in all circumstances... and that is for real, because I am living it every moment of every day....

We are called to share that hope that we have, we are part of the greater plan that God has to push back the gates of hell.... and maybe, most people today think we are crazy and out of touch... but, like I said, if what we are believing is the truth... they are in eternal trouble... so this is my post of the day... so that those, that do not know might know.. if you think I am a fanatic religious person and dismiss me, that's fine.. I am cherishing my relationship with my Saviour, God's Son and even if that was  "all" I had I would have more than enough....  Check it out!!!!!!!!