..a world of brokenness, depression, anxiety, hurt and the sure and steadfast anchor of hope...

just crawling out of the lap of my Daddy in Heaven, my Jesus, the lover of my soul... having spent time in His embrace, hearing from His Word, words for my soul, meeting a need so deep nothing else can satisfy it...

what a special time it is always is, no appointment necessary...



was reading in Hebrews 6: 17-20

So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath,  so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us.  We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

this is what He said to me:

A sure and steadfast anchor of my soul.... an anchor that holds me in place, grounded not in my own 

- very feeble - strength but in His... steadfast, unmovable, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow...

not dependent on my performance, my genetic makeup, citizenship, status of employment or bank account... not in my trendiness or ability to speak the language perfectly, nor the absence of wrinkles and compliance with other pressures this world puts on me... no..... only on HIS LOVE for me.....

last week I had the sweet privilege to spend 4 days with my daughter and son-in-law helping them to pack up their old place and start moving some of it into their new home...

it was wonderful to be part of this next step in their lives but mostly I loved having the opportunity to reconnect with my child, who I love so much...

it meant so much more because on Thursday afternoon I heard about a mother who just had to decide to take her 17 year old daughter off life support... a "cry for help" gone terribly wrong had left this mother and her son in a world of darkness and grief so deep, there just are no words to even try to describe the pain they are in....

reading today's passage made it even more clear for me....

without this place to hide for refuge, without finding the encouragement there , this hope, set before us by Christ, no matter the circumstances... 

I too would be tossed around by storms, trials, hurts, confusion, disappointments, by people who hurt and by stuff that's scary and horrible... this world, broken by sin is so full of it..

without this steadfast anchor to my soul, I too would just be another statistic, anxiety and depression, constantly struggling against the urge to run away, or having lost that fight already...

instead I am taking refuge in the inner place, under the wings of my God, because of what Jesus has done, my sins forgiven, my debt paid, I can enter and find the rest, the hope, the peace and even the joy.... no matter how high the waves that are badgering my little boat, no matter how devastating and utterly shocking things around me are... I am not losing hope, because the hope I have does not disappoint, it is in Jesus and in the sure, steadfast and unmovable anchor He is to my soul...

in this life I will have trouble He said, but... He said also, I can be of good cheer, have fulness of joy in His presence, pleasures forever more at His right hand, because, He has indeed overcome the world, when He chose, because of the joy set before Him, to endure the cross and pay the sins of His own.... and guess what? I am one of them...

praying for this mother and her son who are left to deal with this horrific loss, for her friend who told me about it, praying most of all that they too could come to find this anchor... this hope that Jesus offers to all who believe.....

..Deeply satisfied... in HIM

If then you have been raised with Christ, SEEK the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  SET your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.  For you have died, and your life is HIDDEN WITH Christ IN God.  When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Colossians 3: 1-4

this has been my dwelling place for a while now, since I decided to memorize Colossians 3:1-17...

amazing once again, how God does indeed work out every little detail in our lives..

He told me to stay HIDDEN with Him again... in His heart. and so I have dwelt in His presence, hidden WITH Him IN God... delighting in His love and affection, care and concern..

this passage talks about just this....  digging deeper, sinking myself deeper into this, I have discovered yet a much deeper satisfaction than before in seeking Him, His face, His presence, His love, His personality, HIM....... choosing to go to HIM, snuggle in and enjoy this HEAVENLY relationship no matter where my circumstances would have me is becoming more of a habit, something I do right away...

good thing I choose to walk with Him closely... He is always right by my side, so I only have to enter into His embrace and lay down my head where His heart is.. this is and has been my favourite place for almost 9 years, when I first discovered how perfectly my head fits there....

heard something AMAZING ... an add on to the "SOLI DEO GLORIA" all for His glory alone, my reason for being here... not only am I here to bring glory to Him, but also to ENJOY HIM forever .......

He makes me smile, He makes my heart giggle, my soul is radiant, because of His love for me... because of who He is.... because... JUST because.. of HIM...

His presence, seeking it, is not a thing I have to check off each day... it is my hiding place, my place of refuge , but also my most delightful place, my cozy and warm and exciting and exhilarating and fun place to be...... he combines the love we all have longed for from a parent, a child, a lover... and it is all right there... undeserved... unfailing..... eternal....

no matter how long I live, I will never quite be able to figure out the depth and width of His love... that much I already know... oh to one day see His face... until then, I will love Him and seek Him, setting my mind on Him and all things above ... putting my hope in Him and Him alone...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

love is patient, love is kind... always

we had a wedding just a few weeks ago.

wedding number 3 in 9 1/2 months. all my three daughters got married it felt like almost at the same time...

this last one was a "destination" wedding in France.. everyone got together for a weekend to celebrate my daughter and her husband..

what a glorious occasion it was ... beautiful all around.. 

for broken and divorced families a weekend long wedding potentially could mean some awkward moments..  

I am thankful that in our family we made it through this more prolonged time together just fine.

forgiveness and love extended to everyone involved, not easy at first maybe, when motivated by forgiveness received from God, so much easier, and so much more what He desires for us..

for the sake of those, the children, that are caught in the middle without any fault of their own everyone made every effort to be kind and loving with one another.

Thankful that I am not pretending, I do not hold anything against anyone, I still, preparing for this event, like I said, event number 3 in a relatively short time, was observing and discerning all that was going on in my heart and any other layers of these rather complicated ( maybe more and more common, but that doesn't make it easier for those that have had to endure what this means ) circumstances, noticed something. 

I really think God, who I am always asking for wisdom and the ability, grace and strength to be who He intends for me to be, revealed this to me and after mulling it around in my head for a few weeks now I want to share this with you.

any brokenness, usually a result of some kind of sin inflicted, leaves our hearts shattered and I believe that only God, the creator of our hearts can put it back together again.

I believe also that when we are obedient to Him and deal with those situations in a godly way, like extending forgiveness as mentioned before, He is indeed faithful to do what He came for :

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

the healing that He brings is such a gift and I have been so thankful that because of it I don't need to inflict any hurt on others by being bitter or angry about old offenses...

but, and God gave me a new picture for this .. when we give God all the broken pieces, when we trust Him to take care of us and really let Him have His way in our souls, down to the deepest crevice... when He does what He does so very well, it seems that some of the jagged, sharp edges of some of those pieces can still stick out and cut us sometimes....

those would be the consequences the Bible talks about, for every sin there are always consequences, and with some we do have to live for the rest of our lives..

some things surrounding the weddings of my daughters have been tainted and have been hurtful because we are not a family anymore. and don't get me wrong, everyone has moved on and we are good.... but talk about highlighting this brokenness and bringing it to the forefront... it for sure happens, and it might happen again...

as far as it depends on me, I will, not in my own strength but in the strength of the Lord, be patient, kind, not angry, not bitter, not boastful, or rude..  I will love with the love that my Jesus has shown me, unconditional and not expecting anything in return...

getting my heart filled with His love whenever I seek Him out, and He is always right there, my heart overflows and love can flow freely to anyone He places in my sphere of influence...

when those cuts happen it might be a little harder for a moment, but I can ask for healing and wisdom  right there and then and I do not need to act on what my feelings might want to tell me, rather I take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ - bring them in line with what it means to love like Christ and all is well...

what a blessing it was to celebrate these two young people that by getting married made known to everyone around that what has happened in their families has not scared them, they are full of hope and good will to have a marriage ( and God willing a family ) that will last.

my experiences have taught me that we need the help of God who came up with marriage in the first place, to make this work, so my prayer is that all my 3 daughters and their husbands will learn how to consider others ( namely their spouses ) as more important than themselves, that they would learn to love and forgive and build a strong foundation for a lifelong commitment kept.

I am thankful for the cuts, reminders that all we do has consequences, good ones for good choices and hurtful ones for the choices that are not in line with God's perfect plan for our lives.

He is the author and perfecter of our faith and He is our manufacturer.... He made us and knows what we need and therefore.. we should read the manual and stick to it...

I just love Him!

almost 3 years... grieving my mother

it's just another Friday, have been sick for a week and am just felling a little better today..
was able to do the things on my calendar for the day, happy to return to life somewhat..

on any given day there are many moments my mother comes to my mind.
sometimes, when I can, I choose to watch the slideshow I made of pictures of her with my girls and I throughout the years..

every time I do this, even though it has now been almost 3 years since she passed away I still cry.. not for too long but the fact that I can see her on my screen but I can't touch her just gives my heart this painful jolt..

 ( this is the link to the slideshow on youtube : https://youtu.be/en-hLpV7oJM )

thinking that I need to focus on the fact that I will one day see her again and that she is perfectly and eternally happy like she never was on earth I figured something out....

the love of a mother for her child and of a child for her mother is huge. or at least it was between my mother and I,
but to say that we were always perfectly happy with each other, never had any issues or fights would be a lie.
my mother was a passionately loving and caring person and she was funny, smart and so cute.
she also was feisty and knew what she wanted, a sinner who had her own plans and her own agenda, who had her own hurts and trials, and she dealt with them as well as she could.

so, yes, as she got older and more and more bitter and negative, being around her was not always that easy.
in dealing with her own issues she became more and more manipulative and controlling and like we all do, got angry and even mean when someone or something got in her way.

so sometimes she hurt me.
sometimes I hurt her.
every time I was full of hope that things would be better next time.
I am sure she was too
I had expectations and so did she.
I got disappointed and so did she.

and then she died.

death is as painful as it is and as hard to get your heart and mind around because it is so final.
at least here. in this place.

no more hope. no more chance to get something right.
no more expectations that could be met rather than lead to disappointment.

not being there to hold her in her last hours on earth is what is the hardest for me to handle, still today...

as I was again feeling the pain of having lost my mother who I love so very much, I had this thought:

there are no unrealistic expectations in heaven.
there is no disappointment in heaven.
there is nothing to long for or regret or to be sad about in heaven.
how amazing is that ?????

and as much as the years ( and I do hope I get many more to be a Mama to my children and an Oma to my future grandchildren ) of waiting to see her again will be hard, tearful at times, I will make it through... and the reunion will be PERFECT.
no more sin. no more tears just unhindered joy, forever.

my prayers for my mother to come to know my Lord Jesus were answered by Him when reading to her a sermon by the Oncologist my father had been connected to and insisted we should go and see, two years into her cancer journey...who would have thought that a 75 year old cancer survivor / oncologist from Switzerland preaching at his church would be speaking the words that finally made my Mama see her need for a Saviour and His free gift of salvation for her...... how amazing is GOD, I am still marveling at His miraculous ways...

to worship Him together eternally is the very best ending to the story of my mother and I.

I am BLESSED!

why should we be saved from nightmares....

driving for 6 hours to see family last week had me sifting through my iTunes and listen to songs I hadn't listened to in a long time..

and there it was
the marvel
the song, given to me by a friend who was sent to strengthen me in this trying time 9 years ago.
when hanging on for another day was not such a sure thing but needed a new decision every day.

Held

by Natalie Grant.

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

if you know me, you know that I am QUITE INTENSE... in all my feeling and everything... so, obviously I am listening to a song that speaks to where I am ( let me clarify, I did not lose a child, thanks to the Lord, but my husband had walked away after cheating on me with my cousin, leaving me and my children forever ) on REPEAT.... all the time.

the words that stuck out to me were many.

why should I be saved from nightmares?

why should I be rescued ?

when the sacred, the promised is torn from your life... 

and you survive - because you have to-

it all comes down to one thing:

I find out what it means to be loved,

it means to be held WHEN it all falls apart

was walking this road with another woman who had experienced a very similar thing, 

sharing with her what God was showing me she could not accept it.

she couldn't let go of how wrong it was, how unfair it was, and got stuck there.

so thankful that He let me see it was about Him all along.

never about the things we could lose.

but Him.

the lyrics go on,

taking it even one step further.

if hope is born of suffering ( and yes, I knew this now )

what if this is only the beginning ???????????????? 

things continued to get worse,

the realities of the "mistress" being my closest and most loved relative

my parents hiding from me the dinner they had with "them"

my mother telling me, when I said something she didn't like, that I deserved to be cheated on

dealing with what all of this did to my children. alone. broken myself.

all the details of figuring life out on our own and regular, daily life in a world that's broken by sin.

even when we slowly found our footing and recovered from the blow of a broken marriage

the Lord allowed more losses and trials in my life,

to this day there are many levels of difficulty and trial, sadness and sorrow..

yet,

through this all I know without a shadow of a doubt that

WHEN it falls ( not if ) He is always there and I am always held.

my hope CANNOT be in someone or some circumstance but only in Him.

He, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

so, nine years after all this went down,

there is another song,

shared, again by someone who has been sent to strengthen me in times that are hard, who I can strengthen by pointing her to Him

 -what a wonderful thing that is, thank you Lord-

this is the song:

Broken Hallelujah

by Mandisa

With my love and my sadness

I come before You Lord

My heart's in a thousand pieces

Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment

You're with me somehow

And You've always been faithful

So Lord even now

When all that I can sing

Is a broken hallelujah

When my only offering

Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration

Will rise up from these ruins

And I will worship You

And give You thanks

Even when my only praise

Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given

Much more than I deserve

And I have felt Your hand of blessing

On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness

Your wisdom, Your grace

Oh Lord hear my heart

In this painful place

When all that I can sing

Is a broken hallelujah

When my only offering

Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration

Will rise up from these ruins

And I will worship You

And give You thanks

we all are facing sadness and sorrow throughout our lives,

the question is which road will you take?

are you going to stay in a place that blames and is upset about how unfair it all is?

or are you going to run to Him and pour out your heart to Him,

trusting that He will hold you,

bringing Him your tears and your broken heart 

and praise Him

because that's what He deserves

He who willingly took the punishment and suffering for you

I thank Him today even for the hurts and the suffering the break up of my marriage inflicted on me and my children...

without it I wouldn't know what it means to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held!!

by HIM... who deserves my broken Hallelujah

a callous heart??????? no, rather not!!!

I do get so overwhelmed by my feelings sometimes.
so many thoughts are swirling around in my mind.
trying to make sense of them is one of the reasons I have to write.

yesterday, when worshipping in church, lifting high the name of Jesus,
once again my soul was overwhelmed by this wave of deeply felt joy..
it never fails to make me tear up.. good tears straight from my heart
I am so looking forward to what moments like these are a foretaste of.

then the sermon.
admonished to not walk any longer like someone who doesn't know God.
no longer blinded to truth.
no longer foolishly rejecting God who has made Himself known to everyone through creation
no longer having a hardened heart...

I can, maybe even unknowingly, choose to become hardened again,
callous, if I am walking like those that don't know Him,
don't belong to Him
I will, as I am exposing myself to sensuality and every kind of impurity become greedy for more and more of the self satisfying lusts that are luring me away,
I will become callous and will start accepting evil as normal

oh may it not be so.
because,
how could I ever become callous, numb and unfeeling towards the glory of my Lord??????

I do not want to be less satisfied in Him
I love being satisfied in Him
basking in His love and glory
in the wonderfully illuminating light and warmth of His presence.
that's what overwhelms me

when I listen to a dear friend and her husband sharing the story of their 8 year long journey with the son they finally were able to adopt,
when I get to hear my own child and her husband pray with humble hearts,
when my husband shares with me something only God could have put in His heart...
when I know that God is at work,
the waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness that He, and only He, is!

then my spirit soars with the Holy Spirit in me
in perfect harmony
and my soul gets a glimpse of what hanging out at the mansion with Jesus will one day feel like.

oh how marvelous is He, how beautiful is He to me
drawing near, He is holding me close, I can hear His heart beat
and all my stress, my fear and my anxiety leaves my body..

so I pray.
I ask Him to help me love Him more,
to want to know Him more,
to trust Him more and to always, always, always, always
want to walk with Him, only Him.

what does the former life of mine have to offer?
it's all worthless and foolish,
promising satisfaction, and never coming through..
all lies.

thanking Him for the ability to discern,
through His living and active Word that is sharper than a two edged sword,
to know the intentions and desires of my heart...
a heart that is wicked and deceitful..
I am not trusting it, but rather HIM....

This God,
His way is perfect.
The Word of the Lord proves true.
He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.

so loved.
by Him.
soaring with Him

... to sin or not to sin?????

so..... what motivates you to do good things?
 ( instead of bad things )

is it so that others like you more?

or even love you ?

is it so that others don't get upset with you?

to avoid conflict?

is it just something that you do ( because you are such a wonderful human being ;)

what is it??

the next question would have to be, what are these good things and who defines what is good anyways?

and am I capable of doing the good things or will I fail if I rely on my own strength to change my behaviour??

as a Christian I am believing a few things when it comes to these questions..

1.  I am a sinner.  and (apart from some common grace that God just distributes to anyone )  I am utterly selfish, proud and a slave to sin. I am lost and separated from God who is holy and cannot tolerate sin.
2. God sent His son to the world to pay for sin once and for all, and to defeat Satan ( and with it sin ) by rising from the dead.
3. Believing that 2. was done for me by Jesus, acknowledging that I am a sinner in need of a Saviour I receive the free and undeserved gift ( grace ) of forgiveness for my sins and I am now restored to a relationship with God. I become a child of God.
4. His Holy Spirit comes to dwell in me and because of this the power that resurrected Jesus from the dead is in me, I am no longer a slave to sin and can choose to sin no more. 

as a Christian I also by default have become a disciple, a follower of Christ and the calling that God has given me is to be holy, as He is holy.

BAM.
there you go

that's not something I can achieve... or can I?

so, what motivates me?

is it gratitude for what He has done for me?
would that mean that I have to try and repay Him for what He did?
work my way to somehow be worthy of what He has done for me?

is grace something that has to be paid off?
like a debt?
NO... obviously not... it is, after all called a free gift...

so then what?
is it my delight in Him?
because I love Him that much
because I treasure Him over everything???

that's sounds better somehow..

 but can I ???

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.  For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being,  but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.  Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

Romans 7: 15-25

so my flesh and my spirit will be fighting this out until He takes me home.

can I ever reach this holiness goal?

will I ever be able to not believe the lies sin is promising?

not completely while in this body, but with an ever increasing ability..

as I am looking to Him

treasuring Him

believing Him to be worthy

relying on Him

seeking His presence and to stay there..

only when I believe that, like when He gave me grace when He saved me,

He also will continue to give me grace.

that all the promises He makes He will keep

that being His and living out this eternal relationship with Him is far greater than anything I could ever wish for or imagine.

believing that He is who He says He is...

only because He is so much more committed to me 

than I could ever be to Him

only because He is faithful, always,

 when I am not....

only because of faith in future grace can I stay the course

no matter what kind of storm is raging around me and inside of me...

because He is who He says He is

and He does what He says He will do

that's what motivates me

there you go :)

just a few too many losses....

we went to a funeral home today.

I will go there again tomorrow for the memorial service.

it's because a wonderful and sweet man passed away on January 1.

he was our neighbor

he was the husband of a dear friend of mine.

he was an older gentleman, and he was sick.

had been sick for quite a while and so it seems it's kind of ok maybe. ( not really )

I also found out today that a dear friend of mine passed away yesterday.

this was unexpected.

she wasn't quite that old.

I haven't seen her a lot since I moved here.

but I loved her and cared about her.

both of these people have left behind loved ones.

my heart breaks for them because I know how it feels to lose someone you love so much.

my friend from Canada had two daughters and grandchildren.

I can imagine how the daughters feel. I am daughter that was left behind.

our neighbor, my friend, lost her husband.

I have lost a husband. not to death, but to betrayal and divorce.

not the same.

so I don't know how she feels.

but my heart nevertheless breaks for her.

it's because I know that death is so unnatural for us.

we are eternal souls... each and everyone of us.

we were not intended to die.

go through the terrible experience of death of a loved one.

we are made in the image of God and therefore to experience the death of another person 

cuts us to the core.

it's just not meant to be that way.

thankfully, so very very very thankfully,

both the people that passed away knew Jesus.

and therefore we can be sure that they are now in His presence.

both of them believed that by His death on the cross He had paid the debt for their sin

and reconciled them to the Father.

though they had not seen Him, they loved Him,

through they didn't see Him yet they believed in Him and because of that are now filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, they have now received the goal of their faith, the salvation of their souls...

I learned something just a little time ago...

every time God calls one of His people home, He is actually answering the prayer of Jesus 

from almost 2000 years ago... and this is what He prayed:

Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world!

John 17:24

I am not sure the wife who lost her husband last week is ready to hear this quite yet... I will be right there to share it with her once she is...I only know that it makes my loss from almost 3 years ago a little easier to bear...

it was Jesus who wished to have my beloved mother with Him when her time came... so that she could see His glory, to finally be fully satisfied, filled with this inexpressible and glorious joy... that joy that we can't even imagine... and that's ok with me... no matter how much I miss telling her about all these things that have been  piling up over all the many months she hasn't been around anymore... 

"it's not supposed to be this way....."

a well known Christian author just recently released a book with this title, or at least something similar...

wasn't quite sure what she was talking about but just saw a picture of her and her husband renewing their wedding vows...so, I now know that her " not supposed to be this way" had to do with her marriage falling apart..

see, when I went through my marriage breaking up and the following years, I often called the hard stuff the "not-supposed-to-be-that-way" moments"

those, I knew it very soon into the whole ordeal were not just limited to the moment of impact. the moment I received the email that my husband was not going to come back. that he had decided to leave us forever, a week before Christmas.
they weren't going to be limited to me lying on the floor screaming ( I did compare it to a deer that had been hit ) and the agony it was to tell the kids... the Christmas I am not sure how we survived and the long hard weeks following the casual dismissal of a lifelong covenant...

no, they are not limited to any of this, in fact, they are still going on.
two weddings of my daughters made that very clear indeed.

it's just not supposed to be that way.

it's a true statement.

This is what Jesus said in Mark 10:2-10

And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”  He answered them, “What did Moses command you?”  They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.”  And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.  But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’  ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

so, no, it's not supposed to be that way.

neither is it supposed to be that way that we hate a brother in our heart.
or that we impatiently make a hurtful remark
or think of ourselves above others...

the first "not-supposed-to-be-like-that-way" moment happened in the garden.
when Eve took the fruit.
when Adam didn't stop her but instead went along.
the rest, as they say is history.....

the good news is, that at the fullness of time God did indeed send the solution that He had planned before the beginning of time to earth.
the beloved Son, the Darling of Heaven, in the form of a baby, entered this world..
He came to lay down His life, the spotless lamb, wrapped in swaddling cloths as to not get any blemish on Him, sinless, and therefore able to atone for our sins once and for all, He was crushed for our sake.
He rose again and defeated death, so everyone who believes in Him can be free ..
free to have a relationship with God,
free to sin no more
free from fear
free from Satan's condemnation.....


I saw that this famous author's marriage was restored, new vows were whispered, promises made.
I am rejoicing with her and her family. God is indeed good.

for me, not that outcome.
no restoration of the marriage.
no miracle.

and yet, He did restore the years the locusts have eaten, He did use for good what was intended for evil, He got the glory and I got the good...

because one of the main lessons I learned was this:
my hope is in Him.
not in my miraculously restored circumstance.
not even in my children not being hurt and affected by this sin, over and over again.

no.
in Him.

in the meantime He has even restored some of the circumstances in wonderful ways.
scars, for sure, moments, for sure, but He, who is my hope,
He is always there.
He never disappoints
He never leaves or forsakes.

so.
how "not-supposed-to-be-that-way" are the "not-supposed-to-be-that-way"moments and trials and various griefs???

is He not sovereign over all of them?
have they not been orchestrated informed by His purposeful goodness???

I think so.

so I rejoice, even though I might be enduring trials of many kinds, since my momentary and light afflictions are achieving for me an eternal glory that FAR outweighs them all.

God is most glorified in us,
when we are most satisfied in Him

SOLI DEO GLORIA

a new creation. the old has passed away

a month or so ago my Highschool Graduating class had their 35 Year Reunion ( oh my goodness , I am OLD )
anyways, since this obviously is happening in Germany, I, once again, decided not to go :)

yesterday pictures were posted in a Dropbox so everyone could see them.

at first I didn't even recognize most of the "middle aged German people" ;)
it made me think.



I never felt I belonged or fit in, and don't get me wrong, I was well enough liked and ok ( at least that's what I remember )
yet I have not had any meaningful, if any at all, interaction with any of them, since the year we graduated and no desire whatsoever to make the trip to reconnect

nothing to do with the nice people over there... but most likely everything with me

sitting in church with a dear friend Sunday afternoon, taking part in the Celebration of Life of a sweet lady from my church, hearing all the wonderful things that were shared...
a life lived well representing Christ to her family, friends and Church family I once again marveled at how good God has been to me and how deeply in love I am with Him..

I have always been the black sheep, the odd one out in my family... I did feel that somehow I did not fit in with my surroundings..

when God through Jesus opened my eyes to who He is and who I am in Him and what His plan and purpose for my life really is, all this changed.

the sanctuary was filled with people whose lives had been touched by this wonderful woman of God and it made me think that between my new home of 3 1/2 half years in Michigan and my family of Christ in Canada I have also been blessed to have been woven into this colourful and special fabric of the family God has given me...

sharing what is the most important thing in our lives, our relationship with Christ makes for a deep connection like no other,  and this is a wonderful truth

outward differences like nationality, upbringing, economical status, age, race or anything like that is just not that important at all..

I am amazed over and over again how God so expertly connects us, how we support and encourage  and get supported and encouraged..

stirring one another up to a life of godliness is one magnificent purpose to have been given.
equipped with specific spiritual gifts He places us strategically where we can bless the most.

from walking alongside a hurting sister helping her work through a crisis to babysitting some little children, so the parents can go Christmas shopping... coming together as a group to celebrate a life lived well for Jesus and organizing women's events, taking flowers to a sick neighbour and spending hours praying for all those the Lord has put into one's life...

then, together we can reach out to those who are struggling in the world and with the compassion of Christ we can offer to them the hope that we have....
I must say I feel rich, richer than I ever thought I could be.

reflecting on yesterday's ceremony again I am hoping that when I have passed on to be in the presence of my Lord forever mine will also be a celebration of who He has been in and through me and He alone will get the glory!

As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious,  you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 2: 4-5

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works

Hebrews 10:24

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;  that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.  Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.

2 Corinthians 5: 17-20

presenting the cross through my suffering?????

it's been a few of these days... precisely 6 days of this actually...
hurt being inflicted, neglect, rejection and all those things that trigger those connections in the brain made in early, early childhood..

the soul, healed from the pain from way back when, taught how to deal with it better by God's Word, finds peace much easier, and that is good.
the body might still want to go into the panic mode and exhibit the same kind of stress related symptoms.... but hopefully even those will subside over time... sometimes I am telling my body to catch up... I am at peace about this... no headaches or gastritis flair ups necessary, thank you very much !!!!!

being able to take the silent treatment rejection, understanding that it's not me who is being rejected, but really what God is wanting to do, I can accept the pain resulting from it as suffering that God allows to accomplish His will,
and...... God has been lavishing some more insight and wisdom on me in regards to that...

( that's cool!!!!! )

so, reading in Ephesians 3: 1-13 this week I saw that I, too, am a steward of God's grace.. yup, like Paul, we all have been given God's grace and now have to be faithful stewards of what has been given to us and give it to others... not new, but just understood on a deeper level maybe?

I can share, be a steward of God's grace,
by forgiving someone's sin,
by being loving, kind, patient,
by being forbearing

also, like in the context of this passage,
I am to speak God's truth to others..
as in share the Good News,
but more than that, speak truth in love...

ha... so, by "just" being willing to forgive, I might allow a loved one to stay in their sin,
maybe being a minister  / steward of grace means that I can't just let my love cover over a sin any longer..
when does forbearing become forgiving without repentance from the perpetrator????
when does it become enabling and actually is hindering God from doing what He wants to do?????

so... I have been waiting,
I have been accepting the icy rejection.
I have tried to not take it personally ( this used to make me scream "IT IS PERSONAL" - God has done a lot of work in me, thank you Jesus )
I have communicated my love and my willingness to work on things
and I am waiting.

the punches that are thrown at my heart still inflict pain..
no need to pretend otherwise
because,
there is another new tidbit of truth given to me this morning  ( SO AMAZING )

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church. 

(Colossians 1:24)

"God intends for the afflictions of Christ to be presented to the world through the afflictions of his people. ( Get your head around that.)

God really means for the body of Christ, the church, to experience some of the suffering he experienced so that when we proclaim the cross as the way to life, people will see the marks of the cross in us and feel the love of the cross from us. " John Piper

there.
I am:
a receiver of His grace
a steward of His grace
a picture of His grace
in my sufferings I am an example of what He has done for me on the cross - He suffered for my sins
in my sufferings I am an example of how He deals with me - with grace, forgiving and loving.

I don't deserve it
the people that hurt me don't deserve it...

but that's the path that God has laid out for me.

so I am waiting

in His time He makes all things beautiful,
trust Him xo

... cut the ties???

it's a weird feeling.
it's two things going on at the same time on a very deep emotional level

feeling exposed, raw, small, broken, abused, neglected, disposed, tossed around and trampled on, disrespected and disregarded..
and ...glowing joy... overflowing, unstoppable, overwhelming
that joy that comes from thankfulness and gratitude for the God who loves me and is so good to me,
from knowing that I do not deserve that God, the mighty and magnificent Creator of the Earth who reigns over EVERYTHING
who spoke galaxies into being and whose will cannot be thwarted, to stoop down to me, pick me up and hold me close...
that God choosing to become flesh taking on the form of a servant, considering the joy of making a way for me to be reconciled to Him worth being put to shame and nailed to a cross...
raising from the dead, displaying His might, defeating death and Satan...
it has my mind twirling around..

all along working my life out for his glory..
from the little 4 year old that loved the little memory verses and the Bible stories to the young girl that was hurt again and again by one she should have been able to trust.
a childhood where violence and angry outbursts ruled and somehow were twisted into a reality ...
the aggression, the demeaning put downs and painful words..... the fear and the anxiety, the insecurity and the belief that this was somehow normal and deserved...

hanging around the people that have shared and still might be bound by and connected to this reality much more than I am, is never ever good for me. I know it.
and now over the last months through the exposure to the "toxic" people remembering more and more of these incidents, I am sure by God's perfect design and purpose... He is doing something in me...

and as much as I do not agree with the whole " we need to cut ties of the toxic relationships" motto, I know that if this amazing Saviour hadn't entered my life 24 years ago I would for sure have to do just this..

some newer experiences have highlighted again just how detrimental the time spent with this original family is for me,
and, just how amazing God is ... surrounding me with a family put together by Him... my sisters and brothers in Christ...
who step in and bless so naturally, as if it was the most normal thing in the world..

this wedding a few days ago was one of those moments of clarity again... showers of blessings from God and His people making it the most amazingly magical event ... far outweighing the disappointments, frustrations and hurts inflicted by those that just shouldn't do that...

listened to an amazing sermon by John Piper on my way to Canada to take care of some of my family members right after the wedding...
this is what I heard...

everything that comes my way is GRACE... every hurt and pain and suffering is not wasted here on earth... somehow the small child that was beaten and screamed at was always safe and secure in her Father's arms... all along He had a plan, He was already working on refining and shaping, He was working on getting me to the place where He would personally lift me out of all this by revealing Himself to me... by binding up my broken heart, tenderly collecting all the pieces and putting them back together, holding me, comforting me and in it all He has been in the business of making me more like Him, through all the heartache and loneliness and fear and pain...

I thank Him that He allowed me to be desperate when I met Him
I thank Him that I already knew that I too was very capable of sinning
I thank Him that I had no more hope, my world was that bad and I was that weak that I had no way of being hopeful in anything anymore..

and then He showed up... and He is my hope
and I will never ever be casual about Him
or His people, His cause, His will...

I know that I have no good thing apart from Him.
I know that He is the One who upholds me with His righteous right hand
I know that it is only His power that gives me strength and makes me able to do good things

I know that it's not about me, it is all about Him

do I have to cut the ties?
He has already removed me quite a bit.
so, no, I don't need to apply some kind of self defense,
He is my defender, He lifts me up high upon a rock....and keeps me safe.

He is the author and perfecter not only of my faith but of every little detail of my life...
all leading up to what others meant for evil to be turned into good for me, who loves Him with all my heart, soul and mind and strength...

To Him Be The Glory Forever and Ever...

Escape?????

it's just too much sometimes 
and if there was a way to escape having to deal with issues 
I would SO go for that.

I know that there is no way, 

and that we have to face even worse things 

if we hide and blame shift and just go with our feelings 

instead of doing what is right.

I have seen it fail, all those things I could come up with myself..

fail in too many ways to count.

I have watched people around me.

my own parents,

other family members 

friends...

it never works

some try and escape by focusing on things,

nice things, things you can buy, or make or eat

or on other people, 

new people, people without issues ( for now) ..

-that can potentially turn out really bad-

some try and find some more fun things to do

add some hobbies

travel

be active - no time for reflection.. no

others go for the achievements

more titles

more money

more significance..

or pleasures...

alcohol

drugs

sex

in the end.. no one can escape 

staying in this place of 

"I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE"

is not a good thing

stubbornness keeps me there.

sometimes fear 

or some kind of hopelessness

sometimes even for a couple of days.

when it hurts too much to face it all

that's when I turn away and pretend I don't know.

all I can do is pray then.

just crying out for help

no eloquent prayers..

no battle plans.

just a cry for mercy

so thankful for the Psalms

it's the perfect place for me to go when I feel this way...

Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me,

    for I am poor and needy.

 Preserve my life, for I am godly;

    save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God.

 Be gracious to me, O Lord,

    for to you do I cry all the day.

 Gladden the soul of your servant,

    for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.

 For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,

    abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.

 Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;

    listen to my plea for grace.

 In the day of my trouble I call upon you,

    for you answer me.

time does not heal wounds

time does not make things better

new people don't make things better

a vacation or decorating the house doesn't make things better

me taking my eyes of the issues and the hurt and the mountain and fixing them on Him

that's what makes things better.

in His time

in His way

crying out and moving into Him

leaning into Him

opening my fists and letting Him pick me up

that's what makes things better

abiding in Him

staying in His presence

helps me to trust

again

because 

let's face it

there is no other way

letting His presence wash over me and fill me

surrendering my hurt and my anger

my entitlement

my rebelliousness

that's what makes it better 

not necessarily the issues

not necessarily my circumstances yet

I am better 

when I am with Him

better than when I turn away

fists clenched

just tired and so done..

can't escape it by myself

I just can't..

and...

I don't have to

SO THANKFUL FOR THAT

God is at work. He does not slumber. 

Christ intercedes. He does not fail. 

The Spirit comforts. He does not forsake. 

Be at rest. Be at peace. 

Your name at the end of the day is Beloved.❤️