....do not worry....

... okay, so today I was catching myself worrying about how I will be able to afford the house I bought...things are not working out the way I thought they could or should....now that in itself is hard because it has so many layers of unfairness and disappointment.. it's difficult to even sort through...

.....but all these things put aside, I am at a place where I have to prove if I mean what I say, walk the talk, put my trust in God, or not....

So as I realized that I was worrying about it, I stopped and prayed right there...I used to say to whoever wanted to hear it that if I could choose I would prefer love and peace in my small little shack over the tension and coldness we had in our "mansion".. what are beautiful things compared to love, peace and acceptance...

Well... I guess the choice was made for me... someone left, the tension and constant criticism decreased, other hurt and pain was added because of the breaking apart of a family, and the mansion had to be vacated...

There is more peace in the daily life... the new house is going to be smaller and less "fancy"....my need for security that I am fully aware of for the first time in my life is not being met...  so this is now where the rubber hits the road... do I trust Him for my financial security or not...

He has proven Himself to me in so may ways, how could I not trust Him now.. I have put my trust in Him and chosen not to fight about all these issues when settling this part of the separation agreement... trusting that there is something He has for us, me and my girls, and I believe this with all my heart. Somehow I thought things would be a little different still, but, no matter what he is the One that will give me and all of us all we will ever need.

Hebrews 13:5+6 says this:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 

"Never will I leave you; 

 never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, 

 "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid." 

 1 Timothy: 7+8 says:

For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 

And lastly Matthew 6:25-27

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life....

So there, no surprises here, the Word has the answer...I am blessed, my Ex-husband is taking good care of our financial needs for now... the "security" that I would have found had my plan worked out is so much better safely held in my Father's hand... He will provide, Jehovah Jirah..... after all that's who He is...

I love how He grows me, there is so much I still need to surrender.. I am amazed at how gentle He is exposing one area at a time... His love blows me away, once again...

Oh, how He loves you and me... We Praise You Lord...

... just keep on reaching....

... have you ever felt like you want to just run away and hide from all the horrible stuff you are dealing with? I hate how the dysfunction that surrounds me pulls me down... can I just shake the dust off my sandals and leave?
Medicating is a new word I am hearing... it's when someone dealing with trauma and grief just wants to numb himself... thanks to God the only " addiction" I have is to "Kinder Bueno"....not good for my tummy but not mind altering...I thank God for making me stronger than that, stronger than having to flood my brain with alcohol or drugs, stronger than having to throw myself into a new relationship for some illusion of security... I am thankful that He is REAL to me, more meaningful than any disappointment inflicted by lost and fallen people, people that even though they should have my best interest in mind can only see themselves ( and no, I am not talking about my EX-husband)...I am just so very very thankful that 16 years ago after praying to God for 6 months and begging Him to reveal Himself to me He did....and now I have the mind, strength, power, peace and joy of Christ in me... never to disappoint me ever... Wow...
Okay, so now I already don't want to run away anymore... I marvel at His love and grace... I love Him for who He is... the fog is lifting once again, not the first time in the last few days... I can see Him clearly... the smile He has in His face... actually His eyes are smiling with a love that we can never ever see here on earth.. and it makes me smile, smile through the tears... smile back at Him...
and I keep on reaching... when my destiny is out there in the distance...but the road ahead is a mine field in disguise.. and you keep on moving... you will make it through this... just give it time, you gotta give it time..This is what you're made for, standing in the Downpour, knowing that the sun will shine, forget what lies behind you, heaven walks beside you... YOU GOT TO GIVE IT ONE MORE TRY....
( Michael W. Smith.. One more try  / Wonder )

...Thanksgiving...

Thank You for a beautiful, sunny, fall morning..
Thank you for a wonderful time of chatting with me, Daddy
Thank you for receiving my burdens and taking care of them for me
Thank You that I can trust You for the impossible
Thank You that Your plans for my life are to prosper me and not to harm me
Thank You that you will complete the work You started in me.
Thank You that You are sovereign
Thank You for revealing Yourself to me so amazingly


Thank You for walking with me and carrying me
Thank You for a day that is going to be spent serving You
Thank You for a 4  day weekend coming up!!!!!
Thank You for time to be spent with all my girls
Thank You for a " I love doing bathrooms" when telling my youngest tomorrow we will clean the house...
Thank You for loving me and my daughters ..
Thank You for the abundant life You have for us....
Thank You for caring and being faithful...
 I shall forever praise Your Holy name.... serve and love You with all my heart, soul and mind..
You are amazing...

Amen

...Divorce is final...

... so, on Monday, the day the offer for the new house became official... that Monday, the judge signed the Divorce papers and I got them in the mail today....

Grief, the process one has to go through after a loss... learned about it at the Post Abortion Counseling Seminar, at DivorceCare, at the Women's Retreat and at the Adoption Advocate training I am doing.... have been learning about it  personally for the last year and a bit.... the finality of it, the loss, since December 18 last year....

I have screamed, I have been in shock, I have been angry , I have been sad and depressed... I have forgiven and accepted, I have gotten new hope... and so shouldn't I be happy it is finally official, and, as the "goody two shoes Christian girl" I have been trying to be, I now am allowed to enter into a relationship if it so happened that this amazingly on fire for God, good looking, fun and serious at the same time, cool and computer savvy guy, who LOVES children and doggies...just walked up to me and wanted to take me out on a date..... how come all I am feeling is this profound sadness.....

I learned that the healing from the losses you experience does not go on a nicely uphill path... that there are ups and downs, and again, personally have been there.. just the last few days have been especially trying... with hashing it all through again with my mother, hearing what my cousin has been saying, how she rationalizes what she has done to me...with the kids celebrating Thanksgiving with their Dad and his girlfriend and them struggling emotionally with this too.......so really, this is to be expected and it is needed...

God is still who He is and He still loves me, I lost my husband, I lost his affection, his love, his commitment, his protection, my security, our future, our hopes and dreams, his support and help in every day things, I do not "belong" to anyone anymore and I am very hurt and LONELY, but I have not lost the one who will never leave me or forsake me...

All these feelings are highlighted today...I am processing as I am writing this, I need to. I know that my faithful Daddy is holding me tight and giving me all that I need, while He stays with me in the turmoil of this wave... until it all calms down again and He will put me on my feet and we will walk together again... oh what a friend I have in Jesus... what would I do without Him?

... forgiveness extended...

Forgive us our debts, 
      as we also have forgiven our debtors. 
 And lead us not into temptation, 
   but deliver us from the evil one. 
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. 
(Matthew 6:12-15)


it's pretty straight forward.... no ifs or buts... Jesus is clear in His teachings about forgiveness.. 


why is it we are having such a hard time??


when a sin has been committed against us we are longing for justice... everything inside us cries out for it to be dealt with swiftly.. Now, have you ever thought about why the Lord is so adamant about us forgiving, even those who have not asked for it, even those that continue to sin against us ( 7 times 7 )... 


Revenge is mine says the Lord.... wonder why He says that? Because He is the only one who can be just, since He is the only one who is holy and without sin... how just could we really be when someone has hurt or humiliated us or someone we love?


right... that's why... also, forgiveness is a choice, it does not mean that we excuse the sin, it does not mean we say it is okay, it does not mean that we necessarily have to reconcile, that depends totally on the circumstances... wisdom is sometimes telling us to stay away for good..


forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice. It is also an issue of obedience between us and God... when we forgive we accept to live with the consequences of the other persons sin and say that we will never bring it up again...


humanly this is not possible... with Christ like everything else He asks us to do, it is possible.. it actually will allow the healing, the feelings to come... the chain that has kept us connected to the one who sinned against us is broken when we forgive and we are now free to move on.


forgiveness is something  I didn't deserve when Christ chose to take the punishment for my sins and to die on the cross for me.. as He so willingly paid for my sins so that I could be forgiven, how can I not in turn forgive the one who has sinned against  me. 


today I acted upon the forgiveness I had granted to someone very close to me... I took it a step further by trying to reconcile.. by that I have exposed myself to the possibility to be hurt again.... but even this is something I can do through Christ who is my protector and healer... if there will be another blow from this person I will do what I have done many times, I will accept the pain that is inflicted and forgive.... I will need to take time to heal... I will need to draw closer to my Lord and I will love Him more...I will appreciate Him more and will depend on Him more... I know that because that is the way it has been working out for me for the past 16 years....


following Him with all my heart, soul and mind is not an easy road, but it leads me into the embrace of my Saviour every time and that is and will always be the best place for me to be...

... Hope... a reality...

.....rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him....He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly.....


DirvorceCare was rather depressing yesterday...anger was the topic... somehow the hope we have was not communicated well enough...I get that we need to allow the anger and not try to fix each other with scriptures... but, where is the hope when we don't do that?
Allow people their feelings... yes, and definitely every one has to process them in their own time...


But... as Christians we are called to a higher standard, and not only that, we HAVE a much  "higher" hope... we have the only hope... and we have an example.. Christ Himself... He was accused, abused and killed, He never retaliated... and He interceded for His abusers and killers before He breathed His last breath...


With Him in us, we too CAN do this, once we decide to let go He is the one who will work it out in us and through us...if we do not look to Him we are stuck in our circumstances and I agree, that's a horrible place at times, hopeless and bleak, dark and cold..


But this is the point, this is not the reality of a Christian.... no matter the circumstances we have the peace that passes all understanding at our fingertips.. we just need to take hold of it, and I can say this... it  never leaves me for much longer than a few hours...as much as I appreciate that I am loved even if I continue to struggle and that I do not have to "perform" for the Lord.. that He has compassion for me and allows me to experience the pain and all the feelings attached ( and yes this does include anger ) His love and comfort are always leading me out of it to the place where I can let go, have to let go... forgiveness is the key... humility, surrender and gratitude for what Christ has done. 


It just left me feeling weird... last night... it all sounded as if there was no hope.... but there is... even if the circumstances are dire and don't seem to be changing.... He is our Hope... and He is all we need...the Hope is in Him, not in our circumstances changing for the better... if this is not helping us then what is our faith anyways??? 


I am thankful that the Lord has had me on this road of seeing myself for who I am, my brokenness and my sinfulness..I know I have no "right" to happiness... I am rejoicing in the fact that He chose me and I am precious to Him, even if rejected by men...


It is all by grace, the undeserved gift He keeps on giving to me.... and all I desire is to thank Him for that by living my life authentically before Him and the world and share Him with those around me...

...a light in the darkness...

staying... rocking back and forth in the pain... curled up and tired.. sad, realizing more and more that this is something you CANNOT avoid... so you better face it... like going to the dentist.. escaping is only possible for a time, but will only lead to more complications.. this world is a world full of troubles, heartache and injustices... man in his fallen and broken form only cares about himself and is prone to continually make the wrong choices that will lead to painful consequences, not only for himself but many around him... lost in a lost world... until the LIGHT penetrates the darkness and the God of the Universe finds us. we are not even necessarily looking for Him, but He comes anyways, He actually has had us in His mind from before the beginning of the world and His heart has been breaking watching us stumble around in the darkness until the fullness of time finally was here...full of love, compassion and joy does He then follow us right into the middle of the turmoil, holding us as we live through the emotions that assault us and then gently leading us out of the darkness into His marvelous light..

laying down His life, His rights, His comforts, His closeness with the Father... to bring us back to him... enduring His own heartache and wounds.. so that we could be healed.. is there anything greater than this? once He opens our eyes and takes the blinders off we are overwhelmed with who we are, how depraved and broken we really are and our heart and soul instantly fills with thankfulness and awe... with a love that leaves our hearts welling up with tears every time we draw closer into His presence... He is there, He can be found, He is LOVE, He is CARE, He is LIGHT, He is my All in All...

tired, bruised and sad.. I curl up, rocking back and forth and let Him tend to the deepest little niches hidden away in my heart.. any place that since my "prenatal state" has been hurt and damaged... and with His loving touch the old wounds get cleaned, dealt with... finally healing, slowly.... from here onwards it is all about believing that He did just this... staying close to Him and abiding in Him...

Because I know this to be true...
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
 we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He claimed us as His own and that's what we will be... it is safe in the arms of our Shepherd, our Saviour!!! Never alone ever again!

... A Prayer of Lament....

Lord... I know you know everything that is on my heart and on my mind....I knew there was no reason for me to ever try to hide my feeling from you, and thanks to You I never felt the need to do that..., after all, You know everything... You also are the one who put me together the way I am...You made my brain, my emotions, You are fully aware of my behaviour patterns and dysfunctions... You can take it when I am angry ......Right now I just need to tell You what I am feeling.

I love you for that, that I can be real with you.. you love me... Your love for me is much bigger than that, you can take a prayer of lament...

Lord when I tell you that I feel a little tired now, that all of this is just not fair, that I am kind of tired of facing trials, and as much as I am so thankful for knowing you more through all of this and really, I would not even want to go back to who and where I was before the whole ordeal happened... sometimes I am just tired of it.

I am also a little scared, and I do not have to pretend to have more trust in You than I have.. You know that it is my prayer to know you and trust You more.. but I am afraid... what if there will never be a "flesh and blood " man to really love me and cherish me? What if there is no one for me , what if your plans are very different... yes, I know that whatever it is You will bless me,.... but You know me enough to know that I LONG for this earthly happiness... it bugs me right now that You DO care more about my holiness than my happiness... and I get it... I know and I appreciate it... I am blessed beyond anything I could have imagined to be Your daughter, Your friend and that Your love for me is everlasting...
But... and there is the "but"... I really , really, really so long for love HERE.....

I know You are at work in me... I know You are transforming me into Your likeness, I know that it is not about me, but about all the others you will let me minister to, and yes, it is fulfilling, actually, I love it...but...... here I go again...... but please, please...a man to share my heart for ministry with, a man to worship You with, a man to care for and to love and respect.....for once in my life to have someone love me like you love the church....
Lament... crying out, being real, authentic.... because when we verbalize it, when we give it to You we also have the chance of maybe leaving it with You...You know my heart, You know how much I want to surrender, and the truth is I AM, but still.... I am still wondering and hoping and wishing....

I love you... can You just pick me up and hold me? Can I stay in Your arms? With my head on Your shoulder and my eyes closed... hearing Your heartbeat... feeling safe....
Thank You Jesus, You are a GEM....I praise You, and I choose to trust You again, tonight and always..

Thanks for caring, thanks for allowing me to be real....thanks for giving me the courage to keep on going...I praise You.....AMEN

... The Holy and the Horrible???

....spent the last 4 days focusing on my faith and sharing it with friends.. worshipping, with my heart on my sleeves as always, drinking in His love. More convinced than ever that I am on the right path...the concert was a real treat...out of this world...  :)


Learned so much at the women's retreat, what an amazing speaker we had, never met a more genuine and humble woman, confirming what I have been learning in the last years... especially the last 14 months.


The Holy and the Horrible...what an interesting topic. The Holy God of the Universe...the Maker of Heaven and Earth, The One who sent His only begotten Son to this earth to endure the ultimate suffering and to give His life so that we could be reconciled to Our Father in Heaven, He, the Father is orchestrating the conflicts and tragedies in our life to make us into His likeness, restoring us  back to what He had made us to be in the first place.


...Jesus, knowing what was going to happen pleaded with His Father and asked that the cup would be removed if at all possible... He was in agony and pain, felt left alone by His disciples that could not even stay awake and pray as He had asked them...He surrendered His will and embraced the Father's will, fixing His eyes on what the sacrifice of His life would bring to us, the healing we in our fallen state would need.

As the Father uses the hurt and pain that the brokenness of this world inflicts on us, He walks with us through it, staying with us in the turmoil, empathizing with the numbness, the grief and the anger and helping us to let go and find the healing He has for us...


As our wounds are being healed, we are becoming closer to our Saviour than we have ever been.. we are learning how much we are needing Him and nothing is more precious to us than knowing Him more, in His sufferings and in His victory..

Our core longings are being met, walking so closely we can see the way He looks into our eyes...we know He loves us, because he faithfully has been staying with us... could it be that He considers us worthy of His love and even His own life? 


How wonderful that this truth might penetrate our hearts and maybe one day we will believe it fully...


Wondering what you have for me Lord... driving home, still soaring on Eagle's Wings I received some texts and had 2 phone calls....more pain and conflict...I guess I was asking for it when I stated that one thing I learned is to face my life with open arms inviting the pain, because it makes me draw even closer to the Lover of my Soul, my Redeemer and best friend... He will never let me down..


Thank you, Lord...

...why divorce hurts so much....

 I am learning so much, kind of cool, but then again, I could have lived without some of that knowledge.

It happens all the time,  in 2009  38 % of marriages in Canada  were divorced before their 30th Wedding anniversary...so it shouldn't be such a big deal, right? But it is... it is because it is just not what God had in mind when He created marriage...

The man said,
       "This is now bone of my bones
       and flesh of my flesh;
       she shall be called 'woman,
       for she was taken out of man."

 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ( Genesis 2: 23+24)

Another scripture:

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.  So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

  "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself  with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.
      So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. ( Malachi 2: 13+16)

God hates divorce, His heart breaks when we separate something the He has joined together...
it breaks mine as well, after all , this is one of my favorite songs:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity  ( Hosanna, by Hillsong)

It breaks our hearts for what it does to families, the ripple effect it has...
The pain is so excruciating because what became one is ripped into two halves rather than neatly taken apart to its original two people... the wounds are gaping and deep... the grief that follows is substantial and only Jesus can heal it... like someone at my DivorceCare support group said: The damage is so bad, it takes the manufacturer to fix it... I liked that a lot :)

Another reason the pain is so deep is that there are so many losses... for me some of them are:
loss of my husband, loss of  my dreams, loss of our future, loss of our regular time together.... vacations, holidays,  routines... loss of security, loss of someone who cared, who would hug when things got bad...
 ... my daughter mentioned "loss of a tree house" as one of the things she lost...

All those losses need to be grieved.. and grieving needs to be done or we are not healthy enough to live life well.... So, as much as I would like to be fully healed, and I feel like I am a lot of the time now, I am far from being done grieving these losses..... I have no problem with crying... so I did some today... and I know it will not be the last time......

... A heart hidden in Christ..

...God is good... All the time.... All the time... God is good... I love this, because it is true, and I am learning to trust Him for this more and more....
I really and actually bought my first house last night... haven't paid for it yet, but it is going to be mine... kind of cool....
At the Divorce Care meeting last night I realized again, that in this all, I am having a really "good divorce".... crazy, but true..
I have the relationship with my, still not but very soon to be, Ex-husband that I always would have liked to have, a relationship of mutual respect and appreciation.. weird , that we can do this now, and just never got it together before.
We have worked everything out without lawyers and we are getting along and... yes, hard to believe but we trust each other...
Over the last few days God has brought me to a place were today through the guidance of my beloved Counselor and friend I was able to get a grip on something that has been eluding me for all of my life...
As God has allowed me to find myself "single" for a longer period of time for the first time in my adult life, He is rewriting my view of myself... 
For a little over 16 years I have known in my mind and more and more in my heart that I am a beloved and chosen child of God, that the Creator of the Universe actually sent His only Son into this world to die for me , so that I could be reconciled with Him, that I am the daughter of the King, a co-heir with Christ, free from condemnation, a delight to my father in Heaven, loved with an everlasting love.... and yet, until my husband walked out of my life, I was not aware that I was still believing a HUGE LIE, the lie that only when loved by a man I was whole and valuable...
Having been rejected and tossed in the garbage by the one who supposedly was giving me this value, I had been diminished to nothingness.. worthless, alone and only to be redeemed by the love of another man...
Today I am realizing that this is not the truth, that I am whole because that's how God made me and I am not defined by my relationship with a man. I am perfectly and wonderfully made by a all knowing, all powerful, amazing God... who loves me with an everlasting love.
Lack of the love of a father and many other hurtful circumstances had me in this place of feeling unworthy and in need of someone to give me value..


Thankfully God has been gently showing me more and more that He is the One that loves me and that I do not really need a relationship to define me, what defines me is Who I am in Christ I understand that I am a precious Jewel, made by the King, who deserves a man that cherishes and loves her like Christ loves the church...


I knew that, I believed that, but I was not aware that deep down inside I still doubted this
So today I am embracing singleness, I am surrendering my hopes and dreams, and I am going to try very hard to not take them back again...I am saying to my Father in Heaven that indeed He is enough for me and that I am going to trust Him. I am dedicating my life to Him and only if He calls me to a marriage will I enter into a relationship again...


.. because: 


An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. (1 Cor 7:34)


And I am going to devote my life to Him first , my kids second and third to the people He by His grace will bring into my life to extend His love and healing to.


I am going to counter the lies when they come to my mind with the truth that I have been shown, I am going to choose to walk in obedience every step of my journey. I am going to live with the joy and the hope that only He can bring as I am staying closely in step with what He has for me... however this will look like.

....time to move on???

... okay, so it is 11:24 pm and I have just bought a house... how crazy is that? Also wrote a cheque in an amount I never have written before... Am I crazy or what?
Prayed about it... found out the single mother who has sold her house to me made the decision about if she should go for it through "asking" the Magic 8 Ball.... who is more crazy...
What a world...
At work this morning.. this is one of the things that God has brought out of this break-up, that gives me such tremendous joy and purpose.. love all the people there... love being at work for  God, extending His love... Wonderful....
My little daughter has been very cuddly... can't remember when she has been like this.... I am enjoying it.. the other two are a delight and last night someone spoke some amazing truths into my life.
Divorce Care meeting tonight again and this is a good place for me to be as well...I am busy, in a good way....loving it...
Feeling it is time to attempt reconciliation with someone.. praying that this will be good.
Amazing how He moves me on, works in me at all times..He does not waste any hurt... uses it to refine me and I am so thankful for that....I would never have thought that I would find myself where I am today a little over 9 months into being separated.. God is good all the time, all the time God is good!!!!!
I will praise Him and worship Him in all that I do... I just love Him sooooooooooo much!!!!!

.. my prayer this morning...

Lord you said...

.....be Holy... as I am Holy...

Be self controlled, don't let distraction lead you astray...

I am not of this world, I am a stranger and I was redeemed by the life blood of Jesus,

 who willingly gave His life for me.. to be redeemed from the emptiness of this world..

My prayer today is as I am walking through this day,

that the truth of who I am in Christ will lead me and guide me..

that my eyes will be fixed on You 

and that no distraction will be able to make me take my eyes off You,

the One that came to transform my life and give me hope,

 a hope that never perishes or fades away..

My only Hope... Christ in me...

Oh how I love You....

You are my One and Only... I am surrendering my hope,

 my future, my dreams, my desires... 

to serve You wholeheartedly wherever You will have me today..

In Your precious and Holy name,

Amen

....Good Morning Holy Spirit.....

...Good morning Holy Spirit.. fill me, empower me and take over my heart, my soul and my mind. I am surrendering the last little corner that I might have kept from you and ask you to fill it up..


Love the passages when Jesus promised us the Counselor..


If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. ( John 14: 15-17)


But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.(John 14:26-27)


When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning. (John 15:26-27)


The Counselor, the Holy Spirit is in us, He is there to remind us, He testifies to us about Jesus, He will be with us forever..we must obey Jesus if we love Him, He has given us peace and we need to testify about Him because even if we forget, we have the Spirit of truth in us.......it's all right there... the Christian life...


Abiding in Him, Peace, Sharing the Good News... the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, the One that Jesus sent when He ascended into Heaven where He sits at the right hand of the Father... interceding for us and preparing for us a room in the mansion... eternal communion....


Hallelujah..Praise Him today!!!!

...... submission :o ........

As I was driving home from a lovely lunch with my beautiful daughter I was thinking about a conversation I had after a meeting at the church this morning.

You see, I want to make sure that I get the message right that God has for me... so I am going to present to the Elders of our church what I think God is calling me to do, they then will pray about it and whatever they are going to come back with I will accept.

I am going to do this because the bible tells me that the Elders have been appointed by God to be in authority over the community of believers... since I do not have a husband anymore, another one that would be in authority over me 

(and yes, I have NO trouble with that at all...you will see why later) I feel so much more that I need to have the Elders pray and have the final say about what God really is planning for me in this regard.

In today's world the words "authority" and "submit" have such a negative feeling attached to it, but really, like any other "rule" in the bible, God put it in place to protect us.

The Dictionary :

to submit: to yield oneself to the will or authority of another...to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.....

authority: power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behavior

So let's look at this... as Christians we believe that God is in authority over us, that we need to obey Him and that we will be blessed by Him for doing that. The bible is full of scriptures that tell us to do just that and, the bible is full of verses that tell us what will happen if we don't...

There are verses about children obeying their parents, servant's their masters...and then there are those that most of us don't really like to look at anymore... us women, we do not like the one about wives called to submit, yield to, the authority of their husbands..( Ephesians 5:22-33)

For me, even with a husband that did not really follow the Lord, eventually this became more easy and I even considered it a blessing... I think, no matter if our marriage is exactly what God intended it to be, a union of man and woman, equally valued by God, made for different roles but  the authority and with this the responsibility and accountability to God ultimately lies with the husband... Hallelujah.... and I mean it.. This is not meant to be a card blanche for the husband to dictate and boss around his wife, not at all, it also does not diminish the value of the opinions and convictions of the wives, as helpmates we are called to speak into the lives of our husbands, lovingly giving our input... after all, we are TOGETHER portraying the image of God, we both lack certain characteristics of God that the other has, but like I said, ULTIMATELY we are to submit to a husband, who together with us will have sought the Lord and His direction. I cannot imagine a place I would rather be than under the umbrella of protection of a godly husband, the one who would lay his life down for me willingly, like Christ did for the church.

As for me, I trusted God for that protection and still submitted to my husband when push came to shove and God gave me tremendous peace when I did.

As a single woman who wants to live to please and honor God and wants to be obedient to Him I am now looking to the Elders for guidance and ultimately a "Yes" or a "No" for my ministry to go ahead or not. 

In Acts we find many verses that tell us about the role of Elders,  the appointment of Paul and Barnabas as missionaries through the spiritual leaders who had prayed, fasted and worshipped God and then heard from Him, ( Acts 13:1,3-4) and the appointment of Elders by Paul and Barnabas ( Acts 14:23), of Paul and Barnabas returning to the Elders that appointed them and laid hands on them to send them off when a dispute arose, for guidance and wisdom. (Acts 15:1-4) 

Many more, for example in Acts 16:4 decisions reached by the Elders and Apostles in Jerusalem were delivered to the people of Jerusalem to obey....

and on and on it goes...

I NEED to hear from God because I do not want to lean on my own understanding but rather be obedient to God and follow His leading. In most cases the bible is quite clear on what we need to do, but when there is a calling, I firmly believe that God will be faithful and speak through the men that He has called to be the overseers of the church that I belong to.

I am thankful that He has given us all that we need for godliness.... He better, because we know where it leads when I run off on my own... ;)

..walking with Him...

...puppy threw up, always a nice interruption of my sleep.... just great...
..everyone off to where they have to be, time for me to go to my secret place...
...my chair... both puppies sleeping on it... my bible and I... I am not a coffee drinker or even a real tea drinker... so that's all there is...
...Reading and memorizing 1. Peter chapter 1....too marvelous for words....

I am one of God's elect, chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the father, through the sanctifying work of the spirit for OBEDIENCE to Christ and the sprinkling of His blood...
Grace and Peace is mine in ABUNDANCE....

Taking that in... there is so much, I have been chosen.... God the Father who foreknows everything... He chose me....I am here to by faith through the Spirit working in me OBEY my Jesus. And all I need is mine, actually, more than I will ever need..

In His great mercy, Praise be to God, He has given me a new birth...into a living hope because of my Jesus having been resurrected from death...  what a gift... letting this sink in.... it is touching my heart and my heart wells over with tears of thankfulness... no people, possession or position could ever fill the place in my heart that loves Him with a passion that is all consuming.

I love Him, and I love His people..."It is right for me to feel this way about all of you since I have you in my heart."  (Philippians 1:7) There are people that God has brought into my life that are in my heart... sometimes I do not even know what to do with this love...it is so overwhelming...

So, off I go now too, a new day, another meeting... than go see my daughter for lunch... what a lovely treat... God is good... He cares enough to walk with me again today..... leading and guiding me, celebrating and crying with me... so no matter what this day will bring, Grace and Peace will be with me and you.... AMEN

...a choice......

..early this morning I had a horrible dream... I tend to dream about the the real stuff usually, about what is going on in my life, the same people etc. 
In this dream my mother and my sister were making it very clear to me that they were choosing my cousin over me... my mother had the Christening gown with her in which all our children had been christened  and it turned out she had it with her because my husband and my cousin had had a baby..... a nightmare for sure........


I have been thinking about the relationship with my family and I am saddened by it....it doesn't feel right but I also do not know what else to do. I just don't trust them anymore.


the morning at church was great, good bible study, love all these women and especially all the little kids.. I am so blessed to have so many friends with babies and little munchkins...I love them all dearly...


great meeting afterwards with an incredible woman that the Lord has brought into my life a week ago..He is at work in wonderful ways..


and then, later today I had two great conversations with my teenage girl.. that is an even greater answer to prayer... a teachable moment, an opportunity to relate and communicate deep convictions.. wow... so thankful for that.
I am thanking God for the way He has allowed me to teach my children by walking the talk... and they get it... it is amazing. I am far from being a perfect mother and because of that it blesses me even more to see that even my little rebellious one can't help but absorb what is being lived out before her.. loving people rather than judging them....being Jesus rather than a stiff -necked, self -righteous Pharisee..amazing...Thank you Lord...


after that, she went to dance and I was home alone for a few hours...felt lonely and sorry for myself...didn't give in to any desire to take matters into my own hands ( like I have done before, remember the Christian Dating Site)... and just went before my Lord and prayed..


living our life victoriously goes hand in hand with obedience. On this journey we need to make choices along the way, again and again.... the circumstances do not necessarily change at all, and there is no miraculous formula that all of a sudden removes the issues and temptations.. each time when finding ourselves in a place where our circumstances make us look for a quick fix rather than trusting and accepting where God has us, we need to choose obedience...  coming before Him and pouring out my sad and lonely heart to Him is what I know I need to do....


now the day is over and I get to go to bed... I thank my Lord for providing all that I needed to stay in His presence... Good night

...broken but not useless..

....  after the meeting I had yesterday morning, as I was driving back, I was thinking about what the lady had said to me, how God had prepared me for what He has for me now my whole entire life.
That made me think about all that has happened and how I got to where I am today....


I have mentioned before that I have been on a Christian Dating Website or two  a few months ago, ( not in a while.... ;) I know, wrong, but at the time it was a very great need to know that someone would be interested in me...pathetic but like they all say, a normal response to the rejection and loss I experienced) anyways, what I wanted to say was on there, everyone makes it very clear that they are only interested in a partner that is "emotionally healthy"...hah...


So, as I am thinking about how God has prepared me for the purpose He has for the next phase in my life, I am wondering if that means I will really never be able to be in a relationship again... because, let me say this, what these men are looking for, I am for sure not...


I have had my fair share of bad stuff in my life, some self inflicted, some not.
 Fearful of an absent and volatile father and his outbursts, a sense of worthlessness because of his indifference, criticism and favoritism, someone ( a family friend) abusing his position of respect and authority in my life to sexually molest me, a first boyfriend and an unwanted pregnancy ending in an abortion, which catapulted me into a depression, that ( the need to find out if I could have a baby at all) and some occurrences in my family drove me to find security in a marriage far to early which had no chance because of my immaturity and lack of commitment. Jumping into the next relationship, now with two little children, on the rebound led to the 17 1/2 years of despair and difficulty that finally ended in December of last year with my husband walking out on us after cheating on me.... 


Emotionally healthy....hmmm, healed, by God's grace and healing power, letting me deal with one issue after the other, yes, restored and refined, yes...all healed though? I am not sure...so, no luck for me.....


The good part is that in the last 16 years I have not only been healed and restored, but I have also come to know my Maker and my Saviour, amazingly He is in the process of transforming me into His likeness  and  truly has prepared me to be a compassionate woman with a heart full of love and understanding to extend to women that are going or have gone through similar circumstances and also someone who has learned to be a godly wife and how to respect and love her husband. I have learned to forgive and it is easy for me, because after all, she who has been forgiven much is so much more willing and able to forgive...


I know that I am a sinner, lost without the saving grace of my Jesus dying on the cross for me, my heart is filled with gratitude and love for Him and for all His children. I have nothing to offer but my life and I am laying it down at the cross, He has redeemed me, I am His. 


So what am I? I am a broken vessel willing to let God use me...for His glory ..... I am rejoicing in the fact that He does .... what a blessing....so, really, I need no "luck" with guys on some websites, I am the daughter of the King, and, you know what? He loves me!

..... Him alone...

God is GREAT... it is Tuesday night and these last 2 days have just been amazing...He doesn't need to prove anything to me, but He cares enough to show me that no matter what the people around me are doing, no matter how much they are inflicting pain, "He is able, more than able to handle everything that comes my way" and not only this, He blesses beyond anything I could ever imagine.
He does not waste a minute of my day, around every corner is another amazing detail that He so obviously is working out.
We all know that He has a plan, I believed it in my head, I knew it, I even knew it in my heart, but I still was scared. Didn't quite trust Him...but 9 months after the final separation and a year after finding out about the affair I am now convinced without a doubt, that indeed, the plans He has are marvelous...
I am at a place where I accept pain as something that is just there, something that makes me focus on how wonderful it is that He is there, walking through it with me.
What a blessing that is. And in the meantime, while accepting this as a fact, He is leading me from one amazing detail to the next, opening my eyes every moment to just how beyond anything imaginable His plan really is, how big, how many people will be involved, how many will be blessed. I am humbled that He has groomed me all my life for such a time as this...when relying on Him like never before I am freed from anything that has had me bound and kept me from serving Him wholeheartedly.
Feelings of unworthiness, insecurities, fear of loneliness... He has been dealing with all of these. And I am more aware than ever that I am His child, chosen to follow and love Him for eternity.
I do not need anyone else to give me significance, he takes care of all of this.
I never thought I could come to a place where I could say that if this is all ( and I even feel bad saying this because it is so amazing) my life will be, serving Him in whatever way He has for me, that is MORE than enough for me... so I am putting it out there.... as much as I do have dreams, dreams to  for once being able to portray the amazing relationship between Jesus and His bride, the church, through a godly marriage, complementing one another and serving together, reflecting God's image to the world, I am no longer hung up on this..... He has been working in my heart and for the first time in my life I am feeling whole.... it blows me away.
This is something I thought I would never know.... so I thank you my wonderful Saviour and friend, you are the Lover of my Soul and you have restored me.
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... direction....

... my tiny puppy just tumbled down the stairs...again...is that a sign we should move... really, those steps are far too narrow, I am scared myself when going down...
... lately I have felt drawn to a new work, new place, new people... someone said something encouraging in this re to me today, an "insider"... now, is this a sign???
I have been praying for direction ever since my cute little, content train had been thrown up in the air, violently, without any regard to me liking the safety of my normal, the little train tracks leading me along a well known path.... it was scary at first, very scary, what was this "New Normal" going to look like? All of a sudden everything was possible,  everything could be changed...needed to be changed....  relationship status from married to single, lifestyle taken down a few notches.. friends, all of them married... social activities as couples not happening anymore, okay.. lonely in and now lonely without a relationship, children secure in a family, even though not all was so nice... but at least it was a stable environment... now.... a mother "thrown" by the hurt and abandonment experienced.... you get the picture...
God has opened many doors, new opportunities, exciting stuff... more exciting as the "scared factor" became smaller and smaller..
One thing I learned is that I NEVER want to do anything anymore that I am not sure God has for me... so, the way things are progressing... an answer to prayer? Do I pursue it or wait for it to land in my lap?
I am not sure... I will have to pray about that one.... I know that God has plans for me and my girls to prosper us and not to harm us...I am serving while I am waiting, I am drawing closer and closer... and still... not sure what I should do..so Lord, please, something obvious... like my puppy tumbling down the stairs AGAIN...