... 4 x 4's and "incomprehensible" GRACE and LOVE

the 4 x 4 with the pillow around it...  God's justice... His righteous anger..  God's mercy... His grace.. His love... all of this going on at the same time... He loves unconditionally, because of His mercy, understanding... when we didn't deserve it or even wanted it , He sent His Son to pay for our sins... this was necessary because He is Holy... He cannot tolerate sin... He is just, all about justice, so His Son had to pay the price... in His love for us He chose to sacrifice Him... the lamb without blemish... without sin...
He gave His only Son, will He not give us all we ever need.... for love and godliness that is....
He chose us, for our own benefit.. but not only for that... He chose us, so that we through our lives would represent Him well... that's the reason there are 4 x 4's......
outspoken about my faith as I am, and I believe I need to be, I have to be hit over the head sometimes... need to be convicted in order not to compromise Him... who He is... I, like everyone else can go astray very easily... without noticing it sometimes I could be sinning... and, my Father in Heaven in His unfailing love for me needs to show it to me then...
so that's what He did on Sunday... I was kind of turning into a direction that potentially could have harmed my testimony... that first little step into an area of temptation that could in time become too much to resist... I am thanking Him for making this so clear for me on Sunday...
but... and that's what blows me away... He doesn't stop there... so I had to walk away from something I thought I was wanting... and I prayed... I pleaded... in church and again at home at night...
telling Him what was going on in my heart, reminding Him of His scriptures.. His promises, asking for His help .... and this is what I meant earlier... He blows me away... there is no need for Him to prove His love to me, He already did when Jesus thought of me when dying on the cross... and yet... and not for the first time either, in a VERY tangible way did He reach into my heart and give me some answer to the longing of my heart... this is the omnipotent God of the Universe we are talking about... the One that holds the whole world in His hands...you would think He would be too busy to cater to my needs in such a way.... the attention to detail is  "unreal" ... but so REAL...He is REAL , deeply invested in my life.. I will never fully comprehend it.. not while I am here anyways....
in the meantime... still no news... called the  Dr's office and they have not heard... good news???
a meeting with my friend, inspecting the office for Hope for Life, arranging for the phone line, keys, making plans to paint and make this place the haven it will be for those in despair... God is so good, so big and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do!!!!     #SoliDeoGloria

.. loving Sundays... and NO NEWS YET...

I love Sundays... love going to church... talking to a friend about yesterday's sermon, how great it was, I stated that in the 13 years and 4 months I have been going to my church I have yet to hear a sermon by my fav pastor that I didn't think was great... great in terms of life changing and challenging... "Holy Spirit nudging" , sometimes even more than that... like yesterday... that was more like a 4x4 hitting me over my head... with a pillow around it because of God's mercy.... He just blesses my heart..
then, Beyond the Stage Gala Show, the Competitive Dance recital turned Charity Event...once again, such a privilege to be part of a Dance Studio that is owned by 2 wonderful Christian women, who do not only teach our children how to dance really well but also try to shape their character and help them take their eyes off themselves...  they are encouraged to give of themselves to the children of the "start2finish" program in Guelph... a Canada wide charity helping underprivileged kids by offering them an after school program to show them they matter...  a reading and running program... providing hope and focus and helping in real practical ways by providing backpacks, school supplies and running shoes as well..
this is the 2nd year our kids have been able to be a part of teaching these kids a dance... last night at the end of the show, the start2finish kids came on stage for the final number and danced together with the whole competitive team ... brought to the theatre in a stylish Limo bus, I am sure they had a great time.. at the end of the show Center Stage was able to present a cheque of 12,500 Dollars to start2finish...  what a wonderful blessing...
church in the morning and the love of Christ lived out in the evening... it doesn't get any better than this..
 still no news from the Doctor's office... still not panicking... still trusting.. someone said if there was something bad I would have heard by now... well, God knows and He loves her more than I...  that's my update.. it was a great day yesterday,... it was indeed... #SoliDeoGloria

... waiting for news...

.. Friday afternoon, the work week at my hometown medical clinic has come to an end... and we have not received word yet ... no results from the CT scan... so more waiting... I am getting it... patience is learned through waiting...
this has been a whirlwind of a week and it keeps on going...
last night we celebrated my eldest daughter's University Graduation... a nice dinner at a cozy authentic french restaurant... all around a pleasant evening.. so proud of my accomplished daughter...
not only has she now a degree from the University of Toronto, she has been working as the Marketing manager at her Dad's company for the last year and just recently started working as the Event manager for her uncle.. for us she is the one that bakes, and makes everything nice and smiley and sunny....
looking after her little sister when I was away for so long and taking care of the little puppies... she truly has grown up... amazing...
tonite... I am going to go to a Natalie Grant concert... she finally came up to Canada... love her and her music, she was one of the artists on the Michael W. Smith and friends Cruise last year... some of her songs have been a great source of comfort during difficult times...
tomorrow there is another Tech Run at the theatre in Guelph and on Sunday the last recital of the year... lot's going on and like I said, that's good...
takes our mind of things... no news are good news... for now anyways... since I, by God's grace am not borrowing tomorrow's trouble and worry since today has enough of it's own... true too...
troubled about what's happening in my parent's life... not happy about the insensitivity of this father of mine... my poor Mama so sad on the phone... wanna quickly go get her out of that situation... and keep her safe... and pamper her and take care of all her needs, lovingly... praying all I can do for her right now..
did 2 chapters of a study this morning... had me digging deep into the Word and meet my Father in Heaven once again.. all these wonderful attributes of His... qualities we all lack... in need of being changed so desperately... so great that He will never give up on us... He is always here, He hears, He sees, He loves unconditionally, He provides, He is able...more than able to accomplish all that concerns me today... Praise be to Him!

... CT scan and hives...

today, when my daughter went into the room to get her CT scan done, after she got her IV and needed me to hold her hand, being all scared of it... after we had been sitting waiting for a long time and we talked all about what this could mean... best case scenario... worst case scenario... she was very good about accepting me saying that we wouldn't worry until we knew for sure...
once  she had left  it was I who was worried about what this all could mean... I found myself getting really scared and sad... something had me worried.... the nurse when getting her to get the IV was a bit confused because our family doctor had only stated to look for kidney stones, which would not have required the dye, so no IV, the radiologist at the hospital then ordered the dye anyways according to the report from the Ultrasound... that scared me....
she came back not even ten minutes later and was not feeling well, hot, nauseous and itchy... hives showed up instantly ... her stomach hurt, helping her relax, the pain in her tummy did go away again, but the hives kept itching... the technician took us to the Emergency Department, to wait and see what was going to happen with the allergic reaction... IV needle still there in case medication would have to be administered...
an hour later I signed the paperwork stating that I was fully responsible if anything bad was going to happen to my daughter.. she was hungry, her hives were not as red or itchy anymore... so I decided it was time to leave the hospital... the 1 1/2 hours had become 3 1/2 hours... time to go...
when we got home and she was settled on the couch I went online and researched again all aspects of what this could mean...
since we heard about the mass God has been great ... I have had real peace, I still do, somewhat.
it will be good to get the results, one way or another, at least we will know what we are dealing with...
I know that the Lord is holding my little daughter in the palm of His hands... He will be with her, whatever the news we will get in two to three days will be....
I am not panicking, I am trying to rest in the Lord and trust Him....  He will never leave us or forsake us...

..... daughter of the King....

seeing more pictures from Franklin, the church service such a personal affair, Whitney was there it looks like, on Worship team with her husband... so nice, Debbie reading scripture and Michael preaching... I knew this was going to be so extremely special..
I found myself sitting in the audience last night,  watching the "Night of the Stars" the Solo Duet and Trio show... and once more I was thankful that I was there and not still in Franklin, as it was planned...
my daughter had generously "allowed" me to miss this, and the truth is, I had seen her Solo and all the others as well.... but being there last night was important... it was moving, it showed me something I knew already, but needed to be reminded of..
the Father has blessed us so much by allowing us to be part of another family, and I am not exaggerating because that's what I realized again: I love all these kids, I am so proud of them as if they were my own, I love their parents and it is such a privilege to be part of something so amazing.... to see them all down there dancing their little hearts out.... such talent and spunk, so precious...
 there were a few moments were tears came to my eyes..... all of a sudden I was assaulted by the thought that if the CT scan would show some real problem, next year we might not be here....
thankfully I have learned this:
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ( 2 Cor 10: 4+5 )
thoughts like this one that just don't fit under any of these categories: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ( Phil 4:8 )
I know that because the Bible also tells me  not to worry about tomorrow.... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own
( Matthew 4:34 ) that in itself might sound like something that is impossible to do... with Christ though, all things are possible.... it is possible because I know in whom my trust lies.... in the Creator of the Universe, the Maker of Heaven and Earth....
Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—  who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,  who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. ( Psalm 103 )
so, coming back to last night.... oh how blessed we are... how good God is... all the time... she did so tremendously well... I was so proud.... "Night of the Stars" for sure... precious daughter of the King... He will take care of her.... that's a no brainer....

... yielding to the Potter's Hands....

..so, I was not in Franklin, TN this morning, I didn't attend the Worship service Michael W Smith was leading... and, my friend posted a picture of him holding his grandson Smith... such a cute little boy...
instead, I was at my church, worshipping with my people... and He was there, and He communicated some wonderful and difficult stuff to me... I know I was meant to be there... nowhere else...
we sang a song... a song I love, we haven't sung this one in a while... that's how it goes:

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour

I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands, crafted 

into your perfect plan

You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit

Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by Your holy calling

Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself

Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mold me, use me, fill me

I give my life to the Potter's hand

Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me

I give my life to the Potter's hand

( by Darlene Zschech )

I know for sure, all of my days are held in His hands.. crafted into His perfect plan.....

I know this, I believe this, and yet just lately with the wedding approaching I really have struggled, I guess what happened to my friend has also just brought some part of the anger back...

today I am challenged to let go of my anger and self pity, I have forgiven and I cannot take it back... I don't really want to take it back either....

I know for sure, all of my days are held in His hands.. crafted into His perfect plan.....

that is the truth... now , if I have a problem with that I have to figure that out with Him...  but who am I to question the Potter, I am just the clay, sinful and broken, He chose me to give me His spirit and the assurance of eternal life with Him... I am to serve Him with what He has given me, and share the Good News with others... that's what I am doing... I am blessed... 

His plan for my life is PERFECT...   He leads me gently... is setting me apart, walks with me and will never stop molding me and changing me....

I need to stop resisting Him.... and what He is doing... so I am here and now choosing to forgive again and let go...  nothing is more satisfying than obedience..

it was a GREAT morning at Georgetown Alliance Church... the Lord was there... I think He was pleased with our worship.....

...sorry Lord for the thing I've made it....

... so staying home was the best thing to do... with my daughter all day yesterday, having the painkillers ready for her... getting her out the door for the two little kids recitals she is in today.. not sure how they / she would have made that work...
had some special times together babysitting two very precious little boys last night.. like old times when I was taking care of the older one a few days a months...so much fun!!!
the sun is shining this morning, my flowers loved the rain yesterday, all is good..
getting myself ready to go to church.. to ascribe worth to my Lord and Saviour, to show Him and everyone around that He is my All in All....

When the music fades 

And all is stripped away 

And I simply come 

Longing just to bring 

Something that's of worth 

That will bless your heart 

I'll bring You more than a song 

For a song in itself 

Is not what You have required 

You search much deeper within 

Through the ways things appear 

You're looking into my heart 

I'm coming back to the heart of worship 

And it's all about You 

All about You, Jesus 

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it 

When it's all about You 

It's all about You Jesus 

King of endless worth 

No one could express 

How much You deserve 

Though I'm weak and poor 

All I have is Yours 

Every single breath 

I'll bring You more than just a song 

For a song in itself 

Is not what You have required 

You search much deeper within 

Through the way things appear 

You're looking into my heart 

I'm coming back to the heart of worship 

And it's all about You 

All about You, Jesus 

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it 

When it's all about You 

It's all about You Jesus 

Its all about you 

Jesus 

 (  by Matt Redman )

thankful I can go to church this morning... thankful I get to show Him how much He means to me. show Him how thankful I am for who He is, how He blesses me and that without Him I would not be able to keep on going..... because it is all about Jesus... Praise be to His name forever!

.... from losses to thankfulness..

I have always been a thinker, trying to figure things out, I have always had a vivid imagination, and I was born with A LOT of fear...
so I thought a lot about death, and dying, and of what life was all about... my parents not coming home when they should have, I saw the accident, like I said, vivid imagination, blood everywhere, my mother and father dead....
I remember thinking a lot about my death as well... believing I was a Christian and going to heaven was a comfort, my Grandma was there, so I would see her again, that made me happy...  but the trouble I had most about dying was that life would go on without me...
... when thinking about it even as a child I realized that this was a good thing, it needed to be like that... and still, it was the one thing that bothered me...
spending time with a beloved sister in Christ, who can relate to me now, and I would so much rather not have anyone being able to relate to the troubles of having been cheated on and abandoned.... but she can now... we ended up talking one time about the fact that life keeps going on... again, that is necessary and good.... but it still hurts, because, for us it seems, it has come to a screeching halt.... the perpetrators move on, they are the ones making the choices, and in my case are building this seemingly perfect life for themselves... friends, as caring as they are, their lives go on as well..... almost a year and half later, pretty much everyone ( but a few really close ones) must be more than TIRED of hearing about my issues, I hate being the complainer, I do not want to grab the attention all the time....... come on, I SHOULD be over this by now.......
but what was intended to make "life less complicated" for the one making the choices, led to making life a whole lot more complicated for us...  left on the outside counting my losses, trying to live up to all the responsibilities now on my plate, occupying all my time and using up all my energy... working on a new life??? yup, nothing left to do that.....
some pathetic little attempts of having a few happy moments, planned a long time ago, days counted down for quite some time... and circumstances happen, and with me being the "sole soul care giver "
I happily gave that up, I knew it was the right thing.... looking at some pictures of last night in Nashville a new found wonderful Christian sister posted late at night for me....I feel once again, that life goes on without me..... as it should.... but it hurts...
this new friend who promised to document the weekend for me, said something really meaningful and nice to me: " Know that the opportunities are a lot greater for you this weekend.. take a lot of pictures :) "
that's wisdom... that is one sister in Christ speaking truth to another.... so I shall, I need to... I love to....
we are having a CT scan sometime next week for my daughter, the school has been more than understanding... so that takes a lot of stress off her... I am thankful for that... this weekend will be very busy with rehearsals and recitals for the little kids she assists... I shall try and find some photo opportunities, a passion I used to have, that somehow got lost in the rubble of the train wreck... oh well...
enough of all this..
I am thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross, that He walks with me every step of the way,that He keeps His promises and that He promised to turn into something good what other's have meant for evil, I am thankful for my daughters, my mother, and that she is still with us, my siblings, my friends, my pastor, my church, my ministry, my doggies, my car, my house, my new BBQ ( thanks to the Ex-husband), my flowers in my pots on my patio, sunshine this last week.......  and that it is only 400 days... really a piece of cake... until the next High light in my life, the Michael W Smith and Friends Cruise 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... an unsuspecting little train ....

..changes, most of us don't like them.. it is nice when things keep on going the way we know it, especially when we like the way they are going...
reminiscing with a great friend today about a time when both our lives where on one of those nice tracks... kids not too young anymore, busy with all kinds of fun activities, good friends, involved in the church, in small groups, exciting ministry life, vacations, year after year, no big changes, kids moving through school.. nice routines , high lights... just nice...
funny how we never even imagine that things could change... but the kids grow up,  find boyfriends, move out, get married... job situations change, financial circumstances change... relationships change... not always for the better... and we do not like it...
my friend said it feels like you have been thrown in the air... funny, this is the way I used to explain how I felt... like this little train that was nicely going along in his tracks.. just to be jolted and catapulted into the air... by unforeseen circumstances.... eventually falling back down, bruised and bent out of shape... trying to find it's bearings... looking for the carts... the little ones that were attached to it... the ones it had been pulling so faithfully.... they too were damaged and hurt.... all confused...
the last 18 months we have been trying to restore some of the little train to it's old shape... sometimes with more success than other times....
some dents are only showing up now... some complications only now visible...
this train accident... not a very nice thing...
but then, there has been a brand new track... following THE track more closely.... new direction... an awareness that the One in charge of all the tracks and the trains is never more than a breath away... pushing us when we feel we can't make it up the hill, pointing us in the right direction when we come to a switch and don't know what way to go...nice...
more changes... little jolts here and there, none as devastating as that one big one was... still difficult, because, we just don't like the changes... the One, He never changes, He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.... He is always in control, even in the jolts, the changes, the unforeseen circumstances... He is always at work in us... and as much as sometimes we just want things to stay the way they are...He does know best....

... running ahead (away from?) my best friend...

you know my "obsession" with Nashville and all the wonderful Christian people that are living there... following these two pastors of this cool church, and one of them posted today that his book was available for 2.99 for the kindle...... I had heard about it before and thought that for that kind of money it was definitely worth getting it... " Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would?" by Pete Wilson.....

now me, the orthodox conservative Christian that I am, I did have a bit of a problem with "Plan B" when I first read the title...  I do believe that God does not have a Plan B for our lives, that He is never surprised, but that somehow He knows even the wrong choices we will make and work all the bad stuff out for our good... that He is totally sovereign and also allows the bad stuff in our lives to refine us...
anyways, it turns out Pete really is talking about what we would look at as Plan B, the place we are finding ourselves in when our Plan A is not working out the way we thought it would...

read the first 3 chapters and I am captivated....

dreams, plans, hopes, ideas.... how wonderful that God made us that way... he made us in His image and no one can deny how creative He is...you only have to look at nature and you can see how much He enjoys beauty, how much He loves detail, how romantic and full of love He is....
so no wonder we have plans and dreams....
living in this fallen world, often times those dreams do not come true... things do not turn out the way we would like for them to work out...
as we get older and are faced with unexpected "turns of events" again and again, we can't help to realize something: we are not in control of our lives, we cannot make the dreams happen and come true, we cannot always prevent the plans from not working out the way we would like them to work out, our ideas might be wrong, the choices we have made might not always have been the wisest...
using the life of David as an example of how we react when life doesn't work out like planned and we feel that God could have, should have fixed it for us.... Pete says we often times turn our back on God and run... trying to control things and fix them ourselves...doubting that God is still there and wondering if He really is on our side... figuring we know what God's plan is we are running ahead fixing it for Him..
now, how foolish is that? I know that I have done this before.... actually just a few weeks ago I thought I needed to help Him along a bit... He couldn't really mean He wanted me to still be alone... alone, when my Ex husband and his fiance were enjoying preparing for their upcoming wedding, when beautifully made up invitations for my girls were arriving  and I was hearing more and more of all the wonderful plans they are having.... He couldn't mean for me not to finally find that great man He has for me... so, I signed up for a Christian Dating Site again.... how foolish of me.... I have come to the conclusion before that a task that complicated has to be orchestrated by God Himself, or it can never work out....
not to say that He wouldn't work through a dating site... I know He has.... but in His time, when the time is right.... and for me, it definitely is not, not yet... too busy... too busy with my family, the Center, with all the curve balls illnesses have thrown me lately.... and, too early for my heart... so, a few days ago I canceled my membership again.... right in time to get the scary news about my daughter... duh......
she is my top priority right now, so are my other two daughters... I am treasuring the time I have with them, without having to worry about investing enough of myself and my time into a new relationship....

I enjoyed the first few chapters, I am sure Pete will have more great insights for me... love that he uses the scriptures to explain the concepts... and, what a nice guy, he even replies personally to some woman from Canada....
God's people are just great... there are definitely some great ones in Nashville, Tennessee... :D

...whatever it takes, Lord....

so I did it, I canceled my trip... I am okay with it because the responsibility and the love for my child just are so much more important than my happiness for a few days....
another appointment with the Dr tomorrow and hopefully a plan of action, not of waiting...
still convinced that she will be fine...
seeing pictures on fb about the tent they put up on MWS's farm.... makes me a bit sad, everyone has been so very caring and nice ... it is 403 days until the cruise next year... waiting, gladly...
read something today that when we worry we do not trust... I am blessed to realize that I am not worried, I am realistic, I researched all this could mean right away... but I am not worried... I trust.
I remember when I used to be so scared of flying... afraid of what could happen... now I pray before we take off and I am just perfectly fine... I used to be so afraid of being alone in the house at night, when my (ex-)husband was away,  with kids and dogs in the house... I could never sleep, until I was told to read Psalm 27 out loud to myself every night...
since being without a husband  I have had nights were it has been just me, even in my big mansion... and I was not afraid at all... when he walked out on us and the pain, disbelief and fear of the unknown wanted to drown me... over time, through meditating on scripture I was able to have peace and trust..
my mother's ordeal, I prayed, prayed a lot, but I was not worried, I trusted Him... even if the outcome would have been worse than it has been... and now this.
it seems I am quite experienced handling bad news now... trusting Him with whatever the outcome will be... for the strength for the journey and His love and provision, His compassion, His healing power but most of all for that He will rescue me / us  from every evil attack and will bring me / us safely to his heavenly kingdom.  (2 Tim 4:18)
growing up in Christ, getting to know Him more and more, having relied on His promises and not been disappointed, having accepted the fact that in this world we DO have troubles, I am okay, and thankfully can communicate this to my child... pray with her when she gets scared and point her to her Daddy in Heaven...
my prayer for my kids has always been that they would love Him as much or more than I do... and for the last 5 months I have even dared to pray "whatever it takes, Lord"... so there we are... whatever it takes, Lord... I trust you for them!!!!!

.... love trumps EVERYTHING...... even Michael W Smith

up in the middle of the night... troubled more than I first was when we got the news yesterday afternoon, troubled about what I should do about my plans for this weekend... I have been looking forward to this for some time and for where I am today this is the best thing not even only since sliced bread but so much more special...
a weekend in Franklin / Nashville Tennessee with my most favorite in the whole wide universe artist... Michael W. Smith, 3 concerts with him and one worship service, an invitation to his ranch for a BBQ and an Open Air concert... meeting his family.... his music has been an instrument of healing, hope and grace in my life since the unthinkable happened almost 18 months ago.....
and now, I am up and can't fall back asleep because I am sure God is telling me I need to cancel this weekend... I need to cancel it because the news we got at the Dr's office has been a bit disconcerting...
because I have a child that is struggling, has been struggling with what has been dealt her in the last 18 months... a child that has had to be okay with her mother spending a total of 4 weeks away in the last two months, and even though she understands that my mother needed me, she needs me... she has been assaulted by some very bad blows, and she needs me now...
yesterday's news of a "mass" in her right kidney, which could be anything from just a shadow, a bright renal column showing up weirdly on an ultrasound to cancer....there is another mass, which could be a kidney stone, or just another mass.... mass.... I hate this word.... she has had pain for a long time... all over the place, it looks like she also has gastritis which is completely stress related.... duh..... the poor kid.
so, as she has been clinging to me, this little independent child of mine, so not her at all.... I think I need to let everyone I was going to meet in beautiful Tennessee know that I won't be coming after all....
I need to do what I did two months ago when I dropped everything and rushed to my mother's ICU bed... my love for my mother trumped any other responsibility, obligation, my aversion against flying and anything else that was important to me.... and today, this early morning my love for my daughter and His Spirit inside of me is telling me I need to drop everything and be with my child.
I am not anxious, I trust the Lord for her health and her emotional needs to be met, I just know that as her mother I need to be there for her...I want to be there for her, like I needed to be there for my mother and wanted and want to be there for her... talking with her on the phone yesterday as well I felt so sorry for her, crying a bit on the phone with her... I can't be there right now... I just can't...
so... long story short... I will  email everyone and give them the news... I know that Michael will be disappointed... ( I wish ) but .....
There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under heaven:
 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build....
a time to travel and have the most fun ever in your life
and a time to stay with those you love...
thankful to have my children to love, what a gift they are to me, same as  my beloved mother,
it is a privilege for me to be at their side whenever they need me... this is just one of those times...
the rest my Daddy, my Abba Father will look after... I just need to be there....

.... a glorious day @ GAC

have I ever mentioned how much I love my church family????? when I first was saved I was surprised to feel such love for people in my church... making friends on a totally different level than ever before..
connecting because we love the same "guy" with a passion that supersedes anything we have ever known..
anyways... this morning, after copying and folding and setting up.. walking into the sanctuary, seeing, hugging and talking to some friends I was surprised I wasn't nervous... the sanctuary was full .. so that's I think about 500 - 600 people... and I was going to have to go up there and speak, only for 4 minutes but nonetheless...
celebrating what God has been doing in the lives of the members of our congregation always is a wonderful thing.. hearing little testimonies ... age range 10 - 65 maybe, and I am only guessing... how uplifting and heart warming..
when it was my turn and I was walking up, my "family" applauded me.... my friends, you have no idea how that made me feel....
it was as if Jesus Himself was saying: "way to go, good and faithful servant".... my prayer before I walked up was that what I was going to say was going to be just about Him, not about me...
life is after all... all from Him and all about Him. He alone is to be praised for anything we ever accomplish...
so basically that's what today was all about... to let my family know that there is a new ministry that is all about the love of Christ... loving the brokenhearted, leading them to Him, who came to bind them up, to restore what the locusts have eaten.... to walk alongside the weak and hold them up with His strength...
I am thankful once again that He is going to use me, a battered, bruised and broken vessel... with all kinds of blemishes and holes, some because of my own and some because of the choices of others...
His love is uncontainable... the more holes the more His love can flow freely through them when we allow it...
over the last few months I have been "out there" in the world and have gotten some interesting responses to my faith and my world view... it definitely is foolishness to those who have not had their eyes opened and their ears unstopped....
my prayer is that through Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center Jesus' irresistible love will flow to many women, young and old, and their families, boyfriends and husbands... may they come to know Him and be filled with His uncontainable love.... SOLI  DEO GLORIA

... there is Hope for Life... and Life abundantly...

... rain, and rain, and more rain... I guess we can rejoice in the fact that it has not snowed like it did in Celerina yesterday...
up again very early, don't understand even though I was never able to sleep before 3 am while being over there I still wake up at 4 am here every day... there is just no winning this battle just losing sleep on a regular basis.. it's all good...
a little sick... I am convinced  I picked this cold up from this guy that was sneezing all over the little train at the Zuerich Airport... what was he thinking not covering his nose :S
anyways... this is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it...
working all day on  preparations for today's activities at the church... I have been given 4 minutes to tell the congregation about Hope for Life... not a lot,  but we also will have an information table during the BBQ for those that are interested in finding out more..
working on my little "speech" I couldn't help but marvel at God's sovereignty and His care.. the way He brought about the launch of this ministry today is so Him... which really means so perfect... the way He works all these things out baffles my mind... details so small and yet not overlooked..
letting me lose what I thought was my security only to point me to Himself over and over again..  my heart emptied of earthly things He then filled the void with heavenly things...
we do not know what the future of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center will be, He does though....
every precious life saved, every soul saved, every sin repented of and forgiven is Christ manifested and honored...
so today I will talk really fast... just kidding, I will trust that what those in the sanctuary will need to hear about this ministry will be communicated by Him... through me, through the Holy Spirit nudging and directing... and all for His Glory Alone.... SOLI DEO GLORIA

.. celebrating a birthday... and life affirming choices...

twenty three years ago I was at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, not knowing that I would not have this baby for another 15 hours... labor 20 hours  and then a C-section... at one point I was actually deciding I didn't want a baby after all and leave... I didn't think I could go on... going on I did and today we are celebrating my oldest daughter's 23rd Birthday..
she has grown up to be a wonderful loving and caring young woman, with a degree in History, enrolled to go to school for another 2 years to get equipped for her real passion, to open a bakery...
She continues to bring me joy and her outer and inner beauty reflect that she is indeed a daughter of the King.. I praise Him and thank Him for her...
this morning I am also going to meet with the Steering Committee for the Pregnancy Center... we have been given a few minutes during the service on Sunday to present this new ministry to the church... afterwards, when the church comes together for a BBQ lunch, we will have an info table for those that want to know more...
considering that my oldest is my "replacement" child... the one I just needed to have to be sure I was able to have a baby after my abortion, the one I had been buying little outfits for for years, that I had been hiding in my closet .... it only makes sense that today we would be working on what the Lord is going to use my bad choice for...  making this calling He placed on me a reality... one step at a time..
my mother walked up and down the hospital hallway for ten minutes yesterday, but also has a slight fever again...  nothing is ever easy but the perseverance and character it teaches us is worth it in the end...
I praise Him from whom all blessings flow...in His goodness he has been there all along...
to Him alone be the glory forever, Amen... SOLI DEO GLORIA

.. heading back, trusting Him...

it is 6:05 am in beautiful Celerina... I am packing the last few items and getting myself ready while my little daughter is still sleeping... the train leaves at 7:05... the start of our 15 hour journey back to Canada..
God is faithful.. we had a great day with my mother yesterday.. alert and not in too much pain... walking around as if nothing has happened... and I am exaggerating ... but, considering that the night before she fell asleep while lying in bed trying to brush her teeth.. and last night she was standing in her little bathroom and took a good two minutes brushing, then changed her nightgown and walked all the way back to bed..
today hopefully some of the tubes will be removed and getting around will be even easier..
we had a tearful Good bye but it was something that could be done... God is so good, He answered our prayers for a good last day.... how hard would it have been leaving her had she not improved...
so now, it is back to good old Canada... looking forward to my own bed and my little sleep companions, the white and fluffy ones..
I am thankful for the way God has provided for us to be here, for the surgery to go well, for recovery to happen, for love and communication, for patience and peace, for funny times together ... today my brother is arriving to take over the care of my mother.. very soon the second leg of her journey to complete healing will be done.. then on to Chemotherapy... and she will make it through that as well..
the truth is as much as she is resisting the Lord, He is still with her and will give her all she needs... because that's who He is...
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved..... He pursues us relentlessly... He won't give up on my cute, rebellious mother... I trust that...
so off we go now... trusting Him for safe travels... and everything else we need, as always...

... an update from the dry and weary place...

once again I kind of thought I should stop writing, stop boring everyone with the up's and down's in my life... and sure enough there are some that say they miss it... really?
anyways... the long awaited update...
the last few days in the hospital have been heart wrenching...
this again was a major surgery and no matter that my mother was really doing very well before and this was not an emergency like it was the last time, no life threatening sepsis happening.. it still is VERY hard on her 71 year old body and her mind and attitude...
suffering just sucks... it's true... no one likes to feel pain... when every little movement hurts and life as you know it is as far away as it can be... so sure she is having a hard time...
some, or maybe a great deal of the pain she has caused herself when the first day after the surgery she was trying to escape her status quo by trying to get up every few minutes and trying to get out of her bed... not good on a freshly operated on tummy.... it is our instinct to flee and I guess my mother is a very strong person... disoriented after all the drugs... all she did was follow her instinct and try to get away...
obviously that was not a very good thing....
the last 2 days have been a little more peaceful yet hard... seeing your mother like that, sedated and whimpering to herself and groaning because of pain and discomfort when all we can do is offer her some tea or broth... putting more lotion on her dry lips and helping her to sit up for a moment....
on a positive note, the sun has been shining and it is just so marvelously beautiful here up in the mountains... my daughter is such a delight to be around... so compassionate and caring, funny and smart... I am blessed to spend that much time with her...
so we are going to leave tomorrow (Wednesday), I am praying that today will be a much better day ... because otherwise leaving will be very hard...
I am feeling quite dry spiritually, like being in a desert, I am hoping in the Lord for continued healing, but I am exhausted and I am missing the joy... I know it is there for me ... I read this just now:

O God, you are my God, 

   earnestly I seek you; 

my soul thirsts for you, 

   my body longs for you, 

in a dry and weary land 

   where there is no water.

  I have seen you in the sanctuary 

   and beheld your power and your glory. 

 Because your love is better than life, 

   my lips will glorify you. 

I will praise you as long as I live, 

   and in your name I will lift up my hands. 

 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

   with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

  On my bed I remember you; 

   I think of you through the watches of the night. 

 Because you are my help, 

   I sing in the shadow of your wings. 

 My soul clings to you; 

   your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63

this is where I am.. He is upholding us... my mother is fighting Him.... when will she just give in ???

but He knows best... and that is true.. so there... an update... hope you like it ;)

on a VERY happy note... 9 days until I leave for NASHVILLE..... see how He is blessing me... amazing!!!

..hope in what?

pondering all that is on my mind and heart...my own issues, those of family and friends... some of the things seem unsurmountable... thinking about praying and hoping and trusting I thought I go and check out what this hope that we as children of God can have really is... so what is hope...


I found these verses and thought that the context is quite important as well... 


so here we go, Romans 5:3-5


More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.


and a little further down...
 Romans 8, 18-26:


I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.  For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.


so hope in God, not in luck or chance, or destiny, or the stars... in God, will not put us to shame, or disappoint... because by His spirit in us... we are able to trust and wait patiently.... and even when our hope does not get fulfilled exactly the way we wanted it.. we continue to trust and believe that the One who saved us knows best and in the end all will work out for the good of those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose...


so, my hope for a successful surgery and a full recovery for my mother, my hope for one day living without grief over my loss, my hope for a family dispute to be solved amicably and for dear friends to find healing and peace... is in God, in His perfect plans, in His Mighty Power and I will patiently wait and continue to lift those worries up to Him...tell Him about it in our closest moments... and I know, that He is never ever going to let me down... because if there is one thing I am sure of it is that I love Him for eternity....


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

... Nurse Miriam and choices.....

.. a birthday spent with my mother... the last few hours I have been nurse Miriam, dealing with her preparation for her Colonoscopy tomorrow.. a privilege for sure...
getting up early to make the 2 hours trek down the mountains with her  2 hours up again after... will take her to the hospital Thursday afternoon for the surgery on Friday...
have been thinking what this day also used to be a bit more the last few hours.. difficult... just watched a documentary on German TV about abortion... hard for me, the intellectual, totally faith-less way of looking at things.... made me think about what happens in a world without God... where man/woman decides lead only by their own feelings... void of a deeper responsibility for their own choices, an accountability to God.. our own feelings become our guide... because we feel a certain way we have no trouble at all justifying those choices even if our conscience bothers us....
staying in a marriage that fails to make me happy????  I just want to be happy... really?????
a child, a baby... not convenient, or scary... without God no hope for support and help...  sad, so sad...
I know what I am talking about... I left a marriage many years ago for that reason, I had an abortion because I had no support, and it was just not a convenient time... I do understand it, I am guilty of doing the same thing...
I also know the consequences... I know the impact my choices have had... on me, my children... I wasn't aware of my responsibility and accountability... back then....
but I know it now... and my heart breaks for all those poor unsuspecting people that are so empty inside... no one tells them about that God has indeed given us His "rules" to protect us from the consequences... that He is there to help... the unhappy marriage..with His help and a willingness to humble oneself and repent and follow Him by both partners there is HOPE, there is happiness...
the baby... with His help and support we can do it... we can.....

living with the knowledge that my choices have caused others consequences, that my children are the ones that are walking around with them does one thing in me for sure... it makes me passionate to share with them and everyone who dares to talk to me about these issues ;) it is not worth it to disobey God... there is no real benefit in the end... happiness.... a very fleeting feeling... the blessing of obedience... eternal....
today... my prayer is that He will continue to use me .... that those wrong choices of mine are by His grace bringing about something good after all.... choices that honor God... I love you Lord...

... Birthday Celebration.....

..so different than my last visit here... such a blessing, something I would have taken for granted up until then, my mother sitting on the couch with me in Celerina... staying at our family’s place during my last visit was weird... because it was really only a place for us to sleep and change clothes... I think we had one ”real deal meal” there the whole 2 1/2 weeks I spent there.... no hanging around talking for hours like my mother loves to do... well, this time... all 3 of them standing there at the Celerina Bahnhof... picking me up... I had been wondering if my mother would come to pick me up or if it would be too much for her... but there they were... all three of them..... so very happy to see especially her, looking as well as on the pictures from Mother’s Day.....
“lounging around” on the couches for hours talking, my mother, my daughter and I... a gift from God....


today, my mother’s 71st Birthday.... born in 1940 during the war... her first 5 years, with a father absent because of war, a mother trying to bring up her baby with limited resources, my mother remembers distinctly having to go to the bomb shelter in the middle of the night... leaving her with a deep seated fear that manifested itself when she was expecting her 3rd child... she only had 2 hands... what if she had to flee somewhere, she could only hold on to two children at once... thanks be to God she never had to run from anything when we were little...


waiting to start the birthday celebrations with a beautiful breakfast and  the opening of gifts I am marveling at God’s plan for our lives... the fact that every little detail is His, from Him, that nothing escapes the sovereignty of our Father in heaven... from the day we are born into this world until we pass on to be either with Him or apart from Him for eternity He is intricately involved in our details.... allowing our choices bad or good only to lovingly teach us and refine us... never because He doesn’t care but because He cares.. changing us gently... the goal always to make us more like Him..


I do love the English language.. one of the reasons is this saying... when difficult things happen they can either make us bitter or better...He always has the better in mind... but we have the choice... we can become bitter and full of resentment and hatred, choosing not to forgive... or we become better, more like Him, learning to forgive quicker, trusting Him more and becoming more patient and peaceful... more like Him...


as Christians we can be sure that around the next corner the next challenge is awaiting us... it is our choice... will we willingly walk with our Saviour and be transformed into His likeness more and more or will we resist and fight against it.. to the detriment of those around us and our own... because... let’s be clear about this.. He will bring about the changes in us, it just depends how much pressure it will take... how many heartaches and conflicts.. in my mind it is a no brainer.... being obedient is the better choice.....

... train ride through the mountains...

....five and a half weeks have gone by since I have been on the SBB, the Swiss Railway... never thought that I, the one who hates the whole “flying to a different continent thing” just because it makes me ill.... my body can’t really take it... never thought I’d have been to Europe 3 times in the last 6 months... crazy....

first trip was in December... to Poland for the World Championship of Dance with my daughter... then, an emergency, my mother suddenly in the hospital... my mother ... she was not supposed to ever get sick... but there she was, needing her children around her.... and then this time... it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow and I promised her when she  finally woke up after 10 days in the ICU that I would come back for her birthday...

remembering as a little girl how much I loved to sneak into my Mami’s bed at night, when she was still up... sinking my face into her pillow... the smell of comfort security and love...

her skin so soft... her eyes so loving... taking such good care of me....

how could my feeling dizzy and nauseous for days keep me from bringing her joy on her birthday... a birthday that could so easily have been the first one we just would have been able to remember her... a horrible first... missing her instead of celebrating it with her...

now my mother’s birthday for many years also used to be my anniversary.... last year was the first year for this to be a day of grieving and heartache for me... a nice trip last year to Italy, Capri to be exact... celebrating my mother’s 70’s birthday... no compassion from her for me being saddened beyond belief...

this year... asking me a few times in the last few weeks if I was still sad and I admitted I was... so different from last year... thanking God for that......

so I am choosing tomorrow to focus my attention on the blessings at hand rather than on what I lost... what was torn from my heart.. I will be grateful for a mother who still smells so good and whose skin is so soft, and who, even though I wasn’t so sure if she loved me for a while, still looks at me with these eyes so full of love...

my heart is overflowing with love while at the same time the loss still hurts so much...

and through it all I am held... in a tight embrace, by the One who I love with all my heart and mind and soul, because He first loved me, when I was still an enemy of His... He died for me... so I might not have had much “luck” in love ... but I am assured of the love of the Eternal One, Emmanuel, God with us..  and as much as I am longing for a prince to come and sweep me off my feet... and to live happily ever after... I already have more than I ever need or deserved for that matter....

Praise be to the Lord..... I will be forever grateful.....

... great sermon sending me off...

.. just in between packing and getting everything ready for me to leave... a few thoughts...
great sermon, once again, so blessed to be part of an amazing church family, led by the most amazing Pastor and Elders...
there are no "bad " things happening to His people... sad things, painful things, "unfair" and sinful things happening, making us sad, hurting us beyond our worst imaginations, conflicts and trials... hard stuff, but not bad... because God promises to work EVERYTHING out for the BEST of those that love Him...

trusting Him for that and really believing it is the key to finding the peace that is ours in Christ Jesus...
believing that He really came to die for my sins... the price that He was willing to pay for me to be saved... being authentic and open and in community with my fellow believers... I don't have to carry my burden alone... and lastly... focusing on what it is all about... eternity with Him and following well while here... taking our eyes off ourselves and pressing on.... in His strength...
looking back over the last year and 5 months... all this has been proven to be true.....
as much as I sometimes cannot see what the good that God will bring out of this is... most of the time I can... and even if I couldn't, I definitely trust Him more for this today than ever before..
My church family has been my support... and still is... I know that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed for Him to die on a cross for my sins.. and He did... and... taking my eyes off myself since last summer definitely has helped in giving me strength to keep on going...
All for His glory... so, as everything is a bit hectic and I am leaving my kiddies and puppies alone AGAIN... I am trusting Him for them as well.... my youngest still sick, please pray that she will be getting better each day... even without her Mami being there....
getting on this plane tonite... thankful and full of hope, for God turning everything into something good for those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose....
# SOLI DEO GLORIA

... pondering life....

.. so we didn't get the BBQ today after all... but we still had the burgers and the full spread.. my girls are making Birthday cards for my Mami... it's raining and my Jesus is loving us... God willing when I come back I will have a screen door and a new thermostat that I can actually set to the temperature I want... now that would be a treat...  ;)
my little puppy as always, attached to me...sitting on my couch pondering life...
when He came and rescued me from the pit of hopelessness and self destruction, senseless and meaningless striving... futile and frustrating struggling.... He saved me because He loved me... but that was not the only reason... not at all.... He saved me to make Himself known to the world, the world He created that is dismissing Him, belittling Him and disobeying Him... He laid out the path of my life, being the All Knowing God that He is... to need Him, to cling to Him, to love Him with that passion He created in me, to have my heart broken just for Him to catch me... to be heart broken by what breaks His heart.. to love like He loves, to be compassionate like He has compassion on His people, to seek Him... to share Him and to depend on Him for everything....
 to thank Him for everything, to ascribe worth to Him in the presence of those who deny Him, and don't know Him.... SOLI DEO GLORIA....
it's all from Him... without Him I am not able to love, to bless, encourage or comfort...through Him I can be like Him, by His grace He transforms me, trial by trial... more and more into His likeness and that... that is worth all the tears... to know Him is what it is all about... to draw near to Him and find the acceptance and the love, the value, the significance... to be able to accept HIs will and thank Him for it... not to worry about tomorrow... but to leave it in His capable hands... a decision each time, not always easy but the right decision nonetheless..
they are still working away my girlies... love them so much... missing the one who isn't here but so thankful she is blessing my mother right now... reunited with her on Monday...
God is good, he is merciful and just, He is the Lover of my Soul... I am known by Him... how precious..
He has prepared good works for me to do and... best of all, He has prepared a room for me in His mansion.... that beats all...... do you know Him?????

...what if Your healing comes through tears.....

... plans are shaping up... plane ticket printed, train schedule checked... plans made for the birthday dinner with my mom, on wednesday taking her down the mountains for her Colonoscopy and up again afterwards... praying the vertigo meds will work and driving myself will help as well... if all is okay surgery on Friday...  my head is spinning... actually my whole world was literally spinning earlier... heart racing and sweating... no idea why..... better now... phew..
wow... busy and crazy and so wonderful at the same time.... will see my mother on Monday afternoon... thankful to have her... loving her so much...
meetings all last week for the Center.. all of this is coming together as well... first volunteer meeting last Thursday... encouraged by the love and compassion that was felt in the room..
God is going to use us, what an amazing privilege...  blessings all around... looking quite different than imagined at times... but so much more precious and dear.. His loving hand never letting go, gently leading me along the path he knows will be best... for each of us...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

such truth, such blessing.... this world, all our dreams and hopes and longings it can never satisfy... trusting Him completely to lead me... wondering how many sleepless nights and tears it will take......

Laura Story : Blessings

.."inviting" His sovereignty...

..I do love following these wonderful Christians and Christian organizations on Twitter.... many humble and wise people tweeting a scripture or a challenge.. I have found that very often something speaks to me and makes me think, and pray, and check stuff out in my bible..
this morning... after waves  of discouragement lately... I read a blog from one of the Nashville pastors I like a lot... ;) pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville... Pete Wilson..
challenged by him to think about and realize what my "State of Deception" is... accepting the fact we all are in a certain state of deception at all times ... he quotes Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man,  but in the end it leads to death.
Jeremiah 17:9 explains it even better: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
wow... scary.... so what is the "State of Deception" I am in?
I am guessing it is "feeling devalued and abandoned"... have stayed there for too long... time to move on, not just accepting God's sovereignty but inviting it, applauding it and celebrating it... truth is, that the plans He has are to prosper and not to harm, to give a FUTURE and a HOPE... it is true... it is something very good... I am special... He refines me... He uses me... He loves me... He blesses me beyond anything I could have ever asked for...
I am deciding to step out of this state of deception and let go of the "self pity" because what others might have intended for evil He only allowed because He has something so much better for me...
 so...what state of deception are you in?????

... Mother's Day....

...Mother's Day 2011.... the 47th Mother's Day I have experienced... and I admit... can't remember the first 3 or 4... I do remember picking flowers for my mother, Lily of the Valley and "Himmel schluesselchen" ( "Keys to Heaven"... one of my most favorite wild flowers... they don't grow here unfortunately)  making crafts for her and bringing my gifts plus some breakfast to her bed...
then, the last 22 years I have been a mother myself... beautiful paintings and cakes and flowers... hand made cards and beautiful words... have spent Mother's Day at Dance Competitions a few times already... today was another one of those...
last year, my mother hadn't quite dropped the bomb on me that she thought it served me well to have my husband lie and cheat on me and leave me... that happened a few weeks later... but I had found out that she too had betrayed me by, 6 weeks after he walked out on me, taking him and his "girlfriend" out for dinner...
this year... one of my beautiful daughters spending mother's day with my mother... posting pictures on facebook... arranging for a wonderful Mother's Day for her...
this year... talking to my mother I could hardly keep it together... because... I almost lost her 6 weeks ago... never before have I been that thankful for still having my mother around...
I don't think I have ever loved her more than I do today... the last 47 years of my relationship with my mother have not been without disappointment and sadness... I have let her down, and she has hurt me...
but we have forgiven each other and today there is only the love between a mother and a daughter...
today I missed my mother a lot... today I would have loved to spend the day with her...
sending a card over for her  was all I could do.... calling her and telling her how much I love her....
teary eyed even now thinking of her...  she looks good... what a miracle she is still alive and doing so well... spending these days in the ICU watching her vitals 24/7... praying for that exact miracle... tends to make one a bit emotional...
thankful for my daughters and my mother on this day... deeply touched by how blessed I am to be the mother of these three...  praising God for His mercy and love for all of us... the deep emotional bond we have... a bond that can never be broken... unlike other's we believe are there forever only to find out they weren't after all....  my heart is filled with joy and gratitude.... looking forward to seeing my mother real soon, celebrating her birthday with her... I am going to make every day I have with her count... count not only for the here and now but by His grace for eternity...

... ruined for this world..... a good thing...

... went through a little time of wanting to take my destiny into my own hands, helping God along a bit, you know... we all do it...  knowing full well that He does NOT need my help..... okay okay....
so... encounters with the "world"...... safely keeping enough distance ... but still... had to find out again... He does know best... who would have thought.... hahahaha...

reminded again, my citizenship is in heaven... I am not of this world... I am in the world, but I am a foreigner... when the Lord of Heaven and Earth claimed me as His own almost 17 years ago He basically "ruined" me for this world...

living mostly in this "Christian Community Bubble", where we all have the same kind of core values and beliefs.. I am shocked how different the values of the world really are... and how "weird" I have become in the world's eyes... the funny part is that only 2, 3 generations ago I would have fit in very easily....

 so am I some dusty, forgotten, old fashioned lady that is stuck in the past? hung up on things that have been "improved"...  someone silly and narrow minded?

this is one way of looking at it, but on the other hand...  God gave us morals and values and a guide to living thousands of years ago.... people have been following these laws and guidelines all throughout the ages... there have always been others that ridiculed them, even persecuted and killed them for it...
could it be that I should be thankful I don't fit in? taking every opportunity to reflect who God is to people and not be troubled that I am just not a citizen of this world but of heaven?

Philippians 3 :18-21
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.  Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

for sure... in my case today I was protected again by my loving Father in Heaven...  faithfully answering my prayers of closing doors I shouldn't go through...

reality is, He doesn't need my help. I need more patience... I should not and can not compromise... I am His and that is the end of it. once again He rescued me from myself... I asked Him to and He did...