... examine yourself....

... today is Halloween... I hate Halloween.. anything dark and so obviously NOT from God repulses me.. so sorry, I am not giving out candy... not me... have some different opinions about that as well... I know, I am no fun.
This morning... Church... Hallelujah... it was another amazing service... Great Worship, a sermon once again challenging us to live authentically, following Christ, allowing Him to be Lord over all areas of our lives...
Actually, we really need to do that... if we say He is Lord, He needs to be Lord... otherwise we are not representing Him well and are hurting the cause...

Only through Him can we have this kind of an authentic walk, only He can make us act in love and not react in anger and revenge... if we are  not increasingly becoming more and more like that we need to be asking ourselves if we will be one of those people that when we see our Lord in person get's this answer... why are you calling me Lord... I do not know you...

So let's do this...Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 2 Cor 13:5

How can we know.... well, if the Holy Spirit is in us... we will see changes as He is growing His fruit in us... a desire to serve Him and know Him more.. deep sorrow when we slip and increased love when we find His forgiveness and unconditional love...

He has promised us this:

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

So let us examine ourselves, let us surrender to Him and seek His face daily... not only can we then be sure to be one of His children, but we also will be filled by His love and we won't be able to contain it....
others will be blessed... Thank You Lord..

.. light breaking through???

..done with sin???? dying to it???? Is that even possible while we are here? wow... that would be a great thing... how to achieve this I wonder... best would be to be able to flick a switch... a miracle... but, what can I say, I doubt it would happen that way...


In 1 Peter chapter 4 it says something intriguing:


Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 


Intriguing for sure...


Done with sin... no more evil human desires??? I would love to meet someone who can give testimony about this... I am thinking it must be some very old, very sick for a very long time person... for this to work out...


Examining myself , after almost 16 and a half years of walking with Him, choosing to follow Him and by His grace succeeding to be obedient once in a while I am far from anywhere near this goal... not enough suffering, in my body? 


It goes on in 1 Peter...
..be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.


Some steps towards the goal : be clear minded, self controlled,pray, love deeply to cover over a multitude of sins.. don't grumble but serve, extend grace through it and do it by God's strength...


further on..
do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.


and finally:
So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.


Here we are... that's how it goes... commit yourself to the Lord and continue to do good...
This is a daily, step by step commitment... to accept suffering and to rely on Him, through praying and serving bringing glory to God....  


still sick today... circumstances not changed..some more light shed on my life through His Word... light breaking through Eeyore's cloud... a better look at the Truth.. fixing my eyes on Jesus... thanks be to God for His unending patience and His powerful way of penetrating the darkness... committing myself again... committed for another step along the way.. by His strength...  

... under the cloud of sin and wrong choices....

..to live in this world..in the mug... in the middle of the heartbreak, the lies, the lack of morals and loyalty...the selfish choices and the total disregard of others... the confusion over what is right and what is wrong, the injustices, the devastation... it is so black... it is so overwhelming, so painful, so unfair...so hopeless and so exhausting...

To be called out of this darkness into the light... it is amazing. To be sucked back into it at times is unfortunate.

I am "rememorizing" 1 Peter 1 right now... and there it says... Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that will never perish spoil or fade kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed  in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to SUFFER  GRIEF in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold which perishes even though refined by fire - is proven to be genuine and may result in praise , glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed....

May have had to suffer???????????? just today a big wave pulled me under... took my breath away and had me realize AGAIN how horrible sin's consequences are ( and that I have to live "in" those consequences, even if I didn't commit the sin)... May have had to suffer???.... maybe it should go like that:  you ARE and always to a certain extent WILL BE suffering......that is depressing ... hopeless, really, but then... so that your faith may be proven GENUINE and will result in GLORY , HONOR and PRAISE for Jesus..

Hmmm. Right now, right now I do not like this one bit, I have a cold and like I said was hit with a baseball bat over the head with the "facts" of my life....so I AM fed up and very sad... the truth of the memorized scripture is still that: TRUTH  and He, the Truth, the Way and the Life is the one that called me out of the darkness into His marvelous light... right now, because of the black cloud, I might not see it, but that doesn't mean it is not there...

Just this morning, before all this happened, I was thinking how I just still have such a hard time that he could have just walked away from the commitment and US... dismissed us as worthless...

I need to focus on the fact that this does not mean we ARE worthless, it really only means that one person made a very wrong choice... and we have to live with the consequences... bummer...

If it results in GLORY PRAISE and HONOR I guess I am okay with it... anything for Him...the one that gives me my worth... hmmmmm, sucky night...  Pray for us....

... sold out to Him...

.. this morning at RENEW... during our Worship time... He was telling me something...I felt so warm and full of joy, knowing I was at home.. home in the place where I belong... home where I can be myself... in His house, with His people, for the first time since I became His child living a 100% for Him..
Realizing that my love and passion for my Saviour defines me.. it is okay to be "just" that... not just tolerated and sometimes made fun off.. my passion looked upon as being fanatic... not able to share this passion with the one I was sharing my life with... something always missing ... this part of me allowed to be lived out only in the ministries I was serving and with my Christian girl friends..
I never  knew that some part of me was always tucked away when I was the wife that was trying to make it work ( in His strength.. funny isn't it ) never aware I was putting some part of me on hold... nobody made me do that.. I just did...
Now, as I am getting more and more comfortable being "just me" there is no more reason for me to hide who I really am... a grateful follower of Jesus Christ, fully sold out to Him, living out of the abundance of His love that is oozing out of me... unstoppable no matter the cost....
I have been told numerous times that I was too intense, that not everything had to do with God and the Spiritual Realm... when I always see what is going on on this level ...
This morning He made that clear to me.. that I am me, Miriam, His beloved child and that He has made me into this passionate and totally committed to Him woman... that my purpose is to represent Him to the world and that this is GOOD. That it is all I need, and that this is the reason He allowed the sin that was committed against me... allowing me to know from the bottom of my heart that I had done everything I could to make my marriage work ... He allowed it to set me free, to be free to be who He has made me to be...
My heart once again is overflowing with thankfulness and awe.... uncontainable, overwhelming... and I know that many people just cannot relate and understand what is going on.. .and that is okay...
My focus is to follow Him, worrying not how to please men but how to please Him who died for me.... surrendering my will, my life, my hopes and desires... and realizing that I will not settle... that if there is a man that God has for me it will have to be someone who is as crazily in love with Him who is the reason we are here.. the lover of my soul.. my Redeemer and King...my Jesus!!!

.. he loves me... he loves me not...

..he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me.. he loves me not... remember that game.. all the poor, unsuspecting flowers getting their petals ripped off in an attempt to find out if he, the one we like, loves us... little girls are doing it... girls a little older do it and even "old" girls are still vulnerable and insecure..
especially when, like me, they found out the hard way that the one who said he loved her turned out to have been lying about it for a time and eventually admits that he DOESN'T..
Over the last year or so, after what I had fearfully suspected was proven to be a fact.. ... I have continually struggled with this....
As a born again Christian, in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He actually does love me... not only that, He made me the way I am, is constantly very gently making me even better... He will always love me and nothing can ever change that...but.... the need to be validated by a human, real flesh man is creeping up... again and again... sometimes it is only a "little need"... that is easily dealt with through prayer and time with Him, the one true love I have.. He helps by giving me other stuff to focus on, opportunities of service and joy through blessings from Him, like my kids and my friends...
Other times it comes over me like a black cloud, and this cloud follows me around... (I always have had a close connection to Eeyore... what a cute little munchkin....) then it is harder to shake off and then I am saddened  for a bit longer...
Then there are other times when I am walking in the warmth of the embrace of my Father in Heaven and I feel so loved.. it is amazing...
So, is it going to stay like this forever? the changes? There are less "very needy" times, for sure.. so maybe it will change.. I am actually pretty fine alone, most of the time, enjoying the freedom....but then the Eeyore moments come and again my Saviour has to pick me up and put me back on my feet... so glad He does not get annoyed easily... actually He has amazing patience and love for me...
He does make me smile... and He does give me strength... He is the One that lifts me up... and keeps me close.... no need to pull out flower petals, no need to wonder and fret... I know that I know that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus loves me... because the Bible tells me so...  :)

... we are living stones...

.. an new morning and God's mercies are new again... Heading to Cambridge again and meeting with 2 clients.... the one professes to be a buddhist, the other was brought up Catholic and had no trouble us praying for her when she came the first time...

As I am so excited for what God is doing in my life and as the fact that I get to share Him and His love with those that do not know Him I need to make something very clear....

Jesus came to save the lost and when He left He gave us the Great Commission... telling us to go and make disciples of all nations... He also came to give us something very worth wile, He gave it to us, because he knew, considering we are made in His image and He is in constant community ( The Trinity...)  we needed it...He gave us the church, His body, to be encouraged, held accountable, taught and ministered to, a "building" of living stones, build on the Cornerstone,  Jesus Christ....

Jesus disciples, at the Day of Pentecost, when the Counselor that Jesus had promised them came over them did just that, he made them into a church, a community of believers and from there it spread...

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.  

(Acts 2: 42-47)

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.(Hebrews 10:24 -26)

As I go out into the world so to speak, by God's grace, I am deeply rooted in the spiritual building He allowed me to become part of by serving Him, worshipping and learning together, making the Invisible Christ visible together..

And this is where I return to, to be build up and encouraged, to be spurred on, to be loved, to be ministered to and to minister to others...

Jesus, who gave His life for His bride, the church has this plan for me and for you.... to be part of a community of believers, to worship Him together to seek Him there and on our own in our Secret Place, and from there go out and make disciples... because He came so that we would bring the Good News to them ....to those that have not heard about Him... who alone can bring salvation and a purpose... I love Him and I love the church He has placed me in...

.. let His light shine...

The other day in my JOG group ( Journey of Growth, a mentoring ministry that was given to my beautiful, godly and wise pastor's wife) after reciting our memory work, sharing how God had spoken to us through the passage we were reading that week, accountability and prayer, we somehow ended up talking about what our names meant... and what was our verse, according to the book my friend owns...
Her verse turned out to be one of my most favorite verses :

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing."

Not fair...I should have had this one  ;)....but good for her..
She was kind enough to look my name up for me..


Miriam...
Inherent Meaning: Dwelling in the Spirit,
Spiritual Connotation: Discerning one...
My verse : Matthew 5:14-16 "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. ♥ ( original heart from my friend... she is cute like that :)

Now, isn't that amazing, it definitely totally confirmed all He has been revealing to me over the years of me being a Christian... all I have been hearing lately... Dwelling in the Spirit... this has been my prayer every morning for so long... Discernment, one of my spiritual gifts.. cool, and then the verse...
This has been my focus, shown to me by God for so long as well, and just lately it definitely has been the main focus.... no idea how the author of the book comes up with this, and really, it doesn't matter..

 Believing that God is sovereign over all Creation,
Isaiah 45: 6-7
I am the LORD there is no other,
I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

this is what He wanted me to hear.... how kind and amazingly loving of Him..the attention to detail blows me away again and again...
so today, as every day, I am asking Him to let my light, which is really His light pouring out through the cracks in me ( cracks left by sin and wrong choices of myself and others ) SHINE today, so that HE would be revealed in me and glorified through me.. because NEWS FLASH...that's why we are here...

.. a broken world without hope...

.. it would be really interesting to find out how we come up with this... we are selfish and full of pride.. liars, cheaters and greedy people...how did we come up with thinking we have a right to be perfectly happy and taken care of... how DID we ????

I think it is  something deep down inside, since we are made in the image of God, maybe there is some memory or idea how it should be... in the garden of Eden.. walking with the Lord, enjoying His love, attention, provision and care... right... that's probably why..

But back then, it happened, sin entered the world and brokenness has been the norm since... and until our eyes are opened by God's grace, revealing Himself to us and letting us get a glimpse of who we really are, corrupt and totally depraved, we have no idea and DEMAND all the good stuff, feeling entitled to judge others and get really upset that they are, as we are ourselves, totally unable to treat us that way..

Until 3 months ago, before getting involved at the Pregnancy Center I had NO IDEA!!! Oh, I had heard about people struggling, drugs, abuse, poverty... I had felt sorry and I had even prayed, given money for good causes etc. ... but, I had  no idea.

God had allowed me to reach out to hurting women and to extend His healing but that was all inside the church walls, ministering to people that already had received the most important gift there is..salvation through Jesus...

I am so thankful to have been led outside the walls in a capacity to try and make a difference for God's glory, to walk along side people that never had a chance... lost in a broken world, dealing with tough stuff, making wrong choices and just never able to get ahead and find some stability and hope.

How small even the "ultimate" betrayal by an unfaithful husband, the pain inflicted by some of the closest people stabbing me in the back seems in comparison to what these girls deal with on a daily basis..

Girls the same age as my girls, even younger, with so many scars already... so many losses and hurts...
and I am not saying that my girls have not been hurt by those letting us down, but I am realizing that through all this God has had us under His wings, protected for sure from greater harm.

Again, nothing compared to the 3 young women that I am mentoring now.. As I am praying for them I am fully aware that the biggest gift I have for them is not all the nice stuff they can find for their babies , or the help, support and encouragement I can give, but the one thing, that alone can make a difference in someone's life, the Good News, a relationship with the One who gave His life so that by His wounds we could be healed..

As I am relating to the women that come into the center, I pray that they would see Jesus in me and that His love would touch them and draw them close. I am thankful that sharing Him with others is something I love doing.. so as relationships are being established I will tell them about my best friend, the One who does not only have for me all I could ever need but who is always going to be there....and that He wants to be their friend too!!!!!!!!!!  :D

... a new morning....

... a new week...woke up with a headache, again... a long list of to do's... moving in less than a month...I really do NOT want to pack everything up again.... another consequence.. sucky...  "3" moves in one year... :(
The last few days were kind of grey, like the weather and for a while there I got a little discouraged.. I so want to be done with this...
Then, this morning, like every morning, I heard from God... He speaks to me from His word, and it is all very clear to me.. no surprises that we are facing trials.. but such a wonderful privilege to be called by His name... love His people, and that I do... feel His presence and know that HE is trustworthy and faithful... reliable... I guess that's one of the main things for me , and I shouldn't be surprised... promises broken leave you with a humongous need for someone who won't break His promises, thankfully I have known Him for a long time to be sure that I can trust Him...
Heading to Cambridge today, excited about that.. meeting with the lady I am working together to open our own Center tomorrow morning.. He is moving... in big ways and it is EXHILARATING !!!!!!!
So taking my eyes off the bleak, the grey and the painful ... fixing them on the One who calls me His sister and by His strength and grace I will embark on a new week... He gives and takes away... I will choose to say, Lord blessed is Your name!!!!!

...light and momentary troubles...

..this has been an interesting day...it's coming to an end, and that is a good thing. I am exhausted and spent emotionally.
This morning at RENEW, our Women's Bible Study, I was leading the discussion on how through Praise and Thanksgiving any circumstance becomes bearable because we are taking our eyes off ourselves and are fixing them on Him... how we are called to Praise God in the turmoil and thank Him rather than be negative and complain.
I thank God that tonight, confronted once again with the futility of life, appalled and saddened what a life lived without Him looks like in the later years.. I can praise my Father in Heaven once more for saving me...
rather than feeling defeated and empty after a quite depleting evening I  am reading all the "tweets" of the godly people I am following on twitter and I am being encouraged...
God is at work and He has amazing people out there serving Him in great and new ways...
Encouraged to look to Him and His Word rather than to the circumstances this is what comes to mind and points me in the right direction:
my light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Thanks to what He did for me, eternity is something to look forward to and not something to be feared...
even though a wave of sadness and loss came my way very unexpectedly this afternoon and made me cry..again... I rejoice that this day, like tomorrow is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it... through Him, the One who is greater than my yesterdays, who holds me close today, who is the Lord of my tomorrows.... I can face whatever comes my way and Praise Him in the Turmoil...

... intended for evil...

10 months ago something tragic happened ( actually 10 months and 2 days ago to be precise) a dramatic and shocking turn of events, a tsunami that knocked the life right out of us.

10 months later, one thing has become very clear to me... God in His sovereignty , after sifting what was coming at us through His loving fingers, allowed what was intended for evil...  because He was going to use it for good, to bring about  His purpose in my life... (I am trusting that the same is true for God's purpose for my children...)

intended for evil... God turning it into something good... sounds familiar?
right, Joseph, his envious brothers selling Him as a slave... God allowing it and using the evil to make sure Abraham's descendants would not have to starve during the famine..

10 months later, the wounds that were inflicted are healing slowly, scars will remain, a sadness that will probably never really leave for what was lost, but at the same time it seems that by losing my marriage I was freed up to pursue what God had been preparing me for my whole life. Allowing heartache and wrong choices, allowing me to serve and learn in Women's Ministry for many years, he finally brought me to the place where my greatest passion and the biggest perceived need intersected... the place where I will be able to bring the most glory to Him..who prepared these good works in advance for me.

today I found myself to be the only one at the Center to welcome a young pregnant girl and offer her our help. I set everything up for her to start the appropriate program. She left with a bag full of maternity clothes, some baby items, a lot of helpful info material and an appointment to meet with me for her first session next week. entering her data in the system and preparing her file made me feel that I was helping this young girl to find support and hope.

it feels like "in the fullness of time" God is bringing to fruition what He had planned from before I was born..
it fills my heart with gratitude that He would have a purpose for me, a place where I can extend His love to needy and lost women in a crisis situation bringing glory to Him and representing Him to the women that will come into "my" Center one day...

So, what was intended for evil... by God's grace might turn into something good after all...

....winter is coming...

..the sun is shining.. it is a crisp fall morning.. the colors are intense even though some trees already look a little bare... winter is definitely out there, on it's way to us.. we can count on it.
for some this is horrible news and they are already plotting how they can get away from it...
for some, there are mixed feelings... clear, really crisp winter mornings are on the way ( makes me think of skiing.. so much fun ) but then again, the freezing rain yuckiness... horribly cold winds... slush and slippery roads... hmmmmm..
we know it is coming, we would like to escape, but we know we can't, or not for long anyways.. after all, we are in Canada and winter stays with us for a very, very long time...
We can be sure of one thing though, and that is that spring definitely will come...and summer even, after that..

isn't that what our lives are like too??? Sometimes we know that the road ahead will not be an easy one and if we could, we really would like to get away... we also know though we can't escape it and that even in the difficult times there will be moments of joy ( Christmas is in the winter!!!)
we also know that with God there is always going to be spring and summer on the horizon...there is hope, there is a future in heaven with Him that has been guaranteed, there are blessings throughout and there will always be a silver lining... like those beautiful winter days.

it might be harsh at times and cold, but there is always the warmth and comfort of the shelter we have with our Father in Heaven, who, with His love will keep us warm.....He will protect us from harm and keep us safe through the barren winter months...

there is a reason for winter... there is a reason for the valleys and difficult times in our lives.. new life springs from it, growth and beauty.
we just need to trust in Him, who made it all, who put it all together and who is in total control of EVERYTHING that happens in and to His Creation.
the more we know Him the more we can trust Him...He is always there, like an open book (His Word) all we need to know is right there for us. we can meet Him face to face and draw as close as we desire.. He promised He will be there always, until the end of time...

so don't be discouraged by what might be ahead...He has it all figured out!!!
I Praise Him for the sunshine of today!!!

... Unmerited Favor......

...He has already done all that I will  ever need for me.. He, by dying on the cross has reconciled me with the Father, He has paid the penalty for my sin that would have separated me from my Creator and kept me in this place  (hell = eternal separation from God)... He had no reason to ever do anything else for me.. I didn't deserve the gift of His salvation anyways... Grace, the unmerited favor...
But.. like I said earlier today... His love surrounds me like a blanket, it keeps me warm and protected, I can take it with me wherever I go.. so I did... first, I went to pick my daughter up...


Hostile situation # 1.... I got to the Dance Studio where she had the rehearsal .. and she was gone.. drove there for nothing, she had gone home with another dancer's mother, they were done an hour earlier..forgot to call me to let me know.. got home, there she was and her first words to me were: "I am sorry Mami...." (about the conflict the night before)
Answer to prayer # 1


Hostile situation # 2  went to see my father... prayed on the way to have a quiet and gentle spirit and stay under the protection of my Father in Heaven... discussion turned out well... God is meeting my needs...
Answer to prayer # 2


Next situation, not hostile, but potentially disappointing...
worked wonderfully, even had an amazing chance to share the gospel resulting in this person very close to me asking me to read to him from the bible...
Huge answer to prayer # 3


You can be sure that I am going to praise my Lord for all He has done for me today... I am loving Him more now than I did earlier...why? because He first loved me..why? because He showers me with His favor... why? because He has never let me down... even when situations didn't turn out as well as the ones today....why? because sometimes He gives us exactly what we are asking for... How cool is that?


This morning... my most amazing pastor read to us from Psalm 91.. using it to explain what it meant to stay under the umbrella of God's protection by submitting to Him and those He put in authority over us... that's what happened today.. that's what is happening every day of my life, no matter the circumstances...



He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
       will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
  I will say  of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
       my God, in whom I trust."
  Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
       and from the deadly pestilence.
  He will cover you with his feathers,
       and under his wings you will find refuge;
       his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
  You will not fear the terror of night,
       nor the arrow that flies by day,
  nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
       nor the plague that destroys at midday.
  A thousand may fall at your side,
       ten thousand at your right hand,
       but it will not come near you.
  You will only observe with your eyes
       and see the punishment of the wicked.
  If you make the Most High your dwelling—
       even the LORD, who is my refuge-
  then no harm will befall you,
       no disaster will come near your tent.
  For he will command his angels concerning you
       to guard you in all your ways;
  they will lift you up in their hands,
       so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
  You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
       you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
  "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
       I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
  He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
       I will be with him in trouble,
       I will deliver him and honor him.
  With long life will I satisfy him
       and show him my salvation."


Thank You Lord...

... submitting... I am loving it!!

Went to church this morning all by my lonesome.. was a little subdued... huge conflict last night with my youngest... I am a little scared how her teenage years will work out... not off to a very good start... the "Ex" traveling to NYC... that was "our" place.. can't even count anymore how often we have been there together in the last 18 years.. not too sad, just another realization of loss...

So anyways... church.... so many amazing friends there... many hugs and loving words.. met someone who I couldn't wait meeting.. didn't expect her to be at church.. cool..

Worship.... drawing close.. makes me smile... a smile born from a never ending fountain of joy... His love.

Then, the great Pastor.... best used vessel of God in all eternity... (I just LOVE my pastor...) preaching.. on 1 Peter 2:13-3:7.... some of this has been the passage in JOG this week for me as well..

Anyways, you know you are not in step with the world when a sermon preached on submission makes you giddy with joy and happiness... I guess this is the truth.. I am not of this world,  I am a stranger, but chosen by God, my citizenship is in heaven.. the sanctifying work of the Spirit in me has made that clear to me a long time ago: Submission to God and to your husband is a wonderful gift from Him who cares more and knows us better than even we do ourselves ( after all, He is the manufacturer!!!!!!!!) 

Staying under the umbrella of His protection is the safest and most rewarding place anyone could ever be in. I guess, even though I never had that warm and cozy and safe feeling in the arms of my earthly father I definitely know it and feel it physically from my Heavenly Father. I am blessed beyond anything that He would even have this for us... following Him closely, drawing close, obeying and trusting... really, even in the bleakest moments of the last year, this has been a love drenched place... this is where the smile comes from...

cleaned my house when I came home and then sat outside on my deck, the warm autumn sun shining on me and my puppies as I was sharing my rice cakes with them... and I just couldn't help but worshipping Him again... His love is warm, it wraps itself around me.. I can take this love wherever I go... so it will come with me today... when I have to face a few hostile situations.. Praise God

... family pictures...

... tomorrow we are going to have our family pictures taken... outside somewhere hoping the weather will be nice and.... the puppies can come along... how amazing is that?

We will have fun and I am sure our great photographer is going to take some cool shots...
It will also be another "first", another sad reminder... over the years we have had family pictures taken every other year, this will be the first one without the husband and father in the picture....we always picked the nicest one and had it enlarged and framed...when we moved I realized that really, these pictures will never be hung anywhere ever again.. all our family pictures...  there is one done for the directory of the church I used to go to many years ago... our youngest was just 6 weeks old... school family pictures, more church directory ones... nice ones on a cruise... and then the "normal" ones... all to be kept in the basement, no longer fit to be hung up.. I asked the kids if they wanted some of the smaller ones in their rooms and they declined... what a waste... strange how as soon as a family is broken apart no one will want to look at those pictures again..
it still blows me away how many layers there are...
with those pictures I will get the Christmas cards done, and once again, a first... no Dad on the Christmas card...
it seems nothing is forever ...but then again... one thing is...the 4 of us are in another family picture which is never going to change...our names have been engraved on the palm of the hand of God the Father...He will never leave us or forsake us, He will not walk out of the family pictures... this family picture is eternal...it is reliable.... we can build our future on it, place our hope in it..
We are sisters of Christ now and forever more. This family is not build on shifting sand but on the solid foundation of the Rock, our Lord Jesus Christ..He has made us His own and His love for us will never allow Him to just walk away... the comfort that we can find in that fact is PRICELESS...

.... excited.........

... great night tonite..  a fundraiser for the Pregnancy Center in Cambridge...Matt Day...funny guy, with an amazing voice and gifted hands ( a piano player..)  Clean Christian fun... haven't laughed this hard in a while....

Best of all, I got to go for dinner with 2 great friends..and on the way home, I got to share with them my excitement about how God is working in my life.. Explained to them what a Pregnancy Care Center offers for women that find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. From Pregnancy tests, Options counseling, one on one mentoring for expectant mothers, young mom's groups, post abortion counseling, adoption counseling, to free baby and maternity clothing, toys, strollers and so on....
I told them about the way God has been confirming that I am meant to be opening a center somewhere in the area in the last 4 weeks.. how He has provided a partner in this for me and between her connections and expertise and my counseling background and all that I am learning at the center in Cambridge God has provided a big chunk of what is needed to get this going. I am going to work on a presentation for the elders for their next meeting the beginning of November. God willing we will be able to start preparing for opening the Center next year after that.
Looking back, it is rather easy to see how God has been orchestrating the events in my life since I was saved 16 years ago. Really, how He has been watching over me, allowing the hard stuff all along to bring me to this place where my passion and my abilities ( because He has equipped me ) come together to finally lead me to the place where I need to be.. I am prepared.. I am willing...I am more available than ever before... Amazing, only He could have put it together like this..
Matt Day shared a scripture today that I love very much, it is  in Ephesians 2:10 :
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I love it!!!!

.... He keeps them safe....

... last night, I had just gotten to the DivorceCare meeting with my friend, I got a text from my daughter that she and her roommates were at the hospital for carbon monoxide poisoning.... the water heater had leaked gas.. the girls had unplugged the fire alarm a few days ago because it kept going off, they had cooked and thought it was because of that... everyone went home for Thanksgiving, they had called the Landlord and told him about what they thought to be a faulty fire alarm or something...
they came back Tuesday and never noticed anything. they slept in their apartment... went to school feeling nauseous and having a headache..she was sick so she thought it was another symptom.. only to come back from school and find the fire department at their house... another alarm had gone off in the building...no one told them to get themselves checked out but my very concerned and very capable daughter called Telehealth...they told them to go to the hospital, that feeling faint and nauseous were symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning...  the dr kept them on the oxygen for 5 hours before sending them home and advising them not to sleep at their apartment .... when thinking about this thankfulness wells up in my heart... they all would have died had they slept another night in this... I would have lost my precious child... I cannot imagine the loss.... I trust Him for them all and He proved Himself faithful once again... interestingly all the heartache of the last week grows strangely dim... all not that important when considering what could have happened..
Lord I thank you that you are looking out for my children... that you are in control, you are Lord over life and death..you have my beloved children in the palm of your hand... you are all they will ever need.. Thank you for sparing us all the deep, deep loss... thank you for putting things into perspective...
How blessed we are to be called your own... Let us never forget this... thank you for my children, for the joy they are to me.. please continue to keep them safe...AMEN

... uncontainable love.....

...Find rest my soul in Christ alone, know His power in quietness and trust...when the oceans rise and thunders roar I will soar with you above the storm... Father you are King over the flood... I will be still and know you are God......

What an inspiring song from Hillsong.... speaking to my soul and lifting me up, pointing me to the source of all my comfort and hope... I was blind, but now I see, I was lost but now I am found..

How sad to think there are so many that do not know you Lord... do not know that comfort, too proud to realize they need you... blind and not able to see you in your goodness.. Lord, you are calling us to go out and spread the Good News... how can we not like Isaiah say : Here I am, send me... Hearts filled with thankfulness and eternal love, following you wherever that will be....

My heart breaks for the people around me, that just won't give you the time of day, stubbornly holding fast to their own futile plans and efforts, fooling themselves... Lord, open their eyes to who You are, to their need for a Saviour... Lord that they might be confronted with their sin and realize how lost they are without Your sacrifice.. May they come to love you with all their heart and may they experience this sweet fellowship with You...

To know you is to be blessed beyond anything we could ever imagine... such love, not able to contain it,  it breaks forth from my heart in smiles and words of love and encouragement for your children., in acts of kindness and caring.... what a privilege to be a vessel for your love....

Praise You today, tomorrow and forevermore

...Thanksgiving....

Thanksgiving... a reminder to be thankful... choosing to be thankful in all circumstances.. understanding how blessed I am.. the God of all Creation thought of me before the beginning of time.
no one can top that one... I am His, for eternity... I am never alone, even if everyone around me deserts me.. He has all I need for me...  He blesses me beyond belief..
I am thankful for my children, they are healthy and wonderful ( no surprise there, after all, they are MY kids, how could they turn out any different .. just kidding ;)
I am thankful for my parents, they are where they are by no fault of their own and they brought me up and loved me as good as they could and... I do love them...
I am thankful for my friends... since becoming Christ's own He has allowed me to love and be loved by so many of His children... this blows me away every day..
I am thankful for the joys in my life... when I am able to share His love with others..
when I see His creation and His attention to detail takes my breath away..
when He touches my heart through someone... when my cute little puppies that are so soft and loving snuggle up to me... when my "adopted" daughters , and I have many... my friends keep them coming... run up to me and hug me... now that is amazing...
when I get a glimpse of what God has  in store for my life.. how I will serve Him in new places and capacities... mind boggling!!!
when He draws near to me as I am drawing near to Him...... and it goes on and on..
through the harder times in my life, present struggles included, I have sometimes lost sight of all the good that is going on... when stunned by hurt and rejection sometimes I think our senses get out of whack and we have a difficult time focusing on the good...
thankfully God will never leave us in this place.... still learning from Him how as the tears are streaming down my face because of all the sadness, my heart can overflow with thanksgiving to Him... now that IS mind boggling...
trusting and worshipping Him with all that I have.... Beauty in the turmoil.... Jesus manifested in my own experience... when He, focused on the joy laid before Him gave His life a ransom for many....
Thank You Lord... there are no words and there is nothing I could do to ever communicate to You how thankful I am...

.... on tour? for the Lord...

...community... it's all about community... I am saved for a reason, not to live as a Christian in solitude, but to live my faith in community... some very kind friend pointed out how I have been spending time with God and sharing it here rather than just journaling for myself.. and that's true.
God made me an open book and even before I started writing this blog He had me share more openly than maybe others what He was doing on my life.
I love Him and I think about Him pretty much all the time  I also "live"my faith constantly, that's what some people have called fanatic, but then again, how can it not all be about Him.. after all He is the source of all life and therefore also the reason we are here at all. How can we not want to know Him more and strive to please Him.
There is mindless wasting time staring into a computer screen and there is living out our faith in a
" modern" way....
Hmmmmmm....all I want  is for Him to use me and for more to get how wonderful He is.

He is the Most High, the King of Kings, the Creator of the Universe, the Mighty and Sovereign God..He also is the Father of the Fatherless,  Redeemer of my soul... He is the One who humbled Himself to come to this earth, live a sinless life and give himself as a sacrifice for the sins we are prone to commit on a regular basis... He is the One that has compassion on us, loves us with an everlasting love... He came so that we could we be reconciled to God the Father and that we would know Him in His suffering and by that draw closer and closer to Him.
 It pleases Him to see us striving to know Him more...the moments of stillness in His presence are PRICELESS...nothing, even the best moments in your life can ever prepare you for the peace and delight that sweeps over you when being in the presence of the Saviour and Lover of your Soul....

He has given us the Counsellor, the Holy Spirit and He in  us is perfecting and guiding us. He is growing His fruit and we can feel Him nudging us...that's what I felt yesterday in church.. He was the one saying to me, do not spend that much time on the computer for the wrong reasons... if my focus is on   me, then my motivation is not what it should  be... if my focus is bringing honor to Him by being authentic and using my" make-up" which is that I have no trouble sharing ... than there is nothing wrong with that.
I trust Him to give me the self control I need, I trust Him to use me, I trust Him to be in total control of my time and how I use it...I am allowing Him that total control... so, I guess He has me up in the middle of the night, He is speaking through me to you, as He is revealing Himself to me.

speaking to this very dear friend of mine today... I had this vision...I guess I am not just here to minister in one place.. I think He has freed me up now to prepare for what He has for me in a few years... what comes to mind is far bigger than what I have been thinking until now.... I will just leave you with a picture.... I believe I got it from God... we will see... He definitely took my eyes off myself, where they needed to be for a bit again, and put them on Himself and how I will serve Him in the future... this is the picture.....  :)

Forever Yours by Michael W Smith...

... I'll be forever yours....

...I really want to be positive... others have heard me saying I have a very good Ex husband... considering the circumstances this is the best girlfriend he could have... we are better friends now..our daughters spend more one on one time with him  now than before....less stress in the home...freedom might even taste good for a moment..but then... then it comes back to one thing... He promised... He did. And he didn't keep that promise.. And the little girl in me that believes in people and promises just can't get over that...


My bestest ever Artist in the whole entire Universe  :) ... Michael W. Smith... just came out with a new Album... so many most amazing songs on there...two are especially wonderful... wonderful and yet sooo painful right now. Anyone who knows me knows that even as a child I would listen to songs that made me sad over and over again, crying my eyes out and I guess processing my sadness... so, I am doing it again....those are the songs he wrote for his wife Debbie... you know, that's what I like about him as well, what an amazing Christian man and husband and father he is...


But anyways.. over the last week, when life has been especially tough again, and my Ex-husband once more has proven to me that he very much was worth me wanting to stick to it, stay with him and do everything in my power to make things work out...that he is a man that was worth me promising to love forever...he has been the one this week picking up the pieces for me ... how crazy is this...


My friends know that I have accepted what is going on, I am not trying to get back together, I don't think there is a possibility for that, on both sides... but the girl with the broken heart, the one that is still very sad that the promises that were made were broken.. that one, is having a hard time... and chooses, rather than trying to focus on other more encouraging things, to work through the pain, accept it and go with it... and Michael, I can count on him to have a song that speaks to me.. he has this one...


I'm swept away in this moment,
I hear your heartbeat next to mine,
My hands are trembling
it's overwhelming,
a whisper breaks through the silence,
a vow to test the breadth of time,
"Until forever, I'll be forever yours"
Not just tonight, 
I'm by your side,
 for all your life,
till death comes between us,
 and the heavens steal you away,
I'll stay yours forever,
don't you worry, don't be afraid.
The heart can shift like a shadow,
the deepest passions start to wane,
stay ever tender,
 never surrender..
Come waltz with me through the twilight,
and we will dance as seasons pass,
we'll move together,
I'll be forever yours.
So hold me tight, say you'll be mine,
for all your life...
till death comes between us,
 and the heavens steal you away,
I'll stay yours forever,
don't you worry, don't be afraid.
Come what may.. 
So all we have is this moment,
 but moments come and go so fast..
Until forever,
I'll be forever yours
there is no other,
I am forever yours.....


Told my girls that that's why the Lord has all these rules... don't be unequally yoked, no sex before marriage.... so that they won't find themselves committed to someone who is not committed to them....but rather find the man God has for them...


Maybe I will find this one day too???

....do not worry....

... okay, so today I was catching myself worrying about how I will be able to afford the house I bought...things are not working out the way I thought they could or should....now that in itself is hard because it has so many layers of unfairness and disappointment.. it's difficult to even sort through...

.....but all these things put aside, I am at a place where I have to prove if I mean what I say, walk the talk, put my trust in God, or not....

So as I realized that I was worrying about it, I stopped and prayed right there...I used to say to whoever wanted to hear it that if I could choose I would prefer love and peace in my small little shack over the tension and coldness we had in our "mansion".. what are beautiful things compared to love, peace and acceptance...

Well... I guess the choice was made for me... someone left, the tension and constant criticism decreased, other hurt and pain was added because of the breaking apart of a family, and the mansion had to be vacated...

There is more peace in the daily life... the new house is going to be smaller and less "fancy"....my need for security that I am fully aware of for the first time in my life is not being met...  so this is now where the rubber hits the road... do I trust Him for my financial security or not...

He has proven Himself to me in so may ways, how could I not trust Him now.. I have put my trust in Him and chosen not to fight about all these issues when settling this part of the separation agreement... trusting that there is something He has for us, me and my girls, and I believe this with all my heart. Somehow I thought things would be a little different still, but, no matter what he is the One that will give me and all of us all we will ever need.

Hebrews 13:5+6 says this:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 

"Never will I leave you; 

 never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, 

 "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid." 

 1 Timothy: 7+8 says:

For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 

And lastly Matthew 6:25-27

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life....

So there, no surprises here, the Word has the answer...I am blessed, my Ex-husband is taking good care of our financial needs for now... the "security" that I would have found had my plan worked out is so much better safely held in my Father's hand... He will provide, Jehovah Jirah..... after all that's who He is...

I love how He grows me, there is so much I still need to surrender.. I am amazed at how gentle He is exposing one area at a time... His love blows me away, once again...

Oh, how He loves you and me... We Praise You Lord...

... just keep on reaching....

... have you ever felt like you want to just run away and hide from all the horrible stuff you are dealing with? I hate how the dysfunction that surrounds me pulls me down... can I just shake the dust off my sandals and leave?
Medicating is a new word I am hearing... it's when someone dealing with trauma and grief just wants to numb himself... thanks to God the only " addiction" I have is to "Kinder Bueno"....not good for my tummy but not mind altering...I thank God for making me stronger than that, stronger than having to flood my brain with alcohol or drugs, stronger than having to throw myself into a new relationship for some illusion of security... I am thankful that He is REAL to me, more meaningful than any disappointment inflicted by lost and fallen people, people that even though they should have my best interest in mind can only see themselves ( and no, I am not talking about my EX-husband)...I am just so very very thankful that 16 years ago after praying to God for 6 months and begging Him to reveal Himself to me He did....and now I have the mind, strength, power, peace and joy of Christ in me... never to disappoint me ever... Wow...
Okay, so now I already don't want to run away anymore... I marvel at His love and grace... I love Him for who He is... the fog is lifting once again, not the first time in the last few days... I can see Him clearly... the smile He has in His face... actually His eyes are smiling with a love that we can never ever see here on earth.. and it makes me smile, smile through the tears... smile back at Him...
and I keep on reaching... when my destiny is out there in the distance...but the road ahead is a mine field in disguise.. and you keep on moving... you will make it through this... just give it time, you gotta give it time..This is what you're made for, standing in the Downpour, knowing that the sun will shine, forget what lies behind you, heaven walks beside you... YOU GOT TO GIVE IT ONE MORE TRY....
( Michael W. Smith.. One more try  / Wonder )

...Thanksgiving...

Thank You for a beautiful, sunny, fall morning..
Thank you for a wonderful time of chatting with me, Daddy
Thank you for receiving my burdens and taking care of them for me
Thank You that I can trust You for the impossible
Thank You that Your plans for my life are to prosper me and not to harm me
Thank You that you will complete the work You started in me.
Thank You that You are sovereign
Thank You for revealing Yourself to me so amazingly


Thank You for walking with me and carrying me
Thank You for a day that is going to be spent serving You
Thank You for a 4  day weekend coming up!!!!!
Thank You for time to be spent with all my girls
Thank You for a " I love doing bathrooms" when telling my youngest tomorrow we will clean the house...
Thank You for loving me and my daughters ..
Thank You for the abundant life You have for us....
Thank You for caring and being faithful...
 I shall forever praise Your Holy name.... serve and love You with all my heart, soul and mind..
You are amazing...

Amen

...Divorce is final...

... so, on Monday, the day the offer for the new house became official... that Monday, the judge signed the Divorce papers and I got them in the mail today....

Grief, the process one has to go through after a loss... learned about it at the Post Abortion Counseling Seminar, at DivorceCare, at the Women's Retreat and at the Adoption Advocate training I am doing.... have been learning about it  personally for the last year and a bit.... the finality of it, the loss, since December 18 last year....

I have screamed, I have been in shock, I have been angry , I have been sad and depressed... I have forgiven and accepted, I have gotten new hope... and so shouldn't I be happy it is finally official, and, as the "goody two shoes Christian girl" I have been trying to be, I now am allowed to enter into a relationship if it so happened that this amazingly on fire for God, good looking, fun and serious at the same time, cool and computer savvy guy, who LOVES children and doggies...just walked up to me and wanted to take me out on a date..... how come all I am feeling is this profound sadness.....

I learned that the healing from the losses you experience does not go on a nicely uphill path... that there are ups and downs, and again, personally have been there.. just the last few days have been especially trying... with hashing it all through again with my mother, hearing what my cousin has been saying, how she rationalizes what she has done to me...with the kids celebrating Thanksgiving with their Dad and his girlfriend and them struggling emotionally with this too.......so really, this is to be expected and it is needed...

God is still who He is and He still loves me, I lost my husband, I lost his affection, his love, his commitment, his protection, my security, our future, our hopes and dreams, his support and help in every day things, I do not "belong" to anyone anymore and I am very hurt and LONELY, but I have not lost the one who will never leave me or forsake me...

All these feelings are highlighted today...I am processing as I am writing this, I need to. I know that my faithful Daddy is holding me tight and giving me all that I need, while He stays with me in the turmoil of this wave... until it all calms down again and He will put me on my feet and we will walk together again... oh what a friend I have in Jesus... what would I do without Him?

... forgiveness extended...

Forgive us our debts, 
      as we also have forgiven our debtors. 
 And lead us not into temptation, 
   but deliver us from the evil one. 
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. 
(Matthew 6:12-15)


it's pretty straight forward.... no ifs or buts... Jesus is clear in His teachings about forgiveness.. 


why is it we are having such a hard time??


when a sin has been committed against us we are longing for justice... everything inside us cries out for it to be dealt with swiftly.. Now, have you ever thought about why the Lord is so adamant about us forgiving, even those who have not asked for it, even those that continue to sin against us ( 7 times 7 )... 


Revenge is mine says the Lord.... wonder why He says that? Because He is the only one who can be just, since He is the only one who is holy and without sin... how just could we really be when someone has hurt or humiliated us or someone we love?


right... that's why... also, forgiveness is a choice, it does not mean that we excuse the sin, it does not mean we say it is okay, it does not mean that we necessarily have to reconcile, that depends totally on the circumstances... wisdom is sometimes telling us to stay away for good..


forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice. It is also an issue of obedience between us and God... when we forgive we accept to live with the consequences of the other persons sin and say that we will never bring it up again...


humanly this is not possible... with Christ like everything else He asks us to do, it is possible.. it actually will allow the healing, the feelings to come... the chain that has kept us connected to the one who sinned against us is broken when we forgive and we are now free to move on.


forgiveness is something  I didn't deserve when Christ chose to take the punishment for my sins and to die on the cross for me.. as He so willingly paid for my sins so that I could be forgiven, how can I not in turn forgive the one who has sinned against  me. 


today I acted upon the forgiveness I had granted to someone very close to me... I took it a step further by trying to reconcile.. by that I have exposed myself to the possibility to be hurt again.... but even this is something I can do through Christ who is my protector and healer... if there will be another blow from this person I will do what I have done many times, I will accept the pain that is inflicted and forgive.... I will need to take time to heal... I will need to draw closer to my Lord and I will love Him more...I will appreciate Him more and will depend on Him more... I know that because that is the way it has been working out for me for the past 16 years....


following Him with all my heart, soul and mind is not an easy road, but it leads me into the embrace of my Saviour every time and that is and will always be the best place for me to be...