outwardly wasting away...

so it's official.. not only do I need prescription reading glasses ( stigmatism's in both eyes ) but also glasses for distance... REALLY?
craziness. this whole aging thing , when did it start???

seems like in this culture we have forgotten how to age with dignity... botox, plastic surgery, derma abrasion, anti wrinkle creams and hair implants... :S seriously?

in a world where youth stands for fun and adventure and strength, where it is all about running after   whatever makes you happy, aging is a sure sign that this life is one day going to come to an end and it must be fought with all that we have in us..

there is nothing wrong with eating healthy and exercising.. after all, God gave us our bodies and we are to treat them well. Our body is His temple and we have to take good care of it.. but..

what happens when we do not age well? we still age... we cannot hide it forever and rather than embracing this phase in our life and bless those around us with our wisdom and experience, we become a sad shell of the person we could be for the generation coming after us...

as children of God we know that after this, we are going to spend eternity with Him.. this is what His Word tells us:


Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.... ( 2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

aging well: realizing your limitations and joyfully blessing those around us.. investing in your children and grandchildren, leaving behind a legacy of otherness and humility...
that's my plan and by His Grace I think I will be able to do this, glasses and all... :)

.. For all my single friends!!! A MUST READ!!!!

up again...( it bothers me) ..in the middle of the night...
but this is what I found hidden in my "documents" .. for all the single people I know:


Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, "No, not until you're satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.”

"I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me-exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or belongings.”

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait.”

"Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I have to show you."

“And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is perfect love.”

"And Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know I love you. I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied."

Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

And Psalms 37:4-5 Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

without knowing I had this in my "archives" this is exactly what He has taught me...
I am expecting great and marvellous things..  :)

..our days are like fleeting shadows..

up early this morning, I think it was 4 am... ended up responding to an email and listening to some songs on YouTube... I know, crazy..

this was the fav one from this morning:

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

 You know when I sit and when I rise; 

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways. 

 Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely. 

 You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

    too lofty for me to attain.

 Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 even there your hand will guide me, 

    your right hand will hold me fast.

 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

 For you created my inmost being; 

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful, 

    I know that full well.

 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! 

    How vast is the sum of them!

 Were I to count them, 

    they would outnumber the grains of sand —

    when I awake, I am still with you.

 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! 

    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! 

 They speak of you with evil intent;

    your adversaries misuse your name. 

 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;

    I count them my enemies. 

 Search me, God, and know my heart; 

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 See if there is any offensive way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting.

since this morning I have found out about 2 people, a child and an adult who have been diagnosed with cancer just now.. my daughter was near the shooting on Saturday, on this day about 400 babies will be aborted.. and so it goes on..

O Lord, what is man that you care for him,

    the son of man that you think of him?

 Man is like a breath; 

    his days are like a fleeting shadow.

each day is a gift from the Lord.. let us use it wisely.. trusting Him and resting in Him.. serving Him and worshipping Him.... May the peace of the Lord be with all that love Him today!!!

... I can't resist your tenderness....

sharing from my heart with a special friend yesterday, she encouraged me by saying what she loves about me so much is  how my love for Jesus is so evident in my life..

made me think of this song, and how it sums up who I am...

explains why I so want to obey Him, explains why I can trust Him,

 explains why, because I love Him so much and spending time with Him

I know how much He loves me...

this song sung  by Michael W Smith at a concert in Hamilton, May 2009 was when God gave me this vision of Himself... I had never heard the song before..

I saw my loving Father stooping down to pick the broken pieces of me up from the floor, cradling me in His arms, He said to me : I know what you are going through.. I care .....

oh, how precious have been the moments of total surrender, limp and shattered in His arms, held closely by the Creator of the Universe.. hearing His heartbeat..

that moment at that concert was just one of the times the Lord revealed His love for me in such tangible ways...

and you know what? I believe Him now, because I cannot resist His tenderness, it is real!!!

I know, that all He has and allows in my life is for my very best... 

Sitting at your feet is where I wanna be

I'm home when I am here with you

Ruined by your grace enamored by your gaze

I can't resist the tenderness in you

I'm deep in love with you Abba Father

I'm deep in love with you Lord

My heart it beats for you precious Jesus

I'm deep in love with you Lord

Humbled and amazed that you would call my name

I never have to search again

There's a deep desire that's burning like a fire

To know you as my closest friend

I'm deep in love with you Abba Father

I'm deep in love with you Lord

My heart it beats for you precious Jesus

I'm deep in love with you Lord

my heart is full of love for and from Jesus... it spills over... it can't be contained.. it is truly AMAZING!!!!

..choosing joy in the brokenness...

Solo, Duet and Trio Show  "The Night of the Stars" last night..
rejoicing that my youngest is still part of this.. this time last year a mass had been found in her kidney and I remember wondering what the future would hold for her..
God was merciful and the CT scan came back clear 2 weeks later..
thankful last night that God in His mercy had spared my oldest from getting hurt by a shooter in the Mall the night before, I was finding myself sitting right next to my Ex-husband and his wife...
dealing with this my soul just chose to praise God.. prayers forming in my mind, not because I wanted to but because my Spirit has learned to praise Him and thank Him at all times and especially when my heart feels vulnerable, assaulted by the brokenness of this world..
this is what is TRUE for all who love the Lord:

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

     my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

    beholding your power and glory.

 Because your steadfast love is better than life,

    my lips will praise you.

 So I will bless you as long as I live;

    in your name I will lift up my hands.

 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

    and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

 when I remember you upon my bed,

    and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

 for you have been my help,

    and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

 My soul clings to you;

    your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63:1-8

( thanks to Pete Wilson @Cross Point Church, Nashville,TN for tweeting a verse from this Psalm this morning )

praising Him and thanking Him and telling Him how much I love Him focuses my heart and mind and soul on what is important.. His steadfast love is better than life... He satisfies my soul.. He keeps me safe in the shadow of His wings and His right hand upholds me no matter what!

#SoliDeoGloria

.. escaping the shooter at the Eaton Center... God has a plan!

.. a little baby.. loved from the moment of conception ( okay... once the Pregnancy test came back POSITIVE ) nurtured, cheered on, guided, prayed over, prayed for, loved and disciplined, as near to one's heart as can be...

one day you celebrate her 24th Birthday, and the next evening she is steps away from a crazy maniac shooting at people in a Shopping Mall...

O Lord, what is man that you regard him,

    or the son of man that you think of him?

 Man is like a breath;

    his days are like a passing shadow. (Psalm 144:3+4)

had a conversation with her the night before about life, inspired by a young man's testimony at church last week.. stating he had wonderful wife, 3 amazing children and a house and realized he was not going to spend the rest of their lives coasting and accumulating more things.. but rather wanted to live for the Lord and serve Him..

and there she was, 24 hours later confronted with how fragile life on earth is...

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

  “O death, where is your victory?

    O death, where is your sting?”

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

  Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. ( 1 Cor 15: 55-58)

as always, this amazing God of ours has already spoken to this, His Word, no surprise, has already addressed this... it is a no brainer... we are here to SERVE and bring GLORY to God..

 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal,   but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

 ( Matthew 6:19-21)

Thanking God today for sparing my Louisa and her friend..  Praying that she will fix her eyes on Jesus... He alone is what it is all about!

.. created for His purpose!!!!...

a beautiful day today... a little breeze, not hot but warm.. perfect..

saw a client this morning that warms my heart.. so proud of her.. 

noticed something on my blog... (you know that I can see from where and with what kind of browser and operating system you are accessing my blog? ... :) what the traffic source is and the Search Keywords?.. big "brother is watching you" :P )
anyways.. made me google my name and see what shows up now... and there it was.. the birth and death record of a Miriam Rehfeldt... born Jan 1, 1903 in Ann Arbor, Michigan.... died there in  September 1966...
now... if my name was Anne Smith, or Mary Brown... I wouldn't be surprised that there are oodles with the same name..
but Miriam Rehfeldt... really?  so it is amazing that there has been one, and she lived in Michigan.. find it very intriguing and maybe it is not... but I thought so..

to think that God had me Miriam, born in Germany, come to Canada, marry a "Rehfeldt" and live in Ontario... and that 2 years after I was born this other Miriam Rehfeldt passed away.. after living for 63 years...  I want to know.. was she a believer? was she married, did she have children?

is there any significance to me finding this out? or is it just an interesting fact?
well, I know that my God will make this clear.. someway or another, He is like that.. one reason I love Him so much.. He cares so much about every detail of our lives..

this is what the Lord said to Jeremiah:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” ( Jeremiah 1 :5)

before He formed Miriam Rehfeldt from Ann Arbor Michigan in the womb of her mother, He knew her, He had a purpose for her life... before I, Miriam Rehfeldt from Wittendorf, Germany was formed in the womb of my mother, He knew me, He knew the number of hairs on my head, he knitted me together and He prepared the things He had for me to do.. He knew how He would use me, what purpose He would give me ....

He has many ways to make me feel loved... this definitely is a big one..
Bless His Holy Name, oh my soul, I shall forever serve Him!
Maybe I will meet the other Miriam Rehfeldt in Heaven one day... now wouldn't that just be cool ;)

..crowned with steadfast love and mercy... no matter the stings of reality

she will have no fear of bad news

her heart is steadfast

trusting in the Lord

her heart is secure

she will have no fear

in the end she will look in triumph

over her  foes

Psalm 112 7-8

from being a fearful little girl to being a woman like described in these verses... Hallelujah.. Only the God of the Universe, the Mighty God, the Father who sent His Son to redeem those He had chosen before the beginning of the world, only He could have brought about this kind of a transformation..

TRUST.... when things get tough, when your worst nightmare becomes reality... it is then we need by faith focus on where God will bring us, trusting in His Goodness, rather than just imagining ( and experiencing) all the bad we can by His strength look to where this faithful Father we have in Heaven will have us on the "flip side"... when we come out of the valley of death...

it is He

who redeems me from the pit

who crowns me with steadfast love and mercy

who satisfies me with good

so that my youth is renewed like the eagle's

tomorrow my first little baby, my beloved Louisa will turn 24... I will not see her on her birthday.. this is the first time in 24 years..  realizing she is a grown woman and work is what takes her too far to go and visit her, and accepting that, I am still saddened that if my marriage was still intact I would be with her tomorrow... instead she will be with the one who walked away and his new wife...

realities like that will always be and have been those stings, those consequences that remain to bring pain even though I have arrived on the "flip side" months ago..

but my Lord

shows compassion to those who revere and follow Him...

He, who makes me smile.. He who warms my heart and because:

for as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His steadfast love toward

those that obey Him and surrender their lives to Him

His steadfast love is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him

and His righteousness to my children's children

Psalm 103

... it's all good... because God is GOOOD all the time!! Praise His Holy Name, oh my soul!!!

.. no more sorrow or pain in heaven....

today, when we finally finished our study of the book "So long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend" we talked long about how when we trust God, not Him answering our prayers and preventing all we are afraid of,  but trust in Him, we really are able to leave our fears and insecurities behind..
talking about the trials we face, we remembered a Sermon series by James Mc Donald we had watched almost 2 years ago, where he points out that as children of God, He, God, is so committed to refine us and make us better that if there isn't a trial around the next corner ( and they don't always have to be big ) we might have to question if we are really God's children..
shared in my Small Group tonite that I have never have felt that great, at peace and full of joy than I have  for the last little while...
in bed an hour later my daughter calls "Mama" in this terrified tone of voice that I do not hear very often from her...

turns out she saw on my sister's status on fb that my mother's little doggie, Bello, a Jack Russel had died yesterday...
have to admit that this has sent my heart into a tailspin... real sorrow and pain for what my mother must be going through right now... this little puppy dog has been her one consistent delight for  the last 17 years..
when waking up from her coma last year her first few words were.. "no wonder I almost died, I didn't want to live anymore because Bello was dead"...
we were able to bring him to her then and she was so relieved to find out that this was just one of the drug induced nightmares she had while in the coma...
so now it has finally happened... little Bello has passed away...
I am not sure how she will be dealing with this.. so sad once again that there is such a distance between us.. good news is that my parents are going to come here on Friday...
he was "just" a dog... but when this dog is your most loving and permanent companion, you have been his caregiver for 17 years, losing him is not a piece of cake...
I believe strongly that all dogs go to heaven and that we will one day see him again.. maybe God is going to use this loss in the life of my mother to open her eyes to her need to be sure of her own destination when the day comes..
rejoicing that because of the death and resurrection of Christ, my Saviour I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be in heaven one day.. no more tears and no more Good byes.. no more losses and no more pain... looking forward to it...

May 17,2012.. my 3rd "not anymore Wedding Anniversary"

today is May 17... it is my mother's Birthday, she is turning 72 today.
today is May 17.. it used to be my Wedding Anniversary... now it has become my "not anymore Wedding Anniversary" and it is happening for the third time today..

2 years ago this was a very, very sad day, today it still is a sad day for the fact that something that had been joined together by God and was not supposed to be broken by us does no longer exist..


today, one day short of the 2 year 5 months anniversary of my husband walking away from his promise and commitment I am taking a moment to look back and evaluate..

the consequences of his sin are clearer today than they have been before. the consequences it has brought to my personal life, to my children's lives ...

looking back, what stands out though is, that through it all, Jesus has been there... that I have learned to accept suffering as part of life even more , accepting it to be part of the refining process every follower of Jesus is going through...the Beauty in the Turmoil... I have seen it...

impurities have been brought to the surface in this tremendous fire of walking through indescribable pain, sorrow and loss.. through trust and obedience the Lord was able to remove those impurities and today I am a little bit more like Him..

He has also not wasted a minute of my life but has used every bit of suffering for His glory.. He has made me take my eyes off myself and serve Him like never before..

 driving to work this morning I was praying and thanking Him for bringing me to a place where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy to be loved, worthy to be cherished and valued, worthy to be respected and treated gently.. I am precious in His sight and beautiful...

I am in a place where I can trust in His guidance and wisdom, His timing and His Goodness...
In His time He DOES make all things beautiful....  it is the coming closer to Him that is the Beauty... not the existence / success of a relationship, health, happiness or a life without conflict...
knowing Him and be known by Him.... there is no greater thing...

You keep her in perfect peace

    whose mind is stayed on you,

    because she trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

celebrating Him and bringing Glory to Him is my desire today.

..not according to the Word --> NO LIGHT..

oh how glorious is Your Word , Oh Lord..
there is not a time I read it that I do not get so excited and lifted up. it never fails to clarify things for me..

these are a few verses from this week's passage : For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.  But each in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, then at his coming those who belong to Christ.  Then comes the end, when he delivers the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power. For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet
(1 Corinthian's 15:22-25)

having had some very futile discussions lately about the authority of the Word..  and arguments about if something is not compatible with biblical teaching it is not from God, but from the devil, I was encouraged today to read and think about and marvel at these verses... strong words.. destroying every rule and every authority and power...

to think that there is anything at all in this world that we could be involved in as  Followers of Christ that would be okay to not  be biblical / in accordance with God's revelation to us.. boggles my mind:

When all things are subjected to him, then the Son himself will also be subjected to him who put all things in subjection under him, that God may be all in all. ( 1 Corinthians 15:28)

God wants to be ALL in ALL... makes sense.. He created the world..duh.....

and this one: to the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this [God's] word, it is because there is no light in them" (Isaiah 8:20)... could it be any clearer than this?

becoming a Christian, being born again is receiving the gift of salvation and surrendering to Christ, submitting to His authority, seeking Him in His Word... not in some notion and teachings gleaned from all kinds of other places (  beware: this world is full of false teachings )

 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it  and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.  All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,  that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. ( 2 Timothy 3:14-17)

this is my prayer for those that have been deceived:
that You would put false ways far from them
    and graciously teach them your law, oh Lord ( Psalm 119:29)

.."unclogged" and free...

epic day.. mowed the lawn again and fixed the clogged up kid's bathroom sink.. since moving into this house 18 months ago the water never really drained the way it was supposed to (reeeaaaaalllyyy slowly;)... typical procrastinator I am and not wanting to pay a plumber.. ;) I left it until, a week ago, it happened... no water made it down the drain anymore at all..
asked a friend.. didn't come through for me.. so I looked at the pipes and whatever else is under the sink and was contemplating maybe buying a tool and trying it myself anyways.. started to fiddle with it and got to the root of the problem without having any idea what I was doing... gotta love God for how He can use us and allow us to be successful without having the slightest understanding what it is we are doing..
fact: the drain is clear and the water is running as freely as a little creek in the spring... hahaha
removed some other "stuff" in another area of my life.. it had been clogging me up spiritually lately, and I am so thankful for how God orchestrated all this..
so the Spirit is flowing freely ( like a creek in the spring ) through me again... mind you, He had still been working through me and my ministry anyways.. thankfully..God is just so faithful..
epic day.. amazing.. ( now the kids don't have to brush their teeth in my sink anymore..Hallelujah!!!)

..hanging with my Lord...

... feeling so blessed these days.. so thankful for the presence of my best friend and lover of my soul, He goes with me wherever I go and I can feel the warmth of His embrace all the time..
since being single I have gone from feeling rejected, thrown away and broken into a thousand pieces to feeling whole, loved and cherished like never before..
the amazing thing is that it has nothing to do with my circumstances..
they have not really changed that much..
and as much as I firmly believe that God did create us to be in a marriage relationship, and long to one day meet the man God has for me, I am feeling great... so surprising to me..
since being alone I have met so many different people, just had a few hours communicating with someone who seemed like a gift from the Lord to me for that time.. those few hours of one random evening..
blessing flowing to me in such different ways.. enriching my heart and soul..
embracing the blessings as they come, appreciating them and drinking them in..., know some amazing songs I didn't know before, gleaned some insight into matters that are important to me, oh how marvellous to feel souls resonating... I learned to do that.. just taking every hour for what it is.. and allowing the peace and joy of the Lord to permeate the last little corner of my soul..
never in my life have I felt that complete, loved and secure..
I think this is what it should have felt like all along.. so thankful that He has brought me here..
He is my faithful companion, my Lord and my Saviour, He has carried me through the valley and He just hangs out with me .. delighting over my deep joy and the awe I feel as I am so very close to Him.. filled with His love my cup overflows.. love spilling over..
Oh Jesus.. that you would have saved me when I was hostile and lost... Your grace and mercy overwhelm me and make my soul sing... eternally..
may all I do and say bring glory and honour to you..  #SoliDeoGloria

..I am not my family tree..

social media.. good? or bad? not really that important what each of us thinks, it's just that.. social media..
it is here and it is alive and chances are it will get even more popular.. even though I cannot imagine how we all could spend even more time on it..
read a blog, posted on twitter on Monday, written by a young Christian woman, 25 years old, about her life and priorities and bringing up a child in today's world..
beautiful to get a glimpse into her life, very mature and wise for her age, realizing that Jesus needs to be the centre of our lives ...
thinking of her, and where she comes from.. heard her father share on Saturday how wonderful his parents are, made me feel a few different things..
so blessed to hear that it does actually exist, families that have been Christ followers for generations , healthy and whole.. parents that have loved their children well, the children in turn able to love their own kids the way God meant for it to be..
sadness about the fact that this has not been something that has been true for me..
becoming a follower of Christ when I was 30, choices I had made already were affecting my children's upbringing, trying to work through the dysfunction that had been passed down to me, I know that the chains of the generational sin has been broken and my children, even though others in their lives are not walking with the Lord, are free from the bondage..
knowing that God is sovereign and that He loves me and my daughters, I let go of the sadness and rather am thankful that now they do have the chance to start a legacy of godly upbringing like this young woman "exudes "..
realizing that everyone has struggles in this life, no matter their background, and that Jesus has overcome the world.. I know that through Him I have become a new creation...

I am not my family tree

These are different leaves, you know

There are miles and miles between

My roots and what I’m trying to grow

I am not my past mistakes

Labelled by some place and time

There is mercy in the soil, mercy in the sun

Learning to forgive, what cannot be undone

And what was meant to harm can’t harm you in the end
..I am not my family tree...

this is the truth: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

He makes all things beautiful in His time, Praise God!

..confusion not from God!!!..

used to live in this bubble..  most of my friends were from MY church and some, just a few,  that weren't Christians, as in my family ...
life was pretty straightforward and all seemed pretty clear.. the truth was what I had been learning since becoming a Christian, solid, biblical teaching and my own studies of the Word, the Lord making things clear to me and changing me gently..
in the meantime, because my life fell apart two and a half year ago, I have met some Christians that have different views on some pretty significant things ... have to admit it has thrown me off at times..
thankfully the Holy Spirit keeps making me feel uncomfortable again and again and I am drawn back to the Word..
today Michael Minot, amazing Christian guy tweeted this: " Guard your heart and your mind. These are the places where the enemy wages his warfare"... I had just been spending time in the Word and this was what jumped out to me: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.  ( 1 Cor 14 : 33)
if confusion enters one's mind we can be sure it is not from God.. with God there is peace, wisdom and direction..
needed to be reminded that my fragile and vulnerable heart is easy prey.. cannot let Satan try and use this to bring confusion to my mind..
so here are some reminders for me:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God..He was with God in the beginning.. ( John 1: 1+2 )
and then there is this:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,  so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16+17)

bottom line is this: Truth is Truth and the Word is the Word.. I am choosing to submit to it's authority.. I do not have to question or debate, I don't have to seek for answers it doesn't give, I just have to believe it and trust God..
I love Jesus and He is the Word.. He is the One who was with God in the beginning..
this is how John chapter 1 goes on:
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

I need to leave it there because this is what it says as well:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. ( Isaiah 55:8 )
That's it.

..mountaintop experiences..

mountain top experiences... those are the ones we don't want to end.. very different from the times in the valley.. nobody likes those..
had one of those mountain top experiences on Saturday evening.. driving down to Toronto with a very dear and cherished friend.. waiting in line to get to go inside the church where the long awaited concert was going to be..
meet and greet with Michael W Smith... and what can I say.. he just doesn't disappoint...
the concert... amazing, the music, the atmosphere, the "little sermons".. worshipping my Jesus in such a setting is such a blessing...
would love to do this all the time.. but then, if we stayed up there how would others hear..
 this just reminded me of a song by Amy Grant..

I love to sing and I love to pray

Worship the Lord most everyday

I go to the temple, and I just want to stay

To hide from the hustle of the world and its ways

And I'd love to live on a mountain top

Fellowshipping with the Lord

I'd love to stand on a mountain top

'Cause I love to feel my spirit soar

But I've got to come down from that mountain top

To the people in the valley below

Or they'll never know that they can go

To the mountain of the Lord

Now, praising the Father is a good thing to do

Worship the Trinity in spirit and truth

But if we worshipped all of the time

There would be no one to lead the blind

Now, I am not saying that worship is wrong

But worship is more than just singing a song

It's all that you say, and everything that you do

It's letting His Spirit live through you

so coming down from the mountaintop.. meeting with a client at Hope for Life today.. it's about telling those that do not know, they too can go to the mountain of the Lord.. so thankful I get to share my Jesus with the ones he has sent to us.. so blessed to know Him, so blessed by faithful Christian Artists like Michael W Smith and Amy Grant.. allowing the Lord to minister to others through their music... AMAZING.. His plans ROCK!!!!

.. May 5, 2012... a very special day indeed..

it is 3:11 pm on Saturday May 5, 2012... not a very significant day in the big scheme of things... but... a very significant day for me..
May 16, 2009 was the day I went to my first Michael W Smith concert... I had known MWS before, remember loving 2 CDs of him a very long time ago... but, I have to admit I had not paid a lot of attention to this particular Christian Artist..
May 2009 he came to Hamilton and the Christian School promoted the concert.. I got a bunch of friends together and we went...
that day, hopeless and broken as I was, ( I had found first evidence of my husband cheating the Nov before) God used a song "Deep in love with you" to show me that He knew, and that He cared..
I bought the CD and since then... I have been a huge fan of Michael W Smith (what some very mean people call "groupie"..shocking).. his songs have ministered to my heart and helped me through the last 3 years in a way no one else's songs ever have.. it was like God was speaking directly to me.. giving me strength to make it through some rather difficult circumstances..
the last concert of his I went to was a Benefit concert for the Franklin Theatre in Franklin, TN.. where MWS and so many other amazing Christian Artists live... it was August 6, 2011, the day my Ex-husband got married...
I have been looking forward to this concert today for a very long time.. I mean, 9 months between concerts of my absolutely fav artist is just a little too long ;)
so, after cleaning the house today with my girlies, we needed it to get all sparkly for our Early "Mami Day" Celebrations tomorrow.. I have been getting myself ready..
it is a special day.. Meet and Greet with Michael before the concert.. then hours of worshipping with him and so many other fellow Christians.. I always feel it is like getting a glimpse of heaven..
so maybe I am a groupie ( I do think he is a wonderful godly man, I love his voice, his music and his looks... ) but who cares.. God has used and continues to use him in my life and in the lives of so many others...
it is a very special day indeed <3

... new wife, old wife... :S

... life as a divorced woman..
very interesting.. never a dull moment, that's for sure...
simple, yet profound and significant moments definitely have become a little spicier.. as in, there are ingredients that weren't on the original recipe.. ;)
seems like as a child of God, following His plan for dealing with loss, with His blessing and healing an ongoing thing in my life, I seem to be the one that is able to deal with those moments the best... funny, who would have thought that..
this weekend, I had the pleasure of moving my daughter back into my humble abode.. for a year for sure, I will have 2 of my children living with me.. a delight.. because I do love them with an undying love and devotion.. they are a gift from the Lord and they never fail to bring me joy..
so, moving her stuff this weekend we were:  mother, father, 2 children + one daughter's boyfriend, one new wife of father... ha... potential for awkward moments? probably.. did I experience any? no...
had no problem whatsoever sharing this "simple, yet significant " moment with the woman that replaced me as the wife of the man that was my husband at one point in time.. hmmmm
resentment? none. anger? none. sadness? surprisingly none.. now that is just amazing. I like her. I like him, they care about my kids.. no need for any negative feelings on my part..
would there have been profound sadness, say a year ago? pretty sure... because healing brought by the Lord still takes time.. ( time alone does not heal!!!!!)
was there some tension? yes, but like I said, not originating from me or affecting me.. maybe everyone else felt a little bit awkward, not sure..
these kind of events definitely have a way of highlighting the fact that this is not your regular family unit anymore and that will always be the case..
I am just so thankful that the pain has left me.. the wound has healed.. quite amazing, really.
a great sermon about grieving the "Christian/ God's way" at Winston Churchill Community Church where we attended to witness a dear friend's baptism.. confirmed that I indeed have walked through all the stages of dealing with a loss.. embracing the pain, allowing the tears and the tremendous sadness for as long as it was there, forgiving and continuing to trust God for all I needed, walking closely with Him and loving with His love.. He has been faithful, He has brought about healing and Him and I are closer than ever before..
hoping that those "moments" in the life of my children will continue to become more normal the tension will disappear completely, I thank my Lord for His love and support and for His grace, lived out... He is who He says He is.. Trusting Him with my fragile heart.. 100%!!!!!!!

.. the whimsical world of Pinterest...

so Pinterest... I had seen it creep up on Facebook a while ago... I also noticed just how much some of my friends were using it.. someone invited me and I was determined... to NOT even start.. because, very obviously this was just one more thing to waste your time on....
over the last few years I had kind of lost all my interest in decorating, gardening, never had much interest in cooking anyways, lost my love for photography... my life had been I guess reduced to making it through..
one day at a time and then, as a way of bringing about healing the Lord had allowed me to look beyond myself and any superficial stuff and called me to focus on helping others... it has been a wonderful process and I am so blessed to spend a big chunk of my time to minister to people that need my help....
so... Pinterest... visiting with my oldest daughter and going to one of her favourite whimsical and lovely places, the Bakery Bobette & Belle in Toronto I was charmed by the beauty and uniqueness, the flowers and cakes and the decor ... it was like stepping into a land of fairies and baby breath and loveliness...
at her place she showed me her Pinterest account and there it was again... that dreamy world... that virtual place of innocence and wonderfulness ...
I couldn't resist any more.. so for the last 5 days I have been pinning away.. I have pinned to boards I called "Moments" and "Whimsical" I have one called "Babies" and one called "Faith".... and I am LOVING it....

there are so many beautiful things in this world... I think I needed to be reminded of it... having been confronted with a lot of brokenness and heartache and the inevitability of conflict and pain over the many years all this has been going on in my life, I had concentrated on holding on to my faith .. accepting the pain as a normal thing and finding joy in my relationship with Jesus...
over the last 6 months or so He has been faithfully keeping me in perfect peace .. an amazing miracle... He is and always will be the source of all my joy, strength and wisdom... but I think He allowed last Saturday afternoon to be a trigger for me to allow myself some time off once in a while.. some time off from facing the world on the front lines.. trying to communicate the love and care of God to people that each day face circumstances that render them hopeless, hurt and damaged..
so, I am not feeling guilty for indulging in some of the " virtual beauty " available to me in this world of Pinterest... I am too busy for it to become an addiction that could take my eyes off what is most important... serving my Lord and loving people into the Kingdom...
just really really love all those beautiful pics... it's all so whimsical <3

... my last gift of love...

I know a little song for this passage.. this is why it was so very easy to memorize it.. my kids learned it way back when at VBS..

May 2009 my friend and mentor challenged me to pray through this passage and ask the Lord how good a job I was doing with loving my husband like that.. things had been even tougher than before and 7 months later he would walk out on us for good..

did not know that back then and, good girl that I am ;) I listened to the instructions and sat down one afternoon and prayed...

didn't expect what happened then... my Father in Heaven, gently, yet firmly showed me where over time I had not loved my husband well at all... I was not patient anymore, often times I was not kind at all, I had become very easily angered, and even though I forgave him for disappointing and letting me and the kids down every time, I still resented him.. I didn't trust, I felt very hopeless, and I had a very hard time persevering for sure..

I broke down in bitter tears and all I could do was ask God to forgive me... I repented and in turn God flooded my heart with what I think was His love for my husband.. a love that did not expect anything in return, that loved him for the potential he had, for the fact that he tried at times, a love fuelled by compassion and grace rather than by hurt feelings and disappointment.. I went to my husband and asked him to forgive me as well... I so hoped things could be better from then on..

3 months later I found proof of an affair he had been having for some time and even though I forgave and we spent another 3 months together, he eventually left..
my friends and I couldn't quite understand why God would have brought about that big change just for the marriage to fall apart anyways..

in the months following the separation God did show me how right His timing was after all...
loving my husband the way I did, through the change in my heart that God had brought about, I was able to still love him .. loving him now meant letting him go, accepting that even though my heart was changed, his wasn't... forgiving him over and over again, without any thought of revenge.. still seeing the good, the potential and the willingness to try to do better than what had been modelled to him in his childhood... I was able to accept the pain that this caused me, not fight it but move through it instead.. living it, every moment of every day...
it wasn't nice.. but it allowed for healing to take place... the feelings of rejection and abandonment I had I offered up to the lover of my soul, because He alone loves me perfectly... I was not trying to control or manipulate  the one that had never met my emotional needs  to give it to me now ( duh)... I didn't expect anything anymore .. so I was no longer disappointed..

reading through this passage this week something dawned on me...
this is a very high calling and before I commit my life to another man I better make sure I am willing to love him like this... because I definitely want to be the wife I need to be, this time from the beginning ...