.. created for His purpose!!!!...

a beautiful day today... a little breeze, not hot but warm.. perfect..

saw a client this morning that warms my heart.. so proud of her.. 

noticed something on my blog... (you know that I can see from where and with what kind of browser and operating system you are accessing my blog? ... :) what the traffic source is and the Search Keywords?.. big "brother is watching you" :P )
anyways.. made me google my name and see what shows up now... and there it was.. the birth and death record of a Miriam Rehfeldt... born Jan 1, 1903 in Ann Arbor, Michigan.... died there in  September 1966...
now... if my name was Anne Smith, or Mary Brown... I wouldn't be surprised that there are oodles with the same name..
but Miriam Rehfeldt... really?  so it is amazing that there has been one, and she lived in Michigan.. find it very intriguing and maybe it is not... but I thought so..

to think that God had me Miriam, born in Germany, come to Canada, marry a "Rehfeldt" and live in Ontario... and that 2 years after I was born this other Miriam Rehfeldt passed away.. after living for 63 years...  I want to know.. was she a believer? was she married, did she have children?

is there any significance to me finding this out? or is it just an interesting fact?
well, I know that my God will make this clear.. someway or another, He is like that.. one reason I love Him so much.. He cares so much about every detail of our lives..

this is what the Lord said to Jeremiah:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” ( Jeremiah 1 :5)

before He formed Miriam Rehfeldt from Ann Arbor Michigan in the womb of her mother, He knew her, He had a purpose for her life... before I, Miriam Rehfeldt from Wittendorf, Germany was formed in the womb of my mother, He knew me, He knew the number of hairs on my head, he knitted me together and He prepared the things He had for me to do.. He knew how He would use me, what purpose He would give me ....

He has many ways to make me feel loved... this definitely is a big one..
Bless His Holy Name, oh my soul, I shall forever serve Him!
Maybe I will meet the other Miriam Rehfeldt in Heaven one day... now wouldn't that just be cool ;)

..crowned with steadfast love and mercy... no matter the stings of reality

she will have no fear of bad news

her heart is steadfast

trusting in the Lord

her heart is secure

she will have no fear

in the end she will look in triumph

over her  foes

Psalm 112 7-8

from being a fearful little girl to being a woman like described in these verses... Hallelujah.. Only the God of the Universe, the Mighty God, the Father who sent His Son to redeem those He had chosen before the beginning of the world, only He could have brought about this kind of a transformation..

TRUST.... when things get tough, when your worst nightmare becomes reality... it is then we need by faith focus on where God will bring us, trusting in His Goodness, rather than just imagining ( and experiencing) all the bad we can by His strength look to where this faithful Father we have in Heaven will have us on the "flip side"... when we come out of the valley of death...

it is He

who redeems me from the pit

who crowns me with steadfast love and mercy

who satisfies me with good

so that my youth is renewed like the eagle's

tomorrow my first little baby, my beloved Louisa will turn 24... I will not see her on her birthday.. this is the first time in 24 years..  realizing she is a grown woman and work is what takes her too far to go and visit her, and accepting that, I am still saddened that if my marriage was still intact I would be with her tomorrow... instead she will be with the one who walked away and his new wife...

realities like that will always be and have been those stings, those consequences that remain to bring pain even though I have arrived on the "flip side" months ago..

but my Lord

shows compassion to those who revere and follow Him...

He, who makes me smile.. He who warms my heart and because:

for as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His steadfast love toward

those that obey Him and surrender their lives to Him

His steadfast love is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him

and His righteousness to my children's children

Psalm 103

... it's all good... because God is GOOOD all the time!! Praise His Holy Name, oh my soul!!!

.. no more sorrow or pain in heaven....

today, when we finally finished our study of the book "So long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend" we talked long about how when we trust God, not Him answering our prayers and preventing all we are afraid of,  but trust in Him, we really are able to leave our fears and insecurities behind..
talking about the trials we face, we remembered a Sermon series by James Mc Donald we had watched almost 2 years ago, where he points out that as children of God, He, God, is so committed to refine us and make us better that if there isn't a trial around the next corner ( and they don't always have to be big ) we might have to question if we are really God's children..
shared in my Small Group tonite that I have never have felt that great, at peace and full of joy than I have  for the last little while...
in bed an hour later my daughter calls "Mama" in this terrified tone of voice that I do not hear very often from her...

turns out she saw on my sister's status on fb that my mother's little doggie, Bello, a Jack Russel had died yesterday...
have to admit that this has sent my heart into a tailspin... real sorrow and pain for what my mother must be going through right now... this little puppy dog has been her one consistent delight for  the last 17 years..
when waking up from her coma last year her first few words were.. "no wonder I almost died, I didn't want to live anymore because Bello was dead"...
we were able to bring him to her then and she was so relieved to find out that this was just one of the drug induced nightmares she had while in the coma...
so now it has finally happened... little Bello has passed away...
I am not sure how she will be dealing with this.. so sad once again that there is such a distance between us.. good news is that my parents are going to come here on Friday...
he was "just" a dog... but when this dog is your most loving and permanent companion, you have been his caregiver for 17 years, losing him is not a piece of cake...
I believe strongly that all dogs go to heaven and that we will one day see him again.. maybe God is going to use this loss in the life of my mother to open her eyes to her need to be sure of her own destination when the day comes..
rejoicing that because of the death and resurrection of Christ, my Saviour I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be in heaven one day.. no more tears and no more Good byes.. no more losses and no more pain... looking forward to it...

May 17,2012.. my 3rd "not anymore Wedding Anniversary"

today is May 17... it is my mother's Birthday, she is turning 72 today.
today is May 17.. it used to be my Wedding Anniversary... now it has become my "not anymore Wedding Anniversary" and it is happening for the third time today..

2 years ago this was a very, very sad day, today it still is a sad day for the fact that something that had been joined together by God and was not supposed to be broken by us does no longer exist..


today, one day short of the 2 year 5 months anniversary of my husband walking away from his promise and commitment I am taking a moment to look back and evaluate..

the consequences of his sin are clearer today than they have been before. the consequences it has brought to my personal life, to my children's lives ...

looking back, what stands out though is, that through it all, Jesus has been there... that I have learned to accept suffering as part of life even more , accepting it to be part of the refining process every follower of Jesus is going through...the Beauty in the Turmoil... I have seen it...

impurities have been brought to the surface in this tremendous fire of walking through indescribable pain, sorrow and loss.. through trust and obedience the Lord was able to remove those impurities and today I am a little bit more like Him..

He has also not wasted a minute of my life but has used every bit of suffering for His glory.. He has made me take my eyes off myself and serve Him like never before..

 driving to work this morning I was praying and thanking Him for bringing me to a place where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy to be loved, worthy to be cherished and valued, worthy to be respected and treated gently.. I am precious in His sight and beautiful...

I am in a place where I can trust in His guidance and wisdom, His timing and His Goodness...
In His time He DOES make all things beautiful....  it is the coming closer to Him that is the Beauty... not the existence / success of a relationship, health, happiness or a life without conflict...
knowing Him and be known by Him.... there is no greater thing...

You keep her in perfect peace

    whose mind is stayed on you,

    because she trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

celebrating Him and bringing Glory to Him is my desire today.

..not according to the Word --> NO LIGHT..

oh how glorious is Your Word , Oh Lord..
there is not a time I read it that I do not get so excited and lifted up. it never fails to clarify things for me..

these are a few verses from this week's passage : For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.  But each in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, then at his coming those who belong to Christ.  Then comes the end, when he delivers the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power. For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet
(1 Corinthian's 15:22-25)

having had some very futile discussions lately about the authority of the Word..  and arguments about if something is not compatible with biblical teaching it is not from God, but from the devil, I was encouraged today to read and think about and marvel at these verses... strong words.. destroying every rule and every authority and power...

to think that there is anything at all in this world that we could be involved in as  Followers of Christ that would be okay to not  be biblical / in accordance with God's revelation to us.. boggles my mind:

When all things are subjected to him, then the Son himself will also be subjected to him who put all things in subjection under him, that God may be all in all. ( 1 Corinthians 15:28)

God wants to be ALL in ALL... makes sense.. He created the world..duh.....

and this one: to the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this [God's] word, it is because there is no light in them" (Isaiah 8:20)... could it be any clearer than this?

becoming a Christian, being born again is receiving the gift of salvation and surrendering to Christ, submitting to His authority, seeking Him in His Word... not in some notion and teachings gleaned from all kinds of other places (  beware: this world is full of false teachings )

 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it  and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.  All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,  that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. ( 2 Timothy 3:14-17)

this is my prayer for those that have been deceived:
that You would put false ways far from them
    and graciously teach them your law, oh Lord ( Psalm 119:29)

.."unclogged" and free...

epic day.. mowed the lawn again and fixed the clogged up kid's bathroom sink.. since moving into this house 18 months ago the water never really drained the way it was supposed to (reeeaaaaalllyyy slowly;)... typical procrastinator I am and not wanting to pay a plumber.. ;) I left it until, a week ago, it happened... no water made it down the drain anymore at all..
asked a friend.. didn't come through for me.. so I looked at the pipes and whatever else is under the sink and was contemplating maybe buying a tool and trying it myself anyways.. started to fiddle with it and got to the root of the problem without having any idea what I was doing... gotta love God for how He can use us and allow us to be successful without having the slightest understanding what it is we are doing..
fact: the drain is clear and the water is running as freely as a little creek in the spring... hahaha
removed some other "stuff" in another area of my life.. it had been clogging me up spiritually lately, and I am so thankful for how God orchestrated all this..
so the Spirit is flowing freely ( like a creek in the spring ) through me again... mind you, He had still been working through me and my ministry anyways.. thankfully..God is just so faithful..
epic day.. amazing.. ( now the kids don't have to brush their teeth in my sink anymore..Hallelujah!!!)

..hanging with my Lord...

... feeling so blessed these days.. so thankful for the presence of my best friend and lover of my soul, He goes with me wherever I go and I can feel the warmth of His embrace all the time..
since being single I have gone from feeling rejected, thrown away and broken into a thousand pieces to feeling whole, loved and cherished like never before..
the amazing thing is that it has nothing to do with my circumstances..
they have not really changed that much..
and as much as I firmly believe that God did create us to be in a marriage relationship, and long to one day meet the man God has for me, I am feeling great... so surprising to me..
since being alone I have met so many different people, just had a few hours communicating with someone who seemed like a gift from the Lord to me for that time.. those few hours of one random evening..
blessing flowing to me in such different ways.. enriching my heart and soul..
embracing the blessings as they come, appreciating them and drinking them in..., know some amazing songs I didn't know before, gleaned some insight into matters that are important to me, oh how marvellous to feel souls resonating... I learned to do that.. just taking every hour for what it is.. and allowing the peace and joy of the Lord to permeate the last little corner of my soul..
never in my life have I felt that complete, loved and secure..
I think this is what it should have felt like all along.. so thankful that He has brought me here..
He is my faithful companion, my Lord and my Saviour, He has carried me through the valley and He just hangs out with me .. delighting over my deep joy and the awe I feel as I am so very close to Him.. filled with His love my cup overflows.. love spilling over..
Oh Jesus.. that you would have saved me when I was hostile and lost... Your grace and mercy overwhelm me and make my soul sing... eternally..
may all I do and say bring glory and honour to you..  #SoliDeoGloria

..I am not my family tree..

social media.. good? or bad? not really that important what each of us thinks, it's just that.. social media..
it is here and it is alive and chances are it will get even more popular.. even though I cannot imagine how we all could spend even more time on it..
read a blog, posted on twitter on Monday, written by a young Christian woman, 25 years old, about her life and priorities and bringing up a child in today's world..
beautiful to get a glimpse into her life, very mature and wise for her age, realizing that Jesus needs to be the centre of our lives ...
thinking of her, and where she comes from.. heard her father share on Saturday how wonderful his parents are, made me feel a few different things..
so blessed to hear that it does actually exist, families that have been Christ followers for generations , healthy and whole.. parents that have loved their children well, the children in turn able to love their own kids the way God meant for it to be..
sadness about the fact that this has not been something that has been true for me..
becoming a follower of Christ when I was 30, choices I had made already were affecting my children's upbringing, trying to work through the dysfunction that had been passed down to me, I know that the chains of the generational sin has been broken and my children, even though others in their lives are not walking with the Lord, are free from the bondage..
knowing that God is sovereign and that He loves me and my daughters, I let go of the sadness and rather am thankful that now they do have the chance to start a legacy of godly upbringing like this young woman "exudes "..
realizing that everyone has struggles in this life, no matter their background, and that Jesus has overcome the world.. I know that through Him I have become a new creation...

I am not my family tree

These are different leaves, you know

There are miles and miles between

My roots and what I’m trying to grow

I am not my past mistakes

Labelled by some place and time

There is mercy in the soil, mercy in the sun

Learning to forgive, what cannot be undone

And what was meant to harm can’t harm you in the end
..I am not my family tree...

this is the truth: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

He makes all things beautiful in His time, Praise God!

..confusion not from God!!!..

used to live in this bubble..  most of my friends were from MY church and some, just a few,  that weren't Christians, as in my family ...
life was pretty straightforward and all seemed pretty clear.. the truth was what I had been learning since becoming a Christian, solid, biblical teaching and my own studies of the Word, the Lord making things clear to me and changing me gently..
in the meantime, because my life fell apart two and a half year ago, I have met some Christians that have different views on some pretty significant things ... have to admit it has thrown me off at times..
thankfully the Holy Spirit keeps making me feel uncomfortable again and again and I am drawn back to the Word..
today Michael Minot, amazing Christian guy tweeted this: " Guard your heart and your mind. These are the places where the enemy wages his warfare"... I had just been spending time in the Word and this was what jumped out to me: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.  ( 1 Cor 14 : 33)
if confusion enters one's mind we can be sure it is not from God.. with God there is peace, wisdom and direction..
needed to be reminded that my fragile and vulnerable heart is easy prey.. cannot let Satan try and use this to bring confusion to my mind..
so here are some reminders for me:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God..He was with God in the beginning.. ( John 1: 1+2 )
and then there is this:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,  so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16+17)

bottom line is this: Truth is Truth and the Word is the Word.. I am choosing to submit to it's authority.. I do not have to question or debate, I don't have to seek for answers it doesn't give, I just have to believe it and trust God..
I love Jesus and He is the Word.. He is the One who was with God in the beginning..
this is how John chapter 1 goes on:
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

I need to leave it there because this is what it says as well:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. ( Isaiah 55:8 )
That's it.

..mountaintop experiences..

mountain top experiences... those are the ones we don't want to end.. very different from the times in the valley.. nobody likes those..
had one of those mountain top experiences on Saturday evening.. driving down to Toronto with a very dear and cherished friend.. waiting in line to get to go inside the church where the long awaited concert was going to be..
meet and greet with Michael W Smith... and what can I say.. he just doesn't disappoint...
the concert... amazing, the music, the atmosphere, the "little sermons".. worshipping my Jesus in such a setting is such a blessing...
would love to do this all the time.. but then, if we stayed up there how would others hear..
 this just reminded me of a song by Amy Grant..

I love to sing and I love to pray

Worship the Lord most everyday

I go to the temple, and I just want to stay

To hide from the hustle of the world and its ways

And I'd love to live on a mountain top

Fellowshipping with the Lord

I'd love to stand on a mountain top

'Cause I love to feel my spirit soar

But I've got to come down from that mountain top

To the people in the valley below

Or they'll never know that they can go

To the mountain of the Lord

Now, praising the Father is a good thing to do

Worship the Trinity in spirit and truth

But if we worshipped all of the time

There would be no one to lead the blind

Now, I am not saying that worship is wrong

But worship is more than just singing a song

It's all that you say, and everything that you do

It's letting His Spirit live through you

so coming down from the mountaintop.. meeting with a client at Hope for Life today.. it's about telling those that do not know, they too can go to the mountain of the Lord.. so thankful I get to share my Jesus with the ones he has sent to us.. so blessed to know Him, so blessed by faithful Christian Artists like Michael W Smith and Amy Grant.. allowing the Lord to minister to others through their music... AMAZING.. His plans ROCK!!!!

.. May 5, 2012... a very special day indeed..

it is 3:11 pm on Saturday May 5, 2012... not a very significant day in the big scheme of things... but... a very significant day for me..
May 16, 2009 was the day I went to my first Michael W Smith concert... I had known MWS before, remember loving 2 CDs of him a very long time ago... but, I have to admit I had not paid a lot of attention to this particular Christian Artist..
May 2009 he came to Hamilton and the Christian School promoted the concert.. I got a bunch of friends together and we went...
that day, hopeless and broken as I was, ( I had found first evidence of my husband cheating the Nov before) God used a song "Deep in love with you" to show me that He knew, and that He cared..
I bought the CD and since then... I have been a huge fan of Michael W Smith (what some very mean people call "groupie"..shocking).. his songs have ministered to my heart and helped me through the last 3 years in a way no one else's songs ever have.. it was like God was speaking directly to me.. giving me strength to make it through some rather difficult circumstances..
the last concert of his I went to was a Benefit concert for the Franklin Theatre in Franklin, TN.. where MWS and so many other amazing Christian Artists live... it was August 6, 2011, the day my Ex-husband got married...
I have been looking forward to this concert today for a very long time.. I mean, 9 months between concerts of my absolutely fav artist is just a little too long ;)
so, after cleaning the house today with my girlies, we needed it to get all sparkly for our Early "Mami Day" Celebrations tomorrow.. I have been getting myself ready..
it is a special day.. Meet and Greet with Michael before the concert.. then hours of worshipping with him and so many other fellow Christians.. I always feel it is like getting a glimpse of heaven..
so maybe I am a groupie ( I do think he is a wonderful godly man, I love his voice, his music and his looks... ) but who cares.. God has used and continues to use him in my life and in the lives of so many others...
it is a very special day indeed <3

... new wife, old wife... :S

... life as a divorced woman..
very interesting.. never a dull moment, that's for sure...
simple, yet profound and significant moments definitely have become a little spicier.. as in, there are ingredients that weren't on the original recipe.. ;)
seems like as a child of God, following His plan for dealing with loss, with His blessing and healing an ongoing thing in my life, I seem to be the one that is able to deal with those moments the best... funny, who would have thought that..
this weekend, I had the pleasure of moving my daughter back into my humble abode.. for a year for sure, I will have 2 of my children living with me.. a delight.. because I do love them with an undying love and devotion.. they are a gift from the Lord and they never fail to bring me joy..
so, moving her stuff this weekend we were:  mother, father, 2 children + one daughter's boyfriend, one new wife of father... ha... potential for awkward moments? probably.. did I experience any? no...
had no problem whatsoever sharing this "simple, yet significant " moment with the woman that replaced me as the wife of the man that was my husband at one point in time.. hmmmm
resentment? none. anger? none. sadness? surprisingly none.. now that is just amazing. I like her. I like him, they care about my kids.. no need for any negative feelings on my part..
would there have been profound sadness, say a year ago? pretty sure... because healing brought by the Lord still takes time.. ( time alone does not heal!!!!!)
was there some tension? yes, but like I said, not originating from me or affecting me.. maybe everyone else felt a little bit awkward, not sure..
these kind of events definitely have a way of highlighting the fact that this is not your regular family unit anymore and that will always be the case..
I am just so thankful that the pain has left me.. the wound has healed.. quite amazing, really.
a great sermon about grieving the "Christian/ God's way" at Winston Churchill Community Church where we attended to witness a dear friend's baptism.. confirmed that I indeed have walked through all the stages of dealing with a loss.. embracing the pain, allowing the tears and the tremendous sadness for as long as it was there, forgiving and continuing to trust God for all I needed, walking closely with Him and loving with His love.. He has been faithful, He has brought about healing and Him and I are closer than ever before..
hoping that those "moments" in the life of my children will continue to become more normal the tension will disappear completely, I thank my Lord for His love and support and for His grace, lived out... He is who He says He is.. Trusting Him with my fragile heart.. 100%!!!!!!!

.. the whimsical world of Pinterest...

so Pinterest... I had seen it creep up on Facebook a while ago... I also noticed just how much some of my friends were using it.. someone invited me and I was determined... to NOT even start.. because, very obviously this was just one more thing to waste your time on....
over the last few years I had kind of lost all my interest in decorating, gardening, never had much interest in cooking anyways, lost my love for photography... my life had been I guess reduced to making it through..
one day at a time and then, as a way of bringing about healing the Lord had allowed me to look beyond myself and any superficial stuff and called me to focus on helping others... it has been a wonderful process and I am so blessed to spend a big chunk of my time to minister to people that need my help....
so... Pinterest... visiting with my oldest daughter and going to one of her favourite whimsical and lovely places, the Bakery Bobette & Belle in Toronto I was charmed by the beauty and uniqueness, the flowers and cakes and the decor ... it was like stepping into a land of fairies and baby breath and loveliness...
at her place she showed me her Pinterest account and there it was again... that dreamy world... that virtual place of innocence and wonderfulness ...
I couldn't resist any more.. so for the last 5 days I have been pinning away.. I have pinned to boards I called "Moments" and "Whimsical" I have one called "Babies" and one called "Faith".... and I am LOVING it....

there are so many beautiful things in this world... I think I needed to be reminded of it... having been confronted with a lot of brokenness and heartache and the inevitability of conflict and pain over the many years all this has been going on in my life, I had concentrated on holding on to my faith .. accepting the pain as a normal thing and finding joy in my relationship with Jesus...
over the last 6 months or so He has been faithfully keeping me in perfect peace .. an amazing miracle... He is and always will be the source of all my joy, strength and wisdom... but I think He allowed last Saturday afternoon to be a trigger for me to allow myself some time off once in a while.. some time off from facing the world on the front lines.. trying to communicate the love and care of God to people that each day face circumstances that render them hopeless, hurt and damaged..
so, I am not feeling guilty for indulging in some of the " virtual beauty " available to me in this world of Pinterest... I am too busy for it to become an addiction that could take my eyes off what is most important... serving my Lord and loving people into the Kingdom...
just really really love all those beautiful pics... it's all so whimsical <3

... my last gift of love...

I know a little song for this passage.. this is why it was so very easy to memorize it.. my kids learned it way back when at VBS..

May 2009 my friend and mentor challenged me to pray through this passage and ask the Lord how good a job I was doing with loving my husband like that.. things had been even tougher than before and 7 months later he would walk out on us for good..

did not know that back then and, good girl that I am ;) I listened to the instructions and sat down one afternoon and prayed...

didn't expect what happened then... my Father in Heaven, gently, yet firmly showed me where over time I had not loved my husband well at all... I was not patient anymore, often times I was not kind at all, I had become very easily angered, and even though I forgave him for disappointing and letting me and the kids down every time, I still resented him.. I didn't trust, I felt very hopeless, and I had a very hard time persevering for sure..

I broke down in bitter tears and all I could do was ask God to forgive me... I repented and in turn God flooded my heart with what I think was His love for my husband.. a love that did not expect anything in return, that loved him for the potential he had, for the fact that he tried at times, a love fuelled by compassion and grace rather than by hurt feelings and disappointment.. I went to my husband and asked him to forgive me as well... I so hoped things could be better from then on..

3 months later I found proof of an affair he had been having for some time and even though I forgave and we spent another 3 months together, he eventually left..
my friends and I couldn't quite understand why God would have brought about that big change just for the marriage to fall apart anyways..

in the months following the separation God did show me how right His timing was after all...
loving my husband the way I did, through the change in my heart that God had brought about, I was able to still love him .. loving him now meant letting him go, accepting that even though my heart was changed, his wasn't... forgiving him over and over again, without any thought of revenge.. still seeing the good, the potential and the willingness to try to do better than what had been modelled to him in his childhood... I was able to accept the pain that this caused me, not fight it but move through it instead.. living it, every moment of every day...
it wasn't nice.. but it allowed for healing to take place... the feelings of rejection and abandonment I had I offered up to the lover of my soul, because He alone loves me perfectly... I was not trying to control or manipulate  the one that had never met my emotional needs  to give it to me now ( duh)... I didn't expect anything anymore .. so I was no longer disappointed..

reading through this passage this week something dawned on me...
this is a very high calling and before I commit my life to another man I better make sure I am willing to love him like this... because I definitely want to be the wife I need to be, this time from the beginning ...

... loss restored?

love the music to "The Story"...such great insight , looking at it all unfold from a totally different view point... my fav right now: the song of Adam and Eve...

If I could, I’d rewrite history

I’d choose differently; if I could, I would

I’d leave out the part where I broke Your heart

In the garden’s shade, fix the mess I made

If I could, I would

If I could, close my eyes and then

Dance around again; if I could, I would

Be who You adored, why did I need more?

When beauty was not trained to hide behind my shame

If I could, I would.

Can You hear us cry?

Wishing we could turn back time

To feel Your breath when branches move

Take one more sunset walk with You

Must each tomorrow hold

Such brokenness untold?

Can’t imagine how You could

See all of me and say it’s good

If I could hold one memory

It would surely be how You walked with us

I’d go back in time, un-tell my first lie

And let Love’s injury heal in spite of me

Can You hear us cry?

Wishing we could turn back time

To feel Your breath when branches move

Take one more sunset walk with You

Must each tomorrow hold

Such brokenness untold?

Can’t imagine how You could

See all of me and say it’s good

It is good. It is good.

You still love us more than we believed You could

Could there be something more?

Will it ever be the way it was before? 

I personally have never thought about what Adam and Eve must have felt after they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden... they were the only Ones to know fellowship with God the way it was intended... it must have been... I can't think of another word: Heavenly!!!

and still, even though they had it all, they desired more... and they made a bad choice... sin entered the world and the rest is history..

makes me feel a little bit better when I, even though I have fellowship with my Saviour still long for something more.. caught up in this broken world, longing for Heaven, and all life was supposed to be, I too make bad choices at times... I, in my weakness sometimes turn away and take things into my own hands.. instead of staying right there with my Saviour, the Lover of my Soul, the only One that can fulfill all my needs..

the only One that, even though I have disappointed Him again, still loves me... 

as much as I much rather would never make a bad choice I know that I who have been forgiven much, love much more.. is this why He allows it, even though it breaks His heart.. again and again?

can't even try to comprehend such a love... 

the last question in the song... "will it ever be the way it was before???" I think the answer is YES... once Jesus comes back, all brokenness will be gone and we will be enjoying the eternal closeness all of us long for... Heavenly....

...NEWSFLASH: He came to save the LOST!!!!!

let me tell you about my Jesus...

in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. ( John 1: 1-4)

that's the One..


who, being in very nature God,  did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant,  being made in human likeness.  and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—  even death on a cross  (Philippians 2: 6-8)

that One..

in the Garden, He prayed : Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you.  for you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.  now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.  I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do.  and now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began. ( John 17:1-5)

so this One... almost 18 years ago He revealed Himself to me... He had known me, but I didn't know Him ... since then I have been seeking Him and getting to know Him better...
and this is something about Him I know now..

He came to bind up the broken-hearted... through His people...

scenario today:
a girl: pregnant.. living below the poverty line... gave birth... without hope she looked for it in the wrong places..
a baby: taken away from it's mother...
He:  told us ( how amazing is that) ..
we: NEED to help her...
that's it....

He, the Word, God's Son.. was there in the beginning... He, chose to give His life for us..He cares.. deeply.. how can we NOT?????????????????????

.. Salvation... all up to Him..

I found this pic.. or I should say the original for it, online.. then I made it my own.. this pic shows two of my most fav creations...Ladybugs and Forget-me -nots... I just needed to spend some time this afternoon creating something pretty.. springy... hopeful.. peaceful... I realized talking to a friend yesterday that when my world had come tumbling down I lost a few not so obvious things, just because I was depressed.. lost some of the things that used to bring me joy... taking photos and "playing" with them was one of them.. gardening is another....
so, today, when looking at all those photos of Forget-me-nots... I decided to plant some this spring...

Easter Sunday today.. this morning as I was driving to church I was praying, thinking my parents would be there as well... asking that today would be the day they would realize their need for a Saviour.. as in being convicted of their sin and brokenness.. over the years I have shared what it means to love Jesus, how wonderful it is to be loved by Him and by the Father... it never sunk in... I guess, it is just another nice fairy tale to them...
I know it has to be God, He is the only One that is able to show us just how much in need of a Saviour we are..
anyways... I prayed... they didn't show up... Great :(
the sermon was amazing, as always.... worshipping Him and celebrating what He accomplished for us on the cross... what a very special day.... I am not carrying the responsibility for their Salvation on my shoulders.. that's in the most capable hands it could be, His .. so this afternoon I chose to take some time to just play a little on my Macbook... nice... Thanks be to Him...

.. The Darling of Heaven Crucified...

this is how love wins, every single time, climbing high up on a cross where someone else should die..
this is how love heals, the deepest part of you, letting Himself bleed into the middle of your wounds...

today, Good Friday.. good, because what was intended for evil in reality was predestined sacrifice... Jesus willingly surrendering His Life.. so that we would not have to receive the just punishment for our sins but instead be forgiven, finding freedom from sin, and be given the gift of eternal life, starting the moment our eyes are opened and our heart kneels before our Lord...

today, a day to remember what has touched my heart almost 18 years ago and has never let go of me..
a love so amazing, so divine.. How deep the Father's love for us, that He would give His only begotten son ... that the Son would die a brutal death on the cross... so that we would know victory over sin..

sang many beautiful and well known songs today, and there .. one line from one of those songs all of a sudden jumped out at me.. the "DARLING" of heaven crucified.....
touched me so deeply... my Jesus, born a baby... Darling of his parents.. Darling of God the Father who loves His Son.. crucified..
with my "Darlings" pretty much all grown up I know this feeling... looking at a young woman and in my heart feeling and "seeing" my little darling... my precious baby... such love.. so overwhelmingly immense.. who could even attempt to fathom the love the Father has for His Son, the Darling of Heaven...

..  Christ Jesus...

  Who, being in very nature God, 

   did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 

 rather, he made himself nothing 

   by taking the very nature of a servant, 

   being made in human likeness. 

 And being found in appearance as a man, 

   he humbled himself 

   by becoming obedient to death— 

      even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place 

   and gave him the name that is above every name, 

 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, 

   in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 

 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, 

   to the glory of God the Father

Good Friday... a Good day indeed.. so many years ago... my heart belongs to the darling of Heaven...

to serve Him and to worship Him is the least I can do... 

... symptoms of a "heart attack"...

The most common symptoms of heart attack in women are :

Shortness of breath X
Weakness X
Unusual fatigue
Cold sweat
Dizziness X
Pain or pressure in the back or high chest X
Pain or discomfort in one or both arms X
Discomfort may be described as pressure, ache, or tightness; may come and go X
A burning sensation in the chest or upper abdomen
Irregular heartbeat
Nausea

okay... so, if you can say yes to 6 out of 11 symptoms... should you go to  the Emergency Department?
if you are a woman like me, you end up waiting it out and just going back home to lie on your couch,...
wise? or maybe more stupid?
there has been a time in my life, I think it was 4-5 years ago, when because of those symptoms my heart was checked out very thoroughly... the trouble turned out to be stress induced and I was found totally "heart healthy"...  the stress during that time of my life was tremendous.... thankfully I haven't had any chest pain anymore since my main "stressor" left my life.. ( even though humongous pain was inflicted when he did, it eventually led to a less tension filled and less stressed-out life)

so when I started to have those pains again over the last 2 weeks I was not very impressed...
it seems that something is going on that has not happened before... I am not feeling very stressed out, I do have peace , the peace that surpasses understanding, the peace that has nothing to do with circumstances but with who I trust in and rely on, He, my Saviour is the one who gives it to me.... amazing, but
apparently... my body has not quite caught up with where my soul is... :S

so... right now I am just waiting, trying to relax.... I hate to be going to the Emergency when "Nothing" is wrong... I am sure that He will come through for me,... not only in the stressful situations that are going on a little too close for comfort, but also in regards to my health... my physical health that is...
emotional health has been restored in me over all those almost 18 years of walking with Him..
scars from childhood and new inflicted wounds... everything has been healed or is in the process of being healed.. His attention to my wounds and hurts has allowed me to be gracious and kind, forgiving and able to relate peacefully with people that have hurt me so much in the past..
the transformation in my heart and soul has also enabled me to without fear stand up for the truth... a price has to be paid at times but I know that this is what He wants for me..
this is how I bring glory to His name.. by acting and reacting so differently from what would be considered normal... me sitting with my Ex-husband and his wife at the Dance Competition or me putting up wise boundaries with my very dysfunctional family... loving them but not allowing them to control or manipulate me.. all possible through Him who saved me and who gives me all I need... with Him, even though my foolish human heart ( the organ) will  still hurt, it is well with my soul...
Praise and Glory be to Him!!!!!

....putting others first...

it is a mad, mad world... humanity' s legacy of hatred, anger, murder and deception that started so very, very long ago..is making this earth a place that we just don't belong to...our citizenship is in Heaven, as born again Christians, we become more and more sensitive to just how broken this world really is...

it kind of spoils the "enjoyment" of life's regular entertainment and highlights... we have different ones.. and they are so wonderful, I would NEVER want to trade those for anything this world has to offer... and yet... this "out of place" feeling is really not such a nice thing.. oh well.....

 a society like ours, that spends lots of time watching reality shows about cakes and bachelors and worst restaurants or "celebrity doubles" while every 30 seconds a child dies of hunger... is a sad thing.. I know.. this is happening so far away, it's not "real" to us.... but then.... there are enough hopeless, broken and helpless people living below the poverty line right in our own backyards...

as Christians we have no excuse... we are called to care... I am even going so far as to say if you don't care.. you might want to test yourself... Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted, to heal the sick and save the lost....He saved us... what are we going to do as we are living our lives as Ambassadors for Him?

He calls us to serve and to love and to share The Good News.... in deeds.. through action...
Priorities...He comes first and all He is about. than comes His church... the rest, like spouses, children, family, work, friends, leisure and entertainment comes after... yes, that is true....

He and all He is about... as we draw close to Him, get to know Him intimately,  He is faithful and will reveal what it is He wants us to do..... I have heard it explained like this before: the place where our passion, our talents and skills and our biggest perceived need intersect is where He is calling us to be at work for Him... ask Him... seek Him and His will, but be sure, it will not be about making your life more comfortable and "exciting".. it will be about bringing glory to Him by putting others first... :)