..a Thanksgiving Blessing..

on a very positive note.... I am overflowing with thankfulness because my parents came to visit from Switzerland, we had a great Thanksgiving meal together yesterday...
My mother looks great and it is so amazing to have her back. it has only been  6 1/2 months since she one morning experienced a pain so horrible, my father said she was screaming like a dying animal, he said he had never heard anything like this before..
your intestines bursting, ripping apart .. can't be such a great thing for sure... the septic shock her body went in almost killed her... it took a very long time to regain strength and be without constant pain... the threat of the cancer returning hanging over her still...

spending time with her yesterday, she seems to be back to her normal spunk and strength... what a blessing from God... incredible...
we will never forget the 10 days in the ICU, fearing for her life and the very slow and painful weeks following..
I just had to hug and hold her over and over again since she arrived... so very thankful I still have her...

I will cherish the time we have together, continue to pray for her salvation and love her with all my heart..

Thank you Lord for healing my mother, we know it was you who did... thank you for a joy filled day yesterday.. may she come to know you as her Saviour as well....
I praise you Lord for your love for us... AMEN

...God my maker is my husband...

..seeking Him in the morning... dwelling on Him throughout the day, repeating my memory work to myself...I have found again what I had lost over the last few months.. sweet fellowship with my Redeemer... who has given me this scripture that touches me deep in my soul:


“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
   Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
   and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
 For your Maker is your husband—
   the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
   he is called the God of all the earth.
 The LORD will call you back
   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
   only to be rejected,” says your God.
Isaiah 54: 4-6


another one.. the one I decided to memorize first.. is this:

 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
1 Corinthians 6: 19-20

when I was married.. even though at times  not (in the end never at all) receiving what my soul really needed, not feeling loved or important... I would have NEVER even entertained the thought of cheating on my husband or getting some of what I needed somewhere else... Jesus, the Lover of my Soul definitely gave me everything I needed to stay true to the covenant between me and my husband..

rejected and tossed aside, replaced even while I was still thinking I was in a marriage, erased from a life together, divorced after 10 months of being separated... all of a sudden it seemed that I was not whole, I needed to be completed again by a man... with todays technical means a whole world of possibilities seemed to be at my fingertips... loneliness and the after math of a basically lifelong rejection by significant males didn't help..
clinging to Jesus for mere survival in the beginning, over time I took my eyes off Him...

so thankful today that He really never lets go of me, so thankful that my guilt and shame and His gentle interference and amazing timing brought me back into the safe place with Him...

knowing how vulnerable I really am I have chosen to memorize these two scriptures... for God, my maker is my husband... as much as I would have never cheated on my husband, even though he was, I will NOT cheat on my God and maker... until the day He releases me to the man He has for me I am going to run to Him in my loneliness and rejection.. when I feel less valuable because I am single, when I feel so utterly forgotten and abandoned... these feelings are real and they assault me at night..
by His grace I will dwell on the truth over and over again so that it will be written on my heart:
my Lord has called me back, because I am a wife deserted and distressed in spirit, a wife who married young, only to be rejected...
I trust Him that I will not have to remember the shame of my youth or the reproach of my "divorce" the ultimate abandonment by my husband..

I know I am not strong enough to pull this off, but I know that He is strong when I am weak.... that His grace is sufficient for me...I am just having to rely on that...

.. keeping me strong...

...disillusionment and self pity, wants and desires... doubting God's sovereignty and not trusting Him to want my best... exploring some territory outside His general will... wanting to believe that His specific will for me would be just a little bit outside that.. oh how good we are at justifying and rationalizing things away... I had to come to this, even though I was fighting it tooth and nails... you know the story..

but in His faithfulness, His lovingkindness, He was not mad at me, He had not turned away, His loving gaze had been on me while I was engrossed in my futile struggles to find MY happiness....

Blessed is the one 

   whose transgressions are forgiven, 

   whose sins are covered. 

 Blessed is the one 

   whose sin the LORD does not count against them 

   and in whose spirit is no deceit.

  When I kept silent, 

   my bones wasted away 

   through my groaning all day long. 

 For day and night 

   your hand was heavy on me; 

my strength was sapped 

   as in the heat of summer.

  Then I acknowledged my sin to you 

   and did not cover up my iniquity. 

I said, “I will confess 

   my transgressions to the LORD.” 

And you forgave 

   the guilt of my sin.

 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you 

   while you may be found; 

surely the rising of the mighty waters 

   will not reach them. 

 You are my hiding place; 

   you will protect me from trouble 

   and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Engaging in the SCC ( Solitude, Cell, Celebration)  lifestyle, promoted by my church... refocused and deeply immersed into His Word... this is what He said to me this week:

I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts he has given you, now that you belong to Christ Jesus.  Through him, God has enriched your church in every way—with all of your eloquent words and all of your knowledge.  This confirms that what I told you about Christ is true.  Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on the day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns.  God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. ( 1 Corinthians 1: 4-9 )

dabbling in doing things my way, since God "obviously didn't care", has consequences.. facing those this week I needed to be encouraged and that is exactly what He did... He said He will keep me strong to the end, so that I am without blame...He will do it, because He IS faithful.. when loneliness and sadness comes at night, when attacks are originating from inside my own house... He has kept me strong.. and I am encouraged...

10 more sleeps until the Grand Opening and then the next day we are OPEN... Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center is a reality... and so very needed!!!!! Affirmation of that has come our way every day!!!!!

How could I trust Him for this and not for my own personal life? It made no sense.. I am so thankful that He put things into perspective once more....

.. delayed anger... the aftermath of a divorce...

.. in the 17 and a bit years of being a follower of Christ, and because of my make up.. I am a logical thinker.. I have come to deal with things a certain way..  I have learned to accept things that I cannot change and trust that God knows best...

well, this is not a bad thing, but, I am realizing now that this is why I am feeling the way I feel right now..
the last 2 + years have been horrifyingly difficult.. the stuff that has happened has been heart wrenching and immensely painful.

wanting so much to be who God wants me to be I accepted all that came my way and tried to deal with it as well as I understood at the time..
when I found out about the affair my husband had, I confronted him and forgave... I wanted to do whatever it took to make this work out... when he left anyways, I accepted it as a bad choice that was causing hurt and has many consequences, by someone who didn't know any better... I forgave... and accepted the pain...

when going to Divorce Care a year ago I realized that I had never been angry, but I was not going to fake anger, there just was none... I knew anger wouldn't make a difference so I must have just decided to accept when all this went down..

so now, actually a year after the divorce became official, yup, October 4 was the day last year, I am angry... still not so much with my Ex, but more with God...
when counseling I have always very much proclaimed that this is a healthy thing and that God can take it, I know this to be true, I never suppressed any anger, I just wasn't angry...

a months ago or so, after feeling very alone at a "community" event, I realized just how angry I am with the situation I am in... perpetrated by a man who promised to stand by me and never leave me, allowed by the God who has my best interest in mind... yeah right...
I realized I was not okay and I did NOT accept where I was... I don't want to be alone....
so I took matters into my own hands... let's just say... not a good thing... being in that place of anger and disillusion really made me feel miserable... going ahead with dating someone who was not a born again Christian felt good while having a great time over dinners out, but was wrong... I resented that I felt guilty and ashamed and knew in my heart that I needed to put an end to it.. I was angry and decided I didn't care... but... I just couldn't do it.... I told some friends and put an end to it...
I am still ticked off that I am the one who can't just have fun and happiness, that somehow I have to be the one who does everything "right" and always end up paying the price for what other's have done..

there is no way of knowing when we will be done with dealing with the aftermath of this family breaking apart... it just continues to wreak havoc in all our lives... I am sick of it... I cannot see where the good is ...

it bugs me that even though I am writing this I know where some good has come from it all, just looking where God has led me with the Pregnancy Center I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not have been able to follow His calling the way I have now, had I not experienced what I have...
still... weddings, and pictures, and utter loneliness... my daughters growing up... and moving on.. I hate where I am right now...

so, it is delayed, but I am ANGRY... all of this should not have happened... it just was not right... I know all the answers and how it all works out... I believe it all.... but I am ticked off... I really am.

...smile: your mother chose life...

"I feel the greatest destroyer of peace today is “Abortion”, because it is a war against the child… A direct killing of the innocent child, “Murder” by the mother herself… And if we can accept that a mother can kill even her own child, how can we tell other people not to kill one another? How do we persuade a woman not to have an abortion? As always, we must persuade her with love… And we remind ourselves that love means to be willing to give until it hurts…" – Mother Teresa


"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion is already born.”  -Ronald Reagan, and he goes on to say:

"Simple morality dictates that unless and until someone can prove the unborn human is not alive, we must give it the benefit of the doubt and assume it is (alive). And, thus, it should be entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
"Each child is sent into this world by God with a "Unique Message" to deliver, a new personal act of love to bestow"...- John Powell, S.J. , Professor of Theology
Science is helping the cause.. it is getting harder and harder to pretend that there is no real human life , that what we are dealing with is just a blob of tissue... with tiny little video cameras and 3D ultrasounds we have seen a few week old fetuses and we cannot allow the fact that people are not well educated about those things guide their decisions..
someone said instead of trying to convince "Pro- Choice" people we need to share our knowledge with whoever is willing to listen...
this is what is going to make the difference.. and this is what the work at the center is going to be... educating women, allowing them to make a decision based on facts and not on slogans and lies... born not from fear and confusion but rooted in knowledge and truth..
I have been open about the fact that I too had an abortion, my passion to try to educate and pray and support women is born from a deep compassion and understanding.. if anything, I can relate and empathize with what they are feeling... this is why I want to be there for them, this is why we have been training up the volunteers... so that they too can be a fountain of understanding, love and compassion, free from any judgemental feelings, just filled with love for the women...
heard that we will have at least two if not more girls at our door as soon as we open... a great number of girls that just had babies around as well, maybe a Teen moms group is in our near future... as I was driving to the office this morning I thought about how I had been wondering if my typical North American little suburban town would need a place like this.... I guess God knew.. duh... He knows everything...
#SoliDeoGloria

.. a Challenge to fight FOR unity...let's do it!!!

challenged EVERYWHERE to reclaim what the church is all about...  a community of forgiven sinners, only by His strength and grace able to strive to love like He does..
let's stop being Hypocrites preaching to the world about forgiveness and love and failing to live authentically and with integrity doing just that....yes, even inside the church...
slander and gossip, sins as grave as any other sin...my passionate prayer: REMOVE the plank in our own eyes and let us not get upset about the splinter in someone else's eyes... if you have nothing encouraging and edifying to say: STOP talking...check your heart.. pride and selfishness... get rid of it!!!

as the excitement is rising, only 17 sleeps until the Grand Opening of HOPE FOR LIFE PREGNANCY CARE CENTER, as we slowly are starting to grasp what exactly it is that God has called us to in this ministry... which is engaging in the fight to win souls... bringing hope and love and support... ultimately to advance the gospel.... it seems very timely that we are being challenged to be who we are called to be, a light in the darkness ...
to be challenged as in "To summon to action, effort, or use; to stimulate"
the challenge is to LIVE a Christian life, not by pretending to be holier than thou but by authentically walking the talk with humility, mercy and compassion...

what would Jesus do... it is a no brainer... HE is all about forgiveness, love and compassion... no judgement for the repentent sinner... He will remember our sins no more if we confess and turn away from them..
Praying for that kind of attitude to surprise the women that will be coming through the doors of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center... let's, one woman at a time, show them who Jesus is, by "together making the invisible Christ visible"

.... knitted together in the mother's womb....

..today was a tough day, tough stuff to learn about and absorb, disturbing facts and information... leaving after a day of volunteer training exhausted and yet more assured that this team is a match made in heaven.. blessed and thankful.. bonding on a deeper level..
holding the little 10 week old fetus (one of our beautiful fetal models) in my hands while watching some of those videos...don't know why I did that but I was comforted by it, as if I was protecting it from what we learned about... how these little human beings are ripped out of their mother's uterus.. praying that by God's grace we will be instruments he will use to stop this from happening... sharing information and educating women and empowering them to make a better informed decision.. ultimately it is up to Him, He is the One who needs to change the hearts of those poor women, who are overwhelmed by the gravity of the situation  they are finding themselves in... compassion and such a burden for everyone facing this is weighing down my heart...
 no surprise that "everyday, mundane life" seems a little too much coming home.. the cloud of sadness and loneliness descending the moment I enter this house... a family consisting of an angry, unhappy teenager and me... a single parent, assaulted by just that fact.. "single parent"... when did I sign up for that? don't recall this..
God's goodness so evident all day... still there, just maybe hidden behind the Eeyore cloud???
opening up about some of the hurts today... should I be surprised I am being assaulted by the enemy as I am sitting here all by myself... seems that is what I am doing most evenings these days... usually this is more than fine... just today... not so fine...
exciting to be part of something that is apparently angering the enemy in such a way that he is using the most obvious things in our lives.. babies not sleeping through the night, dogs throwing up and loneliness... ha... you have to come up with other ways of discouraging us... because... this is NOT going to stop us, called by Him who is more than able to do whatever he calls us to do through us... we will be victorious, by His grace and His strength... just having to lean in a little deeper... snuggling a little closer into the embrace of the Lover of my Soul... the Saviour... Our Lord Jesus Christ... Praise be to Him !!!!

... trials and tribulations... :S

I wonder if there is anyone else out there that would be so happy if we could find a formula for some consistency, more stability... maybe it is just me, but it seems that just when you thought you dealt with one thing and figured it out for sure the next difficult situation arises...
I think it was James Mc Donald who said that as a Christian you can be sure that you are either in the middle, at the end or right before the next trial... not always huge ones, but something is always going on, he explained that our Father in Heaven is about refining us and he is committed to do that until the day He takes us home....
stomach flu in the house is probably not helping, and so I am not concerned... just tired...
why does a Mother have to be the one to be  called "unfair" and "mean"... not kidding.. I am sure next to God I do love my daughter the most. I am the one that thinks about, prays for her and invests herself most, so that she will grow up to be a healthy adult who will be able to engage in a meaningful journey...
I am tired...  just on Saturday I was telling this wonderful group of volunteers that they can be sure that the enemy is going to try to make them miserable and that we, my partner and I have had quite the share of this in the last 12 months... we are entering into a battle .. and he doesn't like that... the great news is that this battle was won on a Sunday morning almost 2000 years ago, when the tomb was empty ...
this does not mean that it is not real for us and that we have actual things that are going to be hard... but ultimately we are on the winning side... the victory has been won... my teenager is going to turn out okay, even if it will take many more of my hairs to turn grey.. in this situation He too is going to be victorious, He has claimed her as His own, and He won't let her go....
so, a little time off from turmoil for me, maybe???
I would really appreciate it.... please????? relying on Him to give me the strength to go on, what else can one do? at least He is where He promised to be, right here with me.... Praise God!!!

... by your love they will know...

wow... a Sunday school room filled with 13 women... 13 binders, a mac book, a projector, a TV, DVD and VCR player.. coffee, tea, cookies.... and...the HOLY SPIRIT...


truth, information, insight, historical background, statistics, phenomenal images of God's creation, a look into the womb...


little hand scratching tiny face.. little tongue sticking out.. how precious, forms and regulations, policies, ethics and mentoring lessons...


excitement and passion rising to the surface ... like wild water rafting... everyone gets caught up in the exhilaration...


purpose and truth.. no one is there by chance... 

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)


filled to overflowing with a love for Him who calls us, for one another and any woman or man in crisis that will come to us, God willing... that is how we show the world who Jesus really is, that we love them with His love, support and care for them, without judgement, but just with love and as we set apart Christ as Lord in our hearts, we are always  prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks us to give the reason for the hope  and love and joy that we have and we will do this with gentleness and respect... ( 1 Peter 3:15)


Thanking God for a GREAT and ENCOURAGING first day of Volunteer training for Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center.... #SoliDeoGloria

... the "joys" of single hood"... NOT

facebook and other social media sites keep us "middle aged people" on top of the lingo and what's cool with the young people...
some of the things I see and read I do not like... but this morning, very early actually, I found myself thinking "sucks to be me" one of the expressions I do not necessarily enjoy when I see a teenager posting that... but here I was... I felt discouraged and alone and forgotten, not important to anyone.. not important enough anyways to go the extra mile to make something work out for me... and I admit, it was a last minute request and there were other ways of doing it, I guess... not the best way for me, but still, it would have been okay... ( I am not upset with anyone , that's not what this is about )
I had been feeling pretty alone already for a few days.. just don't feel as a single woman I really belong anymore with the happy couples and families... so this morning, really early I just thought.. sucks to be a single woman, without a husband taking care of certain things.. "man things"....

 as I was praying and reading my bible I decided that I couldn't stay there, that I had to tell Him everything that was bothering me and that I had to just give the disappointment and feelings of abandonment to Him... after all, we are told in His Word that He will meet all our needs...I believe that even when I do not feel that way, and so I surrendered it again...
a few hours later a solution came my way out of a totally unexpected corner so to speak... not surprising , if you think about it, isn't He really good at this?
I definitely was blessed that my situation was resolved and that once again my Jesus had come through for me..
still, all day I have not been able to shake that feeling... my friend who is alone now too said something that is just so very true, even though we both would rather have it to be a lie.....
there is a lot of compassion and an outpour of help and concern in the beginning... but then life goes on for everyone, we are doing relatively fine and seem okay... and... then we are left to our own devices... not anyone's fault, just life... wondering what the lesson is for me... going to Him... trying to plan things a little better ahead of time...  not be disappointed that there is not that special someone that is by default my go to person... I realize that my former go to person took really good care of all these things for us.. so the lesson is too that if there is ever another "go to guy" to let him know how good a job he is doing and to cheer him on, because, it really sucks without one...

... being Christ to one another....

I "like" this page called "Jesus" on facebook, and how could I not like it... I love Him... ;)
"He" posts great scripture, challenges, you can post your prayer requests etc... so, nice, I like it.. :D
today, this was one of the early morning posts:


When you are drowning.......I will lift you out.
When you lack faith......I will erase your doubt.
When you are slipping.......I will restore control.
When you are dying.....I will embrace your Soul.
I am your Savior. Will you grab my outreached hand?

this is good news, for both the unbeliever who could be grabbing that hand for the first time, and, it is for us, the believers too....
we feel like we are drowning at times, we lack in faith, we definitely are slipping and we will all die...
will we put our trust in Him every step of the way?
we, the community of believers, if we are honest with ourselves, all struggle with these things once in a while... this is when a sister or brother in Christ needs to remind us... the great part is that this is something we can do for each other, all of us, there is no "I am the more mature one and I will always have that role in your life"... no, it very much is a two way street between any two believers... as long as we are AUTHENTIC and share where we are with someone, without fearing judgement..
following Him for more than 17 years now I am most amazed about the "when you are slipping".. as in taking some tentative steps away... He just comes in, and in His amazing love gently restores....
my love for Him grows day by day....

so today, I will love Him and my "neighbour", I will fear no judgment and be authentic, I will be Christ to whoever allows me to be... and I will gladly receive Christ's love from my FF's.... my fellow followers :D

... taking off the mask... being real..

read a great devotion this morning and a great truth was brought to my attention again: it is the dark places  in our lives that give weight to the Gospel, the broken places, the addictions to pornography, alcohol, drugs, power and control, it is in our propensity to blame and abuse each other, our greed and our depravity, in those places the changes can be seen from where we were to where we are going... the healing and the breaking of chains that happens when we genuinely follow Christ...

unfortunately in churches ( not mine , thanks be to God) these dark places often are not talked about... a mask is put on, a code of behaviour that is acceptable is established and then people hide behind it...

this is when we become hypocrites and the world turns away from us....

when we find the gospel to be true and start to attempt to walk the talk,  it eventually brings us to a place where we must confront our brokenness and admit to ourselves that this is what we are :  both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed.

only then the power of the Gospel will be seen:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
 2 Corinthians 12:9


on the day of the Grand Opening and Dedication Service I will give a short testimony about my abortion, I will, for the first time in front of a huge bunch of people that know me, share this part of my life, one of my dark places... many will be shocked to hear this and some will not be able to handle it... those that are so used to hiding behind their masks will probably judge me.. now, I have decided long ago, when I started sharing this part of my journey, that it didn't matter what people thought... if the God of all Creation forgives me and remembers my sin no more, what does the opinions of people still mean to me...

On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. 1 Thessalonians 2: 4+5

In His grace He has chosen me to be entrusted with the gospel, to share my testimony is allowing others to be vulnerable, come out from behind their masks and allow the healing to take place... I am not trying to please men or women for that matter, I am not trying to become more liked or admired... just to be used by my Saviour who loves me enough to give me a purpose... #SoliDeoGloria

.... life's ups and downs.....

...what a week... so many exciting things, received many boxes of resources and "stuff" for the center... the house next door to the church will be owned by the church end of October and with that... so many exciting possibilities... if it is God's will, for Hope for Life...
sad / exciting moments this week as well.....
my oldest daughter... so grown up and accomplished and a great source of joy and pride... took possession of her own Condo and moved out FOR GOOD :*(
emotions are mixed because I am so happy for her, I also strongly believe that it is the right time for that, and yet... when is there ever a right time for your baby to move out of your "daily" life so to speak..
I remember 5 years ago... when she took the first steps into living her own life.. moving her into residency in Toronto... what I had dreaded so much turned into something not at all like I had imagined... she ended up coming home pretty much every weekend and Mami was a happy camper.. commuting for a few years with a year in an apartment in between.. this is the final step out of the nest... she is in full flight and it is a great thing... if it wasn't that sad as well...
home schooling for my youngest is proving more challenging than we first thought... a melt down, later a cry for help to a wonderful friend which is hopefully going to deal with that....

weekends and nights are the most difficult for a lonely single woman like myself... even the amazing open air service at the Georgetown Fall Fair made it once again painfully clear that I am just that: a single woman...
Well, I still believe that His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future.. which is beyond what I could come up for myself... when is the question...  but I shall trust... what else can one do???

... Dedication Service Oct 16 for Hope for Life....

when I googled "Baby Shower Cup Cakes" I had the hardest time to chose... they were all soooooo cute and colourful...
yesterday I googled this because I was creating an Event on facebook and I wanted to use a cute picture like this...
after a great meeting with my pastor (  he is my shepherd and I am his sheep :D ) I finally was able to get the posters up on the church and now to invite people on facebook to attend the joyous event:
The Grand Opening and Dedication service we will have for Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center on October 16.....

I have personally invited the Mayor and the newspaper to come, my Volunteers know about their role in this, testimonies are lined up and the EXCITEMENT is RISING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I chose the little cupcakes as a picture for the event because we are asking everyone in the congregation to bring a "Baby Shower Gift "  my pastor, being a man and all .. ;) was concerned if it  was a good idea to let the gifts be brought to the altar as a part of the Dedication... he didn't want to do it if there would only be a handful of gifts.. well, I told him that, like every other woman, I am excited to get a baby gift... ( I thank my friends for having babies and allowing me to go shopping for one :)
I am counting on a beautiful display of our generosity that Sunday.. I can see all the colourful bags in the front, a display of our commitment to bless the women of Halton Hills  and their babies...

As a church and as a community it is a privilege for us to be in a place where we can bless others... every good and perfect gift comes from above, we have been given our abilities, our jobs, our finances from the One who provides and from whom all blessings flow...

my prayer is that He will be pleased with the outward display of putting our heart where our treasure is, by leaving a gift at the altar for someone who will be delighted to receive it one day and also make a statement that as Christians we DO care about what is happening outside our church walls... that the love we have for others in need is genuine...

I cannot wait to see all this unfold on October 16.... be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( and bring a gift!!!)

... nothing earth shattering...

2 days of "home schooling" have gone by... I think it is working pretty well... yes it is boring, but stuff gets done... the goal, be done with this Semester Dec 14.... wow. we will see.
volunteer work set up for her... a whole day in the Kindergarten classroom at the Christian School each week.. wonderful.. making a difference, ( the theme this year...) so happy she can be back there a bit again this semester.. such a great place.
looks like life just continues to go on... no big lessons, no big lows or highs... each day a full array of choices, overwhelming sometimes.. annoying other times.. and then there are the heartbreaking moments.. but also the little joys..
and then, we are so blessed, we do not have to worry about where our next meal will come from, or if we can find shelter in the night.. we don't have to watch our step so as not to step on a land mine and lose our life,  our children are not forced into sex slavery and we have not been raped in front of them... our houses burnt down and everything taken from us.
I'd say, we have so many reasons to be content and thankful. after all  our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
there are people that do not believe that there is an eternity and they are flippantly dismissing my faith... there are those that like the fantasy that God is love and that everyone is going to be allowed to spent eternity with Him... well, we all will see, right?
I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, because I know that this is the truth... all who believe in Him and that He paid for our sins will have life everlasting... that's what I am going for... :)

...the BLAMING GAME....

when we are blaming others, we are saying that the others are responsible for our happiness  / well being / joy....

after Eve had been deceived by the serpent  and her and Adam were now hiding from God, having already lost what made the Garden of Eden "Paradise" : intimate fellowship with God, no fear...  when found by God started what is our downfall still today.... the BLAMING GAME.....

The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

funnily enough, the punishment for disobeying God's only NO was still given to all 3 of them... the serpent, the woman and the man.....
The Holy and Righteous God of the Universe was not influenced or even agreed with or took into consideration what Adam and Eve said in their defence, pointing the finger at someone else....

there is quite the lesson for us in this.... we all will be judged according to our own behaviour... no matter the : He made me do it... she started it... if he hadn't been this way... if those people just didn't make so many mistakes I wouldn't have gossiped about it... He, God Almighty, who knows EVERYTHING anyways.... judges each one for what they have decided to do.... we are given a choice, each time anything happens to us or around us... to do what is right or to just react out of our human nature...
and sin... we will be held accountable and there are going to be consequences for our own sin, there will be no: "oh he started it, so , sure... you had no choice..."
this is just not how God functions, He is too just and too holy to do that....

another aspect of the blaming game actually puts God in a box and makes Him real small.... I am only in this situation because of someone else's actions... you think????? how does God's sovereignty play into this then???
He is the ONE in control and He could have prevented what happened from happening.... easily... so if He didn't... He has a purpose... He is teaching us something... and, because He loves us like no other, it is for our best...

a marriage, a family, the workplace, the church, our government.... everywhere things will happen we do not like, disagree with, that hurt us, make us angry.... but we have been given a choice... what are we going to do with it... are we going to choose to walk through it in obedience and allow God to refine us through it or are we going to play the blaming game and engage in disobedience in the process ( and that would be unforgiveness, revenge, gossip) which will lead us astray, away from God...
it's a choice and we need to make it over and over again.....

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ( John 15: 4-6)

Let's, by His grace, remain in Him and obey... no more finger pointing!!!!!

...a reminder of His faithfulness

have been busy getting stuff done for Hope for Life, very exciting ...

at the office early, taking some time with my Saviour.. my study bible has been my companion for the last 17 years, underlined everywhere, notes in the margins.. in it's carrying bag it contains all that is important in my life,  pages with meaningful scriptures written out, my testimony written down and letters and notes given to me with encouraging scriptures and such..

lately, over the last 3 years or so, this great bible has been falling apart... the hard cover is totally gone and it is really disintegrating now.. even the leather bag is not functioning properly anymore..

I do have new bibles, but I so far I have not been able to retire this one...
it seems there are so many meaningful entries and reminders of dear moments in there, all that God has taught me through these years has somehow been documented right in there...

at one point in time I started to copy all my notes and underlinings into a new bible... I gave up... I want to stick to my beloved old one... I might get it rebound.. someone said you can do that..
when I leaf through the pages of my old companion I am reminded how God met me in His Word, I am reminded of His faithfulness..

-like when the LORD told Joshua to have a representative of the 12 tribes to each get 12 stones from where the Israelites crossed the river Jordan with the Ark of the Covenant and take them as a reminder so that they could tell their children about how God had cut off the flow of the Jordan so that the Ark and the people of Israel could cross over the river of Jordan-

my bible is a reminder of the many times He, through His Word provided me with the needed encouragement, conviction and comfort... in the margins I recorded what it meant to me and I am blessed  when I read it again... I will stick to it, I will be loyal and not discard it, it might be old and tattered, but I love it... maybe one day it will be a reminder to my children and their children of who I was and what I stood for... a close and intimate relationship with my Jesus and His Word and a commitment to stick to it and all it stands for...

... I was there, you know.....

thankfully God is sovereign, and thankfully I do not question that at all... it is what I believe to be true...
if that wasn't the case I would have to explore the following:
most of us would agree that the best thing about a broken marriage is that there is a child now that otherwise wouldn't have been there...
then again, here comes my experience, without ever so much questioning the truth of this statement...if there wasn't a child, breaking up would be so much easier...
I have been exposed to more "visible signs" that I and my time with my Ex husband, not an insignificant amount of time either, 17 1/2 years, has been ERASED completely,  than I care for... I have been REPLACED and I might as well have dropped right off the face of the earth because: there is no more evidence around... oh, right, my kids, well, they somehow exist but tada.... they must have come out of thin air... wow...
it hurts, I have to admit, it does...
today, even though I know that God is sovereign, I also know that He loves me and my kids, I know that I am not insignificant and that the last 20 years of my life have had some kind of impact... I am kind of sick of all of this..
so. no uplifting conclusion, just me, I do exist, maybe not in the "history books" of my Ex's family... I have been replaced, down to the smallest detail.... I AM the mother of my children and I am the one who has and still is bringing them up by God's grace, I WAS the wife at my husband's side who supported and strengthened him in times when the going was tough, I was there when decisions were made, problems were dealt with and difficult times were lived through..I was there in the fun and the good times ... was I?
it sucks... it does... and it has nothing to do with new happiness that can be found now or anything like that...
it is just not nice and I am not wishing that on anyone, still, even there I do not even have a say and have to see it happen to someone very dear..
I know that God is in control, and that is a good thing, I know that He is ultimately not going to let anyone off the hook, even when it might look like that right now...
so sorry.... I can't wait for the dust of the last few weeks to settle..... I do really just want to be lifted out of this... please????
... and, yes, I know that this is nothing compared to other most horrific stuff going on everywhere... so forgive me for complaining... I will get over this too...
oh, and before I forget, I am tremendously blessed to have my daughters...and all of my friends... I am  blessed to have a longing for heaven and know that I am going to be there one day and that there all the brokenness will be restored.. I am blessed to have a friend like Jesus... after all, He even died for me... my name is engraved in the palm of my Father's hand... He will never forget or erase me.. replace me or anything like that...
dang, He just won't let me wallow... He always comes through, even on a day like today....
okay... thank you Lord... you are the bestest!!!!!!!!!

...it's all foolishness....

sick still, even had to cancel a nice getaway with a few very close friends... :(
I have been sick quite a bit lately... some interaction today with someone who cares about me and is very dear to me but so obviously does not share my faith made it clear to me again that ( no surprises here) what the Bible says is SO TRUE!!!!!

"This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.  The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit." (1 Corinthians 2:13+14)

I do believe that mind, soul and body are all inter-connected and one.. makes a lot of sense to me, I think that especially as someone who understands that there is the seen and the unseen world, and they both exist at all times, it makes sense that emotional stress could be weakening one's immune system and vice versa... no question about that...
so that's what made this well meaning person to tell me again that I was not dealing with things and that me saying I was well / fine / good... was a mistake and that those things here on earth are not something God deals with, because they are down here and too small anyways... and that's why I am sick, again...

now this is someone that has heard me share about my personal relationship and that my Jesus is someone that is right here with me and is intricately involved with all the details of my life, small or big.. and still, it makes no sense to him,  it's foolishness...

he also cannot understand that I am dealing with things in the only way I think is right, by giving it to God, by forgiving and letting go, by following Him as good as I can, with His help .... this includes accepting that living life here on earth includes heartache, hurt, sadness, pain and illness...
accepting that going through these times is okay and that I do not have to find some solution to fix the problem on my own by analyzing it away but that I instead just surrender all my cares to Him and trust that He will take care of me, be either solving what can be solved, show me how to solve things or by patiently enduring the sorrow and heartache...

I guess without the spirit life is only about the here and now and therefore finding solutions and fixes for anything that stands in the way of total enjoyment is so much more important...
I know that my citizenship is in heaven and that my real destination is there... whatever God allows me to suffer is only going to make me more like Him, will allow me to be a better ambassador for Him....

I think today's conversation was just to remind me again that without God "letting ears grow on one's heart" opening someone's eyes by saving them, all that He has taught me, the wisdom He has given me is nothing but FOOLISHNESS to them.... sad  but true...

it is all Him, never anything I could say.... He is the One that has to take the blinders away.... and there is nothing I can do for things being interpreted in the wrong way, talked about behind my back...
they just don't know any better... praying that they will one day, not for my but for their sake...

... it is ok to not be okay...

one of my fav pastors, a guy named Pete Wilson, a pastor in Nashville, challenged his facebook friends today by saying " Let's be real today... it is ok to not be ok" .... ha....
kind of sad that a pastor would have to say that to his friends, mainly you would think Christians, maybe even from his church... one lady commented that in her experience the church was not a safe place to not be okay...

as someone who likes history, my mind always tries to figure out what happened, in regards to the church, Jesus by His dealings with sinners made it pretty clear that He was very understanding and full of mercy and grace.. His death was the ultimate proof that this is what He was all about... grace, open arms for us, the sinners, and that we are justified through what He did, we are people stuck in this world, not ok, yet loved, accepted  by Him...so what happened?

I think people happened... people, well meaning people for sure, needed to find some way to control what was going on... people like you and me, believers, struggling to trust and just take what His word says at face value and stick to it... instead people came up, and still do today, with rules and regulations and created an environment where it was again (like in Jesus' times, the Pharisees) not ok to be not ok....

man made rules, made up to control what people were doing.... not trusting God, really putting Him in a box... making Him very small....
because, being not ok is ok, not because it is okay to sin,  but because He loves us and is fully aware how broken we are, because of what He did we are forgiven, His spirit in us will never give up on transforming us and making us more and more like Him....

trusting Him for what He has promised and relying on His strength to be transformed... not out of our own strength... if we do that, we do not have to feel that we need to control whats happening around us, we will not judge others and we will be free from condemnation, even if others (even in the church) are judging us...

there is power in transparency, being authentic and admitting not to be ok allows others to see how God is working in our lives... so please, of all places, be ok to not be ok in your church...... admitting things are not okay is difficult, pride has to be put aside... good lesson I think... fear of condemnation...if we know who we are in Christ  that shouldn't bother us... rather we can enjoy the acceptance of the genuine body of Christ... what blessing and freedom in being real... so let's be real, not just today, but always!