.. in the 17 and a bit years of being a follower of Christ, and because of my make up.. I am a logical thinker.. I have come to deal with things a certain way.. I have learned to accept things that I cannot change and trust that God knows best...well, this is not a bad thing, but, I am realizing now that this is why I am feeling the way I feel right now..
the last 2 + years have been horrifyingly difficult.. the stuff that has happened has been heart wrenching and immensely painful.
wanting so much to be who God wants me to be I accepted all that came my way and tried to deal with it as well as I understood at the time..
when I found out about the affair my husband had, I confronted him and forgave... I wanted to do whatever it took to make this work out... when he left anyways, I accepted it as a bad choice that was causing hurt and has many consequences, by someone who didn't know any better... I forgave... and accepted the pain...
when going to Divorce Care a year ago I realized that I had never been angry, but I was not going to fake anger, there just was none... I knew anger wouldn't make a difference so I must have just decided to accept when all this went down..
so now, actually a year after the divorce became official, yup, October 4 was the day last year, I am angry... still not so much with my Ex, but more with God...
when counseling I have always very much proclaimed that this is a healthy thing and that God can take it, I know this to be true, I never suppressed any anger, I just wasn't angry...
a months ago or so, after feeling very alone at a "community" event, I realized just how angry I am with the situation I am in... perpetrated by a man who promised to stand by me and never leave me, allowed by the God who has my best interest in mind... yeah right...
I realized I was not okay and I did NOT accept where I was... I don't want to be alone....
so I took matters into my own hands... let's just say... not a good thing... being in that place of anger and disillusion really made me feel miserable... going ahead with dating someone who was not a born again Christian felt good while having a great time over dinners out, but was wrong... I resented that I felt guilty and ashamed and knew in my heart that I needed to put an end to it.. I was angry and decided I didn't care... but... I just couldn't do it.... I told some friends and put an end to it...
I am still ticked off that I am the one who can't just have fun and happiness, that somehow I have to be the one who does everything "right" and always end up paying the price for what other's have done..
there is no way of knowing when we will be done with dealing with the aftermath of this family breaking apart... it just continues to wreak havoc in all our lives... I am sick of it... I cannot see where the good is ...
it bugs me that even though I am writing this I know where some good has come from it all, just looking where God has led me with the Pregnancy Center I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not have been able to follow His calling the way I have now, had I not experienced what I have...
still... weddings, and pictures, and utter loneliness... my daughters growing up... and moving on.. I hate where I am right now...
so, it is delayed, but I am ANGRY... all of this should not have happened... it just was not right... I know all the answers and how it all works out... I believe it all.... but I am ticked off... I really am.
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