... processing the weekend: TAKE ONE...

..didn't take my laptop, didn't really have internet most of the time... took some notes of what was happening everyday because there was so much going on...
arrived this afternoon and my girls, all three of them were actually at home tonite... one of them is leaving tomorrow for another visit with her Oma... so we went out for dinner to celebrate all 4 of us being together in the same country..
someone suggested the kids should take numbers because there was so much to talk about...
processing a weekend like the last ... not an easy thing to do... in the end, we all are glad that this is behind us... I am just thankful that they made it through being okay... prayers were answered and God was, OBVIOUSLY, faithful, like He always is...
looking back on my weekend I realize it will take a long time for me to process what I experienced... all I can say right now is that I  am overwhelmed by the love He sent my way from the moment I stepped on the first plane  until I left Buffalo Airport today....
it feels like God, my Abba Father picked me up in His arms and showered me with all the wonderful things I could ever imagine for the whole 5 days... I have never experienced such hospitality and sincere love from people that hardly knew me... special revelations from Him, tremendous Worship times, His people going out of their way to bless me...
after experiencing the way He looked after me and blessed me beyond belief I am more sure than before that He loves me and that He is indeed a trustworthy Father, friend and lover of my soul...
He has been revealing some things to me about the plans He has for me that have put my longings and occasional self pity into perspective... He IS in control of all things and His purpose can never be thwarted... by NO ONE.. leaving my children in His capable arms was not as hard as I had expected... and even if they might not quite experience Him the way I do (YET) He still is all that for them too..... all we will ever need..... #Blessedbeyondbelief

..till death do us part...

...one week from today the man who promised to love me until death would tear us apart is going to make this same promise again... even the best man is going to be the same one.... my daughters will be at this joyous event and many of the people that one day were friends of "us".....
as the day approaches I would be lying if I were to say that I am totally fine... the truth is, I am, in regards to him no longer being my husband, to him moving on so quickly, I am, I am fine with that... I am actually relieved that I am no longer in an "existence of pain" but rather in the process of moving "through the pain"  nearing the end of it... so, all this is good, but I would still be lying if I said it didn't make me sad ... I know that my girls are going to have an awkward time and it is going to be hurtful for them to have to be a part of a ceremony that will just manifest once again that the family that was their security and meant to be a strong foundation, no longer exists... no news for them but sharing in a day like this will bring it right to the surface... difficult to say the least... I wish I could be there for them but they will have to face this one alone, not alone, but without me ... love them so much , my girls ...
heading to Nashville on Wednesday and looking forward to it so much... so thankful to be blessed this way....
today some wonderful people painted the office of Hope for Life... so exciting , measured the Care Closet for the shelving we will get put in...I have boxes full of beautiful baby clothes in my basement waiting to be sorted and put out.... all is starting to shape up, God is so good... a year ago this was a thought that was starting to form, now it is becoming reality...
Prince Charming hasn't shown up yet, he might never, but right now that is a good thing I think, really need to be there for those that do love me and need me around... and for those that need encouragement and help that I haven't even met yet... what a privilege to be of use.. so thankful for the purpose God has for my life... for His continued love and support... His blessings and provision.... the abundant life that He has promised...  and the fact that He does keep them... the promises that is... #SoliDeoGloria

.... the lover that never forsakes...

... today is July 18th...  one year and 7 months after the final break down of my marriage...
for the last 2 months or so I have been able to say that I think I am actually realizing I am fine.... it is still kind of weird for me to say that... kind of like when you have been sick for so long and you are surprised to be healthy again... especially because it seemed like something that didn't cease to shock me and leave me baffled... for a long, long time...
I remember saying to myself whenever thinking of the whole thing before ( which happened a lot... and now not any more..hallelujah) "I can't believe he did that"....
somehow I am no longer baffled... no longer hurt even... weird to say that... never had anything that hurtful happen to me and really see it being healed... so I guess that explains my surprise...
for me, this is just one more proof that God is actually really doing what He says... He tells us to be obedient and forgive and He will deal with the emotions and heal us...
as the wedding of my Ex husband is approaching I am finding myself to be totally fine with this...
I am not saying that what he did was right, and I still believe that God does not want marriages and families to fall apart, but, when people in our lives choose to sin, and we forgive them, He is faithful and heals our wounds...
I am also not saying that I am not still confronted with the consequences , especially as my children are each on their own path to healing, I am also not saying that there is not a certain regret and sadness that I believe will always be there... I am just so thankful that God has come through for me once again.
 not only has He been there all along, walking alongside me on the path to healing that led me to the deepest depths of pain, but He has kept His promise... He has restored the years the locusts have eaten...
the best thing about this is that I am not feeling this way because the man in my life has been replaced and some man is now making me happy, not at all, it is a state of contentment and joy, of realizing that my life is blessed, that I am loved and accepted... that I am never alone and that living pursuing my God given purpose in life , growing in my relationship with Jesus and persevering on the path that He has laid out for me in itself is fulfilling and a gift from Him...
I am surprised that it didn't take longer for this to happen... I am so thankful...
yesterday in church we sang one of my favorite songs.... Jesus, Lover of my Soul....
it is almost 9 years ago that my cousin was killed in a car accident... she was only 29 and had a little son... the only thing that brought me comfort at this time of grief was this song..

Jesus, Lover of my soul,

Jesus, I will never let you go

You’ve taken me from the miry clay

You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know

I love you, I need you,

Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go

My Saviour, my closest friend,

I will worship you until the very end

I realized as I was singing this song yesterday that even then He was teaching me and preparing me for what was going to happen... to cling to Him no matter what happens around us... to pursue Him and hold on to Him, trusting that when I didn't even have the strength to hold on to Him anymore He indeed would never let me go.....

I decided then and there that I would always worship Him, no matter what happened... I accepted His sovereignty and decided to believe that even in death His plans are always the best for us.

I thank Him for giving me this kind of faith... I never questioned Him knowing best... even when I couldn't  see what could be good about what was happening in our lives...

speak about believing that there is light at the end of the tunnel when you have no way of seeing even a glimpse of it....

He has never disappointed me and I am in awe of His great love.... it is, I am sure, something that will never change, it is what He wants me to tell other's about... it is all in His Great Master Plan... in His great love He saves us and gives us a purpose... He sustains us and carries us... He gives us so much more than any human being could ever give us... we need to let one another off the hook... how can a bunch of broken, sinful people ever be able to treat one another well enough, without hurting one another? let's face it, that is just not going to happen this side of heaven... so I am choosing to do it God's way... try to with His strength do my best and let go of the hurts that I am sure will continue to come my way... after all, who else can I rely on? so far  His advice has always worked out for me...

#SoliDeoGloria

.... the longings fulfilled....

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God... and His righteousness....

our hearts are longing... for  healthy relationships and closeness, for excitement, for fun and satisfaction, for success and pleasure... even for knowing Him more, for serving Him, for knowing the plan He has for our lives, our purpose.....

but rather than focusing on those longings, we are called to seek the Kingdom of God...

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:14 +17)


In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. ( John 1:1-5+14)

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. ( Jeremiah 29:12-14)

Seeking the Kingdom of God... He is there, He will be found... He who brought the light, He is the Word, the Word became flesh... knowing Him, seeking His kingdom and His righteousness, finding satisfaction and joy in the morning.... we need to come before Him, engage in a relationship, know Him, and since He is the Word become flesh there is such an easy way to do that...
seeking Him in the scriptures He will speak to us directly, His Spirit communicating with the Holy Spirit within us and giving us all we need, filling us up with His love, with joy, with direction, with purpose, His Spirit never giving up on us, slowly changing us and growing the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts...
there is so much to be gained by seeking Him first each day... we say He is our life, our best friend.... spending time with Him can be a delight... not a duty....  a time with the One whose unfailing love will never ever leave us....

Seek first the Kingdom of God... Seek Him in the morning, and let Him fill you with His love
#SoliDeoGloria

... perhaps love is like a shelter.....

Love... the deepest longing, to mean something to someone else, to belong, to matter.... it seems like the bigger part of all popular songs are talking about love... it is a mystery and we all want it....

good for us if the first two people in our life have loved us well, our parents, we do not wonder quite as much if we are worthy being loved... constant rejection and hurt seems to make the quest for love so much more important..... security, comfort, self worth all wrapped up in those two most significant relationships... then,  as life goes on we get hurt because those that we thought loved us walked away or replaced us, just didn't want us anymore, maybe never loved us.... 

but....consider this:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ( 1 John 4:10)

if we have met Jesus, and have accepted His gift of salvation... we are sure that He loves us and we cannot help but love Him....the longing is fulfilled... the hole in our hearts filled with Him and His love..

it saddens me to see how we struggle with finding this love here on earth when the expectations we have are God given, only to be met by Him.... they are there to keep us searching for Him.... because He alone loves perfectly, without selfishness and sin....

and still.... there is love to be found here and this again is a gift from the One from whom all blessings flow... going to Him in the morning and having my heart filled up with His love allows me to love well and to feel so loved by whoever God has put in my life.. no matter how imperfectly this person will love... it  will lead to a heart overflowing with love... I love that thought...

Perhaps love is like a resting place

A shelter from the storm

It exists to give you comfort

It is there to keep you warm

And in those times of trouble

When you are most alone

The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window

Perhaps an open door

It invites you to come closer

It wants to show you more

And even if you lose yourself

And don't know what to do

The memory of love will see you through

Oh, love to some is like a cloud

To some as strong as steel

For some a way of living

For some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on

And some say letting go

And some say love is everything

And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean

Full of conflict, full of change

Like a fire when it's cold outside

Or thunder when it rains

If I should live forever

And all my dreams come true

My memories of love will be of you.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ( Romans 8:38-39)

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all those things will be given unto you.... 

life was never supposed to be without Him as our top priority..... # SoliDeoGloria

... facing the bad and the ugly....

..Come see... come see with spirit eyes.....
a weekend that did not bring out the best in me... I have to admit it... thankful for the "deposit" that has been made in my heart... to guarantee my inheritance until the day of Christ Jesus... the Spirit.... revealing to me my short comings.. had a 24  hour window where: "why do I always have to do what is right for everyone else" won the battle.... decided not to and hurt my daughter's feelings....
allowing some deep and hidden stuff in her to come to the surface... and again... He never wastes our bad decisions....He is so wonderful.... that's the sunny, making everyone feel fine so that she can feel at peace, one... confronted with the fact that there are big things that are not fine... good for her to see that she too, even though she really did not want to go there, needs to face how the break up of the only family she has known has affected her....
oh the ripple effect... it makes me feel sick... the bad choices I have made along the way... even though forgiven by God for them, it breaks my heart how my dear unsuspecting children have been hurt by them...
...others have added their mistakes... in all of this, He still is sovereign... now to wrap your head around that one... :S

yesterday was a great day otherwise though, church was once again what it needs to be.... expressing to Him how important He is, spending time worshipping Him and being filled with His Word... then, the Volunteer training... a great group of women, a lot of God given wisdom ... understanding shared about what this life is all about...

news flash, it is NOT about "white picked fence happiness".... that's not why we are here... that's not even why we are going to be opening the doors of the Pregnancy Center in September...
 it is to point people to Him, who alone has the answers to our questions... who is the real reason we are here... who we get to know better as the bad choices and the sinfulness that are a fact of this broken world assault us... who is the only Hope for Life we have... life abundant and life eternal...

watching your children grow up and mature... a blessing but also hard.. very hard... especially when guilt that has already been nailed to the cross could be the outcome... now that is not what God has in mind for anyone....
heard something very good and encouraging yesterday: we all are children of the perfect parent, God... and see how we are struggling... He never has made any mistakes and yet, we are rebellious, stubborn and just don't get it right.... He let's us figure it out... after asking my daughter  for forgiveness and promising her to be the one who will do what is right for everyone else next time her father comes to visit and acts accordingly, I am now just letting go of my need to control things so that my child is happy and let her figure it out... my prayer is that she will learn to go to her perfect father.... the One who is mine as well..... because He will never let her down, like I did yesterday...
#SoliDeoGloria

...the heat is rising... get out of the pot and be holy

when reading the Word throughout our lives as followers of Christ.. drawing close to Him, getting to know Him better, it is inevitable to understand more and more that even though He loved us when we were still His enemies, even though He knew of all the sins we would commit in our life time on this earth and paid for all of them when He gave His life on the cross, even though He will always welcome us back after we have turned away and gone astray for a while..... even though all of this is true... His Word tells us again and again that we too need to be Holy, like He is Holy....

overwhelming and unattainable without Him, still extremely hard with His Spirit in us...

wondering if in the big scheme of things the Lord also allows others to sin against us so that we can get a better understanding of how Satan really works... how subtle he is in deceiving us...

together with a dear friend who finds herself in a similar situation, trying to process what happened, it became clear to me that the sinning, the utter disregard of what we know is right, is not something that happens randomly all of a sudden... rather it is the consequence of slowly drifting away, distancing ourselves from God and buying into one little lie at a time...

 this is why this is so very dangerous... this is why we all are more than capable of all the sins out there, even though we might not want to admit it...
the husband starting an affair did not get up from His amazing quiet time with His Lord , celebrating His vibrant relationship with Jesus.... just to make a 180 degree turn and dismiss all he ever believed in...
no, it must have been a slow process of accepting things as okay that were  in the " grey area"

be holy... be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14

when walking down the slippery slope of disobedience, at first we are just giving in a little bit to something... the escape route is still pretty wide...and easily accessible... each lie we believe takes us further down the road that leads away from God.. and the window we could climb through to escape becomes so small, the effort to squeeze ourselves through ends up to just be too much... in the end... we just take the last little plunge... it is not such a big step anymore...

so what are we to do... we need to be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

and... we need to pray this...
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

and deal with it... repent... walk away, stop before, like the frog in the pot of water on the stove is slowly getting used to the heat and dies, we are so okay with sinfulness that committing that sin is no biggie anymore....

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do;  for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
1 Peter 1:14-16

#SoliDeoGloria

.... "There She Stands" by Michael W Smith...

I have to apologize to my Canadian friends...  I am so thankful for having been able to live in this wonderful country for the last 19 years, I became a Canadian in 2004, and I am proudly voting whenever I can, pay my taxes and studied all about the provinces and everything... have never been out West, but all the way to Prince Edward Island... all I have seen is beautiful and it is such a privilege to live here...

today, though, is the 4th of July... and, listening to the man sing about this neighbour country of ours, who plays the strings of my heart like no one ever has or ever will ( yes, that's what I believe... I will gladly allow myself to be proved wrong :).... singing  "there she stands"... with a music video that has no comparison... ( something to be learned here Lady Gaga and fans :S ) tears well up and my heart resonates in a way that I cannot comprehend or explain...

thinking about this on Canada Day.... born a German.. chosen to leave my roots behind, I have embraced what I think is my citizenship in Heaven... this is not my home, neither is Germany... nor even the United States of America, even though I cannot lie... I would love to live there one day... Franklin Tennessee really sounds like a great place to me right now..... ;)

we are not of this world yet called to live in it... for one reason only.. to share the Good News with those that do not know and freely share His love with others... this is wherever he will call us to be and do that..
working on the finishing touches of the website for Hope for Life today, I am in awe and full of excitement again at the opportunity... so, it doesn't matter.... Hope for Life in Georgetown, Ontario or Miriam's Promise in Nashville, TN.... ( yeah... that's what they have there... now if that is not a sign I want to see one...) or an orphanage in South Africa or an agency working fiercely to stop Human trafficking in India.... when He asks me " who will go?" my answer is: "me... use me...."  Because I want to be right smack in the middle of His will for me... because I am sure that this is the very bestest ever place for anyone who loves the Lord like I do!!!!

in the meantime I am getting busy with what He has entrusted me with for now.... so exciting!!!!!!!!!
#SoliDeoGloria

.. @MichaelWSmith in 36 days... GOD is GOOD all the time

Canada's Birthday today... 144 years... do you know that the little 1000 people village I come from in one forgotten valley of the Black Forest was first mentioned sometime 1000 AD????? so sorry, I cannot relate...but, anyways, I am thankful and blessed to have spent the last 19 years in Canada...

trying to figure out what we were usually doing on Canada Day we came to the conclusion that very often, even last year, we were at the cottage... this year, no cottage, one daughter on a fun road trip with her Dad, for a week, so much fun, I am very happy for her... and then, the other two, we had a nice late breakfast on the patio... did some tanning... but now they are both gone... to see the boyfriends... and I am happy for them, even encouraged them to go... sweet girls....

God knew that I felt a little lonely and left out today... and, He prepared some piece of amazing news for me today... it could have been announced yesterday, or tomorrow... or any other day.... but it was put on facebook today...

so , when coming inside because it was just a bit too hot, I went online and I saw it.... it could not have been any better news for me... there is nothing that could have made me feel more loved and taken care of....... today Michael W Smith's Event Manager, a great guy called Derek, put it up..... there is a concert in Franklin, Tennessee, at the Franklin Theatre, a concert to benefit the theatre... by, you guess it I am sure, Michael W. Smith.... this concert is on August 6, 2011.....

it makes me cry to think that once again my God has cared enough to meet ALL my needs, not necessary, because I would have been fine, but so very precious.... once again, He is using one of His followers, the one the has used the most in touching my heart in my journey of turmoil of the last 2 years,
to be there to minister to me on a very difficult day, the day my Ex husband is getting married...

I am so much better, but it is to be expected that this is going to be a difficult day... so now, I don't just get to go and do something fun with friends... I get to travel to Nashville, to Franklin, for a few days and on the day get to enjoy a concert of the World's bestest ever Artist, in his hometown... missed the weekend there with him, because of my little daughter's health scare... but now am rewarded in such a way... it blows me away... I am crying... because, let's face it..... isn't He just so wonderful to me?

... better is one day in your courts...

a little more than a year has gone by since I started blogging, inspired by one of the new friends I had made after embarking on this journey of Miriam, the single woman...
288 posts later , that's crazy, here I am....
proud mother of three wonderful daughters, who have grown up and matured tremendously in the last 12 months... all three of them a daily delight for me...
loving daughter of my wonderful mother, love more freely shared and expressed since almost losing her 3 months ago... forgiveness and full reconciliation .....
connected a lot more to both my brother and my sister... learning more and more about grace and accepting people for who they are...... ( duh... about time... )
thankful to my friends, and to the One who gave them to me....
Director of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center, which will be opening it's doors God willing in September 2011... a ministry the Lord had placed on my heart years ago...
strengthened in my faith,  refined a bit more... impurities, some of them at least, brought to the surface and skimmed off... shaped and formed a little bit more into His likeness I hope through walking with Him like never before...
still trying to figure out charting the waters of "singlehood" a little scary and very confusing at times... but He will lead me and guide me in this area as well...
looking back coming up with a theme is not very hard.... forgiveness and trust...
forgiving, a daily habit, trusting Him more and more each day when you cannot make out the light at the end of the tunnel and only your faith tells you it is there.... helps very much with the day to day trust in "normal" circumstances...
I knew, believed it, that there would be a time when I would be able to look back and see the good in all the bad and could full heartedly thank God for entrusting me with the hardship....
I know He knew that I could handle it, He allowed it to show me that I could, He allowed it to burn away unnecessary stuff in me... to make me more like Him, to show me just how much I really needed Him, to reveal to me how much He loved me and how trustworthy He really is.... wow....
I didn't enjoy some of the process, but I am thankful for it...
My God reigns... the Creator of the Universe is my refuge and my rock, He leads me to quiet waters to restore my soul, for His name's sake... surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.... better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere... and that's just the truth.... #SoliDeoGloria

.... the Affection of Jesus....

learned something new in church today... no new facts, but a thought and a feeling was given a name... straight from the WORD!!!!
had read this passage many times before..  never picked up on it before though...Philippians 1 : 3-11.... talks about the "affection of Jesus"
so excited to be able to put a name to the tremendous love I feel for so many people in my life...
since becoming a Christian I have encountered many fellow believers and have felt that overwhelmingly intense love for them, pure and wholesome, it still has left me at my wit's end sometimes because I didn't know what to do with it... reaching out with encouraging words, acts of service and help and a commitment to pray for them, delighting in their company... all of that sometimes just didn't seem to be enough....

truth is I love them with the affection of Jesus.... how exciting is that.... the most wonderful kind of love there is, Agape love, totally unconditional and selfless... a sacrificing love... a love that does not expect anything in return... but out of this love one is willing to lay down his life .. giving of my time and attention freely....
He loves us like this.... He did give His life... He is intimately involved in our lives, willing to give us all His attention and all the help and support we ever need....

 2 years ago, after my heavenly Father gently had led me through the 13th chapter of Corinthians, burning away any selfish fiber in my heart ( like only He can )... any expectation and demand... when by showing me how I had failed to love my husband the way He had wanted me to, He enabled me to do a better job loving like this...

it baffled all my brothers and sisters in Christ back then, why God would have done that only for it being too late, for him to walk away anyways... wondering why the timing seemed to be so off...
well, with God nothing is ever off.... I think He purified my heart, taught me even in a marriage setting to love His way and then released me..  for such a time as this... my future, my hope... the marvellous plans He has for me... I am loving my mother, my sister with this love again, and even my Ex husband ... never had a problem to love my kids that way... and my fellow Christians....

prepared for a new life with the man that God has for me... it fills me with excitement... and anticipation...  (patience  still an issue sometimes  :(  )... but I know that He is good... He  always is....

the affection of Jesus... such a wonderful, wonderful thing.... such a precious gift, undeserved and all consuming... filled up inside with it... it is a privilege to share it.... #SoliDeoGloria

..... tossed to and fro......

the early morning frenzy... making smoothies, lunch, cutting up fruit for snacks, feeding dogs, and getting all but the dogs out of the door is once again done for a whole week.... wow...

sitting down with my puppy on the couch to entice her to eat her food... ( because otherwise she will not eat until later at night and then wake me up at least twice to have something to drink and then pee, in the middle of the night... ) I am praying and thanking God for the new day... I am praising Him for the fact that this time the feeling of
 " I guess I am really getting over this finally" is not just a short lived peak just to fall back into some pit of sadness......

looking back, sharing my "vast experience" ( :S ) with a friend who is going through it now too, the statement that the healing does not come as a nice slowly moving up kind of process but rather this up and down roller coaster that has you trying to hold on for dear life it moves so uncontrollably fast... is such a TRUE statement....

it seems that after some time and some healing work by the Healer this little tiny vessel called Miriam has entered smoother waters... realizing that there is no quick fix and that one of the things one needs to be committed to is to live all the ups and downs and continue to trust God, even though depending in what direction  and how high up you are being tossed, you might wonder if He is really there.....

after that Wild Water Ride of the last 2 years I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He indeed is at work even when we feel so utterly helpless, alone, hurt and forgotten.... He works through those feelings and applies His healing one little layer at a time....

at first you don't even notice it... after all, circumstances sometimes rip the thin layers off again, and that hurts more than just taking off a band aid.... but, He keeps on doing it... at all times, every day, every minute .... and..... if we continue to be obedient, forgive those that have trespassed against us, we will one day look up and realize that the waves around us are not high anymore... peaceful waters are surrounding us and such a surge of love fills our hearts, because we know that we know that we know that it was ALL Him, it is because He is what we are not... consistent, faithful and reliable... ALWAYS....

looking back I can see that many of the "battle fields" I had been living with for so long now are at peace... relationships restored and love flowing freely again.... sickness and tragedy have burned away tension and hang ups and yes, His plans are to prosper and not to harm... even when that's hard to see for the little boat that is tossed to and fro.... they are to give  hope and a future... a peaceful future in the arms of the Saviour...

I am not an Amusement Park / Roller Coaster / Wild Water Rides participant... but I have watched my kids do all of them many times... crazily steep hills and jerky turns and curves are followed by quieter stretches.... just before another wild and scary part is about to come...

in "real life" when walking with the Lord... there for sure are going to be more scary and unsettling circumstances around the next corner as well, the difference is that as He carries us through the bad, we learn to trust Him more and more and because of our personal experiences of His faithfulness in difficult situations, His perfect and LOVING plan.... we are not tossed about the way we were before...
my mother's illness, my daughter's cancer scare.... they all did not take away the peace I had.... and I am so thankful for that..... I am so grateful, I am more than happy to honor Him and praise Him and exalt Him through all that I do ( or at least really try)....... it's all I can. do.. Love Him with all my heart... give Him my life... and tell other's about Him....... they need to know just how wonderful He is.... #SoliDeoGloria

... Father's Day Take 2.... moving on..

yesterday was a beautiful day... the sun was shining and it was Sunday.... the day when every week over 800 Million people in the world come together to worship our Lord Jesus Christ...
worshipping with my church family.. even though I was quite sick and still weak from the stomach issues the day before... even though I couldn't stand up for some of the worship time, it was the best place for me to be...

the love that has been carrying me through my life for the last 17 years will never fail... I know that for a fact.
I didn't think I would arrive at this point in my life and be able to already look back and realize  that what I always believed to be true was true indeed...
this was my first favorite verse , I discovered it early on ...
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
over the years I have clung to this promise as He gave me more and more verses along the way to go with it....
tanning on my cute little patio with my little flower pots of herbs and my fluffy little puppies all cuddled up underneath my lounge chair I was reflecting on how I was feeling this Father's Day compared to the one last year.....
just over the last little while I have been realizing just how much I have relaxed and how what I chose to do and actually continually decide to do out of obedience to God, forgiving those that sin against me, has allowed His healing to take place in the torn-up places of my heart...

so used to the pain, it took a while to register that it actually is not really that bad anymore... a feeling of relief and freedom is replacing the feeling of abandonment and unbelievable betrayal....
moving passed the hurt as layers of healthy skin are covering the wounds... oh how magnificent a healer my Saviour is... how wonderful His prescription... no pain killers masking the symptoms but rather deep surgery cleaning out the wound, letting go and forgiving, allowing real healing to take place...
humbled by Him, I am able to see that only by His grace have I not committed these kind of sins...  followed by acceptance and a release of the one who just didn't know any better....

meeting with his future wife, I think we were enjoying each other's company, I was able to honestly wish them the best, my blessing and my prayers... praying that they will find happiness and most of all, will find Him.... this encounter was such a step towards healing for me and I believe my kids as well....

so this Father's Day was a good day... for the father, the children and me... no more bad feelings for being on my own but rather a joy for the time they had together and prayers for a peaceful time for them...
bar-b-queing once again for us at night, the relaxed atmosphere on my little patio was another moment of  marvelling at just how faithful He is.... He has turned into something good what was very hard.... and not supposed to be... bad choices transformed into a heart more full of love than ever before......

... a beautiful day with wonderful news...KIDNEYS ARE CLEAR!!!

it is a beautiful day today...
it is my little One's half birthday today... yes, her half birthday... she is 14 and a half... and today, we got some very good news... for a while there was this potentially black Eeyore cloud kind of circling over her... by His grace we did have peace and the cloud was forced to retreat... just to try to come back again... and again...

today is a beautiful day... because today we got the results of the CT scan and... whatever it was that they saw on that Ultrasound a few weeks ago... they thought for sure a stone and possibly a mass.... it's all gone... nothing there anymore... faithful friends and family have been praying... and God has been good... once again...

today is a beautiful day.. exactly 18 months after their father walked out of our lives, another bridge was built... a bridge meant to ease relating amongst family members... helping I hope in the healing process... accepting and embracing the status quo...

today is a beautiful day ...because He never lets us go anywhere without being right there with us... on my way this morning, after I got the news I prayed and I thanked Him, I praised Him and asked Him to give me the words for the meeting I was going to....
.... and... no surprises here... He definitely did...

it is a beautiful day today.... a beautiful day indeed... because it is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it..... #PTL

.... clinging to the truth... rather than a HUGE LIE...

life... not always easy...  hasn't been, since Adam and Eve... actually a lot easier today than even a hundred years ago... our sense of entitlement... our idea we have a "right" to happiness / an easy life... more of an invention of our times... ridiculous really....
people dying of hunger... every second, people killed in wars, always, children abused, abducted, sold, mistreated... always... people dying of diseases, horrible living conditions.. always...
two things are happening that make us think this life is so bad... and how could a loving God allow this..
one, today, with our wealth and all the technology and media, we know about everything that goes on in the world at all times... never before would we have known about it... we also have been sensitized ( which is a good thing)... living in the after glow of a society that was committed to Christ and implemented many of His principles in this world, caring for the needy, the sick and mistreated, implementing a system of law enforcement...
and.. secondly... many of us have no idea about history... do you know how people lived let's say 300 years ago? do you have any idea about the heartache... how hard life really was?
talking with my daughter today about cancer and how we think this is so rampant today? the truth is, "old age" cancer has probably always been around... old people died... no one knew why... it was accepted... even young people died.. life expectancy was not as high as it is today... mother's died in childbirth, infant mortality was horrifyingly high... but, people accepted it, accepted that life was hard...
so, today, instead of being thankful for all the changes for the better that God has allowed and brought about... we grumble about how hard life is..
so we get sick? we have to deal with relationship problems? well, welcome to the real world... not the world of romance novels and movies... the real world...
for sure this generation is facing issues and heartache that are new to this world... the negative side of the innovations and progress... the loss of what was a godly society at one point in time.. morals declining and environmental health risks... all this is true...
have often thought about the trouble in my life as what is driving me to Him... ever thought about that's why it is here? the "thorn" in our thighs... showing us that we need God.. need Him every second of every day of our lives... with Him, difficulties can be overcome.. peace can be found... and dying... it becomes the passing on from this world into the next... traveling from a place that is not our home, to the place where our citizenship is.. in Heaven...
life... a gift.. every breath.. a gift... every moment of happiness and joy, an undeserved gift, from the Father to us... entitlement? A huge lie.... meant to destroy joy and thankfulness..
focusing on the blessings...  like a smile, a beautiful day, even sorrows shared.. knowing Him more each day... living for His glory... # SoliDeoGloria

... 4 x 4's and "incomprehensible" GRACE and LOVE

the 4 x 4 with the pillow around it...  God's justice... His righteous anger..  God's mercy... His grace.. His love... all of this going on at the same time... He loves unconditionally, because of His mercy, understanding... when we didn't deserve it or even wanted it , He sent His Son to pay for our sins... this was necessary because He is Holy... He cannot tolerate sin... He is just, all about justice, so His Son had to pay the price... in His love for us He chose to sacrifice Him... the lamb without blemish... without sin...
He gave His only Son, will He not give us all we ever need.... for love and godliness that is....
He chose us, for our own benefit.. but not only for that... He chose us, so that we through our lives would represent Him well... that's the reason there are 4 x 4's......
outspoken about my faith as I am, and I believe I need to be, I have to be hit over the head sometimes... need to be convicted in order not to compromise Him... who He is... I, like everyone else can go astray very easily... without noticing it sometimes I could be sinning... and, my Father in Heaven in His unfailing love for me needs to show it to me then...
so that's what He did on Sunday... I was kind of turning into a direction that potentially could have harmed my testimony... that first little step into an area of temptation that could in time become too much to resist... I am thanking Him for making this so clear for me on Sunday...
but... and that's what blows me away... He doesn't stop there... so I had to walk away from something I thought I was wanting... and I prayed... I pleaded... in church and again at home at night...
telling Him what was going on in my heart, reminding Him of His scriptures.. His promises, asking for His help .... and this is what I meant earlier... He blows me away... there is no need for Him to prove His love to me, He already did when Jesus thought of me when dying on the cross... and yet... and not for the first time either, in a VERY tangible way did He reach into my heart and give me some answer to the longing of my heart... this is the omnipotent God of the Universe we are talking about... the One that holds the whole world in His hands...you would think He would be too busy to cater to my needs in such a way.... the attention to detail is  "unreal" ... but so REAL...He is REAL , deeply invested in my life.. I will never fully comprehend it.. not while I am here anyways....
in the meantime... still no news... called the  Dr's office and they have not heard... good news???
a meeting with my friend, inspecting the office for Hope for Life, arranging for the phone line, keys, making plans to paint and make this place the haven it will be for those in despair... God is so good, so big and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do!!!!     #SoliDeoGloria

.. loving Sundays... and NO NEWS YET...

I love Sundays... love going to church... talking to a friend about yesterday's sermon, how great it was, I stated that in the 13 years and 4 months I have been going to my church I have yet to hear a sermon by my fav pastor that I didn't think was great... great in terms of life changing and challenging... "Holy Spirit nudging" , sometimes even more than that... like yesterday... that was more like a 4x4 hitting me over my head... with a pillow around it because of God's mercy.... He just blesses my heart..
then, Beyond the Stage Gala Show, the Competitive Dance recital turned Charity Event...once again, such a privilege to be part of a Dance Studio that is owned by 2 wonderful Christian women, who do not only teach our children how to dance really well but also try to shape their character and help them take their eyes off themselves...  they are encouraged to give of themselves to the children of the "start2finish" program in Guelph... a Canada wide charity helping underprivileged kids by offering them an after school program to show them they matter...  a reading and running program... providing hope and focus and helping in real practical ways by providing backpacks, school supplies and running shoes as well..
this is the 2nd year our kids have been able to be a part of teaching these kids a dance... last night at the end of the show, the start2finish kids came on stage for the final number and danced together with the whole competitive team ... brought to the theatre in a stylish Limo bus, I am sure they had a great time.. at the end of the show Center Stage was able to present a cheque of 12,500 Dollars to start2finish...  what a wonderful blessing...
church in the morning and the love of Christ lived out in the evening... it doesn't get any better than this..
 still no news from the Doctor's office... still not panicking... still trusting.. someone said if there was something bad I would have heard by now... well, God knows and He loves her more than I...  that's my update.. it was a great day yesterday,... it was indeed... #SoliDeoGloria

... waiting for news...

.. Friday afternoon, the work week at my hometown medical clinic has come to an end... and we have not received word yet ... no results from the CT scan... so more waiting... I am getting it... patience is learned through waiting...
this has been a whirlwind of a week and it keeps on going...
last night we celebrated my eldest daughter's University Graduation... a nice dinner at a cozy authentic french restaurant... all around a pleasant evening.. so proud of my accomplished daughter...
not only has she now a degree from the University of Toronto, she has been working as the Marketing manager at her Dad's company for the last year and just recently started working as the Event manager for her uncle.. for us she is the one that bakes, and makes everything nice and smiley and sunny....
looking after her little sister when I was away for so long and taking care of the little puppies... she truly has grown up... amazing...
tonite... I am going to go to a Natalie Grant concert... she finally came up to Canada... love her and her music, she was one of the artists on the Michael W. Smith and friends Cruise last year... some of her songs have been a great source of comfort during difficult times...
tomorrow there is another Tech Run at the theatre in Guelph and on Sunday the last recital of the year... lot's going on and like I said, that's good...
takes our mind of things... no news are good news... for now anyways... since I, by God's grace am not borrowing tomorrow's trouble and worry since today has enough of it's own... true too...
troubled about what's happening in my parent's life... not happy about the insensitivity of this father of mine... my poor Mama so sad on the phone... wanna quickly go get her out of that situation... and keep her safe... and pamper her and take care of all her needs, lovingly... praying all I can do for her right now..
did 2 chapters of a study this morning... had me digging deep into the Word and meet my Father in Heaven once again.. all these wonderful attributes of His... qualities we all lack... in need of being changed so desperately... so great that He will never give up on us... He is always here, He hears, He sees, He loves unconditionally, He provides, He is able...more than able to accomplish all that concerns me today... Praise be to Him!

... CT scan and hives...

today, when my daughter went into the room to get her CT scan done, after she got her IV and needed me to hold her hand, being all scared of it... after we had been sitting waiting for a long time and we talked all about what this could mean... best case scenario... worst case scenario... she was very good about accepting me saying that we wouldn't worry until we knew for sure...
once  she had left  it was I who was worried about what this all could mean... I found myself getting really scared and sad... something had me worried.... the nurse when getting her to get the IV was a bit confused because our family doctor had only stated to look for kidney stones, which would not have required the dye, so no IV, the radiologist at the hospital then ordered the dye anyways according to the report from the Ultrasound... that scared me....
she came back not even ten minutes later and was not feeling well, hot, nauseous and itchy... hives showed up instantly ... her stomach hurt, helping her relax, the pain in her tummy did go away again, but the hives kept itching... the technician took us to the Emergency Department, to wait and see what was going to happen with the allergic reaction... IV needle still there in case medication would have to be administered...
an hour later I signed the paperwork stating that I was fully responsible if anything bad was going to happen to my daughter.. she was hungry, her hives were not as red or itchy anymore... so I decided it was time to leave the hospital... the 1 1/2 hours had become 3 1/2 hours... time to go...
when we got home and she was settled on the couch I went online and researched again all aspects of what this could mean...
since we heard about the mass God has been great ... I have had real peace, I still do, somewhat.
it will be good to get the results, one way or another, at least we will know what we are dealing with...
I know that the Lord is holding my little daughter in the palm of His hands... He will be with her, whatever the news we will get in two to three days will be....
I am not panicking, I am trying to rest in the Lord and trust Him....  He will never leave us or forsake us...

..... daughter of the King....

seeing more pictures from Franklin, the church service such a personal affair, Whitney was there it looks like, on Worship team with her husband... so nice, Debbie reading scripture and Michael preaching... I knew this was going to be so extremely special..
I found myself sitting in the audience last night,  watching the "Night of the Stars" the Solo Duet and Trio show... and once more I was thankful that I was there and not still in Franklin, as it was planned...
my daughter had generously "allowed" me to miss this, and the truth is, I had seen her Solo and all the others as well.... but being there last night was important... it was moving, it showed me something I knew already, but needed to be reminded of..
the Father has blessed us so much by allowing us to be part of another family, and I am not exaggerating because that's what I realized again: I love all these kids, I am so proud of them as if they were my own, I love their parents and it is such a privilege to be part of something so amazing.... to see them all down there dancing their little hearts out.... such talent and spunk, so precious...
 there were a few moments were tears came to my eyes..... all of a sudden I was assaulted by the thought that if the CT scan would show some real problem, next year we might not be here....
thankfully I have learned this:
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ( 2 Cor 10: 4+5 )
thoughts like this one that just don't fit under any of these categories: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ( Phil 4:8 )
I know that because the Bible also tells me  not to worry about tomorrow.... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own
( Matthew 4:34 ) that in itself might sound like something that is impossible to do... with Christ though, all things are possible.... it is possible because I know in whom my trust lies.... in the Creator of the Universe, the Maker of Heaven and Earth....
Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—  who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,  who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. ( Psalm 103 )
so, coming back to last night.... oh how blessed we are... how good God is... all the time... she did so tremendously well... I was so proud.... "Night of the Stars" for sure... precious daughter of the King... He will take care of her.... that's a no brainer....