... just keep swimming... just keep swimming...

... sometimes I feel like a little fish in a school of fish on the bottom of the ocean, thousands and thousands of us... Dori comes to mind... "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming" just swimming and swimming... in a big crowd... not really seeing where it is going and what is happening around me... a little anxious, frazzled, overwhelmed... life can seem that way... this last little while has been a little like that... so many things going on, so many things to take care of, so many burdens.... running the rat race... with a sick feeling in my tummy.... I am aware that this is what the Evil one wants, for me to feel insignificant and alone in a crowd of others running around aimlessly .... everything being meaningless .... I know that it is not true... that even though there are billions living a life similar to mine.. I am one of a kind ( for better or worse ;) I am fearfully and wonderfully made.... the purpose for my life intricately woven into the beautiful picture that God is creating... I know this... I believe this... then why do I get caught up in this and why do I have this sick feeling of fear in my stomach... it seems my brain is constantly going, trying to figure out the chaos around me ...  it's like being on one of those carousels... going really fast... trying to hold on but feeling the centrifugal force winning... eventually it will be stronger than my strength to hold on.... and there I will be... flying violently... no direction and no hope... because this is a given....I will crash, I will be hurt and broken into pieces..
But then again... no, this is not true... My God has me on the path He wants me to be on. He has laid out that path before me, He walks with me and He holds me in place... He protects me and even  though I sometimes feel I am spinning it is like my friend pointed out to me so clearly... it is He who is holding on to my hands, not me trying to hold on to Him...
This is where my hope lies... this is why my hope cannot be shaken.. no matter how crazily my life is spinning out of control... no matter that I have been dealing with things that are not supposed to be happening and there is no end in sight, He who created the Universe is on my side... He has my back...
It takes me to put time aside to draw near to him to ground myself though... otherwise the feeling of centrifugal forces getting out of control is imminent..
sometimes I just would like to turn the "tv of my life" off... take a break.... not deal with all the stuff... but I guess this has to wait.... He alone knows when the time is right for that... I have to admit, I am looking forward to it.....

... A prayer of Thanksgiving...

...let me start this day with a prayer of thanks to my Redeemer..
I thank You because this is a new day that You have made...
I thank You because You have saved me and redeemed me from slavery,
I once was a slave to sin and now You are my Master and My Lord,
through You I have the ability to say No to sin... you gave me your Holy Spirit,
You never give up on me, You are more committed to me than I will ever comprehend.
in Your lovingkindness You chose me even before the beginning of the World to be Yours,
I thank You because my eternal life with you started 16 and a half years ago
and ..since it is eternal, will never end..
one day I will be with You in perfect fellowship...
and until then You are always right here with me,
as I draw closer to You , You will draw closer to me,
You are revealing Yourself to me through Your Word..
You are the  Word..
this is why I love it so much...
I thank You for giving me a passion for You and for the lost,
I thank You for the fact that today,
a year after the my children I and I were abandoned and rejected..
we are in a better place... wounds slowly healing while scars remain,
but You... You have made Yourself known through this valley
in a most profound way and I thank You for that.
I thank You that through allowing the heartache
You have shown me how strong my faith has become..
You already knew this, but I didn't...
Thank You for grooming me and putting me together for that one specific ministry You have for me now...
Thank You for allowing me to extend Your love and forgiveness to those around me...
Thank You Lord for my children, my friends... my family in Christ...
Thank You for excitement in my life and things to look forward to...
but Thank You most of all that I am Your beloved child,
that You quiet me with Your love, that You delight over me with singing
and that indeed You are mighty to save
and that I will never need anything other than knowing in my heart that You love me....

I will praise You and worship You today and always
My heart is filled to overflowing because of You pouring Your love into me...
I am in awe and I am forever grateful....
May all I say and do today be for Your glory and honor..
May it be pleasing in Your sight... by your grace...
Trusting You for that...
AMEN

... comfort needed... and received...

...needed something comforting this morning from my Lord.... I prayed from the moment I woke up just asking for His tight embrace... I prayed and decided it was a Psalm day... a day to go to the most comforting words... I read Psalm 34.....


I will extol the LORD at all times;
   his praise will always be on my lips.
 I will glory in the LORD;
   let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
 Glorify the LORD with me;
   let us exalt his name together.

  I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
   he delivered me from all my fears.
 Those who look to him are radiant;
   their faces are never covered with shame.
 This poor woman called, and the LORD heard her;
   he saved her out of all her troubles.
 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
   and he delivers them.

  Miriam...Taste and see that the LORD is good;
   blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
 Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
   for those who fear him lack nothing.
 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
   but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
 Come, Miriam, listen to me;
   I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
 Whoever of you loves life
   and desires to see many good days,
 keep your tongue from evil
   and your lips from telling lies.
 Turn from evil and do good;
   seek peace and pursue it.

  The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
   and his ears are attentive to their cry;
 but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
   to blot out their name from the earth.

  The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
   he delivers them from all their troubles.
 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

  The righteous woman may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers her from them all;
 he protects all her bones,
   not one of them will be broken.

  Evil will slay the wicked;
   the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
 The LORD will rescue his servants and that includes me!!!!;
   no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

I meditated on this Psalm for many weeks a year ago ... I needed the assurance that He would indeed hear me and rescue me... and, at that time... I was also very much focusing on the fact that the wicked would be slain... I definitely was angry and the fact that the Lord was going to take justice in His hands was important to me...

This morning I was praising Him and then pleading for my girls and me... for His love to surround us... for His armies to protect us from the foolish and wicked arrows flying at us... we did have some fun times today and only a little bit of aggravation was added.... so, with His strength we can handle it..
My two University students shared with me today that they pray before Exams and that it gives them peace... that was something that warmed my heart... I am so grateful for anything... so aware of even the smallest blessing... grateful for Him showing me how He is at work... Because He is... He always is.. in all of us.... He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace...He is my brother, the Lover of my Soul.... my friend and the one who has such strong arms, right now He is carrying me and my girls... again... He has the most loving eyes... did you know that???? Just have a look........

... dizzy and exhausted....

....when I was a little girl I fell of a little turny thingi on the playground... I got dizzy from turning and couldn't hold on anymore... I couldn't swing too high because I got too dizzy... I never could go on any rides... the last 10 years or so traveling on planes or even car rides would make me so dizzy that I eventually had to start taking vertigo medication every time I travel... or stay home... :(

Today was a roller coaster ride kind of a day... I am exhausted and dizzy.... too many ups and downs.. I guess there is no medication for that...

woke up still having the Eeyore cloud hanging over me...had a friend over who loves me... that started my upswing.... went to church to meet with my counselor / mentor.... talking to her always helps clear up some things... upswing continued...
Got right on it... taking a few action steps..  scary and hard
(down swing)... but important...wrote someone an e-mail,  first little baby steps towards reconciliation, had an exciting meeting with my future partner for the Center... up swing....  Met with someone to figure out status quo... hard... but necessary....

time alone... some more figuring out and processing..... up swing.... my girls coming home from a party with the "new" and, unbeknownst to us some of the "old" family... good for them... some things said and shared with me... down swing.... going to bed... dizzy and exhausted...

Was talking today about how I sometimes wish He would have made me with skin just a little thicker....
a little less sensitive... a little less vulnerable.... but then, who am I to question Him... the Potter...can He not make the clay into any kind of vessel... whichever way pleases Him??? He is not accountable to anyone... In His ultimate wisdom He decided just how to make me....

Today... I am falling into the arms of my Saviour.... drained and once again hurt... sad ... on the down swing..... as He catches me He lifts me up... swings me up and I am sure of one thing:
When times get tough, and I get tired, I won’t back up, back off, back down, back out, or backslide. I’ll just keep moving forward by God’s grace. ( Rick Warren )

When times are tough and I am dizzy and exhausted from the roller coaster ride... when the only medication that helps with my condition is to rely on Him... I will do just that... I will keep on keeping on... fixing my eyes on the goal set before me... on Jesus... on eternal things not on temporary things... and I will rejoice...

because I am His and no one can snatch me from His hand....For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen

.... divine love.... right there for me...

.. another day, a new day.. Sunday... the Sunday before Christmas.... today, my Lord had a blessing for me... something I have taken for granted at times, have been immensely blessed by other times..
..today, He knew I needed to be reminded of it.. I needed it.. period... because just over the last little while something has been happening to me...  I kind of had taken my eyes off Him and how He blesses me...

..we had a a special service today... it was called "soul cravings".. it was for friends to come and hear a good sermon about what Christmas is all about and what our soul craves, and Who alone can satisfy the cravings we have...

... as I was listening once again I was reminded that yes... we do not quite fit in with this world... the way it is now anyways... the brokenness and sin that entered when Adam and Eve ate the apple back so long ago... this is not where our citizenship is... it is in heaven... with our Father... that He alone gives us meaning, significance and love...

 ..He created us for Himself and as much as when we are saved we are reconciled with Him, in a relationship now.. we still continue living in this place where we feel like a squirrel in the hot tub would feel ( "inside joke / story" you really have to come and check out our church... like I said... my Pastor ROCKS)... the "not supposed to be like this" baffling and stunning us...

.. but then... after the service.. I turned around and reached out my hand for help... and what met me was a love directly from Him through a sister in Christ... complete understanding and compassion.... no words needed...  acceptance beyond my deepest longing.... my soul thirsting for Him.. met with companionship, with something so much deeper than I could ever wish for... communicating to me once again how much He loves me... cares about me, takes care of me, understands me... a few more of my  close friends hugging me and knowing my heart and my soul....

I need nothing else... my kids don't need anything else...  deciding to believe that is the first step.. every little step we take from here is taken in faith... taking us a bit further on the road to  recovery and healing.. until the day comes, when He will come again and the new Heavens and the new Earth will be established and there will be no more tears...... no more stunned squirrels in hot tubs and no more broken up families struggling to make it through Christmas and a life of consequences and sadness....

.... consequences ongoing....

... forgiveness.... it's  accepting the consequences of another persons sin.. leaving the judgement and punishment in the hands of the Creator of the Universe... The Holy God... who alone is just....
it's obedience to a God who forgave us our sins, before we even knew that we needed this forgiveness...

these facts have been familiar for many years... explained the concept to many and encouraged them to take the next step and forgive... cutting the chains that bound them to the offender...

it's something I knew I had to do, something I practiced daily for many, many years, as a preparation it turns out for what was to happen one year ago today....



when "accepting the consequences" back then... I did so with a sincere heart.... the only thing I was not aware of back then is that I had no idea what those consequences would be... that consequences pop up again and again, new ones, unexpected ones... affecting others... like my kids.... that they would be something we would have to be dealing with and living on an ongoing basis.....

I realized that the pain of those consequences is what we are accepting... the complications of our lives, the losses that continue to manifest themselves.. and as the last days have brought more consequences into the light I realized another thing.... on the way to the very slow recovery, some consequences / painful impacts might require some more extending of forgiveness ....

when praying and forgiving back then I didn't get the full scope of the consequences.....I might not have seen it all yet, but I for sure have a better idea now... so today I came to the conclusion that some more forgiveness was needed in order to be right with my God...

so I did, again, not for the offender but for myself.... the resentment I have been feeling for how the choices one person made mess up my life even today needed to be released and given up...

 I am coming to realize that this too will be an ongoing process.... I am kind of tired of those.... I am acting in obedience relying on the blessing and protection that is promised to me.... I am once again pleading with my Father .... claiming His promises.... not letting go of Him... hanging on for dear life.... until the peace that passes all understanding  is mine in Christ Jesus... That's one of the promises after all....

.... brokeness.... a year later...

.... tonite... it is my baby's birthday today.... I am finding myself all alone.... this is not how it is supposed to be... now I said I was okay with it and on a rational level I am... we are going to have a dinner on Sunday... never thought we would have one tonite anyways.. but to be at home, when my child is out for a dinner with her sisters and her dad and gf..... not quite the way one pictures oneself when pregnant and when this little girl was born... not for her or me for that matter...

tonite... one year exactly after the night that he left the house around midnight... , sending an e-mail 2 days later saying he indeed would NOT come back ever again....

so tonite... like the last little while and the rest of the year basically is full of things that are not the way they are "supposed"to be...

... but then again... who promised anything was ever going to be the way it was supposed to be????

I definitely never pictured it to be that way... I would lie if I said that I am not sad.... I am much better than a year ago but I am still sad...

 I figured something out....

..when I had my first baby and ended up having a C-Section it took me a VERY long time to get over the fact that someone had just randomly decided to cut my tummy open and take my child out that way... I was fully aware that my little baby and I would probably have died  otherwise but still ..... it bothered me...

Now... what I have the trouble with in this situation  ( and there are so many more layers obviously...) is that someone just decided to break up something that was not supposed to be broken apart... like my tummy was not supposed to be cut open..... it's violent, it damages and hurts and it leaves scars....
It takes a long time to heal.... 4 - 6 weeks for the C-Section, to be without pain.... over a year for sure for this "surgery".... the pain is not constant anymore...  but there are times, like the scar of my C-sections hurts when the weather changes.... when it still hurts....  and I have not gotten my head around it.... it is just not supposed to be like this.

A wonderful new friend send me a great song as a reminder today....
it goes something like that:


You are my hiding place,
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance.
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.
I will trust in You.
Let the weak say I am strong in the strength of my Lord.

I will trust in YOU



.. so tonite.. as I am sitting in my home... all alone and sad.... I am finding comfort  knowing that He indeed is my Hiding Place... and I am strong in the strength of the Lord... He is holding me in His arms of love.. never to let go... never deciding to dismiss or abandon ..... He is not like that... so I will trust in Him....

..and... because of that.... as I am held in the arms of my father.... my prayer for all involved is to feel the love that I am experiencing right now... letting go of the hurt.... in obedience..... filled with love, His love... for all...... leaving justice once again in the only capable hands..  His....

...rewards.... as the challenges keep on coming...

living in this world can sometimes be a bit overwhelming.... one thing after another... many layers of difficulties... different relational levels... hang ups and issues... baggage and history...
And then... there is new hope... things never imagined... but still truly happening... a hurt, beaten up  heart... slowly daring to inch out of it's shell...... could it be for me? Could there really be deepest understanding and connecting.... really?

throughout my Christian walk I was living the suffering... coming to the place where I met my Comforter, where I learned to rely on Him, for healing and just the amount of strength I needed to make it through another day... I also learned that even though there is constant difficulty, there can be joy walking along the path He has for me...my heart flooded with gratitude and love for Him, my Redeemer... His love and grace... unmerited favour... realizing that He has my holiness in mind when He allows the suffering... and that my happiness is just not that important... Accepting that was good but it led to some misconception...  because of that I kind of had a hard time picking up on  that He is good, truly good all the time... and that this not only means He will always pick me up when the stuff He allows to flow through His loving fingers hits me full forth and knocks me off my feet..... it actually means not only the blessings I have gotten to appreciate... the beauty that comes out of the turmoil.... no, it actually means so much more than that.... obedience has an amazing reward... He told me so today... I distinctly heard Him.... and the great thing about it is, even though today was a rather challenging day so far... I have gotten those glimpses of receiving the desire of my heart and soul..... so like I said... inching out of the shell ... cautiously... my heart soars.... days challenging... yes, difficulties and issues and baggage and history.... yes... but by my side, always, the bestest friend anyone can have.. and as I have been, by His strength walking as closely to Him and in obedience to Him as I could.... I get those glimpses... and they are blowing my mind away... and my soul is singing.... my heart is rejoicing.... because the reward... the reward beats it all........ Hallelujah!!! Praise Him now and forever more....

... traveling mercies....

Warsaw...Poland... Day 2....So here we are.... in our room, trying to find some sleep rhythm... not so easy, but no big deal... surrounded by many young dancers and their mothers... getting to know them and seeing some of their hang ups and fears.. planes seem to be bringing these up... flying... a scary business..
Years ago, when already a Christian I too had tremendous fears about flying... dreaded it, one time I even went to the church before we left and asked my pastor to pray.... then, for the longest time I would take my little travel bible and read Psalms frantically and sing Christian songs to myself when taking off....
Eventually over the years.. this fear has subsided... I always pray.... but I am  not afraid...when, like this last flight there is some substantial turbulence I do pray and ask God to make it stop.... He usually does...
So some of my travel companions had some tremendous fear and I asked them if they believed in God...shared my experiences and prayed for them... I think they were okay afterwards...
I am still shy and rather hang out with people I know but I guess old age brings with it a certain confidence  ( and knowing who I am in Christ helps too) and so it is okay to hang out with a bunch of strangers and make some small talk turning into some deeper conversation over a dinner.... ended up sitting next to a lady from the town we are planning on opening the center  and shared with her what I am intending to do... turns out she is from the Salvation Army church there and is very involved with Family Services .... doesn't He just bring me together with a born again Christian on that trip who has a heart for the underprivileged and especially moms and little children... in His wisdom another connection made..
So today... the next part of the trip... a bus ride that sounds rather dubious.. every Polish person we talked about going to Mikolajki seemed a little concerned about the roads leading there.... this could potentially be a trip that has some people scared and many getting car sick.... I told my fearful friend who told me she didn't trust bus drivers that I trusted God for this... she said she was glad I was on the trip... funny... I don't think I have special favor.. but if that's what she thinks that works for me. I am glad I can point them to the Lord and His protection and care... after all, I know all about this... never at all questioning that He is in total control of all our coming and goings...


You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.  ( Psalm 139:1-12)

So we will be on our way this afternoon.. getting to our final destination for this week... some activity filled days and then back the same way we came... God is going before us... making sure we are safe and giving me the opportunity to share my faith with some that are not that sure about that.. that's marvelous..
The girls will be dancing their little hearts out and all in all it will be a great experience...
All Praise be to God....

... reflecting on the journey....

.... reflecting.... it's what the JOG
( Journey of Growth) book had prescribed for this week.... reflecting on what God has been saying over the last 10 weeks reading 1 & 2 Peter...
As I wrote my summary I noted that the message of these two books has been resonating with me over the last 18 months of my life... so the last 10 weeks have been a summary in themselves...
My walk with Him over the last 18 months has taught me so much... first of all... that suffering is just a fact of life... 1st Peter goes on and on about that... do not be surprised if you are experiencing grief in all kinds of trials..

I remember the day I found out my husband and my cousin, my most beloved friend and "little sister" where having an affair... driving to meet my best friend at the church... screaming out of the pain they inflicted... I was thinking that this is how Christ must have felt when He was betrayed by one of His disciples... and I know that the comparison doesn't quite work... I was not being killed, even though it felt like that... and He really already knew ahead of time... still hurt on a human level I am sure...
So suffering... it happens... again and again.... when he walked right out of our home, abandoning all of us a week before Christmas... pain to an extent that I could have never imagined possible...
Suffering.. walking in it daily... sometimes just barely surviving... making it from one breath to the next...

And then.... He... He is there... always... He knows... we are achieving the goal of our faith, the salvation of our souls... we are being refined, so that our faith, of greater worth than gold which perishes even though refined by fire will be proved genuine and will result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.....

Pain and suffering... yes.... making it through by His grace, being refined and bringing glory to Him...

We are also challenged to live a holy and blameless life... resist temptation and the devil... live to bring glory to Him...

The big lesson... none of it is possible without Him.... my last 18 months.... walking through it in forgiveness and grace.... only possible with Him... hope for a light at the end of the tunnel... only through Him... my life here.... only for Him.... love for others that do not care about me... only possible through Him... His love flowing through me , His arms catching me, holding me close to His heart... listening to His heartbeat and flooded with a love so divine so unending so amazing... a love that makes it all worth wile... the pain, the agony... the betrayal and the rejection... the hanging on when it seems impossible...

It hurts, and it will always hurt.... but what I have gained is so much more... my next step of love for those who hurt me has been and will always be  to pray for them, lift them up to the Saviour...so that they may one day find just that..... the goal of our lives here.......  to be eternally connected with HIM............. Nothing compares... Nothing!!!!!!!

......... Celebration.....

... I knew it... I knew it because I know Him... and I am very far from knowing Him well enough... but I know Him anyways.... I know that He is holy, just, righteous... omnipotent and omniscient, He know the beginning from the end.. He is the Beginning and the End... the Alpha and the Omega... In His infinite wisdom He is the one that is in control and I praise Him for that...

So I knew it... I knew that the calling I have been feeling in my heart was from God.... that it was Him who put the compassion and love there.... I knew it I knew it I knew it...... I am soooooooooooooooo excited...

This morning I received an e-mail.... finally... but, hey, I was patient... I was, I also was very busy.... so it was easy to be patient.... anyways... the email basically said that the Elders were very eager to see me move forward with this ministry.... the Pregnancy Care Center..... HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happiness???? around the corner?????????? JOY... more likely.... a calling, a purpose, a real reason to be here.... helping others in need.... how much better can it get.... Direction.. affirmation ......the potential to love and encourage women in a time of need...to show them the real, genuine love of Christ...

I love Him... I love all the moms, and all the babies.... I love my dear friend who will start this with me.... I can't even deal with the excitement.... this is, like a friend said to me this morning to encourage me... indeed a WONDERFUL day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.....
Praise Him, today and always!!!!!

.. earthly blessings....

..... Last night's post was a little confusing maybe.... emotions pouring out of me how much I love the closeness and fellowship I have grown to cherish so much in the last 16 and half years but especially in the last 18 months... felt afraid of maybe losing this closeness if things would get better .....
Thankfully I am not lost to my own devices when it comes to those kind of questions and after sharing these thoughts with my very wise and loving friend last night.. she in turn thought about it some more and gave me some more insight and wisdom concerning this matter... ( God is so amazing.. He surrounds us with people that are more than capable to extend help and wisdom when we find ourselves stuck and in a fog for some reason or another) She pointed me, like she always does, to scripture... namely our friend Job... the poor guy that was targeted because he was the most righteous man of His time... always walking with God.... Satan wanting to prove a point asked for God's permission to take away everything , saying he would eventually curse God... well, we all know how the story ends... Job, even though going through tremendous suffering never did end up cursing God.... this here is the Happy Ending of the story:


 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.  All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.


  The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.  And he also had seven sons and three daughters.  The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch.  Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.


  After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.  And so Job died, an old man and full of years.


Before Satan started messing with Job's life he indeed was walking with God, he was a very blessed man and he maintained a close relationship in those  good times... when one thing after the other was taken away he wrestled with the WHY but never walked away from God... in this time he grew closer I am sure....in the end God revealed Himself to Job and then.... voila.... God restored him.... and there it is...the blessing did not corrupt him or make him lose his closeness with God... .....  PHEW..... that's good to know, that's actually really comforting for me... so if there were some more pure "earthly" blessings around the corner... I would just be allowed to enjoy them and don't need to reject them out of fear to lose my close and wonderful relationship with my Lord.... I was kind of buying into a lie from the bad guy.... I definitely do not need to fear.. I am loving Him and if He will bless me with some happiness here I will gladly accept it and praise Him for the fact that He is always there with me, in the good and the bad times... What a wonderful friend I have in JESUS..... Praise and Honor be to Him both now and forever more.......

... loving Him.......

...walking with Him, drinking in His love , acceptance and wisdom... walking closely in intimate fellowship... will I be able to keep the closeness if for some reason the path I am on would happen to lead me out of the valley and up to some higher areas.. restoration and healing... an ongoing process...growing and learning... trusting and hoping... accepting and moving on... taking the eyes off self and fixing them on Him and those He puts around me.. wonderful, really.... but scary as well...
If I don't have to hang on for dear life... will He, the love of my life be as important as He is right now when things are easier?? Or will I start depending on myself or others instead of on Him...
A wonderful and wise friend of mine tonite pointed out that when He grows us and teaches us in the valley times it will not disappear just like this... if we thought that would happen we were totally underestimating who God is.. making Him and His power so much smaller...
Yes, when things are easier we tend to sometimes run off on our own... and maybe, even after walking so closely for the last 18 months that could still happen for a bit... very soon though we would notice and miss the closeness with Him.... when I was saved so long ago, that moment I fell in love with Him and this love for Him has grown over the years... it has become so very, very humongously big... I cannot even fathom it.. overwhelmed in the most wonderful way...He is too important for me to disappoint Him and miss out on my time together with Him... to be in constant communion... like thoughts connected at all times... Him leading me every step of the way...Don't want to lose that... not for any perceived happiness that anything in this world could offer... it's like I feel almost protective over this relationship.... it is so precious to me.... this "dress rehearsal" I am living is not the real thing... the real thing is when I will be with my Saviour in Heaven.. spending eternity with HIM ..... it is wonderful serving Him and walking with Him...... all I am saying is that I want it to stay the way it is... I am thankful for the difficult times He has allowed in my life... what was intended for evil He turned into a relationship with Him that is so very very very much more worth than any happiness in this world....
Love Him from the bottom of my soul and with every fiber of my heart......

...a baby turning 20.....

... November 26.... 20 years ago my little angel was born... I will never forget how she looked... her mouth was heart shaped... never seen anything like this before... she looked like a precious, fragile porcelain doll...I remember lying in bed the night before afraid, wondering if I could love this second child as much as I loved my firstborn... not understanding that the amount of love in a mother's heart is infinite....
..... 9 months later I was at my wits end... a sick baby, too sensitive to even tolerate breast milk... fed only by mare's milk ( horse milk.. and no, she does not go "neigh"... like none of the formula fed babies go "moo") anything ever given to her would get a very strong negative reaction right away.. Mare's milk was the only thing she was fine with.. good for developing her brain and body... not good for gaining any weight... little foals must drink so much of it.. felt like I constantly fed her but she only gained  2 pounds from month 2 to month 9...... constant fear that she wouldn't be able to tolerate the mare's milk, what would happen then.... not a Christian then... or just a traditional one, not born again.. lacking the relationship with the Saviour and subsequently the trust and hope in Him..
One day that August I came to a breaking point... I had felt ready to take my baby and jump off the bridge I walked on every day...Praying I told God that I knew that this baby of mine was a gift from Him and if He wanted to take her back it would be okay with me... surrendering my precious child to someone I didn't really know out of the realization I had no control over anything was a big step in the right direction... it was as if a break through was accomplished that day.. slowly my little baby started gaining weight as we were able to add a few more substantial foods to her diet... Today this wonderful little girl turns 20... she is caring and kind... loyal and trustworthy....funny and sweet... healthy and strong.... a very driven and successful University student.. going on to Law school after finishing her degree .... a blessing to me and everyone around her....
 I am getting all emotional thinking back and seeing God at work in me through her... allowing difficulty to communicate truth, teaching acceptance and trust... even before revealing Himself to me.... what an amazingly caring Father He is..
the last 18 birthdays my Ex husband was part of the Birthday Celebrations
( and we CELEBRATE!!!!) this is the first year for him not to be around for that... he is not even in the country.....
just another "First".... oh, well, I will be fine but I am lifting my children up to the Healer and Comforter... the One who alone can meet all our needs and bring hope and comfort when there doesn't seem to be any...
so tonite we are going to have a wonderful Birthday dinner for her.... My prayer is that she will feel the love we all have for her and that her heart will be filled to overflowing with not only our love but her Father's in Heaven... the One that will never abandon and forsake, walk away or not care.... the One whose love is so full of mercy and grace, it forgives and embraces us no matter what we have done... I pray that she too will know Him that way.... and I know that only in the turmoil we really experience these amazing truths.... Thank You Lord for my daughter and Thank You Lord for loving her even more than I do... which by the way is something I cannot get my head around either... seems impossible  ;)

...make me a mirror, a reflection of you....

.. taking a break with a nice Egg salad Sandwich  and a Coke from the most wonderfully delicious Glen Oven Bakery.. I think I deserve it... my back hurts and I am pretty much done with the heavy lifting... (going to my regular massage a little later on..  :)
I am always thinking and praying when I am alone, thanking God for all the blessings in my life.. so as I was driving back home, with the car full of laundry baskets and other containers.. I was once again blown away... I so do not deserve the way He looks after me... the way He is always there and works things out..
last night I lost it with two of my daughters and as much as I think I am not so wrong in what I am upset about I definitely am so far from where I should be if I want to be a mirror, a reflection of my Lord..
An older song from Natalie Grant kind of goes like this...  ( and you guessed it.. I was listening to it in my car)


I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over

Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way....

Make me over....

and on it goes.... it makes me cry, even as I am reading this again... I broke down right there while driving through the only little tunnel we have here ( no worries, I am woman, capable of multitasking... driving and breaking down crying all at once)... and I asked Him to take me all apart and have His way with me......

was thinking again about why He would even care... what He sees in me like I said in my last blog... I am such a disappointment to Him over and over again... you know, when He convicts me of my sin other than being totally broken-hearted I am also feeling tremendously loved.... What is it, He sees in me....and the fact is... it has nothing to do with me, and it has all to do with Him, nothing to do with who I am, but who He is...the dimension of this love is too lofty for me to even try to understand... but like I said earlier... I am blessed to an extent that leaves me in awe and so full of Thanksgiving, praise and worship just bursts out of me, like there is no tomorrow...
He LOVES me..... how can I not once again pledge my allegiance to Him.. my dearest Abba Father, my King and Redeemer..

....American Thanksgiving...

.. the night before American Thanksgiving...2 days before my daughters 20th Birthday... 2 days before the Michael W Smith and Nashville Choir Christmas Concert in Brentwood, Tennessee.... ( I did get tickets for that and gave them to my friend in Franklin,TN.... I got them in a moment of delirious illusion of me being Superwoman.... some very disrespectful people might say it has to do with me being obsessed with MWS and "chasing" him all over the continent....the nerve...)

a week since getting possession of my little home... it's slowly getting together... just needs a few more runs to the old house to get the rest of the stuff still hiding in a few closets and cupboards... should all be done by tomorrow I think....

So American Thanksgiving is starting off a string of days from now to January 1st that held special meaning in my life with the man who walked away from a life together...
American Thanksgiving has always been the weekend we would go to NYC for a trade show... I do have a deep connection with NY... I really am fascinated with this city...

...talking with a a guy today, a friend from church about us girls making this our home now... and how heart breaking he thinks all of this is....

on the other hand.. like I said, the floor is done, things unpacked...it will be so cozy and nice once the pictures are up... some Christmas deco already out.... simple and beautiful.... so much more me ..... saw the baby on Monday ... 10 days old... I do love  little babies... met with another girl today, the boyfriend came along and it is so wonderful to see their excitement about this little life growing inside her..

listened to ... what a surprise....MWS songs today while driving home.... Help is on the way....He is never going to leave me or forsake me... that was true yesterday, today and tomorrow.. it helped me through the time of deepest pain and hurt, when moving on and being okay was not  something I thought would ever be possible... it is true today when I have moved on and I am feeling much stronger for having gone through this... I still wouldn't choose it but I am more sure of who I am in Christ and who He is to me...I have never been that confident and balanced and at ease... my bestest friend said to me the other day that shouldn't surprise me... He grows us in those times.... and He has...

it is true for today even when things are sometimes complicated and troublesome.... just life in general... like He said..in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world... so conflict and trouble  are inevitable but He will never leave us or and forsake us.. and walking with Him when you have to hang on for dear life tends to strengthen the relationship, that's for sure..... read something Rick Warren tweeted today: God answers your pain not with a principle but with a Person, not with a word but the Word, not with a reason but a relationship..... he ( Rick Warren) must have gone through some big stuff himself because he for sure is getting it... that's exactly what He does for us...

He will be there for us in the future as well... knowing that allows us to live to the fullest without holding anything back... following Him with expectation and trust... because no matter if things will be nice and wonderful or hard and painful... my best buddy, the lover of my soul is always right beside me... I will never get my head around what He sees in me... in the meantime I am enjoying His love and commitment...

... overwhelmed and frazzled?????

...it's been a while, and that is unheard of in my very young but passionate love affair with blogging...

I have been thinking about this... it must be my age, I am just not that young anymore.. yes, that is true... I just don't seem to be able to be doing everything all at once and then some.. I think I was able to do that before... maybe I am fooling myself...

..anyways, between being a mother, working part time, buying a house, moving, attending aDivorce Support group with a friend, getting prepared to , God willing open my own Pregnancy Center, taking my youngest to Team Canada rehearsals and getting ready to go to Poland for the World Championships of Dance.... somehow I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed.... just a tiny bit.. throw in the broken in  car window, car trouble, Mentoring groups and such and really... it's all a wonderful blast... it is....

My new house will be a HOME for us very soon, such a blessing, I am in love with this humble abode that is going to be the cozy shelter for my girls and me.... can't wait to be unpacked far enough to start putting the Christmas decorations out....... :)

Have been reminded this morning, when a bit down ( my puppies are taking turns either throwing up or pooing all over the place.... all too much for them I guess ) because I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep and woke up to a bigger clean up after the dog session.... - was reminded that I am BLESSED and that this is a new morning, a new day, full of mercy, grace and love, right there waiting for me... paid for with a horrendous price just for me and whoever will believe they need this gift.....

...I went to a shelter to deliver a baby bassinet a tremendously generous, wonderful friend had donated for one of the girls I am seeing... walking in there was quite the reality check for me.. I spend the hour driving home thanking God that He has blessed us and kept us safe all along... we have never had to find shelter in such a place  (and it is amazing they are there)... we just moved like I said and we are making this place a home where we can all come and find peace and rest.....

so I am.....overwhelmed, a bit.... frazzled, yes...... even frustrated at times, yes....
ULTIMATELY extremely thankful??? For sure!!!!!!!..  driving home again today , praying and worshipping my Lord, my Saviour and the Lover of my soul...I realized, this is another phase in my life in which He is teaching me something new... I am finding myself feeling all these negative feelings at some point in time and but then I get to step back.. look at it and make a decision... how cool is this... is this what self control looks like?? It's not perfection, meaning that there is no more frustration or difficulty and negative feelings,  but rather getting  a chance to  make a choice that honors the One who came to give us life, and life abundantly.... I am impressed at what He is doing in this small little stubborn heart of mine ( considering I am fighting Him all the way..) ... He really is changing me.... that's amazing and another reason to be thankful... back to work I go... with a heart full of Thankfulness and Awe... My God is an awesome God.. He really is....

.... sometimes the sun stays hidden....

.. today was somehow a downer... can't complain have been riding high for quite some time... there had to be a sucky day in there at some point in time..

This morning already... I was realizing how there was one specific someone trying to bring me down... insecurities... creeping up ... complications and a lack of excitement throughout the day... the overall stress making me feel overwhelmed, probably not helping... moments in certain conversations with significant people in my life that made me feel sad and frustrated...as always, no dull second... running from one place to the next.. packing up more boxes and then... as a perfect end to the day... clashing with my daughter... great... I hate the consequences of this family's break up...suffering is just a fact of our lives...

Every moment that caused grief in this day was tugging on my faith and my trust in God .... the lies whispered in my ear.... they don't really like you or care about you...it's all too complicated and will not work out anyways...I can never get this all done ... and the angry arrows of a hurt child... aimed right at my heart... moments that needed me making a choice, over and over again....

Surprised ..... really surprised... choosing to stand on the promises and not follow the lies and their path leading to destruction... not that hard after all...  for some reason, this morning I was listening to the song that was my companion for many months when going through the pain and hurt of the divorce... "Held" by Natalie Grant... this one never fails to put things in perspective.. realizing now, at the end of the day that someone who cares about me very much ( God...) had me listening to this before I was even encountering some of the downers...

So , at the end of this day... a regular day... really... I am choosing to focus on the good... really on the One that invented Goodness and Love... Comfort, Hope and Perseverance... I am choosing to be thankful.. thankful that there was another little baby born a few days ago, someone very caring and generous gave me a trunk full of baby items that will bless my young girl so much...... thankful that after a bad fight....love once again won the battle... rejoicing in the possibilities... with Him, all things are possible...

He is walking with me and I am thankful that I could turn my head while walking and I was able to look into the most beautiful eyes there are, the loving eyes of my Saviour... He would have picked me up but it turned out it wasn't necessary.. His presence was enough to make me trust Him more than the lies a certain someone wants to make me believe...because He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world... ha....thank you Lord!!!

... 19 baptized at GAC.....

.... big moments in time.. good and bad, we never forget where we were when it happened... good big moments are awesome to experience...it elevates everything... makes u feel that you are part of something that is not just a fleeting moment and forgotten the next second.. a bit of a glimpse into what eternity is like...

So yesterday at church.. yesterday was such a moment... what a privilege... the excitement was in the air.. it was so thick you could feel it... have a pentecostal friend who once said to me you could feel the spirit it was so thick ... well, that's what it was for sure...

Heaven rejoiced... there was a HUGE PARTY... as they talk to the little kids in Sunday School about making Jesus smile... He was beaming as He was hanging out at my church yesterday..

My pastor, the willing and obedient vessel for the Lord that He is, by God's grace... preaching through
1 Peter right now, last week challenged everyone to take the first step in obedience one has to take as a follower of Christ... get baptized to profess their faith and allegiance to the Lord...

19 people responded.... we are not a small church, and we have had  Sundays where maybe 5 people would be baptized on the same morning.... but 19.............. testimonies so amazing... age ranged from
(I am guessing ) 19 - 82 ( not guessing about the 82!!!!)  testimonies from dramatic to just no longer able to resist the voice of Jesus telling her to get baptized... HE ROCKS.... the Rock....

 So being there yesterday was unbelievingly amazing... encouraging... the world is won over, one  person at a time.. believing and stepping out in faith... proclaiming Christ as their Saviour... shouting it out loud and not holding anything back...

To be part of this moment... HEAVENLY............ it is such a privilege to serve the King of Kings, Lord of Lords...to be part of His Kingdom to join in the celebration.....  (nothing wrong with being a Jesus Junkie... that's what I am I think... cool, eh????)

... do you still feel the nails???????

... this morning I have been listening to a song I used to listen to all the time in my car and cry and cry... and wouldn't you know it... cried again... I guess I am predictable this way....
.. the truth is, this song speaks about what my Saviour went through when dying on the cross.... causing Him pain like this, continues to break my heart... don't get me wrong, this isn't about me having to feel guilty... this is not why I am crying.. He chose because of His great love for me and you to go through this suffering... that's what makes me cry....because this kind of love is too much to handle.
the song challenges us to wonder if we continue to hurt Him, is He still feeling the nails every time we fail , sin....
now theologically speaking I am not even sure we should look at it this way... He paid for our sins once and for all... then, when he went through this agony...
what it does for me is it breaks my heart that my wrong choices would hurt Him, and that the wrong choices I might be making today were the reason He even had to go through the pain... my love for  Him makes me sad beyond anything I could ever imagine that He might be hurt because of me... that He was hurt because of me... because of my stubbornness, my rebellion, my impatience, my desires...and, that even though I have met Him personally that first Sunday in June 1996, understood what He did for me in my heart for the first time then... that I could still stumble and continue to  hurt Him.. my most precious Saviour... who is there for me ALWAYS.. who walks with me when no one else will, who catches me when I fall, who tenderly holds me in His embrace, His eyes communicating love on a level I cannot even comprehend.... what could ever be worth it.... the answer is NOTHING... oh to live with Him, to walk with Him to consider Him more worthy then anything else in this world... constantly... without being distracted and led astray... He deserves my allegiance, love and devotion... He, who I love and adore, who I worship and praise... May my life on this earth bring Him glory, honor and praise both now and forever more...
 I love you Lord...