.... Forgiveness.. the key

my youngest daughter, whose birthday is in 2 days, pleaded with me to write about her on her birthday
 ( like I have for her sisters) and not of the 2nd anniversary of her father leaving late at night to never come back again.... I definitely will grant her wish..
so today, 2 days before that "Anniversary" ( I thought we used that word mainly for Wedding Anniversaries.. :S

let me share a few thoughts on that whole ordeal...

I have been encouraged many times throughout the last two years by friends telling me, that the way I have worked through this Tsunami / Disaster in my life has been an inspiration to them...
truth is that my God, the Creator of the Universe, Jesus, the Son of God and my personal Saviour, has turned what was meant for evil into something good... He came through for me by keeping His promise that for those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose, He will work ALL things out for good...

I think He has walked with me through the grieving and has restored me.. He has kept another promise.. a fav scripture memorized many years ago : In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith —of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,  for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

truth remains that God hates divorce, and that the man who promised to stick with me through thick and thin should not have walked away.. I just want to make sure that no one would interpret my last posts in the way that I am saying this was good after all... it was good DESPITE what happened... just because God is bigger than any sin committed by anyone.
Divorce is not the solution for a difficult marriage. Jesus is. Disobedience is never the right choice, no matter what one feels two years later.

the fact that God has refined me, that I know Him so much more which is the greatest blessing,  does not take away from the scars this sin has left behind. the sadness will always be there about something that just broke the hearts of all involved.. God's included..
it grieved the Holy Spirit and there are no ifs and buts that can ever justify disobeying God.

in His love and mercy He has been our Comforter, the source of our joy...and peace.. a sin is a sin though, and for every sin there always will be consequences..

I think I must have one of the best Ex-husbands there is and that in itself is a blessing from God. we are good friends in all of this and for that I am thankful. I am still praying for his salvation because in the end, that is what it is all about. The God of Mercy and Compassion will forgive him for leaving us as much as I have forgiven him... if he comes to Him with a broken and contrite heart..
no sin is bigger than another, we all need God's forgiveness and like my beloved Pastor so wonderfully puts it.. the ground is level at the foot of the cross...
so I am not pointing any fingers... each one of us will be held accountable by a just and holy God.. will He see  the check mark "paid in full" behind our names or not... will we have trusted Jesus to have died for our sins and then committed to following Him with all that we are and have and do... that's what it comes down to...

so there, that's it.. no more reminiscing about this incomprehensible pain I felt two years ago.. choosing to delight in the here and now.. the fact that my baby is turning 15, my mother is still alive and we will celebrate Christmas together... Christmas as in Christ, the Saviour was born that day... the Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Holy One..  ( NOT Santa Claus...) :P

... tested by the Father???

met with a cherished friend on Friday... and she shared with me something God had been showing her, that applied so very well to an experience I had ...

something very weird happened to me a little over 3 weeks ago, got a glimpse of something amazing.. I remember having my ongoing convo with Jesus that night happening at the same time.. asking Him, could that be what it looks and feels like when You are orchestrating something and give me what I really, really long for, could it really be true...

well, it turned out not to be that... thankfully wise friends had pointed me to Jesus before I could get all bend out of shape because of it.. taking captive lies and even where my deceitful and wicked heart wanted to take me... 

so this friend who was reading through Job, had realized something very profound.. Job never knew that God and Satan had this little thing going... that Satan had said to God that Job was really only living so faithfully because He had everything one could wish for, and if he lost it, he for sure would curse God... God allowed Satan to take away everything but Job's life and tada... Job still didn't curse God...

we have the privilege of knowing the facts, what happened in the background, but Job never did... and, he DID lose everything... he WAS sick... not just a little, but horrendously so..  and.. he never cursed God..

made her think of what might be going on "behind the scenes" today... maybe sometimes we are tested... for sure sometimes we are tested... maybe this little confusing story of my life was just that... was I going to get mad at God... accuse Him of playing with me and being mean... or would I trust Him more and run to Him... would I be willing to learn the lesson and surrender..

so glad it is not all dependent just on me.. because I am not sure if I would have passed the test... but with the help of "Christ beside me" I did...

with the help of those He has put near me I did make one more important step forward, the giving up of looking for my prince.. I think He whispered something very profound into my ears while praying with a friend last week...maybe I have to live this lesson out even more.. I think I need to do something "tangible"... I have an idea, what that could be..

stay tuned...  ;)

... what if your healing comes through tears...

it was announced a few days ago that Laura Story, the beautiful Christian singer is joining us on the Michael W Smith and friends ( that's me!!!!!) Cruise in July 2012...
made me go back and listen to her song "Blessings"...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

                       'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

                   What if Your healing comes through tears

                 What if a thousand sleepless nights 

                 Are what it takes to know You’re near

                    What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I cannot believe how far He has brought me in a year.. last year this time the sorrow of it all overwhelmed me even though I had thought I was doing so well... this year, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the healing HAS come through tears, and there were many... my thousand sleepless nights have made me very much aware just how near He really is to me..

fact is, the trial was a blessing in disguise... never in my life have I felt so whole and so fulfilled, have known my purpose, my value and my worth like I know it now..

I think my kids are doing a little better with the whole situation as well.. I knew that my Jesus would not let us down, but do as He promised, walk through the bad with us... 

other things are going on, and there will never be a time without trials for His children...and that's okay.

as He has been guiding me through the trials of my life He has been increasing the peace that is mine at all times.. quite amazing.. so even though  the things that are going on are rather huge, I am at perfect peace and once again just stand there in the presence of my God.. arms open wide... no self defence necessary... inviting Him to do what it takes for His will to be done.. because, let's face it, what could be better?

traveling soon, into the abyss of the dysfunction... I will have to rely on Him to keep us safe and protected from the evil one who will want to bring us down.. we will stand firm... 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.... ( Ephesians 6:13-15)

so happy that today's technology let's me take my bible in many different versions, with all kinds of commentaries in one slim little device.. His Word is the Truth, and all I need, He has given me His righteousness and His Spirit is in me. I can pray and ask Him to help me keep my eyes fixed on Him, forgive right away and love with His love... not expecting anything, but giving everything...  not possible without Him, with Him.. doable..

thankfully I know He is going with me and that is all I need..

.... no more prince for me?????

isn't it just so amazing that there is just never a dull moment with God???
it is so great how He keeps His Word, like when He says that He will perfect us... never stop refining us, making us more like Himself...
I am also so amazed how He works everything out and puts people in our lives to speak His wisdom and love into our circumstances..
was challenged today, to surrender my desire for a man in my life.. I know, have talked about that again and again... now this though is taking the surrendering to even a different level all together...

remember Abraham? and his son Isaac? when the Lord told Him to take Isaac, the son he had waited for like it seemed forever, and sacrifice him...
just read Genesis 22 again and it boggles my mind how Abraham just takes his son and goes on ahead where God told him to go...
pretty black and white, pretty straightforward...
do you think this was an easy thing for him... I cannot imagine what was going through Abraham's mind... I wonder how much he struggled... I wonder if he questioned God, what was this all about... first promise the son, then, even make good on the promise.. just to take him away again... and even make him do it himself????? that's cruel....

whatever might have gone through Abraham's mind, we might never know.. ( I am planning on asking him when I see him :)  but, he did obey, he took his son and prepared to offer him to God as a sacrifice......
wow... such obedience, such trust...

so, surrendering... as in giving up your biggest desire.... a legitimate desire... and by that communicating that He, the Lord indeed is the most important...

 for me, does that mean, I am to give this up? offer it to Him... accepting whatever He will do... even if that means never again to be in a love relationship with a man?

wisdom spoken to me today... maybe God knows that I would lose focus, that I would put that man higher even than my relationship with Him... would I make Him an idol in my heart? that's possible...hmmm...
so me sacrificing, totally surrendering my desire and wish for a man in my life...it's saying to Him that He is indeed all that I need...

that's tough... talking to Him in the car this evening I kind of told Him that I would like to do that, have no idea what it would take to really mean this and what I would need to do?? other than stop looking that is....
I also told Him that this whole surrendering thing is kind of funny to me, because I so believe that He is in control anyways,... so what do I really have to surrender????

basically I can only benefit from doing this... so when longings come up I will need to take them captive and run into the arms of my Jesus... I told Him as well that He better come through for me then, when I feel lonely ... that He needs to meet me in those places... I know He will... because really, any man I have known has let me down and not fulfilled my needs and desires perfectly, as much as I never was able to fulfill theirs... but Jesus... He knows me more than anyone ever could, and He is capable of everything... He loves me perfectly... so, now that I told Him that, I am waiting in expectation.. how He is going to do that... how will it feel?

the wise friend also pointed out that this is not just a decision, but a process... that explains the fact that I have talked about this on and of.... so... another step towards the goal.. peeling away layer after layer...
letting go of any perceived control... committing to giving Him my dreams and deepest longings.. don't let me down Jesus...( I know you won't.... :)
oh... and by the way.. in case you didn't know... God did not let Abraham sacrifice his son... that's not who He is... :)

.. do not even sit down to eat with him...

church this morning... such a great service, as always. this week dwelling on 1 Corinthians 5: 1-13, quite challenging, harsh words leaving me with some questions.. answered and interpreted clearly by my "shepherd"..  truth is that as a Christian that professes that the Bible is God's Word to us, inspired literally by God Himself, I have to be willing to accept even the more difficult passages as His Word to me... to us as a congregation... to His followers.

a challenge to call our fellow brothers and sisters  on their sin , because we love them and because like it says in this passage a little bit of leaven will work it's way through the whole lump of dough...   after following the process of dealing with sin in a  fellow believer's life, as laid out by Jesus Himself in Matthew 18, and if the brother or sister does not repent, we are to have nothing to do with this person... he or she needs to be kicked out... wow, this is harsh, this, as my pastor pointed out this morning goes so against what we think Christianity stands for that hardly anyone even dares to do this anymore....

what happens as a consequence is that "sin" slowly becomes accepted and works it's way through the "dough", contaminating the whole and making the church ineffective... ineffective because we are becoming hypocrites, preaching one thing yet doing and tolerating another..

no one ever said that following Christ would be easy... picking up your cross daily and deciding to live a holy life, because He is holy and He tells us to, is a struggle, daily.. 

I love how black and white the Word is in the important places.. I think we all need the reminder once in a while.... there is Grace and there is Mercy... and over all this is the love that made the Father sacrifice His own Son, but once we receive His forgiveness and the Holy Spirit as a counsellor, we are held accountable to a higher standard... we still mess up, and Jesus died for these sins as well... we definitely though need to be willing to humble ourselves, admit our struggles to each other and accept the help we can get from our fellow believers..  to justify away our sin and lower these standards instead is dangerous and needs to be dealt with... that's what this passage was all about today. difficult truth but truth nevertheless...

love how serious a Christian my pastor is... so blessed to have had him as a preacher for the last 13 years..

.... a princess indeed...

..today I chose to look up a poem that would express what I have been trying to hold on to since a very wise friend told me the following a little over a week ago... " the man God has planned for you will woo you (to seek the affection, favour, or love of (a woman) with a view to marriage), he will cherish you and respect you... you do not need to try to impress him or try to use some lure to "catch" him, you just have to trust your Father in Heaven... and be who He has made you...."

I knew that this was right.. but, with an earthly father who didn't know how to love and a husband who just walked away, I have been struggling with this concept for far too long...this was the last truth on my road to recovery I had to embrace... I knew it was true.....I believed it... now I just had to live it... 

I am happy to say that I am living it, by His grace.. I have gone off any dating websites I was on... I am going to wait for my man... in the mean time.. my Father, the King is all I need, He has filled my heart with so much love, I am good on my own... here is the poem I just had to change it a little to make it work for me ;) 

I'm a daughter of the Lord

a Princess in His eyes

I'm someone that He so adores

He hears me when I cry

forever and a day I'll worship

my Father, the graceful King

the Creator of all life

the Creator of everything

to Him I give my loving heart

to Him I give my mind

He loves me when I fall apart

He loves me ALL the time

He's worthy of my everything

He's worthy of my love

He's worthy of the songs I sing

Oh Father in Heaven above!

He saved me from the hands of death

He holds me all together

to me, He gave His very breath

so that I could live forever!

If to Him, I'm worth so much

that he would die for me,

why should I give myself to one,

who doesn't seem to see..

so today,  instead of feeling sorry for myself for being alone this weekend, I went to watch my little Godson's hockey game... I had him over a little after school yesterday and I am going to be more present in his life again, just one of the people I can invest my "free" time in... what a blessing...

there is a time for everything,  there was a time to mourn, and He carried me through it... He taught me how much He loved me... and that I am indeed a Princess... there is a time to bless and a time to be blessed... it feels that I am always being blessed... I guess it is because I am a Princess...  Praise Him from whom all blessings flow....  Soli Deo Gloria!!!!!! To Him alone be the Glory forever and ever!!!

... do you want your ears tickled?????

heading back shortly... the sun shining again in beautiful Franklin..
my time with Him this morning very sobering, but needed...
spending time daily in the Word never gets old..  living in this society where everything is okay, as long as you feel it is, to read the truth, black and white is very refreshing..
as a professed follower of Christ I CANNOT buy into the culture of this day.
I have to stick closely to what the Bible tells me, and, like it is for children, it is better to have clear boundaries,
it definitely helps with feeling safe.. knowing what is right and what is not.
we cannot be falling into the category that Paul writes about to Timothy..
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. ( 2 Timothy 4: 3+4)
when asked today, many people will say they believe in God... many say they are spiritual...
I personally know many that will claim that "their" God is not like mine.. their God is okay with revenge, wouldn't want them to stay and suffer in a marriage that just didn't work.. their God wouldn't be that narrow-minded and be against so many things that just felt so right...
truth is, they have made a God up in their own minds, from things they have heard or read, things that have been passed down and things that make sense to them... things that will "tickle their ears" because it allows them to do whatever they want...
I am very thankful to "my" God, that He did not let me settle for any of "these" gods... because, let's face it, if everyone can make up their own, there are gazillion "gods" out there..
which one is right, or which set of rules is, or what is their assurance of spending eternity with that god?
My God has revealed Himself throughout "His Story" , He revealed Himself by living on this earth in human form, becoming the ultimate sacrifice for us... I do not have to be a "good" person... because, what is good enough to be a good person? how many "bad" things can I do before I am not good anymore?
All my God wants from me is to believe that He is the One and Only God and that by His Son dying on the cross for my sins ( and there are many... and sadly I will be adding more and more during the rest of my time here on earth.. hopefully less and less as He grows me up and I surrender myself to His will daily) I am now forgiven, not good, but forgiven... through that my relationship with Him is restored and I am enjoying closeness with Him that can never be taken away... it is an eternal relationship that has already begun... it actually began 17 and half years ago....
I am glad that He has also revealed Himself through His Word, I am glad that it is the eldest,  published in most languages, widely read book today... but it is not just a book, it is alive and sharper than a double edged sword.... I encountered that truth again this morning... and it was my loving Father, Jesus, the Lover of my soul who spoke His truth into my life... He, the all knowing God knows exactly what I need, He knows my heart and He cares enough about me to let me know where I need to be careful...
like a mother who makes sure her kids don't eat too many candies... not because she wants to be mean and spoil the fun of her children but because she loves them and wants the best for them..
I am so glad He loves me like this and is not a distant, absent father, but is intimately involved in every aspect of my life...
still at the airport in Nashville, the sun is still shining.... getting home a bit later than planned... still blessed beyond all measure ....

...Franklin, what is it about you?????

I am not sure why this is, but I cannot stop smiling as soon as I step foot on Tennessee soil.. even if it is just that thing that connects the terminal with the plane.. ( no idea what you call this in English.. sorry)
I am so happy to be here I can hardly contain myself.. I have no idea why....
this is my second time here and I feel like I am coming home... know my way around the airport, the Starbucks in the terminal, the Thrifty Car Rental place... found the way to Franklin and my hotel with no problems, in the dark and in the rain!!!!!!!!!!!
oh, and I got the cutest car... I always get a free upgrade... aren't those people just so amazing here???
so, it is a red Sportage and I love it...
went to Publix and got a few things to munch on last night... then I settled down in my hotel room... and.. I still can't stop smiling.. someone tell me why?
met with my friend Michelle for Breakfast at the Cracker Barrel.. Christian Bookstore, and then.. the Mall...a little Christmas shopping for my girlies... found my way back... yes..  still smiling..
tomorrow morning I will go take care of some business and then have 2 meetings in the afternoon...
I feel so very very blessed that I can be here, and look, it is not about Michael W Smith or even the few people I know around here..
because I missed my flight on Saturday I didn't get to see Mary (VERY SAD about that, Mary.. I love you)... and because it was supposed to snow here ( oolala... disaster!!!!!) another friend cancelled his plans to come see me here today...
anyways.. will go to the Opryland Hotel with Michelle, her daughter and Granddaughter tonite.. I am told it is beautifully decorated for Christmas...
and I am smiling....
God is so very good to me, I am just so excited to be here and I am enjoying being alone.. yes.. I am not lonely, I am happy to be doing and accomplishing what I am, and I am great company for myself..this is not me at all 2 years ago, I have come such a long way.. all because my Redeemer loves me, all because He delights over me with singing... He has quieted me with His love when the going was so very tough, and He won't stop blessing me..... I had that vision of Him in a nice soft light blue and white striped shirt, so very, very soft, like Ralph Lauren is making them, He was holding me in His arms and I was just nestling my head against His shoulder / chest ( and hearing His heart beat) one morning during that Alaska Cruise in July 2010... when I was still so raw from all the pain and sorrow... He has been my close companion ever since, so I am sharing with Him this time down here, He is as excited as I am... ( it's because He loves me), He also doesn't mind shopping... yup, He goes with me even there... :)
what else can a crazy girl like me ask for?????
going to a nice get together tomorrow night at 6, just found out about that ... home again on Thursday...
and that is a great thing too...
I love my girls, my puppies, my friends, my work, my church and that He always goes along with me, He will never leave me, ignore me or forsake me, He won't even get angry or annoyed, impatient or disappointed... He just loves me and spurs me on, encourages me and transforms me into His likeness..
He is the GREATEST!!!!!!!!! ( and maybe, just maybe, one day I will get to share this with that godly man that I know He has for me... YAY!!!)

... tenderness and care....

it is a funny thing... I think God has a huge sense of humour.. there I am on Saturday morning writing about that we make plans but God is the One who calls the shots... did He have a reminder of that for me...
so even though I was up early, very early, was ready to go early enough to make my flight, early enough to celebrate my daughter's birthday, the way we always do... in the morning, opening gifts and all...
I still missed my flight by one minute... one minute too late to make the cut off which is one hour for flights to the US....
now, I am someone who hates to have to rush and take a chance... especially when it is an airplane we have to catch... I rather be there early and take my time.. for some unexplainable reason all of a sudden I became very relaxed,  changing the time I had to leave in my head and enjoyed the time with my daughters... I never thought I was risking not getting there on time.. I don't know, maybe my cold made me all foggy in my brain...

anyways, God has plans, and I guess He knew that I would come home and just collapse in my bed never to be seen again that day... I am still sick and so thankful I did not have to be on a flight, spend time with a friend, drive another 3 hours to see another friend... all of this would have been a great thing, a wonderful thing, something I planned assuming I would be healthy and strong... but my God knew I needed a rest..
so I am still in bed, still feeling really weak and tired,  it is such a good thing my flight is now booked for Monday afternoon.. I am still going to be there in time for the "business part", the friend time has been cut short, but that's okay... because I now have another "free" ticket to go some other time... thanks to a very generous and extremely helpful Ex-husband.... and can go there again sometime before September 28, 2012...
So, His plans are perfect... He just gave me another experience to prove that.. I am trying to make wise plans and decisions with whatever my resources are at the time.. He however is soooooooo much bigger than circumstances or anything "unsuspected" that comes my way... NEED to remember that....

Makes my heart overflow with gratitude and love, and... makes my passion to share Him so much greater too... want everyone around me to know Him like this.. ( my Ex-husband included..)
Thankful for the rest, it was very much needed.. can you believe how much He cares,
the Lover of my soul ? I will praise Him forever!!!!

... where you go, I will go...

up really early, 4:30...all packed and ready.. birthday table set up for my now 21 year old daughter... sick with a cold.. but looking forward to spending some time in Franklin Tennessee again.. I just love it there...
catching up with 3 of my wonderful friends down there and just drinking in the Southern hospitality will be amazing..

never knew much of Tennessee until actually about 18 months ago when I came back from the Michael W Smith and friends Cruise in July 2010... I remember figuring out that "everyone" ( all the artists on the cruise) were living there.. checking it all out online I started to think how cool it would be to live there one day... in the mean time I have been there twice already, made some great friends there ...
the Adoption Agency / Pregnancy Care Center in Nashville is called "Miriam's promise" when I first googled that and saw the name I cried... mind you, I cried a lot back then..
anyways.. with my life so up in the air I wondered if this was where I would end up maybe...

I love the Word, I am so amazed that He would communicate with us like this...
Proverbs 3: 5+6 says this:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart 

   and lean not on your own understanding; 

 in all your ways submit to him, 

   and he will make your paths straight.

I remember the times last year when I didn't know where I belonged anymore, my security and all I had known had come to an end.. it was a very unsettled place to be in.. but God had a plan, and I trusted Him..

He showed me where my place was right there and then and that's all I needed to know..

This week, I learned another important thing in this regard.. 

waiting on the Lord and trusting Him for His provision and care, Him being Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides.. when He will bring this man He has for me into my life, I am to go where he will go... like Ruth told Naomi in the book of Ruth 1:16 : 

Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.

wow... so, the plans He has for me are that detailed.. when this little train called Miriam was thrown up in the air , even though it came as a surprise for me, He knew it all along and considered it to be something good for me.. when I was wondering where I would end up He had already decided that I was going to be staying here for the time being... for my future He already knows where I need to be one day.. so waiting on Him means to not lean on my own understanding but to trust Him with all my heart, submit to Him and He will make my path straight...isn't that what He has always done?

I am thankful for the way He continues to reveal things to me... HE ROCKS, that's all I can say... 

 getting on this plane today I will just enjoy what He has for me right now... and leave the planning up to Him..

.....waiting on the Lord......

patience.. a fruit of the spirit..
be still and know that I am God... waiting on the Lord...
what a great exercise...
need to exercise this since I am not that good at it... :(
much better than I used to be, no question about that, but not good at it, not good enough at it... that's why the lessons continue to be ..WAIT....

so against all this world is and stands for.. instant gratification seems to be the mantra of today's society, I am waiting...


remember the letters send by stage coach.. ( long before our time) but even when I was a child in Germany, my pen pal and I sent letters back and forth every other day... today, we txt, email, FaceTime or Skype and we are instantly connected..

I am someone who loves to communicate, I do it a lot with my friends.. or my kids...

you want a new fridge, car, computer... today we have credit cards, lines of credit or the store offers to let us pay for it a year later..

we have stores that are open 24 hours and whatever we think we need is at our fingertips at all times..
I remember my oldest losing the last soother we had for her on a Saturday afternoon, back when we were still living in Germany... stores closed at 1pm and none were open on Sundays.... we had a rough night, took her a while to finally fall asleep without her beloved "schnulli" but... she got over it.. by the time stores opened again Monday morning she was a "big girl" who didn't need a soother anymore..

ha.... waiting on the Lord, He knows why He makes us wait... we grow up in the waiting, we learn to trust Him more and let go of our perceived needs .. apparently we can "survive" without what we thought we so desperately needed ... actually, if I am looking at my life... the last 2 years.. had I been able to flee and hide in the "comfort" of a new relationship, I would have missed out , all my relying on Him, finding my strength in Him and not in the arms of an understanding, loving man.. knowing Him and how He was holding me when I was in such pain, even making it from one day to the next was a huge struggle... I would not have known His tenderness,  how much He loves me and cares about me, I wouldn't have known how He heals and builds up, how His faithfulness is what carried me through those times..

Each breath I take waiting on Him is a blessing. each day that goes by I am walking a bit closer with Him.. waiting on Him, surrendering my needs, I get a new glimpse of what heaven will be like one day.. undisturbed fellowship with the One who made me, the One who saved me..
living He loved me, dying He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away, rising He justified, freely forever....one day He's coming, oh glorious day...

and... another thing.. how exhilarating it is to finally get what you have been waiting for... especially if you surrendered this to Him..  learned the most important lesson, that He is all we need..
looking forward to it  :)

.. trusting and surrendering...

to surrender:
To yield; to give up; to resign in favor of another; as,to surrender a right or privilege; to surrender a place or an office.
Trust:

Confidence; a reliance or resting of the mind on the integrity, veracity, justice, friendship or other sound principle of another person.

Such big words... thinking and meditating on these today...

How quick we are to say we are surrendering our will, our life to the Lord...

How easy it is to say we trust Him in all that happens..

thinking of surrendering... yielding my perceived right ( or even ability ) to control what's happening in my life... only possible if I trust...

surrendering my will and all that matters to me to God.. cannot do that if I do not trust Him... 

when the rubber hits the road, when a loved one's health is failing, when things are scary and potentially difficult and hurtful... IF we are living what we are claiming is true for us we will not worry, we will not be anxious... we will not fret... we will not be confused, we will not be trying to manipulate or control what is happening around us... we will stand with arms open wide . our eyes and hearts focused on our Redeemer..

it is in Him alone that our hope is found.. it is in His more than capable, loving and forever caring hands our future lies.. ( and isn't that the BEST place for it???)

it is very interesting what God uses to move us on from one level of maturity to the next. it is not always the heavy and traumatic.. it could be something really good.. a blessing... 

it shouldn't surprise me that, considering He knows my heart,  He puts His finger exactly on the spot where the next growth has to happen...

it is so easy to sing "I surrender All" on a Sunday morning.. and we DID sing this  on Sunday, how funny is that.. living it minute to minute every day.. that's where the challenge lies.

it is a fact of living the life of a follower of Christ that He is never done shaping us and molding us, transforming us into His likeness... no matter what it takes..

because it is not about what my desires and wishes are, it is about aligning my life with Him so that I can be fulfilling my calling in this life. to bring glory to His name... 

To do that I need to trust Him... and trusting Him I only can if I know who I am putting my trust into..  thankfully He has given us the Word, it is there where we meet Him if we seek Him with all our heart.. each time we trust it will become easier... this is because one of His characteristics is that He is FAITHFUL... what a rare , yet most important trait... what a blessing... experienced it so many times..

a feeling of warmth and safety, a feeling we so long for , all of us, can be found in the arms of Him.. to know Him is to love Him, to know Him is to be protected and sheltered. To know Him is to enjoy communion with the One who made us... sweet fellowship, never to be taken away... and there... again, this is what it is all about...

Great... thanks Lord for making this clear... I needed this today  :)

... listening to lies... hmmm, better not...

discouraged today... listening to someone ugly whispering in my ears... shouldn't I know better than doing that?
but then again...I am in good company ... David... listen to what he had to say:

Give ear to my prayer, O God; 

And do not hide Yourself from my supplication. 

 Give heed to me and answer me; 

I am restless in my complaint and am surely distracted, 

 Because of the voice of the enemy, 

Because of the pressure of the wicked; 

For they bring down trouble upon me 

And in anger they bear a grudge against me.

  My heart is in anguish within me, 

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me. 

 Fear and trembling come upon me, 

And horror has overwhelmed me. 

 I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! 

I would fly away and be at rest. 

 “Behold, I would wander far away, 

I would lodge in the wilderness. 

discussing this this morning during our prayer time we chuckled about David... what a funny idea... to fly away as a dove.. where to? in the storm? finding lodging in the wilderness?? Seriously????????

A glimpse of longings fulfilled like NEVER before... a high... and then.. no surprise.. falling... insecurities coming to the surface.. and there he is.... the deceiver...

so.. looking up one of my own Psalms.. I am choosing to believe in what I know is truth:

I praise you oh Lord,

For You have enlightened my eyes

I can see the immeasurable riches 

Of my inheritance in You

Oh Lord I praise You

For You have given me a spirit of wisdom and knowledge

Through you I am able to discern

I can live a life that brings glory to You oh Lord

I praise You, oh Lord

For You have redeemed my life from the darkness

You have brought me out of the darkness into Your marvellous light

You broke the chains of sin and gave me freedom

Freedom to choose not to sin

Freedom to follow You

Freedom to love like You

Freedom to praise You and worship You all of my life

I praise You oh Lord 

For You have given me eternal life 

You have prepared a room for me in Your mansion 

You are always with me

Your rod and Your staff they comfort me 

You are my refuge and my rock

With You I can do everything

Without You I cannot do anything 

You are the lover of my soul

Your love is faithful and everlasting 

Your love surrounds me like a soft pillow

You love me like a father, always there for me

A father who supports, provides and encourages

You love me like a brother,

Always by my side, blessing me

You love me like a husband 

Cherishing all of me

Fulfilling my deepest desires

A fountain of never ending love and affection

You have chosen me before the creation of the world to be Yours

I am saved by faith through Your grace

Undeserved, I, a sinner,

Dead in my transgressions You came and lifted me up

You took my heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh

You gave me Your Spirit as a counsellor 

To lead me and guide me and continue to shape me and mold me

I am Your's, Lord

I surrender all I am to You 

I praise You , oh Lord

For You are the everlasting God, my Saviour

 the plans for me are to bless me and to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future... He is not playing with me, I just need to keep my eyes fixed on Him... trusting Him to bring about what He has for me in His time.. I am choosing to renounce the lies... and stand on the truth... that's right...

... PRIDE........... :S

1 Corinthians 2: 6-7 +14 We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing.  No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began.

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. 

1 Corinthians 3: 18-20 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise.  For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”;  and again, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile.”

 God's wisdom.. foolishness to those that are of this world... Human wisdom... futile in God's eyes...

no wonder I feel so out of place even in the midst of my own family...

can be hard at times, but I would not change it for the world.. the fact that because of the indwelling of the spirit I am able to discern the mind of God... that in fact I have the mind of Christ, it never fails to boggle my mind ;)

this Sunday's sermon... timely after a lengthy meeting dealing with a family "issue"... so futile and leading to destruction..

the world's definition of pride: a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired

God's definition of pride: ( it is a sin..) the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one's importance

pride, the source of most sins... the opposite of humility... a stumbling block to living life authentically as a Christian, a follower of Christ, pride... blocking the view of our part in the dysfunction and conflict... keeping us from admitting our sins... ultimately the origin of all rebellion against God...

pride tells us that we deserve happiness, we do not need God, we need to control our own lives and are more than able to, "thank you very much"...
pride fuels insecurity (yes, you read that right) fear of failure.. very closely connected to pride..  who would have thought... ( my fear to make a fool of myself and for people maybe thinking less of me than I want them to, makes me too afraid to step out and bless others with the gifts and talents God gave me... just saying')

pride leads to greed and envy... because of my heightened sense of self, I am SURE I deserve at least as much as the person next to me, and I have to have more and more and more and more..

pride leads to criticism and a judgmental spirit...

rebellion, let's taste the fruit of this tree... then we can be like God... what were they thinking?????????
but : we all deceive ourselves if we think we have no pride..

as Christians, with the Spirit in us, we have a choice, we can go with the fleshly, human rebelliousness and pride... or we can follow Christ and pick up our cross daily... we can choose to consider others as more worthy than ourselves.. like He did, even to death, death on a cross..
we can believe and act on the truth from 1 Corinthians 4 :7 For who makes you different from anyone else? what do you have that you did not receive? and if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not...
or we can chose to sin and be no different than those that do not have the mind of Christ...
if we do so we will continue to be missing out on the abundant life He has for us, we will be ineffective.. we will be hypocrites... and we will be of no use to God..
pretty scary... this is not what I want my life to be... so I am asking the Lord daily to search my heart.. and show me any wicked ways within me.. I choose to humble myself, by His strength and grace and follow in His footsteps... one step at a time.. because He is WORTH IT!
#SoliDeoGloria

...sincere love and unity of spirit....

...up early... or should I say in the middle of the night...
praying about what God has been teaching me and my cell group in the last couple of weeks..
unity... accountability question for last week:
I have sincere love for and unity of spirit with each person connected with my church..... HUGE...
when prayerfully considering this question I had to admit that this was not the case...
I have no "real" issue as in unforgivness or conflict with anyone, but, there are a few people I just don't like... they rub me the wrong way... I am not even avoiding them, they are not that close... but I do NOT have sincere love for them..
no worries, I would say maybe there are 3 people I know that would fit that category...
now, as I was praying about that I wondered what it would be that I have to do other than ask God to forgive me and give me that love for these people..
He is a great and wonderful God and when we come to Him with a sincere heart He for sure is going to answer these kind of prayers...
for 2 out of the 3 He showed me that there was one specific thing that had bugged me way back and I had never dealt with it..
I still believe that this is not a matter that needs to be addressed with the person, but it needs to be addressed between me and God...
one of the issues did not even have anything to do with me but I took on a hurt that I perceived was done to  someone .. and again, not close to the person at all, but I "self righteously" couldn't believe this person was doing this.....
wow, I have to say, He is passionate about unity when after at least 8 years or so He brings to mind something that happened in the periphery of my life... it never touched my life.. but I had judged...

in another bible study I am doing I just read another chapter on insecurity and how pride is a big factor in leading us to insecurity.. very interesting concept... pride is always at the core of a judgemental spirit... and so in the case of this one woman in my church that I cannot say without manipulating the truth at least a bit that I love her with a sincere love, I judged because I would have never done this..
funny how I would not allow myself to think this way ever without stopping myself and considering that I, by the grace of God might I not do this specific thing but am guilty of other things that this person
"would NEVER do"... then I usually let it go and thank God for forgiving me for my stuff and let the other of the hook..
either in this one case I wasn't quite there yet or... what probably happened was it was something that just was so minor and removed it didn't even show up on my radar screen...
well, He brought it to mind and I need to confess.. I need to make things right between my God and me and I will ask Him if this is a matter I have to bring before the lady involved or if I just need to let it go..
I am counting on Him to be faithful in this matter...

Unity IS so very very important to Him... maybe this is why I am up at this hour and not sleeping anymore but rather trying to process an event from long ago... that really had nothing whatsoever to do with me...
gotta love Him...

...Remembering the Sacrifice...

... I am an extrovert,   just by one percent though... so, I am also an introvert... I am upbeat and bubbly, but also prone to sadness..
today, as the first snow is falling I am listening to "Prayer for Taylor" on the CD Freedom by Michael W Smith.. and the tears are rolling down my face... a steady stream...
sadness for all those fallen... sadness for what is going on around me.. too close for comfort some of it.., sadness for the 55 million babies killed since Abortion was legalized in the United States... ( don't know the exact number for Canada)
sadness for all those that are in futile pursuit of happiness and peace while dismissing the One who made the biggest sacrifice ever...
sadness because there is so much pain and suffering in this world,
a child dying every minute of hunger, hundreds of thousands of children kidnapped and sold as sex slaves.. abuse, everywhere, in all kinds of different shapes and sizes...
hatred, revenge, jealousy, greed and selfishness...
a broken world...
and then the sun comes out again.. and all makes sense.. the Son came and gave Himself so that there could be healing, that there could be joy even in the midst of suffering, that there could be beauty from ashes... beauty in the turmoil.. a sweet fragrance of knowing and being known, of a love so deep, it touches the deepest corners of my soul... what else is there to wish for...
sadness stays but joy also remains.. and hope..
...but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.... ( Romans 5:3-5)

He will never disappoint... and so the tears are nothing bad... nothing bad at all... they are an overflow of emotion coming from my soul that knows Him in whom all hope is found... they are tears of sweet surrender to a love so amazing no one can comprehend..... Thankful for the Sacrifice...

...set free... indeed...

..Saturday morning...listening to Michael W. Smith Christmas CD I am marvelling at what my Lord has done for me..



"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36)

it is only November 5, and here I have been listening to Christmas music for a few days already..
growing up I had adopted some superstitions from neighbourhood girls... don't pretend, when playing "house" that the father has died, because then he will.... wow... our fathers were on business trips from then on, much safer it seemed..
do not listen to Christmas music other then during advent....or a member of your family will die... huge... never listened to Christmas music outside those 4 weeks before Christmas and after until January 6....

when meeting my Saviour personally in June 1994 I realized that these superstitions were just that... superstitions, and as my pastor has pointed out... it's only potentially bad luck for the black cat that crosses the road in front of your car... because it could be hit..

this year though.. I have taken it another step forward... I am going to decorate my house ( after I clean it ) today... Christmas music has been playing and I am celebrating what my Father in Heaven did for me full force... yes... just love the Christmas season..

I have been set free from so many fears that ruled my life before... fear of flying... fear of my house being broken into at night when my husband wasn't home.. fear of public speaking...

fear is the opposite of faith... so it shouldn't be surprising as my faith grows my fears subside..
it took me reciting Psalm 27 out loud at night before going to bed to overcome the fear of being alone at night.. and reading Psalm 139, just to name one, when my flight was taking off...
today, I pray before I go to sleep, or when on a plane, but I am not afraid anymore... Praise be to God!!

I know I am resting safely in the palm of His hand... He is my refuge and nothing will happen to me other than He allows... even if this potentially could mean things like your husband is leaving you.... He is there with you through it all and you will know Him and who He really is so much more... and this is a blessing far beyond anything you can ever imagine...

so Christmas music it is and Michael W Smith does not disappoint... beautiful songs.....

... pursuing peace... sticking together..

... trouble and conflict, a fact of life, happening whenever there are two or more people relating with each other..
let's look at family.. as in a "social unit".. we all value family ties and we all know that it is not always easy to get along with family members..
family members say things we don't like, do things we think are wrong, family members hurt us, they disappoint us and let us down at some point in time..
if we have a healthy understanding about what family is to be about we will try to work through difficulties and conflicts..we will forgive and reconcile and we will not forsake the get-togethers that are established...

a marriage, another place where conflict is just something that happens.... putting the other first, pursuing peace, working on the relationship and a deep commitment are the ingredients necessary to stay together forever... the heartache and brokenness that follow one spouse's walking away are the fallout of a lack of commitment and otherness ... or we could call it just  plain selfishness...

the whole suffers when one is not committed...
for some reason when thinking about this kind of stuff yesterday, I came to the conclusion that it is the same for church...questions like "how does it make me feel", "am I happy about every decision" and "what am I going to do about conflict"...  are the same questions  that come up  in any other social unit... we call it our "church family" when it gives us that cozy, happy feeling... then, like in any family, stuff happens.... and now the question is  "what will we do"...well, the bible teaches about what to do when there is conflict, it is pretty black and white, clear cut...

it shouldn't surprise us that there are many that walk away from their church family, as much as there are many that walk away from their family, or from their marriage... it makes me sad, because whenever someone walks away there is brokenness... I, like a few friends of mine know exactly how that feels when the one, that is walking away replacing the family with another one, is your husband...

so yesterday, I realized why I am bothered by some of the things that have happened to my church family in the last few years... it is just not meant to be that way.... conflict needs to be resolved, forgiveness sought and extended, peace pursued, togetherness rather than slander and gossip... walking in obedience, sticking with it, accepting suffering... for the greater good... unity.... together making the invisible Christ visible...
we are hindering what God has planned for us if we take the easy way out... and look for "happiness" somewhere else....  that's what my husband did...  and let me tell you, for us, it meant utter despair and deep wounds.... God is still bigger than any of this, but it bothers me anyways... just needed to share this...

just something that came to me yesterday.... I thank the Lord to give me insight.. He definitely clarified something for me there...

..surrendering... AGAIN....

...Sundays are great days... no matter how up or down I am I love going to my church... I love it especially now again, so familiar with the scripture that my pastor preaches on since I have been "sitting in it"  (meditating on it) for  almost a week... having heard from God what it means to me personally it is exciting to hear what He has for the whole church from this passage..
.. and sure enough.. it includes me and is very relevant for me... duh... how could it not be...
surrendering my unbelief, my instincts, my will ( that's a biggie) and my conscience, as in keeping a clear conscience... and not becoming legalistic...
so surrendering my will... my instincts... difficult to say the least.. my desires and wishes for a man in my life that loves me... my instincts to long for closeness and intimacy.... I have to let them go... very hard...
that's my prayer as I go into a new week....
that I would have the discipline to draw close and surrender myself to Him... over and over again...
I am weak, and not able to do any of this... His Spirit in me though is more than able to to do all that...
so I am ..ONCE AGAIN...  surrendering my wishes and desires... realizing that He knows best... and what is on the other side of the transformation is so much more... like it says... no eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor heart has imagined what the Lord has prepared for those that love Him.... abiding in Him... that's what it is all about....TRUST and OBEY....

...... blessing after blessing poured out on us....

..it is 8:30 pm and Day# 4 in the life of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center is coming to an end..
our Care Closet is filled to overflowing and many more lists and binders, posters and flyers and emails have been created, written and sent out...  buzzing with activity and excitement...  passionate prayer times and many blessings from God..

we have at least 8 more women wanting to become volunteers.. we will run another training in the new year.. on Friday I received an email from a teenage girl informing me that she and a friend were taking part in a project at the High School where they could potentially win $ 5000,00 and was it okay to choose us as the charity they would then donate this money to... on Sunday a woman approached me after church to tell me that if we ever had a young pregnant girl that needed a place to stay throughout her pregnancy, they would always have a spare room and would be more than happy to open their home to her...

Sunday during the service our new / old pastor with a calling to reach out to the community gave each person a toonie asking us to go to a coffee shop, coffee or tea curtesy of Georgetown Alliance Church, take our biggest bible and read through John 3-5, praying every 5 verses for someone to come and ask what we were reading... a prayer meeting at night, with 50+ people in attendance praying to be humble... like it says in 2 Chronicles 7:14
"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

God is doing great things.... we are waiting in expectation...  He is going to blow our socks off... I know it!!!

... living the purpose driven life....

.. the first week has gone by at Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center... Volunteers showed up for their scheduled times and put to use their amazing talents and skills.. each one hand picked by God for this ministry, prayer meetings every morning... "Earn While You Learn" Closet and bins sorted and organized, points assigned, little diapers ready to be handed out in Ziploc bags.. Signs printed, sign out sheets for the resource library made and so it goes on and on and on...

142 pages views on the website since it's launch, 29 on October 17th...  about 25-30 clicks each week on the Facebook ad... the Online Yellow Pages consultant so helpful and full of praises for doing what we are doing...

a youth centre coordinator coming to visit us on Wednesday next week... I would say we can be thanking God for a very wonderful and productive first week..

Be sure that there will be a HUGE deal made about our first client... I will broadcast it on all available networks and sites... you can count on that ;)

My Home schooler got a good chunk of work done and thanks to her tremendously brilliant mentor and teacher has her next 3 months mapped out and organized ( I think she is my angel..)... God is so good, providing on all levels..

Someone asked me how I liked being a working woman and I have to say I love it... never in my life have I ever felt I was  accomplishing this much ( yes, even though I was the manager of a family size company, a tutor, nurse, housekeeper, cook, maid, taxi driver and counsellor all at once.. somehow , even though I never questioned the value of being all that, I never had this sense of total satisfaction...

Thankful for the Lord to call me and orchestrate my life this way so that I could follow His calling full-heartedly ...

He has the best in mind for me... for sure...
We will be praying for the women He is going to bring and patiently continue to fix our eyes on Him who is more than able to bring about all that He has planned in advance for us to do !!! Touching hearts with His love...  # SoliDeoGloria

.. Hope for Life has been launched!!!!!!!!!! Praise God

Praise be to God... may our praises be beautiful to His ears...
listening to "Joy follows Suffering"... or my little compilation of 5 times the little snippet... my new fav, what can I say...
so full of thanksgiving and joy... a headache still... alone, again... but so thankful....
what a morning... God alone received the Glory once again #SoliDeoGloria
His works are wonderful, I know that full well, His plans are to prosper and not to harm, to give a hope and a future... turmoil and pain, suffering... but the joy follows...
His attention to detail never fails to boggle my mind... He is not only the Creator, the loving and merciful Father, He is Truth, He is Holy, and He is in total control... His mercies are new every morning and He gives us wisdom and direction... He sustains us and holds us close... he yearns for a close and intimate relationship and He will never let us down...

even before the beginning of time He thought of us... a team of 14 ladies, called by Him... at the fullness of time he called us each into His marvellous light... He gave us all a story, He ministered to our hearts.. He brought us together to make the invisible Christ visible through His love, His Spirit working through us...

tomorrow morning 10 am the doors of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center are going to be open to the public.... we will be spending many hours organizing and labelling all the beautiful baby things given to  us by the congregation and friends and our families, their generosity such a blessing.....
How blessed we are.... so ready to pass on this blessing... 5 pregnant teenage girls in Georgetown alone.. referred to us.... praying they will take the step and come... so that we can love them...
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.... we will forever Praise YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..profound, soul deep sadness... I am NOT of this world...

...once again, the weekend... a day that was supposed to be another busy one, the last few weeks have been extremely busy, turned into a day of rest... I find myself alone at home... it is cold and windy and ugly outside....  listening to the little preview that was posted of a song of the album "Glory" that will be released on November 22... another gem, composed and played so beautifully by Michael W. Smith, recording it on my iphone a few times in a row so that it makes a "real" song...
the music touches my innermost being.... my soul resonates, and tears are rolling down my face.... it's this sadness, this sadness that is so deep inside my soul...
as humans, we always are looking to explain why we feel the way we feel...
well, I have been hurt, lied to, betrayed, I have been abandoned and mistreated, not just by my Ex husband, but by other significant people in my life, I have had my share of disappointments, I made bad choices and have suffered the consequences.... but, this sadness, it is not brought on by those things alone...
it is a sadness I have felt my entire life... I think it is a feeling of loneliness and not belonging... a longing for something so deep, I am more and more convinced it is not to be found on this earth...
caught myself thinking today, that with the men in my life so far, why am I even wanting another one ... crazy...
listening to this amazingly beautiful little composition, I fear that NO ONE will ever understand me... the next thought is that He who made me understands me and my longing is for Him...
this is were the emptiness and loneliness is really rooted... living in a world where this is true :

" For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."Philippians 3:18-21)

Oh, I know so well how blessed I am to be His child... I love Him, I am so thankful for the purpose He has for me... tomorrow is the Grand Opening of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center... my "baby".... God is amazing... and still.... my deepest longing is to be home... Home with Him, who knows my heart... my Maker is my husband.. the Lord Almighty is His name... He is my Redeemer and my King... the lover of my soul, my All in All....
and so today.. I have to be brave.. my heart is heavy and sad.... not because of the things people have done to me or because I am alone... it is because I am a stranger in this world... and I feel it.... I really do..

..a Thanksgiving Blessing..

on a very positive note.... I am overflowing with thankfulness because my parents came to visit from Switzerland, we had a great Thanksgiving meal together yesterday...
My mother looks great and it is so amazing to have her back. it has only been  6 1/2 months since she one morning experienced a pain so horrible, my father said she was screaming like a dying animal, he said he had never heard anything like this before..
your intestines bursting, ripping apart .. can't be such a great thing for sure... the septic shock her body went in almost killed her... it took a very long time to regain strength and be without constant pain... the threat of the cancer returning hanging over her still...

spending time with her yesterday, she seems to be back to her normal spunk and strength... what a blessing from God... incredible...
we will never forget the 10 days in the ICU, fearing for her life and the very slow and painful weeks following..
I just had to hug and hold her over and over again since she arrived... so very thankful I still have her...

I will cherish the time we have together, continue to pray for her salvation and love her with all my heart..

Thank you Lord for healing my mother, we know it was you who did... thank you for a joy filled day yesterday.. may she come to know you as her Saviour as well....
I praise you Lord for your love for us... AMEN

...God my maker is my husband...

..seeking Him in the morning... dwelling on Him throughout the day, repeating my memory work to myself...I have found again what I had lost over the last few months.. sweet fellowship with my Redeemer... who has given me this scripture that touches me deep in my soul:


“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
   Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
   and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
 For your Maker is your husband—
   the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
   he is called the God of all the earth.
 The LORD will call you back
   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
   only to be rejected,” says your God.
Isaiah 54: 4-6


another one.. the one I decided to memorize first.. is this:

 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
1 Corinthians 6: 19-20

when I was married.. even though at times  not (in the end never at all) receiving what my soul really needed, not feeling loved or important... I would have NEVER even entertained the thought of cheating on my husband or getting some of what I needed somewhere else... Jesus, the Lover of my Soul definitely gave me everything I needed to stay true to the covenant between me and my husband..

rejected and tossed aside, replaced even while I was still thinking I was in a marriage, erased from a life together, divorced after 10 months of being separated... all of a sudden it seemed that I was not whole, I needed to be completed again by a man... with todays technical means a whole world of possibilities seemed to be at my fingertips... loneliness and the after math of a basically lifelong rejection by significant males didn't help..
clinging to Jesus for mere survival in the beginning, over time I took my eyes off Him...

so thankful today that He really never lets go of me, so thankful that my guilt and shame and His gentle interference and amazing timing brought me back into the safe place with Him...

knowing how vulnerable I really am I have chosen to memorize these two scriptures... for God, my maker is my husband... as much as I would have never cheated on my husband, even though he was, I will NOT cheat on my God and maker... until the day He releases me to the man He has for me I am going to run to Him in my loneliness and rejection.. when I feel less valuable because I am single, when I feel so utterly forgotten and abandoned... these feelings are real and they assault me at night..
by His grace I will dwell on the truth over and over again so that it will be written on my heart:
my Lord has called me back, because I am a wife deserted and distressed in spirit, a wife who married young, only to be rejected...
I trust Him that I will not have to remember the shame of my youth or the reproach of my "divorce" the ultimate abandonment by my husband..

I know I am not strong enough to pull this off, but I know that He is strong when I am weak.... that His grace is sufficient for me...I am just having to rely on that...

.. keeping me strong...

...disillusionment and self pity, wants and desires... doubting God's sovereignty and not trusting Him to want my best... exploring some territory outside His general will... wanting to believe that His specific will for me would be just a little bit outside that.. oh how good we are at justifying and rationalizing things away... I had to come to this, even though I was fighting it tooth and nails... you know the story..

but in His faithfulness, His lovingkindness, He was not mad at me, He had not turned away, His loving gaze had been on me while I was engrossed in my futile struggles to find MY happiness....

Blessed is the one 

   whose transgressions are forgiven, 

   whose sins are covered. 

 Blessed is the one 

   whose sin the LORD does not count against them 

   and in whose spirit is no deceit.

  When I kept silent, 

   my bones wasted away 

   through my groaning all day long. 

 For day and night 

   your hand was heavy on me; 

my strength was sapped 

   as in the heat of summer.

  Then I acknowledged my sin to you 

   and did not cover up my iniquity. 

I said, “I will confess 

   my transgressions to the LORD.” 

And you forgave 

   the guilt of my sin.

 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you 

   while you may be found; 

surely the rising of the mighty waters 

   will not reach them. 

 You are my hiding place; 

   you will protect me from trouble 

   and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Engaging in the SCC ( Solitude, Cell, Celebration)  lifestyle, promoted by my church... refocused and deeply immersed into His Word... this is what He said to me this week:

I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts he has given you, now that you belong to Christ Jesus.  Through him, God has enriched your church in every way—with all of your eloquent words and all of your knowledge.  This confirms that what I told you about Christ is true.  Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on the day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns.  God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. ( 1 Corinthians 1: 4-9 )

dabbling in doing things my way, since God "obviously didn't care", has consequences.. facing those this week I needed to be encouraged and that is exactly what He did... He said He will keep me strong to the end, so that I am without blame...He will do it, because He IS faithful.. when loneliness and sadness comes at night, when attacks are originating from inside my own house... He has kept me strong.. and I am encouraged...

10 more sleeps until the Grand Opening and then the next day we are OPEN... Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center is a reality... and so very needed!!!!! Affirmation of that has come our way every day!!!!!

How could I trust Him for this and not for my own personal life? It made no sense.. I am so thankful that He put things into perspective once more....