... to be known and to know... deepest level of intimacy

connecting with a sister in Christ today,  the connection so deep, supernatural, because the Spirit in us connects us, we are known by God and know God.... we have the same priorities and passions... understanding on a level that cannot be explained... it needs to be experienced... , no surprise that relationships between followers of the One that is all about having a relationship with us are so extra special and meaningful...
to be known and understood... isn't that what we all are longing for?

But whoever loves God is known by God.. 1 Corinthians 8:3


O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.



Psalm 139: 1-4 +13-16

He knows us and He cares, He promised to never leave us and forsake us, He knows us better than anyone and still loved us enough to freely give His life for us...
eternal life started the moment He lifted us out of the darkness into His marvellous light...
as we are living this life with Him, no matter what is going on, we are known by God.... loved and accepted by God... and, we can know Him, intimately... through the Spirit and His Word...
isn't that just such amazing news? faithfully following Him through the difficult and the easy stretches of our journey He is always right there, available for an intimate relationship.... #SoliDeoGloria

.. Aug 6, the Wedding and the concert....

so. maybe I should talk a little about that Saturday..... the Saturday my children witnessed their Dad getting married to someone else... sad and awkward for them, but their reality. not so much my reality anymore in the way that it hurts... just in the way of regret I guess...
that Saturday... the day for which God had given me this extra special gift, a small little intimate concert by my most favorite artist.. Michael W Smith... what I didn't know was that He had so much more for me than "just" getting to go to my 10th Michael W Smith concert ( I am kind of counting the cruise as 5 concerts)

all this said, the concert was sublime... I didn't expect anything different... it was my best one yet.... yeah...it's true... :)

when meeting with Derek the day before I had debated asking him if there was any chance I could get to do a little "Meet and Greet".. but had decided not to say anything, he is a really nice guy and I didn't want him to feel I was using him....
so anyways, when my friend Michelle and I entered the theater Derek came up to me and motioned for us to follow him... I felt like one of those teenage groupies, screaming inside ... wow... walking up to the 2nd floor .. and there it really happened.... Michael came out to meet us.... Derek had told him my story and he had said to bring me up.... now how great is that????
we talked for a few minutes, took a picture and then went back down...I couldn't believe what had just happened...
Michelle and I had had a great dinner in a cool place before the concert... we had been to the Opryland Hotel and Lifeway Christian Store in the afternoon and met again with a friend of Michelle's..... it was a full day and it was fun...

the next morning we went to her church, the Gate "simply Jesus".... He was there, Worship was amazing and the sermon was really great as well...

going back Monday morning, I had another wonderful encounter with a lovely Southern lady who was most encouraging and just blessed me...

what I thought was the gift for me, having the opportunity to go to Franklin and attend another MWS concert, turned out to be so much more.... it became this life changing, most encouraging trip I ever had...
life is back to reality... interesting new challenges, never a dull moment, that is a fact, what has not left me though is the assurance that He really, really cherishes me... I have reached a place of thankfulness, for the turmoil, the heartache, the pain and the loss, yes, it is true... without having lost everything 2 years ago I would not know Him, my Daddy, the Lover of my Soul the way I do now, I would not trust Him and know for a fact that He does indeed restore the years the locusts have eaten, much differently maybe than expected but He does, and it blows everything else out of the water... nothing compares... nothing compares, I know what I am talking about....

Michael W. Smith - I'll Wait For You - Official Music Video

this is what this man of God stands for... God is using him in a mighty way to minister to the hearts of His people... He definitely used him in my life tremendously!!!!

Just love the guy!!!!

ENJOY!!!

... 50 and not any wiser???????

... today is my brother's 50th Birthday.... where we come from, the Southwest of Germany, there is a saying that you finally become smart / wise when turning 40... he now turned 50.... hmmmmm...
one of the devotions I receive every day talked about the Name of Jesus,  and how our search for significance and identity will never be satisfied until His name is written on our hearts... so, my brother, if asked I am sure would have a lot to say about how he is so much wiser today....
the truth is, that he, like everyone else has been searching for his significance in all kind of places, success, wealth, relationships, family.... just to be disappointed again and again....
makes me think of the Donut man..... he was a Christian entertainer for little  kids, we even saw him live one day many, many years ago, when my girls were little... his message was that our hearts are like donuts... they have a hole in the middle... a hole that is in the shape of God, that until we find Him, our heart will always be empty, because no matter what we put there, it will never really fit and fill the hole..
so... wise? just because you turn 40 or 50 for that matter? Significance because of what we accomplished, what is in our bank account, or even how good a father, mother, wife or husband or friend we are, position.... all that can not fill the hole in our hearts... only Jesus can...
so today, we will be celebrating my brother's 50th Birthday... I baked him his favorite cake, made some salad and my girls will be busy preparing more food for the party we are going to throw him, on one of his "see how significant I am" purchases, his boat...
I hope all this will communicate to him that he is loved.... by us... and, I pray, that as we live a life of significance in Him alone he will see something, that  will tuck on his heart and he will finally stop resisting...

Let's consider this:
As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
“Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”
Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!  It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” ( Mark 10:17-25)

I don't think Jesus said we all have to live a life of poverty in order to follow Him, I think what He is saying is we have to stop defining ourselves by what we own, who we are, let go of our pride and admit that all we have and all we are are undeserved gifts from Him, our abilities, skills, opportunities, even the fact we can love well and let others love us, which my brother definitely knows how, it all is from Him...

my prayer for my brother and all those I love who do not know Him is that He would allow them to have a glimpse of who they really are without Him and that he would break through their pride and they would be saved.....
like my pastor keeps saying,  you never see a u-haul behind a hearse....

..brokenness... and a Super Jesus.. Franklin Weekend Take Three

coming back to Franklin, meeting with a young Christian realtor, spending an hour and a half looking at Condos...  blessed to get to know a young man seeking the Lord so earnestly... inspiring to say the least.. then, later... another wonderful opportunity, meeting with yet one more fine young man, serving the Lord and having a heart of gold... MWS's Event Manager...
returning to Michelle's house just to get ready to head out for an evening of Worship at a producer's house, and get this... the wife went to school with Amy Grant... so her husband has been producing many of her albums... that's Nashville Tennessee for you... cool...
music that was played by an up and coming young Christian Artist just ministered to my heart...Tall Angels... breath baby breathe, everything is going to be alright... Super love... Jesus, the "Super Hero" understanding our suffering and carrying us through... breathe baby, breathe, everything is going to be alright... tears were running down my face... because, like I said before, I cannot lie, this weekend was not an easy one, not for me and not for my kids.... as Jesus was saying this to me, I allowed myself to feel the heartbreak once again... not overwhelming, but sad nonetheless.. brokenness... sadness...pain..... but there He is..."Breathe, baby, Breathe... everything's gonna be alright"... thanks to Him... and Him alone!!!!!
going back home..... I knew the next day would be most special... prayed for my girls , and once again left them in the more than capable hands of my Super Jesus.... can you tell that I think He is just the best??  Following Him is my delight....

..fullness in Christ... a glimpse of Heaven...

and I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19)

fullness, for me it is this feeling of being surrounded by the soft and sweet affection of the Lord, as in a cocoon , protected and kept safe by everlasting love... filled with the strength to go on with a smile that comes from deep within... a smile because of an absolute assurance of his undying love and commitment, His faithfulness and delight in me, lowly me, nothing to offer in return than my whole entire being... my desires and hopes, dreams and aspirations....a love so heavenly, so divine.... out of this world, really...

fullness... I think I experienced this on my trip that I feel my Abba Father put together down to the littlest detail to make me feel special.... it boggles my mind He would care that much...

His people blessed me and He provided me with the perfect time away .... but not only that... he reiterated something very important to me... He drove it home a bit deeper this time... He proved to me on a total different level that He indeed is in total control and that I NEED to trust Him for everything... because I can...

this is something we all struggle with but if anything,  that's one of the better things He promises to bring out of evil intentions of others for me....  new worries that I have had over the last 19 months and have continuously given back to Him in regards to my future, financially and relationally, were put to rest in a new found way... opportunities so amazingly brought to my attention definitely communicated His commitment to take care of me and my needs...

He has empowered me during these days that magnified the heartache of the last years.... potentially this could have been a very difficult time, but in His goodness and love it definitely felt like a new beginning... a glimpse of heaven... Thank you Jesus... I love you

..the Wedding weekend.. Take Two...

where to begin... should I talk about the lovely divorced and remarried ( after 10 years :S ) lady sitting next to me on the flight that at the end of a wonderful 2 hour long conversation told me to kiss a few frogs...?
or the many hours Michelle and I spent talking that first night... sharing intimately what God was doing in our lives... even though we really only said Hi once on the cruise...
or breakfast at the Cracker Barrel and a 3 hour drive to Birmingham Alabama... the exuberant welcome I received and the whirlwind of meeting my friend Mary's wonderful friends, one after another... again, sharing our hearts, our sorrows and the love for our Lord....
the southern hospitality and friendliness so wonderful and warm....
or maybe the next morning... Mary praying over me from Ephesians chapter 1: 15-21 and how it moved both of us to tears...

"For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people,  I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.  I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength  he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,  far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."
so amazing the Lord would give her that scripture passage for me....

while the preparations and festivities for the wedding of my Ex husband were going on, and all this was communicating to everyone was that it was FOR SURE no longer about me, when this was about to be written in stone so to speak... all and everything on my trip showed me that there was One who considered me worthy enough to make this trip an experience of a lifetime, it seemed, like it was all about me (could that be? it almost made me feel uncomfortable)... it felt like not only was I received with open arms but the blessings kept on flowing...

coming home and hearing so much about the dresses, the flowers, the speeches, the people, and all the feelings my children had.... I am even more thankful than I felt on that day for being showered with all that love....
TO BE CONTINUED.....

... He Knows Best.... who would have thought.....

sitting on the plane from Nashville to Chicago, meditating on a passage of scripture prayed over me during my trip ( love you MARY) ...listening to... you can guess.... this is what poured out of my heart:  ( sorry, these posts are not in chronological order...)

I praise you oh Lord,

For You have enlightened my eyes

I can see the immeasurable riches 

Of my inheritance in You

Oh Lord I praise You

For You have given me a spirit of wisdom and knowledge

Through you I am able to discern

I can live a life that brings glory to You oh Lord

I praise You, oh Lord

For You have redeemed my life from the darkness

You have brought me out of the darkness into Your marvellous light

You broke the chains of sin and gave me freedom

Freedom to choose not to sin

Freedom to follow You

Freedom to love like You

Freedom to praise You and worship You all of my life

I praise You oh Lord 

For You have given me eternal life 

You have prepared a room for me in Your mansion 

You are always with me

Your rod and Your staff they comfort me 

You are my refuge and my rock

With You I can do everything

Without You I cannot do anything 

You are the lover of my soul

Your love is faithful and everlasting 

Your love surrounds me like a soft pillow

You love me like a father, always there for me

A father who supports, provides and encourages

You love me like a brother,

Always by my side, blessing me

You love me like a husband 

Cherishing all of me

Fulfilling my deepest desires

A fountain of never ending love and affection

You have chosen me before the creation of the world to be Yours

I am saved by faith through Your grace

Undeserved, I, a sinner,

Dead in my transgressions You came and lifted me up

You took my heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh

You gave me Your Spirit as a counsellor 

To lead me and guide me and continue to shape me and mold me

I am Your's, Lord

I surrender all I am to You 

I praise You , oh Lord

For You are the everlasting God, my Saviour

had the Lord not allowed the pain in my life, the depth of rejection and tremendous hurt, inflicted by those that were supposed to love me and take care of me, my heart would not know His love like it does, my heart would not be overflowing with thanksgiving like it is now... I thank Him for in His sovereignty allowing the sins committed against me... protecting me always from despair, like one of my fav scriptures says: But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  ( 2 Corinthians 4: 7-9 )

Praise be to Him forever Amen # SoliDeoGloria 

... processing the weekend: TAKE ONE...

..didn't take my laptop, didn't really have internet most of the time... took some notes of what was happening everyday because there was so much going on...
arrived this afternoon and my girls, all three of them were actually at home tonite... one of them is leaving tomorrow for another visit with her Oma... so we went out for dinner to celebrate all 4 of us being together in the same country..
someone suggested the kids should take numbers because there was so much to talk about...
processing a weekend like the last ... not an easy thing to do... in the end, we all are glad that this is behind us... I am just thankful that they made it through being okay... prayers were answered and God was, OBVIOUSLY, faithful, like He always is...
looking back on my weekend I realize it will take a long time for me to process what I experienced... all I can say right now is that I  am overwhelmed by the love He sent my way from the moment I stepped on the first plane  until I left Buffalo Airport today....
it feels like God, my Abba Father picked me up in His arms and showered me with all the wonderful things I could ever imagine for the whole 5 days... I have never experienced such hospitality and sincere love from people that hardly knew me... special revelations from Him, tremendous Worship times, His people going out of their way to bless me...
after experiencing the way He looked after me and blessed me beyond belief I am more sure than before that He loves me and that He is indeed a trustworthy Father, friend and lover of my soul...
He has been revealing some things to me about the plans He has for me that have put my longings and occasional self pity into perspective... He IS in control of all things and His purpose can never be thwarted... by NO ONE.. leaving my children in His capable arms was not as hard as I had expected... and even if they might not quite experience Him the way I do (YET) He still is all that for them too..... all we will ever need..... #Blessedbeyondbelief

..till death do us part...

...one week from today the man who promised to love me until death would tear us apart is going to make this same promise again... even the best man is going to be the same one.... my daughters will be at this joyous event and many of the people that one day were friends of "us".....
as the day approaches I would be lying if I were to say that I am totally fine... the truth is, I am, in regards to him no longer being my husband, to him moving on so quickly, I am, I am fine with that... I am actually relieved that I am no longer in an "existence of pain" but rather in the process of moving "through the pain"  nearing the end of it... so, all this is good, but I would still be lying if I said it didn't make me sad ... I know that my girls are going to have an awkward time and it is going to be hurtful for them to have to be a part of a ceremony that will just manifest once again that the family that was their security and meant to be a strong foundation, no longer exists... no news for them but sharing in a day like this will bring it right to the surface... difficult to say the least... I wish I could be there for them but they will have to face this one alone, not alone, but without me ... love them so much , my girls ...
heading to Nashville on Wednesday and looking forward to it so much... so thankful to be blessed this way....
today some wonderful people painted the office of Hope for Life... so exciting , measured the Care Closet for the shelving we will get put in...I have boxes full of beautiful baby clothes in my basement waiting to be sorted and put out.... all is starting to shape up, God is so good... a year ago this was a thought that was starting to form, now it is becoming reality...
Prince Charming hasn't shown up yet, he might never, but right now that is a good thing I think, really need to be there for those that do love me and need me around... and for those that need encouragement and help that I haven't even met yet... what a privilege to be of use.. so thankful for the purpose God has for my life... for His continued love and support... His blessings and provision.... the abundant life that He has promised...  and the fact that He does keep them... the promises that is... #SoliDeoGloria

.... the lover that never forsakes...

... today is July 18th...  one year and 7 months after the final break down of my marriage...
for the last 2 months or so I have been able to say that I think I am actually realizing I am fine.... it is still kind of weird for me to say that... kind of like when you have been sick for so long and you are surprised to be healthy again... especially because it seemed like something that didn't cease to shock me and leave me baffled... for a long, long time...
I remember saying to myself whenever thinking of the whole thing before ( which happened a lot... and now not any more..hallelujah) "I can't believe he did that"....
somehow I am no longer baffled... no longer hurt even... weird to say that... never had anything that hurtful happen to me and really see it being healed... so I guess that explains my surprise...
for me, this is just one more proof that God is actually really doing what He says... He tells us to be obedient and forgive and He will deal with the emotions and heal us...
as the wedding of my Ex husband is approaching I am finding myself to be totally fine with this...
I am not saying that what he did was right, and I still believe that God does not want marriages and families to fall apart, but, when people in our lives choose to sin, and we forgive them, He is faithful and heals our wounds...
I am also not saying that I am not still confronted with the consequences , especially as my children are each on their own path to healing, I am also not saying that there is not a certain regret and sadness that I believe will always be there... I am just so thankful that God has come through for me once again.
 not only has He been there all along, walking alongside me on the path to healing that led me to the deepest depths of pain, but He has kept His promise... He has restored the years the locusts have eaten...
the best thing about this is that I am not feeling this way because the man in my life has been replaced and some man is now making me happy, not at all, it is a state of contentment and joy, of realizing that my life is blessed, that I am loved and accepted... that I am never alone and that living pursuing my God given purpose in life , growing in my relationship with Jesus and persevering on the path that He has laid out for me in itself is fulfilling and a gift from Him...
I am surprised that it didn't take longer for this to happen... I am so thankful...
yesterday in church we sang one of my favorite songs.... Jesus, Lover of my Soul....
it is almost 9 years ago that my cousin was killed in a car accident... she was only 29 and had a little son... the only thing that brought me comfort at this time of grief was this song..

Jesus, Lover of my soul,

Jesus, I will never let you go

You’ve taken me from the miry clay

You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know

I love you, I need you,

Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go

My Saviour, my closest friend,

I will worship you until the very end

I realized as I was singing this song yesterday that even then He was teaching me and preparing me for what was going to happen... to cling to Him no matter what happens around us... to pursue Him and hold on to Him, trusting that when I didn't even have the strength to hold on to Him anymore He indeed would never let me go.....

I decided then and there that I would always worship Him, no matter what happened... I accepted His sovereignty and decided to believe that even in death His plans are always the best for us.

I thank Him for giving me this kind of faith... I never questioned Him knowing best... even when I couldn't  see what could be good about what was happening in our lives...

speak about believing that there is light at the end of the tunnel when you have no way of seeing even a glimpse of it....

He has never disappointed me and I am in awe of His great love.... it is, I am sure, something that will never change, it is what He wants me to tell other's about... it is all in His Great Master Plan... in His great love He saves us and gives us a purpose... He sustains us and carries us... He gives us so much more than any human being could ever give us... we need to let one another off the hook... how can a bunch of broken, sinful people ever be able to treat one another well enough, without hurting one another? let's face it, that is just not going to happen this side of heaven... so I am choosing to do it God's way... try to with His strength do my best and let go of the hurts that I am sure will continue to come my way... after all, who else can I rely on? so far  His advice has always worked out for me...

#SoliDeoGloria

.... the longings fulfilled....

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God... and His righteousness....

our hearts are longing... for  healthy relationships and closeness, for excitement, for fun and satisfaction, for success and pleasure... even for knowing Him more, for serving Him, for knowing the plan He has for our lives, our purpose.....

but rather than focusing on those longings, we are called to seek the Kingdom of God...

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:14 +17)


In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. ( John 1:1-5+14)

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. ( Jeremiah 29:12-14)

Seeking the Kingdom of God... He is there, He will be found... He who brought the light, He is the Word, the Word became flesh... knowing Him, seeking His kingdom and His righteousness, finding satisfaction and joy in the morning.... we need to come before Him, engage in a relationship, know Him, and since He is the Word become flesh there is such an easy way to do that...
seeking Him in the scriptures He will speak to us directly, His Spirit communicating with the Holy Spirit within us and giving us all we need, filling us up with His love, with joy, with direction, with purpose, His Spirit never giving up on us, slowly changing us and growing the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts...
there is so much to be gained by seeking Him first each day... we say He is our life, our best friend.... spending time with Him can be a delight... not a duty....  a time with the One whose unfailing love will never ever leave us....

Seek first the Kingdom of God... Seek Him in the morning, and let Him fill you with His love
#SoliDeoGloria

... perhaps love is like a shelter.....

Love... the deepest longing, to mean something to someone else, to belong, to matter.... it seems like the bigger part of all popular songs are talking about love... it is a mystery and we all want it....

good for us if the first two people in our life have loved us well, our parents, we do not wonder quite as much if we are worthy being loved... constant rejection and hurt seems to make the quest for love so much more important..... security, comfort, self worth all wrapped up in those two most significant relationships... then,  as life goes on we get hurt because those that we thought loved us walked away or replaced us, just didn't want us anymore, maybe never loved us.... 

but....consider this:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ( 1 John 4:10)

if we have met Jesus, and have accepted His gift of salvation... we are sure that He loves us and we cannot help but love Him....the longing is fulfilled... the hole in our hearts filled with Him and His love..

it saddens me to see how we struggle with finding this love here on earth when the expectations we have are God given, only to be met by Him.... they are there to keep us searching for Him.... because He alone loves perfectly, without selfishness and sin....

and still.... there is love to be found here and this again is a gift from the One from whom all blessings flow... going to Him in the morning and having my heart filled up with His love allows me to love well and to feel so loved by whoever God has put in my life.. no matter how imperfectly this person will love... it  will lead to a heart overflowing with love... I love that thought...

Perhaps love is like a resting place

A shelter from the storm

It exists to give you comfort

It is there to keep you warm

And in those times of trouble

When you are most alone

The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window

Perhaps an open door

It invites you to come closer

It wants to show you more

And even if you lose yourself

And don't know what to do

The memory of love will see you through

Oh, love to some is like a cloud

To some as strong as steel

For some a way of living

For some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on

And some say letting go

And some say love is everything

And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean

Full of conflict, full of change

Like a fire when it's cold outside

Or thunder when it rains

If I should live forever

And all my dreams come true

My memories of love will be of you.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ( Romans 8:38-39)

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all those things will be given unto you.... 

life was never supposed to be without Him as our top priority..... # SoliDeoGloria

... facing the bad and the ugly....

..Come see... come see with spirit eyes.....
a weekend that did not bring out the best in me... I have to admit it... thankful for the "deposit" that has been made in my heart... to guarantee my inheritance until the day of Christ Jesus... the Spirit.... revealing to me my short comings.. had a 24  hour window where: "why do I always have to do what is right for everyone else" won the battle.... decided not to and hurt my daughter's feelings....
allowing some deep and hidden stuff in her to come to the surface... and again... He never wastes our bad decisions....He is so wonderful.... that's the sunny, making everyone feel fine so that she can feel at peace, one... confronted with the fact that there are big things that are not fine... good for her to see that she too, even though she really did not want to go there, needs to face how the break up of the only family she has known has affected her....
oh the ripple effect... it makes me feel sick... the bad choices I have made along the way... even though forgiven by God for them, it breaks my heart how my dear unsuspecting children have been hurt by them...
...others have added their mistakes... in all of this, He still is sovereign... now to wrap your head around that one... :S

yesterday was a great day otherwise though, church was once again what it needs to be.... expressing to Him how important He is, spending time worshipping Him and being filled with His Word... then, the Volunteer training... a great group of women, a lot of God given wisdom ... understanding shared about what this life is all about...

news flash, it is NOT about "white picked fence happiness".... that's not why we are here... that's not even why we are going to be opening the doors of the Pregnancy Center in September...
 it is to point people to Him, who alone has the answers to our questions... who is the real reason we are here... who we get to know better as the bad choices and the sinfulness that are a fact of this broken world assault us... who is the only Hope for Life we have... life abundant and life eternal...

watching your children grow up and mature... a blessing but also hard.. very hard... especially when guilt that has already been nailed to the cross could be the outcome... now that is not what God has in mind for anyone....
heard something very good and encouraging yesterday: we all are children of the perfect parent, God... and see how we are struggling... He never has made any mistakes and yet, we are rebellious, stubborn and just don't get it right.... He let's us figure it out... after asking my daughter  for forgiveness and promising her to be the one who will do what is right for everyone else next time her father comes to visit and acts accordingly, I am now just letting go of my need to control things so that my child is happy and let her figure it out... my prayer is that she will learn to go to her perfect father.... the One who is mine as well..... because He will never let her down, like I did yesterday...
#SoliDeoGloria

...the heat is rising... get out of the pot and be holy

when reading the Word throughout our lives as followers of Christ.. drawing close to Him, getting to know Him better, it is inevitable to understand more and more that even though He loved us when we were still His enemies, even though He knew of all the sins we would commit in our life time on this earth and paid for all of them when He gave His life on the cross, even though He will always welcome us back after we have turned away and gone astray for a while..... even though all of this is true... His Word tells us again and again that we too need to be Holy, like He is Holy....

overwhelming and unattainable without Him, still extremely hard with His Spirit in us...

wondering if in the big scheme of things the Lord also allows others to sin against us so that we can get a better understanding of how Satan really works... how subtle he is in deceiving us...

together with a dear friend who finds herself in a similar situation, trying to process what happened, it became clear to me that the sinning, the utter disregard of what we know is right, is not something that happens randomly all of a sudden... rather it is the consequence of slowly drifting away, distancing ourselves from God and buying into one little lie at a time...

 this is why this is so very dangerous... this is why we all are more than capable of all the sins out there, even though we might not want to admit it...
the husband starting an affair did not get up from His amazing quiet time with His Lord , celebrating His vibrant relationship with Jesus.... just to make a 180 degree turn and dismiss all he ever believed in...
no, it must have been a slow process of accepting things as okay that were  in the " grey area"

be holy... be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14

when walking down the slippery slope of disobedience, at first we are just giving in a little bit to something... the escape route is still pretty wide...and easily accessible... each lie we believe takes us further down the road that leads away from God.. and the window we could climb through to escape becomes so small, the effort to squeeze ourselves through ends up to just be too much... in the end... we just take the last little plunge... it is not such a big step anymore...

so what are we to do... we need to be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

and... we need to pray this...
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

and deal with it... repent... walk away, stop before, like the frog in the pot of water on the stove is slowly getting used to the heat and dies, we are so okay with sinfulness that committing that sin is no biggie anymore....

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do;  for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
1 Peter 1:14-16

#SoliDeoGloria

.... "There She Stands" by Michael W Smith...

I have to apologize to my Canadian friends...  I am so thankful for having been able to live in this wonderful country for the last 19 years, I became a Canadian in 2004, and I am proudly voting whenever I can, pay my taxes and studied all about the provinces and everything... have never been out West, but all the way to Prince Edward Island... all I have seen is beautiful and it is such a privilege to live here...

today, though, is the 4th of July... and, listening to the man sing about this neighbour country of ours, who plays the strings of my heart like no one ever has or ever will ( yes, that's what I believe... I will gladly allow myself to be proved wrong :).... singing  "there she stands"... with a music video that has no comparison... ( something to be learned here Lady Gaga and fans :S ) tears well up and my heart resonates in a way that I cannot comprehend or explain...

thinking about this on Canada Day.... born a German.. chosen to leave my roots behind, I have embraced what I think is my citizenship in Heaven... this is not my home, neither is Germany... nor even the United States of America, even though I cannot lie... I would love to live there one day... Franklin Tennessee really sounds like a great place to me right now..... ;)

we are not of this world yet called to live in it... for one reason only.. to share the Good News with those that do not know and freely share His love with others... this is wherever he will call us to be and do that..
working on the finishing touches of the website for Hope for Life today, I am in awe and full of excitement again at the opportunity... so, it doesn't matter.... Hope for Life in Georgetown, Ontario or Miriam's Promise in Nashville, TN.... ( yeah... that's what they have there... now if that is not a sign I want to see one...) or an orphanage in South Africa or an agency working fiercely to stop Human trafficking in India.... when He asks me " who will go?" my answer is: "me... use me...."  Because I want to be right smack in the middle of His will for me... because I am sure that this is the very bestest ever place for anyone who loves the Lord like I do!!!!

in the meantime I am getting busy with what He has entrusted me with for now.... so exciting!!!!!!!!!
#SoliDeoGloria

.. @MichaelWSmith in 36 days... GOD is GOOD all the time

Canada's Birthday today... 144 years... do you know that the little 1000 people village I come from in one forgotten valley of the Black Forest was first mentioned sometime 1000 AD????? so sorry, I cannot relate...but, anyways, I am thankful and blessed to have spent the last 19 years in Canada...

trying to figure out what we were usually doing on Canada Day we came to the conclusion that very often, even last year, we were at the cottage... this year, no cottage, one daughter on a fun road trip with her Dad, for a week, so much fun, I am very happy for her... and then, the other two, we had a nice late breakfast on the patio... did some tanning... but now they are both gone... to see the boyfriends... and I am happy for them, even encouraged them to go... sweet girls....

God knew that I felt a little lonely and left out today... and, He prepared some piece of amazing news for me today... it could have been announced yesterday, or tomorrow... or any other day.... but it was put on facebook today...

so , when coming inside because it was just a bit too hot, I went online and I saw it.... it could not have been any better news for me... there is nothing that could have made me feel more loved and taken care of....... today Michael W Smith's Event Manager, a great guy called Derek, put it up..... there is a concert in Franklin, Tennessee, at the Franklin Theatre, a concert to benefit the theatre... by, you guess it I am sure, Michael W. Smith.... this concert is on August 6, 2011.....

it makes me cry to think that once again my God has cared enough to meet ALL my needs, not necessary, because I would have been fine, but so very precious.... once again, He is using one of His followers, the one the has used the most in touching my heart in my journey of turmoil of the last 2 years,
to be there to minister to me on a very difficult day, the day my Ex husband is getting married...

I am so much better, but it is to be expected that this is going to be a difficult day... so now, I don't just get to go and do something fun with friends... I get to travel to Nashville, to Franklin, for a few days and on the day get to enjoy a concert of the World's bestest ever Artist, in his hometown... missed the weekend there with him, because of my little daughter's health scare... but now am rewarded in such a way... it blows me away... I am crying... because, let's face it..... isn't He just so wonderful to me?

... better is one day in your courts...

a little more than a year has gone by since I started blogging, inspired by one of the new friends I had made after embarking on this journey of Miriam, the single woman...
288 posts later , that's crazy, here I am....
proud mother of three wonderful daughters, who have grown up and matured tremendously in the last 12 months... all three of them a daily delight for me...
loving daughter of my wonderful mother, love more freely shared and expressed since almost losing her 3 months ago... forgiveness and full reconciliation .....
connected a lot more to both my brother and my sister... learning more and more about grace and accepting people for who they are...... ( duh... about time... )
thankful to my friends, and to the One who gave them to me....
Director of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center, which will be opening it's doors God willing in September 2011... a ministry the Lord had placed on my heart years ago...
strengthened in my faith,  refined a bit more... impurities, some of them at least, brought to the surface and skimmed off... shaped and formed a little bit more into His likeness I hope through walking with Him like never before...
still trying to figure out charting the waters of "singlehood" a little scary and very confusing at times... but He will lead me and guide me in this area as well...
looking back coming up with a theme is not very hard.... forgiveness and trust...
forgiving, a daily habit, trusting Him more and more each day when you cannot make out the light at the end of the tunnel and only your faith tells you it is there.... helps very much with the day to day trust in "normal" circumstances...
I knew, believed it, that there would be a time when I would be able to look back and see the good in all the bad and could full heartedly thank God for entrusting me with the hardship....
I know He knew that I could handle it, He allowed it to show me that I could, He allowed it to burn away unnecessary stuff in me... to make me more like Him, to show me just how much I really needed Him, to reveal to me how much He loved me and how trustworthy He really is.... wow....
I didn't enjoy some of the process, but I am thankful for it...
My God reigns... the Creator of the Universe is my refuge and my rock, He leads me to quiet waters to restore my soul, for His name's sake... surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.... better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere... and that's just the truth.... #SoliDeoGloria

.... the Affection of Jesus....

learned something new in church today... no new facts, but a thought and a feeling was given a name... straight from the WORD!!!!
had read this passage many times before..  never picked up on it before though...Philippians 1 : 3-11.... talks about the "affection of Jesus"
so excited to be able to put a name to the tremendous love I feel for so many people in my life...
since becoming a Christian I have encountered many fellow believers and have felt that overwhelmingly intense love for them, pure and wholesome, it still has left me at my wit's end sometimes because I didn't know what to do with it... reaching out with encouraging words, acts of service and help and a commitment to pray for them, delighting in their company... all of that sometimes just didn't seem to be enough....

truth is I love them with the affection of Jesus.... how exciting is that.... the most wonderful kind of love there is, Agape love, totally unconditional and selfless... a sacrificing love... a love that does not expect anything in return... but out of this love one is willing to lay down his life .. giving of my time and attention freely....
He loves us like this.... He did give His life... He is intimately involved in our lives, willing to give us all His attention and all the help and support we ever need....

 2 years ago, after my heavenly Father gently had led me through the 13th chapter of Corinthians, burning away any selfish fiber in my heart ( like only He can )... any expectation and demand... when by showing me how I had failed to love my husband the way He had wanted me to, He enabled me to do a better job loving like this...

it baffled all my brothers and sisters in Christ back then, why God would have done that only for it being too late, for him to walk away anyways... wondering why the timing seemed to be so off...
well, with God nothing is ever off.... I think He purified my heart, taught me even in a marriage setting to love His way and then released me..  for such a time as this... my future, my hope... the marvellous plans He has for me... I am loving my mother, my sister with this love again, and even my Ex husband ... never had a problem to love my kids that way... and my fellow Christians....

prepared for a new life with the man that God has for me... it fills me with excitement... and anticipation...  (patience  still an issue sometimes  :(  )... but I know that He is good... He  always is....

the affection of Jesus... such a wonderful, wonderful thing.... such a precious gift, undeserved and all consuming... filled up inside with it... it is a privilege to share it.... #SoliDeoGloria

..... tossed to and fro......

the early morning frenzy... making smoothies, lunch, cutting up fruit for snacks, feeding dogs, and getting all but the dogs out of the door is once again done for a whole week.... wow...

sitting down with my puppy on the couch to entice her to eat her food... ( because otherwise she will not eat until later at night and then wake me up at least twice to have something to drink and then pee, in the middle of the night... ) I am praying and thanking God for the new day... I am praising Him for the fact that this time the feeling of
 " I guess I am really getting over this finally" is not just a short lived peak just to fall back into some pit of sadness......

looking back, sharing my "vast experience" ( :S ) with a friend who is going through it now too, the statement that the healing does not come as a nice slowly moving up kind of process but rather this up and down roller coaster that has you trying to hold on for dear life it moves so uncontrollably fast... is such a TRUE statement....

it seems that after some time and some healing work by the Healer this little tiny vessel called Miriam has entered smoother waters... realizing that there is no quick fix and that one of the things one needs to be committed to is to live all the ups and downs and continue to trust God, even though depending in what direction  and how high up you are being tossed, you might wonder if He is really there.....

after that Wild Water Ride of the last 2 years I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He indeed is at work even when we feel so utterly helpless, alone, hurt and forgotten.... He works through those feelings and applies His healing one little layer at a time....

at first you don't even notice it... after all, circumstances sometimes rip the thin layers off again, and that hurts more than just taking off a band aid.... but, He keeps on doing it... at all times, every day, every minute .... and..... if we continue to be obedient, forgive those that have trespassed against us, we will one day look up and realize that the waves around us are not high anymore... peaceful waters are surrounding us and such a surge of love fills our hearts, because we know that we know that we know that it was ALL Him, it is because He is what we are not... consistent, faithful and reliable... ALWAYS....

looking back I can see that many of the "battle fields" I had been living with for so long now are at peace... relationships restored and love flowing freely again.... sickness and tragedy have burned away tension and hang ups and yes, His plans are to prosper and not to harm... even when that's hard to see for the little boat that is tossed to and fro.... they are to give  hope and a future... a peaceful future in the arms of the Saviour...

I am not an Amusement Park / Roller Coaster / Wild Water Rides participant... but I have watched my kids do all of them many times... crazily steep hills and jerky turns and curves are followed by quieter stretches.... just before another wild and scary part is about to come...

in "real life" when walking with the Lord... there for sure are going to be more scary and unsettling circumstances around the next corner as well, the difference is that as He carries us through the bad, we learn to trust Him more and more and because of our personal experiences of His faithfulness in difficult situations, His perfect and LOVING plan.... we are not tossed about the way we were before...
my mother's illness, my daughter's cancer scare.... they all did not take away the peace I had.... and I am so thankful for that..... I am so grateful, I am more than happy to honor Him and praise Him and exalt Him through all that I do ( or at least really try)....... it's all I can. do.. Love Him with all my heart... give Him my life... and tell other's about Him....... they need to know just how wonderful He is.... #SoliDeoGloria