..hope in what?

pondering all that is on my mind and heart...my own issues, those of family and friends... some of the things seem unsurmountable... thinking about praying and hoping and trusting I thought I go and check out what this hope that we as children of God can have really is... so what is hope...


I found these verses and thought that the context is quite important as well... 


so here we go, Romans 5:3-5


More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.


and a little further down...
 Romans 8, 18-26:


I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.  For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.


so hope in God, not in luck or chance, or destiny, or the stars... in God, will not put us to shame, or disappoint... because by His spirit in us... we are able to trust and wait patiently.... and even when our hope does not get fulfilled exactly the way we wanted it.. we continue to trust and believe that the One who saved us knows best and in the end all will work out for the good of those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose...


so, my hope for a successful surgery and a full recovery for my mother, my hope for one day living without grief over my loss, my hope for a family dispute to be solved amicably and for dear friends to find healing and peace... is in God, in His perfect plans, in His Mighty Power and I will patiently wait and continue to lift those worries up to Him...tell Him about it in our closest moments... and I know, that He is never ever going to let me down... because if there is one thing I am sure of it is that I love Him for eternity....


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

... Nurse Miriam and choices.....

.. a birthday spent with my mother... the last few hours I have been nurse Miriam, dealing with her preparation for her Colonoscopy tomorrow.. a privilege for sure...
getting up early to make the 2 hours trek down the mountains with her  2 hours up again after... will take her to the hospital Thursday afternoon for the surgery on Friday...
have been thinking what this day also used to be a bit more the last few hours.. difficult... just watched a documentary on German TV about abortion... hard for me, the intellectual, totally faith-less way of looking at things.... made me think about what happens in a world without God... where man/woman decides lead only by their own feelings... void of a deeper responsibility for their own choices, an accountability to God.. our own feelings become our guide... because we feel a certain way we have no trouble at all justifying those choices even if our conscience bothers us....
staying in a marriage that fails to make me happy????  I just want to be happy... really?????
a child, a baby... not convenient, or scary... without God no hope for support and help...  sad, so sad...
I know what I am talking about... I left a marriage many years ago for that reason, I had an abortion because I had no support, and it was just not a convenient time... I do understand it, I am guilty of doing the same thing...
I also know the consequences... I know the impact my choices have had... on me, my children... I wasn't aware of my responsibility and accountability... back then....
but I know it now... and my heart breaks for all those poor unsuspecting people that are so empty inside... no one tells them about that God has indeed given us His "rules" to protect us from the consequences... that He is there to help... the unhappy marriage..with His help and a willingness to humble oneself and repent and follow Him by both partners there is HOPE, there is happiness...
the baby... with His help and support we can do it... we can.....

living with the knowledge that my choices have caused others consequences, that my children are the ones that are walking around with them does one thing in me for sure... it makes me passionate to share with them and everyone who dares to talk to me about these issues ;) it is not worth it to disobey God... there is no real benefit in the end... happiness.... a very fleeting feeling... the blessing of obedience... eternal....
today... my prayer is that He will continue to use me .... that those wrong choices of mine are by His grace bringing about something good after all.... choices that honor God... I love you Lord...

... Birthday Celebration.....

..so different than my last visit here... such a blessing, something I would have taken for granted up until then, my mother sitting on the couch with me in Celerina... staying at our family’s place during my last visit was weird... because it was really only a place for us to sleep and change clothes... I think we had one ”real deal meal” there the whole 2 1/2 weeks I spent there.... no hanging around talking for hours like my mother loves to do... well, this time... all 3 of them standing there at the Celerina Bahnhof... picking me up... I had been wondering if my mother would come to pick me up or if it would be too much for her... but there they were... all three of them..... so very happy to see especially her, looking as well as on the pictures from Mother’s Day.....
“lounging around” on the couches for hours talking, my mother, my daughter and I... a gift from God....


today, my mother’s 71st Birthday.... born in 1940 during the war... her first 5 years, with a father absent because of war, a mother trying to bring up her baby with limited resources, my mother remembers distinctly having to go to the bomb shelter in the middle of the night... leaving her with a deep seated fear that manifested itself when she was expecting her 3rd child... she only had 2 hands... what if she had to flee somewhere, she could only hold on to two children at once... thanks be to God she never had to run from anything when we were little...


waiting to start the birthday celebrations with a beautiful breakfast and  the opening of gifts I am marveling at God’s plan for our lives... the fact that every little detail is His, from Him, that nothing escapes the sovereignty of our Father in heaven... from the day we are born into this world until we pass on to be either with Him or apart from Him for eternity He is intricately involved in our details.... allowing our choices bad or good only to lovingly teach us and refine us... never because He doesn’t care but because He cares.. changing us gently... the goal always to make us more like Him..


I do love the English language.. one of the reasons is this saying... when difficult things happen they can either make us bitter or better...He always has the better in mind... but we have the choice... we can become bitter and full of resentment and hatred, choosing not to forgive... or we become better, more like Him, learning to forgive quicker, trusting Him more and becoming more patient and peaceful... more like Him...


as Christians we can be sure that around the next corner the next challenge is awaiting us... it is our choice... will we willingly walk with our Saviour and be transformed into His likeness more and more or will we resist and fight against it.. to the detriment of those around us and our own... because... let’s be clear about this.. He will bring about the changes in us, it just depends how much pressure it will take... how many heartaches and conflicts.. in my mind it is a no brainer.... being obedient is the better choice.....

... train ride through the mountains...

....five and a half weeks have gone by since I have been on the SBB, the Swiss Railway... never thought that I, the one who hates the whole “flying to a different continent thing” just because it makes me ill.... my body can’t really take it... never thought I’d have been to Europe 3 times in the last 6 months... crazy....

first trip was in December... to Poland for the World Championship of Dance with my daughter... then, an emergency, my mother suddenly in the hospital... my mother ... she was not supposed to ever get sick... but there she was, needing her children around her.... and then this time... it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow and I promised her when she  finally woke up after 10 days in the ICU that I would come back for her birthday...

remembering as a little girl how much I loved to sneak into my Mami’s bed at night, when she was still up... sinking my face into her pillow... the smell of comfort security and love...

her skin so soft... her eyes so loving... taking such good care of me....

how could my feeling dizzy and nauseous for days keep me from bringing her joy on her birthday... a birthday that could so easily have been the first one we just would have been able to remember her... a horrible first... missing her instead of celebrating it with her...

now my mother’s birthday for many years also used to be my anniversary.... last year was the first year for this to be a day of grieving and heartache for me... a nice trip last year to Italy, Capri to be exact... celebrating my mother’s 70’s birthday... no compassion from her for me being saddened beyond belief...

this year... asking me a few times in the last few weeks if I was still sad and I admitted I was... so different from last year... thanking God for that......

so I am choosing tomorrow to focus my attention on the blessings at hand rather than on what I lost... what was torn from my heart.. I will be grateful for a mother who still smells so good and whose skin is so soft, and who, even though I wasn’t so sure if she loved me for a while, still looks at me with these eyes so full of love...

my heart is overflowing with love while at the same time the loss still hurts so much...

and through it all I am held... in a tight embrace, by the One who I love with all my heart and mind and soul, because He first loved me, when I was still an enemy of His... He died for me... so I might not have had much “luck” in love ... but I am assured of the love of the Eternal One, Emmanuel, God with us..  and as much as I am longing for a prince to come and sweep me off my feet... and to live happily ever after... I already have more than I ever need or deserved for that matter....

Praise be to the Lord..... I will be forever grateful.....

... great sermon sending me off...

.. just in between packing and getting everything ready for me to leave... a few thoughts...
great sermon, once again, so blessed to be part of an amazing church family, led by the most amazing Pastor and Elders...
there are no "bad " things happening to His people... sad things, painful things, "unfair" and sinful things happening, making us sad, hurting us beyond our worst imaginations, conflicts and trials... hard stuff, but not bad... because God promises to work EVERYTHING out for the BEST of those that love Him...

trusting Him for that and really believing it is the key to finding the peace that is ours in Christ Jesus...
believing that He really came to die for my sins... the price that He was willing to pay for me to be saved... being authentic and open and in community with my fellow believers... I don't have to carry my burden alone... and lastly... focusing on what it is all about... eternity with Him and following well while here... taking our eyes off ourselves and pressing on.... in His strength...
looking back over the last year and 5 months... all this has been proven to be true.....
as much as I sometimes cannot see what the good that God will bring out of this is... most of the time I can... and even if I couldn't, I definitely trust Him more for this today than ever before..
My church family has been my support... and still is... I know that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed for Him to die on a cross for my sins.. and He did... and... taking my eyes off myself since last summer definitely has helped in giving me strength to keep on going...
All for His glory... so, as everything is a bit hectic and I am leaving my kiddies and puppies alone AGAIN... I am trusting Him for them as well.... my youngest still sick, please pray that she will be getting better each day... even without her Mami being there....
getting on this plane tonite... thankful and full of hope, for God turning everything into something good for those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose....
# SOLI DEO GLORIA

... pondering life....

.. so we didn't get the BBQ today after all... but we still had the burgers and the full spread.. my girls are making Birthday cards for my Mami... it's raining and my Jesus is loving us... God willing when I come back I will have a screen door and a new thermostat that I can actually set to the temperature I want... now that would be a treat...  ;)
my little puppy as always, attached to me...sitting on my couch pondering life...
when He came and rescued me from the pit of hopelessness and self destruction, senseless and meaningless striving... futile and frustrating struggling.... He saved me because He loved me... but that was not the only reason... not at all.... He saved me to make Himself known to the world, the world He created that is dismissing Him, belittling Him and disobeying Him... He laid out the path of my life, being the All Knowing God that He is... to need Him, to cling to Him, to love Him with that passion He created in me, to have my heart broken just for Him to catch me... to be heart broken by what breaks His heart.. to love like He loves, to be compassionate like He has compassion on His people, to seek Him... to share Him and to depend on Him for everything....
 to thank Him for everything, to ascribe worth to Him in the presence of those who deny Him, and don't know Him.... SOLI DEO GLORIA....
it's all from Him... without Him I am not able to love, to bless, encourage or comfort...through Him I can be like Him, by His grace He transforms me, trial by trial... more and more into His likeness and that... that is worth all the tears... to know Him is what it is all about... to draw near to Him and find the acceptance and the love, the value, the significance... to be able to accept HIs will and thank Him for it... not to worry about tomorrow... but to leave it in His capable hands... a decision each time, not always easy but the right decision nonetheless..
they are still working away my girlies... love them so much... missing the one who isn't here but so thankful she is blessing my mother right now... reunited with her on Monday...
God is good, he is merciful and just, He is the Lover of my Soul... I am known by Him... how precious..
He has prepared good works for me to do and... best of all, He has prepared a room for me in His mansion.... that beats all...... do you know Him?????

...what if Your healing comes through tears.....

... plans are shaping up... plane ticket printed, train schedule checked... plans made for the birthday dinner with my mom, on wednesday taking her down the mountains for her Colonoscopy and up again afterwards... praying the vertigo meds will work and driving myself will help as well... if all is okay surgery on Friday...  my head is spinning... actually my whole world was literally spinning earlier... heart racing and sweating... no idea why..... better now... phew..
wow... busy and crazy and so wonderful at the same time.... will see my mother on Monday afternoon... thankful to have her... loving her so much...
meetings all last week for the Center.. all of this is coming together as well... first volunteer meeting last Thursday... encouraged by the love and compassion that was felt in the room..
God is going to use us, what an amazing privilege...  blessings all around... looking quite different than imagined at times... but so much more precious and dear.. His loving hand never letting go, gently leading me along the path he knows will be best... for each of us...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

such truth, such blessing.... this world, all our dreams and hopes and longings it can never satisfy... trusting Him completely to lead me... wondering how many sleepless nights and tears it will take......

Laura Story : Blessings

.."inviting" His sovereignty...

..I do love following these wonderful Christians and Christian organizations on Twitter.... many humble and wise people tweeting a scripture or a challenge.. I have found that very often something speaks to me and makes me think, and pray, and check stuff out in my bible..
this morning... after waves  of discouragement lately... I read a blog from one of the Nashville pastors I like a lot... ;) pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville... Pete Wilson..
challenged by him to think about and realize what my "State of Deception" is... accepting the fact we all are in a certain state of deception at all times ... he quotes Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man,  but in the end it leads to death.
Jeremiah 17:9 explains it even better: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
wow... scary.... so what is the "State of Deception" I am in?
I am guessing it is "feeling devalued and abandoned"... have stayed there for too long... time to move on, not just accepting God's sovereignty but inviting it, applauding it and celebrating it... truth is, that the plans He has are to prosper and not to harm, to give a FUTURE and a HOPE... it is true... it is something very good... I am special... He refines me... He uses me... He loves me... He blesses me beyond anything I could have ever asked for...
I am deciding to step out of this state of deception and let go of the "self pity" because what others might have intended for evil He only allowed because He has something so much better for me...
 so...what state of deception are you in?????

... Mother's Day....

...Mother's Day 2011.... the 47th Mother's Day I have experienced... and I admit... can't remember the first 3 or 4... I do remember picking flowers for my mother, Lily of the Valley and "Himmel schluesselchen" ( "Keys to Heaven"... one of my most favorite wild flowers... they don't grow here unfortunately)  making crafts for her and bringing my gifts plus some breakfast to her bed...
then, the last 22 years I have been a mother myself... beautiful paintings and cakes and flowers... hand made cards and beautiful words... have spent Mother's Day at Dance Competitions a few times already... today was another one of those...
last year, my mother hadn't quite dropped the bomb on me that she thought it served me well to have my husband lie and cheat on me and leave me... that happened a few weeks later... but I had found out that she too had betrayed me by, 6 weeks after he walked out on me, taking him and his "girlfriend" out for dinner...
this year... one of my beautiful daughters spending mother's day with my mother... posting pictures on facebook... arranging for a wonderful Mother's Day for her...
this year... talking to my mother I could hardly keep it together... because... I almost lost her 6 weeks ago... never before have I been that thankful for still having my mother around...
I don't think I have ever loved her more than I do today... the last 47 years of my relationship with my mother have not been without disappointment and sadness... I have let her down, and she has hurt me...
but we have forgiven each other and today there is only the love between a mother and a daughter...
today I missed my mother a lot... today I would have loved to spend the day with her...
sending a card over for her  was all I could do.... calling her and telling her how much I love her....
teary eyed even now thinking of her...  she looks good... what a miracle she is still alive and doing so well... spending these days in the ICU watching her vitals 24/7... praying for that exact miracle... tends to make one a bit emotional...
thankful for my daughters and my mother on this day... deeply touched by how blessed I am to be the mother of these three...  praising God for His mercy and love for all of us... the deep emotional bond we have... a bond that can never be broken... unlike other's we believe are there forever only to find out they weren't after all....  my heart is filled with joy and gratitude.... looking forward to seeing my mother real soon, celebrating her birthday with her... I am going to make every day I have with her count... count not only for the here and now but by His grace for eternity...

... ruined for this world..... a good thing...

... went through a little time of wanting to take my destiny into my own hands, helping God along a bit, you know... we all do it...  knowing full well that He does NOT need my help..... okay okay....
so... encounters with the "world"...... safely keeping enough distance ... but still... had to find out again... He does know best... who would have thought.... hahahaha...

reminded again, my citizenship is in heaven... I am not of this world... I am in the world, but I am a foreigner... when the Lord of Heaven and Earth claimed me as His own almost 17 years ago He basically "ruined" me for this world...

living mostly in this "Christian Community Bubble", where we all have the same kind of core values and beliefs.. I am shocked how different the values of the world really are... and how "weird" I have become in the world's eyes... the funny part is that only 2, 3 generations ago I would have fit in very easily....

 so am I some dusty, forgotten, old fashioned lady that is stuck in the past? hung up on things that have been "improved"...  someone silly and narrow minded?

this is one way of looking at it, but on the other hand...  God gave us morals and values and a guide to living thousands of years ago.... people have been following these laws and guidelines all throughout the ages... there have always been others that ridiculed them, even persecuted and killed them for it...
could it be that I should be thankful I don't fit in? taking every opportunity to reflect who God is to people and not be troubled that I am just not a citizen of this world but of heaven?

Philippians 3 :18-21
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.  Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

for sure... in my case today I was protected again by my loving Father in Heaven...  faithfully answering my prayers of closing doors I shouldn't go through...

reality is, He doesn't need my help. I need more patience... I should not and can not compromise... I am His and that is the end of it. once again He rescued me from myself... I asked Him to and He did...

...the way of the wicked will perish... you wanna reconsider????

living in this cyber age... cool.. but then again.. so not cool at all... so great that I know what's happening with friends all over the place... can pray for them or contact them to see if they need help... nice to see pictures of joyous events, hear about news the moment it happens.. but then again... sometimes we see a lot more than is good for us...
children finding themselves in a place of harassment, bullying is rampant..because it is hidden ... things can go on in the privacy of one's phone.... pictures taken and broad casted instantaneously.... Saddam Hussein's beheading.. other things that should not be seen because they are immoral.. and then... evidence of things well known... but do we need to SEE it too????
being able to check in with loved ones... making sure they are fine... so wonderful... seeing a picture of something hurtful... just evil...
living in a world where Romans 1 is happening in VERY close proximity.... "Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.  They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,  slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;  they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.  Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

at times the darkness is just a bit too much, because it is so near... allowed to come so near by those that can know better and therefore have no excuse....
there is going to be judgement... God will not be mocked...

this is truth:

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

cyber age, science, technology and all the knowledge the world is so proud of... all material things and the so called "Good Life"... it all is not going to do anything for those that did not find it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God.... consequences will be dire... repent.. for the day is near... God cannot be mocked... and this IS the truth!!!

... A Royal Wedding....

..what a beautiful wedding.... a foretaste of heaven... a glimpse... a ray of hope.... 230 plus years of marriage between the 4 sets of grandparents... a strong Christian heritage...
a bride and a groom , devoted to each other, but most of all devoted to Christ and committed to following Him, living out the mystery of marriage, a picture of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church...
never ever have I been allowed to witness something so wonderful and pure, such joy and happiness and emotions, openly shared by the parents, the siblings and the couple themselves...
beauty inside and out... filling everyone"s heart with hope and joy!

the other part of this for us, me,  "a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young,
only to be rejected" still reeling from the pain that resulted from those exact promises being broken by the one who pledged to be there for better and for worse...
my children...one of them breaking down, clinging to me sobbing, when the Father of the Bride  and the Bride danced the Father-Daughter dance ... this was the song they were dancing to:

She spins and she sways to whatever song plays

Without a care in the world

And I'm sitting here wearing

The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day and there's still work to do

She's pulling at me saying, "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited

And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed

She wants to know if I approve of the dress

She says, "Dad the prom is just one week away

And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

She will be gone

But she came home today with a ring on her hand

Just glowing and telling us all they had planned

She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away

And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

..in this moment, my little Cinderella allowed herself for the first time to feel the sadness and pain... to see and hear and feel the love between this father and his daughter... it was too much for all of us....

sadness, that when these precious daughters of mine will get married, the brokenness will be obvious to everyone... there will not be a godly Grandfather sharing advice and wisdom he has received from God, there will be Step- and Ex-es all over the place... there will be awkwardness and doubt... trusting in the promises will be so hard for them....

yesterday we were allowed to witness a Wedding more beautiful than even the Royal Wedding...  I knew that it would be emotional for me and for my girls... I didn't expect the break down but I am thanking God for it, she has held all this bottled up far too long... my poor, little princess clinging to me for dear life and shaking from the aftermath of the sinful choices made without any regard for her well being... it broke my heart nevertheless...

my prayer is that the chains will be broken by this generation,  the fact that my two older girls ended up discussing how important it is to be married to a strong Christian gives me hope, hope that maybe in a couple of generations there will be a young couple that can look back to such a godly heritage...  that those witnessing it would feel the blessing of God like all who were there yesterday ...

the Son was shining His light on this day and on the young couple... and it was beautiful... Praise be to Him from whom all blessings flow...

.... righteous anger....

when in the temple courts in Jerusalem, not long before Jesus was going to be betrayed... we see a side of Jesus that most people today kind of like to overlook.... an angry Jesus... whipping cattle and sheep, overturning tables and scattering the money of the money lenders and merchants that had put up their businesses in the temple court...
He was angry... angry about what these people were doing to the house of His Father... ( you can read about it in John 2:14-16) ... does that fit in with the loving, giving His life for sinners, full of mercy and grace Jesus???

yes it does... He was not just angry because something wasn't going along with His selfish plans... He wasn't easily annoyed just because something was getting on His nerves.... remember, He was without sin... but He was angry... and He took action... He rectified what was so blatantly wrong yet no one realized it or did anything about it....
the disrespect and total disregard of who His Father is, defiling His Holy name by making the temple, the House of the Lord into a market... busy, dirty and just so carnal... it didn't sit right with the Son of God...
He knew that this was against what His Father deserved and wanted... so He stepped in... He took care of it... He was angered... righteous anger.... displayed by God Himself...

I am angry right now... and it is not just being annoyed... it is righteous anger... I am angry about the total disregard of God's laws... do not lie.... do not commit adultery.... love your neighbour as yourself...
be holy as I am holy... this is what God tells us.... and yet.... total disregard... total disobedience... no matter how it affects those that are innocent and hurt on such a deep level... how can someone do that???
it happens all the time... it is happening again... not to me... but it brings it all up again... and it makes me angry... I know that had any of the money lenders come to Jesus and asked Him to forgive, He would have forgiven them.... but He did step in and rectified the situation first...

all I can say is... STEP in Jesus.... do not let those that so totally disregard your commands and the feelings of their family get away with it... overturn their tables and show them your righteous anger...
and then... forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing... as will we... as I have... but Lord... it needs to end...

the world has minimized it and accepted it... you are not.... you know what it does to the abandoned... you see our tears, you hear our screams...... you know what it does to the much needed sense of security those children have a right to have.... your heart is broken and you are angry.... in your mercy Lord please make this right.......

.... only one way to HOPE everlasting..

... being a bit discouraged by what is happening around me... one good thing was to meet with my "spiritual" mom today... she is not old enough to be my mother but she is my first Christian friend and mentor... I love her a lot and I hardly see her enough...
sharing what happened in the last 7 or 8 months of our lives we always end up talking about our friend... the One who has brought us together, the source of all our joy.. Jesus Christ, son of God.. Healer, Comforter and Saviour...
a grey day... a black and grey world... so much heartache and brokenness.... so much to do, so many to minister to... was leaving with a renewed sense of hope though... this is why we are here... this is what He is doing...
I am convinced and know with such certainty in my heart that He loves me and is good, holy and just... so if He allows all this heartache in my life and around me... there has to be a reason...
I know He is all about refining and making us more like Him... but then again... not for my sake but for His glory... so... as much as I needed some time to rest and process what's been going on... I can't stay there..
He has things for me to do, He has put people in my path I can minister to... I need to extend love to... I need to look beyond myself, leave my burdens in His capable hands and love those around me going through some crisis and difficult time...
a beloved mother, a dearest friend... young girls getting in trouble.... all loved by my God and made in His image.. all, like me corrupted and broken..sinful and lost.. without hope until they can see Him, can hear Him, can feel Him.... some just need me to be Jesus to them while going through an especially heart breaking time... others need to be led into His presence... some need to hear about my hope..and that it is a person, Jesus....
never a dull moment...  but never without hope... or peace..or joy... to be loved like that... I will never get used to that...

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

( thanks to Natalie Grant.."Held")

... a world of despair... come rescue us oh Lord...

.. coming to my Lord with a heart full of sorrow... sorrow over a world so full of sin and despair... so black and sad and hopeless... a world that has turned away from God... not acknowledging and honoring Him the way He deserves...
pursuing selfish desires and throwing away all that is good and praiseworthy... forsaking self discipline and morals, trampling on others without any concern... oblivious to the pain inflicted... oh woe is me...
I am feeling compelled to come before my God pleading for this society... for His righteousness to be restored to His people... proud, rebellious and sinful people we are.. sinning, giving in to temptation... call us back oh Lord... let godly sorrow lead to repentance and restore the years the locusts have eaten...

Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
   Have compassion on your servants.
 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
   that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
I am pleading, oh Lord with you.... come into this world and with your righteous anger set things right...
do not give us over to our sinfulness but redeem us from the pit of self indulgence and utter SELFISHNESS....
forgive us for misrepresenting you to the world around us.... humble us and make us holy...
in a world like ours where everything goes, where immorality is rampant... Lord come and rescue us..
let us find refuge under the shadow of your wings... for you alone are our help in trouble...
Mighty God , you are more than able to accomplish anything that concerns us today....
putting our hope in you is what we need to do... you are our present help in danger... lift the clouds of sin and let us see the light... let us draw near to you and be healed...
you alone are worthy of our time, our concern and our praise.... have mercy on us oh Lord....

... love communicated.....

... so yesterday we were celebrating Jesus... the fact that He is risen, that after willingly giving His life, as payment for our sins, He indeed rose again from the dead, finally defeating death... making reconciliation possible between the one who believes in Christ's sacrifice and God the Father...
remembering what He has done for us and thanking Him for it by praising and worshipping Him...
"ascribing" worth by coming together as a congregation and lifting our voices in praise to Him..

a great message from our pastor explaining what it means to have that relationship with Christ... inviting Him into our hearts, surrendering to Him, admitting that without Him we are nothing but broken sinners, never out of our own strength able to be good enough to fulfill the laws God put in place....
asking Him for forgiveness and pledging to follow Him from now into eternity...

today I was on the phone again with my mother... the last few days she has been rather troubled and sad and alone.. I have never seen her cry and now I have heard her cry every day... she is processing everything now that she has fully understood what has happened and what this all means... my brother hasn't been there for the last few days and this has left her feeling alone... I think she has never been forced to look at life the way she has to now....

I am thanking God for allowing this in her life right now... my heart is breaking for her but I can see what God is doing... on the phone today I was sharing yesterday's sermon... not that I have not shared my faith with her before... but she has never been in such a desperate place...  almost dying and facing something as scary as cancer will do that for you...

I am thankful we have this kind of a relationship... we have always discussed deep issues... shared what is going on inside... never has my mother been as receptive .... reading Psalm 23 to her over the phone... from the "Luther Bible Translation" how precious... I booked another flight .. going to spend her birthday with her... she is so looking forward to this and I am so blessed...

I love her and I am thanking God for giving us this closeness.... I was telling her today about the feelings I had for her when she was lying there so helpless .... how I called her what I would usually just call my kids.... and she cried... this time because of the intensity of the love communicated through sharing this ...

in all this, God is turning what was difficult and hard into something good.... He died for me... will my mother believe for the first time that He thought of her when He hang on that cross????
That is my prayer today....

..do You still feel the nails?

..today... reflecting on what Jesus has done for us, I am listening to one of my favorite songs:

..They tell me Jesus died

For my transgressions

And that He paid that price

A long long time ago

When He gave His life for me

On a hill called Calvary

But there's something else

I want to know

Does He still feel the nails

Every time I fail?

Does He hear the crowd cry,

Crucify, again?

Am I causing Him pain?

Then I know I've got to change

I just can't bear the thought

Of hurting Him

It seems that I'm so good

At breaking promises

And I treat His precious grace

So carelessly

But each time He forgives

What if He relives

The agony He felt on that tree?

He died for me... He paid for my sins... and not only did He die... He was beaten up and ridiculed, spit at and humiliated... He was betrayed by a friend... sold for some material gain, denied by another of His disciples... and yet... because of the joy laid before Him He endured all this...

Jesus, being in very nature God, 

   did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 

 but made himself nothing, 

   taking the very nature of a servant, 

   being made in human likeness. 

 And being found in appearance as a man, 

   he humbled himself 

   and became obedient to death— 

      even death on a cross!

I had to repent today of disappointment and hopelessness ... how could I walk around defeated... when my Lord gave His life so that I could live victoriously.... He went through all this pain without defending Himself, so that I could have life abundantly... fellowship with Him, never denied or restricted... intimacy of heart, soul and spirit... 

every time I feel alone I am believing a lie... a lie to keep me in that place of defeat... every time I am feeling devalued by the fact that I was replaced so quickly, I am believing a lie that diminishes what my Jesus has done for me.... 

laying down His life for me He stayed on that cross because He loved me.... 

forgive me, Jesus, lover of my soul... I am failing you by not standing firm and resisting that lie from the one who has come to deceive and to destroy... you have won the victory and you have made me yours... my allegiance and love is yours for all eternity....

Does He still feel the nails

Every time I fail?

Does He hear the crowd cry,

Crucify, again?

Am I causing Him pain?

Then I know I've got to change

I just can't bear the thought

Of hurting Him

Holy, Holy, Holy

Holy is the Lord

Holy, Holy 

Holy is the Lord

Do you still feel the nails,

every time I fail

Have I crucified you Jesus with my sin?

Oh, I am tired of playing games,

I really want to change

I never want to hurt you again...

Holy, Holy, Holy

Holy is the Lord

Holy , Holy

Holy is the Lord

Amen

... marriage... worth fighting for...

... have a black eye... :(  it hurts... have a cold... sucks...
looking at BBQ's online... and Gazebo-Screen thingis for the backyard... and a wave of that sense of loss comes over me... unexpectedly....
I don't want to buy a BBQ... I have not the slightest idea what is good enough... can't spend the money to get something we used to have... how much money do you have to spend to have something that lasts? I don't know... I don't really want to know either... but, we already had one summer without a single BBQ meal... so I have to get over myself...

the screen thingi... I hate mosquitos... but I want to be able to spend evenings outside... because it is nice to sit outside at night...
some part of me wants to plant flowers and make this little backyard nice and the other part wants to just stay in bed...

have not put up my stencils for the walls, wonderful scripture verses, so meaningful..... tried it.. couldn't do it.. put it away...need a new thermostat to control the temperature in the house... haven't gotten that done..

someone asked me about the Center... haven't been able to get my excitement or motivation up... don't know why...
no reason to be so down..

here is some advice for my married friends... MAKE it work.... put all the energy into that relationship you have..... I know that we can be so sad, so disappointed, so hurt and hopeless... never give up... keep on fighting for it... what you are left with when it breaks apart is nothing but ruins and rubble, losses and memories... and loneliness ... and on top of all that I now have to buy a BBQ........... ;)

you are where you are supposed to be... love your spouse, respect your man, be obedient to God and trust Him for what you need... ask yourself if this is how you love:
are you patient? are you kind? do you envy? boast? are you rude? self-seeking? are you easily angered? do you keep records of wrongs????? do you delight in evil? or rejoice in the truth? do you always protect, hope, trust and persevere????

let me tell you it is worth it... it might not feel like this right now, but it is.... it really is....

If one falls down, 

   his friend can help him up. 

But pity the man who falls 

   and has no one to help him up! 

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. 

   But how can one keep warm alone? 

Though one may be overpowered, 

   two can defend themselves. 

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

with God as the third strand... you can do it, put Him first... trust Him to provide wisdom and strength, grace and love for one another... and you will be blessed... so will be your children...

..Going Home....Hospital Day 29.... AMAZING

...4 weeks ago a text message informed me that my mother was in the hospital with severe stomach pain.... right now I am waiting for a text message to tell me that she has arrived home and is settled... so that I can call her and welcome her home... ..4 weeks ago the news continued to get worse... leading to me booking a flight online for my sister and I.... when we got on the plane we at least knew that the emergency surgery had gone okay... now her body just had to fight the sepsis..boarded the flight praying and trusting God for her life..

..today I am continuing to praise God for how He has been at work through this situation... not only for all the best case scenarios we were allowed to see happening... but also for the set backs and what they revealed... for the good that He has brought out of something so difficult... for knowing Him better... trusting Him more in the turmoil....

I am thanking Him for the peace He has given me through it all.. an acceptance and trust no matter what the outcome... on a human level it is really not something that can be explained.. I almost don't even want to write it down... to say that I would have been okay had my mother not made it, would be wrong... I would have been devastated ... but I knew that even if the worst was going to happen, that God was still good, that He would have been right there with us through it all... 

I guess one of the reasons He allows the "devastating" is to show us that all the Bible, His Word, tells us is indeed true... when my husband walked out, broke up via e-mail 6 days before Christmas.. he did, that was it, there were no best case scenarios coming true... this was the worst case and it didn't end there.... but God has been there all the way... wiping away tears and holding me up when standing upright was unbearable..

so I know ...that I know... that I know for sure sure sure..... He is never ever forsaking us.. as my mother faces Chemo and another surgery, a difficult 7 months ahead of her.. He will be there for her and all of us... if in the process she will become aware of it I will not be able to stop rejoicing... but I will Praise Him no matter what... Because He is my God and I will trust Him...