... beautiful in His time???

... coming home was good... hugging my kids and my doggies... still running on Adrenalin... organizing dance costumes, makeup, hair stuff... somehow ending up organizing the basement... ( ? ) doing a load of laundry... running errands.. going to the Ortho with one child, taking the other to her Ballet Exam...parent teacher interviews  at night...groceries... dentist this morning...

situation in Switzerland good at first, another spike of the fever... and all that brings about... not nice to be so far away.... today things sounded better again... then worse in the evening... 2 CT scans of the abdomen,   a MRI of the brain, an Ultrasound of the heart... results: all is okay but fluid between the lungs and the rips... causing the cough and breathing difficulties, also the fever...

coming home to another set of problems on a totally different level, threatening and heart wrenching.... it seems, it never ends... everyone talks about me resting but somehow it is not possible....
longing for someone to just come and fix everything..... that's not gonna happen...
I am just so very, very tired and alone.... praying for all the different levels of difficulties in my life.... constantly... All things will be beautiful in His time...right???

.. A Father for my Mami.....

  going home, bittersweet... missed my girls so much... they are all telling me they miss me too.... ( this makes me happy....) missed my puppies, my bed... my home, my car.. ( I am German after all ) :D

missed my sisters in Christ... those wonderful friends the Lord has brought into my life over the last 16 years... 

feeling that the stress of the last 2 1/2 weeks will just make me crash as soon as I lay eyes on one of those friends... then my tears will start flowing... for a very long time...

but now I am going to be missing my mother...

I have, we all have been very emotional.... sitting by the bed of your mother so very ill will do that to you... we also needed to be strong, for her, for each other, even for my kids at home... and... again, thanks to Him we have been able to be strong....

I know though that there are times to be weak... times to finally let your emotions flow.. it is necessary, it is healing... it is comforting... so I am not sure who of my friends will be brave enough to be the first one to see me... 

as difficult as this time has been, it has also brought so many good things.... I cannot remember when love has been expressed to the extent it was expressed between us these last 16 days... so many hours together... a wonderful thing..... I do not remember the last time my mother would have just called me “Mausi” like she did yesterday, or I her, for that matter ..I probably never have... since she is my mother.. :)

brushing her teeth, massaging her feet daily, feeding her and coaxing her to take one more bite... it all came so naturally, as if I was just waiting to do this for her...

all three of us shared this tenderness for my poor, fragile mother.... we met her on such different levels... totally helpless, fearing for her life ,weak and grateful, rebellious like an obnoxious little child... coherent and not at all... ( those were the most scary times , right after the few days in the beginning when we were constantly staring at the monitors... checking if her vitals were holding up)

..when I called her one last time right before boarding, her sounding so back to normal, I allowed myself again to hope that she could go back to being able to live a relatively independent life... committed to whatever it will take to be there for her...  

sharing with her last night that the Lord was right there with her....that with Him she could make it through this... I will continue to plead with Him to save her, to reveal His presence to her... that she, like me, could rest her weary head on His strong shoulders..finding the shelter and love of the Father.... she has never had anything like this before in her life as well.... my Mami....feeling she needed to be strong all by herself all her life..... I so want her to meet Him finally....

.... encouraged by a fellow "blogger" ... last day in Switzerland...

I am so very blessed to be a child of the Most High... I love Him so much and I am so totally excited He speaks to me so clearly.... prayer has always been one of my passions.. being in communication / communion with Him throughout the day and the night...

these last 2 weeks especially I have kept on waking up every hour and all I would do was just plead with the Lord for my mother... not even thinking about it... the words just breaking forth by themselves...

I think, because I’ m kind of tuned into His frequency always... I pick up those messages from Him once in a while...

on the train early this morning... listening to my Christian Music Survival Playlist 

“ Beauty in the Turmoil”  once again I was thinking I maybe shouldn’t “publish” my journal...sometimes I have thought how full of myself I must be to think others would be interested what is going on in my life... wondering if I should just not do it, but then I always get some message telling me how a post has spoken to someone, encouraged them and touched them, just like last night......

so this morning... praying, thinking, listening...spending time with my eternal best friend and companion.. the One who has been there through thick and thin, patiently shaping me... loving me and spurning me on to good deeds... He pointed something out to me...

there was another “blogger” a few thousand years ago... someone who didn’t hold back, didn’t sugarcoat anything... told it how it was... authentically complained, groaned, pleaded, cried out for help....

the wonderful thing about him was that no matter how horrible his circumstances were, he always ended up praising the Lord... proclaiming that he was putting his trust in the only One worthy ... the Lord God Almighty....giving Him what is rightfully His: glory and honor and praise... 

he was not without sin, we all know about his bad choices... and we know what consequences he had to live with...  (how well I can relate to that) ... I am not saying I am a 21st century female David... far from it...

but, in my walk with the Lord, his “blogs” have encouraged me again and again... there have been nights when I told my Saviour that I was not going to put my bible down until He had met me.... I would read the Psalms for hours.... until He did just that.. He met me... He gave me whatever it was that I needed... strength to carry on, comfort, hope....

if one of my blogs can communicate that this is exactly what the Lord has for us, then I will just keep on writing...

....@ the ICU again... hospital day 15....

...my last update from Switzerland for a while... leaving tomorrow...
for my faithful friends, that have been lifting my mother up in prayer..here some facts about another extremely stressful day for my mother...
even more confused this morning, not able to finish any sentence / thought... a fever... overly sensitive to any touch... screaming because of the pain...x-rays and a CT scan to find out the source of the infection inconclusive.. moved to the ICU at 12:30pm ... blood tests reveal total dehydration.. a new IV and catheter for the bladder put in ( my mother had pulled those out 2 nights ago...) 5 hours later she is talking to us and eating her dinner... finishing her 1/2 portion for the first time... the change is once again mind boggling...
friends praying... God answering... medicine doing it's job... Praise be to God...
sitting with my mother this evening, reading to her... praying with her and just cuddling up to her for a while, she fell asleep ... groaning and calling out  " My God, my God" again and again.... sounding tormented still....
and there I was, quiet around me, just the occasional beeping of some machine ....
something became very clear to me.... when my mother started to realize what was going on with her she became more and more grumpy... understandable... she became more angry and rude to the nurses that were there to help her... she didn't want to listen to anything, didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't want to take her medicine etc.... so it dawned on me..... she never has learned to accept suffering.... don't get me wrong, she has suffered... she has suffered a lot....never knew how to deal with it but to fight it... getting more and more bitter and more and more aggressive... again, makes sense... without Jesus in your life you definitely feel you need to control your destiny... and so you fight for your rights and you will never accept things....
as followers of Christ we know about the sufferings our Lord went through to save us from our sins, we also know that he said we should not be surprised  that in this world we would have troubles... in Romans 5 we read:
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

we are called to accept suffering, to persevere and to never lose hope.... as I prayed with and then later, when she was sleeping, for her that was my prayer... that she too would accept her sufferings and persevere, that the Lord would indeed open her eyes and through His Holy Spirit give her the hope that never disappoints...

another fav verse from Romans...
may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

saying Good bye to my mom was hard... it is time for me to go home, no question about that.... this day has shown us though that this is still a very fragile situation....so it is hard... as I was sitting with her tonite and she was so very loving and tender I just soaked it all in... so thankful for the privilege of spending that much time with her during this very difficult time ... I am leaving her in the capable hands of my Father in Heaven... the Drs and Nurses here, and my brother's caring heart...

....have mercy, oh Lord.....

... seems like she is still not out of the woods at all... everything has been going like clockwork,  no more fever, blood pressure okay, blood sugar okay again, the wound is healing nicely... oxygen in her blood great... maybe some more pain since the Epidural was taken out yesterday... no known infection in the body... and yet..
the last 36 hours brought the first set back in re to the ability to think and communicate... very confused again... not very good....
the Dr not too happy about this, cannot see why this is going on... observing is all he said we could do now..
with the way I am looking at life I do have another explanation... surfacing from a place of drug induced and shut down functions there was only joy for my mother, seeing us all here and realizing that she had survived a very dangerous health crisis.... everything was positive and she was grateful....
the more she came back to "herself" the more the negativity surfaced again as well...
the feelings of bitterness and unforgiveness, mistrust and demands.. remembering the reasons for the bitterness... the hurts and disappointments...

watching my mother today the only word that comes to my mind is tormented... and I believe that's what is going on.... because I believe there is a spiritual sphere....unseen, yet so very real..... anything that happens in the "here and now" has some other dimension...
she is not plugged in to the never ending source of peace and strength... and she definitely would need this now... this is not an easy thing to wake up to.... this is very, very hard... having the patience and not give in to complaining and grumbling... not easy, when all of a sudden you are totally helpless, for the last 50 years my mother has been calling the shots, and now nurses have the nerve to tell her what she can or cannot do... feeling uncomfortable all the time, no appetite, but having to eat... an accident with the colostomy... this is hard to deal with...
.. I can only imagine how discouraging all this must be...

I was watching her and tears came to my eyes again, I am so sad to see her like this... like I said, all her life she has been proud to be in control, putting her hope in a life style, people, beauty, position etc...
all this is not going on right now... all this in the end does not count at all.... all of this is NOT what life is all about... if it was, it would be horrendously sad....

I was watching her and I was praying.... please, let that not be all it will ever be for her...... have mercy oh Lord , in your compassion and unfailing love, save my proud and self sufficient mother... in her weakness may she turn to you... and find the hope that never disappoints... the real reason we are here... to know you, to love you and live for you... to worship and adore you.... please.... have mercy oh Lord...

.... septic shock and "gipfeli"

..she definitely does not understand yet what is really going down... talking to the Dr about tumors and stuff, she  has not the slightest idea that this is Cancer and that this will mean that Chemotherapy has to be seriously considered... the 3 hours this morning were rather discouraging... a lot of talk about the "dreams" that happened because of the septic shock which happened because of the intestinal perforation... all organ systems shutting down as the immune system went into overdrive.... when listening to her talk and seeing how considerably well she is doing, I am still in awe at the recovery process... found out reading up on what happened on the internet, the odds were really more 25-50% ... the higher percentage for sure more applicable for the "elderly".... God has been performing one miracle after the other...
she is doing remarkably well but the fact that some of those issues could be permanent ones is not to be dismissed... I am not dwelling on it but still realize every time I leave how much I am emotionally and physically under stress ... feeling nauseous and so incredibly tired, sometimes breathing is difficult... so thankful though to still be able to be here...
the sun is shining again and it is about 15 degrees in beautiful Engadin, I should go on a little walk but I am just too exhausted...
sad to miss my church service for the 2nd time in a row.... I never like that, but especially now it would be so wonderful to worship together...
I am going to go get a treat from one of the bakeries here... my mother is allowed to have them since  her appetite is not that great, she might take a few bites of a "gipfeli"..... her body needs the calories, otherwise she will continue loosing more muscle and be even weaker..

I know that I am functioning only because   “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

persevering only possible because of His love and care.... leaning on him with all of me... every last cell of my weary body, heart and mind..... loving Him so much......

... attitude, that's what it is all about....

...catching myself not liking the attitude of some people around me.... thankfully the Holy Spirit in me won't let me go there anymore... because, then I would judge them, and they do not know any better... I better make sure my attitude is not that way, complaining and grumbling... if I complain or grumble about the "complainers and grumblers" I am sinning as well... and I have no excuse.. because this is what I know and try to follow:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
  Who, being in very nature God,
   did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 but made himself nothing,
   taking the very nature of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
 And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   and became obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!
 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
   and gave him the name that is above every name,
 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
   to the glory of God the Father.
( Philippians 2:3-11)

... Christ in me, His Spirit changing me a little bit each day... if I am not resisting too much.. :(  which sometimes I do... I am striving by His strength and grace to live and love this way:

Do everything without complaining or arguing,  so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe (14+15)

cannot judge those without Christ for not being able to do this... I only can if I am totally depending on Him.... so nothing to boast about but Christ .... to Him alone be the glory...

feeding tube removed... daily hospital life not an easy thing to deal with for my mom... trying not to stand in the way of the love of Christ flowing through me to her.... 

.... Praise triumphs over sadness...

...my mother has been having a temperature for a few days now and they do not know where it is coming from... moving her out of the ICU delayed because of it....on a positive note: she walked up and down the hall with the nurse and the contraption... no idea what it is called... anyways, stronger again today... just a little bit, but stronger nonetheless... Praise be to God.... had an hour and a half this morning alone with her before I was kicked out for some changing of bandages and stuff...

being here, talking to or listening to everyone... too much information of the kind I rather not have.... more hurt, more details... this is why I have chosen to stay away for so long.... no mean intentions, just sharing things they know...making little remarks...

I hate sin, I hate consequences... I am so sick and tired of being confronted with just how much betrayal, for how long and in what ways.... lies.... so many lies... I do not need to know.... tears, and the question: why did it have to be that way?
was doing so well, but stepping into the realm of my family left me vulnerable... I knew it...

I am so thankful that my mother is coming back... that she is more and more able to figure out what is reality and what is fantasy... talking to her is almost a 100% back to normal.... it seems like the restraints she had put on herself in re to my marriage have been removed.. it's been so long.. I must be fine to talk about it.... well, unfortunately I am not only fanatic and crazy, forgiving and willing to love no matter what, I also seem to be weak, not getting over what was done to me, still so sad that when driving  back home, I am crying again..... actually, I am not okay with that... I hate that it still hurts me so much...

so I am choosing again to let it go, take my thoughts that are figuring out new information I didn't want, captive to the obedience of Christ... they are not something I should dwell on...
rather I am thanking God for the sunshine, the progress my mother is making and the fact that He is faithful and true...

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. 

  Worship the LORD with gladness; 

   come before him with joyful songs. 

 Know that the LORD is God. 

   It is he who made us, and we are his 

   we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 Enter his gates with thanksgiving 

   and his courts with praise; 

   give thanks to him and praise his name. 

  For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 

   his faithfulness continues through all generations.

( Psalm 100 )

AMEN

.... not fitting in ...

.....You are Holy, Holy are you Lord God Almighty, Worthy is the Lamb, Worthy is the Lamb....
my mother is doing amazingly well... hardly any tubes left from the 15 we started out with... feeding tube still in but might be removed tomorrow... if she can eat enough herself... so far neither her appetite nor her stamina are quite up for that...
it was my father's 73rd birthday today... celebration in the ICU... with cake, candles, presents... my mother had some cake too, and a coffee... these nurses are just too wonderful...
a full day... no minute to myself until now.. and as family life returns to "normal" I am confronted with the fact that I just don't fit in.... the only child with black hair I have always called myself "the black sheep" of the family...
the only one that kind of broke free, not involved with the family business... the "bad" one that decided to stand with her husband... not sacrificing the new family for the sake of the "old"....the fanatic one, the one that didn't really want anything to do with astrology, new age and other stuff like this any more.. not in awe of "successful" people, people with titles, position and money...
finding myself sitting in the hospital and listening to the conversation.... feeling sad and alone... tomorrow my sister is leaving ... her little kids need her back... and I am sad about that too... at least she is another "fanatic"... I am so thankful for what the last few months have brought for the two of us...

can't help to be sad, because they are just not understanding what life is really all about... and I am not saying this to be proud or boastful in any way... they would say I am arrogant, to claim that "my way" of
looking at things is the only right way... my heart is aching ... I was hoping that what happened 10 days ago would open their eyes.... and it still might...
the truth is, I just don't fit in.... I am the weird one that was lying in bed as a child wondering what life was all about... reading my bible from beginning to end not only once... too excited about little memory verse cards I brought home from Kindergarten...

a wonderful thing was my daughter telling my mom on the phone today that she has prayed for her.... it warmed my heart she would say that to her... I know she has... and it makes me happy..
have been feeling so alone... magnifying the fact that I am, alone, that in a time like this it would be so nice to have a husband, someone to put his arms around me and hold me and tell me all will be fine... have been telling this to my father, my mother, my kids... and again, I can be the strong one, because in my weakness He is strong... but I still would so love to know if the Lord will bring me this man that could love a fanatic black sheep...  one who would be stronger than me... a shoulder to lean on...
..a little worn down from all of this...
tomorrow is another day that the Lord has made... and I will rejoice and be glad in it.... because He will be with me... and I am not alone...even though I might feel that way again....

....lay down the burden of your heart...

.. wow.... so fragile, so weak... so easily exhausted... taking two sips of water... eating a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes... feeling the need to communicate... fever up, breathing laboured... rest desperately needed... overdoing it because that's just who she is...
there will be so much to learn for my mother... always the doer... controlling everything.... she will have to realize she needs to step back....
talking about how much "luck" she had.... my brother and her...
other than emotional I am also a black and white , analytical truth seeker... it makes so much more sense for me to rely on and trust the God of the Universe ( and they believe in Him... no question about that) to take care of my needs... than hope for and then credit "luck"... takes a lot more faith ...
my daughters and my sisters in Christ stepping in, taking care of my responsibilities at home... freeing me up to stay here with my mother for a bit longer... such a blessing... I am forever grateful to them being Christ to me...
when surrounded by the unforgiveness and bitterness of those that are not aware of their need for forgiveness... I am taking another step in growing in my faith, my trust in God... where will they go... will they ever understand... will they ever surrender? it is so hard watching the torment and seeing so clearly what is going on yet not being able to change anything for them.. I have shared where my hope comes from... I have been ridiculed and mistreated for it... I have been misunderstood and hated... I have lived it out in front of them, sometimes better, sometimes worse...
realizing that this too is up to Him all alone... that I need to live to bring Him glory and if it is in His plan He will save them.....

like it says in 1 Corinthians 3: 6+7 "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow.  So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow."

Don't like it... wish I could make it happen... the way it goes now my prayer is that I am not hindering what God is doing.... understanding once again that it is Him... not me....
fighting it... but finally giving in... feeling relieved... a burden placed at His altar... into His capable hands... this is where I leave them.... climbing up into His lap... looking into His loving eyes... and I do not worry anymore... cancer, strife, hatred..... nothing is too big for my Jesus to deal with ......
My God is good, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lay down the burden of your heart,

 you know you'll never miss it,

lay down the burden of your heart

and let your Daddy fix it...

( Amy Grant )

... hope that never disappoints... day 9 in the ICU...

bad day all around yesterday... darkness creeping in... trying to envelope us... standing firm, relying on His strength...exhausted and depleted.. going to the well... the water that satisfies... the Living Water...
the "truce" between opponents coming to an end... heart wrenching... so needless and so WRONG...
praying for God's will to be done, no matter what that will mean... because in the end, it is always the very best for us..

today...coming to the ICU.... my mother in the chair again, looking at us and for the first time really understanding what is going on... for a while, a real conversation, feeding her some oatmeal, even a few sips of coffee.... before exhausted she drifts back into the confusion and tells us all kinds of stories.. trying to figure out what is reality and what is drug induced dreams and nightmares...

exhausted, she is now taking a little nap... we will go back later this afternoon... back home, regrouping, gathering some more strength .. for the next encounter...

living in a world, ravaged by sin, disease, bitterness and heartache... I cannot contain my gratitude to the One who came and took all my guilt and shame and gave me a hope that will never disappoint, a hope not necessarily in all working out the way I would like it but for the Author and Perfecter of my faith to have won the victory and safely bring me to His Heavenly Kingdom...

 walking through a very dark place... His light leading the way through this darkness, that He alone can enlighten... my prayer: your will not mine... holding on to Him for dear life.. I know He will never leave me or forsake me... Father, open the eyes of those that do not know you... let their heart grow ears and give them your wisdom to see who they are and to realize they need you..... I will by your strength try to walk with you... so that they may know.... it is all from you.... Amen

.... my hope is in you ALONE....

Why are you downcast, O my soul? 

   Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, 

   for I will yet praise him, 

   my Savior and my God.

got some not so good news today... the tumor is cancer... I had chosen not to worry about it and God had given me real peace ... I am still at peace, but this has kind of put a damper on our excitement and relief... a whole new set of issues to deal with, but... like the Psalmist said... putting my hope in Him, I can still praise Him... no matter our circumstances, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow....His lovingkindness never fails, He is faithful and full of love and mercy... when asked to come to the surgeons office this morning, fear wanted to grip my heart and all I could pray was "have mercy Lord, have mercy on us." I admit that I would really want to just hide, wish I had someone to make it all better, somehow like my Mama was doing it for me when I was a child... want to make it all better for her... and then I realize, I do not have to hide... I have to put my hope in Him....

Show me your ways, O LORD, 

   teach me your paths; 

 guide me in your truth and teach me, 

   for you are God my Savior, 

   and my hope is in you all day long. 

  Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, 

   for they are from of old.

He remembers, He is Mercy, He is Love, He is Care... and once again, as much as I am asking Him to save my mother's life and let us have her with us for many, many years yet, my desperate prayer is for her, my father and my mother's soul to be saved... for eternity..... 

in our weakness He is strong... and I have no problem admitting just how weak I am... my body is showing me "literally" so to speak, that I cannot digest any more.... I am tired and I am worn out... I would like to stay here until she is better but I won't be able to... I am torn..... but He is GREATER than anything that I am not able to deal with on my own... eternally thankful to Him..

... "we can go home now"

"... we can go home now... they didn't give you anything to drink either?  I am so happy you are all here... we have to go home now... how are your kids.. "
we told her she is a great mom and she smiled... and said we are good kids... and that she is happy we are here now... she asked why she was there and we just told her she had a bad stomach ache...
when asking for something to help her thirst she was not too happy she only got her mouth wiped out with a little sponge soaked in some tea... when the nurse explained that she couldn't quite swallow yet she  said something like, come on, thats not true.... my youngest daughter commented on that one: "Regular Oma"

do you know how precious that is?????? we were told that there might be damage to the brain... well,  as soon as she could she was trying to communicate... she definitely still is who she is... the smile was not leaving my face the whole 3 hours we were staying with her this evening ...
one of the "best nurse in the whole wide world club" members was there and let us massage my mothers feet and legs again... this time she was aware what we were doing for her... we helped with washing her and putting her own lotion and deodorant on her...  she smelled like herself again and she definitely enjoyed that...
helping to sit her up on the bed for a few minutes was the last thing we did tonite... after that my mother fell asleep..totally exhausted... just after the nurse told her she was brave and she said: yeah.......
washing her battered body, taking care of her was such a tremendous privilege... giving back to my mother who has taken care of all 3 of us when we needed it, it is a blessing to be able to do that for her... to experience your mother so vulnerable becomes quite a precious experience... no fear, just gratitude and love... trusting Him to love her more than we do and we love her VERY MUCH....  we praise the Lord and will continue to Praise Him, for He alone is worthy of our praise... our Abba Father...

.... Praise be to Him, from whom all blessings flow...

...told nurse Esther today that she is a member of the  " best nurses of the whole wide world club" I think she was pleased....
talking a bit more with my sister today about how  "Fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms"  (CSLewis) and therefore will rather find all kind of other explanations for blessings... like, this is a very small hospital, no wonder the nurses are nice.... good karma, fate is meaning well 
(makes me sick) rather than attributing it to the One from whom all blessings flow.
we all are enemies of God until he opens our eyes and gives us His Spirit and with it His mind and prayer, and all of a sudden we DO KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that it is all from Him... anything good is from Him... if we asked Him or not... doesn't matter at all...
So all I can say today is Thank you... Thank you... Thank you...
my mother was able to breathe very well on her own all night, so the tube was taken out  early afternoon... she woke up enough to put the Epidural in at around 5 and is now not feeling any more pain from the wound in her stomach... I had my first Epidural when my oldest was born, almost 23 years ago... since then this, like most things has been improved a lot... this one is just numbing something like a belt around her midsection, where all the pain is coming from, she still will be able to move her legs... how amazing is that...is Science and Scientist to be thanked now? Yes, but all their intelligence and abilities are also from God... anything good in us, anything good we are ever able to do and accomplish is FROM GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like my tattoo says: SOLI DEO GLORIA!!!! 
To Him ALONE be the glory!!!

... little / huge joys in the ICU

... she nodded her head.... yes, she did... when the nurse asked if she was thirsty tonite... she nodded her head.... she really communicated.... something so small, so taken for granted usually... and something so huge... it makes me cry.... member # 3  inaugurated into  the "nicest nurses in the whole wide world club", she is with my mother tonite...  what a wonderful lady... when we were talking about what to bring to help my mother remember, lotions and stuff she usually uses, she gave us some baby oil mixed with lavender oil and my sister and I massaged my mother's feet for a very long time... pulse and blood pressure nicely relaxed... oh what a wonderful thing to be able to do for her....
tomorrow they will decide if she can get an Epidural for the pain in her stomach.. this would mean she could come off the pain meds which again would allow them to extubate her .... the ventilator set for tonight to let her breath alone pretty much, to train her muscles in this area  a bit...
wow.... all good thing come from the Father in Heaven... all good things... like tubes, medications, wonderful nurses and doctors... looking into the eyes of my mother,  caring Ex-husbands, hugging someone  who without what Jesus has done I would not have been able to forgive... such deep connection between sisters... finally able to leave 46 year old "grudges" behind...
All good things come from the Father in Heaven... so thankful I know that for a fact.... so thankful to Him....
as I am in my bed, listening to my most fav singer singing wonderful worship songs I cannot contain my tears.. so thankful He cares...  but longing for a man at my side to share the joys and sorrows with...  always bittersweet because I am alone... Jesus right here to catch me when I feel this way.... but... my mother nodded... she really, really did....... Thanks be to God... He ROCKS!!!!!!!!

...@ hospital... day 6

..definitely so much more awake.. so wonderful to look into her eyes, she can now focus for a little while.. pretty sure she knows we are there... strong reaction, pulse and blood pressure going up quite a bit when she opens her eyes and tries to lift her head...
at the same time she realizes how much all these tubes are bothering and hurting her.... no roses without thorns .... not an easy road...




..less sedation allows her body to function better, muscles to work, less painkiller allows the intestines to work better... a lot of pain stresses her... circulation has to get stronger on it's own before the tube that goes down her larynx can be removed, the fluid that was pumped into her to support her organs as they were dealing with the septic shock during the first few days ( a total of 14 liter!!!!) needs to be eliminated, for that blood pressure and pulse need to be strong enough on their own... it seems it is hard to find a balance, but somehow her body has been responding relatively well..... the woman in this ICU bed today looked so much more like my mother than before, it made me glad but at the same time so much more aware how difficult it will be.....
we can't wait for her to wake up, for her this means she is becoming aware more and more what is happening to her, she will have to find out that she almost died, has had a piece of her intestine removed, has to deal with a colostomy for at least 3 months, eventually she will have to learn that a tumor was found... we definitely will not tell her that right away... still praying for it to be benign... 
this will be very traumatic for her... 
so thankful though that we are having to deal with those problems now.. the alternative would have been devastating...
"in this world you will have trouble, but I have overcome the world..."
He is going to be there for the long run... if through this all my mother finally will surrender and realize her need for a relationship with Jesus Christ it will have been worth the trouble and pain...
looking for her medication to let the nurse know what she was on I saw all the books and little cards she surrounds herself with... it makes me angry how deceitful Satan is.. all those titles sound so enticing... so close to the real thing to trick unsuspecting people that want to strive to be a good person - many of the goals right along with what God has for us -... into believing they can, have to do it on their own... leading them further and further away from the One and Only who is the answer to all the questions of life....
the time we have here is gone in a blink of an eye.... it is over before we know it ... realized that 6 days ago... fights and quarrels such a waste of time... need to pray more and talk less.... ask to have the grace not to take things personally and get defensive but rather allow Christ's love to flow freely from me to those around me... can't do it on my own, but He can... need my mother, father and brother to meet HIM....

... wounds so raw......

... it is clearer today than ever before... blogging is therapy for me... back in my room, trying to find some time away to recuperate...the emotional stress is taking it's toll..... I need to retreat and try to figure some stuff out....
only good news and further recovery for my mother... patience is all we need to have.... can't wait for her to really understand how much I love her... on Tuesday we will hear if the tumor that was removed is cancerous... there might be a whole different scenario to deal with then... not going there right now though, why borrow trouble from tomorrow.... today has enough of it's own...
the rest of the equation has received a few more components... seeing someone for the first time since the summer of 2009... meeting possible because forgiveness was extended and reconciliation pursued by me in response to what my Jesus was telling me... meeting in person, in a place where for 17 years my husband, me and my kids would go together... where the affair was ( at least that's what I was told)  consummated... where last February a trip planned for me and my husband, the two of them spent the time instead... the place where my 3 children stayed for a week this February, to celebrate his birthday with his fiancee and her family....
the onslaught of memories and pain is a bit overwhelming right now and I am asking all of my friends that read this to pray for some extra comfort for me.....
the brokenness of my life so evident... the relationships in my family so complicated .... I am exhausted....
I am rejoicing in the fact that even though 5 days ago it looked like I was losing my mother, today I am encouraged and full of hope that she will recover...
I am rejoicing that a relationship I thought could never be repaired is as mended as it can be.... I know that all of this is a blessing from the Lord.... I need Him so much... right now, I really would rather continue writing and hide in my room than sit down to dinner with everyone... my heart has been broken and even though my faithful Lord has been mending and healing it... just now the wounds feel quite raw again.... I am pretty sure that my Abba is carrying me right now... otherwise I think I couldn't continue to walk...... He loves me so much.... it literally takes my breath away....

...after another hospital visit....Agape love...

love... feelings of affection, connection, deep understanding, closeness, a willingness to do anything to help the other.... patience in relating, forgiving wrongs, a "bonus" the other can never use up.. deepest caring, wanting to share time, experiences, a longing to make the other happy, rejoicing with one another, compassion for the other....
coming back from another few hours with my mom, I am trying to express what those feelings of love I have for her are really all about...
sneaking into her bed at night, when she was still up doing stuff... just because it smelled like her and feeling so loved and protected... waking up from my 2nd C-Section after being put under , confused and scared, I called out for her.... apart from me she is the biggest fan of my kids, I am always excited to share their cute moments with her... the one I came to for advise on how to be a mother, the one I trust to tell me if an outfit looks good on me...

love... letting go of hurt feelings, deep, deep hurts, because she IS my mother and I love her...
I am an intense person and when I love I love.... this feeling usually is too hard to contain... it bursts out of me... looking at my mother for hours, the way she is breathing through that tube...  her hair brushed back and her hands and arms... well really her whole body all poked and bruised, makes me all choked up and  feeling such compassion I don't really know how to contain it...

these feelings of sadness I was speaking about earlier are because I am not able to take away the pain...
telling her how much I love her and using words of endearment I really only use for my children, because no matter how old they are the will always be my little "Mausis".... is all I can do.. feeling such motherly feelings for my mother now, mixed with the gratitude and love I have for her for being my mother...

the last 10-12 years of our relationship were harder but the years before were wonderful and close... I have not forgotten , could never forget how much I love this woman.... studying her face for so many hours, afraid that this was the last time I would see her at first .... I thank the Lord for giving us the ability to love, for a mother like mine to be a good and caring mother, to teach me how to be a mom, what a wonderful blessing.... I am praying that when she gets better that we will be able to establish our relationship on a much deeper level than it even was 10 years ago... my prayer is for her to finally experience the love the Father has for her, that she could soak it in and let go of all bitterness and anger... that I could minister to her wounded heart and love her with the love Jesus has for her.... like putting ointment on her soul like I did on her dry lips today.... smoothing over the rough spots.....
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres.... I learned to love my husband this way,  when he had had an affair for a year already.... it was too late .... I knew that God was not a mean guy... there had to be a reason he taught me when he taught me, even though it didn't change anything for our marriage.... maybe this time I can use this love, the AGAPE love on someone, and this time it is not too late.... wouldn't it be wonderful.....

..@ hospital day 4

... another day in beautiful, sunny Celerina, Switzerland, ... already spend 4 1/2 hours in the ICU of the "Oberengadiner Spital" the little hospital outfitted with Swiss precision and perfectionism... and thank the Lord for that... technology and science are quite amazing... a little hospital, with a total of 10 beds in the ICU, there have only been 2 patients the whole time we have been there, my mother and one man in the next room.... very competent nurses and doctors have made this experience as good as something like this can be for us....
talking to the Dr in charge this afternoon he stated that where my mother is today is the best possible state of recovery she could be in right now, when he painted best case scenario for us on Tuesday, when worst case scenario would have been that she wasn't going to make the night, where she is today was exactly what he said... no set backs and a little itty bit of improvement each day.... he keeps on stressing that patience will be needed and that recovering from a septic shock will take a very long time...
best prognosis is now that she might have to stay in ICU for another 4 days... if all continues to work out and no secondary infection occurs....
while being with my mom she again was coming up a bit out of her sedation, lifting up her arms and "fighting" against all the tubes ... so far this has never failed to bring tears to my eyes, she obviously is scared, in pain and has no idea what is going on, holding her arms and telling her all will be fine is all we can do.... one of those moments today she looked at me and I am sure she saw me...
patience... it is hard, now that the fear of losing her has pretty much left me I so want to be able to communicate and know that she understands... we are always talking to her and are holding her hands, and I am sure on some subconscious level she knows we are there... but it will be so amazing to look her in the eyes and connect on that level again...
the extent of stress this week has brought, is wearing all of us down.... I am so thankful for how the Lord has been with us and has been at work in my mother... I am not sure how I could have made it without Him, He is the One who gives me strength ... so yes, I have been strong and at peace....
but, if I have learned anything through the last 18 months going through the break up of my marriage, it is that yes, because of Him, I am strong , but that at the same time I am also broken, sad, in pain..... real feelings... I am not immune to those, I can function and deal with them better, but they are still all there...
that's when I need the time alone for me to recharge and find the comfort in my best friend... the lover of my soul.....
when I am resting my head against His shoulder ( and it is a very soft shirt material that I can feel against my cheek.. yes, that's how real it is) and His arms are holding me, the tension flows away, the burdens are lifted and new hope and strength fills my heart..... I am in desperate need of some me and Jesus time right now.... so grateful that He always has time for me.....

..@ hospital.. day 3

.. Praise the LORD, O my soul; 

   all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 

 Praise the LORD, O my soul, 

   and forget not all his benefits— 

 who forgives all your sins 

   and heals all your diseases, 

 who redeems your life from the pit 

   and crowns you with love and compassion, 

 who satisfies your desires with good things 

   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

 Psalm 103... this is what I have been praying over and for my Mama for the last few days....

God has blessed us with such peace about her and all that is going on... but still, today's surgery we were warned would again take her back to where she was Monday, in critical condition, with a whole set of new complications that could arise.....  waiting after seeing her only for a short while this morning to hear  from the Dr. 4 hours later turned out to be quite okay.. blown away by the peace that passes all understanding...

..a little afraid of how she would be when we were allowed back in the ICU..  relieved and amazed by how well she looked , taken off the NorAdrenalin she had been on since Monday, her blood pressure stable by itself for the first time... unbelievable...still sedated.. still a very long potentially scary road to recovery but so far each day, even today has brought better news...

the fact that through the unfortunate and life threatening event that happened on Monday a tumor was found is a miracle, praise be to God, the fact that even though this was an occurrence with a 20-30% mortality rate ( bigger the older you are) each day has been better than the one before, miracle... spending time together in a crisis like this.. getting along and having meaningful and constructive talks... huge miracle... 

life for our family will drastically change... this event has now officially made us the "Sandwich generation", my brother, my sister and I, taking care of our aging parents will definitely become a significant part of our lives, while we are still parenting our children... ( we are the "Ham" in the middle ..get it?)

another amazing blessing is the closeness I have found with my dear sister, a work the Lord had already begun a while ago, praying together all night sitting by your very sick mother forms a bond much stronger than 46 years being sisters did... 

I praise you, oh Lord, you are unbelievably AMAZING... who are we that you are mindful of us?

entrusting my mother's physical and spiritual health to you is not a very hard thing to do... it is a privilege and a blessing to know that this is what you want from me.... Your love is amazing....