... black sheep... that's me

the last few days have been very interesting, a very neutral word to pick for what I am feeling... glad some more friendly faces have arrived.. feeling pretty alone and attacked...

saddening, but true.. thinking this afternoon that I knew it would be like this and that this is why I did not want to go in the first place...

makes me realize how blessed I am with my "normal" life... normal life as in I am usually surrounded by people that love me and understand me. normal life as in I am doing something that is worthwhile and fulfilling.. easier to focus on Christ when in a place where He is acknowledged and respected , worshipped and followed.

easier to feel whole and loved when "Christ beside me" is happening... every day...

so this is a dark place.. I was hoping it could be different this time and I guess it isn't.

so thankful that my Jesus has allowed me to find a home, a family... that he gives me the bigger part of the year to be embraced by that family... that I can leave behind what never fails to pull me down and make me feel worthless and sad and like this huge failure...

I really am not sure what would have happened had He not saved me that Sunday in June 1994.... I am at a loss to understand how those that do not know Him can go on and survive in a world so full of hurt and pain and anger and aggression.

I am the black sheep and I guess that's who I will always be.

I wish I could just break all ties and be done with it.. that's not what He wants though and therefore I will just cherish the "normal" when it happens...

need a huge dose of that love that my dear sisters in Christ lavish on me so generously...   I shall make it through.. by His grace and strength...