..surrendering... AGAIN....

...Sundays are great days... no matter how up or down I am I love going to my church... I love it especially now again, so familiar with the scripture that my pastor preaches on since I have been "sitting in it"  (meditating on it) for  almost a week... having heard from God what it means to me personally it is exciting to hear what He has for the whole church from this passage..
.. and sure enough.. it includes me and is very relevant for me... duh... how could it not be...
surrendering my unbelief, my instincts, my will ( that's a biggie) and my conscience, as in keeping a clear conscience... and not becoming legalistic...
so surrendering my will... my instincts... difficult to say the least.. my desires and wishes for a man in my life that loves me... my instincts to long for closeness and intimacy.... I have to let them go... very hard...
that's my prayer as I go into a new week....
that I would have the discipline to draw close and surrender myself to Him... over and over again...
I am weak, and not able to do any of this... His Spirit in me though is more than able to to do all that...
so I am ..ONCE AGAIN...  surrendering my wishes and desires... realizing that He knows best... and what is on the other side of the transformation is so much more... like it says... no eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor heart has imagined what the Lord has prepared for those that love Him.... abiding in Him... that's what it is all about....TRUST and OBEY....

...... blessing after blessing poured out on us....

..it is 8:30 pm and Day# 4 in the life of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center is coming to an end..
our Care Closet is filled to overflowing and many more lists and binders, posters and flyers and emails have been created, written and sent out...  buzzing with activity and excitement...  passionate prayer times and many blessings from God..

we have at least 8 more women wanting to become volunteers.. we will run another training in the new year.. on Friday I received an email from a teenage girl informing me that she and a friend were taking part in a project at the High School where they could potentially win $ 5000,00 and was it okay to choose us as the charity they would then donate this money to... on Sunday a woman approached me after church to tell me that if we ever had a young pregnant girl that needed a place to stay throughout her pregnancy, they would always have a spare room and would be more than happy to open their home to her...

Sunday during the service our new / old pastor with a calling to reach out to the community gave each person a toonie asking us to go to a coffee shop, coffee or tea curtesy of Georgetown Alliance Church, take our biggest bible and read through John 3-5, praying every 5 verses for someone to come and ask what we were reading... a prayer meeting at night, with 50+ people in attendance praying to be humble... like it says in 2 Chronicles 7:14
"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

God is doing great things.... we are waiting in expectation...  He is going to blow our socks off... I know it!!!

... living the purpose driven life....

.. the first week has gone by at Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center... Volunteers showed up for their scheduled times and put to use their amazing talents and skills.. each one hand picked by God for this ministry, prayer meetings every morning... "Earn While You Learn" Closet and bins sorted and organized, points assigned, little diapers ready to be handed out in Ziploc bags.. Signs printed, sign out sheets for the resource library made and so it goes on and on and on...

142 pages views on the website since it's launch, 29 on October 17th...  about 25-30 clicks each week on the Facebook ad... the Online Yellow Pages consultant so helpful and full of praises for doing what we are doing...

a youth centre coordinator coming to visit us on Wednesday next week... I would say we can be thanking God for a very wonderful and productive first week..

Be sure that there will be a HUGE deal made about our first client... I will broadcast it on all available networks and sites... you can count on that ;)

My Home schooler got a good chunk of work done and thanks to her tremendously brilliant mentor and teacher has her next 3 months mapped out and organized ( I think she is my angel..)... God is so good, providing on all levels..

Someone asked me how I liked being a working woman and I have to say I love it... never in my life have I ever felt I was  accomplishing this much ( yes, even though I was the manager of a family size company, a tutor, nurse, housekeeper, cook, maid, taxi driver and counsellor all at once.. somehow , even though I never questioned the value of being all that, I never had this sense of total satisfaction...

Thankful for the Lord to call me and orchestrate my life this way so that I could follow His calling full-heartedly ...

He has the best in mind for me... for sure...
We will be praying for the women He is going to bring and patiently continue to fix our eyes on Him who is more than able to bring about all that He has planned in advance for us to do !!! Touching hearts with His love...  # SoliDeoGloria

.. Hope for Life has been launched!!!!!!!!!! Praise God

Praise be to God... may our praises be beautiful to His ears...
listening to "Joy follows Suffering"... or my little compilation of 5 times the little snippet... my new fav, what can I say...
so full of thanksgiving and joy... a headache still... alone, again... but so thankful....
what a morning... God alone received the Glory once again #SoliDeoGloria
His works are wonderful, I know that full well, His plans are to prosper and not to harm, to give a hope and a future... turmoil and pain, suffering... but the joy follows...
His attention to detail never fails to boggle my mind... He is not only the Creator, the loving and merciful Father, He is Truth, He is Holy, and He is in total control... His mercies are new every morning and He gives us wisdom and direction... He sustains us and holds us close... he yearns for a close and intimate relationship and He will never let us down...

even before the beginning of time He thought of us... a team of 14 ladies, called by Him... at the fullness of time he called us each into His marvellous light... He gave us all a story, He ministered to our hearts.. He brought us together to make the invisible Christ visible through His love, His Spirit working through us...

tomorrow morning 10 am the doors of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center are going to be open to the public.... we will be spending many hours organizing and labelling all the beautiful baby things given to  us by the congregation and friends and our families, their generosity such a blessing.....
How blessed we are.... so ready to pass on this blessing... 5 pregnant teenage girls in Georgetown alone.. referred to us.... praying they will take the step and come... so that we can love them...
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.... we will forever Praise YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..profound, soul deep sadness... I am NOT of this world...

...once again, the weekend... a day that was supposed to be another busy one, the last few weeks have been extremely busy, turned into a day of rest... I find myself alone at home... it is cold and windy and ugly outside....  listening to the little preview that was posted of a song of the album "Glory" that will be released on November 22... another gem, composed and played so beautifully by Michael W. Smith, recording it on my iphone a few times in a row so that it makes a "real" song...
the music touches my innermost being.... my soul resonates, and tears are rolling down my face.... it's this sadness, this sadness that is so deep inside my soul...
as humans, we always are looking to explain why we feel the way we feel...
well, I have been hurt, lied to, betrayed, I have been abandoned and mistreated, not just by my Ex husband, but by other significant people in my life, I have had my share of disappointments, I made bad choices and have suffered the consequences.... but, this sadness, it is not brought on by those things alone...
it is a sadness I have felt my entire life... I think it is a feeling of loneliness and not belonging... a longing for something so deep, I am more and more convinced it is not to be found on this earth...
caught myself thinking today, that with the men in my life so far, why am I even wanting another one ... crazy...
listening to this amazingly beautiful little composition, I fear that NO ONE will ever understand me... the next thought is that He who made me understands me and my longing is for Him...
this is were the emptiness and loneliness is really rooted... living in a world where this is true :

" For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."Philippians 3:18-21)

Oh, I know so well how blessed I am to be His child... I love Him, I am so thankful for the purpose He has for me... tomorrow is the Grand Opening of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center... my "baby".... God is amazing... and still.... my deepest longing is to be home... Home with Him, who knows my heart... my Maker is my husband.. the Lord Almighty is His name... He is my Redeemer and my King... the lover of my soul, my All in All....
and so today.. I have to be brave.. my heart is heavy and sad.... not because of the things people have done to me or because I am alone... it is because I am a stranger in this world... and I feel it.... I really do..

..a Thanksgiving Blessing..

on a very positive note.... I am overflowing with thankfulness because my parents came to visit from Switzerland, we had a great Thanksgiving meal together yesterday...
My mother looks great and it is so amazing to have her back. it has only been  6 1/2 months since she one morning experienced a pain so horrible, my father said she was screaming like a dying animal, he said he had never heard anything like this before..
your intestines bursting, ripping apart .. can't be such a great thing for sure... the septic shock her body went in almost killed her... it took a very long time to regain strength and be without constant pain... the threat of the cancer returning hanging over her still...

spending time with her yesterday, she seems to be back to her normal spunk and strength... what a blessing from God... incredible...
we will never forget the 10 days in the ICU, fearing for her life and the very slow and painful weeks following..
I just had to hug and hold her over and over again since she arrived... so very thankful I still have her...

I will cherish the time we have together, continue to pray for her salvation and love her with all my heart..

Thank you Lord for healing my mother, we know it was you who did... thank you for a joy filled day yesterday.. may she come to know you as her Saviour as well....
I praise you Lord for your love for us... AMEN

...God my maker is my husband...

..seeking Him in the morning... dwelling on Him throughout the day, repeating my memory work to myself...I have found again what I had lost over the last few months.. sweet fellowship with my Redeemer... who has given me this scripture that touches me deep in my soul:


“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
   Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
   and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
 For your Maker is your husband—
   the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
   he is called the God of all the earth.
 The LORD will call you back
   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
   only to be rejected,” says your God.
Isaiah 54: 4-6


another one.. the one I decided to memorize first.. is this:

 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
1 Corinthians 6: 19-20

when I was married.. even though at times  not (in the end never at all) receiving what my soul really needed, not feeling loved or important... I would have NEVER even entertained the thought of cheating on my husband or getting some of what I needed somewhere else... Jesus, the Lover of my Soul definitely gave me everything I needed to stay true to the covenant between me and my husband..

rejected and tossed aside, replaced even while I was still thinking I was in a marriage, erased from a life together, divorced after 10 months of being separated... all of a sudden it seemed that I was not whole, I needed to be completed again by a man... with todays technical means a whole world of possibilities seemed to be at my fingertips... loneliness and the after math of a basically lifelong rejection by significant males didn't help..
clinging to Jesus for mere survival in the beginning, over time I took my eyes off Him...

so thankful today that He really never lets go of me, so thankful that my guilt and shame and His gentle interference and amazing timing brought me back into the safe place with Him...

knowing how vulnerable I really am I have chosen to memorize these two scriptures... for God, my maker is my husband... as much as I would have never cheated on my husband, even though he was, I will NOT cheat on my God and maker... until the day He releases me to the man He has for me I am going to run to Him in my loneliness and rejection.. when I feel less valuable because I am single, when I feel so utterly forgotten and abandoned... these feelings are real and they assault me at night..
by His grace I will dwell on the truth over and over again so that it will be written on my heart:
my Lord has called me back, because I am a wife deserted and distressed in spirit, a wife who married young, only to be rejected...
I trust Him that I will not have to remember the shame of my youth or the reproach of my "divorce" the ultimate abandonment by my husband..

I know I am not strong enough to pull this off, but I know that He is strong when I am weak.... that His grace is sufficient for me...I am just having to rely on that...

.. keeping me strong...

...disillusionment and self pity, wants and desires... doubting God's sovereignty and not trusting Him to want my best... exploring some territory outside His general will... wanting to believe that His specific will for me would be just a little bit outside that.. oh how good we are at justifying and rationalizing things away... I had to come to this, even though I was fighting it tooth and nails... you know the story..

but in His faithfulness, His lovingkindness, He was not mad at me, He had not turned away, His loving gaze had been on me while I was engrossed in my futile struggles to find MY happiness....

Blessed is the one 

   whose transgressions are forgiven, 

   whose sins are covered. 

 Blessed is the one 

   whose sin the LORD does not count against them 

   and in whose spirit is no deceit.

  When I kept silent, 

   my bones wasted away 

   through my groaning all day long. 

 For day and night 

   your hand was heavy on me; 

my strength was sapped 

   as in the heat of summer.

  Then I acknowledged my sin to you 

   and did not cover up my iniquity. 

I said, “I will confess 

   my transgressions to the LORD.” 

And you forgave 

   the guilt of my sin.

 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you 

   while you may be found; 

surely the rising of the mighty waters 

   will not reach them. 

 You are my hiding place; 

   you will protect me from trouble 

   and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Engaging in the SCC ( Solitude, Cell, Celebration)  lifestyle, promoted by my church... refocused and deeply immersed into His Word... this is what He said to me this week:

I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts he has given you, now that you belong to Christ Jesus.  Through him, God has enriched your church in every way—with all of your eloquent words and all of your knowledge.  This confirms that what I told you about Christ is true.  Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on the day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns.  God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. ( 1 Corinthians 1: 4-9 )

dabbling in doing things my way, since God "obviously didn't care", has consequences.. facing those this week I needed to be encouraged and that is exactly what He did... He said He will keep me strong to the end, so that I am without blame...He will do it, because He IS faithful.. when loneliness and sadness comes at night, when attacks are originating from inside my own house... He has kept me strong.. and I am encouraged...

10 more sleeps until the Grand Opening and then the next day we are OPEN... Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center is a reality... and so very needed!!!!! Affirmation of that has come our way every day!!!!!

How could I trust Him for this and not for my own personal life? It made no sense.. I am so thankful that He put things into perspective once more....

.. delayed anger... the aftermath of a divorce...

.. in the 17 and a bit years of being a follower of Christ, and because of my make up.. I am a logical thinker.. I have come to deal with things a certain way..  I have learned to accept things that I cannot change and trust that God knows best...

well, this is not a bad thing, but, I am realizing now that this is why I am feeling the way I feel right now..
the last 2 + years have been horrifyingly difficult.. the stuff that has happened has been heart wrenching and immensely painful.

wanting so much to be who God wants me to be I accepted all that came my way and tried to deal with it as well as I understood at the time..
when I found out about the affair my husband had, I confronted him and forgave... I wanted to do whatever it took to make this work out... when he left anyways, I accepted it as a bad choice that was causing hurt and has many consequences, by someone who didn't know any better... I forgave... and accepted the pain...

when going to Divorce Care a year ago I realized that I had never been angry, but I was not going to fake anger, there just was none... I knew anger wouldn't make a difference so I must have just decided to accept when all this went down..

so now, actually a year after the divorce became official, yup, October 4 was the day last year, I am angry... still not so much with my Ex, but more with God...
when counseling I have always very much proclaimed that this is a healthy thing and that God can take it, I know this to be true, I never suppressed any anger, I just wasn't angry...

a months ago or so, after feeling very alone at a "community" event, I realized just how angry I am with the situation I am in... perpetrated by a man who promised to stand by me and never leave me, allowed by the God who has my best interest in mind... yeah right...
I realized I was not okay and I did NOT accept where I was... I don't want to be alone....
so I took matters into my own hands... let's just say... not a good thing... being in that place of anger and disillusion really made me feel miserable... going ahead with dating someone who was not a born again Christian felt good while having a great time over dinners out, but was wrong... I resented that I felt guilty and ashamed and knew in my heart that I needed to put an end to it.. I was angry and decided I didn't care... but... I just couldn't do it.... I told some friends and put an end to it...
I am still ticked off that I am the one who can't just have fun and happiness, that somehow I have to be the one who does everything "right" and always end up paying the price for what other's have done..

there is no way of knowing when we will be done with dealing with the aftermath of this family breaking apart... it just continues to wreak havoc in all our lives... I am sick of it... I cannot see where the good is ...

it bugs me that even though I am writing this I know where some good has come from it all, just looking where God has led me with the Pregnancy Center I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not have been able to follow His calling the way I have now, had I not experienced what I have...
still... weddings, and pictures, and utter loneliness... my daughters growing up... and moving on.. I hate where I am right now...

so, it is delayed, but I am ANGRY... all of this should not have happened... it just was not right... I know all the answers and how it all works out... I believe it all.... but I am ticked off... I really am.