... new wife, old wife... :S

... life as a divorced woman..
very interesting.. never a dull moment, that's for sure...
simple, yet profound and significant moments definitely have become a little spicier.. as in, there are ingredients that weren't on the original recipe.. ;)
seems like as a child of God, following His plan for dealing with loss, with His blessing and healing an ongoing thing in my life, I seem to be the one that is able to deal with those moments the best... funny, who would have thought that..
this weekend, I had the pleasure of moving my daughter back into my humble abode.. for a year for sure, I will have 2 of my children living with me.. a delight.. because I do love them with an undying love and devotion.. they are a gift from the Lord and they never fail to bring me joy..
so, moving her stuff this weekend we were:  mother, father, 2 children + one daughter's boyfriend, one new wife of father... ha... potential for awkward moments? probably.. did I experience any? no...
had no problem whatsoever sharing this "simple, yet significant " moment with the woman that replaced me as the wife of the man that was my husband at one point in time.. hmmmm
resentment? none. anger? none. sadness? surprisingly none.. now that is just amazing. I like her. I like him, they care about my kids.. no need for any negative feelings on my part..
would there have been profound sadness, say a year ago? pretty sure... because healing brought by the Lord still takes time.. ( time alone does not heal!!!!!)
was there some tension? yes, but like I said, not originating from me or affecting me.. maybe everyone else felt a little bit awkward, not sure..
these kind of events definitely have a way of highlighting the fact that this is not your regular family unit anymore and that will always be the case..
I am just so thankful that the pain has left me.. the wound has healed.. quite amazing, really.
a great sermon about grieving the "Christian/ God's way" at Winston Churchill Community Church where we attended to witness a dear friend's baptism.. confirmed that I indeed have walked through all the stages of dealing with a loss.. embracing the pain, allowing the tears and the tremendous sadness for as long as it was there, forgiving and continuing to trust God for all I needed, walking closely with Him and loving with His love.. He has been faithful, He has brought about healing and Him and I are closer than ever before..
hoping that those "moments" in the life of my children will continue to become more normal the tension will disappear completely, I thank my Lord for His love and support and for His grace, lived out... He is who He says He is.. Trusting Him with my fragile heart.. 100%!!!!!!!

.. the whimsical world of Pinterest...

so Pinterest... I had seen it creep up on Facebook a while ago... I also noticed just how much some of my friends were using it.. someone invited me and I was determined... to NOT even start.. because, very obviously this was just one more thing to waste your time on....
over the last few years I had kind of lost all my interest in decorating, gardening, never had much interest in cooking anyways, lost my love for photography... my life had been I guess reduced to making it through..
one day at a time and then, as a way of bringing about healing the Lord had allowed me to look beyond myself and any superficial stuff and called me to focus on helping others... it has been a wonderful process and I am so blessed to spend a big chunk of my time to minister to people that need my help....
so... Pinterest... visiting with my oldest daughter and going to one of her favourite whimsical and lovely places, the Bakery Bobette & Belle in Toronto I was charmed by the beauty and uniqueness, the flowers and cakes and the decor ... it was like stepping into a land of fairies and baby breath and loveliness...
at her place she showed me her Pinterest account and there it was again... that dreamy world... that virtual place of innocence and wonderfulness ...
I couldn't resist any more.. so for the last 5 days I have been pinning away.. I have pinned to boards I called "Moments" and "Whimsical" I have one called "Babies" and one called "Faith".... and I am LOVING it....

there are so many beautiful things in this world... I think I needed to be reminded of it... having been confronted with a lot of brokenness and heartache and the inevitability of conflict and pain over the many years all this has been going on in my life, I had concentrated on holding on to my faith .. accepting the pain as a normal thing and finding joy in my relationship with Jesus...
over the last 6 months or so He has been faithfully keeping me in perfect peace .. an amazing miracle... He is and always will be the source of all my joy, strength and wisdom... but I think He allowed last Saturday afternoon to be a trigger for me to allow myself some time off once in a while.. some time off from facing the world on the front lines.. trying to communicate the love and care of God to people that each day face circumstances that render them hopeless, hurt and damaged..
so, I am not feeling guilty for indulging in some of the " virtual beauty " available to me in this world of Pinterest... I am too busy for it to become an addiction that could take my eyes off what is most important... serving my Lord and loving people into the Kingdom...
just really really love all those beautiful pics... it's all so whimsical <3

... my last gift of love...

I know a little song for this passage.. this is why it was so very easy to memorize it.. my kids learned it way back when at VBS..

May 2009 my friend and mentor challenged me to pray through this passage and ask the Lord how good a job I was doing with loving my husband like that.. things had been even tougher than before and 7 months later he would walk out on us for good..

did not know that back then and, good girl that I am ;) I listened to the instructions and sat down one afternoon and prayed...

didn't expect what happened then... my Father in Heaven, gently, yet firmly showed me where over time I had not loved my husband well at all... I was not patient anymore, often times I was not kind at all, I had become very easily angered, and even though I forgave him for disappointing and letting me and the kids down every time, I still resented him.. I didn't trust, I felt very hopeless, and I had a very hard time persevering for sure..

I broke down in bitter tears and all I could do was ask God to forgive me... I repented and in turn God flooded my heart with what I think was His love for my husband.. a love that did not expect anything in return, that loved him for the potential he had, for the fact that he tried at times, a love fuelled by compassion and grace rather than by hurt feelings and disappointment.. I went to my husband and asked him to forgive me as well... I so hoped things could be better from then on..

3 months later I found proof of an affair he had been having for some time and even though I forgave and we spent another 3 months together, he eventually left..
my friends and I couldn't quite understand why God would have brought about that big change just for the marriage to fall apart anyways..

in the months following the separation God did show me how right His timing was after all...
loving my husband the way I did, through the change in my heart that God had brought about, I was able to still love him .. loving him now meant letting him go, accepting that even though my heart was changed, his wasn't... forgiving him over and over again, without any thought of revenge.. still seeing the good, the potential and the willingness to try to do better than what had been modelled to him in his childhood... I was able to accept the pain that this caused me, not fight it but move through it instead.. living it, every moment of every day...
it wasn't nice.. but it allowed for healing to take place... the feelings of rejection and abandonment I had I offered up to the lover of my soul, because He alone loves me perfectly... I was not trying to control or manipulate  the one that had never met my emotional needs  to give it to me now ( duh)... I didn't expect anything anymore .. so I was no longer disappointed..

reading through this passage this week something dawned on me...
this is a very high calling and before I commit my life to another man I better make sure I am willing to love him like this... because I definitely want to be the wife I need to be, this time from the beginning ...

... loss restored?

love the music to "The Story"...such great insight , looking at it all unfold from a totally different view point... my fav right now: the song of Adam and Eve...

If I could, I’d rewrite history

I’d choose differently; if I could, I would

I’d leave out the part where I broke Your heart

In the garden’s shade, fix the mess I made

If I could, I would

If I could, close my eyes and then

Dance around again; if I could, I would

Be who You adored, why did I need more?

When beauty was not trained to hide behind my shame

If I could, I would.

Can You hear us cry?

Wishing we could turn back time

To feel Your breath when branches move

Take one more sunset walk with You

Must each tomorrow hold

Such brokenness untold?

Can’t imagine how You could

See all of me and say it’s good

If I could hold one memory

It would surely be how You walked with us

I’d go back in time, un-tell my first lie

And let Love’s injury heal in spite of me

Can You hear us cry?

Wishing we could turn back time

To feel Your breath when branches move

Take one more sunset walk with You

Must each tomorrow hold

Such brokenness untold?

Can’t imagine how You could

See all of me and say it’s good

It is good. It is good.

You still love us more than we believed You could

Could there be something more?

Will it ever be the way it was before? 

I personally have never thought about what Adam and Eve must have felt after they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden... they were the only Ones to know fellowship with God the way it was intended... it must have been... I can't think of another word: Heavenly!!!

and still, even though they had it all, they desired more... and they made a bad choice... sin entered the world and the rest is history..

makes me feel a little bit better when I, even though I have fellowship with my Saviour still long for something more.. caught up in this broken world, longing for Heaven, and all life was supposed to be, I too make bad choices at times... I, in my weakness sometimes turn away and take things into my own hands.. instead of staying right there with my Saviour, the Lover of my Soul, the only One that can fulfill all my needs..

the only One that, even though I have disappointed Him again, still loves me... 

as much as I much rather would never make a bad choice I know that I who have been forgiven much, love much more.. is this why He allows it, even though it breaks His heart.. again and again?

can't even try to comprehend such a love... 

the last question in the song... "will it ever be the way it was before???" I think the answer is YES... once Jesus comes back, all brokenness will be gone and we will be enjoying the eternal closeness all of us long for... Heavenly....

...NEWSFLASH: He came to save the LOST!!!!!

let me tell you about my Jesus...

in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. ( John 1: 1-4)

that's the One..


who, being in very nature God,  did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant,  being made in human likeness.  and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—  even death on a cross  (Philippians 2: 6-8)

that One..

in the Garden, He prayed : Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you.  for you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.  now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.  I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do.  and now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began. ( John 17:1-5)

so this One... almost 18 years ago He revealed Himself to me... He had known me, but I didn't know Him ... since then I have been seeking Him and getting to know Him better...
and this is something about Him I know now..

He came to bind up the broken-hearted... through His people...

scenario today:
a girl: pregnant.. living below the poverty line... gave birth... without hope she looked for it in the wrong places..
a baby: taken away from it's mother...
He:  told us ( how amazing is that) ..
we: NEED to help her...
that's it....

He, the Word, God's Son.. was there in the beginning... He, chose to give His life for us..He cares.. deeply.. how can we NOT?????????????????????

.. Salvation... all up to Him..

I found this pic.. or I should say the original for it, online.. then I made it my own.. this pic shows two of my most fav creations...Ladybugs and Forget-me -nots... I just needed to spend some time this afternoon creating something pretty.. springy... hopeful.. peaceful... I realized talking to a friend yesterday that when my world had come tumbling down I lost a few not so obvious things, just because I was depressed.. lost some of the things that used to bring me joy... taking photos and "playing" with them was one of them.. gardening is another....
so, today, when looking at all those photos of Forget-me-nots... I decided to plant some this spring...

Easter Sunday today.. this morning as I was driving to church I was praying, thinking my parents would be there as well... asking that today would be the day they would realize their need for a Saviour.. as in being convicted of their sin and brokenness.. over the years I have shared what it means to love Jesus, how wonderful it is to be loved by Him and by the Father... it never sunk in... I guess, it is just another nice fairy tale to them...
I know it has to be God, He is the only One that is able to show us just how much in need of a Saviour we are..
anyways... I prayed... they didn't show up... Great :(
the sermon was amazing, as always.... worshipping Him and celebrating what He accomplished for us on the cross... what a very special day.... I am not carrying the responsibility for their Salvation on my shoulders.. that's in the most capable hands it could be, His .. so this afternoon I chose to take some time to just play a little on my Macbook... nice... Thanks be to Him...

.. The Darling of Heaven Crucified...

this is how love wins, every single time, climbing high up on a cross where someone else should die..
this is how love heals, the deepest part of you, letting Himself bleed into the middle of your wounds...

today, Good Friday.. good, because what was intended for evil in reality was predestined sacrifice... Jesus willingly surrendering His Life.. so that we would not have to receive the just punishment for our sins but instead be forgiven, finding freedom from sin, and be given the gift of eternal life, starting the moment our eyes are opened and our heart kneels before our Lord...

today, a day to remember what has touched my heart almost 18 years ago and has never let go of me..
a love so amazing, so divine.. How deep the Father's love for us, that He would give His only begotten son ... that the Son would die a brutal death on the cross... so that we would know victory over sin..

sang many beautiful and well known songs today, and there .. one line from one of those songs all of a sudden jumped out at me.. the "DARLING" of heaven crucified.....
touched me so deeply... my Jesus, born a baby... Darling of his parents.. Darling of God the Father who loves His Son.. crucified..
with my "Darlings" pretty much all grown up I know this feeling... looking at a young woman and in my heart feeling and "seeing" my little darling... my precious baby... such love.. so overwhelmingly immense.. who could even attempt to fathom the love the Father has for His Son, the Darling of Heaven...

..  Christ Jesus...

  Who, being in very nature God, 

   did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 

 rather, he made himself nothing 

   by taking the very nature of a servant, 

   being made in human likeness. 

 And being found in appearance as a man, 

   he humbled himself 

   by becoming obedient to death— 

      even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place 

   and gave him the name that is above every name, 

 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, 

   in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 

 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, 

   to the glory of God the Father

Good Friday... a Good day indeed.. so many years ago... my heart belongs to the darling of Heaven...

to serve Him and to worship Him is the least I can do... 

... symptoms of a "heart attack"...

The most common symptoms of heart attack in women are :

Shortness of breath X
Weakness X
Unusual fatigue
Cold sweat
Dizziness X
Pain or pressure in the back or high chest X
Pain or discomfort in one or both arms X
Discomfort may be described as pressure, ache, or tightness; may come and go X
A burning sensation in the chest or upper abdomen
Irregular heartbeat
Nausea

okay... so, if you can say yes to 6 out of 11 symptoms... should you go to  the Emergency Department?
if you are a woman like me, you end up waiting it out and just going back home to lie on your couch,...
wise? or maybe more stupid?
there has been a time in my life, I think it was 4-5 years ago, when because of those symptoms my heart was checked out very thoroughly... the trouble turned out to be stress induced and I was found totally "heart healthy"...  the stress during that time of my life was tremendous.... thankfully I haven't had any chest pain anymore since my main "stressor" left my life.. ( even though humongous pain was inflicted when he did, it eventually led to a less tension filled and less stressed-out life)

so when I started to have those pains again over the last 2 weeks I was not very impressed...
it seems that something is going on that has not happened before... I am not feeling very stressed out, I do have peace , the peace that surpasses understanding, the peace that has nothing to do with circumstances but with who I trust in and rely on, He, my Saviour is the one who gives it to me.... amazing, but
apparently... my body has not quite caught up with where my soul is... :S

so... right now I am just waiting, trying to relax.... I hate to be going to the Emergency when "Nothing" is wrong... I am sure that He will come through for me,... not only in the stressful situations that are going on a little too close for comfort, but also in regards to my health... my physical health that is...
emotional health has been restored in me over all those almost 18 years of walking with Him..
scars from childhood and new inflicted wounds... everything has been healed or is in the process of being healed.. His attention to my wounds and hurts has allowed me to be gracious and kind, forgiving and able to relate peacefully with people that have hurt me so much in the past..
the transformation in my heart and soul has also enabled me to without fear stand up for the truth... a price has to be paid at times but I know that this is what He wants for me..
this is how I bring glory to His name.. by acting and reacting so differently from what would be considered normal... me sitting with my Ex-husband and his wife at the Dance Competition or me putting up wise boundaries with my very dysfunctional family... loving them but not allowing them to control or manipulate me.. all possible through Him who saved me and who gives me all I need... with Him, even though my foolish human heart ( the organ) will  still hurt, it is well with my soul...
Praise and Glory be to Him!!!!!